Dear Both Girls,
It has been 12 years 11 months and 18 days since I last seen you girls. That is 4,735 days or 113,644 hours.
I have 1 year 7 months and 12 days until Rowsheall is 18 years old!
I have 2 years 11 months and 29 days until Katelyn is 18 years old!
I am in the home stretch for you girls to come home to me and I will hold you and kiss you and hug you and never want to let you go again! I am so excited!
Anyways I am so excited! I had to share my excitement!
Sincerely,
Your loving and eager birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
dob 5-1980
Sunday, August 16, 2015
Happy Birthday Katelyn! You are 15 yay 3 more years until you can come find me!
Hey baby girl yes I am a day late but doesn't mean I didn't think of you all day yesterday which I did, I just didn't have the time to jot you a note on here, its been chaotic around here with school getting ready to start and us trying to get our other house rented so hopefully in the end it can be purchased and we can be done with the whole renting scene as we are totally done with that. Anyways. I hope your day was most special of all and continues to get better over the many years to come. I love you and your sister so very much it hurts so bad that I cannot touch you and hold you and wish you a Happy birthday in person. My heart aches to hear your voice and see your faces, we are getting closer to your 18th birthdays and I can hardly wait! I hope you do seek me out. I hope you find this blog and know that not one single day went by that I did not think of you I just don't want to overwhelm you with so many posts you can't possibly catch up with so I limited myself over the years as to how much I posted so not to overwhelm you when you do read it.
Wow 15 years old...I remember when I was 15. I really hope your 15 looks very much different than mine as I hope you aren't making some of the mistakes I made at that age and continued to make until I wised up and learned the hard way that my mom (your grandma Sally) was right about everything and I should of minded her all those years I was rebelling her ruling over my life. I sincerely hope you are a good girl and mind your parents. I also hope you are respectful of yourself and others.
I love you both so very much be sure to tell your sister that for me. I really do miss you girls so very much...I want to post videos of you girls on youtube during our visits with Jacqueline Perry the social worker who chomped her gum annoyingly throughout them and scribbled down on her pad of paper when things weren't going too smoothly and then sat there watching as everything was nice and calm and going great...focusing only on the negatives during our visits. and conveniently you girls needed naps so we had a lot of fun during our visits and she had tons of notes to share with court about how bad of a mother I was. I needed guidance and all I got was them making me look bad in court and not conserving my family unit because it was broken because I didn't have a husband and house of my own I had a mother and a sister and we all supported each other and it would of worked...but the grass was greener on the other side of the fence with a stable married couple with lots of money to spare...so you could be spoiled and could have everything you could ever wish to have. I hope that is what happened at least...since it was so much better where you were going verses where you were coming from.
Anyway, I hope you had a great day sweetheart and your dad Kenneth Raymond Fairchild wished you a happy birthday on my facebook. I will keep in contact with him so you can get in touch with him when you come to me. I love you so very much and he does too...and I am sorry I didn't have any idea that you could of been his...and I am sorry the system didn't tell me that dna testing said you were not Bruce Hetzel's daughter. They failed your real dad tremendously by not saying so and allowing me to get in touch with him so he could try to get you since I wasn't going to get you...but they were telling me I was getting you girls back the entire time saying I had everything done and then in court said I refused to do a number of court ordered classes or treatments or whatever it was and they said I was fine then in court said I was faking good on my psych eval...smh...I just can't get over how they railroaded me and your grandmother. I hate that fact that I gave my all and it wasn't good enough or fast enough for the courts to give me you girls back...I need to get the address to write to you girls so it can go into your file...I figure I will write and then link this blog in it so you can read all the posts here...I am just so scared I don't know why but I am working on it with my counselor...I think its the fact that I can never go back and edit anything I say in those letters that I send and I am afraid that what I say may or may not make you want to come find me and I don't want to mess up any of that possibility since there maybe just a small curiosity there to begin with and then my letter may totally throw the small bit out of the water and you won't come find me for many years. I cannot hardly wait until you are 18 and I hope and pray you do seek me out. I really really miss you girls so bad it hurts...I cannot go much longer than that for you to come see me...I want to hold you so bad and I can't...it hurts so bad!
Anyway I will talk to you later I cannot see the screen now as I am crying.
I love you both so very much and miss you so very much!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
dob: 5-1980
Wow 15 years old...I remember when I was 15. I really hope your 15 looks very much different than mine as I hope you aren't making some of the mistakes I made at that age and continued to make until I wised up and learned the hard way that my mom (your grandma Sally) was right about everything and I should of minded her all those years I was rebelling her ruling over my life. I sincerely hope you are a good girl and mind your parents. I also hope you are respectful of yourself and others.
I love you both so very much be sure to tell your sister that for me. I really do miss you girls so very much...I want to post videos of you girls on youtube during our visits with Jacqueline Perry the social worker who chomped her gum annoyingly throughout them and scribbled down on her pad of paper when things weren't going too smoothly and then sat there watching as everything was nice and calm and going great...focusing only on the negatives during our visits. and conveniently you girls needed naps so we had a lot of fun during our visits and she had tons of notes to share with court about how bad of a mother I was. I needed guidance and all I got was them making me look bad in court and not conserving my family unit because it was broken because I didn't have a husband and house of my own I had a mother and a sister and we all supported each other and it would of worked...but the grass was greener on the other side of the fence with a stable married couple with lots of money to spare...so you could be spoiled and could have everything you could ever wish to have. I hope that is what happened at least...since it was so much better where you were going verses where you were coming from.
Anyway, I hope you had a great day sweetheart and your dad Kenneth Raymond Fairchild wished you a happy birthday on my facebook. I will keep in contact with him so you can get in touch with him when you come to me. I love you so very much and he does too...and I am sorry I didn't have any idea that you could of been his...and I am sorry the system didn't tell me that dna testing said you were not Bruce Hetzel's daughter. They failed your real dad tremendously by not saying so and allowing me to get in touch with him so he could try to get you since I wasn't going to get you...but they were telling me I was getting you girls back the entire time saying I had everything done and then in court said I refused to do a number of court ordered classes or treatments or whatever it was and they said I was fine then in court said I was faking good on my psych eval...smh...I just can't get over how they railroaded me and your grandmother. I hate that fact that I gave my all and it wasn't good enough or fast enough for the courts to give me you girls back...I need to get the address to write to you girls so it can go into your file...I figure I will write and then link this blog in it so you can read all the posts here...I am just so scared I don't know why but I am working on it with my counselor...I think its the fact that I can never go back and edit anything I say in those letters that I send and I am afraid that what I say may or may not make you want to come find me and I don't want to mess up any of that possibility since there maybe just a small curiosity there to begin with and then my letter may totally throw the small bit out of the water and you won't come find me for many years. I cannot hardly wait until you are 18 and I hope and pray you do seek me out. I really really miss you girls so bad it hurts...I cannot go much longer than that for you to come see me...I want to hold you so bad and I can't...it hurts so bad!
Anyway I will talk to you later I cannot see the screen now as I am crying.
I love you both so very much and miss you so very much!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
dob: 5-1980
Wednesday, June 10, 2015
To both girls
Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn,
Sorry I haven't written in awhile, but lately your brother Dylan has been being quite the drama king and wanting to permanently get rid of a temporary problem. And I've been very discouraged on doing anything. Awhile back I scratched on my wrist to release frustration but it didn't help like I believed it did many years ago when I did it regularly, so I won't be doing that again. I almost ended up divorced because of it, my husband doesn't understand it wasn't an attack on him, nor an attempt to leave him. Anyway. I'm back in counseling, though I think we need marriage and family counseling, so does my counselor...anyway I wanted to drop a note, to let you both know I still think of you every single day multiple times a day, I love you so very much and I really wish I could see you via picture. And I'm sorry I haven't sent anything to your file...I want to be able to edit my things I say to you...like I can here on the blog (even though I haven't edited this blog accept for misspellings and jumble words I come across when I read it). Anyway.
I'm going to my counselor now
Talk to you later
Love you and miss you bunches!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Friday, April 03, 2015
Happy birthday Rowsheall
I thought of you all month...I missed River Lyrics birthday too. I'm sorry, I feel as if I'm a broken record in my messages so I've been discouraged from writing and I'm sorry...I do love you and your sister Katelyn so much, I think of you both very often...and its hard for me. I finally found the info to send a letter requesting pictures of you girls. I'm just going to do it...if rejected I guess life will have no other choice but to move on. Hope it doesn't hurt so bad.
Hope it will be granted...I can't stand and haven't been able to stand not being able to see you grown through the years.
Anyway happy birthday sweet baby I hope it was best and you got everything you wanted xoxo. I miss you. I will talk more later...
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Your loving birth mother awaiting your return home to my loving arms xoxo
Tuesday, November 25, 2014
Just to have these names on my blog somewhere
So if you google your current names Rochelle and Katie hopefully this will show up and you can look through other posts to find out this is about you from me your loving birth mother waiting for you to come home to me
Rochelle birthday is March 29, 1999 and Katie birthday is Aug. 15, 2000
You were taken from me on April 10, 2001 and terminated from me in Aug. 2002 I last seen you Aug 29, 2002 and that was the biggest loss I have experienced in my whole life...me losing you girls.
My name is Rabeka Jo D maiden name starts with F so going to throw out a few names of difference spelling so it can help you maybe find me too. Rebecca Rebecka Rebeka Rabecca Beky Becky Bekey Beckey mommy Becky is what you called me (honestly I hate the name Becky because I'm redneck enough with Rabeka Jo as my name but I allowed my baby girls to call me Becky and you are the ONLY ones who got away with it just so you know how special you are) so hopefully this post will get you here...
Please if you find this post go to the oldest post and work your way to the newest posts so you know I've thought constantly about you throughout the years we been apart and I miss and love you both so very much and cannot wait to see you again soon!
PS to read oldest look on the right of this page scroll down to year dates click the oldest year then oldest month and work your way up through the years and I hope you read it all and know I was wronged but nothing I could do and that I'm waiting for you with my arms wide open and if I only knew how to allow you to come before your 18 I would do it but Lori Chandler won't tell me anything other than for me to write and send stuff to the envelope they have for you...and idk what to send so I am currently hand writing out this blog...but may end up printing and gluing it because my hand can't write anymore like it used to...two paragraphs at a time is so not getting this task done...sorry...but I will get it and send it to that envelope soon as I can...
Anyway I pray this helps you find me...I love you two so very much and miss you so much I can't and haven't stopped thinking about you not ever and I won't talk to you soon I hope!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F) DOB 5-1980
Happy Thanksgiving baby girls
As thanksgiving sneaks up on me...I been thinking about what I'm thankful for...first and foremost I'm glad I had you both and did not abort you and throw you away like a selfish young idiot most people the age I was do. I'm thankful for having all your brothers and sisters too (Dylan, Jack, and River your brothers and Josephine and Evangeline your sisters) I don't think anyone other than me could of handled losing Josephine and River like I did so I'm thankful God trusted me with them to carry out their lives they were written in his book for them to have...I'm very thankful I met and married Johnny...even if he is impatient and always has to get something out of everything which drives me bananas....I'm the giving kind of person...and he is the what do I get out of it? Nothing?! Forget it then...type and yeah so not like me...and I hate that but it is his hard earned money that goes into the gas tank and yeah money I would use to help others out...so I can't do many things I want but that's OK its his money...I'm thankful we were allowed to move back to my childhood home...I'm thankful that the renters we had living here tore things up not burnt the place down like they could have on many occasions (signs of cigarettes being left on shelves and stories of their family living in garage with space heaters smh....so could have happened and I'm so thankful God didn't allow it)....I'm thankful that we were able to fix it up with new flooring and carpet...I'm thankful my husband has a job...I'm thankful I have a sorta job of cleaning my neighbors house...I'm thankful we have my friend and her three kids living in the other house for the winter and they have someplace warm to be and the bills are in their name and are paying the bills...so thankful for that....thankful that we have just enough money to scrape by with our house payments and insurance and bills...thankful we have credit cards to cover the food bill each month...otherwise we would starve...thankful there is food stamps available for people like me but saddened that we probably don't qualify because we have the other house as a resource so instead of renting the house out for money to pay the house payment and insurance on the place...we get to starve if we didn't have our credit cards....thankful we can sell our other house in March and be done with the whole landlord piss-on scene....and stop being taken advantage of...thankful that many people say just holler when we need help to move our two car garage worth of stuff...now if we can swallow our pride and allow it...no one volunteered when asked on Facebook so I assumed no wanted to help us even if they said hey I'm free next weekend (which I had one lady lined up to help and then she didn't answer her phone and disappeared off the face of the earth go figure) and yeah that would be appreciated....now its cold and going to get icy and snowy and yeah not going to happen...but I'm thankful there is no rush on getting the stuff moved....I'm thankful to be able to help my friend and her kids out...I'm thankful that karma will come back around and bless us...hopefully soon...Christmas is going to be slim pickings this year...probably won't qualify for assistance with that either...but we get Wic and we get free lunches...this is just dumb...
Anyway sorry I've got a lot on my mind...it was Dylans birthday today (11-25-14) he turned 11....its been 12 years since I seen you girls....I'm thankful that you can come and find me when you are 18 I wish you could sooner but stupid case worker Lori Chandler says there isn't anything I can do accept put things in a folder...so I'm trying to hand write this blog into a book to send in...to be honest I'm on the third post from oldest...and it hurts so bad to write (my hand doesn't write well anymore)...so I may see about printing the rest of the blog out (after I finish the third post) and then glue the pages into the book or something...make it super thick though...so idk...hope it won't...anyway that is my game plan and of course a link to this blog to see if I wrote more on it...which I probably will keep writing after I send the book...anyways...love you girls and miss you so very much! Wish you were here to celebrate Thanksgiving with us...an your family too would be very welcomed...I'm so lost without you girls...always have been...I sure hope you do come find me :-( I have health issues that make me hurt so bad still trying to figure out what it is that is going on...hopefully soon they will figure it out and I find relief and get my life back...anyway...I love you we are having my neighbor over for thanksgiving dinner and my husbands mom dad grandma uncle Chris I sure hope comes...Dalton our nephew maybe and maybe his ex girl and her two kids (his daughter her son)...idk no one said they didn't have no where to go for the dinner thing so I assume everyone has a place to be...anyway...I wish more would come...I'm not used to these small functions...my mom had four siblings and each had at least two kids so lots of cousins...anyway...I miss you both and my mom and sister Jami (Jami moved to Arkansas, Grandma Sally died)...I also miss my sister in laws (Lilly moved to Alabama and Melissa died)....but I'm sure thankful I got to know them all...and miss Faith our niece she moved to Alabama with her momma...anyways sorry just unloading my brain and broken heart so its not so heavy this thanksgiving day like it is every year and just more and more heavy as my life trudges on...
Talk to you later...love you both and miss you both so much that words cannot express how much I do...
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F) DOB 5-1980
Thursday, October 16, 2014
Before I forget
I wanted to share with you my seven dwarfs explanation.
Rowsheall is grumpy because she always crossed her arms and pouted. Katelyn is happy because she was always happy to see me. Dylan is doc cuz he always seems to try and be the boss. Jack is dopey because he is the class clown and he's funny. Josephine was bashful because she never showed her face on sonogram . River was sleepy because he was born sleeping. And Evangeline she's sneezy because she's always sneezing.
So I have seven dwarves and I love you also very much. I am so excited because we are so close to you guys coming home. I hope to see you guys soon. I love you both very much! I will talk to you later love you bye for now.
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D dob 5-1980
Tuesday, September 02, 2014
I posted a post on a page on facebook
I really want to look for Rowsheall Kailyn 3-1999 and Katelyn Marie 8-2000 but since they are not of age I just want to get in touch with their adoptive parents Rowsheall was changed to Rochelle and Kaitlyn was changed to Katie social worker who stole them was Lori Chandler...I just want pictures of them...and to know they are alive and well so I can sleep at night...also want to share family health history I recently learned...and to give pictures to replace the copy machine copies I only could afford to get together for them last minute :-( they didn't give me time to get actual copies of the pictures because they assure me the girls were coming home...as they did throughout the process...I have a blog I wrote to the girls on and still write to them on birthdays and holidays and when I just can't stop thinking about them and to update them on what's going on in my life...I miss them and love them so very much...and I'm here opened arms waiting for their 18 yr birthdays which is steadily approaching and I'm so excited! I can't wait to hold you in my arms again! Xoxo Google your names spelt the way I did and you should find my blogger blog...I'm in the process of writing out all the posts may end up printing and gluing them into this book...as my writing skills aren't well...and my hand can't write for very long...but I'm trying...anyway...talk to you soon...my birthday is 5-1980
Its on adoptees reunited page under picture of Kansas I hope it gets something going for me to get pictures and know you are healthy and Alive
Love you I need to go to bed...I just wanted you to know I'm trying ttyl,
Sincerely, your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F) dob 5-1980
Saturday, August 30, 2014
We are moving again
Well we are moving back to the house I lived in since I was 6 yes old...and the house we lived in with grandma Sally and aunt Jami and great grandma Delphine...hopefully it will be easier to find me...
Our now ex friends/renters tore up the house so bad that we had to pour too much money into the house to just hand it over to different renters to tear up...so we are moving back...I'm excited cuz we got new floors throughout the house...and I plan to keep the place clutter free so we can have people over...tired of being hermits and not being able to have visitors because of embarrassment of the clutter...anyway...thought I would let you know...I love you and miss you bunches! Can't wait to see you!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F) dob 05*16*1980
Friday, August 15, 2014
Happy 14th birthday
Happy birthday Katelyn! I can't wait until I get to see you again...I miss you and your sister so very much...no words could ever express all the strength in the words I miss you and I love you cause both sayings are the strongest feelings anyone could ever feel...my heart has such a huge hole in it where you girls belong and I really wish I had not been taken advantage of and back stabbed like I was which lead us to lives apart from each other. I hope you have lived a happy wonderful life without me...I felt guilty all these years for feeling happy without you...but I realize that is robbing me and my family I have now...no they deserve to be happy and so do you and so do I...I don't know if you're happy and I don't know if your sister is happy either...but I can't sit here being pessimistic and thinking the worst case scenario like I have in the past...its torturing me. I have to think positive so I can finally be at peace and be able to live my life like I think you are living. And when you do come home to me I will be so happy and open armed ready to hold you in my arms.
I hope you had a wonderful birthday today. There are four more years until you're 18 and are able to come home to me.
I love you and miss you much!
See you soon,
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F) (dob 5-1980)
Sunday, April 20, 2014
Happy 15th birthday Rowsheall
Three more years until your old enough to come and find me! I'm do excited I can't believe it's that close! I am still pregnant with baby girl who is due April 12. I keep having random strong contractions she could still come today or any other day. I sorta don't want to have her share your birthday but kinda think it would be neat. Anyway I will write more when I get time we are trying to ready the house for baby girls arrival and got things to do today but I will write more later. I can't picture you 15 and idk what you are into at this age. I miss you so very much and think of you and your sister every waking hour of every single day. I love you so much! I will talk to you later xoxoxo
Sincerely,
Your loving birthmother
Rabeka Jo (F) D dob 5/1980
P.s. I wrote this on your birthday it didn't post I just realized it I did think about you and wrote to you
Happy Easter baby girls!
Dear girls,
Jack opening his eggs from the egg hunt we went to yesterday
Hope you have a blessed Easter and get to celebrate our savior's resurrection and know the reason for the season is because we all who have fallen short to the glory of God are saved. Xoxo
I hope you enjoy a good Easter egg hunt and are enjoying getting dressed up for this wonderful day. Wonder if you're using make-up by now or not, wonder what you're doing today...going to church? Getting together with family for a feast and festivities? I sure hope you are very happy in your situation, whatever it is.
Love you and miss you both very much and I wish you were here with me your brothers and sister xoxo
Talk to you later,
Sincerely,
Your loving birthmother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D (d.o.b. 05-1980)
Evangeline in her Easter shirt that is size 0-3 months and is too big lol
Mommy and Evangeline
Dylan and Evangeline
Thursday, April 17, 2014
Your new sister has arrived :-)
Can't wait to see you girls! Love you miss you so very much! Going to try and sleep...gn
Sincerely,
Your loving birthmother
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Ps your brothers are thrilled to have a sister at home. And Johnny and I are happy as well. I can't believe she is finally here and I actually got to take her home. God is great isn't He?! Praise The Lord we made it through and are home enjoying life with a new baby best we can. Anyway love you both so much! Love you and miss you! Talk to you again soon xoxo
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
Can't stop thinking bout you
I had a memory of Rowsheall on your second birthday when we were singing to you happy birthday and you sang along singing "happy to me happy to me" over and over. Precious child why didn't I see you for the blessing you were even if I was frustrated and sleep deprived and couldn't understand your inability to understand why leaving baby Katelyn alone to sleep was a good thing to do so mom and you could have one on one time...but why didn't anyone help me understand this was fine and this is how to cope with it...whatever that was....Katelyn you used to get this expression of eyebrows rise mouth in Oh shape whenever I came into view of you...this was prior to your removal and it was so hard on our first visit simply because I expected this excited baby girl to be excited to see me her mom and there you were crying for your mom the whole hour first visit and I was devastated...I'm sorry girls I let you down...now I'm unable to get pictures and hope you find me in three to four years not many more after that cuz I don't think I or your brothers can wait long after that...they can't wait until you come and rejoin our family in three years Rowsheall and you Katelyn in four years...they keep asking about you girls...I cry over you girls just as if it happened yesterday...you were and will always be my worst loss I've lost in my life and I will say that until the day I die.
I miss you both so terribly much! And cannot wait to see you again hopefully soon! Love you so much it hurts!
Ttyl
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo F (D) your loving birth mother who is patiently waiting for your 18th birthdays Rowsheall march 2017 and Katelyn aug 2018 (my dob 5/1980) xoxoxo
Thursday, January 02, 2014
Happy new year baby girls! Mommy misses you!
Hope you got to stay up late and bang pots and pans to ring in the New Years like me and the boys did. Also put together a puzzle like we always did for as long as I can remember (my mom, me, my sister, and sometimes our two cousins). I picked an angel shaped puzzle with tiny angels all over. It's a gorgeous puzzle but very difficult. But I had fun doing it.
Anyways, love you both so very much here is to a blessed year for us all and I pray we get to be apart of each others lives soon! I miss you so very much it hurts so bad! I will say this until the day I die, losing you two girls is and will always be my hardest loss I've faced in my whole life. Josie your sisters death, River Lyric your brother who was still born, and your grandma Sally's death after a long fight against breast and skin cancer. I cry as if I lost you yesterday when I speak of our wrongful ruling. When I tell my side of the story, I know people think I had to of done something wrong to have you both removed and adopted out to strangers to me. But I really seriously don't see or feel I did anything to deserve this horrible loss. I really don't think removing children from their homes is a solution to any problem. I think they should house the whole unit in a facility or move in a supervisor into the home of the family. Cameras or human being. Help "preserve the family unit" as they are supposed to be doing, but failed to do that for us as a family unit. Grass was greener on the other side of the fence, sure I was scraping by, but you both were fed, clothed, and had a roof over your head. My best wasn't good enough. I starved so you could eat at times when money got really tight. I hope and pray you understand my side of the story, and never doubt me and how I seen the whole case unfold and destroyed my life.
Anyway,
Love you both so much and your brothers, dad (Johnny my husband), and I can't wait to meet you!
I miss you so very much!
Talk to later,
With love,
Your loving biological mother who is waiting with her arms wide open for your return home,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Thursday, November 21, 2013
Place your bets
Having my seventh and final baby well third for here with me anyways place your bets here http://bellybets.com/gameboard-main-1002520 no prizes just fun :-) enjoy!
Friday, October 25, 2013
Halloween is coming up...
Hello girls,
I was just thinking about you girls and wonder if you are too old now to dress up for Halloween or not and if not what you would be this year...
I also had a fun fact for Rowsheall not sure if I said it before or not but here it is...you were almost named Meesha Katrina Lyn H. how crazy would that of been? Rowsheall I was going to nick name you Shelby later in your life but never got the chance...you dad Bruce called you Critter while you were in mommy's tummy.
Katelyn I had help from my sister Jami Lyn and mom, and best friend Lisa Marie...with your name and pretty much was sold on your name first time we decided what it would be a combination of my sister and best friend's names...
I love you girls so very much and miss you so much, I can't wait to see you again...
I also have some good news and ask for positive prayers not prayers that say don't and cancel out negative words...I ask for prayers that say what we want and that is to have a happy healthy living breathing baby that will stay here with the living on earth for a long life....yes that is right April 12, 2014 I am due to have another baby. We don't know what it is yet, and have a detailed sonogram coming up that hopefully will tell us that and that its a healthy happy baby. I am excited. No matter what happens this will be my last baby I am to get fixed so I can't have any more after this happy ending or not. My body won't make it through another baby after this...and I am hoping it will make it through this last one.
Rowsheall you were due April 10, 1999 I had you March 29th instead...Katelyn you were due Aug 10, 2000 I think and was actually born the 15th...you have two brothers with me waiting to meet you and a sister and brother in heaven waiting to meet you too along with grandma Sally...I hope this baby will be here also waiting for you to meet you...I will keep you posted.
I love you miss you and can't wait to hold you again...you were and always will be my biggest loss I have experienced in my life...and nothing my life can throw at me will ever change the way I feel about the situation that led us lives apart.
Sincerely,
your loving birth mother who is waiting with open arms,
Rabeka Jo (F) D xoxoxo
I was just thinking about you girls and wonder if you are too old now to dress up for Halloween or not and if not what you would be this year...
I also had a fun fact for Rowsheall not sure if I said it before or not but here it is...you were almost named Meesha Katrina Lyn H. how crazy would that of been? Rowsheall I was going to nick name you Shelby later in your life but never got the chance...you dad Bruce called you Critter while you were in mommy's tummy.
Katelyn I had help from my sister Jami Lyn and mom, and best friend Lisa Marie...with your name and pretty much was sold on your name first time we decided what it would be a combination of my sister and best friend's names...
I love you girls so very much and miss you so much, I can't wait to see you again...
I also have some good news and ask for positive prayers not prayers that say don't and cancel out negative words...I ask for prayers that say what we want and that is to have a happy healthy living breathing baby that will stay here with the living on earth for a long life....yes that is right April 12, 2014 I am due to have another baby. We don't know what it is yet, and have a detailed sonogram coming up that hopefully will tell us that and that its a healthy happy baby. I am excited. No matter what happens this will be my last baby I am to get fixed so I can't have any more after this happy ending or not. My body won't make it through another baby after this...and I am hoping it will make it through this last one.
Rowsheall you were due April 10, 1999 I had you March 29th instead...Katelyn you were due Aug 10, 2000 I think and was actually born the 15th...you have two brothers with me waiting to meet you and a sister and brother in heaven waiting to meet you too along with grandma Sally...I hope this baby will be here also waiting for you to meet you...I will keep you posted.
I love you miss you and can't wait to hold you again...you were and always will be my biggest loss I have experienced in my life...and nothing my life can throw at me will ever change the way I feel about the situation that led us lives apart.
Sincerely,
your loving birth mother who is waiting with open arms,
Rabeka Jo (F) D xoxoxo
Thursday, August 15, 2013
Happy birthday Katelyn!
Dear Katelyn,
Wow you're 13?! Can't imagine you that big I still see you holding your feet swinging them around in your diapers and your little top knot hair do up do the foster mom always put you girls in...man you're a teenager now! I'm a mom to two teenagers? Wow how did that happen?! I blinked I guess.
I hope you had a wonderful birthday today and got surrounded by your family and friends and had cake and ice cream and got everything you wanted for your birthday.
I miss you and your sister so much it hurts every waking moment of every single day and I'm counting on in five years you coming home to me! Only five more years then I get to hold you in my arms again?! I can't wait! The last 11 years has flown by so five years is nothing compared to what it's been! I can't wait! And I'm sorry if I can't let you go for a long time when I do finally get to hold you again in my arms...but I won't be able to help myself!
I love you so much! I can't wait to see you and your sister soon!
Talk to you again soon!
Sincerely,
Your loving biological mother who is waiting with her arms stretched wide for your return home to me!
Rabeka Jo D (F) dob 5/1980
Saturday, March 30, 2013
Happy Easter Baby Girls
Dear Rowsheall Kailyn and Katelyn Marie,
Happy Easter baby Girls Mommy hopes you have a wonderful day today hunting eggs with your family and friends and eating a Easter Feast and maybe even going to church service and learning about the reason why we celebrate today...I can't believe it's our 11th Easter away from each other but it is...I hope all those Easters before was wonderful for you also...the boys are ready to hunt eggs in the morning...and then have a feast tomorrow with our family (Drew family) It will no doubt be empty without you girls, my mom Sally (your grandma), and Dylan and Jack's Aunt Melissa (I guess she is your aunt too because mommy is married to her brother) Anyway babies I hate to leave this short, I just wanted to drop a quick line to you both...Love you so very much miss you terribly bad...I can't wait to see you in 4/5 years maybe 6 I hope not too much longer after 6 if it has to be postponed...anyway...I love you both so very much! I can't wait really I can't...
Love you so much see you soon!
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
p.s. Mommy is having trouble with her legs hurting badly...they ruled out all muscle diseases by doing a biopsy on her leg muscle...everything is normal far as muscles go...so next I guess we go to a back specialist and see if it is related to my lower back being bent over and over again my legs do tend to get worse...anyway....in Sad news Katelyn's grandma on her Dad Kenneth Raymond Fairchild's side passed away awhile ago and it was sad because she never got to meet you just like your dad never met you because I was so sure that Bruce was your father and for that I can never forgive myself...and I don't expect anyone else to forgive me...anyway I love you both I hope your dad is still around Katelyn when you come find me so you can see him and get to know him also...he is a really nice guy and why I didn't stay with him I may never know...I guess I was meant to be with Johnny...even if I struggle with some of my pet peves day to day...I just take it one day at a time...least I can do with all I have done through our 10 year marriage...(this July 2013 will be 10 years)...Anyways talk to you later and see you soon! Love you both!
To my Sweet 14 year old daughter
Dear Rowsheall Kailyn,
Mommy keeps writing the same things over and over again on how much I miss you dearly and how much I love you so very much...but the pain still aches to see your face and touch you and hold you once more...it hurts so bad...I cry just thinking about our reunion in four years maybe five depending on if you wait until your sister is old enough...which I understand if you do decide to wait for her to be able to also see me and let me hold her also...I hope you had a wonderful Birthday yesterday...sorry I didn't write that day but I thought of you throughout the day and day dreamed of you being surrounded by all your loving family and friends maybe even a sleep over with your best friend or two...I wish I could have been there for you...I can't imagine you being 14 (same things I say every year I know but I really can't imagine you being any older than 3 when I last saw you)...I wish I could see you now but I know that isn't possible...especially now that laws changed when we got a new government runner person...they screwed me just as the system that took you screwed me...I called Lori she told me I could send stuff to someone in town and they would send it to Topeka and put it in a file for you when you turn 18 and come searching for me...thats all I can do...I will send this blog info to that folder and if I have the time and money to print this entire blog off and send it I will but it maybe more difficult than I think...because I lack that motivation to do all that with the doubt that comes to mind when I think of you turning 18 and don't come looking for me which I know is a possibility but I can only hope and keep dreaming that you do seek me out like I told you could once you turned 18...we counted stuffed animals to 18 on Aug 29, 2002 on our last visit...you were very confused about what I meant and I am not sure how long it took you to realize you wouldn't be able to see me again until your 18...I hope you don't hate me...I hope you have the good day dreams I have where your happy, healthy and have everything your heart desires...
The boys Dylan and Jack your brothers are very excited to see you in 4 years...they are sad that they won't be able to before hand in pictures or whatever the adoptive parents would allow you to be involved in our lives...heart breaking really...they definitely don't make my life very easy sometimes because they want so badly to see you both they cry and make me cry too and we cry together...
I called Lori Chandler through SRS the lady who handled our case...she checked for loops for me to be able to get pictures of you girls but there were none...they changed everything...so I am stuck not knowing what you look like or who you have become or what you like or anything until you come find me and bless our lives with us being able to finally know you and be there for you...
Anyway, I hope your day was Blessed with everyone and everything your heart desires (sorry if I am the one you lacked today as being someone you wanted there for your birthday I would be there if I could baby) If I had the chance I would jump on the opportunity to come and be there for you I would in a heartbeat!
Love you so very much and miss you terribly bad....I can't wait I am about to count the days until your 18th birthday with paper rings (like you may have done in school) but 365x4 would be 1,540 rings and that is a bit long of a chain I will definitely will do one with one year to go and hope I can keep remembering to tear off each ring as days go by but I am sure with the eagerness of it all I will no doubt remember and wish I could tear more than one off to bring you closer to your 18th birthday so we can see each other again...I love you so much I will talk to you again later...
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Mommy keeps writing the same things over and over again on how much I miss you dearly and how much I love you so very much...but the pain still aches to see your face and touch you and hold you once more...it hurts so bad...I cry just thinking about our reunion in four years maybe five depending on if you wait until your sister is old enough...which I understand if you do decide to wait for her to be able to also see me and let me hold her also...I hope you had a wonderful Birthday yesterday...sorry I didn't write that day but I thought of you throughout the day and day dreamed of you being surrounded by all your loving family and friends maybe even a sleep over with your best friend or two...I wish I could have been there for you...I can't imagine you being 14 (same things I say every year I know but I really can't imagine you being any older than 3 when I last saw you)...I wish I could see you now but I know that isn't possible...especially now that laws changed when we got a new government runner person...they screwed me just as the system that took you screwed me...I called Lori she told me I could send stuff to someone in town and they would send it to Topeka and put it in a file for you when you turn 18 and come searching for me...thats all I can do...I will send this blog info to that folder and if I have the time and money to print this entire blog off and send it I will but it maybe more difficult than I think...because I lack that motivation to do all that with the doubt that comes to mind when I think of you turning 18 and don't come looking for me which I know is a possibility but I can only hope and keep dreaming that you do seek me out like I told you could once you turned 18...we counted stuffed animals to 18 on Aug 29, 2002 on our last visit...you were very confused about what I meant and I am not sure how long it took you to realize you wouldn't be able to see me again until your 18...I hope you don't hate me...I hope you have the good day dreams I have where your happy, healthy and have everything your heart desires...
The boys Dylan and Jack your brothers are very excited to see you in 4 years...they are sad that they won't be able to before hand in pictures or whatever the adoptive parents would allow you to be involved in our lives...heart breaking really...they definitely don't make my life very easy sometimes because they want so badly to see you both they cry and make me cry too and we cry together...
I called Lori Chandler through SRS the lady who handled our case...she checked for loops for me to be able to get pictures of you girls but there were none...they changed everything...so I am stuck not knowing what you look like or who you have become or what you like or anything until you come find me and bless our lives with us being able to finally know you and be there for you...
Anyway, I hope your day was Blessed with everyone and everything your heart desires (sorry if I am the one you lacked today as being someone you wanted there for your birthday I would be there if I could baby) If I had the chance I would jump on the opportunity to come and be there for you I would in a heartbeat!
Love you so very much and miss you terribly bad....I can't wait I am about to count the days until your 18th birthday with paper rings (like you may have done in school) but 365x4 would be 1,540 rings and that is a bit long of a chain I will definitely will do one with one year to go and hope I can keep remembering to tear off each ring as days go by but I am sure with the eagerness of it all I will no doubt remember and wish I could tear more than one off to bring you closer to your 18th birthday so we can see each other again...I love you so much I will talk to you again later...
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
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