Happy 19th Rowsheall Kailyn!

Dear Rowsheall Kailyn,
You turn 19 today (Ok I'm early it's the 29th you turn 19 lol I read the date wrong) :) and when Katelyn turns 18 on August 15th you will be able to come and find me and end this hide and seek game the courts forced us to play back on Aug 29th, 2002 when I last seen your smiling faces. I am so sorry I believed the workers that were on our case that I had everything done and that I was getting you girls back. And relaxed in that reassurance only to be told total opposite in court to the judge. I'm also sorry I listened to my court appointed lawyer that we were looking good and didn't need my character witnesses and that if we brought them in it would of hurt our case. I am thankful for the family who took you in as your own and gave you both the life I couldn't provide as I was poor. You were conceived in my womb but also in the hearts of your adoptive parents <3 I have prayed you were happy and raised better than I could ever do. I know in my heart you were. For that I'm thankful.
Mommy Becky is here waiting with her arms opened ready to hold you in her loving arms again.
See you soon baby girl!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D

Happy 18th birthday Rowsheall Kailyn

Dear Rowsheall,
The day is finally here. The game of hide and seek can end today. (That's what I told you on our last visit). I'm here in the same house open armed and got memory box and pictures and DVD of our home videos of the supervised visits (minus the last visit because the supervisor screwed up the camera grr) anyways baby girl I was in labor all day the 28th started getting real about 1:00amish so went to the hospital they sent me home around 1:30am  because I wasn't making progress was still at a 3 came back half an hour later I was a 7 then at 2:16am had you. Glad I got back in time. Anyways.
Thankful you were adopted quickly after the last visitation that was Aug 29, 2002. And I look at the adoption as you were concieved not only in my womb but also in the hearts of the parents who raised you.
I'm super excited to see you...Well meet you and see what a beautiful woman you are today. I was born at 1:08am and you were born at 2:16am so X2 :) how I remember, you're the only one I remember the time for, I have to look up everyone else's :) anyways. I hope you have a great birthday today and I hope I'm included in your celebration as I can hardly contain my excitement to finally be able to hug you and hold you again.
If you wanna wait until Katelyn turns 18 and you both can come find me I understand that I will still be waiting how ever long you wanna wait but I hope not too long after Katelyn turns 18. Idk if I can wait much longer after that. It's been a long 14 years 7 months since I last held you, heard you laugh, heard your voice, kissed you, hugged you, sung you are my sunshine, and fought back tears because my heart was breaking in a million pieces and I didn't want our visit to end early. I'm sorry I failed you. But I hope it was for your best. God had his hand on where you ended up. I feel it. Even if the devil won the court system and made it fail us and destroyed me and our family. I'm still here looking forward in meeting you. You all are why I keep going. I keep fighting the depression and fibromyalgia and whatever else that is going on with my health the doctor doesn't know keeps sending me places I had L5S1 fusion surgery. Now I get to see a rheumatologist about the elevated inflammation levels. Hopefully I can walk away with better answers as to why I hurt so bad physically and have a better pain management plan in place and can function better in my day. I will keep fighting the good fight no matter how much I wanna just quit. You will come find me either today or someday soon and I will be waiting with my arms opened wide. I had Torticolis outbreak this morning so pardon my neck brace if you do come today.
I love you and miss you so much I can't hardly contain myself!

Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
D.O.B. 5-1980

P.s. my husband bought my mom's house which is why I'm in the same house as when you two were robbed from me April 10, 2001 ironically your due date.

Happy birthday Rowsheall

I thought of you all month...I missed River Lyrics birthday too. I'm sorry, I feel as if I'm a broken record in my messages so I've been discouraged from writing and I'm sorry...I do love you and your sister Katelyn so much, I think of you both very often...and its hard for me. I finally found the info to send a letter requesting pictures of you girls. I'm just going to do it...if rejected I guess life will have no other choice but to move on. Hope it doesn't hurt so bad.
Hope it will be granted...I can't stand and haven't been able to stand not being able to see you grown through the years.
Anyway happy birthday sweet baby I hope it was best and you got everything you wanted xoxo. I miss you. I will talk more later...
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Your loving birth mother awaiting your return home to my loving arms xoxo

Happy 15th birthday Rowsheall

Three more years until your old enough to come and find me! I'm do excited I can't believe it's that close! I am still pregnant with baby girl who is due April 12. I keep having random strong contractions she could still come today or any other day. I sorta don't want to have her share your birthday but kinda think it would be neat. Anyway I will write more when I get time we are trying to ready the house for baby girls arrival and got things to do today but I will write more later. I can't picture you 15 and idk what you are into at this age. I miss you so very much and think of you and your sister every waking hour of every single day. I love you so much! I will talk to you later xoxoxo

Sincerely,

Your loving birthmother

Rabeka Jo (F) D dob 5/1980

P.s. I wrote this on your birthday it didn't post I just realized it I did think about you and wrote to you 

Happy Easter baby girls!

Dear girls,

Hope you have a blessed Easter and get to celebrate our savior's resurrection and know the reason for the season is because we all who have fallen short to the glory of God are saved. Xoxo

I hope you enjoy a good Easter egg hunt and are enjoying getting dressed up for this wonderful day. Wonder if you're using make-up by now or not, wonder what you're doing today...going to church? Getting together with family for a feast and festivities? I sure hope you are very happy in your situation, whatever it is.

Love you and miss you both very much and I wish you were here with me your brothers and sister xoxo

Talk to you later,

Sincerely,

Your loving birthmother,

Rabeka Jo (F) D (d.o.b. 05-1980)

Evangeline in her Easter shirt that is size 0-3 months and is too big lol

Mommy and Evangeline 

Dylan and Evangeline 

Jack opening his eggs from the egg hunt we went to yesterday

Happy new year baby girls! Mommy misses you!

Hope you got to stay up late and bang pots and pans to ring in the New Years like me and the boys did. Also put together a puzzle like we always did for as long as I can remember (my mom, me, my sister, and sometimes our two cousins). I picked an angel shaped puzzle with tiny angels all over. It's a gorgeous puzzle but very difficult. But I had fun doing it.

Anyways, love you both so very much here is to a blessed year for us all and I pray we get to be apart of each others lives soon! I miss you so very much it hurts so bad! I will say this until the day I die, losing you two girls is and will always be my hardest loss I've faced in my whole life. Josie your sisters death, River Lyric your brother who was still born, and your grandma Sally's death after a long fight against breast and skin cancer. I cry as if I lost you yesterday when I speak of our wrongful ruling. When I tell my side of the story, I know people think I had to of done something wrong to have you both removed and adopted out to strangers to me. But I really seriously don't see or feel I did anything to deserve this horrible loss. I really don't think removing children from their homes is a solution to any problem. I think they should house the whole unit in a facility or move in a supervisor into the home of the family. Cameras or human being. Help "preserve the family unit" as they are supposed to be doing, but failed to do that for us as a family unit. Grass was greener on the other side of the fence, sure I was scraping by, but you both were fed, clothed, and had a roof over your head. My best wasn't good enough. I starved so you could eat at times when money got really tight. I hope and pray you understand my side of the story, and never doubt me and how I seen the whole case unfold and destroyed my life.

Anyway,

Love you both so much and your brothers, dad (Johnny my husband), and I can't wait to meet you!

I miss you so very much! 

Talk to later,

With love,

Your loving biological mother who is waiting with her arms wide open for your return home,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

To my Sweet 14 year old daughter

Dear Rowsheall Kailyn,
Mommy keeps writing the same things over and over again on how much I miss you dearly and how much I love you so very much...but the pain still aches to see your face and touch you and hold you once more...it hurts so bad...I cry just thinking about our reunion in four years maybe five depending on if you wait until your sister is old enough...which I understand if you do decide to wait for her to be able to also see me and let me hold her also...I hope you had a wonderful Birthday yesterday...sorry I didn't write that day but I thought of you throughout the day and day dreamed of you being surrounded by all your loving family and friends maybe even a sleep over with your best friend or two...I wish I could have been there for you...I can't imagine you being 14 (same things I say every year I know but I really can't imagine you being any older than 3 when I last saw you)...I wish I could see you now but I know that isn't possible...especially now that laws changed when we got a new government runner person...they screwed me just as the system that took you screwed me...I called Lori she told me I could send stuff to someone in town and they would send it to Topeka and put it in a file for you when you turn 18 and come searching for me...thats all I can do...I will send this blog info to that folder and if I have the time and money to print this entire blog off and send it I will but it maybe more difficult than I think...because I lack that motivation to do all that with the doubt that comes to mind when I think of you turning 18 and don't come looking for me which I know is a possibility but I can only hope and keep dreaming that you do seek me out like I told you could once you turned 18...we counted stuffed animals to 18 on Aug 29, 2002 on our last visit...you were very confused about what I meant and I am not sure how long it took you to realize you wouldn't be able to see me again until your 18...I hope you don't hate me...I hope you have the good day dreams I have where your happy, healthy and have everything your heart desires...

The boys Dylan and Jack your brothers are very excited to see you in 4 years...they are sad that they won't be able to before hand in pictures or whatever the adoptive parents would allow you to be involved in our lives...heart breaking really...they definitely don't make my life very easy sometimes because they want so badly to see you both they cry and make me cry too and we cry together...

I called Lori Chandler through SRS the lady who handled our case...she checked for loops for me to be able to get pictures of you girls but there were none...they changed everything...so I am stuck not knowing what you look like or who you have become or what you like or anything until you come find me and bless our lives with us being able to finally know you and be there for you...

Anyway, I hope your day was Blessed with everyone and everything your heart desires (sorry if I am the one you lacked today as being someone you wanted there for your birthday I would be there if I could baby) If I had the chance I would jump on the opportunity to come and be there for you I would in a heartbeat!

Love you so very much and miss you terribly bad....I can't wait I am about to count the days until your 18th birthday with paper rings (like you may have done in school) but 365x4 would be 1,540 rings and that is a bit long of a chain I will definitely will do one with one year to go and hope I can keep remembering to tear off each ring as days go by but I am sure with the eagerness of it all I will no doubt remember and wish I could tear more than one off to bring you closer to your 18th birthday so we can see each other again...I love you so much I will talk to you again later...

Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D

I called youthville and asked for pictures

Dear girls I finally broke down and called youthville and asked for pictures of you girls and possible contact fully up to your parents...that was on October 1st, 2012...on October 3rd youthville called back stating they couldn't find our case files so I gave them your birth dates...hoping to hear from them tomorrow with good news...if not I may call them again tomorrow...I keep praying they find our case and get ahold of your parents soon...so I can finally show the boys that your older than they are and so I can get pictures of katelyn to her dad who isn't doing so well with his lung cancer and his mom isn't doing well either...wish I had done this before my mom died so she could have seen you before she passed away...but I struggled with rejection still do struggle but I already let one dying relative of yours down...it's the least I can do for him since my ignorance caused him pain...I'm sorry I didn't know that they did a DNA test on you girls when you were in the system and thought nothing about their inquire about me being sure katelyn was Bruce's or not...if they would have said they found Bruce wasn't the father I would have told them his name and got him informed of the situation...but they didn't which was another way the system failed our family...
Anyways my hopes are up to get pictures if not more...and also would like to send pictures of your brothers and sister...and would like to share this blog with your parents and they can decide to share it with you or not when they feel you're ready to read it all...but mainly just hope to be able to watch you grow through pictures prior to now on through the years...I wouldn't mind contact or visitations...it's absolutely up to your parents how involved they want me to be in your lives...I love you both so very much and miss you tremendously as stated in all my posts thus far...the broke record will continue on with those statements until you are home with me again...of course you will be grown women by then and will no doubt be eager to be out on your own but I hope you get to know me before you head out into the great big world and life out there...
Love you bunches!
Hope to see your faces soon!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Ps. I'm sorry it took me so long to build up the nerve to inquire about pictures and I'm sorry I didn't pursue them back in 2003 but the person I talked to made it sound like it was impossible and a long process...then when I got word that I could write a letter to the parents I ended up writing ten page letters trying to justify why I deserve to watch you grow through pictures...which was stated in all details placed in the third post to this blog...so oldest posts third one up from the bottom...on this blog gives details as to how you girls were wrongfully taken from me...anyways praying God will ease my worries soon...and your faces are again present in my life again and from here on out...if that's all I get I will be blessed so if I end up with more...I would be very blessed and over flowing...love you ttyl