Happy 17th birthday Katelyn!

Dear Katelyn,
One more year till you can come find me idk if I can hold out until then. My life has come to a terrible circumstance and there is not much I can do to change it. What's done is done and I'm an idiot in the end. Please know I love you and your siblings each and everyone of them so much. And I hope to see you someday. But I may not be able to. I probably will fail as I always do but if I do succeed I probably won't see you.
Maybe that's better for you girls anyway.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo  (F) D

Happy birthday Katelyn!

Dear Katelyn,
Wow sweet 16 today?! Two more years until you are 18 and can come finally find me and I can hold you in my loving arms that have ache for so long to hold you two girls again! I wouldn't blame Rowsheall for waiting until your 18th birthday to come find me...both of you at the same time is totally up to y'all what you want to do...I really hope I don't disappoint you...I can't wait though!
I pray you all have a great life and are growing up Christian and have a loving caring family. God I know led you girls to the parents who conceived you in their hearts and wanted you for so long! And I hope they treated you both like princesses that you should feel you are...but stern when you needed it.
I love and miss you girls so very much...I still think about you both daily multiple times a day and it hurts me deeply that I have no idea who you girls are...I watch the three videos I have of you girls and just am so filled with disbelief that you grew bigger than the girls I see in the video...I can't imagine what you girls look like but I hope you favor me and are more beautiful than me (because you both deserve to be far more beautiful than I am or ever have been) I also cannot wait to meet your parents and thank them for raising you girls as their own...I am so appreciative of their dedication to taking on two girls so close in age...I know I was challenged but I was a single mom trying to take on the world.
Anyways...i love you hope you get all you wish for on your birthday today!
Miss you! Love you! Can't wait to see you and hold you again! We are in the home stretch! I do want y'all sooner of course but not sure if you can or not...I hope you can and will! Your brothers are eager to meet y'all and get to know you...
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo  (F) D dob 05-1980

Happy Birthday Katelyn! You are 15 yay 3 more years until you can come find me!

Hey baby girl yes I am a day late but doesn't mean I didn't think of you all day yesterday which I did, I just didn't have the time to jot you a note on here, its been chaotic around here with school getting ready to start and us trying to get our other house rented so hopefully in the end it can be purchased and we can be done with the whole renting scene as we are totally done with that. Anyways. I hope your day was most special of all and continues to get better over the many years to come. I love you and your sister so very much it hurts so bad that I cannot touch you and hold you and wish you a Happy birthday in person. My heart aches to hear your voice and see your faces, we are getting closer to your 18th birthdays and I can hardly wait! I hope you do seek me out. I hope you find this blog and know that not one single day went by that I did not think of you I just don't want to overwhelm you with so many posts you can't possibly catch up with so I limited myself over the years as to how much I posted so not to overwhelm you when you do read it.
Wow 15 years old...I remember when I was 15. I really hope your 15 looks very much different than mine as I hope you aren't making some of the mistakes I made at that age and continued to make until I wised up and learned the hard way that my mom (your grandma Sally) was right about everything and I should of minded her all those years I was rebelling her ruling over my life. I sincerely hope you are a good girl and mind your parents. I also hope you are respectful of yourself and others.
I love you both so very much be sure to tell your sister that for me. I really do miss you girls so very much...I want to post videos of you girls on youtube during our visits with Jacqueline Perry the social worker who chomped her gum annoyingly throughout them and scribbled down on her pad of paper when things weren't going too smoothly and then sat there watching as everything was nice and calm and going great...focusing only on the negatives during our visits. and conveniently you girls needed naps so we had a lot of fun during our visits and she had tons of notes to share with court about how bad of a mother I was. I needed guidance and all I got was them making me look bad in court and not conserving my family unit because it was broken because I didn't have a husband and house of my own I had a mother and a sister and we all supported each other and it would of worked...but the grass was greener on the other side of the fence with a stable married couple with lots of money to spare...so you could be spoiled and could have everything you could ever wish to have. I hope that is what happened at least...since it was so much better where you were going verses where you were coming from.
Anyway, I hope you had a great day sweetheart and your dad Kenneth Raymond Fairchild wished you a happy birthday on my facebook. I will keep in contact with him so you can get in touch with him when you come to me. I love you so very much and he does too...and I am sorry I didn't have any idea that you could of been his...and I am sorry the system didn't tell me that dna testing said you were not Bruce Hetzel's daughter. They failed your real dad tremendously by not saying so and allowing me to get in touch with him so he could try to get you since I wasn't going to get you...but they were telling me I was getting you girls back the entire time saying I had everything done and then in court said I refused to do a number of court ordered classes or treatments or whatever it was and they said I was fine then in court said I was faking good on my psych eval...smh...I just can't get over how they railroaded me and your grandmother. I hate that fact that I gave my all and it wasn't good enough or fast enough for the courts to give me you girls back...I need to get the address to write to you girls so it can go into your file...I figure I will write and then link this blog in it so you can read all the posts here...I am just so scared I don't know why but I am working on it with my counselor...I think its the fact that I can never go back and edit anything I say in those letters that I send and I am afraid that what I say may or may not make you want to come find me and I don't want to mess up any of that possibility since there maybe just a small curiosity there to begin with and then my letter may totally throw the small bit out of the water and you won't come find me for many years. I cannot hardly wait until you are 18 and I hope and pray you do seek me out. I really really miss you girls so bad it hurts...I cannot go much longer than that for you to come see me...I want to hold you so bad and I can't...it hurts so bad!
Anyway I will talk to you later I cannot see the screen now as I am crying.
I love you both so very much and miss you so very much!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
dob: 5-1980

Happy 14th birthday

Happy birthday Katelyn! I can't wait until I get to see you again...I miss you and your sister so very much...no words could ever express all the strength in the words I miss you and I love you cause both sayings are the strongest feelings anyone could ever feel...my heart has such a huge hole in it where you girls belong and I really wish I had not been taken advantage of and back stabbed like I was which lead us to lives apart from each other. I hope you have lived a happy wonderful life without me...I felt guilty all these years for feeling happy without you...but I realize that is robbing me and my family I have now...no they deserve to be happy and so do you and so do I...I don't know if you're happy and I don't know if your sister is happy either...but I can't sit here being pessimistic and thinking the worst case scenario like I have in the past...its torturing me. I have to think positive so I can finally be at peace and be able to live my life like I think you are living. And when you do come home to me I will be so happy and open armed ready to hold you in my arms.
I hope you had a wonderful birthday today. There are four more years until you're 18 and are able to come home to me.
I love you and miss you much!
See you soon,
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F) (dob 5-1980)

Katelyn and Rowsheall sorry so late

I didn't forget your birthday...I feel like I've said all I can and I'm just repeating myself over and over again...I did think of you on your birthday and was going to write to you but just was overwhelmed with the feeling of saying the same things over and over...I miss you both so much and think so often of you it hurts...I love you both so very much that words could never express my love for you both...
Update on me...I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and it's the pits...no rhyme or reason for being in pain and being tired majority of the time...I'm a mess...falling apart...feel so much older than I am...
Your brothers are still quarreling I'm not sure if siblings ever grow out of that...I hope you two are best friends and are taking care of each other...hope your birthday was great Katelyn...sorry I didn't write sooner...but again felt repetitive and discouraged about the whole blog thing since I feel I'm just talking to myself right now and random strangers who pass through blogs and find it...whichever is fine I just wish I had feedback to keep me going...I'm doing my best and sometimes that's not enough...like when I lost you girls it wasn't enough...
So been working on that with my counselor because I feel I can't do anything right anymore...
I started a Lego blanket for your brothers (crochet) its coming along nicely...guess that's one thing I can do right...anyways
I love you both and miss you both so very much you have no idea how wide my arms are waiting for you to return home to me!
Talk to you soon I hope.
Sincerely,
Your loving birthmother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Ps...katelyn your not really 12 are you' it really hasn't been 10 years since I last seen you? Where has the time gone?! You will be here sooner than I know it! 6 more years! Can't wait! And your biological father can't wait to meet you he loves you so very much I hope his health waits for your return home to take him home...he has lung cancer :-( but he is fighting it with all he has! He really wished he would have known you were his years ago...and quite frankly I wish I knew too... Talk to you later love you

Dear Katelyn,

Seriously 7 more years before you can come and see me again? and I see you? wow your 11 years old! thats unbelievable how time has flown by...I can't wait to see you and your sister! I love you so very much and even thought the 12th was your birthday by mistake and told your brothers they were excited that we are so close to you coming home to see us...We really can't wait to see you again!

I remember when you were born I had stated that Bruce (who at the time I believed was your father) didn't mean to hit me...but he did...that was the one shot wonder drug that they gave me talking...I looked at you and was so amazed by how perfect you were just as with all my children...how perfect you all were...I loved you so very much...and still do...and its been hard these last 9 years...I still cry when I talk about our case and what the state did to our family...but there is nothing I could do now to change it...and if I could I would let you decide what you wanted to do...I know you have grown to love your forever family...you might go through a bout of hate and rebellion towards them as some teens do but not all teens...your Aunt Jami didn't :-) and you might think living with me would be so much better than living with them because they are so unfair or whatever just cause they have your best interest at heart...I assure you living with me wouldn't be much different accept that not both parents work in this home...just the daddy...and mommy isn't all fun and games...though if I had you guys at home I really don't know what I would be...I wouldn't be depressed I am sure of that...cause I would be complete I know that...but I really don't know what that looks like any more...

I love you so very much I hope you got everything you hoped you would get today...and more...I remember how excited you would get when I entered the room to pick you up...you did a full body quiver and straighten your arms and legs and open your eyes wide and blow out flat tight lips out of excitement...mainly I remember you doing this in your peter rabbit snow coat on...I love you so very much Katelyn I am so sorry I failed you and your sister I really truly am...but I assure you I didn't do what was accused of being done...no matter what anyone tells you know this is the truth...I really didn't do the things they thought I was doing and half way proved I was doing which was Meth...they told me day before they took a home drug screen that I needed to get off the flexeril asap cause it comes up positive on their home drug screens as meth...so they got that positive UA and won you guys cause I couldn't fight it...and for that I am so sorry I really wish I hadn't taken any medications over the counter or prescribed...EVER in my life...cause then all this mess wouldn't have happened...and we would still be together...

Anyway I love you so very much :-) I really do miss you so very much and can't wait to see you again!...I can't say it enough!

Talk to you later.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D (F) (D.O.B. 05-1980)
your loving birth mother who won't EVER forget

It took the state 507 days to destroy our family I had with you both Rowsheall and Katelyn.

Thats One year 4 months and 20 days

Thats 43,804,800 seconds

Thats 730,080 Minutes

Thats 12,168 hours

thats 72 weeks (rounded down)

It seems only yesterday was the last time I seen you both but it has been 2923 days

thats 8 yrs and ago to the date

thats 252,547,200 seconds

thats 4,209,120 minutes

thats 70,152 hours

thats 413 weeks (rounded down)

I can't believe my babies are growing up without me...and they are no longer 3 and 2 as they were today 8 yrs ago...its unbelieveable how long it has been...I miss you every waking hour of my life and ache to hear your laughs, feel you hugging me, hearing you both say you love me...I watch the DVD home videos of you both and want to just reach into the tv and hold you one last time...but I can't...and that is something I have to come to terms with every waking hour of my life...

I am surviving, I am not sure how I am but I am...and I am trying my best to keep myself together but its an every moment battle...losing you two were worst than losing my latest daughter who died...losing you two absolutely destroyed me...and for a short while I let it....I hope you understand when you come home to meet me that I did everything in my ability (cause this was a very debilitating experience I had ever experienced in my life) but I am so thankful that I got to spend the time I did with them or partly be apart of their lives.

I got to see and be apart of Rowshealls life 1250 days (March 29th 1999-Aug 29th 2002)

Thats 3 years 5 months, to the date

thats 108,000,000 seconds

thats 1,800,000 minutes

thats 30,000 hours

or 178 weeks (rounded down)

I got to see and be apart of Katelyn's life for 744 days (Aug 15th 2000-Aug 29th 2002)

thats 2 yrs, 14 days

thats 64,281,600 seconds

thats 1,071,360 minutes

thats 106 weeks (rounded down

I had custody of the girls and doing what I had to and made sure my kids needs were met which they were well taken care of....for

Rowsheall 743 days

thats 2 yrs 12 days

thats 64,195,200 seconds

thats 1,069,920 minutes

thats 17,832 hours

thats 106 weeks (Rounded down)

Katelyne 238 days

thats 7 months 26 days

thats 20,563,200 seconds

thats 342,720 minutes

thats 34 weeks

and by the time I got to visit with the girls Katelyn didn't even recognize me and cried for her mom the full hour visitation who was right in front of her...which really deeply broke my heart into a million billion zillion infinity pieces...

Well baby's I miss you terribly bad...and I love you so very much and I can't wait to see you again someday hopefully sooner than later...I really am doing good...just miss you alot and try not to let it get to me too bad cause I hold the thought that you will someday come and find me and if its till your 18th birthdays

Rowsheall will come home in 2405 days, thats 6 yrs, 7 months, and 1 day

Thats 207,792,000 seconds

thats 3,463, 200 minutes

thats 57,720 hours

343 weeks (rounded down)

Katelyn will come home in 2909 days

thats 7 yrs, 11 months, and 18 days

thats 251,337,600 seconds

thats 4,188,960 minutes

thats 69,816 hours

thats 415 weeks (rounded down)

thats not as long as I have been without you two...so I can do this...I don't want to but I have to...it kills me...but I do what I have to....

How fun to know all the calculations of our lives and how soon we will see each other again...I am so excited! I can't wait but have to ya know what I mean!

I love you so very much and miss you two so very much...

Sincerely,

your loving birth mother

Rabeka Jo (F) D (DOB 5/1980)

Katelyn Marie,

I can't believe you are turning 10 today, its amazing how time is just flying by. 8 more years before you can come and find me, I am so excited about meeting you someday...I know it could be sooner than that depending on your adoptive parent's desires but I count on that 18th birthday for sure...

You must be getting so big by now...Your dad Kenneth Raymond Fairchild just texted me saying he was just thinking about our baby girl on her birthday...he just found out sometime this last year as I did too that he was the father of you...big surprise to us both...but a good surprise...anyway...I just wanted you to know I and your daddy are thinking about you on your birthday.

I miss you and your sister so very much, and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you two. I just bought me some thinking of you cards, and note book and envelopes, I hope to write a few letters throughout the year and hopefully find out where to send them so they get stored into a file for when you and your sister come of age...though I hate to send them and then find out you never got them cause they got lost...or something...so I guess I should make copies for my own box to give to you girls when you come home...I have a few things I have from when you were with me as well as what I bought you throughout the years too...its not much of a collection of things...but it sure is better than nothing...I really can't believe you are actually going to be 10 this year...you are still 2 in my mind...Aug 29th, 2002 was the last day I seen you and your sister...and its so hard to think you are no longer that cute little baby girl anymore....but I am thankful each day that you are well taken care of and I pray that you are happy and healthy and thriving and having the best life God has to offer you. I wish it was with me but know it was best that you and your sister were to be else where...even if right now or back then I couldn't see the point I was a loving mother without a clue and I really wish I could undo a lot of things I said and did (those not being what I was accused of) but things I felt I had to do so I could get you girls back home with me...anyway...

I hope you have a happy birthday and get everything you want for your birthday. I also hope you still think of me as I do you, but I hope these thoughts are happy ones as they are for me happy thoughts of you coming home to me when the time is right. I really do love you and your sister so very much. I really hope you are doing very well where you are and are truly happy and settled. I would pursue custody but know that it would be more traumatic for you to be taken from where you are now to be placed with me and thats why I haven't pursued it farther...but it was unjust that you both were taken from me permanently like you were...but the damage is already done and there is no turning back now...

Anyway I love you so very much Katelyn and so does your daddy Ray and Daddy Johnny (my husband ur step dad) I will talk to you later Katelyn Marie, see you someday soon :-)

Sincerely,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

your Birth mother

(D.O.B. 5-1980)

Hey baby girls I miss you so much and think of you often. Your dad Johnny and I have found a house that is 6 bedroom 2 bath and are hopefully moving in May 5th...I am so excited! We will have three extra bedrooms one for a daughter we plan to adopt in the future...and then two extra rooms for my craft room and Johnny's man stuff...but easily we can convert our extra rooms into your bed rooms when and if you do come home...I am so ready for that...and I hope you do want to come stay with us if not only for the weekends or vacation leaves from school like summer break or spring break or winter break or whatever....I would love to have my baby girls home with me finally!

I am so excited I am packing my things and making sure I pack all the things I am keeping to show you girls from when you girls were with me...they arn't much but I have fond memories with them...anyway, I love you I need to get some rest as your youngest brother Jack needs to go to a dentist to have a consult about getting his cavities filled...then off to pack some more :-) I haven't moved since I was 6 years old accept the temporary moves between my moms house and your dad's house Rowsheall...I never really lived lived with Katelyn's dad Raymond, he really didn't have the room for me and you Rowsheall...and then after I had Katelyn I had no clue that she was his...but others thought so...I argued...but now I know the truth...Anyway, I hope I didn't disappoint you girls too much with the choice of fathers I ended up with...I just know I never regretted having either one of you...I sometimes wish you hadn't been so close in age at times 17 months apart is awful close but I found even with 21 months between your brothers its just as hard if not harder...so there really isn't a right or wrong spacing between kids...I just hope that what I thought would happen with you girls is that when you get older you become each others best friends :-) because of you being so close in age I hope it happens sooner for you girls if it hasn't already happened...I know for a fact that there are probably arguments and jealousy fuming around you girls but I hope you stick together in the end...

Anyway I hope you both are doing well and are happy and healthy and smart and everything you wanna be...I love you girls so very much and I won't stop loving or thinking about you girls even when I don't post on this blog...I figure it this much...if I did post everyday I thought about you girls you would have a whole bunch of reading this way you girls will only have limited reading material to sift through and things would work out better that way and I could just talk to you girls about things to your face when that day comes :-)

I love you so very much! I can't say it enough cause I do!

I will talk to you girls Later and hopefully by that time I will have the place all set up in our new home and settled down...

My 30th birthday is coming up this May...I am feeling so old ha ha...but know I am not. And your Dad Johnny is going to be 40 in June...yep going over the hill...but he is fit for his age and he takes good care of himself...Anyway I will talk to you girls later I love you good night.

Sincerely,

Your loving Birth Mother,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

DOB May 1980

Dear Katelyn, Your father's name is Kenneth Ray Fairchild he lives in Heston I believe at the moment I will keep in touch with him for easy communication with him when you come to find me...I just wanted you to know his full name so you know it for your family tree. Dear Rowsheall, Your father is Bruce Elmore Hetzel he still lives in Wichita at the moment and I will NOT be staying in communication with him, but maybe every now and then your paternal grandmother Romona Darlene Hetzel (or Darlene Romona Hetzel I cant ever remember which order it went cause she goes by Romona and other times she goes by Darlene) So anyway. I will get you in touch with her when you come find me and she can get you in touch with your dad. I am sorry I just cannot be in contact with Bruce, he was aweful to me and just seeing him on the street fills me with so much anxiety and fear its unbelievable. And for that I am sorry. I didn't pick a better man to be your father. I love you and I hope you understand I was young and dumb and didn't think it was going to get worse but get better...something I hope you learn from me...that you cannot change a man and his ways, especially if it makes you feel so horrible about yourself it will only get worse in the end. Dear Rowsheal and Katelyn, I am hopeful to get in touch with your parents for pictures at least...and I hope you guys don't mind if I get squared away with my emotional state and get things in line for me and my husband to adopt a little girl...I hope you understand my moving on and having the two brothers of yours and your sister who passed away...and I hope that you know its not to replace you but help me through your absence in my life. I love you both unconditionally and that will NEVER change. I miss you both so very much every waking hour and moment...and think about you just as often. I can't wait til the day comes when you come home to me so I can hold you girls in my arms again. Sincerely, Your loving biological mother, Rabeka Jo (F) D

Today I stopped by your grandmother Romona Hetzel's and visited with her a little. Caught up on things, and found out that Katelyn is not Bruce's daughter but Raymond Fairchild's I need to get in touch with him, though now it wouldn't do much good but bring sorrow to his heart to know that you were taken from him without knowing all these years...and not be able to do anything about it...but I feel he should know...Just so when you come find me and I send you in his direction he wont be in too big of shock. I learned that you two visited with her unofficially on occasions...which was sweet of the foster mom to put that together for you girls. She really does love you, and misses you both dearly I hope she is still around when you come around so you can go find her as well...both foster mom and grandma, since she is the only grandma you have left thats biological at least. I miss you guys so much I think thats why I went to visit with her to see if maybe just maybe she had more recent pictures of you girls but she doesn't. She was more sweet to me than she ever has been...so that was a nice welcoming. I don't know how I would of taken a rejection from her after my mom died...Im not doing too great after that, and the one year anniversary to Josephine's birth and death your baby sister. I just want my mom and can't have her so its really effecting me. I know it has probably (at least I hope but don't hope cause its aweful feeling not being able to be with me) been hard on you in the same way as you being away from me. I know that kind of sounds selfish, but I just hope you girls don't forget how much I love you and what all I did to get you girls back home with me and failed. I am really missing you girls a whole lot lately, and I hope to find the noterize form I have to fill out and get noterized and sent to topeka to get that communications opened with your parents you have now and hopefully get those pictures of you guys soon. I know I say this often but I really want to do it this time and I will just give a link to this site for them to read if they feel they are ready to read the truth of the matter, and find out how loving and caring I truely am. And that I havn't forgotten you guys. I know I don't write much, but it don't mean I don't think of you both only this often as I write on here...cause if I did that, it would definately be overwhelming for you girls to read when you do find it, as it is overwhelming as it is right now and there are a few more years to squeeze onto this board before your old enough to find me and be introduced to it...or for you to know how to search for your birth names. I love you girls so much, I am going to let you go for now, I need to run to the walmart and find some soybean/glycol free shampoo, conditioner, lotion, and body wash since I found I am allergic to soybean I have noticed that glycol is soybean based and I have been and always have reacted to shampoo and conditioner as well as bodywash and lotions, and I had no idea why I was itchy but now I know...this is going to be a several hour task I am sure. Talk to you girls, later I love you so very much and miss you constantly. Sincerely, Your loving birth mom, Rabeka Jo (F) D

Dear Katelyn, I can't believe you are turning 9 today, it's unbelievable how time has flown since the last time I got to hold you and tell you I loved you. I just got done watching the home videos of you girls as I always do on each one of your birthdays, and sometimes on hollidays if I feel the need to feel close to you and know that you love me... I know I wasn't very close to you Katelyn when I had you, mommy went through post partum pretty hard after you were born, and I regret that tramendously. During our first visitation after a few months after you were taken by the state from me, you cried the whole hour for your mommy, and I was right there. It crushed me so hard, I cried a lil and the supervisor took me outside and said if I didn't regain control of my emotions she was going to have to end the visitation. So I had to swollow the tears and try to get you distracted but I just couldn't tear you from that door and you crying for your mommy. I tried. It wasn't your fault you didn't know me anymore, it was mine. Had I not trusted the babysitter Tiffany Christ-Griffin to take care of you girls 24-7 as needed to help me get on our feet, I would of still had you girls and I would of not had to be away from you that long. I am so sorry I was young and dumb when I brought you into this world. Time keeps truckin on, and with each passing year we get closer to the day you can come find me, and I am so excited and can't hardly wait to see you girls again. I want to show you the few pictures I have of us and the three videos I have of us that I watch every birthday of each of you girls. I am so excited to know its just around the bend...and I wait so patiently. I still havn't found that form to fill out and get noterized so I can open the communication between me and your new parents...plus just asking for pictures and anything else they wish to share with me...is hard cause I feel I should justify myself in them knowing that I wasn't that bad of a mother, and that I did love you girls dearly, that I wasn't on drugs as they accused me of etc. But I also don't want to write a 10 page essay on the whole thing. So I am kind of torn on writing that request cause I know I shouldn't overwhelm on the first letter just a to the point letter to start and if they want to ask questions they can. I am clearly an open book as I have placed the whole story on the net for the world to read in the hopes that when you girls get old enough you can google your names and find this here blog. Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful eventful (good events) day filled with your loving family and friends surrounding you during your special day. I love you and miss you so very much. I will talk to you later, Sincerely, Rabeka Jo (F) D your Biological mother p.s. tell Rowsheall hi and tell her that I love her too thanks

Katelyn Marie, Happy 8th Birthday sweety! I love you and miss you so deeply. I hope you had a wonderful birthday and got all the presents you wanted this year. Your baby sister will be here next month sometime, she has problems though so she may not make it, but if she don't make it you will have one more angel looking over you and your sister. I love you sweety and miss you so much...I wish I could hug you and hold you just once a year and hold you for a long time. I am to get the form filled out again and get it noterized and sent to your adoptive parents so I can open communication again to write and request pictures of you girls so I can see you and see how big you are now and so that way your maternal grandmother can see you before she dies. Her cancer has spread, and the Chemo isn't doing much for it but we are hopeful it will start working soon. I will talk to you later sweety, I miss you and your sister dearly, please let Rowsheall know. Sincerely, Rabeka Jo F D your Birthmother (Dob 5/1980)

Katelyn, I tried to post like I had promised but could not access the blogger account until now. Sorry honey I did think about you all day long and dreamed about how big you are getting and what all presents you got that day...I miss you and love you very much and cannot wait to see you again some day soon. Sincerely, Rabeka Jo D (Your birthmother d.o.b. 5-80)

Katelyn when we first brought her home

Katelyn my computer geek just like mommy

Katelyn in the ball pit at McDonalds at Rowshealls 3rd birthday party

Katelyn Marie, I hardly got to get to know you before you were taken from me...But when you were born it was another happy moment in my life, I wasn't there for very many of your firsts I'm sorry for that...But I was trying to do what was best for you two and found out it was the worst later on...I shouldn't have gone into the hospital I should of been strong and just dealt with the pain and suffering I was facing on my own without medications...I am so sorry I wasn't there I wish I could turn back time and fix everything but I can't...I love you so much. I do remember visiting you over at the babysitters house to get your older sister Rowsheall and take her out for lunch cause your grandma and the babysitter Tiffany decided that if I could handle Rowsheall then I could handle you both...Anyway I walked into the door to where you were at and you got soooo excited to see me you had a 'oh' look on your face and got so excited to see me...I wont ever forget that look nor the excitement in your eyes and the sound you made...I also wont forget the smell of you either...That's the one thing that stuck in my memory is the smell of you. The first visit we got to share I had to rip you away from your foster mother Jan...Which was so hard for me...I had to keep you from going to the door the whole visit in the small room we got to visit in while you cried for your "mommy" the whole visits, for months it went like this...Your "mommy" you were referring to was a perfect stranger to me...So it was really hard for me to accept the fact you were calling her "mommy". I remember the first time I saw you actually walk without falling down (of course it wasn't your first steps and I'm sorry I missed those) I was so happy you were walking, it was at your first year birthday party...You still weren't too keen on the idea of hanging out with me, but were starting to come around...I loved you two so very much it was so hard for me to even visit with you two cause it absolutely broke my heart to think I wouldn't ever see you again. The last visit we shared was great, though I spent most my time with your sister Rowsheall because I figured there would be a better chance she would remember the visit and tell you about the whole thing later...I told her to take care of you...I hope she did...I love you both so much! I miss you both so much! I can hardly stand being apart! I can't wait till you two come home to me I love you so much. I need to go for now but I will write journal entries as much as I can on this site. Sincerely, Your birth mother, Rabeka Jo (Frantz) Drew 05*16*1980