Rowsheall and Katelyn just keep thinking about you

Dearest girls,

I just can't stop thinking about you girls and how excited I my husband (your step dad) and your brothers are to finally get to see you again...hoping sooner than later...I want you both to know, every wish I've been able to wish be it shooting stars, first stars, or even birthday candles, oh and also when my necklace gets the latch down by the heart charm I make wishes too, and eye lashes found on cheek then make a wish the blow off my finger, all those wishes since we parted ways has always and will always be the same...that being "I wish to see my girls again holding them in my loving arms again finally".

I also pray to God every chance I get to watch over you, and guide you on the right paths in life and back to my arms that long to hold you again...I miss you girls so much it hurts...I see two girls in public and often wonder if they are you two...one older dark haired blue eyes, and the other sandy blond with brown eyes...I hope you both are never going to rebel against your parents God sent to keep you safe and healthy and hopefully not too spoiled...spoiled is bad...your brothers are so spoiled it is getting harder and harder to manage them, I've finally got Dylan your older of the two bother into counseling, he has characteristics of ADHD and ODD and maybe autism or Aspergers...hopefully soon we will know what we are against and can learn how to better help manage him and help him with his even OCD tendencies...

Anyways just couldn't shake this need to tell you girls about what I've wished all these long nearly 11 years we've been apart...hope God is working hard in your lives...and I hope you remember me...and hope it doesn't hurt as bad as it does for me...

My legs have terrible pain doctors can't figure out...but are leaning towards somatic...just because they are running all the wrong tests...I am not a doctor but I'm pretty sure it's in my lower spine that's causing it all but they won't redo a MRI on my back...the last one was taken when the symptoms started I thought the pain was bad then...wow now it's much worse and my muscles are shrinking in my calves...which they took a muscle biopsy and found nothing...next thing the rheumatologist suggested was lower back issues...but doctor only wants to put me on antidepressants...I can't take those...I've always had trouble one way or another with them...so I'm on gabapentin, norco, Valium, and naproxen...it takes the edge off mainly...and allows me to function during the day, and sleep at night...and that's sad to me...I rather not have to take pills to function, I rather find the problem and fix it. Doctors only want to treat the symptoms but antidepressants can't fix circumstances that's why they don't work for me...I seriously thought about doing electroshock therapy since it gives you amnesia and I would forget everything in my life and move forward...but I don't want to forget you girls even if your being gone was the worst loss I've faced thus far...your grandma Sally and your sister and brother who died were easier than losing you girls by far...and if I lose your brothers (which I'm in constant fear because all it takes is a stranger to make up some off the wall story about me and them and my husband and bam they are taken too)...that would put me down for the count if that ever happened to me again...I couldn't live through that ever again...it brings me to tears just thinking about it...I would shut down and do nothing with myself for the rest of my life...they are the only reason I'm still alive them and Johnny your step dad...if it weren't for him I'd probably have drank myself to death or who knows what would of came of me...I had lost everything when I lost you girls...I had nothing to live for anymore and prayed for some stranger to take me out into the country and kill me and put me out of my misery...losing you both like I said was the worst loss in my life and will remain that way until the day I die...

Anyways baby girls,

Mommy Beky loves you so much!

I guess you might spell it mommy Becky, 

I love you (arms stretched out to infinity) THIS much big squeezing hugs...xoxoxo see you soon I hope...

Sincerely,

Your loving birth mother,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

D.o.b. 5/1980

Ps. I don't know if I updated you on my quest for opening communication with your parents or not but I talked to Lori Chandler who was our srs worker who told me you were coming home that I had everything done but didn't have either...anyways she said laws changed and that's not an option anymore...so I can't request pictures of you and that really has sent me into a major depression, what I can do is write to you and have the workers put it in a folder you will have access to when you come to age...I may just lead you to this blog or figure out a way to print it in a book from oldest post to newest posts...I should have opened the communication back in 2003 when I had the chance...but like I've said before I just couldn't write a short letter I felt I had to justify why I deserved to have open communication and that was ten pages long front and back and I had too many editors around me who had conflicting opinions on what I wrote...so I never did and I'm very sorry for that...after I lost your sister and brother and grandma between...I knew I only had you girls and your brothers and that's all I will ever have...and I wanted pictures more than ever because it was hard for me to picture you older than 3 and 2 as you were when I last seen you...you are now 14 and nearly 13 and that's just beyond my imagination...I am sure you both are beautiful like me your mother, but still wonder what characteristics you both have etc. it's so hard on me not knowing anything about you and even if you are alive and healthy...and that eats at me every waking hour of every single day...I wish I could see your smiling faces, I wish I could hold you both in my loving arms tomorrow...but truth hurts and reality hurts and here I sit waiting four more years for Rowsheall and five more for Katelyn to become 18...then who knows if you even want to seek me out or not you may resent me you may hate me and think I gave up...but truth is I was lied to and tricked and you were stollen from my loving arms...I did all I knew to do...and as fast as I could and it wasn't good enough and I struggle today to do anything because I'm afraid things won't be good enough...I walked away slouched down low hyperventilating in grief...saying forgive them Father for they know not what they do...quoted our heavenly savior Jesus Christ...because they didn't know the pain stricken life they causes me to have...all the courts papers display me as an addict, as a mother who didn't want my kids, as a poor excuse for a human being...and that's how I've felt all these years..as a poor excuse for a human being...I really feel guilty when I have fun, laugh, enjoy things, because maybe your living a horrible life...I just don't know...and that right there isn't fair to me or my family...I'm trying so hard to move on because I can't change the past...but I still can't move forward I'm stuck...I pray so hard you have a better life than you could of had here with me...but still wonder if because I'm not there you're miserable like I am so I stay stuck miserable...I hope to be able to stop feeling guilty and just live my life and be happy for once 11 years is far too long and such a waist of a life...I have to move forward and get happy and be better emotionally and maybe somatic pain as doctor thinks it is will vanish and I can get off these meds I hate taking...but have to so I can function...I would stay in bed and sleep through the pain without them...and that wouldn't be living....so I'm going to let you go and move forward in my last four to five years and hope and pray things are wonderful on your end...and live my life finally...I will still write to you on birthdays holidays and when I feel I need to write you like this time...oh I hope you had a fun and safe Fourth of July and got to see beautiful fireworks and enjoy a cookout or something special with your loving family...it's just hard I guess imagining you having fun with strangers to me and I not being apart of it and that being ok I guess that's my struggle...it's ok if you are and I want that so bad for you but wonder if you feel same as I...guilty because we are apart...I just don't know and may never know because you may not feel the need to seek me out...we counted 18 stuffed animals so maybe you would understand Rowsheall how many years old you would need to be to be able to come find me...but when we said our final goodbyes you wanted to go with me, I said you can't because the judge said you had to go live with another family...then you said see you next week...like you always did when we left our visitations and I had to correct you and say no baby I'm sorry I won't see you until you're 18 because the judge said so...but I really don't think you grasped that concept still...I really am sorry I failed you two...I wish I could have had a second chance to do it all over again and make damn sure I had everything done especially the things I didn't know about....and did it faster than I did...but I couldn't have and I know that...because my money was little and the fees for classes etc were high...and I did everything I could do to pay the fees as fast as I could and yeah there really wasn't anything I could of done differently accept maybe not let Tiffany Christ-Griffin watch you girls for me and my mom when my mom got sick with the flu and we didn't want to get you two sick...I should of just moved us upstairs for awhile in the apartment and figured out how to manage you two together on my own and just winged it...that was my biggest mistake trusting her and Cindy Phalin-Kratz (I really don't know how to spell their names) and I shouldn't have went into the mental hospital that was another huge mistake...then I wouldn't have reconnected with Cindy who was the reason for my mental whorl wind that made me look like a meth and marijuana addict...anyways I'm sorry I needed help and couldn't figure out how to take care of you at age twenty...suddenly single...left abusive  relationship with Bruce Hetzel...mental then ended in physical because I slapped him...but him yelling crazy things in my face then shoving me back down into the chair he deserved to be slapped...I didn't deserve to be yelled at, I didn't deserve to be choke slammed against the wall, nor the second instance same scenario that ended with him slapping me back three times, grabbed me by my shirt and shook me violently enough to bruise my chest saying is this what I wanted then this is what I got and then slapped in the stomach to try and miscarry Katelyn knocking the wind out of me...no I didn't deserve any of that...nor did I deserve to be told I did something wrong every time I did something for the house or him or Rowsheall...and much more than that including rape...and other things...no I didn't deserve that...especially since I never done most of the things before and didn't know how...because I was 17 when I met him a 32 year old man...I was a child...I hope and pray you don't make my mistakes...dropping out of high school to prove I wasn't cheating on him and quitting my job for the same reasons...no I want better for you....I must go to bed but I had to tell you all this for some reason...I hope you understand my life was and still is hard but hope I can make these last four to five years better for me and my family I have now...and I hope you understand and are enjoying your life God chose for you to live...even if its without me...I love you dearly and can't wait to meet you soon...talk to you later

to yall

https://youtu.be/pojL_35QlSI listen to the lyrics and again fuck you

Dear both girls

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn,
I am sorry for nearly giving up on life. I'm in counseling now and going through a program that will help me get on track called ontrak and I'm excited. Hopefully by the time you come home to meet me I will be rid of my deep depression and have my fibromyalgia more controlled that is if that's possible.
I am still here, just going through motions but I am breathing still. I am going to get through this and come out on top I hope at least.
Just wanted to let you know I ain't going to end my life anymore nor run away. I'm fighting the good fight.
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother
Rabeka Jo (F) D

Happy late thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving baby girls! I hope you were surrounded by your family and had a very good Thanksgiving feast. We had my husbands parents and great grandpa and nephew Jordan over and though short and sweet visit...I felt it lacked so much more than words can describe...I am so very thankful that Rowsheall turns 18 in end of March and can come find me :) of course I understand if you all wanna wait until Katelyn turns in Aug 2018 to come so both y'all can come meet me...but I do hope to see you soon!
I had my surgery on my back July 22, 2016 and so far doctors still don't want to treat my pain. I am fine until I bend over...about to just stop taking all meds and be done with the control over my life...meaning doctors holding control over my relief...which is frustrating to no end...I am frustrated and stressed...J your 11 yr old brother broke his arm your 2 yr old sister had to have caps put on her teeth because the tooth paste you get for toddlers is just full of candy...ugh...so anyways been a rough month for us all...we are nearing bankruptcy so taxes can't come any sooner for us...and depression in my life is peaked...I can't even take a shower because motivation is just not there...cps was called on us again (2nd time since D was born and the initial inspection) this time because D been a bit challenging here lately...he turned 13 day after Thanksgiving so that explains a lot in its self...so that sent me for a whirl into depression...and still recuperating....feel like the cps is lurking outside my door ready to strike any moment...especially since they know now I have a 2 yr old girl...so...I am on edge...anyway I am thankful I have what I have and what I had...I cannot change the past...wish i could...I wouldn't have allowed that babysitter to watch you girls and pulled myself together and just did what I had to do...
Looking at my daughter I realize something I hate myself for with Rowsheall and I cannot get into details on here but for what it is worth I am so sorry and wish I had a better pediatrician who didn't tell me it was normal for some to have...that is all I am going to say...but I failed at realizing something that could have been handled differently and I am so sorry...wish I could change things...but I can't...
Anyways, I am doing okay considering the realization of things, and circumstances out of my control...I'm hanging in barely but I am trying to rise up above it all...just struggling but still here breathing...soon as you girls come home and I know you lived a great life I will hope to snap the rest the way out of this dark place and start to climb back up to the light...I miss you so much and love you more than you will ever know xoxo!
See you soon!
Love you and miss you bunches!
Sincerely,
Your loving waiting birth mother,
Rabeka Jo  (F) D
D.o.b. 5-1980

Dear Girls,

CPS has been called on me and I am stressed out...It is because of D your brother and his inability to mind me has frustrated me to no end and actually one episode left me hurt. I had back surgery on July 22, 2016 to fuse my L5S1 and he was being a bully to his brother like usual and I end up trying to record him and he wrestled my phone out of my hands to delete the video and I got hurt wrestling him down to the ground and I vented to the wrong person...they turned me in...CPS is supposed to be coming out to the house to talk to the boys and my husband...and then she is going to recommend services like counseling but that is about all...she claims nothing is wrong with my home...and I am having a hard time accepting what she says as truth because of what the workers involved with our case said one thing to my face then in court it was total opposite and I am so anxious and depressed and I can't even begin to imagine life without my kids like I have had to be without you girls...I miss you both so very much and I cannot wait until March when Rowsheall turns 18 and she can come find me!...I hope I am not a disappointment to you...and I hope we can create a bond that I missed out on building over the last several years...so sad without you girls...losing your brothers and sister will be the death of me...I pray they don't get taken and that the woman is actually telling the truth and won't back stab me like the workers in our families case....
What makes me mad is most people don't believe me about it. But I know why they don't believe...because that would put them and their families at risk of the same fate as our family....and I totally get that...and understand why people are skeptical about how our situation turned out...and what lead up to it all being finalized...cuz I had to of done something wrong to deserve such fate...

But I was just young dumb and believed people and trusted people...obviously I didn't learn...I vented to the wrong person and now here I am with a can of worms opened up on us and I can't handle it...

I seriously think postpartum hits me late...and that was what was going on when you girls ended up taken...and I reached out for help and it was my biggest mistake of my life...I never should have gotten help...I should of just kept trying...not admit defeat...that was my wrong I did was reach out for help...

Anyways, I love you girls with all my heart and I can't wait to hold you in my arms again....

Sincerely,
Your Loving Birth Mother,
Rabeka (F) D
dob 5-1980

Dearest daughters of mine

I have so much excitement I can't hardly stand it! March 29, 2017 and Aug 15, 2018 can't get here fast enough! I can't wait for you to meet your brothers and sister...and I pray I don't disappoint you...I feel worthless in this moment because of my L5S1 bulging and leaking fluid causing me unimaginable pain in my legs and back and butt...I called to set up the surgery to fix it I don't have a date yet...it may take them 4-6 weeks to get approval from my insurance before we can even get it scheduled then its going to be 4-6 weeks recovery time...so 2-4 months I should be healed enough to be able to ease myself back into activity and regain my life and start doing what I want to do...participate in life without pain medication...
I have ran into some stressful times and I don't understand it...and most my counseling I have done over the many years to fix my thoughts about how my children are extensions of my body and I have full control over them is slowly coming undone...I am having PTSD because the court papers remind me of the papers I received that defined what happened to lead to the worst day of my life...I have a paid lawyer this time...I am never going to court without one EVER again...but still feel anxiety and depression and shut down and cry for no reason out of the blue...and yeah PTSD full swing...
I would go into details about the situation but going to hold off on that until its over...because I don't think I can talk about it on a public blog until its done and over with...and even then I won't be able to say names and that is fine...I would rather not have their name on my blog...
Gosh I miss you girls so very much you must be so very big...I hope you all feel accepted and loved...
I fear I am failing with the boys...they are tweens (10 and 12 going to be 13 soon) and man such drama encircles them...I have way too much on my plate with just them and to add this other drama to my life 2nd go round with this court thing because first time was dismissed because the lady didn't even show up to court...she filed for a motion to modify the protection from stalking order and set aside the dismissal...wtfe that means...I am emotionally and physically distraught and can't stop crying and all I want to do is either sleep or cry....I was trying to have fun and play games and record myself  doing so and then yeah no can't do that now cuz I end up in tears...just out of no where for no reason....stupid...hate it...I can't make money I can't get audience...if I don't go live on twitch and play....and don't upload...but Dylan is very hateful towards me too and that makes me shut down also...I want to be big on youtube I want to make a living and enjoy my job....life just keeps knocking me down when I think I am at the top...and this whole court thing is just rekindling the horrible feelings I felt when I lost you girls...I miss you so very much and wish I could hold you and know all about your life you lived and see you grow through pictures...

Anyways I must go I keep crying and can't see the screen,
Sincerely,
your loving  birth mother,
Rabeka (F) D dob 5-1980
please contact me as soon as you can I can't stand to wait any longer than your 18th birthdays!

Dearest Girls,
I got the most precious most desired presents I could ever imagine today on my 36th birthday today! I am still in utter shock of the whole receiving and I keep looking through just in awe and disbelief its real....
I am so happy! I love you both so very much...I am going to have back surgery in the near future to have my L5S1 disc removed and fused together and after that is scheduled I will be down and out for 4-6 weeks after that...and hopefully after recovery I will experience NO pain and be able to live my life normally and even enjoy some activities I have always wanted to get into...I am horrified but at the same time I am excited because of the pain free possibility and pain pill dependency on normalcy will be a thing of the past is what I mostly am excited about...I don't like being on them...but I know I cannot function without them...the pain is far too great to manage on my own...God helped me through my last pregnancy miraculously but now I am worse than ever...and there is no other way to fix this other than pills or surgery...I don't want pills so I am agreeing to do the surgery...I love you both so very much and I hope to be fully recovered by the time you come and find me....I can't wait! I am so excited!
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Dob: 5/1980
your loving birth mother longing to hold you in my arms again xoxo

Discogram results

Dear Girls,

It is highly recommended that I have a Disc Fusion on my L5S1 I can schedule it at anytime. it has a 80% success rate...so pretty good outcomes...I still am in the air about deciding to do the surgery or not...I want to talk to someone who had it done and how well they can bend over to pick up things etc.
It seems my disc just isn't stable and won't heal on its own...even with steroid injections...I wanna wait a year just to see if I can take it easy and allow it to heal on its own...before I commit to such an invasive procedure...anyway...I love you girls...I don't want to be bed ridden when you finally come home to me...but I have to schedule this surgery 4-6 weeks out and then it takes me 4-6 weeks to heal and for the bones to fuse together...so two months to 3 months I will be waiting and then healing...I am not sure I want to do this or not...I know I don't want the spasms and I don't want the constant ache in my legs...but also don't want to have to go through such an invasive procedure gambling if it works well for me or not....
Anyway, thought I would update you on that...
Sincerely,
Your Loving Birth Mother
Rabeka Jo (dob 5-1980)

Today I go for discogram

This was wrote awhile back idk why it was saved as a draft...

Well girls sorry I haven't been writing but I don't feel like repeating myself anymore than I already have...I hope to see you next year Rowsheall and the year after Katelyn and its OK if you Rowsheall wanna wait for Katelyn to come of age to come find me together. I'm waiting with arms wide open.

So today I am going in for a discogram to see if what the doctors think is going on with the disc leaking fluid that is irritating the nerves down my legs causing the pain I am in...I'm nervous...but glad Dr Scott is doing it...he is very good at what he does...I nearly welcome paralysis if it means I no longer have to face the invisible pain no one believes exists and treat me like an addict...but I know I am not because I went through hell for months without meds hurting worse than ever...so anyway...I love you girls so very much and I can't wait to hold you in my loving arms...I miss you both so terribly bad...I'm about to rip the DVD of you girls and me and place them on YouTube so people can see you girls and maybe you can find it to find me...I love you girls so very very much and I cannot wait to see you and hold you again....I lost my aunt Carol recently and just the other day my uncle David Jon...so having a rough time on top of my physical pain but I've pulled through worse times so I can pull through these as well...I love you both so very much! Hope you are both happy and healthy and thriving...I miss you both so very much my body aches to hold you again.
Hope to see you both soon...xoxo
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F)
DOB 5-1980

I figured up how long it has been since we last seen eachother

Dear Both Girls,
It has been 12 years 11 months and 18 days since I last seen you girls. That is 4,735 days or 113,644 hours.
I have 1 year 7 months and 12 days until Rowsheall is 18 years old!
I have 2 years 11 months and 29 days until Katelyn is 18 years old!
I am in the home stretch for you girls to come home to me and I will hold you and kiss you and hug you and never want to let you go again! I am so excited!
Anyways I am so excited! I had to share my excitement!
Sincerely,
Your loving and eager birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
dob 5-1980

Happy Thanksgiving baby girls

As thanksgiving sneaks up on me...I been thinking about what I'm thankful for...first and foremost I'm glad I had you both and did not abort you and throw you away like a selfish young idiot most people the age I was do. I'm thankful for having all your brothers and sisters too (Dylan, Jack, and River your brothers and Josephine and Evangeline your sisters) I don't think anyone other than me could of handled losing Josephine and River like I did so I'm thankful God trusted me with them to carry out their lives they were written in his book for them to have...I'm very thankful I met and married Johnny...even if he is impatient and always has to get something out of everything which drives me bananas....I'm the giving kind of person...and he is the what do I get out of it? Nothing?! Forget it then...type and yeah so not like me...and I hate that but it is his hard earned money that goes into the gas tank and yeah money I would use to help others out...so I can't do many things I want but that's OK its his money...I'm thankful we were allowed to move back to my childhood home...I'm thankful that the renters we had living here tore things up not burnt the place down like they could have on many occasions (signs of cigarettes being left on shelves and stories of their family living in garage with space heaters smh....so could have happened and I'm so thankful God didn't allow it)....I'm thankful that we were able to fix it up with new flooring and carpet...I'm thankful my husband has a job...I'm thankful I have a sorta job of cleaning my neighbors house...I'm thankful we have my friend and her three kids living in the other house for the winter and they have someplace warm to be and the bills are in their name and are paying the bills...so thankful for that....thankful that we have just enough money to scrape by with our house payments and insurance and bills...thankful we have credit cards to cover the food bill each month...otherwise we would starve...thankful there is food stamps available for people like me but saddened that we probably don't qualify because we have the other house as a resource so instead of renting the house out for money to pay the house payment and insurance on the place...we get to starve if we didn't have our credit cards....thankful we can sell our other house in March and be done with the whole landlord piss-on scene....and stop being taken advantage of...thankful that many people say just holler when we need help to move our two car garage worth of stuff...now if we can swallow our pride and allow it...no one volunteered when asked on Facebook so I assumed no  wanted to help us even if they said hey I'm free next weekend (which I had one lady lined up to help and then she didn't answer her phone and disappeared off the face of the earth go figure) and yeah that would be appreciated....now its cold and going to get icy and snowy and yeah not going to happen...but I'm thankful there is no rush on getting the stuff moved....I'm thankful to be able to help my friend and her kids out...I'm thankful that karma will come back around and bless us...hopefully soon...Christmas is going to be slim pickings this year...probably won't qualify for assistance with that either...but we get Wic and we get free lunches...this is just dumb...
Anyway sorry I've got a lot on my mind...it was Dylans birthday today (11-25-14) he turned 11....its been 12 years since I seen you girls....I'm thankful that you can come and find me when you are 18 I wish you could sooner but stupid case worker Lori Chandler says there isn't anything I can do accept put things in a folder...so I'm trying to hand write this blog into a book to send in...to be honest I'm on the third post from oldest...and it hurts so bad to write (my hand doesn't write well anymore)...so I may see about printing the rest of the blog out (after I finish the third post) and then glue the pages into the book or something...make it super thick though...so idk...hope it won't...anyway that is my game plan and of course a link to this blog to see if I wrote more on it...which I probably will keep writing after I send the book...anyways...love you girls and miss you so very much! Wish you were here to celebrate Thanksgiving with us...an your family too would be very welcomed...I'm so lost without you girls...always have been...I sure hope you do come find me :-( I have health issues that make me hurt so bad still trying to figure out what it is that is going on...hopefully soon they will figure it out and I find relief and get my life back...anyway...I love you we are having my neighbor over for thanksgiving dinner and my husbands mom dad grandma uncle Chris I sure hope comes...Dalton our nephew maybe and maybe his ex girl and her two kids (his daughter her son)...idk no one said they didn't have no where to go for the dinner thing so I assume everyone has a place to be...anyway...I wish more would come...I'm not used to these small functions...my mom had four siblings and each had at least two kids so lots of cousins...anyway...I miss you both and my mom and sister Jami (Jami moved to Arkansas, Grandma Sally died)...I also miss my sister in laws (Lilly moved to Alabama and Melissa died)....but I'm sure thankful I got to know them all...and miss Faith our niece she moved to Alabama with her momma...anyways sorry just unloading my brain and broken heart so its not so heavy this thanksgiving day like it is every year and just more and more heavy as my life trudges on...
Talk to you later...love you both and miss you both so much that words cannot express how much I do...
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F) DOB 5-1980

Before I forget

I wanted to share with you my seven dwarfs explanation.
Rowsheall is grumpy because she always crossed her arms and pouted. Katelyn is happy because she was always happy to see me. Dylan is doc cuz he always seems to try and be the boss. Jack is dopey because he is the class clown and he's funny. Josephine was bashful because she never showed her face on sonogram . River was sleepy because he was born sleeping. And Evangeline she's sneezy because she's always sneezing.

So I have seven dwarves and I love you also very much. I am so excited because we are so close to you guys coming home. I hope to see you guys soon. I love you both very much! I will talk to you later love you bye for now.
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D dob 5-1980

We are moving again

Well we are moving back to the house I lived in since I was 6 yes old...and the house we lived in with grandma Sally and aunt Jami and great grandma Delphine...hopefully it will be easier to find me...
Our now ex friends/renters tore up the house so bad that we had to pour too much money into the house to just hand it over to different renters to tear up...so we are moving back...I'm excited cuz we got new floors throughout the house...and I plan to keep the place clutter free so we can have people over...tired of being hermits and not being able to have visitors because of embarrassment of the clutter...anyway...thought I would let you know...I love you and miss you bunches! Can't wait to see you!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F) dob 05*16*1980

Happy Easter baby girls!

Dear girls,

Hope you have a blessed Easter and get to celebrate our savior's resurrection and know the reason for the season is because we all who have fallen short to the glory of God are saved. Xoxo

I hope you enjoy a good Easter egg hunt and are enjoying getting dressed up for this wonderful day. Wonder if you're using make-up by now or not, wonder what you're doing today...going to church? Getting together with family for a feast and festivities? I sure hope you are very happy in your situation, whatever it is.

Love you and miss you both very much and I wish you were here with me your brothers and sister xoxo

Talk to you later,

Sincerely,

Your loving birthmother,

Rabeka Jo (F) D (d.o.b. 05-1980)

Evangeline in her Easter shirt that is size 0-3 months and is too big lol

Mommy and Evangeline 

Dylan and Evangeline 

Jack opening his eggs from the egg hunt we went to yesterday

Can't stop thinking bout you

I had a memory of Rowsheall on your second birthday when we were singing to you happy birthday and you sang along singing "happy to me happy to me" over and over. Precious child why didn't I see you for the blessing you were even if I was frustrated and sleep deprived and couldn't understand your inability to understand why leaving baby Katelyn alone to sleep was a good thing to do so mom and you could have one on one time...but why didn't anyone help me understand this was fine and this is how to cope with it...whatever that was....Katelyn you used to get this expression of eyebrows rise mouth in Oh shape whenever I came into view of you...this was prior to your removal and it was so hard on our first visit simply because I expected this excited baby girl to be excited to see me her mom and there you were crying for your mom the whole hour first visit and I was devastated...I'm sorry girls I let you down...now I'm unable to get pictures and hope you find me in three to four years not many more after that cuz I don't think I or your brothers can wait long after that...they can't wait until you come and rejoin our family in three years Rowsheall and you Katelyn in four years...they keep asking about you girls...I cry over you girls just as if it happened yesterday...you were and will always be my worst loss I've lost in my life and I will say that until the day I die.

I miss you both so terribly much! And cannot wait to see you again hopefully soon! Love you so much it hurts!

Ttyl

Sincerely,

Rabeka Jo F (D) your loving birth mother who is patiently waiting for your 18th birthdays Rowsheall march 2017 and Katelyn aug 2018 (my dob 5/1980) xoxoxo

Happy new year baby girls! Mommy misses you!

Hope you got to stay up late and bang pots and pans to ring in the New Years like me and the boys did. Also put together a puzzle like we always did for as long as I can remember (my mom, me, my sister, and sometimes our two cousins). I picked an angel shaped puzzle with tiny angels all over. It's a gorgeous puzzle but very difficult. But I had fun doing it.

Anyways, love you both so very much here is to a blessed year for us all and I pray we get to be apart of each others lives soon! I miss you so very much it hurts so bad! I will say this until the day I die, losing you two girls is and will always be my hardest loss I've faced in my whole life. Josie your sisters death, River Lyric your brother who was still born, and your grandma Sally's death after a long fight against breast and skin cancer. I cry as if I lost you yesterday when I speak of our wrongful ruling. When I tell my side of the story, I know people think I had to of done something wrong to have you both removed and adopted out to strangers to me. But I really seriously don't see or feel I did anything to deserve this horrible loss. I really don't think removing children from their homes is a solution to any problem. I think they should house the whole unit in a facility or move in a supervisor into the home of the family. Cameras or human being. Help "preserve the family unit" as they are supposed to be doing, but failed to do that for us as a family unit. Grass was greener on the other side of the fence, sure I was scraping by, but you both were fed, clothed, and had a roof over your head. My best wasn't good enough. I starved so you could eat at times when money got really tight. I hope and pray you understand my side of the story, and never doubt me and how I seen the whole case unfold and destroyed my life.

Anyway,

Love you both so much and your brothers, dad (Johnny my husband), and I can't wait to meet you!

I miss you so very much! 

Talk to later,

With love,

Your loving biological mother who is waiting with her arms wide open for your return home,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

Happy Easter Baby Girls

Dear Rowsheall Kailyn and Katelyn Marie,

Happy Easter baby Girls Mommy hopes you have a wonderful day today hunting eggs with your family and friends and eating a Easter Feast and maybe even going to church service and learning about the reason why we celebrate today...I can't believe it's our 11th Easter away from each other but it is...I hope all those Easters before was wonderful for you also...the boys are ready to hunt eggs in the morning...and then have a feast tomorrow with our family (Drew family) It will no doubt be empty without you girls, my mom Sally (your grandma), and Dylan and Jack's Aunt Melissa (I guess she is your aunt too because mommy is married to her brother) Anyway babies I hate to leave this short, I just wanted to drop a quick line to you both...Love you so very much miss you terribly bad...I can't wait to see you in 4/5 years maybe 6 I hope not too much longer after 6 if it has to be postponed...anyway...I love you both so very much! I can't wait really I can't...

Love you so much see you soon!

Sincerely,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

p.s. Mommy is having trouble with her legs hurting badly...they ruled out all muscle diseases by doing a biopsy on her leg muscle...everything is normal far as muscles go...so next I guess we go to a back specialist and see if it is related to my lower back being bent over and over again my legs do tend to get worse...anyway....in Sad news Katelyn's grandma on her Dad Kenneth Raymond Fairchild's side passed away awhile ago and it was sad because she never got to meet you just like your dad never met you because I was so sure that Bruce was your father and for that I can never forgive myself...and I don't expect anyone else to forgive me...anyway I love you both I hope your dad is still around Katelyn when you come find me so you can see him and get to know him also...he is a really nice guy and why I didn't stay with him I may never know...I guess I was meant to be with Johnny...even if I struggle with some of my pet peves day to day...I just take it one day at a time...least I can do with all I have done through our 10 year marriage...(this July 2013 will be 10 years)...Anyways talk to you later and see you soon! Love you both!

Youthville called :-(

This is my status update right now on Facebook...I copied and pasted it here so I could share without having to write all out to you...

Finally Youthville called me back...sorry Kenneth Ray Fairchild father of Katelyn they aren't able to help me get in contact with the adoptive parents...she referred me to dcf...they said no contact was established or maintained for ten years that maybe why they don't have my case file so they could help me...so I been barking up the wrong tree for how many months? Thinking they are off on a mission to find my case file...but nope...just avoided my phone call all this time! I need time to regroup after this heart wrenching disappointment...I thought she cared...I thought man they are digging deep for me and will call me any day...gosh I'm crying so bad...hate this horrible system...they screwed me out of my girls and they were the reason I got out of bed...without them I spent every waking hour at the bar then walked curb to curb at night...I'm surprised I was alive when my husband walked into my mothers house placing a bid on our house...I was heading out the door to go drink....my mom begged me to stay and meet this man bidding on the house...she stalled me long enough for me to meet him...and that was it...a perfect distraction to my pain I was facing....which safely I can honestly say hurts way way way way worse than losing a child to death...twice I went through that now remember?...worse than losing your rock foundation (your mother)...yes that was really hard...but I swear on my mothers grave having my girls taken was worse than those losses...even combined I don't think they would even begin to graze this pain I experienced when my girls...being told for fifteen months I was doing all I was supposed to be doing that I was definitely getting them back...then in court total back stab...I refused to do this or that, things taken way out of context held against me...they totally blind sided me but no one believes me because how could a system built to protect children steal children that would make their families at risk of having the same done to them...I the mother had to of done something to deserve this that I am not disclosing...nope I just trusted my Youthville team to help me get my girls back and they set me up...and I fell for all their back stabs...now I trust no one...wonder why...now this?! It took me ten years to wrack up enough balls to contact them for fear of rejection...ad here is my rejection day it came...I really don't know if I can handle much more of the pointing fingers...and rejection...this is the fear that prevented me from contacting anyone about this for ten years and I faced it and got exactly what I feared...rejection...I'm crying so hard! Its like I lost them all over again...

Update

Well girls...my health has gone weird...my whole right side is numb but its not a stroke...doctors dont know what is wrong with me...I'm pretty frustrated with that...still havent heard back from Youthville im really mad about that going to call again tomorrow and try to talk to a manager of the lady who is supposed to find you and see about getting pictures...right now I feel as if you both dont even exist...i never had you...but i know thats not true...i spent many nights being thrown up on by you both when you had the flu...and tried my best to raise you...but seemed I could never do anything right...still don't feel I can do anything right...your brothers are spoiled rotten brats...and Dylan can't control his actions and is always hurting Jack...and Jack always over reacts to Dylan's actions....glad winter break is over...
I hope you both had a wonderful blessed Christmas...we did pretty good this year...just as always hard on me...with Grandma Sally not here (in heaven) and your sister Josie and brother River too...now aunt Melissa you never met because she is my husbands sister also died...its just hard...

The hardest loss was losing you two girls hands down...I still get teary when I talk about how you were robbed from me who wanted to learn how to raise you and do it right...still want to learn for your brothers...but this depression from losing you girls has gotten the best of me and Dylan keeps mouthing back to me...and idk what to do about it...and my family wont let me take him to get psych help...because it my open a can of worms on me and I lose your brothers too...and that sends me into such a panic attack...it should of killed me when I lost you two...it did for quite a few months...still feel dead inside from it today...but I have to keep living so I can see you again someday...

Well I talked to Katelyns dad tonight he has stage one lung cancer which also is my fire to try and get pictures so he can see you before he dies...hopefully he will stick around and be able to meet you someday soon...5 more years for Katelyn after her birthday this year and 4 more years for Rowsheall...I really hope you come find us sooner than when you're 18 but idk even if you want to...and I hope you stick around for a long time...once you do come back...but a lot of adopted kids come find their biological parents visit a few times then that's it...I hope that's not the case with us...I want to get to know you both and you to get to know me and my husband and your brothers...

We are still trying to have a baby but with no luck so probably isn't going to happen :( but maybe if I get my life together and health managed...then maybe we can adopt a little girl...I doubt it though because of my losing you :-(

Anyway we ain't to that bridge yet...soon as I know what's going on with my health I will let you know...

I love you deeply and miss you more than anyone else on earth...I can't wait to see your faces!

I pray for you daily

Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother
Rabeka Jo D (F) dob 5/1980

PS we maybe moving in June and selling our house up north...don't know where we will move...but hopefully rent and not have to worry about repairs anymore...so sick of being home owners...would like to eventually sell our rentals as well...hope the housing market picks up soon...so we can sell for a reasonable price...anyways just a heads up...love you miss you

I called youthville and asked for pictures

Dear girls I finally broke down and called youthville and asked for pictures of you girls and possible contact fully up to your parents...that was on October 1st, 2012...on October 3rd youthville called back stating they couldn't find our case files so I gave them your birth dates...hoping to hear from them tomorrow with good news...if not I may call them again tomorrow...I keep praying they find our case and get ahold of your parents soon...so I can finally show the boys that your older than they are and so I can get pictures of katelyn to her dad who isn't doing so well with his lung cancer and his mom isn't doing well either...wish I had done this before my mom died so she could have seen you before she passed away...but I struggled with rejection still do struggle but I already let one dying relative of yours down...it's the least I can do for him since my ignorance caused him pain...I'm sorry I didn't know that they did a DNA test on you girls when you were in the system and thought nothing about their inquire about me being sure katelyn was Bruce's or not...if they would have said they found Bruce wasn't the father I would have told them his name and got him informed of the situation...but they didn't which was another way the system failed our family...
Anyways my hopes are up to get pictures if not more...and also would like to send pictures of your brothers and sister...and would like to share this blog with your parents and they can decide to share it with you or not when they feel you're ready to read it all...but mainly just hope to be able to watch you grow through pictures prior to now on through the years...I wouldn't mind contact or visitations...it's absolutely up to your parents how involved they want me to be in your lives...I love you both so very much and miss you tremendously as stated in all my posts thus far...the broke record will continue on with those statements until you are home with me again...of course you will be grown women by then and will no doubt be eager to be out on your own but I hope you get to know me before you head out into the great big world and life out there...
Love you bunches!
Hope to see your faces soon!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Ps. I'm sorry it took me so long to build up the nerve to inquire about pictures and I'm sorry I didn't pursue them back in 2003 but the person I talked to made it sound like it was impossible and a long process...then when I got word that I could write a letter to the parents I ended up writing ten page letters trying to justify why I deserve to watch you grow through pictures...which was stated in all details placed in the third post to this blog...so oldest posts third one up from the bottom...on this blog gives details as to how you girls were wrongfully taken from me...anyways praying God will ease my worries soon...and your faces are again present in my life again and from here on out...if that's all I get I will be blessed so if I end up with more...I would be very blessed and over flowing...love you ttyl