Going to have a fusion done on my L5S1 disc

So my discogram showed my disc in the L5S1 is the cause of all my discomfort I am facing with my leg pain...so they are going in removing the disc replacing space with a plastic mesh that will allow the bones to fuse together and then a metal plate that will be screwed into the top vertebrae and bottom vertebrae...
There are risks with all surgeries and I hope and pray this is the answer I been looking for...and finally find relief without medication dependency to function in my everyday life. I also pray I walk away from the surgery...if not God must have a better plan for me than I had wanted. I'm learning to roll with the punches life swings at me...doesn't mean it doesn't devastated me at first doesn't mean it hurts less...just means I won't go extreme and wish to die anymore especially when life gets hard...it's so easy to get to that point...with each passing failure in my life I find myself headed down that road of despair but I'm getting better...
I have lots of stress from a psycho down my street ATM and I dont need her adding stress to my life...already wasted $300 on an attorney and i couldn't afford that and now have to pay more to continue going into court and her not have her paperwork she needs and the case is dismissed only for her to turn around and file a set aside dismissal and drag me back to court...which I'm facing PTSD symptoms because the horror I faced when l lost you girls... total distraught and devastated washes over me when I see court papers with false accusations on the damn papers... what she is trying to do is get a protection from stalking on me and your brother Dylan claims my actions of telling my children to stay away from her until I researched my involvement with her as a "friend" with me being a mother of two boys and a little girl, what the courts of family protection would say about my involvement with her and her son...confused yet? Well she is a registered sex offender to a 15 year old in 2000 she claims it was a set up to get black mailed but she was prosecuted and has to register as a sex offender for life. She never allowed me to research she suddenly got this pfs on me and Dylan but didn't show to first court date then didn't have proof she missed the first court date for "her son having an episode and having to take him in for emergency mental health care because of all that has happened due to my actions and words...I don't want to lose my family to gain a friend...not worth it to me...now she feels she needs a piece of paper stating our friendship is over...I haven't talked/texted/nothing since first court papers...I'm done with her...she says she doesn't do drama but all she is is gossip and drama...she expects in the end of court $4000 for moving expenses and for me to pay court fees etc...what a joke huh? So I'm stressed...on top of surgery on the 22nd...I'm an emotional train wreck...I hope it blows over soon...I'm about to move out of town and rent and sell the houses and be done with home ownership I'm so over everything falling apart...and having to be the ones to fix it or pay someone to fix it...I hate to see my childhood home...kinda want to stay until you come home so you can see it...since we all lived here with Grandma Sally aunt Jami and me and you two girls...but if this cunt doesn't stop causing me emotionally distress and not to mention a van down the street had a full clip unloaded into it awhile back...I can't get out of here faster...but have so much down sizing to get done so we can move ourselves again since no one volunteers to help...knows we are moving...but no one offers to help...but when we are asked to help move someone we help...idk what we did wrong...don't know why no one is there for us in times of need...and get criticism when asking for financial help to resolve this whole neighbor drama with the attorney fees...(my brother)
Anyway I'm sorry to go off on a tangent about this all...but it's quite upsetting to me.
Anyways,
Mommy Beky loves you girls so much it hurts so deep...I can't imagine losing my kids I have now too...that would destroy me...I wouldn't eat...I would shut down and wait for death cuz I can't go through another round of court order bs that after done wasn't done fast enough and my best wasn't good enough... leaving me to feel like the poorest excuse for a human being...
Love you both! Hope to see you soon!

Sincerely your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
DOB. 5-1989

Dearest daughters of mine

I have so much excitement I can't hardly stand it! March 29, 2017 and Aug 15, 2018 can't get here fast enough! I can't wait for you to meet your brothers and sister...and I pray I don't disappoint you...I feel worthless in this moment because of my L5S1 bulging and leaking fluid causing me unimaginable pain in my legs and back and butt...I called to set up the surgery to fix it I don't have a date yet...it may take them 4-6 weeks to get approval from my insurance before we can even get it scheduled then its going to be 4-6 weeks recovery time...so 2-4 months I should be healed enough to be able to ease myself back into activity and regain my life and start doing what I want to do...participate in life without pain medication...
I have ran into some stressful times and I don't understand it...and most my counseling I have done over the many years to fix my thoughts about how my children are extensions of my body and I have full control over them is slowly coming undone...I am having PTSD because the court papers remind me of the papers I received that defined what happened to lead to the worst day of my life...I have a paid lawyer this time...I am never going to court without one EVER again...but still feel anxiety and depression and shut down and cry for no reason out of the blue...and yeah PTSD full swing...
I would go into details about the situation but going to hold off on that until its over...because I don't think I can talk about it on a public blog until its done and over with...and even then I won't be able to say names and that is fine...I would rather not have their name on my blog...
Gosh I miss you girls so very much you must be so very big...I hope you all feel accepted and loved...
I fear I am failing with the boys...they are tweens (10 and 12 going to be 13 soon) and man such drama encircles them...I have way too much on my plate with just them and to add this other drama to my life 2nd go round with this court thing because first time was dismissed because the lady didn't even show up to court...she filed for a motion to modify the protection from stalking order and set aside the dismissal...wtfe that means...I am emotionally and physically distraught and can't stop crying and all I want to do is either sleep or cry....I was trying to have fun and play games and record myself  doing so and then yeah no can't do that now cuz I end up in tears...just out of no where for no reason....stupid...hate it...I can't make money I can't get audience...if I don't go live on twitch and play....and don't upload...but Dylan is very hateful towards me too and that makes me shut down also...I want to be big on youtube I want to make a living and enjoy my job....life just keeps knocking me down when I think I am at the top...and this whole court thing is just rekindling the horrible feelings I felt when I lost you girls...I miss you so very much and wish I could hold you and know all about your life you lived and see you grow through pictures...

Anyways I must go I keep crying and can't see the screen,
Sincerely,
your loving  birth mother,
Rabeka (F) D dob 5-1980
please contact me as soon as you can I can't stand to wait any longer than your 18th birthdays!

Dearest Girls,
I got the most precious most desired presents I could ever imagine today on my 36th birthday today! I am still in utter shock of the whole receiving and I keep looking through just in awe and disbelief its real....
I am so happy! I love you both so very much...I am going to have back surgery in the near future to have my L5S1 disc removed and fused together and after that is scheduled I will be down and out for 4-6 weeks after that...and hopefully after recovery I will experience NO pain and be able to live my life normally and even enjoy some activities I have always wanted to get into...I am horrified but at the same time I am excited because of the pain free possibility and pain pill dependency on normalcy will be a thing of the past is what I mostly am excited about...I don't like being on them...but I know I cannot function without them...the pain is far too great to manage on my own...God helped me through my last pregnancy miraculously but now I am worse than ever...and there is no other way to fix this other than pills or surgery...I don't want pills so I am agreeing to do the surgery...I love you both so very much and I hope to be fully recovered by the time you come and find me....I can't wait! I am so excited!
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Dob: 5/1980
your loving birth mother longing to hold you in my arms again xoxo

Discogram results

Dear Girls,

It is highly recommended that I have a Disc Fusion on my L5S1 I can schedule it at anytime. it has a 80% success rate...so pretty good outcomes...I still am in the air about deciding to do the surgery or not...I want to talk to someone who had it done and how well they can bend over to pick up things etc.
It seems my disc just isn't stable and won't heal on its own...even with steroid injections...I wanna wait a year just to see if I can take it easy and allow it to heal on its own...before I commit to such an invasive procedure...anyway...I love you girls...I don't want to be bed ridden when you finally come home to me...but I have to schedule this surgery 4-6 weeks out and then it takes me 4-6 weeks to heal and for the bones to fuse together...so two months to 3 months I will be waiting and then healing...I am not sure I want to do this or not...I know I don't want the spasms and I don't want the constant ache in my legs...but also don't want to have to go through such an invasive procedure gambling if it works well for me or not....
Anyway, thought I would update you on that...
Sincerely,
Your Loving Birth Mother
Rabeka Jo (dob 5-1980)

Happy 17th birthday Rowsheall!!! 365 more days to go!

Dear Rowsheall,
I'm so excited that 265 days are left until you are 18 and can come find me! It's been 17 years since you been outside my protective body and its been 13 years and 7 months since I last held you in my loving arms, told you I loved you thiiiiiis much, kissed you, and seen your face. That is
4,962 days I've been without my sunshine (of course Katelyn included). So close yet so far until you can legally come find me and our game I told you about on our last visit (of hide and seek) can finally come to an end. I shouldn't be too hard to find since I'm still in the same house I was in back then. And I'm so ready for this day to get here!
At 2:16am you came into my life. I couldn't wait to meet you and here I feel I've been pregnant all these years waiting for your arrival to see your face, touch your face, hug you and kiss you and hold you and tell you I love you.
I hope I don't disappoint you in who you think I am or should be. I'm also hoping the system didn't fail you in placement and pray you lived a happy fulfilled life thus far! I'm here arms wide open waiting for you baby girl! See you so very soon!
Sincerley,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
DOB 05/1980
PS. I was going to send this at your birth time but I need to go to sleep xoxo

Today I go for discogram

This was wrote awhile back idk why it was saved as a draft...

Well girls sorry I haven't been writing but I don't feel like repeating myself anymore than I already have...I hope to see you next year Rowsheall and the year after Katelyn and its OK if you Rowsheall wanna wait for Katelyn to come of age to come find me together. I'm waiting with arms wide open.

So today I am going in for a discogram to see if what the doctors think is going on with the disc leaking fluid that is irritating the nerves down my legs causing the pain I am in...I'm nervous...but glad Dr Scott is doing it...he is very good at what he does...I nearly welcome paralysis if it means I no longer have to face the invisible pain no one believes exists and treat me like an addict...but I know I am not because I went through hell for months without meds hurting worse than ever...so anyway...I love you girls so very much and I can't wait to hold you in my loving arms...I miss you both so terribly bad...I'm about to rip the DVD of you girls and me and place them on YouTube so people can see you girls and maybe you can find it to find me...I love you girls so very very much and I cannot wait to see you and hold you again....I lost my aunt Carol recently and just the other day my uncle David Jon...so having a rough time on top of my physical pain but I've pulled through worse times so I can pull through these as well...I love you both so very much! Hope you are both happy and healthy and thriving...I miss you both so very much my body aches to hold you again.
Hope to see you both soon...xoxo
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F)
DOB 5-1980

Just been thinking a lot about you girls lately

I was told that most the cases that happened around the time our case was in the system have been overturned because some of the people on the cases were found to be incompetent and if I learned which these incompetent people were and found they were on our case I could win you girls back.

Don't get me wrong here I do want more than anything for you to come home to me, but you are established and to move you girls again I am not sure would be the right thing for you girls. So I am kinda torn on do I pursue this and possibly get you girls back and get money for the damage done to us as a family that was torn apart for no reason outside of false rumors.

There is not one single day I do not think of you girls and I ache so hard to hold you again. I am so sorry I failed the system and lost you. I know in 2 years Rowsheall can come find me and in 3 years Katelyn can come find me..and for me to just open this up and get you girls back for your last 2-3 years of childhood...I just don't know that I see the benefit of that. At the same time I lost so many years prior and it would give me 2-3 years to catch up on those 13 years we lost because of a system built to destroy single mothers lives who they deemed unfit because they were single and didn't have a significant other but had a grandmother who your mom was taking care of...anyways...I am just going back and forth on the fence with this whole thought of getting you back or not...of course the incompetent may not have been on our case and it would be a waste of time and hope and excitement but hey worth a shot...I think next time I get the chance I will go downtown to the court house and look at the public records and see. Wish I had known this quite a few years ago like when the incompetent were found incompetent. Why didn't they notify me? smh. anyways.
I love you girls so very much I hope to hold you again soon!
Sincerely,
your loving birth mother
Rabeka Jo (F) D (dob 05-80)

I figured up how long it has been since we last seen eachother

Dear Both Girls,
It has been 12 years 11 months and 18 days since I last seen you girls. That is 4,735 days or 113,644 hours.
I have 1 year 7 months and 12 days until Rowsheall is 18 years old!
I have 2 years 11 months and 29 days until Katelyn is 18 years old!
I am in the home stretch for you girls to come home to me and I will hold you and kiss you and hug you and never want to let you go again! I am so excited!
Anyways I am so excited! I had to share my excitement!
Sincerely,
Your loving and eager birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
dob 5-1980

Happy Birthday Katelyn! You are 15 yay 3 more years until you can come find me!

Hey baby girl yes I am a day late but doesn't mean I didn't think of you all day yesterday which I did, I just didn't have the time to jot you a note on here, its been chaotic around here with school getting ready to start and us trying to get our other house rented so hopefully in the end it can be purchased and we can be done with the whole renting scene as we are totally done with that. Anyways. I hope your day was most special of all and continues to get better over the many years to come. I love you and your sister so very much it hurts so bad that I cannot touch you and hold you and wish you a Happy birthday in person. My heart aches to hear your voice and see your faces, we are getting closer to your 18th birthdays and I can hardly wait! I hope you do seek me out. I hope you find this blog and know that not one single day went by that I did not think of you I just don't want to overwhelm you with so many posts you can't possibly catch up with so I limited myself over the years as to how much I posted so not to overwhelm you when you do read it.
Wow 15 years old...I remember when I was 15. I really hope your 15 looks very much different than mine as I hope you aren't making some of the mistakes I made at that age and continued to make until I wised up and learned the hard way that my mom (your grandma Sally) was right about everything and I should of minded her all those years I was rebelling her ruling over my life. I sincerely hope you are a good girl and mind your parents. I also hope you are respectful of yourself and others.
I love you both so very much be sure to tell your sister that for me. I really do miss you girls so very much...I want to post videos of you girls on youtube during our visits with Jacqueline Perry the social worker who chomped her gum annoyingly throughout them and scribbled down on her pad of paper when things weren't going too smoothly and then sat there watching as everything was nice and calm and going great...focusing only on the negatives during our visits. and conveniently you girls needed naps so we had a lot of fun during our visits and she had tons of notes to share with court about how bad of a mother I was. I needed guidance and all I got was them making me look bad in court and not conserving my family unit because it was broken because I didn't have a husband and house of my own I had a mother and a sister and we all supported each other and it would of worked...but the grass was greener on the other side of the fence with a stable married couple with lots of money to spare...so you could be spoiled and could have everything you could ever wish to have. I hope that is what happened at least...since it was so much better where you were going verses where you were coming from.
Anyway, I hope you had a great day sweetheart and your dad Kenneth Raymond Fairchild wished you a happy birthday on my facebook. I will keep in contact with him so you can get in touch with him when you come to me. I love you so very much and he does too...and I am sorry I didn't have any idea that you could of been his...and I am sorry the system didn't tell me that dna testing said you were not Bruce Hetzel's daughter. They failed your real dad tremendously by not saying so and allowing me to get in touch with him so he could try to get you since I wasn't going to get you...but they were telling me I was getting you girls back the entire time saying I had everything done and then in court said I refused to do a number of court ordered classes or treatments or whatever it was and they said I was fine then in court said I was faking good on my psych eval...smh...I just can't get over how they railroaded me and your grandmother. I hate that fact that I gave my all and it wasn't good enough or fast enough for the courts to give me you girls back...I need to get the address to write to you girls so it can go into your file...I figure I will write and then link this blog in it so you can read all the posts here...I am just so scared I don't know why but I am working on it with my counselor...I think its the fact that I can never go back and edit anything I say in those letters that I send and I am afraid that what I say may or may not make you want to come find me and I don't want to mess up any of that possibility since there maybe just a small curiosity there to begin with and then my letter may totally throw the small bit out of the water and you won't come find me for many years. I cannot hardly wait until you are 18 and I hope and pray you do seek me out. I really really miss you girls so bad it hurts...I cannot go much longer than that for you to come see me...I want to hold you so bad and I can't...it hurts so bad!
Anyway I will talk to you later I cannot see the screen now as I am crying.
I love you both so very much and miss you so very much!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
dob: 5-1980

To both girls

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn,

Sorry I haven't written in awhile, but lately your brother Dylan has been being quite the drama king and wanting to permanently get rid of a temporary problem. And I've been very discouraged on doing anything. Awhile back I scratched on my wrist to release frustration but it didn't help like I believed it did many years ago when I did it regularly, so I won't be doing that again. I almost ended up divorced because of it, my husband doesn't understand it wasn't an attack on him, nor an attempt to leave him. Anyway. I'm back in counseling, though I think we need marriage and family counseling, so does my counselor...anyway I wanted to drop a note, to let you both know I still think of you every single day multiple times a day, I love you so very much and I really wish I could see you via picture. And I'm sorry I haven't sent anything to your file...I want to be able to edit my things I say to you...like I can here on the blog (even though I haven't edited this blog accept for misspellings and jumble words I come across when I read it). Anyway.
I'm going to my counselor now
Talk to you later
Love you and miss you bunches!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D

Happy birthday Rowsheall

I thought of you all month...I missed River Lyrics birthday too. I'm sorry, I feel as if I'm a broken record in my messages so I've been discouraged from writing and I'm sorry...I do love you and your sister Katelyn so much, I think of you both very often...and its hard for me. I finally found the info to send a letter requesting pictures of you girls. I'm just going to do it...if rejected I guess life will have no other choice but to move on. Hope it doesn't hurt so bad.
Hope it will be granted...I can't stand and haven't been able to stand not being able to see you grown through the years.
Anyway happy birthday sweet baby I hope it was best and you got everything you wanted xoxo. I miss you. I will talk more later...
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Your loving birth mother awaiting your return home to my loving arms xoxo

Just to have these names on my blog somewhere

So if you google your current names Rochelle and Katie hopefully this will show up and you can look through other posts to find out this is about you from me your loving birth mother waiting for you to come home to me

Rochelle birthday is March 29, 1999 and Katie birthday is Aug. 15, 2000
You were taken from me on April 10, 2001 and terminated from me in Aug. 2002 I last seen you Aug 29, 2002 and that was the biggest loss I have experienced in my whole life...me losing you girls.
My name is Rabeka Jo D maiden name starts with F so going to throw out a few names of difference spelling so it can help you maybe find me too. Rebecca Rebecka Rebeka Rabecca Beky Becky Bekey Beckey mommy Becky is what you called me (honestly I hate the name Becky because I'm redneck enough with Rabeka Jo as my name but I allowed my baby girls to call me Becky and you are the ONLY ones who got away with it just so you know how special you are) so hopefully this post will get you here...

Please if you find this post go to the oldest post and work your way to the newest posts so you know I've thought constantly about you throughout the years we been apart and I miss and love you both so very much and cannot wait to see you again soon!

PS to read oldest look on the right of this page scroll down to year dates click the oldest year then oldest month and work your way up through the years and I hope you read it all and know I was wronged but nothing I could do and that I'm waiting for you with my arms wide open and if I only knew how to allow you to come before your 18 I would do it but Lori Chandler won't tell me anything other than for me to write and send stuff to the envelope they have for you...and idk what to send so I am currently hand writing out this blog...but may end up printing and gluing it because my hand can't write anymore like it used to...two paragraphs at a time is so not getting this task done...sorry...but I will get it and send it to that envelope soon as I can...

Anyway I pray this helps you find me...I love you two so very much and miss you so much I can't and haven't stopped thinking about you not ever and I won't talk to you soon I hope!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F) DOB 5-1980

Happy Thanksgiving baby girls

As thanksgiving sneaks up on me...I been thinking about what I'm thankful for...first and foremost I'm glad I had you both and did not abort you and throw you away like a selfish young idiot most people the age I was do. I'm thankful for having all your brothers and sisters too (Dylan, Jack, and River your brothers and Josephine and Evangeline your sisters) I don't think anyone other than me could of handled losing Josephine and River like I did so I'm thankful God trusted me with them to carry out their lives they were written in his book for them to have...I'm very thankful I met and married Johnny...even if he is impatient and always has to get something out of everything which drives me bananas....I'm the giving kind of person...and he is the what do I get out of it? Nothing?! Forget it then...type and yeah so not like me...and I hate that but it is his hard earned money that goes into the gas tank and yeah money I would use to help others out...so I can't do many things I want but that's OK its his money...I'm thankful we were allowed to move back to my childhood home...I'm thankful that the renters we had living here tore things up not burnt the place down like they could have on many occasions (signs of cigarettes being left on shelves and stories of their family living in garage with space heaters smh....so could have happened and I'm so thankful God didn't allow it)....I'm thankful that we were able to fix it up with new flooring and carpet...I'm thankful my husband has a job...I'm thankful I have a sorta job of cleaning my neighbors house...I'm thankful we have my friend and her three kids living in the other house for the winter and they have someplace warm to be and the bills are in their name and are paying the bills...so thankful for that....thankful that we have just enough money to scrape by with our house payments and insurance and bills...thankful we have credit cards to cover the food bill each month...otherwise we would starve...thankful there is food stamps available for people like me but saddened that we probably don't qualify because we have the other house as a resource so instead of renting the house out for money to pay the house payment and insurance on the place...we get to starve if we didn't have our credit cards....thankful we can sell our other house in March and be done with the whole landlord piss-on scene....and stop being taken advantage of...thankful that many people say just holler when we need help to move our two car garage worth of stuff...now if we can swallow our pride and allow it...no one volunteered when asked on Facebook so I assumed no  wanted to help us even if they said hey I'm free next weekend (which I had one lady lined up to help and then she didn't answer her phone and disappeared off the face of the earth go figure) and yeah that would be appreciated....now its cold and going to get icy and snowy and yeah not going to happen...but I'm thankful there is no rush on getting the stuff moved....I'm thankful to be able to help my friend and her kids out...I'm thankful that karma will come back around and bless us...hopefully soon...Christmas is going to be slim pickings this year...probably won't qualify for assistance with that either...but we get Wic and we get free lunches...this is just dumb...
Anyway sorry I've got a lot on my mind...it was Dylans birthday today (11-25-14) he turned 11....its been 12 years since I seen you girls....I'm thankful that you can come and find me when you are 18 I wish you could sooner but stupid case worker Lori Chandler says there isn't anything I can do accept put things in a folder...so I'm trying to hand write this blog into a book to send in...to be honest I'm on the third post from oldest...and it hurts so bad to write (my hand doesn't write well anymore)...so I may see about printing the rest of the blog out (after I finish the third post) and then glue the pages into the book or something...make it super thick though...so idk...hope it won't...anyway that is my game plan and of course a link to this blog to see if I wrote more on it...which I probably will keep writing after I send the book...anyways...love you girls and miss you so very much! Wish you were here to celebrate Thanksgiving with us...an your family too would be very welcomed...I'm so lost without you girls...always have been...I sure hope you do come find me :-( I have health issues that make me hurt so bad still trying to figure out what it is that is going on...hopefully soon they will figure it out and I find relief and get my life back...anyway...I love you we are having my neighbor over for thanksgiving dinner and my husbands mom dad grandma uncle Chris I sure hope comes...Dalton our nephew maybe and maybe his ex girl and her two kids (his daughter her son)...idk no one said they didn't have no where to go for the dinner thing so I assume everyone has a place to be...anyway...I wish more would come...I'm not used to these small functions...my mom had four siblings and each had at least two kids so lots of cousins...anyway...I miss you both and my mom and sister Jami (Jami moved to Arkansas, Grandma Sally died)...I also miss my sister in laws (Lilly moved to Alabama and Melissa died)....but I'm sure thankful I got to know them all...and miss Faith our niece she moved to Alabama with her momma...anyways sorry just unloading my brain and broken heart so its not so heavy this thanksgiving day like it is every year and just more and more heavy as my life trudges on...
Talk to you later...love you both and miss you both so much that words cannot express how much I do...
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F) DOB 5-1980

Before I forget

I wanted to share with you my seven dwarfs explanation.
Rowsheall is grumpy because she always crossed her arms and pouted. Katelyn is happy because she was always happy to see me. Dylan is doc cuz he always seems to try and be the boss. Jack is dopey because he is the class clown and he's funny. Josephine was bashful because she never showed her face on sonogram . River was sleepy because he was born sleeping. And Evangeline she's sneezy because she's always sneezing.

So I have seven dwarves and I love you also very much. I am so excited because we are so close to you guys coming home. I hope to see you guys soon. I love you both very much! I will talk to you later love you bye for now.
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D dob 5-1980

I posted a post on a page on facebook

I really want to look for Rowsheall Kailyn 3-1999 and Katelyn Marie 8-2000 but since they are not of age I just want to get in touch with their adoptive parents Rowsheall was changed to Rochelle and Kaitlyn was changed to Katie social worker who stole them was Lori Chandler...I just want pictures of them...and to know they are alive and well so I can sleep at night...also want to share family health history I recently learned...and to give pictures to replace the copy machine copies I only could afford to get together for them last minute :-( they didn't give me time to get actual copies of the pictures because they assure me the girls were coming home...as they did throughout the process...I have a blog I wrote to the girls on and still write to them on birthdays and holidays and when I just can't stop thinking about them and to update them on what's going on in my life...I miss them and love them so very much...and I'm here opened arms waiting for their 18 yr birthdays which is steadily approaching and I'm so excited! I can't wait to hold you in my arms again! Xoxo Google your names spelt the way I did and you should find my blogger blog...I'm in the process of writing out all the posts may end up printing and gluing them into this book...as my writing skills aren't well...and my hand can't write for very long...but I'm trying...anyway...talk to you soon...my birthday is 5-1980

Its on adoptees reunited page under picture of Kansas I hope it gets something going for me to get pictures and know you are healthy and Alive
Love you I need to go to bed...I just wanted you to know I'm trying ttyl,
Sincerely, your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F) dob 5-1980

We are moving again

Well we are moving back to the house I lived in since I was 6 yes old...and the house we lived in with grandma Sally and aunt Jami and great grandma Delphine...hopefully it will be easier to find me...
Our now ex friends/renters tore up the house so bad that we had to pour too much money into the house to just hand it over to different renters to tear up...so we are moving back...I'm excited cuz we got new floors throughout the house...and I plan to keep the place clutter free so we can have people over...tired of being hermits and not being able to have visitors because of embarrassment of the clutter...anyway...thought I would let you know...I love you and miss you bunches! Can't wait to see you!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F) dob 05*16*1980

Happy 14th birthday

Happy birthday Katelyn! I can't wait until I get to see you again...I miss you and your sister so very much...no words could ever express all the strength in the words I miss you and I love you cause both sayings are the strongest feelings anyone could ever feel...my heart has such a huge hole in it where you girls belong and I really wish I had not been taken advantage of and back stabbed like I was which lead us to lives apart from each other. I hope you have lived a happy wonderful life without me...I felt guilty all these years for feeling happy without you...but I realize that is robbing me and my family I have now...no they deserve to be happy and so do you and so do I...I don't know if you're happy and I don't know if your sister is happy either...but I can't sit here being pessimistic and thinking the worst case scenario like I have in the past...its torturing me. I have to think positive so I can finally be at peace and be able to live my life like I think you are living. And when you do come home to me I will be so happy and open armed ready to hold you in my arms.
I hope you had a wonderful birthday today. There are four more years until you're 18 and are able to come home to me.
I love you and miss you much!
See you soon,
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F) (dob 5-1980)

Happy 15th birthday Rowsheall

Three more years until your old enough to come and find me! I'm do excited I can't believe it's that close! I am still pregnant with baby girl who is due April 12. I keep having random strong contractions she could still come today or any other day. I sorta don't want to have her share your birthday but kinda think it would be neat. Anyway I will write more when I get time we are trying to ready the house for baby girls arrival and got things to do today but I will write more later. I can't picture you 15 and idk what you are into at this age. I miss you so very much and think of you and your sister every waking hour of every single day. I love you so much! I will talk to you later xoxoxo

Sincerely,

Your loving birthmother

Rabeka Jo (F) D dob 5/1980

P.s. I wrote this on your birthday it didn't post I just realized it I did think about you and wrote to you 

Happy Easter baby girls!

Dear girls,

Hope you have a blessed Easter and get to celebrate our savior's resurrection and know the reason for the season is because we all who have fallen short to the glory of God are saved. Xoxo

I hope you enjoy a good Easter egg hunt and are enjoying getting dressed up for this wonderful day. Wonder if you're using make-up by now or not, wonder what you're doing today...going to church? Getting together with family for a feast and festivities? I sure hope you are very happy in your situation, whatever it is.

Love you and miss you both very much and I wish you were here with me your brothers and sister xoxo

Talk to you later,

Sincerely,

Your loving birthmother,

Rabeka Jo (F) D (d.o.b. 05-1980)

Evangeline in her Easter shirt that is size 0-3 months and is too big lol

Mommy and Evangeline 

Dylan and Evangeline 

Jack opening his eggs from the egg hunt we went to yesterday

Your new sister has arrived :-)

Evangeline Nicole D has arrived. She came 4/4/14 at 10:07am weighed 6lbs 10.4oz and was 19.5inches long...she has jondice and I'm breast feeding her and trying to get her to gain weight...so far she got down to 5lbs 13oz and is now back up to 6lbs 2oz but today she weighed 6lbs again but think it was difference in scales cuz one was at doctors office (6 2) and the other was at Wic. Anyway she reminds me of both you girls even of you were smaller than her. You were 5lbs 9oz Rowsheall and you were 5 9.5oz Katelyn. She is so tiny you were 19 inches long both of you...I know you got to this size at some point...I am praying she starts gaining weight soon because I don't want to supplement with formula which I have need doing a little...anyway just thought I would share the good news of her safe arrival xoxo here is a pic of her xoxo

Can't wait to see you girls! Love you miss you so very much! Going to try and sleep...gn

Sincerely,

Your loving birthmother 

Rabeka Jo (F) D

Ps your brothers are thrilled to have a sister at home. And Johnny and I are happy as well. I can't believe she is finally here and I actually got to take her home. God is great isn't He?! Praise The Lord we made it through and are home enjoying life with a new baby best we can. Anyway love you both so much! Love you and miss you! Talk to you again soon xoxo