Happy 19th Rowsheall Kailyn!

Dear Rowsheall Kailyn,
You turn 19 today (Ok I'm early it's the 29th you turn 19 lol I read the date wrong) :) and when Katelyn turns 18 on August 15th you will be able to come and find me and end this hide and seek game the courts forced us to play back on Aug 29th, 2002 when I last seen your smiling faces. I am so sorry I believed the workers that were on our case that I had everything done and that I was getting you girls back. And relaxed in that reassurance only to be told total opposite in court to the judge. I'm also sorry I listened to my court appointed lawyer that we were looking good and didn't need my character witnesses and that if we brought them in it would of hurt our case. I am thankful for the family who took you in as your own and gave you both the life I couldn't provide as I was poor. You were conceived in my womb but also in the hearts of your adoptive parents <3 I have prayed you were happy and raised better than I could ever do. I know in my heart you were. For that I'm thankful.
Mommy Becky is here waiting with her arms opened ready to hold you in her loving arms again.
See you soon baby girl!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D

Happy 18th birthday Rowsheall Kailyn

Dear Rowsheall,
The day is finally here. The game of hide and seek can end today. (That's what I told you on our last visit). I'm here in the same house open armed and got memory box and pictures and DVD of our home videos of the supervised visits (minus the last visit because the supervisor screwed up the camera grr) anyways baby girl I was in labor all day the 28th started getting real about 1:00amish so went to the hospital they sent me home around 1:30am  because I wasn't making progress was still at a 3 came back half an hour later I was a 7 then at 2:16am had you. Glad I got back in time. Anyways.
Thankful you were adopted quickly after the last visitation that was Aug 29, 2002. And I look at the adoption as you were concieved not only in my womb but also in the hearts of the parents who raised you.
I'm super excited to see you...Well meet you and see what a beautiful woman you are today. I was born at 1:08am and you were born at 2:16am so X2 :) how I remember, you're the only one I remember the time for, I have to look up everyone else's :) anyways. I hope you have a great birthday today and I hope I'm included in your celebration as I can hardly contain my excitement to finally be able to hug you and hold you again.
If you wanna wait until Katelyn turns 18 and you both can come find me I understand that I will still be waiting how ever long you wanna wait but I hope not too long after Katelyn turns 18. Idk if I can wait much longer after that. It's been a long 14 years 7 months since I last held you, heard you laugh, heard your voice, kissed you, hugged you, sung you are my sunshine, and fought back tears because my heart was breaking in a million pieces and I didn't want our visit to end early. I'm sorry I failed you. But I hope it was for your best. God had his hand on where you ended up. I feel it. Even if the devil won the court system and made it fail us and destroyed me and our family. I'm still here looking forward in meeting you. You all are why I keep going. I keep fighting the depression and fibromyalgia and whatever else that is going on with my health the doctor doesn't know keeps sending me places I had L5S1 fusion surgery. Now I get to see a rheumatologist about the elevated inflammation levels. Hopefully I can walk away with better answers as to why I hurt so bad physically and have a better pain management plan in place and can function better in my day. I will keep fighting the good fight no matter how much I wanna just quit. You will come find me either today or someday soon and I will be waiting with my arms opened wide. I had Torticolis outbreak this morning so pardon my neck brace if you do come today.
I love you and miss you so much I can't hardly contain myself!

Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
D.O.B. 5-1980

P.s. my husband bought my mom's house which is why I'm in the same house as when you two were robbed from me April 10, 2001 ironically your due date.

Happy birthday Rowsheall

I thought of you all month...I missed River Lyrics birthday too. I'm sorry, I feel as if I'm a broken record in my messages so I've been discouraged from writing and I'm sorry...I do love you and your sister Katelyn so much, I think of you both very often...and its hard for me. I finally found the info to send a letter requesting pictures of you girls. I'm just going to do it...if rejected I guess life will have no other choice but to move on. Hope it doesn't hurt so bad.
Hope it will be granted...I can't stand and haven't been able to stand not being able to see you grown through the years.
Anyway happy birthday sweet baby I hope it was best and you got everything you wanted xoxo. I miss you. I will talk more later...
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Your loving birth mother awaiting your return home to my loving arms xoxo

Dear Rowsheall,
Happy 13th Birthday, you must be getting so big by now...its amazing that it will have been 10 years since the last time I seen you on Aug 29th this year...wow how time has flown by...only 5 more years before your 18! I wouldn't mind getting in touch with you before then but I do know for sure you will be getting in touch with me for sure then...at least I hope you will...I hope you had a very blessed birthday with your friends at school and family later that evening :-) I have been thinking about you girls a whole whole lot as always...I don't want to overwhelm you too much with blog posts through out my day when I think of you because I wouldn't want to be hounded in reading all this as it sits with just the holidays, birthdays, and eventful moments that I feel I need to share with you girls...I hope you understand this and don't resent me for not posting everyday...as I had originally intended...which would have walked you through my 15 yrs for you to read about so you knew exactly what I been up to while we were apart...I spare you just know this lol...I love you girls so very much and I can't hardly contain myself with how close we are to seeing each other again! I am so excited!
I love you so much I hope you had a great birthday even best by far this year...I think your in 6th grade by now am I right? wow I remember that year like it was yesterday for me...I didn't really fit in with the kids and struggled to fit in...but I hope you are not having the same issues as I had and I hope you have had a wonderful life so far...the part I hate about us being apart and me writing this to you without knowing the history of what you been through up till now when you are reading this...is hard cause things could be bad there but I gotta trust God in taking care of you both until we can be reunited again...I do tend to wonder my thoughts to the bad ones and worry about your safety and your self esteem...etc...but I can't stay there too long cause it will drive me crazy...I no doubt wish you were here with me as so does your brother Dylan who is 8 now and keeps asking about you girls and when you will be coming home to meet them...and keeps asking why its taking so long...breaks my heart that I screwed this up to where you all couldn't be together...I did do my best though...and as usual it wasn't good enough...anyway I wanted to blog to you since today is your birthday...I hadn't had a chance all day to write to you as I had intended even thought about doing it last night so I was sure it was here today in case you were out there reading this blog secretly...as I kind of hope you are...I also fantasize about you writing me like I am to you so I can catch up on you through your life and your struggles as you have already read through some of mine...I been fighting back tears all day...but tried very hard to keep busy to keep my mind from letting me cave in to the tears...I hate having to explain why I am sad and crying...its definitely easier to just pretend to be happy so no one is concerned just as a post I seen on my facebook had stated...anyway...I love you so much and I don't want to end this but I am afraid I need to...because I need to go to bed so I can get up in the morning to see what damage was done to our property due to a hail storm that just passed through tonight...I hope you weren't anywhere near this storm and had a delightful time on your special day.
I love you I just can't say it enough! my heart aches for you and your sister Katelyn!
I just can't hardly wait!
Talk to you soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D (F) (DOB 5-1980) your loving birth mother who is waiting with her arms wide open

Dear Rowsheall Kailyn,
I still have difficulties picturing you older than 3 but today you turn 12...and that in so hard to believe but in 6 more years you will be able to come and find me but its OK if you wait till your sister is 18 too so you both can find me...I am waiting with my arms wide open ready to hold you and kiss you and never let you go again....Celine Dion wrote a song Called Miracle http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGNQ9bu1mDk not sure if the link will work when you find this or when I show you this blog but this is how I feel about you, and Katelyn, and Dylan, and Jack, and Josephine, and now River....I just want to hold you now but I can't....and that hurts more than anything I have experienced I know where Josephine and River are...they are with our Father and with Jesus our Savior....you and Katelyn I don't know where you are...I just have to trust that God is watching over you and keeping you and your sister safe until you can come home to me....another song that hits home is Precious Child by Karen Tyler-Good even if its for a child who passed away...you are living in my heart for now...and I will be able to see you and hold you here on earth and your sister Katelyn too....I am so lost without you girls...I am trying to be a good mom to your two brothers I have been blessed with...its just so hard to keep going when the world around me keeps crumbling around me...but I have to keep going because someday you will come find me and I want to be here to see you and hold you once again....that day will be the day my life will be justified as being worth living....and everything will just fall back into place...I know your parents will still be in your life as they raised you since the state didn't see me able to raise you but I am able to raise your brothers...though sometimes I doubt myself and my abilities at times but I know God will help me get through the hard times and I rest in the promises that God has gave us...
I really pray God helps you in any resentment you may feel towards me as I did everything I could and it wasn't good enough for the state to put us back together forever but rather put us apart for a short while...I love you so very much and I can't say that enough....I am struggling without you both but I will survive....I have to....so I can see you again....I miss you so very much! I can't say that enough either...I really want to write your parents requesting pictures but I am so scared they will reject me....that would just break me if they  did...I can't take anymore heartache I hope I can get the guts to ask for permission to contact your parents and then write that letter opening our door of communication....I just am so scared to be rejected....I hope to be able to do that soon though....I will keep praying about it and praying for you all (mom, dad, you and your sister and your family)....I will talk to you later though.
I hope you had a wonderful Happy 12th Birthday Rowsheall and all your dreams came true today...you got everything you wanted....I love you and will talk to you again soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
your birth mother who won't ever forget you and your sister

It took the state 507 days to destroy our family I had with you both Rowsheall and Katelyn.

Thats One year 4 months and 20 days

Thats 43,804,800 seconds

Thats 730,080 Minutes

Thats 12,168 hours

thats 72 weeks (rounded down)

It seems only yesterday was the last time I seen you both but it has been 2923 days

thats 8 yrs and ago to the date

thats 252,547,200 seconds

thats 4,209,120 minutes

thats 70,152 hours

thats 413 weeks (rounded down)

I can't believe my babies are growing up without me...and they are no longer 3 and 2 as they were today 8 yrs ago...its unbelieveable how long it has been...I miss you every waking hour of my life and ache to hear your laughs, feel you hugging me, hearing you both say you love me...I watch the DVD home videos of you both and want to just reach into the tv and hold you one last time...but I can't...and that is something I have to come to terms with every waking hour of my life...

I am surviving, I am not sure how I am but I am...and I am trying my best to keep myself together but its an every moment battle...losing you two were worst than losing my latest daughter who died...losing you two absolutely destroyed me...and for a short while I let it....I hope you understand when you come home to meet me that I did everything in my ability (cause this was a very debilitating experience I had ever experienced in my life) but I am so thankful that I got to spend the time I did with them or partly be apart of their lives.

I got to see and be apart of Rowshealls life 1250 days (March 29th 1999-Aug 29th 2002)

Thats 3 years 5 months, to the date

thats 108,000,000 seconds

thats 1,800,000 minutes

thats 30,000 hours

or 178 weeks (rounded down)

I got to see and be apart of Katelyn's life for 744 days (Aug 15th 2000-Aug 29th 2002)

thats 2 yrs, 14 days

thats 64,281,600 seconds

thats 1,071,360 minutes

thats 106 weeks (rounded down

I had custody of the girls and doing what I had to and made sure my kids needs were met which they were well taken care of....for

Rowsheall 743 days

thats 2 yrs 12 days

thats 64,195,200 seconds

thats 1,069,920 minutes

thats 17,832 hours

thats 106 weeks (Rounded down)

Katelyne 238 days

thats 7 months 26 days

thats 20,563,200 seconds

thats 342,720 minutes

thats 34 weeks

and by the time I got to visit with the girls Katelyn didn't even recognize me and cried for her mom the full hour visitation who was right in front of her...which really deeply broke my heart into a million billion zillion infinity pieces...

Well baby's I miss you terribly bad...and I love you so very much and I can't wait to see you again someday hopefully sooner than later...I really am doing good...just miss you alot and try not to let it get to me too bad cause I hold the thought that you will someday come and find me and if its till your 18th birthdays

Rowsheall will come home in 2405 days, thats 6 yrs, 7 months, and 1 day

Thats 207,792,000 seconds

thats 3,463, 200 minutes

thats 57,720 hours

343 weeks (rounded down)

Katelyn will come home in 2909 days

thats 7 yrs, 11 months, and 18 days

thats 251,337,600 seconds

thats 4,188,960 minutes

thats 69,816 hours

thats 415 weeks (rounded down)

thats not as long as I have been without you two...so I can do this...I don't want to but I have to...it kills me...but I do what I have to....

How fun to know all the calculations of our lives and how soon we will see each other again...I am so excited! I can't wait but have to ya know what I mean!

I love you so very much and miss you two so very much...

Sincerely,

your loving birth mother

Rabeka Jo (F) D (DOB 5/1980)

Hey baby girls I miss you so much and think of you often. Your dad Johnny and I have found a house that is 6 bedroom 2 bath and are hopefully moving in May 5th...I am so excited! We will have three extra bedrooms one for a daughter we plan to adopt in the future...and then two extra rooms for my craft room and Johnny's man stuff...but easily we can convert our extra rooms into your bed rooms when and if you do come home...I am so ready for that...and I hope you do want to come stay with us if not only for the weekends or vacation leaves from school like summer break or spring break or winter break or whatever....I would love to have my baby girls home with me finally!

I am so excited I am packing my things and making sure I pack all the things I am keeping to show you girls from when you girls were with me...they arn't much but I have fond memories with them...anyway, I love you I need to get some rest as your youngest brother Jack needs to go to a dentist to have a consult about getting his cavities filled...then off to pack some more :-) I haven't moved since I was 6 years old accept the temporary moves between my moms house and your dad's house Rowsheall...I never really lived lived with Katelyn's dad Raymond, he really didn't have the room for me and you Rowsheall...and then after I had Katelyn I had no clue that she was his...but others thought so...I argued...but now I know the truth...Anyway, I hope I didn't disappoint you girls too much with the choice of fathers I ended up with...I just know I never regretted having either one of you...I sometimes wish you hadn't been so close in age at times 17 months apart is awful close but I found even with 21 months between your brothers its just as hard if not harder...so there really isn't a right or wrong spacing between kids...I just hope that what I thought would happen with you girls is that when you get older you become each others best friends :-) because of you being so close in age I hope it happens sooner for you girls if it hasn't already happened...I know for a fact that there are probably arguments and jealousy fuming around you girls but I hope you stick together in the end...

Anyway I hope you both are doing well and are happy and healthy and smart and everything you wanna be...I love you girls so very much and I won't stop loving or thinking about you girls even when I don't post on this blog...I figure it this much...if I did post everyday I thought about you girls you would have a whole bunch of reading this way you girls will only have limited reading material to sift through and things would work out better that way and I could just talk to you girls about things to your face when that day comes :-)

I love you so very much! I can't say it enough cause I do!

I will talk to you girls Later and hopefully by that time I will have the place all set up in our new home and settled down...

My 30th birthday is coming up this May...I am feeling so old ha ha...but know I am not. And your Dad Johnny is going to be 40 in June...yep going over the hill...but he is fit for his age and he takes good care of himself...Anyway I will talk to you girls later I love you good night.

Sincerely,

Your loving Birth Mother,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

DOB May 1980

Happy 11th Birthday sweetheart! I hope you had a wonderful day I thought about you all day long and missed out on your celebration another year...but know when the time is right we will be back together and things will turn out better for us in the end...I love you so very much and miss you every waking hour...and think about you and your sister constantly...

I will write an update after this so you know whats up with your momma and family awaiting to meet you.

I pray that you know I love you and know I am here opened armed when you finally do get to come seek me out...and I look forward to that day and hope its sooner than later :-)

Sincerely,

Your loving Birthmother,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

(dob May 1980)

Dear Katelyn, Your father's name is Kenneth Ray Fairchild he lives in Heston I believe at the moment I will keep in touch with him for easy communication with him when you come to find me...I just wanted you to know his full name so you know it for your family tree. Dear Rowsheall, Your father is Bruce Elmore Hetzel he still lives in Wichita at the moment and I will NOT be staying in communication with him, but maybe every now and then your paternal grandmother Romona Darlene Hetzel (or Darlene Romona Hetzel I cant ever remember which order it went cause she goes by Romona and other times she goes by Darlene) So anyway. I will get you in touch with her when you come find me and she can get you in touch with your dad. I am sorry I just cannot be in contact with Bruce, he was aweful to me and just seeing him on the street fills me with so much anxiety and fear its unbelievable. And for that I am sorry. I didn't pick a better man to be your father. I love you and I hope you understand I was young and dumb and didn't think it was going to get worse but get better...something I hope you learn from me...that you cannot change a man and his ways, especially if it makes you feel so horrible about yourself it will only get worse in the end. Dear Rowsheal and Katelyn, I am hopeful to get in touch with your parents for pictures at least...and I hope you guys don't mind if I get squared away with my emotional state and get things in line for me and my husband to adopt a little girl...I hope you understand my moving on and having the two brothers of yours and your sister who passed away...and I hope that you know its not to replace you but help me through your absence in my life. I love you both unconditionally and that will NEVER change. I miss you both so very much every waking hour and moment...and think about you just as often. I can't wait til the day comes when you come home to me so I can hold you girls in my arms again. Sincerely, Your loving biological mother, Rabeka Jo (F) D

Today I stopped by your grandmother Romona Hetzel's and visited with her a little. Caught up on things, and found out that Katelyn is not Bruce's daughter but Raymond Fairchild's I need to get in touch with him, though now it wouldn't do much good but bring sorrow to his heart to know that you were taken from him without knowing all these years...and not be able to do anything about it...but I feel he should know...Just so when you come find me and I send you in his direction he wont be in too big of shock. I learned that you two visited with her unofficially on occasions...which was sweet of the foster mom to put that together for you girls. She really does love you, and misses you both dearly I hope she is still around when you come around so you can go find her as well...both foster mom and grandma, since she is the only grandma you have left thats biological at least. I miss you guys so much I think thats why I went to visit with her to see if maybe just maybe she had more recent pictures of you girls but she doesn't. She was more sweet to me than she ever has been...so that was a nice welcoming. I don't know how I would of taken a rejection from her after my mom died...Im not doing too great after that, and the one year anniversary to Josephine's birth and death your baby sister. I just want my mom and can't have her so its really effecting me. I know it has probably (at least I hope but don't hope cause its aweful feeling not being able to be with me) been hard on you in the same way as you being away from me. I know that kind of sounds selfish, but I just hope you girls don't forget how much I love you and what all I did to get you girls back home with me and failed. I am really missing you girls a whole lot lately, and I hope to find the noterize form I have to fill out and get noterized and sent to topeka to get that communications opened with your parents you have now and hopefully get those pictures of you guys soon. I know I say this often but I really want to do it this time and I will just give a link to this site for them to read if they feel they are ready to read the truth of the matter, and find out how loving and caring I truely am. And that I havn't forgotten you guys. I know I don't write much, but it don't mean I don't think of you both only this often as I write on here...cause if I did that, it would definately be overwhelming for you girls to read when you do find it, as it is overwhelming as it is right now and there are a few more years to squeeze onto this board before your old enough to find me and be introduced to it...or for you to know how to search for your birth names. I love you girls so much, I am going to let you go for now, I need to run to the walmart and find some soybean/glycol free shampoo, conditioner, lotion, and body wash since I found I am allergic to soybean I have noticed that glycol is soybean based and I have been and always have reacted to shampoo and conditioner as well as bodywash and lotions, and I had no idea why I was itchy but now I know...this is going to be a several hour task I am sure. Talk to you girls, later I love you so very much and miss you constantly. Sincerely, Your loving birth mom, Rabeka Jo (F) D

Dear Rowsheall,

Wow your 10? How time flys and to think we only have 8 more years til your old enough to come find me and find out I love you more than anything I just can't wait!

Well sorry I have an update that isn't happy. Not sure if I posted about it yet. But you Grandmother Sally died Jan. 19, 2009. She loved you two girls so much and it hurt me that she didn't get to see you before she left this world. But we all will be gathered someday and will know eachother, and that day will be glorious.

Anyway, I hope you have a happy birthday sweetheart I miss you so much...and love you so much...I do think of you often and I always promise to write more on here but I get busy with life and stuff I have been doing a fund raiser to raise money for Congenital Heart Defect research through childrens heart foundation web site...and so far I have $150.50 so I am excited! I been doing lives shows on blogtv as froginmythroat and trying to raise money that way and its been going pretty good just not as quick as I thought it would.

Anyway, I will talk to you later sweetheart and look forward in seeing you again someday hopefully sooner than later.

Sincerely,

Your Loving Birth Mother,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

P.S. Katelyn I love you so much and miss you so much too sweetheart and can't wait to see you both sooner than later.

Dear Rowsheall Kailyn, Today I got to sing happy birthday to someone, my friends son's birthday was yesterday but we had a birthday party today. I miss you so much and wish I could see you today, or anyday for that matter. Every birthday you and your sister have, and every holiday that I really miss you guys on, I get your home video's out and watch them, I finally got them on DVD and plan to send them to your parents soon with a request for pictures. I have some news, I am pregnant again, due Sept. 12th, 2008. We are hoping its a girl this time so I can have one girl at home with me. I hope it helps with the loss of you two. I hope you had a great birthday and got everything you were hoping to get, and were surrounded by your loving family on your special day. I thought about and prayed for you and your sister all day today as I do everyday, even though I don't post I am thinking about you on here everyday, does not mean I don't cause I do, I don't think there is a passing moment without you two on my mind and heart. So I wanted to wish you a happy birthday and tell you my good news, and tell you I love you and miss you sooooooooo very much and my heart aches with your absence, I thought with each passing year it would become easier but its just not that way. I still cry throughout the day on and off, I still want to hold you one more time in my loving arms, and I want you both to be here with me full time. But you are where you are for reasons unknown to me, and you. But someday God will tell us our purpose for being apart for so long and we will fully understand His true plan for us. I love you and miss you very much and hope to see you sometime soon. Sincerely, your loving birthmother, Rabeka Jo D (F)

Happy 8TH Birthday Rowsheall!!! I miss you so much! I love you very much! I think about you all the time! I know it don't show on this blog but I really truthfully do. I watched the video of you on your 3RD Birthday party. I got you a bike, remember? And that Robot Dog remember that? And the Doctors kit remember how I wrapped all the pieces into separate wrappings to make it seem like you had more presents than not? I thought at the time the more presents I got you the more you would know I loved you. But in reality when you were opening all those, it was rather overwhelming and I am sorry for that, I just wanted you to feel like you had tons of presents from your mommy who loves you so very much. I really miss you, I can't picture you 8 years old now! Wow you must be getting so big! I hope you had a good birthday today and got all the presents you were wanting. I will be writing to your new mommy and daddy soon so I can at least see pictures of you and your sister Katelyn. If not more, I would love more, but I feel your parents won't think I deserve anything more than pictures. So once I write it will open the door to communication and they can find out that I do deserve more and will allow me to receive more. Maybe even be able to communicate with you when you decide you want to start writing me. I keep seeing girls your age, and think to myself no there is no way you could be that big and that mature! You are still Three years old in my mind, but you have to be that big and mature cause you can't stay 3 forever. I hope you are doing well in school and being nice to your sister and nice family I know God Blessed you with. I hope they are as good as I wish I could have been if I would have won the court hearings, and got the chance to prove that I would be fine if you just came home to me. But that didn't happen and I am sorry that I couldn't fight harder, I really shouldn't say that cause I tried as hard as I possibly could physically try. I hope you do understand when the day comes to share this blog with you. I have some bad news for you not meaning to ruin your birthday, but you should know. Your grandmother Sally F has been diagnosed with Skin cancer stage 3 and also she has Breast cancer again in the same side she had removed. I am not sure if she will be around by the time you do come home to be with me, but I will do my best to keep her strong and fight to see you again. She misses you both so very much! Life has been so very hard here lately and I have had hardly anytime to do much with this blog, and I am so sorry. I will write all the blog entries in your journal I am writing for you and your sister. All that are on here, and all that are on other blogs I am more active on, so you know that I did at least think of you that day cause I noted it in my blog entry. I love you so very much and I hope Grandma is around when you come home finally. I cannot promise anything though, it is in God's hands after all. And we are living in His time not ours. Your brothers are ornery as ever, but getting better. I still have yet to request help from super nanny, so maybe you will see me on that show someday. I just am waiting till I seriously cannot handle it anymore. I do need help, but its hard to get it when everyone is so busy around me. Anyway I hope you had a wonderful Birthday! I miss you! I love you! I can't wait to see you again! Sincerely, Your loving Birth Mother, Rabeka Jo D (dob 5-1980)

Rowsheall in the ball pit on her 3rd birthday party

Rowsheall my little head banger

Rowsheall at the baby shower

Rowsheall four months old

Rowsheall on her 3rd birthday saying I love you in sign language

Rowsheall and great grandma Delphine and great aunt Jeanee

Rowsheall with chucky cheese she didnt know what to think of him