Everything has changed but you wouldn't know...back when you were taken I wasn't on anything accused of and still ain't on one of them...so that is different...I am married and stable...at least until you came in and triggered me Rachelle...but whateva...its still eating at me that you said nothing changed...you have no clue how much this statement is torturing me...you like having this control over me don't you? be careful...I am not complete without you girls and I am not going to give up on having a relationship with you whether you want it or not...maybe later you will come around...and maybe by then I will have processed all this garbage and got a grip on it by then...but for now you stay where you are unless you need me...cuz i am here if you need me...I love you more than life it's self and that won't ever change no matter how hurtful of things you say to me...just know that things cut me deeper than normal people as I am severely sensitive and can't take a whole lot of it...so be careful with me please...and thank you.
Sincerely,
Rabeka J (F) D
your loving biological mother
3/3/19 originally written and posted
3-9-19 still torturing me and I am suffering greatly with lack of sleep
Sunday, March 03, 2019
Tuesday, February 19, 2019
Rachelle
Dearest Rachelle,
I am sorry that you got it in your head that I am a terrible person and I couldn't sway you from thinking that. I wish we could have a do-over and just start over and try it again. I miss you so terribly bad and I wish Katie would also at least give me somewhat of the time of day so I could state my case with her since you wouldn't hear me out and the adoptive mom wouldn't hear me out.
I am trying to obtain the file that you received so I can read the what I call now Bible of Beka because it is all truth and no one who was there (ME) has no say as to how it went down and all that because it makes it easier for you all to sleep better at night. Nothing has changed? fuck you everything has changed. I do still suffer from mental illness and create things in my mind as to what is going on and what was meant by a certain action or something said and I can construe it into things they aren't. Which is why I want a copy of this Bible of Beka so I can read through and see what I construed if I did construe at all. It is bullshit about the dogshit comment...I didn't have dogs inside my house they were outside dogs so tell me how exactly is there dog shit on my floors that I didn't clean up and allowed Katie to crawl around in? I didn't even let her crawl on the floor in my house not cuz it was dirty but because I had a fear of things plus I couldn't allow Katie to be within reach of you Rachelle cuz you were constantly hurting her and driving me bananas. So that is wrong so I wonder what else in that fucking file is wrong and it just hurts me so much that its the way it is in your mind and you don't have room for anything else.
You have no idea how hard it was and is for me. I lost everything when I lost you girls and the system knew it and still made sure I didn't get you back, but still told me I had done all I needed and I was getting you girls back. Then in court backstab me and tell the judge I was refusing to do things and was not compliant with a number of things I didn't know about conveniently for them.
I am going to get to the bottom of this all and I am going to make sense of it all. What exactly will it prove to you? Nothing, why would you believe me when I couldn't prove nothing back then how can I prove it now? Hopefully, there is a loophole and it will unravel the entire bullshit lie stories they fed your adoptive parents, so they could treat you like mental cases you weren't and make you go nuts and not give you the coping skills you needed to manage the chaos in your mind because they told you terrible things about me throughout your life claiming you were turning out to be just like fucking your mother the meth addict promiscuous bitch of a mother. FUCK THEM! I was NOT on meth I was NOT on marijuana I was struggling yes needed help and guidance and got my children stolen from me and placed into the arms of a pedophile according to you. Which absolutely crushed me and still crushes me.
I doubt you will read this because you don't care about me anymore and I get why.
I kicked you out because I couldn't handle the confrontations and the fighting and the triggers and yeah you set me off really bad and I spiraled out of control after you left. Still am recovering but I am getting a bit of a more handle on things and think I will be Okay then Dina texts me some garbage about what is going on with you and I doubt it is true, but I am treating it like it is true and I am praying so hard for you right now you have no idea.
I am sorry you lost your girlfriend but I do think it is for the best for you. However having a baby is NOT going to be the answer to your problems. Matter fact it could no doubt be the downfall of you. Postpartum depression is what I had with all 7 of you kids, and my counselor says it just stacked on each other so I have 7 layers of postpartum depression on me and is why I am the way I am because I never dealt with it so I am going to be dealing with it and other things. I just know I hurt so freaking bad and I want it to go away but I can't seem to be able to make it. I finally had you back and because you were going off the deep end I couldn't face the music anymore. You were so ungrateful for everything we did. Nothing was good enough. Probably never will be enough. But at least I am here for you when you need me.
The only thing I can figure is this baby sitter where you girls were picked up from. I never had been in her home so maybe she was the one with the dogs and all that...I had no idea it was like that I trusted Cindy Phelen-Kratz my case manager from the hospital and this program through the church that didn't exist called the guardian angel program watching kids 24-7 as needed to prevent children from being taken like you were 3 days fucking later.
I trust no one with my kids. Why I am nuts I guess...cuz I never allowed anyone else to take care of them. However I had trusted people to watch you girls and I still ended up nuts and in the hospital because I didn't know what the fuck was wrong just knew I was struggling mentally because I couldn't control you and your behavior and no one would guide me and that was all I needed.
I seriously needed super nanny. And looking back now it wasn't as bad as I thought. Compared to Dylan and Jack and their drama growing up and continuing on today....it was a cake walk. I am still standing too so its weird.
Anyways, I just wanted to get this out so I could sleep because I hope someday you will read this and will come back to me but by then I won't be in the house no doubt. I will be moved to God knows where and hopefully I will get my shit together and you will too and we can reunite and be happy together finally...
Sincerely,
your loving birth mother
Rabeka J (F) D
dob 5-1980
I am sorry that you got it in your head that I am a terrible person and I couldn't sway you from thinking that. I wish we could have a do-over and just start over and try it again. I miss you so terribly bad and I wish Katie would also at least give me somewhat of the time of day so I could state my case with her since you wouldn't hear me out and the adoptive mom wouldn't hear me out.
I am trying to obtain the file that you received so I can read the what I call now Bible of Beka because it is all truth and no one who was there (ME) has no say as to how it went down and all that because it makes it easier for you all to sleep better at night. Nothing has changed? fuck you everything has changed. I do still suffer from mental illness and create things in my mind as to what is going on and what was meant by a certain action or something said and I can construe it into things they aren't. Which is why I want a copy of this Bible of Beka so I can read through and see what I construed if I did construe at all. It is bullshit about the dogshit comment...I didn't have dogs inside my house they were outside dogs so tell me how exactly is there dog shit on my floors that I didn't clean up and allowed Katie to crawl around in? I didn't even let her crawl on the floor in my house not cuz it was dirty but because I had a fear of things plus I couldn't allow Katie to be within reach of you Rachelle cuz you were constantly hurting her and driving me bananas. So that is wrong so I wonder what else in that fucking file is wrong and it just hurts me so much that its the way it is in your mind and you don't have room for anything else.
You have no idea how hard it was and is for me. I lost everything when I lost you girls and the system knew it and still made sure I didn't get you back, but still told me I had done all I needed and I was getting you girls back. Then in court backstab me and tell the judge I was refusing to do things and was not compliant with a number of things I didn't know about conveniently for them.
I am going to get to the bottom of this all and I am going to make sense of it all. What exactly will it prove to you? Nothing, why would you believe me when I couldn't prove nothing back then how can I prove it now? Hopefully, there is a loophole and it will unravel the entire bullshit lie stories they fed your adoptive parents, so they could treat you like mental cases you weren't and make you go nuts and not give you the coping skills you needed to manage the chaos in your mind because they told you terrible things about me throughout your life claiming you were turning out to be just like fucking your mother the meth addict promiscuous bitch of a mother. FUCK THEM! I was NOT on meth I was NOT on marijuana I was struggling yes needed help and guidance and got my children stolen from me and placed into the arms of a pedophile according to you. Which absolutely crushed me and still crushes me.
I doubt you will read this because you don't care about me anymore and I get why.
I kicked you out because I couldn't handle the confrontations and the fighting and the triggers and yeah you set me off really bad and I spiraled out of control after you left. Still am recovering but I am getting a bit of a more handle on things and think I will be Okay then Dina texts me some garbage about what is going on with you and I doubt it is true, but I am treating it like it is true and I am praying so hard for you right now you have no idea.
I am sorry you lost your girlfriend but I do think it is for the best for you. However having a baby is NOT going to be the answer to your problems. Matter fact it could no doubt be the downfall of you. Postpartum depression is what I had with all 7 of you kids, and my counselor says it just stacked on each other so I have 7 layers of postpartum depression on me and is why I am the way I am because I never dealt with it so I am going to be dealing with it and other things. I just know I hurt so freaking bad and I want it to go away but I can't seem to be able to make it. I finally had you back and because you were going off the deep end I couldn't face the music anymore. You were so ungrateful for everything we did. Nothing was good enough. Probably never will be enough. But at least I am here for you when you need me.
The only thing I can figure is this baby sitter where you girls were picked up from. I never had been in her home so maybe she was the one with the dogs and all that...I had no idea it was like that I trusted Cindy Phelen-Kratz my case manager from the hospital and this program through the church that didn't exist called the guardian angel program watching kids 24-7 as needed to prevent children from being taken like you were 3 days fucking later.
I trust no one with my kids. Why I am nuts I guess...cuz I never allowed anyone else to take care of them. However I had trusted people to watch you girls and I still ended up nuts and in the hospital because I didn't know what the fuck was wrong just knew I was struggling mentally because I couldn't control you and your behavior and no one would guide me and that was all I needed.
I seriously needed super nanny. And looking back now it wasn't as bad as I thought. Compared to Dylan and Jack and their drama growing up and continuing on today....it was a cake walk. I am still standing too so its weird.
Anyways, I just wanted to get this out so I could sleep because I hope someday you will read this and will come back to me but by then I won't be in the house no doubt. I will be moved to God knows where and hopefully I will get my shit together and you will too and we can reunite and be happy together finally...
Sincerely,
your loving birth mother
Rabeka J (F) D
dob 5-1980
Saturday, February 09, 2019
Believing is hard
Dear Rachelle,
I heard something about going on's in your life right now....and I cannot believe them. I don't want to believe them really...you have outdone me if it is true and you can stop anytime...you got your testimony so just chalk it up and move it out and fix what you can...I didn't think you would leave State...that is if the information I heard was true...I am praying for you...I cannot and will not come to rescue you that far from home...figure it out girl you can do it...you have a smart head on your shoulders...top priority in my eyes is getting the car fixed so you don't have to rely on anyone for transportation and them having that over your head. NOW...if you are actually in the business that is said you are...you are pretty stuck cuz the people in charge your boss...will hunt you down and make you pay for running from them...you have no idea what door you opened in that world. So Good luck getting out hun...I can't get involved as I don't have any way to and I never wanna be in that scene ever again. Figure it out hun you can do it...ask your boss how you can get out of it...and get out now while the gettings good...but first make the money you need to get your car that I bought with your grandma's life insurance so she in a way helped pay for your car that you stuck your nose up to...thanks by the way for that...ouch...if I ran to help you...it wouldn't be good enough so sorry I just can't reach your expectations...so good luck figure it out...you are an adult and you can and will figure it out...I believe in you.
Sincerely,
Your loving birthmother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
DOB 5-1980
I heard something about going on's in your life right now....and I cannot believe them. I don't want to believe them really...you have outdone me if it is true and you can stop anytime...you got your testimony so just chalk it up and move it out and fix what you can...I didn't think you would leave State...that is if the information I heard was true...I am praying for you...I cannot and will not come to rescue you that far from home...figure it out girl you can do it...you have a smart head on your shoulders...top priority in my eyes is getting the car fixed so you don't have to rely on anyone for transportation and them having that over your head. NOW...if you are actually in the business that is said you are...you are pretty stuck cuz the people in charge your boss...will hunt you down and make you pay for running from them...you have no idea what door you opened in that world. So Good luck getting out hun...I can't get involved as I don't have any way to and I never wanna be in that scene ever again. Figure it out hun you can do it...ask your boss how you can get out of it...and get out now while the gettings good...but first make the money you need to get your car that I bought with your grandma's life insurance so she in a way helped pay for your car that you stuck your nose up to...thanks by the way for that...ouch...if I ran to help you...it wouldn't be good enough so sorry I just can't reach your expectations...so good luck figure it out...you are an adult and you can and will figure it out...I believe in you.
Sincerely,
Your loving birthmother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
DOB 5-1980
Wednesday, January 30, 2019
I miss them but its gotta be this way for now
Dear Girls,
I am deeply hurt and sent for a whirl. You came in like a wrecking ball and wrecked what little mental health I was trying to grasp trying to get on the right meds before you came home which I thought I was ready when Rachelle turned 18, BUT turned out I wasn't ready for all that busy drama. I still ain't ready but I miss her.
I was wrong to try so hard to be liked and accepted but it is what it is...I just wanted to be liked and here I am hated...so fuck it...
When you decide to contact me again...I won't be here. You will have to look harder for me. I put everything online for you and you two alone. Now I have an obsessed scary guy lurking striving to "Rescue" me which at the time I did need rescuing because I didn't know what to do with myself after all this shit hit the fan about the drama and the triggers and the whirl of chaos that encircled us. I hope and pray you will straighten up and hopefully by that time I will have straightened up and gotten on the correct meds and end up functional and able to handle anything and everything life has to throw at me because I cannot handle any more loss and I cannot handle any more drama at least for now.
I am working on me been working on me for years. But my Biggest loss was you girls and now I lost you again and I don't know what to do with myself and want to just up and give up on my family and leave because maybe you both are right I don't deserve to be a mom and maybe I shouldn't have had kids like you say...I hope you don't kill yourself, Rachelle, nor Katie, I can't handle that...so don't please...it will pass whatever it is that you are going through right now will pass...you won't be like this forever...you just need to get on the correct medication and be able to live a functional life I know it is possible...just trial and error...I am still trialing and erroring but hey...I am trying...I am sorry I am such a huge disappointment. I wish I hadn't put so much online I just thought it would help you both know I was wronged but NO...just like all them strangers who questioned and denied my story as being true...so I am planning on getting the bible of beka and I am going to read it and know exactly what you all read about me who lived through it. The paper I am sure says something totally different than what I experienced because they told me tons of things they changed in court...they took things out of context to suit their need and their need was to adopt you two girls...and if I can prove that they were wrong I am going to pursue a case and prove to you girls that I didn't deserve to have you girls taken away...if that is what it takes to get you to see my side as truth I guess that is what I have to do because you won't believe me and my side until I have proof...but IDK why I think I can prove it today when I couldn't prove it back then because all I had was hearsay and they had facts and bullshit lies that were written in as facts...so I am just hoping and praying I can prove it and get this justified and I can finally be at peace with the whole scene that left me depressed and still depressed and even more depressed today because of the lies you believe....
Anyways, I am working on myself now more than ever...
Sincerely,
your birthmother,
who does love you and miss you even if you hurt me deeper than losing you, and losing you all over again.
Rabeka J (F) D
I am deeply hurt and sent for a whirl. You came in like a wrecking ball and wrecked what little mental health I was trying to grasp trying to get on the right meds before you came home which I thought I was ready when Rachelle turned 18, BUT turned out I wasn't ready for all that busy drama. I still ain't ready but I miss her.
I was wrong to try so hard to be liked and accepted but it is what it is...I just wanted to be liked and here I am hated...so fuck it...
When you decide to contact me again...I won't be here. You will have to look harder for me. I put everything online for you and you two alone. Now I have an obsessed scary guy lurking striving to "Rescue" me which at the time I did need rescuing because I didn't know what to do with myself after all this shit hit the fan about the drama and the triggers and the whirl of chaos that encircled us. I hope and pray you will straighten up and hopefully by that time I will have straightened up and gotten on the correct meds and end up functional and able to handle anything and everything life has to throw at me because I cannot handle any more loss and I cannot handle any more drama at least for now.
I am working on me been working on me for years. But my Biggest loss was you girls and now I lost you again and I don't know what to do with myself and want to just up and give up on my family and leave because maybe you both are right I don't deserve to be a mom and maybe I shouldn't have had kids like you say...I hope you don't kill yourself, Rachelle, nor Katie, I can't handle that...so don't please...it will pass whatever it is that you are going through right now will pass...you won't be like this forever...you just need to get on the correct medication and be able to live a functional life I know it is possible...just trial and error...I am still trialing and erroring but hey...I am trying...I am sorry I am such a huge disappointment. I wish I hadn't put so much online I just thought it would help you both know I was wronged but NO...just like all them strangers who questioned and denied my story as being true...so I am planning on getting the bible of beka and I am going to read it and know exactly what you all read about me who lived through it. The paper I am sure says something totally different than what I experienced because they told me tons of things they changed in court...they took things out of context to suit their need and their need was to adopt you two girls...and if I can prove that they were wrong I am going to pursue a case and prove to you girls that I didn't deserve to have you girls taken away...if that is what it takes to get you to see my side as truth I guess that is what I have to do because you won't believe me and my side until I have proof...but IDK why I think I can prove it today when I couldn't prove it back then because all I had was hearsay and they had facts and bullshit lies that were written in as facts...so I am just hoping and praying I can prove it and get this justified and I can finally be at peace with the whole scene that left me depressed and still depressed and even more depressed today because of the lies you believe....
Anyways, I am working on myself now more than ever...
Sincerely,
your birthmother,
who does love you and miss you even if you hurt me deeper than losing you, and losing you all over again.
Rabeka J (F) D
Tuesday, December 04, 2018
Apparently there is a Bible of my life in Topeka I need to obtain too
Dear girls,
I dont know what happened all those years ago obviously because ur adoptive mom says no it wasnt that way so I'm going to obtain this bible she speaks of and hopefully can prove otherwise but since I couldn't prove it when it counted idk why I want to bother with it since it really doesn't matter to anyone but me...
I dont know what happened all those years ago obviously because ur adoptive mom says no it wasnt that way so I'm going to obtain this bible she speaks of and hopefully can prove otherwise but since I couldn't prove it when it counted idk why I want to bother with it since it really doesn't matter to anyone but me...
Well the wait is over
Dearest rowsheall aka rachelle and katelyn aka katie,
I'm sorry the system screwed you guys up and fucked us all up...really...but it is what it is and you can choose to continue down your self destruction paths or you can rise above them and prove the world recovery is possible after living such terrible lives your imagination created because your mother (me) was and is a fuck up...fuck me and I need to hurry up and die so you can shit on my grave Katie? Really? Okay then what a waste of all the wishes I ever wished all these years to finally meet you...now i have nothing to wish for accept for yall to get your shit together and stop blaming everyone else for your choices you make to be the way you are today. Are you looking for you to be able to have a testamony? U went through x y and z and now you are recovered? Well good luck with that cuz I cant take your drama and hurtful shit you say to me cuz I'm not strong and I was the victim and come find out yall were too? Well so you claim but I'm having a hard time believing anything you say shelle because you change your story and want to throw all this crap you been through in my face saying you had it worse off than me. Maybe you did...but if you had stuck to the truth you wouldn't have slipped up and elaborated which changed the stories told...yes I agreed to put you up in my apartment separate from my home yes I agreed to put electric in it and water and everything u needed but 1 you were in a hurry and so was I because of the near death experience you and your girlfriend had in your previous neighborhood near death... so yes I rushed cuz I was scared of losing you. 2 I didn't realize the fights and anger and yelling and drama you would bring with you...nor the inability to maintain cleanliness nor jobs and how your high expectations would stir up fights when things didn't go as plan and 3 you agreed to 100 a month and you paid once and then the last 2 months you didn't. This eviction had to happen. Then you dumped your cat litter boxes in my back yard and gave my dogs worms because my dog ate your cats shit..you left nasty dishes in the sink you wrote hasta levesta bitches and I'm done on our bed we let you use. You were told you would get a car I gave you my only reliable fucking car i owned and you weren't happy. I knew it worked i knew it was reliable it was bought with my moms life insurance so in a way she also was able to help get you a fucking car. But whatever
..you have no idea how much of a trigger you are to me...but I faced it head on for 5 months and this last part sent me over the deep end...so fuck you.
If you get your shit together and stop looking to out do the horrible shit I been through and start working on that testamony and get your head together get off drugs and fucking face reality and own up to your issues and get help...then come find me...I'm working on me more so now than ever because I don't want to be here anymore and that is so not fair to my family I have now. And it's worse now that you and Katie have came back and told me bullshit that hurts me way deeper than you fucking know so fuck you both and your fucking bullshit lies and hurtful bullshit you fucking say to me. You dont know me and you dont know what the fuck it was like for me back when I lost you and for you to come at me like you did and then flip flop into this psychotic bitch...and Katie heartless bitch...fuck you...I do want a relationship but you need to realize I was there I remember it...its haunted me all these fucking years and then come find out my biggest fears are true...but they ain't because things are so off the wall they are hard to believe, that's so fucking messed up...toying with my emotions and fucking me up worse than ever...fuck you and the high motherfucking horse you think you both are on!!!!!
Sincerely,
Your fucked up birth mother
Rabeka jo (f) d
I'm sorry the system screwed you guys up and fucked us all up...really...but it is what it is and you can choose to continue down your self destruction paths or you can rise above them and prove the world recovery is possible after living such terrible lives your imagination created because your mother (me) was and is a fuck up...fuck me and I need to hurry up and die so you can shit on my grave Katie? Really? Okay then what a waste of all the wishes I ever wished all these years to finally meet you...now i have nothing to wish for accept for yall to get your shit together and stop blaming everyone else for your choices you make to be the way you are today. Are you looking for you to be able to have a testamony? U went through x y and z and now you are recovered? Well good luck with that cuz I cant take your drama and hurtful shit you say to me cuz I'm not strong and I was the victim and come find out yall were too? Well so you claim but I'm having a hard time believing anything you say shelle because you change your story and want to throw all this crap you been through in my face saying you had it worse off than me. Maybe you did...but if you had stuck to the truth you wouldn't have slipped up and elaborated which changed the stories told...yes I agreed to put you up in my apartment separate from my home yes I agreed to put electric in it and water and everything u needed but 1 you were in a hurry and so was I because of the near death experience you and your girlfriend had in your previous neighborhood near death... so yes I rushed cuz I was scared of losing you. 2 I didn't realize the fights and anger and yelling and drama you would bring with you...nor the inability to maintain cleanliness nor jobs and how your high expectations would stir up fights when things didn't go as plan and 3 you agreed to 100 a month and you paid once and then the last 2 months you didn't. This eviction had to happen. Then you dumped your cat litter boxes in my back yard and gave my dogs worms because my dog ate your cats shit..you left nasty dishes in the sink you wrote hasta levesta bitches and I'm done on our bed we let you use. You were told you would get a car I gave you my only reliable fucking car i owned and you weren't happy. I knew it worked i knew it was reliable it was bought with my moms life insurance so in a way she also was able to help get you a fucking car. But whatever
..you have no idea how much of a trigger you are to me...but I faced it head on for 5 months and this last part sent me over the deep end...so fuck you.
If you get your shit together and stop looking to out do the horrible shit I been through and start working on that testamony and get your head together get off drugs and fucking face reality and own up to your issues and get help...then come find me...I'm working on me more so now than ever because I don't want to be here anymore and that is so not fair to my family I have now. And it's worse now that you and Katie have came back and told me bullshit that hurts me way deeper than you fucking know so fuck you both and your fucking bullshit lies and hurtful bullshit you fucking say to me. You dont know me and you dont know what the fuck it was like for me back when I lost you and for you to come at me like you did and then flip flop into this psychotic bitch...and Katie heartless bitch...fuck you...I do want a relationship but you need to realize I was there I remember it...its haunted me all these fucking years and then come find out my biggest fears are true...but they ain't because things are so off the wall they are hard to believe, that's so fucking messed up...toying with my emotions and fucking me up worse than ever...fuck you and the high motherfucking horse you think you both are on!!!!!
Sincerely,
Your fucked up birth mother
Rabeka jo (f) d
Tuesday, August 14, 2018
Katelyn 18th birthday
Dear Katelyn,
I hope you have the best birthday ever! Hope you get exactly what you want. I'm here open arms ready to meet you. We need to discuss quite a few things that were misunderstood as I did not include reason behind certain statements I've said here on this blog. Back story to the statements so to speak.
What it boils down to is, I went to all the wrong people to seek help and what I got instead of help was set ups and back stabs. And if that cant be seen then i need to explain it all to you sentance by sentance so you do understand. The blog is not the whole story it's the points to show where I was mentally and then what I did and who I went to for help and got blindsided.
Hope to meet you soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D (F) dob 5/1980
Tuesday, March 27, 2018
Happy 19th Rowsheall Kailyn!
Dear Rowsheall Kailyn,
You turn 19 today (Ok I'm early it's the 29th you turn 19 lol I read the date wrong) :) and when Katelyn turns 18 on August 15th you will be able to come and find me and end this hide and seek game the courts forced us to play back on Aug 29th, 2002 when I last seen your smiling faces. I am so sorry I believed the workers that were on our case that I had everything done and that I was getting you girls back. And relaxed in that reassurance only to be told total opposite in court to the judge. I'm also sorry I listened to my court appointed lawyer that we were looking good and didn't need my character witnesses and that if we brought them in it would of hurt our case. I am thankful for the family who took you in as your own and gave you both the life I couldn't provide as I was poor. You were conceived in my womb but also in the hearts of your adoptive parents <3 I have prayed you were happy and raised better than I could ever do. I know in my heart you were. For that I'm thankful.
Mommy Becky is here waiting with her arms opened ready to hold you in her loving arms again.
See you soon baby girl!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Sunday, September 10, 2017
Dear both girls
Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn,
I am sorry for nearly giving up on life. I'm in counseling now and going through a program that will help me get on track called ontrak and I'm excited. Hopefully by the time you come home to meet me I will be rid of my deep depression and have my fibromyalgia more controlled that is if that's possible.
I am still here, just going through motions but I am breathing still. I am going to get through this and come out on top I hope at least.
Just wanted to let you know I ain't going to end my life anymore nor run away. I'm fighting the good fight.
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Thursday, August 17, 2017
Happy 17th birthday Katelyn!
Dear Katelyn,
One more year till you can come find me idk if I can hold out until then. My life has come to a terrible circumstance and there is not much I can do to change it. What's done is done and I'm an idiot in the end. Please know I love you and your siblings each and everyone of them so much. And I hope to see you someday. But I may not be able to. I probably will fail as I always do but if I do succeed I probably won't see you.
Maybe that's better for you girls anyway.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Wednesday, April 12, 2017
April 11, 2017
Dear girls,
If you are reading this blog then it means you got my information from Topeka I just sent today, and are curious about me. That makes me excited. I encourage you to look on the right side of this blog and find the timeline and start reading from the oldest to newest and learn what tore us apart. But I want you to know I've come a long way in my frustrations as you will read along the way to the newest. And I sincerely mean you were both concieved in 3 places: my womb and your two parents hearts. And this is what has kept me going and continuing to wait for you girls to finish the game of hide and seek I told you about at our last visit. I realize you may not remember our last time spent together and I wanna apologize for the paper copies of pictures because I didn't have time to put together a memory book for you girls as I was told entering court I was getting you two back. And at the time I could not afford anything else. Now photo copies are really cheap. But some of the faded possibly ruined photo copies are scanned and placed on this blog. And know I was not allowed to show my devistation to you girls on our last visit as it would have ended our visit early. Grandma Sally (my mom) would have loved to of been here for our reunion as she helped me raise you both for the 2 yrs and 11/12 days and Katelyn's 8 months before you were taken from us leaving us devistated. until Jan 19, 2009 my mom fought long and hard but skin cancer won, and she is no longer suffering. I'm sorry to say that because she loved you girls so intensely. April 10, 2001 you were taken from us. By the time we got visitation Katelyn did not recognize me and cried for her momma the entire visit who was right in front of her. And a small piece of me died that day. I didn't give up I fought hard and did all they told me to, but it wasn't fast enough not good enough and I was made out to look and feel like the poorest excuse for a human being. The long journey through the set ups and back stabs can be found in the third to the last post of this blog.
Just know I've come a very long ways since then as far as acceptance and I own up to the part of trusting the wrong people now and that is a huge step for me. I was young and single and supporting my mother financially and the timing for the agency couldn't have been better for them to win. We had to put our home up for sale in the midst of the battle which was good for the agency to show uncertainty as far as where we would of ended up so it looked very bad and so thus the greener grass on the other side of the fence justified in their claims and they ran with them. I wasn't rich. I'm still am not rich. I needed guidance and got the bull.
God had his hand on where you ended up at least that is my hope I've held onto for awhile now. And I hope your life has been ten fold of what you girls deserved since it was a life I couldn't offer you at the time nor probably now...
I wanna let you know before you venture into my past posts that you have a brother born Nov 2003, a brother born Sept 2005 and a sister born April 2014 who are at home with me now and my husband of 13 nearly 14 years in July (2003) and they can't wait to meet their sisters. And that you also have a sister born Sept 2, 2008 who died of hlhs and turner syndrome Sept. 3, 2008 and then a brother who was stillborn March 18, 2011 at 28 weeks along are also waiting to meet you in heaven. And yes I had 5 more after you girls so total of 7 kids for me. I wasn't looking to replace you. I was born to be a mother and had to prove it to myself. Even if these teen years are making me just as with any parent, doubt my mothering skills as they are very trying times.
But still think I couldn't have gotten through these 14 years without you without them, no matter how hard it has been to get here where I am today. I'm in no way shape or form perfect and I don't claim to be. And I hope and pray I don't disappoint you, but rather build a relationship with you girls even if from a distance. I will take what I can get to feel whole again. I been walking around with part of a heart all these years. And hopefully I can have it whole again sooner than later by you reaching out. Again I'm scared I will disappoint you because of the lack of money compared to what you I hope were raised in as that was my biggest hope and dream, that your parents didn't have to go without to provide what you needed and wanted like I was doing to provide you with your needs. But I had to make sacrifices to provide for my family and that was fine we were making it work some how. Just that timing couldn't have been any worse for me.
Know I love and miss you so very much and I'm sorry if after awhile my posts seem to just repeat over and over the same messages but I never raised a girl from age 2 to 18 before and my desire to just see you girls in pictures over the years was all I ever wanted but was not able to because of the court taking away my rights because I wasn't given the option to walk away and sign my rights away they led me to believe I was getting you girls back. Again why no photo album sent nor anything special other than fashion jewelery of my grandmother and what gifts I gave over the course of the court proceedings which I hope you got to keep.
Also would like Katelyn to know I did not know DNA testing was performed and Bruce was not found to not be your father the system approached it as "you sure Katelyn is Bruce's child?" Not well we did DNA and Bruce isn't the father which then I would of said Kenneth Raymond F was your father and that could of left the court open and that is probably why they did not put it that way since I looked my worse at that point in time even if normal parents put houses up for sale and don't know where they will end up because it's based on how much is going to be made at the sale as to how much can be put down on the next place etc. (I learned of the DNA testing in 2011 from Bruce's mom Darlene Ramona H) But the standard while in the system is that of impossible expectations and unachievable housing etc. While paying for court ordered classes and house payments and bills on poor people funds is impossible and unachievable. I do feel I failed you girls. But at the same time I hope and pray God picked you both up and gave you the life you needed. That I was unable to provide at the time. So it's a balancing act until I know for sure.
And know I'm an open book and have never been able to tell a lie and will be honest with you. And hope you can be honest and truthful despite my high hopes. you are encouraged to set me straight on my dream life I prayed you'd have. And I hope you can be honest and opened about it all regardless of what I've said here on the blog.
Well I need to go back to sleep. I love you both so very much and miss you dearly. I hope my blog doesnt rub you the wrong way and push you farther away. But the exact opposite I hope it draws you closer to me and we can pick up the pieces of my painful past and move forward in a relationship of birth mother and daughter's xoxo.
Sincerely,
Your loving waiting birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
D.o.b. 5-1980
Ps I have fibromyalgia and had L5S1 fusion surgery I can be found on Instagram frogluvrks
I'm struggling but finally came to grips with my health which borderline diabetes type 2 is also lurking and possible hyper thyroid is also looming there trying to take after my dad (diabetes) and my mom (thyroid). So lots of pain emotionally and physically but I'm pushing through for you girls so we can someday meet. Hopefully sooner than later. But I understand if you feel you need to wait until Katelyn is 18. Or until you catch up on my blog. Whichever you feel you need to do. I also welcome your parents to come as well. I would like to thank them for being there for you girls when I couldn't be. And I'm not looking to replace them. They are your parents and will be forever. I respect that. Good night sweet baby girls until we meet. I will continue to write here to you updating you on me and my life and wishing you happy birthdays and holidays until you come find me. Xoxo see you soon!
Tuesday, March 28, 2017
Happy 18th birthday Rowsheall Kailyn
Dear Rowsheall,
The day is finally here. The game of hide and seek can end today. (That's what I told you on our last visit). I'm here in the same house open armed and got memory box and pictures and DVD of our home videos of the supervised visits (minus the last visit because the supervisor screwed up the camera grr) anyways baby girl I was in labor all day the 28th started getting real about 1:00amish so went to the hospital they sent me home around 1:30am because I wasn't making progress was still at a 3 came back half an hour later I was a 7 then at 2:16am had you. Glad I got back in time. Anyways.
Thankful you were adopted quickly after the last visitation that was Aug 29, 2002. And I look at the adoption as you were concieved not only in my womb but also in the hearts of the parents who raised you.
I'm super excited to see you...Well meet you and see what a beautiful woman you are today. I was born at 1:08am and you were born at 2:16am so X2 :) how I remember, you're the only one I remember the time for, I have to look up everyone else's :) anyways. I hope you have a great birthday today and I hope I'm included in your celebration as I can hardly contain my excitement to finally be able to hug you and hold you again.
If you wanna wait until Katelyn turns 18 and you both can come find me I understand that I will still be waiting how ever long you wanna wait but I hope not too long after Katelyn turns 18. Idk if I can wait much longer after that. It's been a long 14 years 7 months since I last held you, heard you laugh, heard your voice, kissed you, hugged you, sung you are my sunshine, and fought back tears because my heart was breaking in a million pieces and I didn't want our visit to end early. I'm sorry I failed you. But I hope it was for your best. God had his hand on where you ended up. I feel it. Even if the devil won the court system and made it fail us and destroyed me and our family. I'm still here looking forward in meeting you. You all are why I keep going. I keep fighting the depression and fibromyalgia and whatever else that is going on with my health the doctor doesn't know keeps sending me places I had L5S1 fusion surgery. Now I get to see a rheumatologist about the elevated inflammation levels. Hopefully I can walk away with better answers as to why I hurt so bad physically and have a better pain management plan in place and can function better in my day. I will keep fighting the good fight no matter how much I wanna just quit. You will come find me either today or someday soon and I will be waiting with my arms opened wide. I had Torticolis outbreak this morning so pardon my neck brace if you do come today.
I love you and miss you so much I can't hardly contain myself!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
D.O.B. 5-1980
P.s. my husband bought my mom's house which is why I'm in the same house as when you two were robbed from me April 10, 2001 ironically your due date.
Sunday, November 27, 2016
Happy late thanksgiving
Happy Thanksgiving baby girls! I hope you were surrounded by your family and had a very good Thanksgiving feast. We had my husbands parents and great grandpa and nephew Jordan over and though short and sweet visit...I felt it lacked so much more than words can describe...I am so very thankful that Rowsheall turns 18 in end of March and can come find me :) of course I understand if you all wanna wait until Katelyn turns in Aug 2018 to come so both y'all can come meet me...but I do hope to see you soon!
I had my surgery on my back July 22, 2016 and so far doctors still don't want to treat my pain. I am fine until I bend over...about to just stop taking all meds and be done with the control over my life...meaning doctors holding control over my relief...which is frustrating to no end...I am frustrated and stressed...J your 11 yr old brother broke his arm your 2 yr old sister had to have caps put on her teeth because the tooth paste you get for toddlers is just full of candy...ugh...so anyways been a rough month for us all...we are nearing bankruptcy so taxes can't come any sooner for us...and depression in my life is peaked...I can't even take a shower because motivation is just not there...cps was called on us again (2nd time since D was born and the initial inspection) this time because D been a bit challenging here lately...he turned 13 day after Thanksgiving so that explains a lot in its self...so that sent me for a whirl into depression...and still recuperating....feel like the cps is lurking outside my door ready to strike any moment...especially since they know now I have a 2 yr old girl...so...I am on edge...anyway I am thankful I have what I have and what I had...I cannot change the past...wish i could...I wouldn't have allowed that babysitter to watch you girls and pulled myself together and just did what I had to do...
Looking at my daughter I realize something I hate myself for with Rowsheall and I cannot get into details on here but for what it is worth I am so sorry and wish I had a better pediatrician who didn't tell me it was normal for some to have...that is all I am going to say...but I failed at realizing something that could have been handled differently and I am so sorry...wish I could change things...but I can't...
Anyways, I am doing okay considering the realization of things, and circumstances out of my control...I'm hanging in barely but I am trying to rise up above it all...just struggling but still here breathing...soon as you girls come home and I know you lived a great life I will hope to snap the rest the way out of this dark place and start to climb back up to the light...I miss you so much and love you more than you will ever know xoxo!
See you soon!
Love you and miss you bunches!
Sincerely,
Your loving waiting birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
D.o.b. 5-1980
Saturday, October 08, 2016
Update
August 15, 2016 UPDATE forgot to post: My back surgery went good so the revolving door hospital said...I never seen the surgeon after surgery and only in passing at my two week appointment I seen him as I walked by...so strange I thought I'd see him more than just the consult thought I'd see him before surgery but not even that...they sent me home I believe a day earlier than I should of been sent...imho...but I got through it with my stressed out husband...poor guy...I had surgery July 22nd and now incision hurts still a bit and my back twinge from time to time but I think I'm getting through this all with flying colors and we been playing Pokémon go a lot! The hatching of eggs helps motivate me to walk farther than I probably should but hey gotta get them hatched lol...I can't wait to be able to ride my bike again...I been using a wheeled walker with a seat on it so I can stop and take a break when I need to or when I wanna battle gyms lol...anyways
Btw...I been depressed because...my oldest son is quite the challenge at age 12 nearly 13...very verbally abusive towards me and his brother...nothing we do helps...idk why he is the way he is...idk blame myself...I been fearful all his life of losing him like I did you girls I guess...so I been pretty withdrawn...so I wouldn't get hurt when it happened because I know if I did lose him I would die...I would not eat I wouldn't take care of myself because I would not go through all that I did only to lose him like I did you girls...I thought I would be better once I seen the boys past 3 years old...but I lost your sister Josephine to Turner syndrome and hlhs....so depression still grasped hold of me then we moved and things got better and got pregnant again things were going in the right direction...then bam...stillborn brother River and back to depression then had Evangeline your sister and then moved back here...and no things again were going great...then Dylan started getting worse with the verbal abuse...and now I just can't get on top of my depression...without him knocking me back down with his remarks about me and they way I do things criticizing everything I do and say...yes I'm being bullied by my son who is 12...he physically hurt me before my back surgery...after back surgery he suggested to put me in a nursing home because life was awesome without me home while I was at the hospital...he says I chose to have the back surgery and it's not that big a deal as I make it out to be...just hateful...crying now just typing it out...silly really...I shouldn't be bothered...he is just a kid...but when Rowsheall said she hated me I cried...she was throwing a fit...I started to cry and instead of guiding me how to handle it...the supervisor just told me if I don't stop crying she would have to end the visit so I had to suck it up and just listen to devastating words coming out my babies mouth that hurt me so deep...I'm sensitive...I'm guess...maybe I shouldn't have kids...maybe they were right for taking you girls...I keep going round and round with this...and get worked up over it...deep down I know I didn't deserve you girls to be taken...that it was all set up...that I was not the poor excuse for a human being they made me feel I was the day they ruled us apart...but it ruined me...still to this day I can't discipline your siblings I'm too scared they will be taken from me...probably why they are the way they are, they know I won't do nothing about it and they know all the buttons to push to get me to shut down and they get their way...
Sorry went on tangent on your birthday....love you.
Sorry went on tangent on your birthday....love you.
It also didn't help that I finally found someone who I had fibromyalgia and back issues like me and turned out she was a child molester so I couldn't be her friend because she is a known sex offender and if I had let her in my home and allowed my son to go to her house to play with her son that would be frowned on in court and I could lose my kids...she went psycho on me after I told her how I was scared of the courts taking my kids and how it would kill me if they were taken from me...she then tried putting a protection from stalking on me and my son...totally baffled me but I am never going to court without a lawyer...screw that...so I paid $300 for a lawyer and went to court she didn't show up it was dismissed and thought it was over...um...no...she filed a set aside dismissal came to court again she was supposed to provide papers that explained why she missed court she thought her word was gold I guess and claimed her son had an "episode" of emotional distress that was caused by me and my son...I cried...I'm totally devastated and can't do court I'm suffering from ptsd and having flash backs of fighting for you girls....so court is ruled to reschedule in 3 weeks so she comes with one paper but judge asks for the paper of the first court date she missed she couldn't get that so dismissed again...I was nice the first few times I signed for her paperwork when it was sent to the wrong address but she is harassing me by dragging me through court repeatedly and I didn't have to sign for anything if I chose not to so returned to sender address I'm not at said address...honestly idk if she sent another because I pretty much had surgery and wasn't ever home before that cuz I was out busy playing Pokémon go...when the mail came through...I need to ask the mail lady someday soon...see what she says...I filed a harassment suit on this nightmare of a idk if woman is the name I'd even use for her...because it is harassment taking me to court over and over when I don't stalk her...and my son has stopped seeking out her son...now her son how ever rides past our house a lot and tempts my son but he holds back...and my boys are not allowed past the alley towards her house....they have to go the long way to friends houses that are in that direction...anyways I'm depressed cuz it figures my luck I find someone who has lots in common and I'd be endangering my son's if I affiliated myself with her...I had every right to tell my son's she was an offender...it's public knowledge...her son claims my son said a bunch of bully things and she claims she pulled her son from school but in fact he was expelled for pulling the fire alarm...they are just liars and I'm glad they are out of our lives...good riddance....my son denies everything that was said about him saying things and doing things...how it was twisted and at first I didn't believe him because he had been lying lately...but when he was emotionally distraught because I wasn't believing my own son I had to believe him because why would he get that upset if what he was saying was lies...so dumb...very stressful and depressing...and traumatizing for me...I can't do anymore court especially the kind that works me up for nothing....and dismissed then set aside again and again...I ain't got time nor energy to waste on such undesired place and proceedings over petty shit like my son can't play with your son but you still allow your son to ride his bike and walk by my house but yet my kid can't do that by yours bullshit....sorry this upsets me to no end...now that surgery is done...I still don't want to...my anxiety just thinking about it makes me emotionally unable to function...my anxiety med is no longer helping and even makes me irritable...cops are at least on my side...and my son's I am not letting out of my sight if they go outside to play or go down to the local park to play...they got bullied and had a knife pulled on them even if it was pointed towards the turtle and my son claims he didn't feel he was threatened by the knife...felt it was directed at the turtle...which soon after my younger son just told my oldest to just give the turtle to the bully and they shot a basket with the turtle and made the poor thing bleed...anyways I called the cops pressed charges on the kid...for battery because whole struggling to keep the turtle from this bully, the bully tore his shirt...and grabbed my son by the arm trying to get the turtle...so done with this drug filled neighborhood with horrible kids left and right...can't get no breaks...it's constant drama...anyways thanks for listening sorry to vent it all on your blog but this is what is up with me...I want to stay here until you girls find me but idk if I can wait that long...there was a full clip unloaded (gun shots) a few houses down a few months ago...just a bad neighborhood this has turned into and I want out ASAP hopefully before anyone of us get hurt too terribly bad...or fatally...I figured it would be easy to find me if we still had this house but we are finding it difficult to make two house payments without a reliable renter...and credit advanced cash withdrawals to cover them and bills is not helping our finances and the credit bill is just going up and it's not working out...and bout to let one go back to the bank and take the hit or put one up for sale...something has to happen soon...or we won't make it till tax season again...my big stardom on YouTube isn't happening yet but I haven't been able to sit through game play on computer since surgery...hope to make it big soon...anyways I feel better now thanks for listening...love you both.
Possibly will take this down or not publish it...idk yet
Sincerely your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D dob 05-1980
Possibly will take this down or not publish it...idk yet
Sincerely your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D dob 05-1980
P.s. it is Sept 15, 2016 now and my pain management Doctor stopped being my doctor because I snapped back at the nurse who was implying I was not obeying Doctor orders when I was and just every time I called for a refill she would give me grief about it claiming it's not time for a refill yet that the quantity should have lasted me a whole month and just implying I was in the wrong before talking to the doctor...I snapped the last time...I can't be treated like that and made to cry...and feel I don't matter and my pain isn't important....so I have to go all the way to Hutchinson Kansas to go see a pain management Doctor unless I can find one here in town I can go to...the one in hutch can't see me until end of November so this is a hard place to be and I'm very depressed and in pain prior to yesterday...yesterday I went in to see my surgeon and she prescribed me some percocet 5 to hopefully get me through until end of November so I'm relieved for now...now to convince my family doctor to keep prescribing my gabapentin if not I found a 2010 script I guess I will be forced to take and hope it helps get me through until I go to the pain management Doctor...anyways...still struggling with depression...your brother is still a bully...still not sure if I will post this or not...but it's nice to vent
Dear Girls,
CPS has been called on me and I am stressed out...It is because of D your brother and his inability to mind me has frustrated me to no end and actually one episode left me hurt. I had back surgery on July 22, 2016 to fuse my L5S1 and he was being a bully to his brother like usual and I end up trying to record him and he wrestled my phone out of my hands to delete the video and I got hurt wrestling him down to the ground and I vented to the wrong person...they turned me in...CPS is supposed to be coming out to the house to talk to the boys and my husband...and then she is going to recommend services like counseling but that is about all...she claims nothing is wrong with my home...and I am having a hard time accepting what she says as truth because of what the workers involved with our case said one thing to my face then in court it was total opposite and I am so anxious and depressed and I can't even begin to imagine life without my kids like I have had to be without you girls...I miss you both so very much and I cannot wait until March when Rowsheall turns 18 and she can come find me!...I hope I am not a disappointment to you...and I hope we can create a bond that I missed out on building over the last several years...so sad without you girls...losing your brothers and sister will be the death of me...I pray they don't get taken and that the woman is actually telling the truth and won't back stab me like the workers in our families case....
What makes me mad is most people don't believe me about it. But I know why they don't believe...because that would put them and their families at risk of the same fate as our family....and I totally get that...and understand why people are skeptical about how our situation turned out...and what lead up to it all being finalized...cuz I had to of done something wrong to deserve such fate...
But I was just young dumb and believed people and trusted people...obviously I didn't learn...I vented to the wrong person and now here I am with a can of worms opened up on us and I can't handle it...
I seriously think postpartum hits me late...and that was what was going on when you girls ended up taken...and I reached out for help and it was my biggest mistake of my life...I never should have gotten help...I should of just kept trying...not admit defeat...that was my wrong I did was reach out for help...
Anyways, I love you girls with all my heart and I can't wait to hold you in my arms again....
Sincerely,
Your Loving Birth Mother,
Rabeka (F) D
dob 5-1980
CPS has been called on me and I am stressed out...It is because of D your brother and his inability to mind me has frustrated me to no end and actually one episode left me hurt. I had back surgery on July 22, 2016 to fuse my L5S1 and he was being a bully to his brother like usual and I end up trying to record him and he wrestled my phone out of my hands to delete the video and I got hurt wrestling him down to the ground and I vented to the wrong person...they turned me in...CPS is supposed to be coming out to the house to talk to the boys and my husband...and then she is going to recommend services like counseling but that is about all...she claims nothing is wrong with my home...and I am having a hard time accepting what she says as truth because of what the workers involved with our case said one thing to my face then in court it was total opposite and I am so anxious and depressed and I can't even begin to imagine life without my kids like I have had to be without you girls...I miss you both so very much and I cannot wait until March when Rowsheall turns 18 and she can come find me!...I hope I am not a disappointment to you...and I hope we can create a bond that I missed out on building over the last several years...so sad without you girls...losing your brothers and sister will be the death of me...I pray they don't get taken and that the woman is actually telling the truth and won't back stab me like the workers in our families case....
What makes me mad is most people don't believe me about it. But I know why they don't believe...because that would put them and their families at risk of the same fate as our family....and I totally get that...and understand why people are skeptical about how our situation turned out...and what lead up to it all being finalized...cuz I had to of done something wrong to deserve such fate...
But I was just young dumb and believed people and trusted people...obviously I didn't learn...I vented to the wrong person and now here I am with a can of worms opened up on us and I can't handle it...
I seriously think postpartum hits me late...and that was what was going on when you girls ended up taken...and I reached out for help and it was my biggest mistake of my life...I never should have gotten help...I should of just kept trying...not admit defeat...that was my wrong I did was reach out for help...
Anyways, I love you girls with all my heart and I can't wait to hold you in my arms again....
Sincerely,
Your Loving Birth Mother,
Rabeka (F) D
dob 5-1980
Monday, August 15, 2016
Happy birthday Katelyn!
Dear Katelyn,
Wow sweet 16 today?! Two more years until you are 18 and can come finally find me and I can hold you in my loving arms that have ache for so long to hold you two girls again! I wouldn't blame Rowsheall for waiting until your 18th birthday to come find me...both of you at the same time is totally up to y'all what you want to do...I really hope I don't disappoint you...I can't wait though!
I pray you all have a great life and are growing up Christian and have a loving caring family. God I know led you girls to the parents who conceived you in their hearts and wanted you for so long! And I hope they treated you both like princesses that you should feel you are...but stern when you needed it.
I love and miss you girls so very much...I still think about you both daily multiple times a day and it hurts me deeply that I have no idea who you girls are...I watch the three videos I have of you girls and just am so filled with disbelief that you grew bigger than the girls I see in the video...I can't imagine what you girls look like but I hope you favor me and are more beautiful than me (because you both deserve to be far more beautiful than I am or ever have been) I also cannot wait to meet your parents and thank them for raising you girls as their own...I am so appreciative of their dedication to taking on two girls so close in age...I know I was challenged but I was a single mom trying to take on the world.
Anyways...i love you hope you get all you wish for on your birthday today!
Miss you! Love you! Can't wait to see you and hold you again! We are in the home stretch! I do want y'all sooner of course but not sure if you can or not...I hope you can and will! Your brothers are eager to meet y'all and get to know you...
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D dob 05-1980
Sunday, July 10, 2016
Going to have a fusion done on my L5S1 disc
So my discogram showed my disc in the L5S1 is the cause of all my discomfort I am facing with my leg pain...so they are going in removing the disc replacing space with a plastic mesh that will allow the bones to fuse together and then a metal plate that will be screwed into the top vertebrae and bottom vertebrae...
There are risks with all surgeries and I hope and pray this is the answer I been looking for...and finally find relief without medication dependency to function in my everyday life. I also pray I walk away from the surgery...if not God must have a better plan for me than I had wanted. I'm learning to roll with the punches life swings at me...doesn't mean it doesn't devastated me at first doesn't mean it hurts less...just means I won't go extreme and wish to die anymore especially when life gets hard...it's so easy to get to that point...with each passing failure in my life I find myself headed down that road of despair but I'm getting better...
I have lots of stress from a psycho down my street ATM and I dont need her adding stress to my life...already wasted $300 on an attorney and i couldn't afford that and now have to pay more to continue going into court and her not have her paperwork she needs and the case is dismissed only for her to turn around and file a set aside dismissal and drag me back to court...which I'm facing PTSD symptoms because the horror I faced when l lost you girls... total distraught and devastated washes over me when I see court papers with false accusations on the damn papers... what she is trying to do is get a protection from stalking on me and your brother Dylan claims my actions of telling my children to stay away from her until I researched my involvement with her as a "friend" with me being a mother of two boys and a little girl, what the courts of family protection would say about my involvement with her and her son...confused yet? Well she is a registered sex offender to a 15 year old in 2000 she claims it was a set up to get black mailed but she was prosecuted and has to register as a sex offender for life. She never allowed me to research she suddenly got this pfs on me and Dylan but didn't show to first court date then didn't have proof she missed the first court date for "her son having an episode and having to take him in for emergency mental health care because of all that has happened due to my actions and words...I don't want to lose my family to gain a friend...not worth it to me...now she feels she needs a piece of paper stating our friendship is over...I haven't talked/texted/nothing since first court papers...I'm done with her...she says she doesn't do drama but all she is is gossip and drama...she expects in the end of court $4000 for moving expenses and for me to pay court fees etc...what a joke huh? So I'm stressed...on top of surgery on the 22nd...I'm an emotional train wreck...I hope it blows over soon...I'm about to move out of town and rent and sell the houses and be done with home ownership I'm so over everything falling apart...and having to be the ones to fix it or pay someone to fix it...I hate to see my childhood home...kinda want to stay until you come home so you can see it...since we all lived here with Grandma Sally aunt Jami and me and you two girls...but if this cunt doesn't stop causing me emotionally distress and not to mention a van down the street had a full clip unloaded into it awhile back...I can't get out of here faster...but have so much down sizing to get done so we can move ourselves again since no one volunteers to help...knows we are moving...but no one offers to help...but when we are asked to help move someone we help...idk what we did wrong...don't know why no one is there for us in times of need...and get criticism when asking for financial help to resolve this whole neighbor drama with the attorney fees...(my brother)
Anyway I'm sorry to go off on a tangent about this all...but it's quite upsetting to me.
Anyways,
Mommy Beky loves you girls so much it hurts so deep...I can't imagine losing my kids I have now too...that would destroy me...I wouldn't eat...I would shut down and wait for death cuz I can't go through another round of court order bs that after done wasn't done fast enough and my best wasn't good enough... leaving me to feel like the poorest excuse for a human being...
Love you both! Hope to see you soon!
Sincerely your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
DOB. 5-1989
Friday, May 20, 2016
Dearest daughters of mine
I have so much excitement I can't hardly stand it! March 29, 2017 and Aug 15, 2018 can't get here fast enough! I can't wait for you to meet your brothers and sister...and I pray I don't disappoint you...I feel worthless in this moment because of my L5S1 bulging and leaking fluid causing me unimaginable pain in my legs and back and butt...I called to set up the surgery to fix it I don't have a date yet...it may take them 4-6 weeks to get approval from my insurance before we can even get it scheduled then its going to be 4-6 weeks recovery time...so 2-4 months I should be healed enough to be able to ease myself back into activity and regain my life and start doing what I want to do...participate in life without pain medication...
I have ran into some stressful times and I don't understand it...and most my counseling I have done over the many years to fix my thoughts about how my children are extensions of my body and I have full control over them is slowly coming undone...I am having PTSD because the court papers remind me of the papers I received that defined what happened to lead to the worst day of my life...I have a paid lawyer this time...I am never going to court without one EVER again...but still feel anxiety and depression and shut down and cry for no reason out of the blue...and yeah PTSD full swing...
I would go into details about the situation but going to hold off on that until its over...because I don't think I can talk about it on a public blog until its done and over with...and even then I won't be able to say names and that is fine...I would rather not have their name on my blog...
Gosh I miss you girls so very much you must be so very big...I hope you all feel accepted and loved...
I fear I am failing with the boys...they are tweens (10 and 12 going to be 13 soon) and man such drama encircles them...I have way too much on my plate with just them and to add this other drama to my life 2nd go round with this court thing because first time was dismissed because the lady didn't even show up to court...she filed for a motion to modify the protection from stalking order and set aside the dismissal...wtfe that means...I am emotionally and physically distraught and can't stop crying and all I want to do is either sleep or cry....I was trying to have fun and play games and record myself doing so and then yeah no can't do that now cuz I end up in tears...just out of no where for no reason....stupid...hate it...I can't make money I can't get audience...if I don't go live on twitch and play....and don't upload...but Dylan is very hateful towards me too and that makes me shut down also...I want to be big on youtube I want to make a living and enjoy my job....life just keeps knocking me down when I think I am at the top...and this whole court thing is just rekindling the horrible feelings I felt when I lost you girls...I miss you so very much and wish I could hold you and know all about your life you lived and see you grow through pictures...
Anyways I must go I keep crying and can't see the screen,
Sincerely,
your loving birth mother,
Rabeka (F) D dob 5-1980
please contact me as soon as you can I can't stand to wait any longer than your 18th birthdays!
I have ran into some stressful times and I don't understand it...and most my counseling I have done over the many years to fix my thoughts about how my children are extensions of my body and I have full control over them is slowly coming undone...I am having PTSD because the court papers remind me of the papers I received that defined what happened to lead to the worst day of my life...I have a paid lawyer this time...I am never going to court without one EVER again...but still feel anxiety and depression and shut down and cry for no reason out of the blue...and yeah PTSD full swing...
I would go into details about the situation but going to hold off on that until its over...because I don't think I can talk about it on a public blog until its done and over with...and even then I won't be able to say names and that is fine...I would rather not have their name on my blog...
Gosh I miss you girls so very much you must be so very big...I hope you all feel accepted and loved...
I fear I am failing with the boys...they are tweens (10 and 12 going to be 13 soon) and man such drama encircles them...I have way too much on my plate with just them and to add this other drama to my life 2nd go round with this court thing because first time was dismissed because the lady didn't even show up to court...she filed for a motion to modify the protection from stalking order and set aside the dismissal...wtfe that means...I am emotionally and physically distraught and can't stop crying and all I want to do is either sleep or cry....I was trying to have fun and play games and record myself doing so and then yeah no can't do that now cuz I end up in tears...just out of no where for no reason....stupid...hate it...I can't make money I can't get audience...if I don't go live on twitch and play....and don't upload...but Dylan is very hateful towards me too and that makes me shut down also...I want to be big on youtube I want to make a living and enjoy my job....life just keeps knocking me down when I think I am at the top...and this whole court thing is just rekindling the horrible feelings I felt when I lost you girls...I miss you so very much and wish I could hold you and know all about your life you lived and see you grow through pictures...
Anyways I must go I keep crying and can't see the screen,
Sincerely,
your loving birth mother,
Rabeka (F) D dob 5-1980
please contact me as soon as you can I can't stand to wait any longer than your 18th birthdays!
Tuesday, May 17, 2016
Dearest Girls,
I got the most precious most desired presents I could ever imagine today on my 36th birthday today! I am still in utter shock of the whole receiving and I keep looking through just in awe and disbelief its real....
I am so happy! I love you both so very much...I am going to have back surgery in the near future to have my L5S1 disc removed and fused together and after that is scheduled I will be down and out for 4-6 weeks after that...and hopefully after recovery I will experience NO pain and be able to live my life normally and even enjoy some activities I have always wanted to get into...I am horrified but at the same time I am excited because of the pain free possibility and pain pill dependency on normalcy will be a thing of the past is what I mostly am excited about...I don't like being on them...but I know I cannot function without them...the pain is far too great to manage on my own...God helped me through my last pregnancy miraculously but now I am worse than ever...and there is no other way to fix this other than pills or surgery...I don't want pills so I am agreeing to do the surgery...I love you both so very much and I hope to be fully recovered by the time you come and find me....I can't wait! I am so excited!
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Dob: 5/1980
your loving birth mother longing to hold you in my arms again xoxo
I got the most precious most desired presents I could ever imagine today on my 36th birthday today! I am still in utter shock of the whole receiving and I keep looking through just in awe and disbelief its real....
I am so happy! I love you both so very much...I am going to have back surgery in the near future to have my L5S1 disc removed and fused together and after that is scheduled I will be down and out for 4-6 weeks after that...and hopefully after recovery I will experience NO pain and be able to live my life normally and even enjoy some activities I have always wanted to get into...I am horrified but at the same time I am excited because of the pain free possibility and pain pill dependency on normalcy will be a thing of the past is what I mostly am excited about...I don't like being on them...but I know I cannot function without them...the pain is far too great to manage on my own...God helped me through my last pregnancy miraculously but now I am worse than ever...and there is no other way to fix this other than pills or surgery...I don't want pills so I am agreeing to do the surgery...I love you both so very much and I hope to be fully recovered by the time you come and find me....I can't wait! I am so excited!
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Dob: 5/1980
your loving birth mother longing to hold you in my arms again xoxo
Thursday, April 14, 2016
Discogram results
Dear Girls,
It is highly recommended that I have a Disc Fusion on my L5S1 I can schedule it at anytime. it has a 80% success rate...so pretty good outcomes...I still am in the air about deciding to do the surgery or not...I want to talk to someone who had it done and how well they can bend over to pick up things etc.
It seems my disc just isn't stable and won't heal on its own...even with steroid injections...I wanna wait a year just to see if I can take it easy and allow it to heal on its own...before I commit to such an invasive procedure...anyway...I love you girls...I don't want to be bed ridden when you finally come home to me...but I have to schedule this surgery 4-6 weeks out and then it takes me 4-6 weeks to heal and for the bones to fuse together...so two months to 3 months I will be waiting and then healing...I am not sure I want to do this or not...I know I don't want the spasms and I don't want the constant ache in my legs...but also don't want to have to go through such an invasive procedure gambling if it works well for me or not....
Anyway, thought I would update you on that...
Sincerely,
Your Loving Birth Mother
Rabeka Jo (dob 5-1980)
It is highly recommended that I have a Disc Fusion on my L5S1 I can schedule it at anytime. it has a 80% success rate...so pretty good outcomes...I still am in the air about deciding to do the surgery or not...I want to talk to someone who had it done and how well they can bend over to pick up things etc.
It seems my disc just isn't stable and won't heal on its own...even with steroid injections...I wanna wait a year just to see if I can take it easy and allow it to heal on its own...before I commit to such an invasive procedure...anyway...I love you girls...I don't want to be bed ridden when you finally come home to me...but I have to schedule this surgery 4-6 weeks out and then it takes me 4-6 weeks to heal and for the bones to fuse together...so two months to 3 months I will be waiting and then healing...I am not sure I want to do this or not...I know I don't want the spasms and I don't want the constant ache in my legs...but also don't want to have to go through such an invasive procedure gambling if it works well for me or not....
Anyway, thought I would update you on that...
Sincerely,
Your Loving Birth Mother
Rabeka Jo (dob 5-1980)
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