Dear girls I finally broke down and called youthville and asked for pictures of you girls and possible contact fully up to your parents...that was on October 1st, 2012...on October 3rd youthville called back stating they couldn't find our case files so I gave them your birth dates...hoping to hear from them tomorrow with good news...if not I may call them again tomorrow...I keep praying they find our case and get ahold of your parents soon...so I can finally show the boys that your older than they are and so I can get pictures of katelyn to her dad who isn't doing so well with his lung cancer and his mom isn't doing well either...wish I had done this before my mom died so she could have seen you before she passed away...but I struggled with rejection still do struggle but I already let one dying relative of yours down...it's the least I can do for him since my ignorance caused him pain...I'm sorry I didn't know that they did a DNA test on you girls when you were in the system and thought nothing about their inquire about me being sure katelyn was Bruce's or not...if they would have said they found Bruce wasn't the father I would have told them his name and got him informed of the situation...but they didn't which was another way the system failed our family...
Anyways my hopes are up to get pictures if not more...and also would like to send pictures of your brothers and sister...and would like to share this blog with your parents and they can decide to share it with you or not when they feel you're ready to read it all...but mainly just hope to be able to watch you grow through pictures prior to now on through the years...I wouldn't mind contact or visitations...it's absolutely up to your parents how involved they want me to be in your lives...I love you both so very much and miss you tremendously as stated in all my posts thus far...the broke record will continue on with those statements until you are home with me again...of course you will be grown women by then and will no doubt be eager to be out on your own but I hope you get to know me before you head out into the great big world and life out there...
Love you bunches!
Hope to see your faces soon!
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Ps. I'm sorry it took me so long to build up the nerve to inquire about pictures and I'm sorry I didn't pursue them back in 2003 but the person I talked to made it sound like it was impossible and a long process...then when I got word that I could write a letter to the parents I ended up writing ten page letters trying to justify why I deserve to watch you grow through pictures...which was stated in all details placed in the third post to this blog...so oldest posts third one up from the bottom...on this blog gives details as to how you girls were wrongfully taken from me...anyways praying God will ease my worries soon...and your faces are again present in my life again and from here on out...if that's all I get I will be blessed so if I end up with more...I would be very blessed and over flowing...love you ttyl
Sunday, October 07, 2012
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Katelyn and Rowsheall sorry so late
I didn't forget your birthday...I feel like I've said all I can and I'm just repeating myself over and over again...I did think of you on your birthday and was going to write to you but just was overwhelmed with the feeling of saying the same things over and over...I miss you both so much and think so often of you it hurts...I love you both so very much that words could never express my love for you both...
Update on me...I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and it's the pits...no rhyme or reason for being in pain and being tired majority of the time...I'm a mess...falling apart...feel so much older than I am...
Your brothers are still quarreling I'm not sure if siblings ever grow out of that...I hope you two are best friends and are taking care of each other...hope your birthday was great Katelyn...sorry I didn't write sooner...but again felt repetitive and discouraged about the whole blog thing since I feel I'm just talking to myself right now and random strangers who pass through blogs and find it...whichever is fine I just wish I had feedback to keep me going...I'm doing my best and sometimes that's not enough...like when I lost you girls it wasn't enough...
So been working on that with my counselor because I feel I can't do anything right anymore...
I started a Lego blanket for your brothers (crochet) its coming along nicely...guess that's one thing I can do right...anyways
I love you both and miss you both so very much you have no idea how wide my arms are waiting for you to return home to me!
Talk to you soon I hope.
Sincerely,
Your loving birthmother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Ps...katelyn your not really 12 are you' it really hasn't been 10 years since I last seen you? Where has the time gone?! You will be here sooner than I know it! 6 more years! Can't wait! And your biological father can't wait to meet you he loves you so very much I hope his health waits for your return home to take him home...he has lung cancer :-( but he is fighting it with all he has! He really wished he would have known you were his years ago...and quite frankly I wish I knew too... Talk to you later love you
Update on me...I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and it's the pits...no rhyme or reason for being in pain and being tired majority of the time...I'm a mess...falling apart...feel so much older than I am...
Your brothers are still quarreling I'm not sure if siblings ever grow out of that...I hope you two are best friends and are taking care of each other...hope your birthday was great Katelyn...sorry I didn't write sooner...but again felt repetitive and discouraged about the whole blog thing since I feel I'm just talking to myself right now and random strangers who pass through blogs and find it...whichever is fine I just wish I had feedback to keep me going...I'm doing my best and sometimes that's not enough...like when I lost you girls it wasn't enough...
So been working on that with my counselor because I feel I can't do anything right anymore...
I started a Lego blanket for your brothers (crochet) its coming along nicely...guess that's one thing I can do right...anyways
I love you both and miss you both so very much you have no idea how wide my arms are waiting for you to return home to me!
Talk to you soon I hope.
Sincerely,
Your loving birthmother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Ps...katelyn your not really 12 are you' it really hasn't been 10 years since I last seen you? Where has the time gone?! You will be here sooner than I know it! 6 more years! Can't wait! And your biological father can't wait to meet you he loves you so very much I hope his health waits for your return home to take him home...he has lung cancer :-( but he is fighting it with all he has! He really wished he would have known you were his years ago...and quite frankly I wish I knew too... Talk to you later love you
Friday, March 30, 2012
Here is my first letter rough draft of what I am going to send to your parents if and when I finally get a hold of Tina Anthony in Topeka and get communication opened between us...so its kind of in the making and some info was removed because its privileged information not public and I don't want it on this public blog (as if I haven't already posted too much already but ya know hey I am trying to be more discreet about things believe that or not) Anyways here goes:
Dear Mom and Dad to two beautiful Angels named Rowsheall Kailyn and Katelyn Marie,
My name is Rabeka Jo D (F) I am the birth mother to those two baby girls whom I think about every waking hour of every single day.
I am sorry it has taken me so long to get into contact with you, but I didn't think I could handle rejection back then. I'm sorry for assuming you would reject me, but I felt I had to justify my contacting you, which my first letter at that time would have been over whelming to you all 10 pages and all. So I'm going to keep this letter as short as possible, but I wanted to update you all on how my life has changed since the girls were wrongfully taken from me but due to circumstances out of my control deemed us lives apart.
Feb 2003 I met my now husband John, July of same year we were married, Nov of same year Dylan Jacob our son was born. Sept. of 2005 Jack Elliott our 2nd son was born. Sept. 2, 2008 Josephine Kay our daughter was born but sadly her diagnosis of Hypoplastic left heart syndrome took her from us 19hrs and 34mins after her birth.
My mother Sally Jo beat breast cancer back in 99 when Rowsheall was born and again in 2008 when it came back but sadly she had skin cancer and lost her battle Jan 19, 2009. She loved the girls deeply and was crushed by the ruling as crushed as I was.
March 18, 2011 River Lyric our son was born stillborn, he was 28 weeks we were due June 5, 2011.
End of Jan I had my right ovary and tube removed due to ruptured cysts and I had a cyst removed from my left tube. I am recovering from that. My husband's sister who was adopted with her sister to my in-laws passed away Jan 26, 2012. Which is my motivation to get our communication finally opened.
Again I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get things done but from what I've disclosed here you can imagine why it has taken this long.
How are the girls? What are they like? What are they into now (Bratz? Barbies? computers? etc.) Can I have pictures from when they first joined your loving family on up to current? (is that too much to ask?) I have missed them so very much, as I said before there has not been a single day that passes that I don't think about them wondering what they are like what they look like, who they have become to be and who you two are. I dream of them and I never want to wake up because I'm finally holding them again. Anyway, I'm here finally not guarded and ready to get to know you all, as you get to know me too. Thank you for your dedication to raise the girls as your own, Thank you for loving them as your own, thank you for everything you do! And Thank you for your time to let me into your lives at this time.
God Bless you all. I love you even if I never met you.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
Birth mother of the girls who light your life everyday.
p.s. I am an open book anything you want to know I am willing to tell you everything you want to know thanks. just ask.
back to posting to you girls...short and sweet? right? to the point? but it feels so cold to me...and rushed...don't it? thats why its a draft...but I have so much to tell your parents and you guys too...but its the first letter and its not supposed to be 10 pages long...so not to overwhelm them right?
Hey readers of my blog could I get some feedback here? I would really appreciate some feedback as to what to say and not to say as a letter going to adoptive parents I have never met before and know NOTHING about...thanks readers of my blog I really like getting multiple inputs on my life dilemma so I can choose what sounds like the right thing for me to do and say...so thank you for your input cause I really like ideas cause some things I haven't thought up yet...so thanks for your time...
Back to the girls...I love you girls and I hope I can get a hold of this lady in Topeka that I was told by someone at the local SRS was who I needed to contact but they said they would email her and have her email me but she never has yet...anyways I love you girls! ttyl
Sincerely,
your loving birth mommy Rabeka Jo D (F)
Dear Mom and Dad to two beautiful Angels named Rowsheall Kailyn and Katelyn Marie,
My name is Rabeka Jo D (F) I am the birth mother to those two baby girls whom I think about every waking hour of every single day.
I am sorry it has taken me so long to get into contact with you, but I didn't think I could handle rejection back then. I'm sorry for assuming you would reject me, but I felt I had to justify my contacting you, which my first letter at that time would have been over whelming to you all 10 pages and all. So I'm going to keep this letter as short as possible, but I wanted to update you all on how my life has changed since the girls were wrongfully taken from me but due to circumstances out of my control deemed us lives apart.
Feb 2003 I met my now husband John, July of same year we were married, Nov of same year Dylan Jacob our son was born. Sept. of 2005 Jack Elliott our 2nd son was born. Sept. 2, 2008 Josephine Kay our daughter was born but sadly her diagnosis of Hypoplastic left heart syndrome took her from us 19hrs and 34mins after her birth.
My mother Sally Jo beat breast cancer back in 99 when Rowsheall was born and again in 2008 when it came back but sadly she had skin cancer and lost her battle Jan 19, 2009. She loved the girls deeply and was crushed by the ruling as crushed as I was.
March 18, 2011 River Lyric our son was born stillborn, he was 28 weeks we were due June 5, 2011.
End of Jan I had my right ovary and tube removed due to ruptured cysts and I had a cyst removed from my left tube. I am recovering from that. My husband's sister who was adopted with her sister to my in-laws passed away Jan 26, 2012. Which is my motivation to get our communication finally opened.
Again I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get things done but from what I've disclosed here you can imagine why it has taken this long.
How are the girls? What are they like? What are they into now (Bratz? Barbies? computers? etc.) Can I have pictures from when they first joined your loving family on up to current? (is that too much to ask?) I have missed them so very much, as I said before there has not been a single day that passes that I don't think about them wondering what they are like what they look like, who they have become to be and who you two are. I dream of them and I never want to wake up because I'm finally holding them again. Anyway, I'm here finally not guarded and ready to get to know you all, as you get to know me too. Thank you for your dedication to raise the girls as your own, Thank you for loving them as your own, thank you for everything you do! And Thank you for your time to let me into your lives at this time.
God Bless you all. I love you even if I never met you.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
Birth mother of the girls who light your life everyday.
p.s. I am an open book anything you want to know I am willing to tell you everything you want to know thanks. just ask.
back to posting to you girls...short and sweet? right? to the point? but it feels so cold to me...and rushed...don't it? thats why its a draft...but I have so much to tell your parents and you guys too...but its the first letter and its not supposed to be 10 pages long...so not to overwhelm them right?
Hey readers of my blog could I get some feedback here? I would really appreciate some feedback as to what to say and not to say as a letter going to adoptive parents I have never met before and know NOTHING about...thanks readers of my blog I really like getting multiple inputs on my life dilemma so I can choose what sounds like the right thing for me to do and say...so thank you for your input cause I really like ideas cause some things I haven't thought up yet...so thanks for your time...
Back to the girls...I love you girls and I hope I can get a hold of this lady in Topeka that I was told by someone at the local SRS was who I needed to contact but they said they would email her and have her email me but she never has yet...anyways I love you girls! ttyl
Sincerely,
your loving birth mommy Rabeka Jo D (F)
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Update on us
Dear Girls,
time for an update on us...We lost my husbands sister...she (Melissa) died Jan 2012 :-( she was looking forward into spoiling you two girls when you came home...she too was adopted with her big sister (Lilly)...she was very comforting when I got on my negative thinking patterns about you guys not being happy and being abused and all those negative thoughts that the devil likes to put through my mind every now and then...she would correct me...that she wasn't in a bad place...and she had a wonderful life...which kind of gives me comfort but at the same time made me feel horrible cause you couldn't be having that wonderful life with me...anyway...we been kind of struggling with that loss...
With the early spring I have been working on my garden which has char-rubs (angel figures) painted to be like you girls...well as I remember you...they don't really look too much like you but I colored their hair and painted eyes on them your eye colors and hair colors...Katelyn is blond with brown eyes (as I remember her) and Rowsheall is brown hair blue eyes (again as I remember her)...I have a girl angel reading to a boy angel sitting on a bench which represents Josie your sister and River your brother I plan to get an anchor to represent your grandmother Sally and now a butterfly to represent your aunt you won't ever meet now Melissa...I also have frogs in there to remind me to Fully Rely On God (FROG) and stepping stones with your brothers hand prints and foot prints...I have bleeding hearts flowers, I have some tulips, I have I believe are sweet Williams coming up but won't be able to be for sure until they bloom...I have some other ones I am not sure of what they are yet...and some decorative grass too...I also intend on planting a vegetable garden and try my hand at that...which I am pretty sure won't work out cause the flowers last year I killed cause I didn't water them lol...I do have brown thumbs...so if you can't grow anything...blame me I don't have any green thumbs...at least yet...anyways...
I am sorry I don't write every holiday it seems I was looking at the blog today and it seems I had missed a few holidays and for that I am sorry...I did think of you and I love you both so very much...I probably didn't get a chance to write on those holidays and then figured I already had posted to you but I obviously didn't plus you girls will probably get tired of reading the same things over and over..."this horrible thing happened to us...I love you so very much...I can't stop thinking about you" blah blah blah....ya know what I always say cause I don't know what else to say because I have nothing coming in to comment on and advise you on things you might be going through at this time or that time...anyways I really do miss you girls so very much and it hurts me so very bad and I can't stress that enough on here...not one single day goes by that I don't think of you...there is always something here to remind me of you just like that song sings always something there to remind me....I really hope you are doing well...I pray for you daily when I think of you...I will talk to you girls later though as I said to Rowsheall earlier...I need to get into bed very soon...I love you so very very very much! and I miss you so very very very much! talk to you soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D (F) (DOB 5-1980) your loving birth mother who is waiting with her arms wide open for your return home to her :-)
time for an update on us...We lost my husbands sister...she (Melissa) died Jan 2012 :-( she was looking forward into spoiling you two girls when you came home...she too was adopted with her big sister (Lilly)...she was very comforting when I got on my negative thinking patterns about you guys not being happy and being abused and all those negative thoughts that the devil likes to put through my mind every now and then...she would correct me...that she wasn't in a bad place...and she had a wonderful life...which kind of gives me comfort but at the same time made me feel horrible cause you couldn't be having that wonderful life with me...anyway...we been kind of struggling with that loss...
With the early spring I have been working on my garden which has char-rubs (angel figures) painted to be like you girls...well as I remember you...they don't really look too much like you but I colored their hair and painted eyes on them your eye colors and hair colors...Katelyn is blond with brown eyes (as I remember her) and Rowsheall is brown hair blue eyes (again as I remember her)...I have a girl angel reading to a boy angel sitting on a bench which represents Josie your sister and River your brother I plan to get an anchor to represent your grandmother Sally and now a butterfly to represent your aunt you won't ever meet now Melissa...I also have frogs in there to remind me to Fully Rely On God (FROG) and stepping stones with your brothers hand prints and foot prints...I have bleeding hearts flowers, I have some tulips, I have I believe are sweet Williams coming up but won't be able to be for sure until they bloom...I have some other ones I am not sure of what they are yet...and some decorative grass too...I also intend on planting a vegetable garden and try my hand at that...which I am pretty sure won't work out cause the flowers last year I killed cause I didn't water them lol...I do have brown thumbs...so if you can't grow anything...blame me I don't have any green thumbs...at least yet...anyways...
I am sorry I don't write every holiday it seems I was looking at the blog today and it seems I had missed a few holidays and for that I am sorry...I did think of you and I love you both so very much...I probably didn't get a chance to write on those holidays and then figured I already had posted to you but I obviously didn't plus you girls will probably get tired of reading the same things over and over..."this horrible thing happened to us...I love you so very much...I can't stop thinking about you" blah blah blah....ya know what I always say cause I don't know what else to say because I have nothing coming in to comment on and advise you on things you might be going through at this time or that time...anyways I really do miss you girls so very much and it hurts me so very bad and I can't stress that enough on here...not one single day goes by that I don't think of you...there is always something here to remind me of you just like that song sings always something there to remind me....I really hope you are doing well...I pray for you daily when I think of you...I will talk to you girls later though as I said to Rowsheall earlier...I need to get into bed very soon...I love you so very very very much! and I miss you so very very very much! talk to you soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D (F) (DOB 5-1980) your loving birth mother who is waiting with her arms wide open for your return home to her :-)
Dear Rowsheall,
Happy 13th Birthday, you must be getting so big by now...its amazing that it will have been 10 years since the last time I seen you on Aug 29th this year...wow how time has flown by...only 5 more years before your 18! I wouldn't mind getting in touch with you before then but I do know for sure you will be getting in touch with me for sure then...at least I hope you will...I hope you had a very blessed birthday with your friends at school and family later that evening :-) I have been thinking about you girls a whole whole lot as always...I don't want to overwhelm you too much with blog posts through out my day when I think of you because I wouldn't want to be hounded in reading all this as it sits with just the holidays, birthdays, and eventful moments that I feel I need to share with you girls...I hope you understand this and don't resent me for not posting everyday...as I had originally intended...which would have walked you through my 15 yrs for you to read about so you knew exactly what I been up to while we were apart...I spare you just know this lol...I love you girls so very much and I can't hardly contain myself with how close we are to seeing each other again! I am so excited!
I love you so much I hope you had a great birthday even best by far this year...I think your in 6th grade by now am I right? wow I remember that year like it was yesterday for me...I didn't really fit in with the kids and struggled to fit in...but I hope you are not having the same issues as I had and I hope you have had a wonderful life so far...the part I hate about us being apart and me writing this to you without knowing the history of what you been through up till now when you are reading this...is hard cause things could be bad there but I gotta trust God in taking care of you both until we can be reunited again...I do tend to wonder my thoughts to the bad ones and worry about your safety and your self esteem...etc...but I can't stay there too long cause it will drive me crazy...I no doubt wish you were here with me as so does your brother Dylan who is 8 now and keeps asking about you girls and when you will be coming home to meet them...and keeps asking why its taking so long...breaks my heart that I screwed this up to where you all couldn't be together...I did do my best though...and as usual it wasn't good enough...anyway I wanted to blog to you since today is your birthday...I hadn't had a chance all day to write to you as I had intended even thought about doing it last night so I was sure it was here today in case you were out there reading this blog secretly...as I kind of hope you are...I also fantasize about you writing me like I am to you so I can catch up on you through your life and your struggles as you have already read through some of mine...I been fighting back tears all day...but tried very hard to keep busy to keep my mind from letting me cave in to the tears...I hate having to explain why I am sad and crying...its definitely easier to just pretend to be happy so no one is concerned just as a post I seen on my facebook had stated...anyway...I love you so much and I don't want to end this but I am afraid I need to...because I need to go to bed so I can get up in the morning to see what damage was done to our property due to a hail storm that just passed through tonight...I hope you weren't anywhere near this storm and had a delightful time on your special day.
I love you I just can't say it enough! my heart aches for you and your sister Katelyn!
I just can't hardly wait!
Talk to you soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D (F) (DOB 5-1980) your loving birth mother who is waiting with her arms wide open
Happy 13th Birthday, you must be getting so big by now...its amazing that it will have been 10 years since the last time I seen you on Aug 29th this year...wow how time has flown by...only 5 more years before your 18! I wouldn't mind getting in touch with you before then but I do know for sure you will be getting in touch with me for sure then...at least I hope you will...I hope you had a very blessed birthday with your friends at school and family later that evening :-) I have been thinking about you girls a whole whole lot as always...I don't want to overwhelm you too much with blog posts through out my day when I think of you because I wouldn't want to be hounded in reading all this as it sits with just the holidays, birthdays, and eventful moments that I feel I need to share with you girls...I hope you understand this and don't resent me for not posting everyday...as I had originally intended...which would have walked you through my 15 yrs for you to read about so you knew exactly what I been up to while we were apart...I spare you just know this lol...I love you girls so very much and I can't hardly contain myself with how close we are to seeing each other again! I am so excited!
I love you so much I hope you had a great birthday even best by far this year...I think your in 6th grade by now am I right? wow I remember that year like it was yesterday for me...I didn't really fit in with the kids and struggled to fit in...but I hope you are not having the same issues as I had and I hope you have had a wonderful life so far...the part I hate about us being apart and me writing this to you without knowing the history of what you been through up till now when you are reading this...is hard cause things could be bad there but I gotta trust God in taking care of you both until we can be reunited again...I do tend to wonder my thoughts to the bad ones and worry about your safety and your self esteem...etc...but I can't stay there too long cause it will drive me crazy...I no doubt wish you were here with me as so does your brother Dylan who is 8 now and keeps asking about you girls and when you will be coming home to meet them...and keeps asking why its taking so long...breaks my heart that I screwed this up to where you all couldn't be together...I did do my best though...and as usual it wasn't good enough...anyway I wanted to blog to you since today is your birthday...I hadn't had a chance all day to write to you as I had intended even thought about doing it last night so I was sure it was here today in case you were out there reading this blog secretly...as I kind of hope you are...I also fantasize about you writing me like I am to you so I can catch up on you through your life and your struggles as you have already read through some of mine...I been fighting back tears all day...but tried very hard to keep busy to keep my mind from letting me cave in to the tears...I hate having to explain why I am sad and crying...its definitely easier to just pretend to be happy so no one is concerned just as a post I seen on my facebook had stated...anyway...I love you so much and I don't want to end this but I am afraid I need to...because I need to go to bed so I can get up in the morning to see what damage was done to our property due to a hail storm that just passed through tonight...I hope you weren't anywhere near this storm and had a delightful time on your special day.
I love you I just can't say it enough! my heart aches for you and your sister Katelyn!
I just can't hardly wait!
Talk to you soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D (F) (DOB 5-1980) your loving birth mother who is waiting with her arms wide open
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