Happy new year baby girls! Mommy misses you!

Hope you got to stay up late and bang pots and pans to ring in the New Years like me and the boys did. Also put together a puzzle like we always did for as long as I can remember (my mom, me, my sister, and sometimes our two cousins). I picked an angel shaped puzzle with tiny angels all over. It's a gorgeous puzzle but very difficult. But I had fun doing it.

Anyways, love you both so very much here is to a blessed year for us all and I pray we get to be apart of each others lives soon! I miss you so very much it hurts so bad! I will say this until the day I die, losing you two girls is and will always be my hardest loss I've faced in my whole life. Josie your sisters death, River Lyric your brother who was still born, and your grandma Sally's death after a long fight against breast and skin cancer. I cry as if I lost you yesterday when I speak of our wrongful ruling. When I tell my side of the story, I know people think I had to of done something wrong to have you both removed and adopted out to strangers to me. But I really seriously don't see or feel I did anything to deserve this horrible loss. I really don't think removing children from their homes is a solution to any problem. I think they should house the whole unit in a facility or move in a supervisor into the home of the family. Cameras or human being. Help "preserve the family unit" as they are supposed to be doing, but failed to do that for us as a family unit. Grass was greener on the other side of the fence, sure I was scraping by, but you both were fed, clothed, and had a roof over your head. My best wasn't good enough. I starved so you could eat at times when money got really tight. I hope and pray you understand my side of the story, and never doubt me and how I seen the whole case unfold and destroyed my life.

Anyway,

Love you both so much and your brothers, dad (Johnny my husband), and I can't wait to meet you!

I miss you so very much! 

Talk to later,

With love,

Your loving biological mother who is waiting with her arms wide open for your return home,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

Place your bets

Having my seventh and final baby well third for here with me anyways place your bets here http://bellybets.com/gameboard-main-1002520 no prizes just fun :-) enjoy!

Halloween is coming up...

Hello girls,
I was just thinking about you girls and wonder if you are too old now to dress up for Halloween or not and if not what you would be this year...
I also had a fun fact for Rowsheall not sure if I said it before or not but here it is...you were almost named Meesha Katrina Lyn H. how crazy would that of been? Rowsheall I was going to nick name you Shelby  later in your life but never got the chance...you dad Bruce called you Critter while you were in mommy's tummy.
Katelyn I had help from my sister Jami Lyn and mom, and best friend Lisa Marie...with your name and pretty much was sold on your name first time we decided what it would be a combination of my sister and best friend's names...
I love you girls so very much and miss you so much, I can't wait to see you again...
I also have some good news and ask for positive prayers not prayers that say don't and cancel out negative words...I ask for prayers that say what we want and that is to have a happy healthy living breathing baby that will stay here with the living on earth for a long life....yes that is right April 12, 2014 I am due to have another baby. We don't know what it is yet, and have a detailed sonogram coming up that hopefully will tell us that and that its a healthy happy baby. I am excited. No matter what happens this will be my last baby I am to get fixed so I can't have any more after this happy ending or not. My body won't make it through another baby after this...and I am hoping it will make it through this last one.
Rowsheall you were due April 10, 1999 I had you March 29th instead...Katelyn you were due Aug 10, 2000 I think and was actually born the 15th...you have two brothers with me waiting to meet you and a sister and brother in heaven waiting to meet you too along with grandma Sally...I hope this baby will be here also waiting for you to meet you...I will keep you posted.
I love you miss you and can't wait to hold you again...you were and always will be my biggest loss I have experienced in my life...and nothing my life can throw at me will ever change the way I feel about the situation that led us lives apart.
Sincerely,
your loving birth mother who is waiting with open arms,
Rabeka Jo (F) D xoxoxo

Happy birthday Katelyn!

Dear Katelyn, 

Wow you're 13?! Can't imagine you that big I still see you holding your feet swinging them around in your diapers and your little top knot hair do up do the foster mom always put you girls in...man you're a teenager now! I'm a mom to two teenagers? Wow how did that happen?! I blinked I guess.

I hope you had a wonderful birthday today and got surrounded by your family and friends and had cake and ice cream and got everything you wanted for your birthday.

I miss you and your sister so much it hurts every waking moment of every single day and I'm counting on in five years you coming home to me! Only five more years then I get to hold you in my arms again?! I can't wait! The last 11 years has flown by so five years is nothing compared to what it's been! I can't wait! And I'm sorry if I can't let you go for a long time when I do finally get to hold you again in my arms...but I won't be able to help myself!

I love you so much! I can't wait to see you and your sister soon!

Talk to you again soon!

Sincerely,

Your loving biological mother who is waiting with her arms stretched wide for your return home to me!

Rabeka Jo D (F) dob 5/1980

Happy Easter Baby Girls

Dear Rowsheall Kailyn and Katelyn Marie,

Happy Easter baby Girls Mommy hopes you have a wonderful day today hunting eggs with your family and friends and eating a Easter Feast and maybe even going to church service and learning about the reason why we celebrate today...I can't believe it's our 11th Easter away from each other but it is...I hope all those Easters before was wonderful for you also...the boys are ready to hunt eggs in the morning...and then have a feast tomorrow with our family (Drew family) It will no doubt be empty without you girls, my mom Sally (your grandma), and Dylan and Jack's Aunt Melissa (I guess she is your aunt too because mommy is married to her brother) Anyway babies I hate to leave this short, I just wanted to drop a quick line to you both...Love you so very much miss you terribly bad...I can't wait to see you in 4/5 years maybe 6 I hope not too much longer after 6 if it has to be postponed...anyway...I love you both so very much! I can't wait really I can't...

Love you so much see you soon!

Sincerely,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

p.s. Mommy is having trouble with her legs hurting badly...they ruled out all muscle diseases by doing a biopsy on her leg muscle...everything is normal far as muscles go...so next I guess we go to a back specialist and see if it is related to my lower back being bent over and over again my legs do tend to get worse...anyway....in Sad news Katelyn's grandma on her Dad Kenneth Raymond Fairchild's side passed away awhile ago and it was sad because she never got to meet you just like your dad never met you because I was so sure that Bruce was your father and for that I can never forgive myself...and I don't expect anyone else to forgive me...anyway I love you both I hope your dad is still around Katelyn when you come find me so you can see him and get to know him also...he is a really nice guy and why I didn't stay with him I may never know...I guess I was meant to be with Johnny...even if I struggle with some of my pet peves day to day...I just take it one day at a time...least I can do with all I have done through our 10 year marriage...(this July 2013 will be 10 years)...Anyways talk to you later and see you soon! Love you both!

To my Sweet 14 year old daughter

Dear Rowsheall Kailyn,
Mommy keeps writing the same things over and over again on how much I miss you dearly and how much I love you so very much...but the pain still aches to see your face and touch you and hold you once more...it hurts so bad...I cry just thinking about our reunion in four years maybe five depending on if you wait until your sister is old enough...which I understand if you do decide to wait for her to be able to also see me and let me hold her also...I hope you had a wonderful Birthday yesterday...sorry I didn't write that day but I thought of you throughout the day and day dreamed of you being surrounded by all your loving family and friends maybe even a sleep over with your best friend or two...I wish I could have been there for you...I can't imagine you being 14 (same things I say every year I know but I really can't imagine you being any older than 3 when I last saw you)...I wish I could see you now but I know that isn't possible...especially now that laws changed when we got a new government runner person...they screwed me just as the system that took you screwed me...I called Lori she told me I could send stuff to someone in town and they would send it to Topeka and put it in a file for you when you turn 18 and come searching for me...thats all I can do...I will send this blog info to that folder and if I have the time and money to print this entire blog off and send it I will but it maybe more difficult than I think...because I lack that motivation to do all that with the doubt that comes to mind when I think of you turning 18 and don't come looking for me which I know is a possibility but I can only hope and keep dreaming that you do seek me out like I told you could once you turned 18...we counted stuffed animals to 18 on Aug 29, 2002 on our last visit...you were very confused about what I meant and I am not sure how long it took you to realize you wouldn't be able to see me again until your 18...I hope you don't hate me...I hope you have the good day dreams I have where your happy, healthy and have everything your heart desires...

The boys Dylan and Jack your brothers are very excited to see you in 4 years...they are sad that they won't be able to before hand in pictures or whatever the adoptive parents would allow you to be involved in our lives...heart breaking really...they definitely don't make my life very easy sometimes because they want so badly to see you both they cry and make me cry too and we cry together...

I called Lori Chandler through SRS the lady who handled our case...she checked for loops for me to be able to get pictures of you girls but there were none...they changed everything...so I am stuck not knowing what you look like or who you have become or what you like or anything until you come find me and bless our lives with us being able to finally know you and be there for you...

Anyway, I hope your day was Blessed with everyone and everything your heart desires (sorry if I am the one you lacked today as being someone you wanted there for your birthday I would be there if I could baby) If I had the chance I would jump on the opportunity to come and be there for you I would in a heartbeat!

Love you so very much and miss you terribly bad....I can't wait I am about to count the days until your 18th birthday with paper rings (like you may have done in school) but 365x4 would be 1,540 rings and that is a bit long of a chain I will definitely will do one with one year to go and hope I can keep remembering to tear off each ring as days go by but I am sure with the eagerness of it all I will no doubt remember and wish I could tear more than one off to bring you closer to your 18th birthday so we can see each other again...I love you so much I will talk to you again later...

Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D

Youthville called :-(

This is my status update right now on Facebook...I copied and pasted it here so I could share without having to write all out to you...

Finally Youthville called me back...sorry Kenneth Ray Fairchild father of Katelyn they aren't able to help me get in contact with the adoptive parents...she referred me to dcf...they said no contact was established or maintained for ten years that maybe why they don't have my case file so they could help me...so I been barking up the wrong tree for how many months? Thinking they are off on a mission to find my case file...but nope...just avoided my phone call all this time! I need time to regroup after this heart wrenching disappointment...I thought she cared...I thought man they are digging deep for me and will call me any day...gosh I'm crying so bad...hate this horrible system...they screwed me out of my girls and they were the reason I got out of bed...without them I spent every waking hour at the bar then walked curb to curb at night...I'm surprised I was alive when my husband walked into my mothers house placing a bid on our house...I was heading out the door to go drink....my mom begged me to stay and meet this man bidding on the house...she stalled me long enough for me to meet him...and that was it...a perfect distraction to my pain I was facing....which safely I can honestly say hurts way way way way worse than losing a child to death...twice I went through that now remember?...worse than losing your rock foundation (your mother)...yes that was really hard...but I swear on my mothers grave having my girls taken was worse than those losses...even combined I don't think they would even begin to graze this pain I experienced when my girls...being told for fifteen months I was doing all I was supposed to be doing that I was definitely getting them back...then in court total back stab...I refused to do this or that, things taken way out of context held against me...they totally blind sided me but no one believes me because how could a system built to protect children steal children that would make their families at risk of having the same done to them...I the mother had to of done something to deserve this that I am not disclosing...nope I just trusted my Youthville team to help me get my girls back and they set me up...and I fell for all their back stabs...now I trust no one...wonder why...now this?! It took me ten years to wrack up enough balls to contact them for fear of rejection...ad here is my rejection day it came...I really don't know if I can handle much more of the pointing fingers...and rejection...this is the fear that prevented me from contacting anyone about this for ten years and I faced it and got exactly what I feared...rejection...I'm crying so hard! Its like I lost them all over again...

Update

Well girls...my health has gone weird...my whole right side is numb but its not a stroke...doctors dont know what is wrong with me...I'm pretty frustrated with that...still havent heard back from Youthville im really mad about that going to call again tomorrow and try to talk to a manager of the lady who is supposed to find you and see about getting pictures...right now I feel as if you both dont even exist...i never had you...but i know thats not true...i spent many nights being thrown up on by you both when you had the flu...and tried my best to raise you...but seemed I could never do anything right...still don't feel I can do anything right...your brothers are spoiled rotten brats...and Dylan can't control his actions and is always hurting Jack...and Jack always over reacts to Dylan's actions....glad winter break is over...
I hope you both had a wonderful blessed Christmas...we did pretty good this year...just as always hard on me...with Grandma Sally not here (in heaven) and your sister Josie and brother River too...now aunt Melissa you never met because she is my husbands sister also died...its just hard...

The hardest loss was losing you two girls hands down...I still get teary when I talk about how you were robbed from me who wanted to learn how to raise you and do it right...still want to learn for your brothers...but this depression from losing you girls has gotten the best of me and Dylan keeps mouthing back to me...and idk what to do about it...and my family wont let me take him to get psych help...because it my open a can of worms on me and I lose your brothers too...and that sends me into such a panic attack...it should of killed me when I lost you two...it did for quite a few months...still feel dead inside from it today...but I have to keep living so I can see you again someday...

Well I talked to Katelyns dad tonight he has stage one lung cancer which also is my fire to try and get pictures so he can see you before he dies...hopefully he will stick around and be able to meet you someday soon...5 more years for Katelyn after her birthday this year and 4 more years for Rowsheall...I really hope you come find us sooner than when you're 18 but idk even if you want to...and I hope you stick around for a long time...once you do come back...but a lot of adopted kids come find their biological parents visit a few times then that's it...I hope that's not the case with us...I want to get to know you both and you to get to know me and my husband and your brothers...

We are still trying to have a baby but with no luck so probably isn't going to happen :( but maybe if I get my life together and health managed...then maybe we can adopt a little girl...I doubt it though because of my losing you :-(

Anyway we ain't to that bridge yet...soon as I know what's going on with my health I will let you know...

I love you deeply and miss you more than anyone else on earth...I can't wait to see your faces!

I pray for you daily

Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother
Rabeka Jo D (F) dob 5/1980

PS we maybe moving in June and selling our house up north...don't know where we will move...but hopefully rent and not have to worry about repairs anymore...so sick of being home owners...would like to eventually sell our rentals as well...hope the housing market picks up soon...so we can sell for a reasonable price...anyways just a heads up...love you miss you

I called youthville and asked for pictures

Dear girls I finally broke down and called youthville and asked for pictures of you girls and possible contact fully up to your parents...that was on October 1st, 2012...on October 3rd youthville called back stating they couldn't find our case files so I gave them your birth dates...hoping to hear from them tomorrow with good news...if not I may call them again tomorrow...I keep praying they find our case and get ahold of your parents soon...so I can finally show the boys that your older than they are and so I can get pictures of katelyn to her dad who isn't doing so well with his lung cancer and his mom isn't doing well either...wish I had done this before my mom died so she could have seen you before she passed away...but I struggled with rejection still do struggle but I already let one dying relative of yours down...it's the least I can do for him since my ignorance caused him pain...I'm sorry I didn't know that they did a DNA test on you girls when you were in the system and thought nothing about their inquire about me being sure katelyn was Bruce's or not...if they would have said they found Bruce wasn't the father I would have told them his name and got him informed of the situation...but they didn't which was another way the system failed our family...
Anyways my hopes are up to get pictures if not more...and also would like to send pictures of your brothers and sister...and would like to share this blog with your parents and they can decide to share it with you or not when they feel you're ready to read it all...but mainly just hope to be able to watch you grow through pictures prior to now on through the years...I wouldn't mind contact or visitations...it's absolutely up to your parents how involved they want me to be in your lives...I love you both so very much and miss you tremendously as stated in all my posts thus far...the broke record will continue on with those statements until you are home with me again...of course you will be grown women by then and will no doubt be eager to be out on your own but I hope you get to know me before you head out into the great big world and life out there...
Love you bunches!
Hope to see your faces soon!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Ps. I'm sorry it took me so long to build up the nerve to inquire about pictures and I'm sorry I didn't pursue them back in 2003 but the person I talked to made it sound like it was impossible and a long process...then when I got word that I could write a letter to the parents I ended up writing ten page letters trying to justify why I deserve to watch you grow through pictures...which was stated in all details placed in the third post to this blog...so oldest posts third one up from the bottom...on this blog gives details as to how you girls were wrongfully taken from me...anyways praying God will ease my worries soon...and your faces are again present in my life again and from here on out...if that's all I get I will be blessed so if I end up with more...I would be very blessed and over flowing...love you ttyl

Katelyn and Rowsheall sorry so late

I didn't forget your birthday...I feel like I've said all I can and I'm just repeating myself over and over again...I did think of you on your birthday and was going to write to you but just was overwhelmed with the feeling of saying the same things over and over...I miss you both so much and think so often of you it hurts...I love you both so very much that words could never express my love for you both...
Update on me...I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and it's the pits...no rhyme or reason for being in pain and being tired majority of the time...I'm a mess...falling apart...feel so much older than I am...
Your brothers are still quarreling I'm not sure if siblings ever grow out of that...I hope you two are best friends and are taking care of each other...hope your birthday was great Katelyn...sorry I didn't write sooner...but again felt repetitive and discouraged about the whole blog thing since I feel I'm just talking to myself right now and random strangers who pass through blogs and find it...whichever is fine I just wish I had feedback to keep me going...I'm doing my best and sometimes that's not enough...like when I lost you girls it wasn't enough...
So been working on that with my counselor because I feel I can't do anything right anymore...
I started a Lego blanket for your brothers (crochet) its coming along nicely...guess that's one thing I can do right...anyways
I love you both and miss you both so very much you have no idea how wide my arms are waiting for you to return home to me!
Talk to you soon I hope.
Sincerely,
Your loving birthmother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Ps...katelyn your not really 12 are you' it really hasn't been 10 years since I last seen you? Where has the time gone?! You will be here sooner than I know it! 6 more years! Can't wait! And your biological father can't wait to meet you he loves you so very much I hope his health waits for your return home to take him home...he has lung cancer :-( but he is fighting it with all he has! He really wished he would have known you were his years ago...and quite frankly I wish I knew too... Talk to you later love you

Here is my first letter rough draft of what I am going to send to your parents if and when I finally get a hold of Tina Anthony in Topeka and get communication opened between us...so its kind of in the making and some info was removed because its privileged information not public and I don't want it on this public blog (as if I haven't already posted too much already but ya know hey I am trying to be more discreet about things believe that or not) Anyways here goes:

Dear Mom and Dad to two beautiful Angels named Rowsheall Kailyn and Katelyn Marie,

My name is Rabeka Jo D (F) I am the birth mother to those two baby girls whom I think about every waking hour of every single day.
I am sorry it has taken me so long to get into contact with you, but I didn't think I could handle rejection back then. I'm sorry for assuming you would reject me, but I felt I had to justify my contacting you, which my first letter at that time would have been over whelming to you all 10 pages and all. So I'm going to keep this letter as short as possible, but I wanted to update you all on how my life has changed since the girls were wrongfully taken from me but due to circumstances out of my control deemed us lives apart.
Feb 2003 I met my now husband John, July of same year we were married, Nov of same year Dylan Jacob our son was born. Sept. of 2005 Jack Elliott our 2nd son was born. Sept. 2, 2008 Josephine Kay our daughter was born but sadly her diagnosis of Hypoplastic left heart syndrome took her from us 19hrs and 34mins after her birth.
My mother Sally Jo beat breast cancer back in 99 when Rowsheall was born and again in 2008 when it came back but sadly she had skin cancer and lost her battle Jan 19, 2009. She loved the girls deeply and was crushed by the ruling as crushed as I was.
March 18, 2011 River Lyric our son was born stillborn, he was 28 weeks we were due June 5, 2011.
End of Jan I had my right ovary and tube removed due to ruptured cysts and I had a cyst removed from my left tube. I am recovering from that. My husband's sister who was adopted with her sister to my in-laws passed away Jan 26, 2012. Which is my motivation to get our communication finally opened.
Again I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get things done but from what I've disclosed here you can imagine why it has taken this long.
How are the girls? What are they like? What are they into now (Bratz? Barbies? computers? etc.) Can I have pictures from when they first joined your loving family on up to current? (is that too much to ask?) I have missed them so very much, as I said before there has not been a single day that passes that I don't think about them wondering what they are like what they look like, who they have become to be and who you two are. I dream of them and I never want to wake up because I'm finally holding them again. Anyway, I'm here finally not guarded and ready to get to know you all, as you get to know me too. Thank you for your dedication to raise the girls as your own, Thank you for loving them as your own, thank you for everything you do! And Thank you for your time to let me into your lives at this time.
God Bless you all. I love you even if I never met you.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
Birth mother of the girls who light your life everyday.

p.s. I am an open book anything you want to know I am willing to tell you everything you want to know thanks. just ask.




back to posting to you girls...short and sweet? right? to the point? but it feels so cold to me...and rushed...don't it? thats why its a draft...but I have so much to tell your parents and you guys too...but its the first letter and its not supposed to be 10 pages long...so not to overwhelm them right?

Hey readers of my blog could I get some feedback here? I would really appreciate some feedback as to what to say and not to say as a letter going to adoptive parents I have never met before and know NOTHING about...thanks readers of my blog I really like getting multiple inputs on my life dilemma so I can choose what sounds like the right thing for me to do and say...so thank you for your input cause I really like ideas cause some things I haven't thought up yet...so thanks for your time...

Back to the girls...I love you girls and I hope I can get a hold of this lady in Topeka that I was told by someone at the local SRS was who I needed to contact but they said they would email her and have her email me but she never has yet...anyways I love you girls! ttyl
Sincerely,
your loving birth mommy Rabeka Jo D (F)

Update on us

Dear Girls,
time for an update on us...We lost my husbands sister...she (Melissa) died Jan 2012 :-( she was looking forward into spoiling you two girls when you came home...she too was adopted with her big sister (Lilly)...she was very comforting when I got on my negative thinking patterns about you guys not being happy and being abused and all those negative thoughts that the devil likes to put through my mind every now and then...she would correct me...that she wasn't in a bad place...and she had a wonderful life...which kind of gives me comfort but at the same time made me feel horrible cause you couldn't be having that wonderful life with me...anyway...we been kind of struggling with that loss...
With the early spring I have been working on my garden which has char-rubs (angel figures) painted to be like you girls...well as I remember you...they don't really look too much like you but I colored their hair and painted eyes on them your eye colors and hair colors...Katelyn is blond with brown eyes (as I remember her) and Rowsheall is brown hair blue eyes (again as I remember her)...I have a girl angel reading to a boy angel sitting on a bench which represents Josie your sister and River your brother I plan to get an anchor to represent your grandmother Sally and now a butterfly to represent your aunt you won't ever meet now Melissa...I also have frogs in there to remind me to Fully Rely On God (FROG) and stepping stones with your brothers hand prints and foot prints...I have bleeding hearts flowers, I have some tulips, I have I believe are sweet Williams coming up but won't be able to be for sure until they bloom...I have some other ones I am not sure of what they are yet...and some decorative grass too...I also intend on planting a vegetable garden and try my hand at that...which I am pretty sure won't work out cause the flowers last year I killed cause I didn't water them lol...I do have brown thumbs...so if you can't grow anything...blame me I don't have any green thumbs...at least yet...anyways...
I am sorry I don't write every holiday it seems I was looking at the blog today and it seems I had missed a few holidays and for that I am sorry...I did think of you and I love you both so very much...I probably didn't get a chance to write on those holidays and then figured I already had posted to you but I obviously didn't plus you girls will probably get tired of reading the same things over and over..."this horrible thing happened to us...I love you so very much...I can't stop thinking about you" blah blah blah....ya know what I always say cause I don't know what else to say because I have nothing coming in to comment on and advise you on things you might be going through at this time or that time...anyways I really do miss you girls so very much and it hurts me so very bad and I can't stress that enough on here...not one single day goes by that I don't think of you...there is always something here to remind me of you just like that song sings always something there to remind me....I really hope you are doing well...I pray for you daily when I think of you...I will talk to you girls later though as I said to Rowsheall earlier...I need to get into bed very soon...I love you so very very very much! and I miss you so very very very much! talk to you soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D (F) (DOB 5-1980) your loving birth mother who is waiting with her arms wide open for your return home to her :-)

Dear Rowsheall,
Happy 13th Birthday, you must be getting so big by now...its amazing that it will have been 10 years since the last time I seen you on Aug 29th this year...wow how time has flown by...only 5 more years before your 18! I wouldn't mind getting in touch with you before then but I do know for sure you will be getting in touch with me for sure then...at least I hope you will...I hope you had a very blessed birthday with your friends at school and family later that evening :-) I have been thinking about you girls a whole whole lot as always...I don't want to overwhelm you too much with blog posts through out my day when I think of you because I wouldn't want to be hounded in reading all this as it sits with just the holidays, birthdays, and eventful moments that I feel I need to share with you girls...I hope you understand this and don't resent me for not posting everyday...as I had originally intended...which would have walked you through my 15 yrs for you to read about so you knew exactly what I been up to while we were apart...I spare you just know this lol...I love you girls so very much and I can't hardly contain myself with how close we are to seeing each other again! I am so excited!
I love you so much I hope you had a great birthday even best by far this year...I think your in 6th grade by now am I right? wow I remember that year like it was yesterday for me...I didn't really fit in with the kids and struggled to fit in...but I hope you are not having the same issues as I had and I hope you have had a wonderful life so far...the part I hate about us being apart and me writing this to you without knowing the history of what you been through up till now when you are reading this...is hard cause things could be bad there but I gotta trust God in taking care of you both until we can be reunited again...I do tend to wonder my thoughts to the bad ones and worry about your safety and your self esteem...etc...but I can't stay there too long cause it will drive me crazy...I no doubt wish you were here with me as so does your brother Dylan who is 8 now and keeps asking about you girls and when you will be coming home to meet them...and keeps asking why its taking so long...breaks my heart that I screwed this up to where you all couldn't be together...I did do my best though...and as usual it wasn't good enough...anyway I wanted to blog to you since today is your birthday...I hadn't had a chance all day to write to you as I had intended even thought about doing it last night so I was sure it was here today in case you were out there reading this blog secretly...as I kind of hope you are...I also fantasize about you writing me like I am to you so I can catch up on you through your life and your struggles as you have already read through some of mine...I been fighting back tears all day...but tried very hard to keep busy to keep my mind from letting me cave in to the tears...I hate having to explain why I am sad and crying...its definitely easier to just pretend to be happy so no one is concerned just as a post I seen on my facebook had stated...anyway...I love you so much and I don't want to end this but I am afraid I need to...because I need to go to bed so I can get up in the morning to see what damage was done to our property due to a hail storm that just passed through tonight...I hope you weren't anywhere near this storm and had a delightful time on your special day.
I love you I just can't say it enough! my heart aches for you and your sister Katelyn!
I just can't hardly wait!
Talk to you soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D (F) (DOB 5-1980) your loving birth mother who is waiting with her arms wide open

Happy thanksgiving

Hey baby girls. I'm thankful for giving birth to you two and your two brothers as well as thankful for your sister and brother who died. I'm thankful I have your new dad Johnny, and all he does for us.
I hope you had a wonderful thanksgivings day with your new family. We had a pretty good one here. I miss you girls so much it hurts but I know we are getting closer to time to be together again. My therapist is going to help me get things going with the communication between your parents and I hopefully soon. I hope to be able to at least see you girls grow up through pictures at least if not have communication with you two. I wonder if you girls have facebooks and what your doing at your ages. I hope your doing better emotionally than I have been.
Life hasn't exactly been easy for me but I'm learning to handle things differently it's just hard sometimes than others. I know God has led you girls where your supposed to be right now as well as where I am to be right now and for that I'm thankful too.
Anyways babies I love you and miss you every waking moment. Not one day goes by that I don't think about you two and wonder what you look like and who you have became.
If I had thought this is what my future held for me I really would wonder why I was to be dealt such fate. But since it just happened the way it did. I can learn from everything and be a better person that I was intended to be.
I miss you girls so much and look forward to the day we get to be together again.
Talk to you soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Your loving birth mother

I drew this for you girls, I hope to have it in 6-7 years to give to you, its not very good but its hard drawing people especially those you love, cause its never good enough...but I had to just accept it and yep I am working past my perfection :-) I love you girls and I miss you so much :-) I look forward to seeing you in 6-7 years if not sooner I am ready when you and your parents are.

I love you very much I just thought I would share my picture I drew of you girls.

Sincerely, your loving birth mother

Rabeka Jo D (F DOB 5-1980)

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn,

Today back in 2002 was the last day I seen you two :-( and I feel the same as I did that day...absolutely devastated. After I left that day I left all will to live, you were my reason for living and they took that from me. But I regained it when I realized you may want to come find me later in your lives, which I am waiting opened armed for that day to come, I am counting down nearly the days till you become of age to come be with me again. I know you will be grown and will be on your own and possibly headed off to college by then, but I can hope we start a great mother daughter relationship then...I love you two so very much and miss you tremendously, I cannot say it enough. I really do, and that last visitation we thought we were recording the whole time but we weren't so all we had was the pictures the idiot counselor took who forced us to hold back tears and not show emotion that was term-oiling inside us the whole time we were with you for our last visit...and when you Rowsheall turned around to me and said "see you next week" as you always do and looked puzzled when I said no baby I won't see you next week I will see you when you turn 18 that really broke my heart completely. That look you gave me, you really wanted to come home with me, and I really wanted to bring you home with me too but the Judge just didn't see that my grass in my yard was green enough for you two girls to grow up the way they thought was best for you...which I am constantly questioning my abilities with your two brothers that are living with me now...but I know I deserve them, I know I am doing best I can...and thats good enough.
Anyways girls I just wanted you to know I will be thinking about you all day today missing you every moment throughout it just as I do everyday.
I love you two so very much and I can't wait to hold you again in my loving arms. What a Glorious day that will be! And I will be redeemed!
Sincerely,
your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F DOB 5 1980)

Dear Katelyn,

Seriously 7 more years before you can come and see me again? and I see you? wow your 11 years old! thats unbelievable how time has flown by...I can't wait to see you and your sister! I love you so very much and even thought the 12th was your birthday by mistake and told your brothers they were excited that we are so close to you coming home to see us...We really can't wait to see you again!

I remember when you were born I had stated that Bruce (who at the time I believed was your father) didn't mean to hit me...but he did...that was the one shot wonder drug that they gave me talking...I looked at you and was so amazed by how perfect you were just as with all my children...how perfect you all were...I loved you so very much...and still do...and its been hard these last 9 years...I still cry when I talk about our case and what the state did to our family...but there is nothing I could do now to change it...and if I could I would let you decide what you wanted to do...I know you have grown to love your forever family...you might go through a bout of hate and rebellion towards them as some teens do but not all teens...your Aunt Jami didn't :-) and you might think living with me would be so much better than living with them because they are so unfair or whatever just cause they have your best interest at heart...I assure you living with me wouldn't be much different accept that not both parents work in this home...just the daddy...and mommy isn't all fun and games...though if I had you guys at home I really don't know what I would be...I wouldn't be depressed I am sure of that...cause I would be complete I know that...but I really don't know what that looks like any more...

I love you so very much I hope you got everything you hoped you would get today...and more...I remember how excited you would get when I entered the room to pick you up...you did a full body quiver and straighten your arms and legs and open your eyes wide and blow out flat tight lips out of excitement...mainly I remember you doing this in your peter rabbit snow coat on...I love you so very much Katelyn I am so sorry I failed you and your sister I really truly am...but I assure you I didn't do what was accused of being done...no matter what anyone tells you know this is the truth...I really didn't do the things they thought I was doing and half way proved I was doing which was Meth...they told me day before they took a home drug screen that I needed to get off the flexeril asap cause it comes up positive on their home drug screens as meth...so they got that positive UA and won you guys cause I couldn't fight it...and for that I am so sorry I really wish I hadn't taken any medications over the counter or prescribed...EVER in my life...cause then all this mess wouldn't have happened...and we would still be together...

Anyway I love you so very much :-) I really do miss you so very much and can't wait to see you again!...I can't say it enough!

Talk to you later.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D (F) (D.O.B. 05-1980)
your loving birth mother who won't EVER forget

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn, Rochelle and Katie I guess is how your names are spelt by your adoptive parents...which irritates me but the only reason is because a lot of thought went into your names...I wanted you Rowsheall to be unique like your mom...but am realizing everyone is unique without having to have their name spelt certain ways...now your middle name Kailyn was after your aunt Jami Lyn and my uncle Gregory Lyn :-) which also is why Katelyn was named Katelyn...Marie comes from my childhood best friend Lisa Marie and no she isn't a Presley :-) but she means the world to me...we went through a falling out for over a year but we are talking again trying to start over. Anyway, I keep thinking about you girls a lot...not that I ever get you girls off my mind...I wouldn't want to stop thinking about you because I love you so much and you are apart of me and will always be in my heart...as your adoptive parents had conceived you both in their hearts before they finally got to add you to their loving family. All I can do is think positive about where you are...my horror stories in my mind I have learned to let go because it drives me crazy to think of the possible bad things you might be facing and it's not fair for me to torture myself... Anyway I love you so very much and I really cannot say that enough...nor do I know how else to express it to you...I really am struggling to live without you both...but I have to keep living without you and it's so unfair for it being this way...I really don't see where I was wrong because no one told me it was wrong nor did they allow me to correct the problem...they didn't guide me as I needed them to...if they had...I would still have you home with me...but that didn't happen...did it? No, a system built to protect children not preserve families...at what cost did they protect you? There are no digets that could express damages done to me and my family...I will be justified someday...may not be till I reach my next life...but I'm hoping when you two come home to me finally I will feel like I finally have my family completed... Your brother Dylan is 7 almost 8 and is very smart...and he keeps asking about you girls which is pushing me harder to request pictures to show him you are bigger than him now...that you are not still ages three and two...it's just hard...I'm So scared of being rejected...so...maybe when we can afford my counselor I will work on that with them even if I've been doing good helping myself with my hoarding tendencies that aren't as bad as on tv...it could have easily gotten that bad had I let it keep going...anyways I'm good at certain things...other things I struggle with and need professional input anyways... I plan to get things taken care of soon so we can see you both or all depending on if your family you have now wants to share themselves with us or not...anyway...I'm serious this time...even if it makes me so sick to my stomach just thinking about it...anyway I love you both equally and cannot wait to see your smiling faces again. Sincerely, Rabeka Jo (F) D Your biological mother who will never forget...who carried you in my loving womb for 9 months and in 15 months time was torn from my loving arms that were young, dumb, and in need of guidance...but got set up and robbed instead...Robbed of witnessing your childhood, robbed of Katelyns first steps, robbed of many firsts to follow, and robbed of knowing and shaping you into being who you will be someday...I'm not apart of that and that's what hurts the most...love you ttyl

Dear Rowsheall Kailyn,
I still have difficulties picturing you older than 3 but today you turn 12...and that in so hard to believe but in 6 more years you will be able to come and find me but its OK if you wait till your sister is 18 too so you both can find me...I am waiting with my arms wide open ready to hold you and kiss you and never let you go again....Celine Dion wrote a song Called Miracle http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGNQ9bu1mDk not sure if the link will work when you find this or when I show you this blog but this is how I feel about you, and Katelyn, and Dylan, and Jack, and Josephine, and now River....I just want to hold you now but I can't....and that hurts more than anything I have experienced I know where Josephine and River are...they are with our Father and with Jesus our Savior....you and Katelyn I don't know where you are...I just have to trust that God is watching over you and keeping you and your sister safe until you can come home to me....another song that hits home is Precious Child by Karen Tyler-Good even if its for a child who passed away...you are living in my heart for now...and I will be able to see you and hold you here on earth and your sister Katelyn too....I am so lost without you girls...I am trying to be a good mom to your two brothers I have been blessed with...its just so hard to keep going when the world around me keeps crumbling around me...but I have to keep going because someday you will come find me and I want to be here to see you and hold you once again....that day will be the day my life will be justified as being worth living....and everything will just fall back into place...I know your parents will still be in your life as they raised you since the state didn't see me able to raise you but I am able to raise your brothers...though sometimes I doubt myself and my abilities at times but I know God will help me get through the hard times and I rest in the promises that God has gave us...
I really pray God helps you in any resentment you may feel towards me as I did everything I could and it wasn't good enough for the state to put us back together forever but rather put us apart for a short while...I love you so very much and I can't say that enough....I am struggling without you both but I will survive....I have to....so I can see you again....I miss you so very much! I can't say that enough either...I really want to write your parents requesting pictures but I am so scared they will reject me....that would just break me if they  did...I can't take anymore heartache I hope I can get the guts to ask for permission to contact your parents and then write that letter opening our door of communication....I just am so scared to be rejected....I hope to be able to do that soon though....I will keep praying about it and praying for you all (mom, dad, you and your sister and your family)....I will talk to you later though.
I hope you had a wonderful Happy 12th Birthday Rowsheall and all your dreams came true today...you got everything you wanted....I love you and will talk to you again soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
your birth mother who won't ever forget you and your sister

Well girls, My life is just full of crisis and I am thankful you girls are not here to witness all that has gone on it will hurt you when you come find me or when you stumble on this blog but I really don't think you girls could have handled being here during my many losses as I am beside myself with this one...We had sonograms and echocardiograms done for this baby we were expecting and everything was so normal and so healthy there was nothing wrong at all with this baby...but they stopped moving and I went into the hospital and they couldn't find the heart beat and had to induce him still born...it was a surprise we didn't know what he was until he came out...he was beautiful...his name was River Lyric and he weighed 2lbs 9.7oz and was 15.5 inches long little bitty baby and so peaceful...we got lots of pictures to share with you when you come home to see us...
I love you girls so very much and I am so sorry that I couldn't fight harder and gotten you girls back....

In other news...I have been attacked by someone on yahoo messenger through this blog which I put on here so you girls could contact me if you wanted to or your parents could contact me even...and someone contacted me acting like they knew me back when I lost you girls and knew what was really going on...it was stupid what they had said to me because they are idiots if they think for a second I was lying on my blog....I am sharing my side of the story....if they don't like it or believe me thats on them...not me...I know what happened I was there experiencing it first hand...if they were with me 24/7 which that would of been my mother...then ya they can talk but since they only know obviously hearsay which is what others say about me and what was going on at the time etc...anyways I cannot believe that they would attack me like they did but knowing someone out there thinks I am lying to you girls in my blog kind of irritates me...just because they were anonymous tells me they really dont know me and if they did they would let their identity be known so we can have it out like adults and get on the same page as each other...I have not lied to you once on this blog and I hope that you do find me first before you find whoever is a liar out there grows up and stops the rumors and stops attacking me anonymously cause thats just childish and immature...

So that note is kind of for the attacker not you girls but I just had to make it known that there are some people out there who have it in their minds that I got what I deserved just so that way they feel better about themselves and justified that they have their kids...not me having you girls...etc...kind of a comfort thing really for them because if they believe my story in the way things went down...then that puts their family in jeopardy of being torn apart like ours and thats just not something people are willing to accept and I don't blame them its scary that they could take two children from a loving home based on lies...but they did...and it hurt...and I am surviving but missing you girls every waking hour of my life...and I won't ever stop thinking about you nor will I stop praying for your return home to me...and I look forward to your return and I hope and pray for strength to risk rejection by requesting pictures of you girls but its so hard to not think maybe the parents won't think I deserve pictures or anything...that I am this horrible drug addict the courts made me to look like...which was far from the truth....anyways I am sorry to break that news to you too...but now you have a little girl sister angel and a little boy brother angel  up in heaven watching over you with Grandma Sally...

I am going to Mental Health Association for counseling now and they have many programs that I am planning on getting involved in so I can maybe hopefully get back into enjoying life maybe? I don't even know if I can without you girls and without your brother and sister now who are in Heaven....but I really want to so I can maybe be a wonderful mother when you finally do come home...I am maturing I think in my mental emotional side...or I am just numb at the moment I am not sure which...since it just happened this weekend...

Anyway I love you girls so very much and miss you very much...I will be writing in on Rowsheall's Birthday as usual here in a few days...I will talk to you Rowsheall later I love you sweetheart...Katelyn I love you sweetheart too....I wonder what you girls look like being 10 and nearly 12 you must be so big! and smart!
Talk to you later sweeties...
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo