Dear both girls

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn,
I am sorry for nearly giving up on life. I'm in counseling now and going through a program that will help me get on track called ontrak and I'm excited. Hopefully by the time you come home to meet me I will be rid of my deep depression and have my fibromyalgia more controlled that is if that's possible.
I am still here, just going through motions but I am breathing still. I am going to get through this and come out on top I hope at least.
Just wanted to let you know I ain't going to end my life anymore nor run away. I'm fighting the good fight.
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother
Rabeka Jo (F) D

Happy 17th birthday Katelyn!

Dear Katelyn,
One more year till you can come find me idk if I can hold out until then. My life has come to a terrible circumstance and there is not much I can do to change it. What's done is done and I'm an idiot in the end. Please know I love you and your siblings each and everyone of them so much. And I hope to see you someday. But I may not be able to. I probably will fail as I always do but if I do succeed I probably won't see you.
Maybe that's better for you girls anyway.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo  (F) D

April 11, 2017

Dear girls,
If you are reading this blog then it means you got my information from Topeka I just sent today, and are curious about me. That makes me excited. I encourage you to look on the right side of this blog and find the timeline and start reading from the oldest to newest and learn what tore us apart. But I want you to know I've come a long way in my frustrations as you will read along the way to the newest. And I sincerely mean you were both concieved in 3 places: my womb and your two parents hearts. And this is what has kept me going and continuing to wait for you girls to finish the game of hide and seek I told you about at our last visit. I realize you may not remember our last time spent together and I wanna apologize for the paper copies of pictures because I didn't have time to put together a memory book for you girls as I was told entering court I was getting you two back. And at the time I could not afford anything else. Now photo copies are really cheap. But some of the faded possibly ruined photo copies are scanned and placed on this blog. And know I was not allowed to show my devistation to you girls on our last visit as it would have ended our visit early. Grandma Sally (my mom) would have loved to of been here for our reunion as she helped me raise you both for the 2 yrs and 11/12 days and Katelyn's 8 months before you were taken from us leaving us devistated. until Jan 19, 2009 my mom fought long and hard but skin cancer won, and she is no longer suffering. I'm sorry to say that because she loved you girls so intensely. April 10, 2001 you were taken from us. By the time we got visitation Katelyn did not recognize me and cried for her momma the entire visit who was right in front of her. And a small piece of me died that day. I didn't give up I fought hard and did all they told me to, but it wasn't fast enough not good enough and I was made out to look and feel like the poorest excuse for a human being. The long journey through the set ups and back stabs can be found in the third to the last post of this blog.
Just know I've come a very long ways since then as far as acceptance and I own up to the part of trusting the wrong people now and that is a huge step for me. I was young and single and supporting my mother financially and the timing for the agency couldn't have been better for them to win. We had to put our home up for sale in the midst of the battle which was good for the agency to show uncertainty as far as where we would of ended up so it looked very bad and so thus the greener grass on the other side of the fence justified in their claims and they ran with them. I wasn't rich. I'm still am not rich. I needed guidance and got the bull.
God had his hand on where you ended up at least that is my hope I've held onto for awhile now. And I hope your life has been ten fold of what you girls deserved since it was a life I couldn't offer you at the time nor probably now...
I wanna let you know before you venture into my past posts that you have a brother born Nov 2003, a brother born Sept 2005 and a sister born April 2014 who are at home with me now and my husband of 13 nearly 14 years in July (2003) and they can't wait to meet their sisters. And that you also have a sister born Sept 2, 2008 who died of hlhs and turner syndrome Sept. 3, 2008 and then a brother who was stillborn March 18, 2011 at 28 weeks along are also waiting to meet you in heaven. And yes I had 5 more after you girls so total of 7 kids for me. I wasn't looking to replace you. I was born to be a mother and had to prove it to myself. Even if these teen years are making me just as with any parent, doubt my mothering skills as they are very trying times.
But still think I couldn't have gotten through these 14 years without you without them, no matter how hard it has been to get here where I am today. I'm in no way shape or form perfect and I don't claim to be. And I hope and pray I don't disappoint you, but rather build a relationship with you girls even if from a distance. I will take what I can get to feel whole again. I been walking around with part of a heart all these years. And hopefully I can have it whole again sooner than later by you reaching out. Again I'm scared I will disappoint you because of the lack of money compared to what you I hope were raised in as that was my biggest hope and dream, that your parents didn't have to go without to provide what you needed and wanted like I was doing to provide you with your needs. But I had to make sacrifices to provide for my family and that was fine we were making it work some how. Just that timing couldn't have been any worse for me.
Know I love and miss you so very much and I'm sorry if after awhile my posts seem to just repeat over and over the same messages but I never raised a girl from age 2 to 18 before and my desire to just see you girls in pictures over the years was all I ever wanted but was not able to because of the court taking away my rights because I wasn't given the option to walk away and sign my rights away they led me to believe I was getting you girls back. Again why no photo album sent nor anything special other than fashion jewelery of my grandmother and what gifts I gave over the course of the court proceedings which I hope you got to keep.
Also would like Katelyn to know I did not know DNA testing was performed and Bruce was not found to not be your father the system approached it as "you sure Katelyn is Bruce's child?" Not well we did DNA and Bruce isn't the father which then I would of said Kenneth Raymond F was your father and that could of left the court open and that is probably why they did not put it that way since I looked my worse at that point in time even if normal parents put houses up for sale and don't know where they will end up because it's based on how much is going to be made at the sale as to how much can be put down on the next place etc. (I learned of the DNA testing in 2011 from Bruce's mom Darlene Ramona H) But the standard while in the system is that of impossible expectations and unachievable housing etc. While paying for court ordered classes and house payments and bills on poor people funds is impossible and unachievable. I do feel I failed you girls. But at the same time I hope and pray God picked you both up and gave you the life you needed. That I was unable to provide at the time. So it's a balancing act until I know for sure.
And know I'm an open book and have never been able to tell a lie and will be honest with you. And hope you can be honest and truthful despite my high hopes. you are encouraged to set me straight on my dream life I prayed you'd have. And I hope you can be honest and opened about it all regardless of what I've said here on the blog.
Well I need to go back to sleep. I love you both so very much and miss you dearly. I hope my blog doesnt rub you the wrong way and push you farther away. But the exact opposite I hope it draws you closer to me and we can pick up the pieces of my painful past and move forward in a relationship of birth mother and daughter's xoxo.
Sincerely,
Your loving waiting birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
D.o.b. 5-1980
Ps I have fibromyalgia and had L5S1 fusion surgery I can be found on Instagram frogluvrks
I'm struggling but finally came to grips with my health which borderline diabetes type 2 is also lurking and possible hyper thyroid is also looming there trying to take after my dad (diabetes) and my mom (thyroid). So lots of pain emotionally and physically but I'm pushing through for you girls so we can someday meet. Hopefully sooner than later. But I understand if you feel you need to wait until Katelyn is 18. Or until you catch up on my blog. Whichever you feel you need to do. I also welcome your parents to come as well. I would like to thank them for being there for you girls when I couldn't be. And I'm not looking to replace them. They are your parents and will be forever. I respect that. Good night sweet baby girls until we meet. I will continue to write here to you updating you on me and my life and wishing you happy birthdays and holidays until you come find me. Xoxo see you soon!

Happy 18th birthday Rowsheall Kailyn

Dear Rowsheall,
The day is finally here. The game of hide and seek can end today. (That's what I told you on our last visit). I'm here in the same house open armed and got memory box and pictures and DVD of our home videos of the supervised visits (minus the last visit because the supervisor screwed up the camera grr) anyways baby girl I was in labor all day the 28th started getting real about 1:00amish so went to the hospital they sent me home around 1:30am  because I wasn't making progress was still at a 3 came back half an hour later I was a 7 then at 2:16am had you. Glad I got back in time. Anyways.
Thankful you were adopted quickly after the last visitation that was Aug 29, 2002. And I look at the adoption as you were concieved not only in my womb but also in the hearts of the parents who raised you.
I'm super excited to see you...Well meet you and see what a beautiful woman you are today. I was born at 1:08am and you were born at 2:16am so X2 :) how I remember, you're the only one I remember the time for, I have to look up everyone else's :) anyways. I hope you have a great birthday today and I hope I'm included in your celebration as I can hardly contain my excitement to finally be able to hug you and hold you again.
If you wanna wait until Katelyn turns 18 and you both can come find me I understand that I will still be waiting how ever long you wanna wait but I hope not too long after Katelyn turns 18. Idk if I can wait much longer after that. It's been a long 14 years 7 months since I last held you, heard you laugh, heard your voice, kissed you, hugged you, sung you are my sunshine, and fought back tears because my heart was breaking in a million pieces and I didn't want our visit to end early. I'm sorry I failed you. But I hope it was for your best. God had his hand on where you ended up. I feel it. Even if the devil won the court system and made it fail us and destroyed me and our family. I'm still here looking forward in meeting you. You all are why I keep going. I keep fighting the depression and fibromyalgia and whatever else that is going on with my health the doctor doesn't know keeps sending me places I had L5S1 fusion surgery. Now I get to see a rheumatologist about the elevated inflammation levels. Hopefully I can walk away with better answers as to why I hurt so bad physically and have a better pain management plan in place and can function better in my day. I will keep fighting the good fight no matter how much I wanna just quit. You will come find me either today or someday soon and I will be waiting with my arms opened wide. I had Torticolis outbreak this morning so pardon my neck brace if you do come today.
I love you and miss you so much I can't hardly contain myself!

Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
D.O.B. 5-1980

P.s. my husband bought my mom's house which is why I'm in the same house as when you two were robbed from me April 10, 2001 ironically your due date.