Happy birthday Rowsheall

I thought of you all month...I missed River Lyrics birthday too. I'm sorry, I feel as if I'm a broken record in my messages so I've been discouraged from writing and I'm sorry...I do love you and your sister Katelyn so much, I think of you both very often...and its hard for me. I finally found the info to send a letter requesting pictures of you girls. I'm just going to do it...if rejected I guess life will have no other choice but to move on. Hope it doesn't hurt so bad.
Hope it will be granted...I can't stand and haven't been able to stand not being able to see you grown through the years.
Anyway happy birthday sweet baby I hope it was best and you got everything you wanted xoxo. I miss you. I will talk more later...
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Your loving birth mother awaiting your return home to my loving arms xoxo

Just to have these names on my blog somewhere

So if you google your current names Rochelle and Katie hopefully this will show up and you can look through other posts to find out this is about you from me your loving birth mother waiting for you to come home to me

Rochelle birthday is March 29, 1999 and Katie birthday is Aug. 15, 2000
You were taken from me on April 10, 2001 and terminated from me in Aug. 2002 I last seen you Aug 29, 2002 and that was the biggest loss I have experienced in my whole life...me losing you girls.
My name is Rabeka Jo D maiden name starts with F so going to throw out a few names of difference spelling so it can help you maybe find me too. Rebecca Rebecka Rebeka Rabecca Beky Becky Bekey Beckey mommy Becky is what you called me (honestly I hate the name Becky because I'm redneck enough with Rabeka Jo as my name but I allowed my baby girls to call me Becky and you are the ONLY ones who got away with it just so you know how special you are) so hopefully this post will get you here...

Please if you find this post go to the oldest post and work your way to the newest posts so you know I've thought constantly about you throughout the years we been apart and I miss and love you both so very much and cannot wait to see you again soon!

PS to read oldest look on the right of this page scroll down to year dates click the oldest year then oldest month and work your way up through the years and I hope you read it all and know I was wronged but nothing I could do and that I'm waiting for you with my arms wide open and if I only knew how to allow you to come before your 18 I would do it but Lori Chandler won't tell me anything other than for me to write and send stuff to the envelope they have for you...and idk what to send so I am currently hand writing out this blog...but may end up printing and gluing it because my hand can't write anymore like it used to...two paragraphs at a time is so not getting this task done...sorry...but I will get it and send it to that envelope soon as I can...

Anyway I pray this helps you find me...I love you two so very much and miss you so much I can't and haven't stopped thinking about you not ever and I won't talk to you soon I hope!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F) DOB 5-1980

Happy Thanksgiving baby girls

As thanksgiving sneaks up on me...I been thinking about what I'm thankful for...first and foremost I'm glad I had you both and did not abort you and throw you away like a selfish young idiot most people the age I was do. I'm thankful for having all your brothers and sisters too (Dylan, Jack, and River your brothers and Josephine and Evangeline your sisters) I don't think anyone other than me could of handled losing Josephine and River like I did so I'm thankful God trusted me with them to carry out their lives they were written in his book for them to have...I'm very thankful I met and married Johnny...even if he is impatient and always has to get something out of everything which drives me bananas....I'm the giving kind of person...and he is the what do I get out of it? Nothing?! Forget it then...type and yeah so not like me...and I hate that but it is his hard earned money that goes into the gas tank and yeah money I would use to help others out...so I can't do many things I want but that's OK its his money...I'm thankful we were allowed to move back to my childhood home...I'm thankful that the renters we had living here tore things up not burnt the place down like they could have on many occasions (signs of cigarettes being left on shelves and stories of their family living in garage with space heaters smh....so could have happened and I'm so thankful God didn't allow it)....I'm thankful that we were able to fix it up with new flooring and carpet...I'm thankful my husband has a job...I'm thankful I have a sorta job of cleaning my neighbors house...I'm thankful we have my friend and her three kids living in the other house for the winter and they have someplace warm to be and the bills are in their name and are paying the bills...so thankful for that....thankful that we have just enough money to scrape by with our house payments and insurance and bills...thankful we have credit cards to cover the food bill each month...otherwise we would starve...thankful there is food stamps available for people like me but saddened that we probably don't qualify because we have the other house as a resource so instead of renting the house out for money to pay the house payment and insurance on the place...we get to starve if we didn't have our credit cards....thankful we can sell our other house in March and be done with the whole landlord piss-on scene....and stop being taken advantage of...thankful that many people say just holler when we need help to move our two car garage worth of stuff...now if we can swallow our pride and allow it...no one volunteered when asked on Facebook so I assumed no  wanted to help us even if they said hey I'm free next weekend (which I had one lady lined up to help and then she didn't answer her phone and disappeared off the face of the earth go figure) and yeah that would be appreciated....now its cold and going to get icy and snowy and yeah not going to happen...but I'm thankful there is no rush on getting the stuff moved....I'm thankful to be able to help my friend and her kids out...I'm thankful that karma will come back around and bless us...hopefully soon...Christmas is going to be slim pickings this year...probably won't qualify for assistance with that either...but we get Wic and we get free lunches...this is just dumb...
Anyway sorry I've got a lot on my mind...it was Dylans birthday today (11-25-14) he turned 11....its been 12 years since I seen you girls....I'm thankful that you can come and find me when you are 18 I wish you could sooner but stupid case worker Lori Chandler says there isn't anything I can do accept put things in a folder...so I'm trying to hand write this blog into a book to send in...to be honest I'm on the third post from oldest...and it hurts so bad to write (my hand doesn't write well anymore)...so I may see about printing the rest of the blog out (after I finish the third post) and then glue the pages into the book or something...make it super thick though...so idk...hope it won't...anyway that is my game plan and of course a link to this blog to see if I wrote more on it...which I probably will keep writing after I send the book...anyways...love you girls and miss you so very much! Wish you were here to celebrate Thanksgiving with us...an your family too would be very welcomed...I'm so lost without you girls...always have been...I sure hope you do come find me :-( I have health issues that make me hurt so bad still trying to figure out what it is that is going on...hopefully soon they will figure it out and I find relief and get my life back...anyway...I love you we are having my neighbor over for thanksgiving dinner and my husbands mom dad grandma uncle Chris I sure hope comes...Dalton our nephew maybe and maybe his ex girl and her two kids (his daughter her son)...idk no one said they didn't have no where to go for the dinner thing so I assume everyone has a place to be...anyway...I wish more would come...I'm not used to these small functions...my mom had four siblings and each had at least two kids so lots of cousins...anyway...I miss you both and my mom and sister Jami (Jami moved to Arkansas, Grandma Sally died)...I also miss my sister in laws (Lilly moved to Alabama and Melissa died)....but I'm sure thankful I got to know them all...and miss Faith our niece she moved to Alabama with her momma...anyways sorry just unloading my brain and broken heart so its not so heavy this thanksgiving day like it is every year and just more and more heavy as my life trudges on...
Talk to you later...love you both and miss you both so much that words cannot express how much I do...
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F) DOB 5-1980

Before I forget

I wanted to share with you my seven dwarfs explanation.
Rowsheall is grumpy because she always crossed her arms and pouted. Katelyn is happy because she was always happy to see me. Dylan is doc cuz he always seems to try and be the boss. Jack is dopey because he is the class clown and he's funny. Josephine was bashful because she never showed her face on sonogram . River was sleepy because he was born sleeping. And Evangeline she's sneezy because she's always sneezing.

So I have seven dwarves and I love you also very much. I am so excited because we are so close to you guys coming home. I hope to see you guys soon. I love you both very much! I will talk to you later love you bye for now.
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D dob 5-1980

I posted a post on a page on facebook

I really want to look for Rowsheall Kailyn 3-1999 and Katelyn Marie 8-2000 but since they are not of age I just want to get in touch with their adoptive parents Rowsheall was changed to Rochelle and Kaitlyn was changed to Katie social worker who stole them was Lori Chandler...I just want pictures of them...and to know they are alive and well so I can sleep at night...also want to share family health history I recently learned...and to give pictures to replace the copy machine copies I only could afford to get together for them last minute :-( they didn't give me time to get actual copies of the pictures because they assure me the girls were coming home...as they did throughout the process...I have a blog I wrote to the girls on and still write to them on birthdays and holidays and when I just can't stop thinking about them and to update them on what's going on in my life...I miss them and love them so very much...and I'm here opened arms waiting for their 18 yr birthdays which is steadily approaching and I'm so excited! I can't wait to hold you in my arms again! Xoxo Google your names spelt the way I did and you should find my blogger blog...I'm in the process of writing out all the posts may end up printing and gluing them into this book...as my writing skills aren't well...and my hand can't write for very long...but I'm trying...anyway...talk to you soon...my birthday is 5-1980

Its on adoptees reunited page under picture of Kansas I hope it gets something going for me to get pictures and know you are healthy and Alive
Love you I need to go to bed...I just wanted you to know I'm trying ttyl,
Sincerely, your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F) dob 5-1980

We are moving again

Well we are moving back to the house I lived in since I was 6 yes old...and the house we lived in with grandma Sally and aunt Jami and great grandma Delphine...hopefully it will be easier to find me...
Our now ex friends/renters tore up the house so bad that we had to pour too much money into the house to just hand it over to different renters to tear up...so we are moving back...I'm excited cuz we got new floors throughout the house...and I plan to keep the place clutter free so we can have people over...tired of being hermits and not being able to have visitors because of embarrassment of the clutter...anyway...thought I would let you know...I love you and miss you bunches! Can't wait to see you!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F) dob 05*16*1980

Happy 14th birthday

Happy birthday Katelyn! I can't wait until I get to see you again...I miss you and your sister so very much...no words could ever express all the strength in the words I miss you and I love you cause both sayings are the strongest feelings anyone could ever feel...my heart has such a huge hole in it where you girls belong and I really wish I had not been taken advantage of and back stabbed like I was which lead us to lives apart from each other. I hope you have lived a happy wonderful life without me...I felt guilty all these years for feeling happy without you...but I realize that is robbing me and my family I have now...no they deserve to be happy and so do you and so do I...I don't know if you're happy and I don't know if your sister is happy either...but I can't sit here being pessimistic and thinking the worst case scenario like I have in the past...its torturing me. I have to think positive so I can finally be at peace and be able to live my life like I think you are living. And when you do come home to me I will be so happy and open armed ready to hold you in my arms.
I hope you had a wonderful birthday today. There are four more years until you're 18 and are able to come home to me.
I love you and miss you much!
See you soon,
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F) (dob 5-1980)

Happy 15th birthday Rowsheall

Three more years until your old enough to come and find me! I'm do excited I can't believe it's that close! I am still pregnant with baby girl who is due April 12. I keep having random strong contractions she could still come today or any other day. I sorta don't want to have her share your birthday but kinda think it would be neat. Anyway I will write more when I get time we are trying to ready the house for baby girls arrival and got things to do today but I will write more later. I can't picture you 15 and idk what you are into at this age. I miss you so very much and think of you and your sister every waking hour of every single day. I love you so much! I will talk to you later xoxoxo

Sincerely,

Your loving birthmother

Rabeka Jo (F) D dob 5/1980

P.s. I wrote this on your birthday it didn't post I just realized it I did think about you and wrote to you 

Happy Easter baby girls!

Dear girls,

Hope you have a blessed Easter and get to celebrate our savior's resurrection and know the reason for the season is because we all who have fallen short to the glory of God are saved. Xoxo

I hope you enjoy a good Easter egg hunt and are enjoying getting dressed up for this wonderful day. Wonder if you're using make-up by now or not, wonder what you're doing today...going to church? Getting together with family for a feast and festivities? I sure hope you are very happy in your situation, whatever it is.

Love you and miss you both very much and I wish you were here with me your brothers and sister xoxo

Talk to you later,

Sincerely,

Your loving birthmother,

Rabeka Jo (F) D (d.o.b. 05-1980)

Evangeline in her Easter shirt that is size 0-3 months and is too big lol

Mommy and Evangeline 

Dylan and Evangeline 

Jack opening his eggs from the egg hunt we went to yesterday

Your new sister has arrived :-)

Evangeline Nicole D has arrived. She came 4/4/14 at 10:07am weighed 6lbs 10.4oz and was 19.5inches long...she has jondice and I'm breast feeding her and trying to get her to gain weight...so far she got down to 5lbs 13oz and is now back up to 6lbs 2oz but today she weighed 6lbs again but think it was difference in scales cuz one was at doctors office (6 2) and the other was at Wic. Anyway she reminds me of both you girls even of you were smaller than her. You were 5lbs 9oz Rowsheall and you were 5 9.5oz Katelyn. She is so tiny you were 19 inches long both of you...I know you got to this size at some point...I am praying she starts gaining weight soon because I don't want to supplement with formula which I have need doing a little...anyway just thought I would share the good news of her safe arrival xoxo here is a pic of her xoxo

Can't wait to see you girls! Love you miss you so very much! Going to try and sleep...gn

Sincerely,

Your loving birthmother 

Rabeka Jo (F) D

Ps your brothers are thrilled to have a sister at home. And Johnny and I are happy as well. I can't believe she is finally here and I actually got to take her home. God is great isn't He?! Praise The Lord we made it through and are home enjoying life with a new baby best we can. Anyway love you both so much! Love you and miss you! Talk to you again soon xoxo

Can't stop thinking bout you

I had a memory of Rowsheall on your second birthday when we were singing to you happy birthday and you sang along singing "happy to me happy to me" over and over. Precious child why didn't I see you for the blessing you were even if I was frustrated and sleep deprived and couldn't understand your inability to understand why leaving baby Katelyn alone to sleep was a good thing to do so mom and you could have one on one time...but why didn't anyone help me understand this was fine and this is how to cope with it...whatever that was....Katelyn you used to get this expression of eyebrows rise mouth in Oh shape whenever I came into view of you...this was prior to your removal and it was so hard on our first visit simply because I expected this excited baby girl to be excited to see me her mom and there you were crying for your mom the whole hour first visit and I was devastated...I'm sorry girls I let you down...now I'm unable to get pictures and hope you find me in three to four years not many more after that cuz I don't think I or your brothers can wait long after that...they can't wait until you come and rejoin our family in three years Rowsheall and you Katelyn in four years...they keep asking about you girls...I cry over you girls just as if it happened yesterday...you were and will always be my worst loss I've lost in my life and I will say that until the day I die.

I miss you both so terribly much! And cannot wait to see you again hopefully soon! Love you so much it hurts!

Ttyl

Sincerely,

Rabeka Jo F (D) your loving birth mother who is patiently waiting for your 18th birthdays Rowsheall march 2017 and Katelyn aug 2018 (my dob 5/1980) xoxoxo

Happy new year baby girls! Mommy misses you!

Hope you got to stay up late and bang pots and pans to ring in the New Years like me and the boys did. Also put together a puzzle like we always did for as long as I can remember (my mom, me, my sister, and sometimes our two cousins). I picked an angel shaped puzzle with tiny angels all over. It's a gorgeous puzzle but very difficult. But I had fun doing it.

Anyways, love you both so very much here is to a blessed year for us all and I pray we get to be apart of each others lives soon! I miss you so very much it hurts so bad! I will say this until the day I die, losing you two girls is and will always be my hardest loss I've faced in my whole life. Josie your sisters death, River Lyric your brother who was still born, and your grandma Sally's death after a long fight against breast and skin cancer. I cry as if I lost you yesterday when I speak of our wrongful ruling. When I tell my side of the story, I know people think I had to of done something wrong to have you both removed and adopted out to strangers to me. But I really seriously don't see or feel I did anything to deserve this horrible loss. I really don't think removing children from their homes is a solution to any problem. I think they should house the whole unit in a facility or move in a supervisor into the home of the family. Cameras or human being. Help "preserve the family unit" as they are supposed to be doing, but failed to do that for us as a family unit. Grass was greener on the other side of the fence, sure I was scraping by, but you both were fed, clothed, and had a roof over your head. My best wasn't good enough. I starved so you could eat at times when money got really tight. I hope and pray you understand my side of the story, and never doubt me and how I seen the whole case unfold and destroyed my life.

Anyway,

Love you both so much and your brothers, dad (Johnny my husband), and I can't wait to meet you!

I miss you so very much! 

Talk to later,

With love,

Your loving biological mother who is waiting with her arms wide open for your return home,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

Place your bets

Having my seventh and final baby well third for here with me anyways place your bets here http://bellybets.com/gameboard-main-1002520 no prizes just fun :-) enjoy!

Halloween is coming up...

Hello girls,
I was just thinking about you girls and wonder if you are too old now to dress up for Halloween or not and if not what you would be this year...
I also had a fun fact for Rowsheall not sure if I said it before or not but here it is...you were almost named Meesha Katrina Lyn H. how crazy would that of been? Rowsheall I was going to nick name you Shelby  later in your life but never got the chance...you dad Bruce called you Critter while you were in mommy's tummy.
Katelyn I had help from my sister Jami Lyn and mom, and best friend Lisa Marie...with your name and pretty much was sold on your name first time we decided what it would be a combination of my sister and best friend's names...
I love you girls so very much and miss you so much, I can't wait to see you again...
I also have some good news and ask for positive prayers not prayers that say don't and cancel out negative words...I ask for prayers that say what we want and that is to have a happy healthy living breathing baby that will stay here with the living on earth for a long life....yes that is right April 12, 2014 I am due to have another baby. We don't know what it is yet, and have a detailed sonogram coming up that hopefully will tell us that and that its a healthy happy baby. I am excited. No matter what happens this will be my last baby I am to get fixed so I can't have any more after this happy ending or not. My body won't make it through another baby after this...and I am hoping it will make it through this last one.
Rowsheall you were due April 10, 1999 I had you March 29th instead...Katelyn you were due Aug 10, 2000 I think and was actually born the 15th...you have two brothers with me waiting to meet you and a sister and brother in heaven waiting to meet you too along with grandma Sally...I hope this baby will be here also waiting for you to meet you...I will keep you posted.
I love you miss you and can't wait to hold you again...you were and always will be my biggest loss I have experienced in my life...and nothing my life can throw at me will ever change the way I feel about the situation that led us lives apart.
Sincerely,
your loving birth mother who is waiting with open arms,
Rabeka Jo (F) D xoxoxo

Happy birthday Katelyn!

Dear Katelyn, 

Wow you're 13?! Can't imagine you that big I still see you holding your feet swinging them around in your diapers and your little top knot hair do up do the foster mom always put you girls in...man you're a teenager now! I'm a mom to two teenagers? Wow how did that happen?! I blinked I guess.

I hope you had a wonderful birthday today and got surrounded by your family and friends and had cake and ice cream and got everything you wanted for your birthday.

I miss you and your sister so much it hurts every waking moment of every single day and I'm counting on in five years you coming home to me! Only five more years then I get to hold you in my arms again?! I can't wait! The last 11 years has flown by so five years is nothing compared to what it's been! I can't wait! And I'm sorry if I can't let you go for a long time when I do finally get to hold you again in my arms...but I won't be able to help myself!

I love you so much! I can't wait to see you and your sister soon!

Talk to you again soon!

Sincerely,

Your loving biological mother who is waiting with her arms stretched wide for your return home to me!

Rabeka Jo D (F) dob 5/1980

Happy Easter Baby Girls

Dear Rowsheall Kailyn and Katelyn Marie,

Happy Easter baby Girls Mommy hopes you have a wonderful day today hunting eggs with your family and friends and eating a Easter Feast and maybe even going to church service and learning about the reason why we celebrate today...I can't believe it's our 11th Easter away from each other but it is...I hope all those Easters before was wonderful for you also...the boys are ready to hunt eggs in the morning...and then have a feast tomorrow with our family (Drew family) It will no doubt be empty without you girls, my mom Sally (your grandma), and Dylan and Jack's Aunt Melissa (I guess she is your aunt too because mommy is married to her brother) Anyway babies I hate to leave this short, I just wanted to drop a quick line to you both...Love you so very much miss you terribly bad...I can't wait to see you in 4/5 years maybe 6 I hope not too much longer after 6 if it has to be postponed...anyway...I love you both so very much! I can't wait really I can't...

Love you so much see you soon!

Sincerely,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

p.s. Mommy is having trouble with her legs hurting badly...they ruled out all muscle diseases by doing a biopsy on her leg muscle...everything is normal far as muscles go...so next I guess we go to a back specialist and see if it is related to my lower back being bent over and over again my legs do tend to get worse...anyway....in Sad news Katelyn's grandma on her Dad Kenneth Raymond Fairchild's side passed away awhile ago and it was sad because she never got to meet you just like your dad never met you because I was so sure that Bruce was your father and for that I can never forgive myself...and I don't expect anyone else to forgive me...anyway I love you both I hope your dad is still around Katelyn when you come find me so you can see him and get to know him also...he is a really nice guy and why I didn't stay with him I may never know...I guess I was meant to be with Johnny...even if I struggle with some of my pet peves day to day...I just take it one day at a time...least I can do with all I have done through our 10 year marriage...(this July 2013 will be 10 years)...Anyways talk to you later and see you soon! Love you both!

To my Sweet 14 year old daughter

Dear Rowsheall Kailyn,
Mommy keeps writing the same things over and over again on how much I miss you dearly and how much I love you so very much...but the pain still aches to see your face and touch you and hold you once more...it hurts so bad...I cry just thinking about our reunion in four years maybe five depending on if you wait until your sister is old enough...which I understand if you do decide to wait for her to be able to also see me and let me hold her also...I hope you had a wonderful Birthday yesterday...sorry I didn't write that day but I thought of you throughout the day and day dreamed of you being surrounded by all your loving family and friends maybe even a sleep over with your best friend or two...I wish I could have been there for you...I can't imagine you being 14 (same things I say every year I know but I really can't imagine you being any older than 3 when I last saw you)...I wish I could see you now but I know that isn't possible...especially now that laws changed when we got a new government runner person...they screwed me just as the system that took you screwed me...I called Lori she told me I could send stuff to someone in town and they would send it to Topeka and put it in a file for you when you turn 18 and come searching for me...thats all I can do...I will send this blog info to that folder and if I have the time and money to print this entire blog off and send it I will but it maybe more difficult than I think...because I lack that motivation to do all that with the doubt that comes to mind when I think of you turning 18 and don't come looking for me which I know is a possibility but I can only hope and keep dreaming that you do seek me out like I told you could once you turned 18...we counted stuffed animals to 18 on Aug 29, 2002 on our last visit...you were very confused about what I meant and I am not sure how long it took you to realize you wouldn't be able to see me again until your 18...I hope you don't hate me...I hope you have the good day dreams I have where your happy, healthy and have everything your heart desires...

The boys Dylan and Jack your brothers are very excited to see you in 4 years...they are sad that they won't be able to before hand in pictures or whatever the adoptive parents would allow you to be involved in our lives...heart breaking really...they definitely don't make my life very easy sometimes because they want so badly to see you both they cry and make me cry too and we cry together...

I called Lori Chandler through SRS the lady who handled our case...she checked for loops for me to be able to get pictures of you girls but there were none...they changed everything...so I am stuck not knowing what you look like or who you have become or what you like or anything until you come find me and bless our lives with us being able to finally know you and be there for you...

Anyway, I hope your day was Blessed with everyone and everything your heart desires (sorry if I am the one you lacked today as being someone you wanted there for your birthday I would be there if I could baby) If I had the chance I would jump on the opportunity to come and be there for you I would in a heartbeat!

Love you so very much and miss you terribly bad....I can't wait I am about to count the days until your 18th birthday with paper rings (like you may have done in school) but 365x4 would be 1,540 rings and that is a bit long of a chain I will definitely will do one with one year to go and hope I can keep remembering to tear off each ring as days go by but I am sure with the eagerness of it all I will no doubt remember and wish I could tear more than one off to bring you closer to your 18th birthday so we can see each other again...I love you so much I will talk to you again later...

Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D

Youthville called :-(

This is my status update right now on Facebook...I copied and pasted it here so I could share without having to write all out to you...

Finally Youthville called me back...sorry Kenneth Ray Fairchild father of Katelyn they aren't able to help me get in contact with the adoptive parents...she referred me to dcf...they said no contact was established or maintained for ten years that maybe why they don't have my case file so they could help me...so I been barking up the wrong tree for how many months? Thinking they are off on a mission to find my case file...but nope...just avoided my phone call all this time! I need time to regroup after this heart wrenching disappointment...I thought she cared...I thought man they are digging deep for me and will call me any day...gosh I'm crying so bad...hate this horrible system...they screwed me out of my girls and they were the reason I got out of bed...without them I spent every waking hour at the bar then walked curb to curb at night...I'm surprised I was alive when my husband walked into my mothers house placing a bid on our house...I was heading out the door to go drink....my mom begged me to stay and meet this man bidding on the house...she stalled me long enough for me to meet him...and that was it...a perfect distraction to my pain I was facing....which safely I can honestly say hurts way way way way worse than losing a child to death...twice I went through that now remember?...worse than losing your rock foundation (your mother)...yes that was really hard...but I swear on my mothers grave having my girls taken was worse than those losses...even combined I don't think they would even begin to graze this pain I experienced when my girls...being told for fifteen months I was doing all I was supposed to be doing that I was definitely getting them back...then in court total back stab...I refused to do this or that, things taken way out of context held against me...they totally blind sided me but no one believes me because how could a system built to protect children steal children that would make their families at risk of having the same done to them...I the mother had to of done something to deserve this that I am not disclosing...nope I just trusted my Youthville team to help me get my girls back and they set me up...and I fell for all their back stabs...now I trust no one...wonder why...now this?! It took me ten years to wrack up enough balls to contact them for fear of rejection...ad here is my rejection day it came...I really don't know if I can handle much more of the pointing fingers...and rejection...this is the fear that prevented me from contacting anyone about this for ten years and I faced it and got exactly what I feared...rejection...I'm crying so hard! Its like I lost them all over again...

Update

Well girls...my health has gone weird...my whole right side is numb but its not a stroke...doctors dont know what is wrong with me...I'm pretty frustrated with that...still havent heard back from Youthville im really mad about that going to call again tomorrow and try to talk to a manager of the lady who is supposed to find you and see about getting pictures...right now I feel as if you both dont even exist...i never had you...but i know thats not true...i spent many nights being thrown up on by you both when you had the flu...and tried my best to raise you...but seemed I could never do anything right...still don't feel I can do anything right...your brothers are spoiled rotten brats...and Dylan can't control his actions and is always hurting Jack...and Jack always over reacts to Dylan's actions....glad winter break is over...
I hope you both had a wonderful blessed Christmas...we did pretty good this year...just as always hard on me...with Grandma Sally not here (in heaven) and your sister Josie and brother River too...now aunt Melissa you never met because she is my husbands sister also died...its just hard...

The hardest loss was losing you two girls hands down...I still get teary when I talk about how you were robbed from me who wanted to learn how to raise you and do it right...still want to learn for your brothers...but this depression from losing you girls has gotten the best of me and Dylan keeps mouthing back to me...and idk what to do about it...and my family wont let me take him to get psych help...because it my open a can of worms on me and I lose your brothers too...and that sends me into such a panic attack...it should of killed me when I lost you two...it did for quite a few months...still feel dead inside from it today...but I have to keep living so I can see you again someday...

Well I talked to Katelyns dad tonight he has stage one lung cancer which also is my fire to try and get pictures so he can see you before he dies...hopefully he will stick around and be able to meet you someday soon...5 more years for Katelyn after her birthday this year and 4 more years for Rowsheall...I really hope you come find us sooner than when you're 18 but idk even if you want to...and I hope you stick around for a long time...once you do come back...but a lot of adopted kids come find their biological parents visit a few times then that's it...I hope that's not the case with us...I want to get to know you both and you to get to know me and my husband and your brothers...

We are still trying to have a baby but with no luck so probably isn't going to happen :( but maybe if I get my life together and health managed...then maybe we can adopt a little girl...I doubt it though because of my losing you :-(

Anyway we ain't to that bridge yet...soon as I know what's going on with my health I will let you know...

I love you deeply and miss you more than anyone else on earth...I can't wait to see your faces!

I pray for you daily

Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother
Rabeka Jo D (F) dob 5/1980

PS we maybe moving in June and selling our house up north...don't know where we will move...but hopefully rent and not have to worry about repairs anymore...so sick of being home owners...would like to eventually sell our rentals as well...hope the housing market picks up soon...so we can sell for a reasonable price...anyways just a heads up...love you miss you

I called youthville and asked for pictures

Dear girls I finally broke down and called youthville and asked for pictures of you girls and possible contact fully up to your parents...that was on October 1st, 2012...on October 3rd youthville called back stating they couldn't find our case files so I gave them your birth dates...hoping to hear from them tomorrow with good news...if not I may call them again tomorrow...I keep praying they find our case and get ahold of your parents soon...so I can finally show the boys that your older than they are and so I can get pictures of katelyn to her dad who isn't doing so well with his lung cancer and his mom isn't doing well either...wish I had done this before my mom died so she could have seen you before she passed away...but I struggled with rejection still do struggle but I already let one dying relative of yours down...it's the least I can do for him since my ignorance caused him pain...I'm sorry I didn't know that they did a DNA test on you girls when you were in the system and thought nothing about their inquire about me being sure katelyn was Bruce's or not...if they would have said they found Bruce wasn't the father I would have told them his name and got him informed of the situation...but they didn't which was another way the system failed our family...
Anyways my hopes are up to get pictures if not more...and also would like to send pictures of your brothers and sister...and would like to share this blog with your parents and they can decide to share it with you or not when they feel you're ready to read it all...but mainly just hope to be able to watch you grow through pictures prior to now on through the years...I wouldn't mind contact or visitations...it's absolutely up to your parents how involved they want me to be in your lives...I love you both so very much and miss you tremendously as stated in all my posts thus far...the broke record will continue on with those statements until you are home with me again...of course you will be grown women by then and will no doubt be eager to be out on your own but I hope you get to know me before you head out into the great big world and life out there...
Love you bunches!
Hope to see your faces soon!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Ps. I'm sorry it took me so long to build up the nerve to inquire about pictures and I'm sorry I didn't pursue them back in 2003 but the person I talked to made it sound like it was impossible and a long process...then when I got word that I could write a letter to the parents I ended up writing ten page letters trying to justify why I deserve to watch you grow through pictures...which was stated in all details placed in the third post to this blog...so oldest posts third one up from the bottom...on this blog gives details as to how you girls were wrongfully taken from me...anyways praying God will ease my worries soon...and your faces are again present in my life again and from here on out...if that's all I get I will be blessed so if I end up with more...I would be very blessed and over flowing...love you ttyl