Happy 17th birthday Katelyn!

Dear Katelyn,
One more year till you can come find me idk if I can hold out until then. My life has come to a terrible circumstance and there is not much I can do to change it. What's done is done and I'm an idiot in the end. Please know I love you and your siblings each and everyone of them so much. And I hope to see you someday. But I may not be able to. I probably will fail as I always do but if I do succeed I probably won't see you.
Maybe that's better for you girls anyway.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo  (F) D

April 11, 2017

Dear girls,
If you are reading this blog then it means you got my information from Topeka I just sent today, and are curious about me. That makes me excited. I encourage you to look on the right side of this blog and find the timeline and start reading from the oldest to newest and learn what tore us apart. But I want you to know I've come a long way in my frustrations as you will read along the way to the newest. And I sincerely mean you were both concieved in 3 places: my womb and your two parents hearts. And this is what has kept me going and continuing to wait for you girls to finish the game of hide and seek I told you about at our last visit. I realize you may not remember our last time spent together and I wanna apologize for the paper copies of pictures because I didn't have time to put together a memory book for you girls as I was told entering court I was getting you two back. And at the time I could not afford anything else. Now photo copies are really cheap. But some of the faded possibly ruined photo copies are scanned and placed on this blog. And know I was not allowed to show my devistation to you girls on our last visit as it would have ended our visit early. Grandma Sally (my mom) would have loved to of been here for our reunion as she helped me raise you both for the 2 yrs and 11/12 days and Katelyn's 8 months before you were taken from us leaving us devistated. until Jan 19, 2009 my mom fought long and hard but skin cancer won, and she is no longer suffering. I'm sorry to say that because she loved you girls so intensely. April 10, 2001 you were taken from us. By the time we got visitation Katelyn did not recognize me and cried for her momma the entire visit who was right in front of her. And a small piece of me died that day. I didn't give up I fought hard and did all they told me to, but it wasn't fast enough not good enough and I was made out to look and feel like the poorest excuse for a human being. The long journey through the set ups and back stabs can be found in the third to the last post of this blog.
Just know I've come a very long ways since then as far as acceptance and I own up to the part of trusting the wrong people now and that is a huge step for me. I was young and single and supporting my mother financially and the timing for the agency couldn't have been better for them to win. We had to put our home up for sale in the midst of the battle which was good for the agency to show uncertainty as far as where we would of ended up so it looked very bad and so thus the greener grass on the other side of the fence justified in their claims and they ran with them. I wasn't rich. I'm still am not rich. I needed guidance and got the bull.
God had his hand on where you ended up at least that is my hope I've held onto for awhile now. And I hope your life has been ten fold of what you girls deserved since it was a life I couldn't offer you at the time nor probably now...
I wanna let you know before you venture into my past posts that you have a brother born Nov 2003, a brother born Sept 2005 and a sister born April 2014 who are at home with me now and my husband of 13 nearly 14 years in July (2003) and they can't wait to meet their sisters. And that you also have a sister born Sept 2, 2008 who died of hlhs and turner syndrome Sept. 3, 2008 and then a brother who was stillborn March 18, 2011 at 28 weeks along are also waiting to meet you in heaven. And yes I had 5 more after you girls so total of 7 kids for me. I wasn't looking to replace you. I was born to be a mother and had to prove it to myself. Even if these teen years are making me just as with any parent, doubt my mothering skills as they are very trying times.
But still think I couldn't have gotten through these 14 years without you without them, no matter how hard it has been to get here where I am today. I'm in no way shape or form perfect and I don't claim to be. And I hope and pray I don't disappoint you, but rather build a relationship with you girls even if from a distance. I will take what I can get to feel whole again. I been walking around with part of a heart all these years. And hopefully I can have it whole again sooner than later by you reaching out. Again I'm scared I will disappoint you because of the lack of money compared to what you I hope were raised in as that was my biggest hope and dream, that your parents didn't have to go without to provide what you needed and wanted like I was doing to provide you with your needs. But I had to make sacrifices to provide for my family and that was fine we were making it work some how. Just that timing couldn't have been any worse for me.
Know I love and miss you so very much and I'm sorry if after awhile my posts seem to just repeat over and over the same messages but I never raised a girl from age 2 to 18 before and my desire to just see you girls in pictures over the years was all I ever wanted but was not able to because of the court taking away my rights because I wasn't given the option to walk away and sign my rights away they led me to believe I was getting you girls back. Again why no photo album sent nor anything special other than fashion jewelery of my grandmother and what gifts I gave over the course of the court proceedings which I hope you got to keep.
Also would like Katelyn to know I did not know DNA testing was performed and Bruce was not found to not be your father the system approached it as "you sure Katelyn is Bruce's child?" Not well we did DNA and Bruce isn't the father which then I would of said Kenneth Raymond F was your father and that could of left the court open and that is probably why they did not put it that way since I looked my worse at that point in time even if normal parents put houses up for sale and don't know where they will end up because it's based on how much is going to be made at the sale as to how much can be put down on the next place etc. (I learned of the DNA testing in 2011 from Bruce's mom Darlene Ramona H) But the standard while in the system is that of impossible expectations and unachievable housing etc. While paying for court ordered classes and house payments and bills on poor people funds is impossible and unachievable. I do feel I failed you girls. But at the same time I hope and pray God picked you both up and gave you the life you needed. That I was unable to provide at the time. So it's a balancing act until I know for sure.
And know I'm an open book and have never been able to tell a lie and will be honest with you. And hope you can be honest and truthful despite my high hopes. you are encouraged to set me straight on my dream life I prayed you'd have. And I hope you can be honest and opened about it all regardless of what I've said here on the blog.
Well I need to go back to sleep. I love you both so very much and miss you dearly. I hope my blog doesnt rub you the wrong way and push you farther away. But the exact opposite I hope it draws you closer to me and we can pick up the pieces of my painful past and move forward in a relationship of birth mother and daughter's xoxo.
Sincerely,
Your loving waiting birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
D.o.b. 5-1980
Ps I have fibromyalgia and had L5S1 fusion surgery I can be found on Instagram frogluvrks
I'm struggling but finally came to grips with my health which borderline diabetes type 2 is also lurking and possible hyper thyroid is also looming there trying to take after my dad (diabetes) and my mom (thyroid). So lots of pain emotionally and physically but I'm pushing through for you girls so we can someday meet. Hopefully sooner than later. But I understand if you feel you need to wait until Katelyn is 18. Or until you catch up on my blog. Whichever you feel you need to do. I also welcome your parents to come as well. I would like to thank them for being there for you girls when I couldn't be. And I'm not looking to replace them. They are your parents and will be forever. I respect that. Good night sweet baby girls until we meet. I will continue to write here to you updating you on me and my life and wishing you happy birthdays and holidays until you come find me. Xoxo see you soon!

Happy 18th birthday Rowsheall Kailyn

Dear Rowsheall,
The day is finally here. The game of hide and seek can end today. (That's what I told you on our last visit). I'm here in the same house open armed and got memory box and pictures and DVD of our home videos of the supervised visits (minus the last visit because the supervisor screwed up the camera grr) anyways baby girl I was in labor all day the 28th started getting real about 1:00amish so went to the hospital they sent me home around 1:30am  because I wasn't making progress was still at a 3 came back half an hour later I was a 7 then at 2:16am had you. Glad I got back in time. Anyways.
Thankful you were adopted quickly after the last visitation that was Aug 29, 2002. And I look at the adoption as you were concieved not only in my womb but also in the hearts of the parents who raised you.
I'm super excited to see you...Well meet you and see what a beautiful woman you are today. I was born at 1:08am and you were born at 2:16am so X2 :) how I remember, you're the only one I remember the time for, I have to look up everyone else's :) anyways. I hope you have a great birthday today and I hope I'm included in your celebration as I can hardly contain my excitement to finally be able to hug you and hold you again.
If you wanna wait until Katelyn turns 18 and you both can come find me I understand that I will still be waiting how ever long you wanna wait but I hope not too long after Katelyn turns 18. Idk if I can wait much longer after that. It's been a long 14 years 7 months since I last held you, heard you laugh, heard your voice, kissed you, hugged you, sung you are my sunshine, and fought back tears because my heart was breaking in a million pieces and I didn't want our visit to end early. I'm sorry I failed you. But I hope it was for your best. God had his hand on where you ended up. I feel it. Even if the devil won the court system and made it fail us and destroyed me and our family. I'm still here looking forward in meeting you. You all are why I keep going. I keep fighting the depression and fibromyalgia and whatever else that is going on with my health the doctor doesn't know keeps sending me places I had L5S1 fusion surgery. Now I get to see a rheumatologist about the elevated inflammation levels. Hopefully I can walk away with better answers as to why I hurt so bad physically and have a better pain management plan in place and can function better in my day. I will keep fighting the good fight no matter how much I wanna just quit. You will come find me either today or someday soon and I will be waiting with my arms opened wide. I had Torticolis outbreak this morning so pardon my neck brace if you do come today.
I love you and miss you so much I can't hardly contain myself!

Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
D.O.B. 5-1980

P.s. my husband bought my mom's house which is why I'm in the same house as when you two were robbed from me April 10, 2001 ironically your due date.

Happy late thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving baby girls! I hope you were surrounded by your family and had a very good Thanksgiving feast. We had my husbands parents and great grandpa and nephew Jordan over and though short and sweet visit...I felt it lacked so much more than words can describe...I am so very thankful that Rowsheall turns 18 in end of March and can come find me :) of course I understand if you all wanna wait until Katelyn turns in Aug 2018 to come so both y'all can come meet me...but I do hope to see you soon!
I had my surgery on my back July 22, 2016 and so far doctors still don't want to treat my pain. I am fine until I bend over...about to just stop taking all meds and be done with the control over my life...meaning doctors holding control over my relief...which is frustrating to no end...I am frustrated and stressed...J your 11 yr old brother broke his arm your 2 yr old sister had to have caps put on her teeth because the tooth paste you get for toddlers is just full of candy...ugh...so anyways been a rough month for us all...we are nearing bankruptcy so taxes can't come any sooner for us...and depression in my life is peaked...I can't even take a shower because motivation is just not there...cps was called on us again (2nd time since D was born and the initial inspection) this time because D been a bit challenging here lately...he turned 13 day after Thanksgiving so that explains a lot in its self...so that sent me for a whirl into depression...and still recuperating....feel like the cps is lurking outside my door ready to strike any moment...especially since they know now I have a 2 yr old girl...so...I am on edge...anyway I am thankful I have what I have and what I had...I cannot change the past...wish i could...I wouldn't have allowed that babysitter to watch you girls and pulled myself together and just did what I had to do...
Looking at my daughter I realize something I hate myself for with Rowsheall and I cannot get into details on here but for what it is worth I am so sorry and wish I had a better pediatrician who didn't tell me it was normal for some to have...that is all I am going to say...but I failed at realizing something that could have been handled differently and I am so sorry...wish I could change things...but I can't...
Anyways, I am doing okay considering the realization of things, and circumstances out of my control...I'm hanging in barely but I am trying to rise up above it all...just struggling but still here breathing...soon as you girls come home and I know you lived a great life I will hope to snap the rest the way out of this dark place and start to climb back up to the light...I miss you so much and love you more than you will ever know xoxo!
See you soon!
Love you and miss you bunches!
Sincerely,
Your loving waiting birth mother,
Rabeka Jo  (F) D
D.o.b. 5-1980

Update

August 15, 2016 UPDATE forgot to post: My back surgery went good so the revolving door hospital said...I never seen the surgeon after surgery and only in passing at my two week appointment I seen him as I walked by...so strange I thought I'd see him more than just the consult thought I'd see him before surgery but not even that...they sent me home I believe a day earlier than I should of been sent...imho...but I got through it with my stressed out husband...poor guy...I had surgery July 22nd and now incision hurts still a bit and my back twinge from time to time but I think I'm getting through this all with flying colors and we been playing Pokémon go a lot! The hatching of eggs helps motivate me to walk farther than I probably should but hey gotta get them hatched lol...I can't wait to be able to ride my bike again...I been using a wheeled walker with a seat on it so I can stop and take a break when I need to or when I wanna battle gyms lol...anyways

Btw...I been depressed because...my oldest son is quite the challenge at age 12 nearly 13...very verbally abusive towards me and his brother...nothing we do helps...idk why he is the way he is...idk blame myself...I been fearful all his life of losing him like I did you girls I guess...so I been pretty withdrawn...so I wouldn't get hurt when it happened because I know if I did lose him I would die...I would not eat I wouldn't take care of myself because I would not go through all that I did only to lose him like I did you girls...I thought I would be better once I seen the boys past 3 years old...but I lost your sister Josephine to Turner syndrome and hlhs....so depression still grasped hold of me then we moved and things got better and got pregnant again things were going in the right direction...then bam...stillborn brother River and back to depression then had Evangeline your sister and then moved back here...and no things again were going great...then Dylan started getting worse with the verbal abuse...and now I just can't get on top of my depression...without him knocking me back down with his remarks about me and they way I do things criticizing everything I do and say...yes I'm being bullied by my son who is 12...he physically hurt me before my back surgery...after back surgery he suggested to put me in a nursing home because life was awesome without me home while I was at the hospital...he says I chose to have the back surgery and it's not that big a deal as I make it out to be...just hateful...crying now just typing it out...silly really...I shouldn't be bothered...he is just a kid...but when Rowsheall said she hated me I cried...she was throwing a fit...I started to cry and instead of guiding me how to handle it...the supervisor just told me if I don't stop crying she would have to end the visit so I had to suck it up and just listen to devastating words coming out my babies mouth that hurt me so deep...I'm sensitive...I'm guess...maybe I shouldn't have kids...maybe they were right for taking you girls...I keep going round and round with this...and get worked up over it...deep down I know I didn't deserve you girls to be taken...that it was all set up...that I was not the poor excuse for a human being they made me feel I was the day they ruled us apart...but it ruined me...still to this day I can't discipline your siblings I'm too scared they will be taken from me...probably why they are the way they are, they know I won't do nothing about it and they know all the buttons to push to get me to shut down and they get their way...
Sorry went on tangent on your birthday....love you.

It also didn't help that I finally found someone who I had fibromyalgia and back issues like me and turned out she was a child molester so I couldn't be her friend because she is a known sex offender and if I had let her in my home and allowed my son to go to her house to play with her son that would be frowned on in court and I could lose my kids...she went psycho on me after I told her how I was scared of the courts taking my kids and how it would kill me if they were taken from me...she then tried putting a protection from stalking on me and my son...totally baffled me but I am never going to court without a lawyer...screw that...so I paid $300 for a lawyer and went to court she didn't show up it was dismissed and thought it was over...um...no...she filed a set aside dismissal came to court again she was supposed to provide papers that explained why she missed court she thought her word was gold I guess and claimed her son had an "episode" of emotional distress that was caused by me and my son...I cried...I'm totally devastated and can't do court I'm suffering from ptsd and having flash backs of fighting for you girls....so court is ruled to reschedule in 3 weeks so she comes with one paper but judge asks for the paper of the first court date she missed she couldn't get that so dismissed again...I was nice the first few times I signed for her paperwork when it was sent to the wrong address but she is harassing me by dragging me through court repeatedly and I didn't have to sign for anything if I chose not to so returned to sender address I'm not at said address...honestly idk if she sent another because I pretty much had surgery and wasn't ever home before that cuz I was out busy playing Pokémon go...when the mail came through...I need to ask the mail lady someday soon...see what she says...I filed a harassment suit on this nightmare of a idk if woman is the name I'd even use for her...because it is harassment taking me to court over and over when I don't stalk her...and my son has stopped seeking out her son...now her son how ever rides past our house a lot and tempts my son but he holds back...and my boys are not allowed past the alley towards her house....they have to go the long way to friends houses that are in that direction...anyways I'm depressed cuz it figures my luck I find someone who has lots in common and I'd be endangering my son's if I affiliated myself with her...I had every right to tell my son's she was an offender...it's public knowledge...her son claims my son said a bunch of bully things and she claims she pulled her son from school but in fact he was expelled for pulling the fire alarm...they are just liars and I'm glad they are out of our lives...good riddance....my son denies everything that was said about him saying things and doing things...how it was twisted and at first I didn't believe him because he had been lying lately...but when he was emotionally distraught because I wasn't believing my own son I had to believe him because why would he get that upset if what he was saying was lies...so dumb...very stressful and depressing...and traumatizing for me...I can't do anymore court especially the kind that works me up for nothing....and dismissed then set aside again and again...I ain't got time nor energy to waste on such undesired place and proceedings over petty shit like my son can't play with your son but you still allow your son to ride his bike and walk by my house but yet my kid can't do that by yours bullshit....sorry this upsets me to no end...now that surgery is done...I still don't want to...my anxiety just thinking about it makes me emotionally unable to function...my anxiety med is no longer helping and even makes me irritable...cops are at least on my side...and my son's I am not letting out of my sight if they go outside to play or go down to the local park to play...they got bullied and had a knife pulled on them even if it was pointed towards the turtle and my son claims he didn't feel he was threatened by the knife...felt it was directed at the turtle...which soon after my younger son just told my oldest to just give the turtle to the bully and they shot a basket with the turtle and made the poor thing bleed...anyways I called the cops pressed charges on the kid...for battery because whole struggling to keep the turtle from this bully, the bully tore his shirt...and grabbed my son by the arm trying to get the turtle...so done with this drug filled neighborhood with horrible kids left and right...can't get no breaks...it's constant drama...anyways thanks for listening sorry to vent it all on your blog but this is what is up with me...I want to stay here until you girls find me but idk if I can wait that long...there was a full clip unloaded (gun shots) a few houses down a few months ago...just a bad neighborhood this has turned into and I want out ASAP hopefully before anyone of us get hurt too terribly bad...or fatally...I figured it would be easy to find me if we still had this house but we are finding it difficult to make two house payments without a reliable renter...and credit advanced cash withdrawals to cover them and bills is not helping our finances and the credit bill is just going up and it's not working out...and bout to let one go back to the bank and take the hit or put one up for sale...something has to happen soon...or we won't make it till tax season again...my big stardom on YouTube isn't happening yet but I haven't been able to sit through game play on computer since surgery...hope to make it big soon...anyways I feel better now thanks for listening...love you both.
Possibly will take this down or not publish it...idk yet
Sincerely your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo  (F) D dob 05-1980

P.s. it is Sept 15, 2016 now and my pain management Doctor stopped being my doctor because I snapped back at the nurse who was implying I was not obeying Doctor orders when I was and just every time I called for a refill she would give me grief about it claiming it's not time for a refill yet that the quantity should have lasted me a whole month and just implying I was in the wrong before talking to the doctor...I snapped the last time...I can't be treated like that and made to cry...and feel I don't matter and my pain isn't important....so I have to go all the way to Hutchinson Kansas to go see a pain management Doctor unless I can find one here in town I can go to...the one in hutch can't see me until end of November so this is a hard place to be and I'm very depressed and in pain prior to yesterday...yesterday I went in to see my surgeon and she prescribed me some percocet 5 to hopefully get me through until end of November so I'm relieved for now...now to convince my family doctor to keep prescribing my gabapentin if not I found a 2010 script I guess I will be forced to take and hope it helps get me through until I go to the pain management Doctor...anyways...still struggling with depression...your brother is still a bully...still not sure if I will post this or not...but it's nice to vent

Dear Girls,

CPS has been called on me and I am stressed out...It is because of D your brother and his inability to mind me has frustrated me to no end and actually one episode left me hurt. I had back surgery on July 22, 2016 to fuse my L5S1 and he was being a bully to his brother like usual and I end up trying to record him and he wrestled my phone out of my hands to delete the video and I got hurt wrestling him down to the ground and I vented to the wrong person...they turned me in...CPS is supposed to be coming out to the house to talk to the boys and my husband...and then she is going to recommend services like counseling but that is about all...she claims nothing is wrong with my home...and I am having a hard time accepting what she says as truth because of what the workers involved with our case said one thing to my face then in court it was total opposite and I am so anxious and depressed and I can't even begin to imagine life without my kids like I have had to be without you girls...I miss you both so very much and I cannot wait until March when Rowsheall turns 18 and she can come find me!...I hope I am not a disappointment to you...and I hope we can create a bond that I missed out on building over the last several years...so sad without you girls...losing your brothers and sister will be the death of me...I pray they don't get taken and that the woman is actually telling the truth and won't back stab me like the workers in our families case....
What makes me mad is most people don't believe me about it. But I know why they don't believe...because that would put them and their families at risk of the same fate as our family....and I totally get that...and understand why people are skeptical about how our situation turned out...and what lead up to it all being finalized...cuz I had to of done something wrong to deserve such fate...

But I was just young dumb and believed people and trusted people...obviously I didn't learn...I vented to the wrong person and now here I am with a can of worms opened up on us and I can't handle it...

I seriously think postpartum hits me late...and that was what was going on when you girls ended up taken...and I reached out for help and it was my biggest mistake of my life...I never should have gotten help...I should of just kept trying...not admit defeat...that was my wrong I did was reach out for help...

Anyways, I love you girls with all my heart and I can't wait to hold you in my arms again....

Sincerely,
Your Loving Birth Mother,
Rabeka (F) D
dob 5-1980

Happy birthday Katelyn!

Dear Katelyn,
Wow sweet 16 today?! Two more years until you are 18 and can come finally find me and I can hold you in my loving arms that have ache for so long to hold you two girls again! I wouldn't blame Rowsheall for waiting until your 18th birthday to come find me...both of you at the same time is totally up to y'all what you want to do...I really hope I don't disappoint you...I can't wait though!
I pray you all have a great life and are growing up Christian and have a loving caring family. God I know led you girls to the parents who conceived you in their hearts and wanted you for so long! And I hope they treated you both like princesses that you should feel you are...but stern when you needed it.
I love and miss you girls so very much...I still think about you both daily multiple times a day and it hurts me deeply that I have no idea who you girls are...I watch the three videos I have of you girls and just am so filled with disbelief that you grew bigger than the girls I see in the video...I can't imagine what you girls look like but I hope you favor me and are more beautiful than me (because you both deserve to be far more beautiful than I am or ever have been) I also cannot wait to meet your parents and thank them for raising you girls as their own...I am so appreciative of their dedication to taking on two girls so close in age...I know I was challenged but I was a single mom trying to take on the world.
Anyways...i love you hope you get all you wish for on your birthday today!
Miss you! Love you! Can't wait to see you and hold you again! We are in the home stretch! I do want y'all sooner of course but not sure if you can or not...I hope you can and will! Your brothers are eager to meet y'all and get to know you...
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo  (F) D dob 05-1980

Going to have a fusion done on my L5S1 disc

So my discogram showed my disc in the L5S1 is the cause of all my discomfort I am facing with my leg pain...so they are going in removing the disc replacing space with a plastic mesh that will allow the bones to fuse together and then a metal plate that will be screwed into the top vertebrae and bottom vertebrae...
There are risks with all surgeries and I hope and pray this is the answer I been looking for...and finally find relief without medication dependency to function in my everyday life. I also pray I walk away from the surgery...if not God must have a better plan for me than I had wanted. I'm learning to roll with the punches life swings at me...doesn't mean it doesn't devastated me at first doesn't mean it hurts less...just means I won't go extreme and wish to die anymore especially when life gets hard...it's so easy to get to that point...with each passing failure in my life I find myself headed down that road of despair but I'm getting better...
I have lots of stress from a psycho down my street ATM and I dont need her adding stress to my life...already wasted $300 on an attorney and i couldn't afford that and now have to pay more to continue going into court and her not have her paperwork she needs and the case is dismissed only for her to turn around and file a set aside dismissal and drag me back to court...which I'm facing PTSD symptoms because the horror I faced when l lost you girls... total distraught and devastated washes over me when I see court papers with false accusations on the damn papers... what she is trying to do is get a protection from stalking on me and your brother Dylan claims my actions of telling my children to stay away from her until I researched my involvement with her as a "friend" with me being a mother of two boys and a little girl, what the courts of family protection would say about my involvement with her and her son...confused yet? Well she is a registered sex offender to a 15 year old in 2000 she claims it was a set up to get black mailed but she was prosecuted and has to register as a sex offender for life. She never allowed me to research she suddenly got this pfs on me and Dylan but didn't show to first court date then didn't have proof she missed the first court date for "her son having an episode and having to take him in for emergency mental health care because of all that has happened due to my actions and words...I don't want to lose my family to gain a friend...not worth it to me...now she feels she needs a piece of paper stating our friendship is over...I haven't talked/texted/nothing since first court papers...I'm done with her...she says she doesn't do drama but all she is is gossip and drama...she expects in the end of court $4000 for moving expenses and for me to pay court fees etc...what a joke huh? So I'm stressed...on top of surgery on the 22nd...I'm an emotional train wreck...I hope it blows over soon...I'm about to move out of town and rent and sell the houses and be done with home ownership I'm so over everything falling apart...and having to be the ones to fix it or pay someone to fix it...I hate to see my childhood home...kinda want to stay until you come home so you can see it...since we all lived here with Grandma Sally aunt Jami and me and you two girls...but if this cunt doesn't stop causing me emotionally distress and not to mention a van down the street had a full clip unloaded into it awhile back...I can't get out of here faster...but have so much down sizing to get done so we can move ourselves again since no one volunteers to help...knows we are moving...but no one offers to help...but when we are asked to help move someone we help...idk what we did wrong...don't know why no one is there for us in times of need...and get criticism when asking for financial help to resolve this whole neighbor drama with the attorney fees...(my brother)
Anyway I'm sorry to go off on a tangent about this all...but it's quite upsetting to me.
Anyways,
Mommy Beky loves you girls so much it hurts so deep...I can't imagine losing my kids I have now too...that would destroy me...I wouldn't eat...I would shut down and wait for death cuz I can't go through another round of court order bs that after done wasn't done fast enough and my best wasn't good enough... leaving me to feel like the poorest excuse for a human being...
Love you both! Hope to see you soon!

Sincerely your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
DOB. 5-1989

Dearest daughters of mine

I have so much excitement I can't hardly stand it! March 29, 2017 and Aug 15, 2018 can't get here fast enough! I can't wait for you to meet your brothers and sister...and I pray I don't disappoint you...I feel worthless in this moment because of my L5S1 bulging and leaking fluid causing me unimaginable pain in my legs and back and butt...I called to set up the surgery to fix it I don't have a date yet...it may take them 4-6 weeks to get approval from my insurance before we can even get it scheduled then its going to be 4-6 weeks recovery time...so 2-4 months I should be healed enough to be able to ease myself back into activity and regain my life and start doing what I want to do...participate in life without pain medication...
I have ran into some stressful times and I don't understand it...and most my counseling I have done over the many years to fix my thoughts about how my children are extensions of my body and I have full control over them is slowly coming undone...I am having PTSD because the court papers remind me of the papers I received that defined what happened to lead to the worst day of my life...I have a paid lawyer this time...I am never going to court without one EVER again...but still feel anxiety and depression and shut down and cry for no reason out of the blue...and yeah PTSD full swing...
I would go into details about the situation but going to hold off on that until its over...because I don't think I can talk about it on a public blog until its done and over with...and even then I won't be able to say names and that is fine...I would rather not have their name on my blog...
Gosh I miss you girls so very much you must be so very big...I hope you all feel accepted and loved...
I fear I am failing with the boys...they are tweens (10 and 12 going to be 13 soon) and man such drama encircles them...I have way too much on my plate with just them and to add this other drama to my life 2nd go round with this court thing because first time was dismissed because the lady didn't even show up to court...she filed for a motion to modify the protection from stalking order and set aside the dismissal...wtfe that means...I am emotionally and physically distraught and can't stop crying and all I want to do is either sleep or cry....I was trying to have fun and play games and record myself  doing so and then yeah no can't do that now cuz I end up in tears...just out of no where for no reason....stupid...hate it...I can't make money I can't get audience...if I don't go live on twitch and play....and don't upload...but Dylan is very hateful towards me too and that makes me shut down also...I want to be big on youtube I want to make a living and enjoy my job....life just keeps knocking me down when I think I am at the top...and this whole court thing is just rekindling the horrible feelings I felt when I lost you girls...I miss you so very much and wish I could hold you and know all about your life you lived and see you grow through pictures...

Anyways I must go I keep crying and can't see the screen,
Sincerely,
your loving  birth mother,
Rabeka (F) D dob 5-1980
please contact me as soon as you can I can't stand to wait any longer than your 18th birthdays!

Dearest Girls,
I got the most precious most desired presents I could ever imagine today on my 36th birthday today! I am still in utter shock of the whole receiving and I keep looking through just in awe and disbelief its real....
I am so happy! I love you both so very much...I am going to have back surgery in the near future to have my L5S1 disc removed and fused together and after that is scheduled I will be down and out for 4-6 weeks after that...and hopefully after recovery I will experience NO pain and be able to live my life normally and even enjoy some activities I have always wanted to get into...I am horrified but at the same time I am excited because of the pain free possibility and pain pill dependency on normalcy will be a thing of the past is what I mostly am excited about...I don't like being on them...but I know I cannot function without them...the pain is far too great to manage on my own...God helped me through my last pregnancy miraculously but now I am worse than ever...and there is no other way to fix this other than pills or surgery...I don't want pills so I am agreeing to do the surgery...I love you both so very much and I hope to be fully recovered by the time you come and find me....I can't wait! I am so excited!
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Dob: 5/1980
your loving birth mother longing to hold you in my arms again xoxo

Discogram results

Dear Girls,

It is highly recommended that I have a Disc Fusion on my L5S1 I can schedule it at anytime. it has a 80% success rate...so pretty good outcomes...I still am in the air about deciding to do the surgery or not...I want to talk to someone who had it done and how well they can bend over to pick up things etc.
It seems my disc just isn't stable and won't heal on its own...even with steroid injections...I wanna wait a year just to see if I can take it easy and allow it to heal on its own...before I commit to such an invasive procedure...anyway...I love you girls...I don't want to be bed ridden when you finally come home to me...but I have to schedule this surgery 4-6 weeks out and then it takes me 4-6 weeks to heal and for the bones to fuse together...so two months to 3 months I will be waiting and then healing...I am not sure I want to do this or not...I know I don't want the spasms and I don't want the constant ache in my legs...but also don't want to have to go through such an invasive procedure gambling if it works well for me or not....
Anyway, thought I would update you on that...
Sincerely,
Your Loving Birth Mother
Rabeka Jo (dob 5-1980)

Happy 17th birthday Rowsheall!!! 365 more days to go!

Dear Rowsheall,
I'm so excited that 265 days are left until you are 18 and can come find me! It's been 17 years since you been outside my protective body and its been 13 years and 7 months since I last held you in my loving arms, told you I loved you thiiiiiis much, kissed you, and seen your face. That is
4,962 days I've been without my sunshine (of course Katelyn included). So close yet so far until you can legally come find me and our game I told you about on our last visit (of hide and seek) can finally come to an end. I shouldn't be too hard to find since I'm still in the same house I was in back then. And I'm so ready for this day to get here!
At 2:16am you came into my life. I couldn't wait to meet you and here I feel I've been pregnant all these years waiting for your arrival to see your face, touch your face, hug you and kiss you and hold you and tell you I love you.
I hope I don't disappoint you in who you think I am or should be. I'm also hoping the system didn't fail you in placement and pray you lived a happy fulfilled life thus far! I'm here arms wide open waiting for you baby girl! See you so very soon!
Sincerley,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
DOB 05/1980
PS. I was going to send this at your birth time but I need to go to sleep xoxo

Today I go for discogram

This was wrote awhile back idk why it was saved as a draft...

Well girls sorry I haven't been writing but I don't feel like repeating myself anymore than I already have...I hope to see you next year Rowsheall and the year after Katelyn and its OK if you Rowsheall wanna wait for Katelyn to come of age to come find me together. I'm waiting with arms wide open.

So today I am going in for a discogram to see if what the doctors think is going on with the disc leaking fluid that is irritating the nerves down my legs causing the pain I am in...I'm nervous...but glad Dr Scott is doing it...he is very good at what he does...I nearly welcome paralysis if it means I no longer have to face the invisible pain no one believes exists and treat me like an addict...but I know I am not because I went through hell for months without meds hurting worse than ever...so anyway...I love you girls so very much and I can't wait to hold you in my loving arms...I miss you both so terribly bad...I'm about to rip the DVD of you girls and me and place them on YouTube so people can see you girls and maybe you can find it to find me...I love you girls so very very much and I cannot wait to see you and hold you again....I lost my aunt Carol recently and just the other day my uncle David Jon...so having a rough time on top of my physical pain but I've pulled through worse times so I can pull through these as well...I love you both so very much! Hope you are both happy and healthy and thriving...I miss you both so very much my body aches to hold you again.
Hope to see you both soon...xoxo
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F)
DOB 5-1980

Just been thinking a lot about you girls lately

I was told that most the cases that happened around the time our case was in the system have been overturned because some of the people on the cases were found to be incompetent and if I learned which these incompetent people were and found they were on our case I could win you girls back.

Don't get me wrong here I do want more than anything for you to come home to me, but you are established and to move you girls again I am not sure would be the right thing for you girls. So I am kinda torn on do I pursue this and possibly get you girls back and get money for the damage done to us as a family that was torn apart for no reason outside of false rumors.

There is not one single day I do not think of you girls and I ache so hard to hold you again. I am so sorry I failed the system and lost you. I know in 2 years Rowsheall can come find me and in 3 years Katelyn can come find me..and for me to just open this up and get you girls back for your last 2-3 years of childhood...I just don't know that I see the benefit of that. At the same time I lost so many years prior and it would give me 2-3 years to catch up on those 13 years we lost because of a system built to destroy single mothers lives who they deemed unfit because they were single and didn't have a significant other but had a grandmother who your mom was taking care of...anyways...I am just going back and forth on the fence with this whole thought of getting you back or not...of course the incompetent may not have been on our case and it would be a waste of time and hope and excitement but hey worth a shot...I think next time I get the chance I will go downtown to the court house and look at the public records and see. Wish I had known this quite a few years ago like when the incompetent were found incompetent. Why didn't they notify me? smh. anyways.
I love you girls so very much I hope to hold you again soon!
Sincerely,
your loving birth mother
Rabeka Jo (F) D (dob 05-80)

I figured up how long it has been since we last seen eachother

Dear Both Girls,
It has been 12 years 11 months and 18 days since I last seen you girls. That is 4,735 days or 113,644 hours.
I have 1 year 7 months and 12 days until Rowsheall is 18 years old!
I have 2 years 11 months and 29 days until Katelyn is 18 years old!
I am in the home stretch for you girls to come home to me and I will hold you and kiss you and hug you and never want to let you go again! I am so excited!
Anyways I am so excited! I had to share my excitement!
Sincerely,
Your loving and eager birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
dob 5-1980

Happy Birthday Katelyn! You are 15 yay 3 more years until you can come find me!

Hey baby girl yes I am a day late but doesn't mean I didn't think of you all day yesterday which I did, I just didn't have the time to jot you a note on here, its been chaotic around here with school getting ready to start and us trying to get our other house rented so hopefully in the end it can be purchased and we can be done with the whole renting scene as we are totally done with that. Anyways. I hope your day was most special of all and continues to get better over the many years to come. I love you and your sister so very much it hurts so bad that I cannot touch you and hold you and wish you a Happy birthday in person. My heart aches to hear your voice and see your faces, we are getting closer to your 18th birthdays and I can hardly wait! I hope you do seek me out. I hope you find this blog and know that not one single day went by that I did not think of you I just don't want to overwhelm you with so many posts you can't possibly catch up with so I limited myself over the years as to how much I posted so not to overwhelm you when you do read it.
Wow 15 years old...I remember when I was 15. I really hope your 15 looks very much different than mine as I hope you aren't making some of the mistakes I made at that age and continued to make until I wised up and learned the hard way that my mom (your grandma Sally) was right about everything and I should of minded her all those years I was rebelling her ruling over my life. I sincerely hope you are a good girl and mind your parents. I also hope you are respectful of yourself and others.
I love you both so very much be sure to tell your sister that for me. I really do miss you girls so very much...I want to post videos of you girls on youtube during our visits with Jacqueline Perry the social worker who chomped her gum annoyingly throughout them and scribbled down on her pad of paper when things weren't going too smoothly and then sat there watching as everything was nice and calm and going great...focusing only on the negatives during our visits. and conveniently you girls needed naps so we had a lot of fun during our visits and she had tons of notes to share with court about how bad of a mother I was. I needed guidance and all I got was them making me look bad in court and not conserving my family unit because it was broken because I didn't have a husband and house of my own I had a mother and a sister and we all supported each other and it would of worked...but the grass was greener on the other side of the fence with a stable married couple with lots of money to spare...so you could be spoiled and could have everything you could ever wish to have. I hope that is what happened at least...since it was so much better where you were going verses where you were coming from.
Anyway, I hope you had a great day sweetheart and your dad Kenneth Raymond Fairchild wished you a happy birthday on my facebook. I will keep in contact with him so you can get in touch with him when you come to me. I love you so very much and he does too...and I am sorry I didn't have any idea that you could of been his...and I am sorry the system didn't tell me that dna testing said you were not Bruce Hetzel's daughter. They failed your real dad tremendously by not saying so and allowing me to get in touch with him so he could try to get you since I wasn't going to get you...but they were telling me I was getting you girls back the entire time saying I had everything done and then in court said I refused to do a number of court ordered classes or treatments or whatever it was and they said I was fine then in court said I was faking good on my psych eval...smh...I just can't get over how they railroaded me and your grandmother. I hate that fact that I gave my all and it wasn't good enough or fast enough for the courts to give me you girls back...I need to get the address to write to you girls so it can go into your file...I figure I will write and then link this blog in it so you can read all the posts here...I am just so scared I don't know why but I am working on it with my counselor...I think its the fact that I can never go back and edit anything I say in those letters that I send and I am afraid that what I say may or may not make you want to come find me and I don't want to mess up any of that possibility since there maybe just a small curiosity there to begin with and then my letter may totally throw the small bit out of the water and you won't come find me for many years. I cannot hardly wait until you are 18 and I hope and pray you do seek me out. I really really miss you girls so bad it hurts...I cannot go much longer than that for you to come see me...I want to hold you so bad and I can't...it hurts so bad!
Anyway I will talk to you later I cannot see the screen now as I am crying.
I love you both so very much and miss you so very much!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
dob: 5-1980

To both girls

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn,

Sorry I haven't written in awhile, but lately your brother Dylan has been being quite the drama king and wanting to permanently get rid of a temporary problem. And I've been very discouraged on doing anything. Awhile back I scratched on my wrist to release frustration but it didn't help like I believed it did many years ago when I did it regularly, so I won't be doing that again. I almost ended up divorced because of it, my husband doesn't understand it wasn't an attack on him, nor an attempt to leave him. Anyway. I'm back in counseling, though I think we need marriage and family counseling, so does my counselor...anyway I wanted to drop a note, to let you both know I still think of you every single day multiple times a day, I love you so very much and I really wish I could see you via picture. And I'm sorry I haven't sent anything to your file...I want to be able to edit my things I say to you...like I can here on the blog (even though I haven't edited this blog accept for misspellings and jumble words I come across when I read it). Anyway.
I'm going to my counselor now
Talk to you later
Love you and miss you bunches!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D

Happy birthday Rowsheall

I thought of you all month...I missed River Lyrics birthday too. I'm sorry, I feel as if I'm a broken record in my messages so I've been discouraged from writing and I'm sorry...I do love you and your sister Katelyn so much, I think of you both very often...and its hard for me. I finally found the info to send a letter requesting pictures of you girls. I'm just going to do it...if rejected I guess life will have no other choice but to move on. Hope it doesn't hurt so bad.
Hope it will be granted...I can't stand and haven't been able to stand not being able to see you grown through the years.
Anyway happy birthday sweet baby I hope it was best and you got everything you wanted xoxo. I miss you. I will talk more later...
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Your loving birth mother awaiting your return home to my loving arms xoxo

Just to have these names on my blog somewhere

So if you google your current names Rochelle and Katie hopefully this will show up and you can look through other posts to find out this is about you from me your loving birth mother waiting for you to come home to me

Rochelle birthday is March 29, 1999 and Katie birthday is Aug. 15, 2000
You were taken from me on April 10, 2001 and terminated from me in Aug. 2002 I last seen you Aug 29, 2002 and that was the biggest loss I have experienced in my whole life...me losing you girls.
My name is Rabeka Jo D maiden name starts with F so going to throw out a few names of difference spelling so it can help you maybe find me too. Rebecca Rebecka Rebeka Rabecca Beky Becky Bekey Beckey mommy Becky is what you called me (honestly I hate the name Becky because I'm redneck enough with Rabeka Jo as my name but I allowed my baby girls to call me Becky and you are the ONLY ones who got away with it just so you know how special you are) so hopefully this post will get you here...

Please if you find this post go to the oldest post and work your way to the newest posts so you know I've thought constantly about you throughout the years we been apart and I miss and love you both so very much and cannot wait to see you again soon!

PS to read oldest look on the right of this page scroll down to year dates click the oldest year then oldest month and work your way up through the years and I hope you read it all and know I was wronged but nothing I could do and that I'm waiting for you with my arms wide open and if I only knew how to allow you to come before your 18 I would do it but Lori Chandler won't tell me anything other than for me to write and send stuff to the envelope they have for you...and idk what to send so I am currently hand writing out this blog...but may end up printing and gluing it because my hand can't write anymore like it used to...two paragraphs at a time is so not getting this task done...sorry...but I will get it and send it to that envelope soon as I can...

Anyway I pray this helps you find me...I love you two so very much and miss you so much I can't and haven't stopped thinking about you not ever and I won't talk to you soon I hope!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F) DOB 5-1980

Happy Thanksgiving baby girls

As thanksgiving sneaks up on me...I been thinking about what I'm thankful for...first and foremost I'm glad I had you both and did not abort you and throw you away like a selfish young idiot most people the age I was do. I'm thankful for having all your brothers and sisters too (Dylan, Jack, and River your brothers and Josephine and Evangeline your sisters) I don't think anyone other than me could of handled losing Josephine and River like I did so I'm thankful God trusted me with them to carry out their lives they were written in his book for them to have...I'm very thankful I met and married Johnny...even if he is impatient and always has to get something out of everything which drives me bananas....I'm the giving kind of person...and he is the what do I get out of it? Nothing?! Forget it then...type and yeah so not like me...and I hate that but it is his hard earned money that goes into the gas tank and yeah money I would use to help others out...so I can't do many things I want but that's OK its his money...I'm thankful we were allowed to move back to my childhood home...I'm thankful that the renters we had living here tore things up not burnt the place down like they could have on many occasions (signs of cigarettes being left on shelves and stories of their family living in garage with space heaters smh....so could have happened and I'm so thankful God didn't allow it)....I'm thankful that we were able to fix it up with new flooring and carpet...I'm thankful my husband has a job...I'm thankful I have a sorta job of cleaning my neighbors house...I'm thankful we have my friend and her three kids living in the other house for the winter and they have someplace warm to be and the bills are in their name and are paying the bills...so thankful for that....thankful that we have just enough money to scrape by with our house payments and insurance and bills...thankful we have credit cards to cover the food bill each month...otherwise we would starve...thankful there is food stamps available for people like me but saddened that we probably don't qualify because we have the other house as a resource so instead of renting the house out for money to pay the house payment and insurance on the place...we get to starve if we didn't have our credit cards....thankful we can sell our other house in March and be done with the whole landlord piss-on scene....and stop being taken advantage of...thankful that many people say just holler when we need help to move our two car garage worth of stuff...now if we can swallow our pride and allow it...no one volunteered when asked on Facebook so I assumed no  wanted to help us even if they said hey I'm free next weekend (which I had one lady lined up to help and then she didn't answer her phone and disappeared off the face of the earth go figure) and yeah that would be appreciated....now its cold and going to get icy and snowy and yeah not going to happen...but I'm thankful there is no rush on getting the stuff moved....I'm thankful to be able to help my friend and her kids out...I'm thankful that karma will come back around and bless us...hopefully soon...Christmas is going to be slim pickings this year...probably won't qualify for assistance with that either...but we get Wic and we get free lunches...this is just dumb...
Anyway sorry I've got a lot on my mind...it was Dylans birthday today (11-25-14) he turned 11....its been 12 years since I seen you girls....I'm thankful that you can come and find me when you are 18 I wish you could sooner but stupid case worker Lori Chandler says there isn't anything I can do accept put things in a folder...so I'm trying to hand write this blog into a book to send in...to be honest I'm on the third post from oldest...and it hurts so bad to write (my hand doesn't write well anymore)...so I may see about printing the rest of the blog out (after I finish the third post) and then glue the pages into the book or something...make it super thick though...so idk...hope it won't...anyway that is my game plan and of course a link to this blog to see if I wrote more on it...which I probably will keep writing after I send the book...anyways...love you girls and miss you so very much! Wish you were here to celebrate Thanksgiving with us...an your family too would be very welcomed...I'm so lost without you girls...always have been...I sure hope you do come find me :-( I have health issues that make me hurt so bad still trying to figure out what it is that is going on...hopefully soon they will figure it out and I find relief and get my life back...anyway...I love you we are having my neighbor over for thanksgiving dinner and my husbands mom dad grandma uncle Chris I sure hope comes...Dalton our nephew maybe and maybe his ex girl and her two kids (his daughter her son)...idk no one said they didn't have no where to go for the dinner thing so I assume everyone has a place to be...anyway...I wish more would come...I'm not used to these small functions...my mom had four siblings and each had at least two kids so lots of cousins...anyway...I miss you both and my mom and sister Jami (Jami moved to Arkansas, Grandma Sally died)...I also miss my sister in laws (Lilly moved to Alabama and Melissa died)....but I'm sure thankful I got to know them all...and miss Faith our niece she moved to Alabama with her momma...anyways sorry just unloading my brain and broken heart so its not so heavy this thanksgiving day like it is every year and just more and more heavy as my life trudges on...
Talk to you later...love you both and miss you both so much that words cannot express how much I do...
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F) DOB 5-1980