I didn't forget your birthday...I feel like I've said all I can and I'm just repeating myself over and over again...I did think of you on your birthday and was going to write to you but just was overwhelmed with the feeling of saying the same things over and over...I miss you both so much and think so often of you it hurts...I love you both so very much that words could never express my love for you both...
Update on me...I've been diagnosed with fibromyalgia and it's the pits...no rhyme or reason for being in pain and being tired majority of the time...I'm a mess...falling apart...feel so much older than I am...
Your brothers are still quarreling I'm not sure if siblings ever grow out of that...I hope you two are best friends and are taking care of each other...hope your birthday was great Katelyn...sorry I didn't write sooner...but again felt repetitive and discouraged about the whole blog thing since I feel I'm just talking to myself right now and random strangers who pass through blogs and find it...whichever is fine I just wish I had feedback to keep me going...I'm doing my best and sometimes that's not enough...like when I lost you girls it wasn't enough...
So been working on that with my counselor because I feel I can't do anything right anymore...
I started a Lego blanket for your brothers (crochet) its coming along nicely...guess that's one thing I can do right...anyways
I love you both and miss you both so very much you have no idea how wide my arms are waiting for you to return home to me!
Talk to you soon I hope.
Sincerely,
Your loving birthmother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Ps...katelyn your not really 12 are you' it really hasn't been 10 years since I last seen you? Where has the time gone?! You will be here sooner than I know it! 6 more years! Can't wait! And your biological father can't wait to meet you he loves you so very much I hope his health waits for your return home to take him home...he has lung cancer :-( but he is fighting it with all he has! He really wished he would have known you were his years ago...and quite frankly I wish I knew too... Talk to you later love you
Sunday, September 23, 2012
Friday, March 30, 2012
Here is my first letter rough draft of what I am going to send to your parents if and when I finally get a hold of Tina Anthony in Topeka and get communication opened between us...so its kind of in the making and some info was removed because its privileged information not public and I don't want it on this public blog (as if I haven't already posted too much already but ya know hey I am trying to be more discreet about things believe that or not) Anyways here goes:
Dear Mom and Dad to two beautiful Angels named Rowsheall Kailyn and Katelyn Marie,
My name is Rabeka Jo D (F) I am the birth mother to those two baby girls whom I think about every waking hour of every single day.
I am sorry it has taken me so long to get into contact with you, but I didn't think I could handle rejection back then. I'm sorry for assuming you would reject me, but I felt I had to justify my contacting you, which my first letter at that time would have been over whelming to you all 10 pages and all. So I'm going to keep this letter as short as possible, but I wanted to update you all on how my life has changed since the girls were wrongfully taken from me but due to circumstances out of my control deemed us lives apart.
Feb 2003 I met my now husband John, July of same year we were married, Nov of same year Dylan Jacob our son was born. Sept. of 2005 Jack Elliott our 2nd son was born. Sept. 2, 2008 Josephine Kay our daughter was born but sadly her diagnosis of Hypoplastic left heart syndrome took her from us 19hrs and 34mins after her birth.
My mother Sally Jo beat breast cancer back in 99 when Rowsheall was born and again in 2008 when it came back but sadly she had skin cancer and lost her battle Jan 19, 2009. She loved the girls deeply and was crushed by the ruling as crushed as I was.
March 18, 2011 River Lyric our son was born stillborn, he was 28 weeks we were due June 5, 2011.
End of Jan I had my right ovary and tube removed due to ruptured cysts and I had a cyst removed from my left tube. I am recovering from that. My husband's sister who was adopted with her sister to my in-laws passed away Jan 26, 2012. Which is my motivation to get our communication finally opened.
Again I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get things done but from what I've disclosed here you can imagine why it has taken this long.
How are the girls? What are they like? What are they into now (Bratz? Barbies? computers? etc.) Can I have pictures from when they first joined your loving family on up to current? (is that too much to ask?) I have missed them so very much, as I said before there has not been a single day that passes that I don't think about them wondering what they are like what they look like, who they have become to be and who you two are. I dream of them and I never want to wake up because I'm finally holding them again. Anyway, I'm here finally not guarded and ready to get to know you all, as you get to know me too. Thank you for your dedication to raise the girls as your own, Thank you for loving them as your own, thank you for everything you do! And Thank you for your time to let me into your lives at this time.
God Bless you all. I love you even if I never met you.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
Birth mother of the girls who light your life everyday.
p.s. I am an open book anything you want to know I am willing to tell you everything you want to know thanks. just ask.
back to posting to you girls...short and sweet? right? to the point? but it feels so cold to me...and rushed...don't it? thats why its a draft...but I have so much to tell your parents and you guys too...but its the first letter and its not supposed to be 10 pages long...so not to overwhelm them right?
Hey readers of my blog could I get some feedback here? I would really appreciate some feedback as to what to say and not to say as a letter going to adoptive parents I have never met before and know NOTHING about...thanks readers of my blog I really like getting multiple inputs on my life dilemma so I can choose what sounds like the right thing for me to do and say...so thank you for your input cause I really like ideas cause some things I haven't thought up yet...so thanks for your time...
Back to the girls...I love you girls and I hope I can get a hold of this lady in Topeka that I was told by someone at the local SRS was who I needed to contact but they said they would email her and have her email me but she never has yet...anyways I love you girls! ttyl
Sincerely,
your loving birth mommy Rabeka Jo D (F)
Dear Mom and Dad to two beautiful Angels named Rowsheall Kailyn and Katelyn Marie,
My name is Rabeka Jo D (F) I am the birth mother to those two baby girls whom I think about every waking hour of every single day.
I am sorry it has taken me so long to get into contact with you, but I didn't think I could handle rejection back then. I'm sorry for assuming you would reject me, but I felt I had to justify my contacting you, which my first letter at that time would have been over whelming to you all 10 pages and all. So I'm going to keep this letter as short as possible, but I wanted to update you all on how my life has changed since the girls were wrongfully taken from me but due to circumstances out of my control deemed us lives apart.
Feb 2003 I met my now husband John, July of same year we were married, Nov of same year Dylan Jacob our son was born. Sept. of 2005 Jack Elliott our 2nd son was born. Sept. 2, 2008 Josephine Kay our daughter was born but sadly her diagnosis of Hypoplastic left heart syndrome took her from us 19hrs and 34mins after her birth.
My mother Sally Jo beat breast cancer back in 99 when Rowsheall was born and again in 2008 when it came back but sadly she had skin cancer and lost her battle Jan 19, 2009. She loved the girls deeply and was crushed by the ruling as crushed as I was.
March 18, 2011 River Lyric our son was born stillborn, he was 28 weeks we were due June 5, 2011.
End of Jan I had my right ovary and tube removed due to ruptured cysts and I had a cyst removed from my left tube. I am recovering from that. My husband's sister who was adopted with her sister to my in-laws passed away Jan 26, 2012. Which is my motivation to get our communication finally opened.
Again I'm sorry it has taken me so long to get things done but from what I've disclosed here you can imagine why it has taken this long.
How are the girls? What are they like? What are they into now (Bratz? Barbies? computers? etc.) Can I have pictures from when they first joined your loving family on up to current? (is that too much to ask?) I have missed them so very much, as I said before there has not been a single day that passes that I don't think about them wondering what they are like what they look like, who they have become to be and who you two are. I dream of them and I never want to wake up because I'm finally holding them again. Anyway, I'm here finally not guarded and ready to get to know you all, as you get to know me too. Thank you for your dedication to raise the girls as your own, Thank you for loving them as your own, thank you for everything you do! And Thank you for your time to let me into your lives at this time.
God Bless you all. I love you even if I never met you.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
Birth mother of the girls who light your life everyday.
p.s. I am an open book anything you want to know I am willing to tell you everything you want to know thanks. just ask.
back to posting to you girls...short and sweet? right? to the point? but it feels so cold to me...and rushed...don't it? thats why its a draft...but I have so much to tell your parents and you guys too...but its the first letter and its not supposed to be 10 pages long...so not to overwhelm them right?
Hey readers of my blog could I get some feedback here? I would really appreciate some feedback as to what to say and not to say as a letter going to adoptive parents I have never met before and know NOTHING about...thanks readers of my blog I really like getting multiple inputs on my life dilemma so I can choose what sounds like the right thing for me to do and say...so thank you for your input cause I really like ideas cause some things I haven't thought up yet...so thanks for your time...
Back to the girls...I love you girls and I hope I can get a hold of this lady in Topeka that I was told by someone at the local SRS was who I needed to contact but they said they would email her and have her email me but she never has yet...anyways I love you girls! ttyl
Sincerely,
your loving birth mommy Rabeka Jo D (F)
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Update on us
Dear Girls,
time for an update on us...We lost my husbands sister...she (Melissa) died Jan 2012 :-( she was looking forward into spoiling you two girls when you came home...she too was adopted with her big sister (Lilly)...she was very comforting when I got on my negative thinking patterns about you guys not being happy and being abused and all those negative thoughts that the devil likes to put through my mind every now and then...she would correct me...that she wasn't in a bad place...and she had a wonderful life...which kind of gives me comfort but at the same time made me feel horrible cause you couldn't be having that wonderful life with me...anyway...we been kind of struggling with that loss...
With the early spring I have been working on my garden which has char-rubs (angel figures) painted to be like you girls...well as I remember you...they don't really look too much like you but I colored their hair and painted eyes on them your eye colors and hair colors...Katelyn is blond with brown eyes (as I remember her) and Rowsheall is brown hair blue eyes (again as I remember her)...I have a girl angel reading to a boy angel sitting on a bench which represents Josie your sister and River your brother I plan to get an anchor to represent your grandmother Sally and now a butterfly to represent your aunt you won't ever meet now Melissa...I also have frogs in there to remind me to Fully Rely On God (FROG) and stepping stones with your brothers hand prints and foot prints...I have bleeding hearts flowers, I have some tulips, I have I believe are sweet Williams coming up but won't be able to be for sure until they bloom...I have some other ones I am not sure of what they are yet...and some decorative grass too...I also intend on planting a vegetable garden and try my hand at that...which I am pretty sure won't work out cause the flowers last year I killed cause I didn't water them lol...I do have brown thumbs...so if you can't grow anything...blame me I don't have any green thumbs...at least yet...anyways...
I am sorry I don't write every holiday it seems I was looking at the blog today and it seems I had missed a few holidays and for that I am sorry...I did think of you and I love you both so very much...I probably didn't get a chance to write on those holidays and then figured I already had posted to you but I obviously didn't plus you girls will probably get tired of reading the same things over and over..."this horrible thing happened to us...I love you so very much...I can't stop thinking about you" blah blah blah....ya know what I always say cause I don't know what else to say because I have nothing coming in to comment on and advise you on things you might be going through at this time or that time...anyways I really do miss you girls so very much and it hurts me so very bad and I can't stress that enough on here...not one single day goes by that I don't think of you...there is always something here to remind me of you just like that song sings always something there to remind me....I really hope you are doing well...I pray for you daily when I think of you...I will talk to you girls later though as I said to Rowsheall earlier...I need to get into bed very soon...I love you so very very very much! and I miss you so very very very much! talk to you soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D (F) (DOB 5-1980) your loving birth mother who is waiting with her arms wide open for your return home to her :-)
time for an update on us...We lost my husbands sister...she (Melissa) died Jan 2012 :-( she was looking forward into spoiling you two girls when you came home...she too was adopted with her big sister (Lilly)...she was very comforting when I got on my negative thinking patterns about you guys not being happy and being abused and all those negative thoughts that the devil likes to put through my mind every now and then...she would correct me...that she wasn't in a bad place...and she had a wonderful life...which kind of gives me comfort but at the same time made me feel horrible cause you couldn't be having that wonderful life with me...anyway...we been kind of struggling with that loss...
With the early spring I have been working on my garden which has char-rubs (angel figures) painted to be like you girls...well as I remember you...they don't really look too much like you but I colored their hair and painted eyes on them your eye colors and hair colors...Katelyn is blond with brown eyes (as I remember her) and Rowsheall is brown hair blue eyes (again as I remember her)...I have a girl angel reading to a boy angel sitting on a bench which represents Josie your sister and River your brother I plan to get an anchor to represent your grandmother Sally and now a butterfly to represent your aunt you won't ever meet now Melissa...I also have frogs in there to remind me to Fully Rely On God (FROG) and stepping stones with your brothers hand prints and foot prints...I have bleeding hearts flowers, I have some tulips, I have I believe are sweet Williams coming up but won't be able to be for sure until they bloom...I have some other ones I am not sure of what they are yet...and some decorative grass too...I also intend on planting a vegetable garden and try my hand at that...which I am pretty sure won't work out cause the flowers last year I killed cause I didn't water them lol...I do have brown thumbs...so if you can't grow anything...blame me I don't have any green thumbs...at least yet...anyways...
I am sorry I don't write every holiday it seems I was looking at the blog today and it seems I had missed a few holidays and for that I am sorry...I did think of you and I love you both so very much...I probably didn't get a chance to write on those holidays and then figured I already had posted to you but I obviously didn't plus you girls will probably get tired of reading the same things over and over..."this horrible thing happened to us...I love you so very much...I can't stop thinking about you" blah blah blah....ya know what I always say cause I don't know what else to say because I have nothing coming in to comment on and advise you on things you might be going through at this time or that time...anyways I really do miss you girls so very much and it hurts me so very bad and I can't stress that enough on here...not one single day goes by that I don't think of you...there is always something here to remind me of you just like that song sings always something there to remind me....I really hope you are doing well...I pray for you daily when I think of you...I will talk to you girls later though as I said to Rowsheall earlier...I need to get into bed very soon...I love you so very very very much! and I miss you so very very very much! talk to you soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D (F) (DOB 5-1980) your loving birth mother who is waiting with her arms wide open for your return home to her :-)
Dear Rowsheall,
Happy 13th Birthday, you must be getting so big by now...its amazing that it will have been 10 years since the last time I seen you on Aug 29th this year...wow how time has flown by...only 5 more years before your 18! I wouldn't mind getting in touch with you before then but I do know for sure you will be getting in touch with me for sure then...at least I hope you will...I hope you had a very blessed birthday with your friends at school and family later that evening :-) I have been thinking about you girls a whole whole lot as always...I don't want to overwhelm you too much with blog posts through out my day when I think of you because I wouldn't want to be hounded in reading all this as it sits with just the holidays, birthdays, and eventful moments that I feel I need to share with you girls...I hope you understand this and don't resent me for not posting everyday...as I had originally intended...which would have walked you through my 15 yrs for you to read about so you knew exactly what I been up to while we were apart...I spare you just know this lol...I love you girls so very much and I can't hardly contain myself with how close we are to seeing each other again! I am so excited!
I love you so much I hope you had a great birthday even best by far this year...I think your in 6th grade by now am I right? wow I remember that year like it was yesterday for me...I didn't really fit in with the kids and struggled to fit in...but I hope you are not having the same issues as I had and I hope you have had a wonderful life so far...the part I hate about us being apart and me writing this to you without knowing the history of what you been through up till now when you are reading this...is hard cause things could be bad there but I gotta trust God in taking care of you both until we can be reunited again...I do tend to wonder my thoughts to the bad ones and worry about your safety and your self esteem...etc...but I can't stay there too long cause it will drive me crazy...I no doubt wish you were here with me as so does your brother Dylan who is 8 now and keeps asking about you girls and when you will be coming home to meet them...and keeps asking why its taking so long...breaks my heart that I screwed this up to where you all couldn't be together...I did do my best though...and as usual it wasn't good enough...anyway I wanted to blog to you since today is your birthday...I hadn't had a chance all day to write to you as I had intended even thought about doing it last night so I was sure it was here today in case you were out there reading this blog secretly...as I kind of hope you are...I also fantasize about you writing me like I am to you so I can catch up on you through your life and your struggles as you have already read through some of mine...I been fighting back tears all day...but tried very hard to keep busy to keep my mind from letting me cave in to the tears...I hate having to explain why I am sad and crying...its definitely easier to just pretend to be happy so no one is concerned just as a post I seen on my facebook had stated...anyway...I love you so much and I don't want to end this but I am afraid I need to...because I need to go to bed so I can get up in the morning to see what damage was done to our property due to a hail storm that just passed through tonight...I hope you weren't anywhere near this storm and had a delightful time on your special day.
I love you I just can't say it enough! my heart aches for you and your sister Katelyn!
I just can't hardly wait!
Talk to you soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D (F) (DOB 5-1980) your loving birth mother who is waiting with her arms wide open
Happy 13th Birthday, you must be getting so big by now...its amazing that it will have been 10 years since the last time I seen you on Aug 29th this year...wow how time has flown by...only 5 more years before your 18! I wouldn't mind getting in touch with you before then but I do know for sure you will be getting in touch with me for sure then...at least I hope you will...I hope you had a very blessed birthday with your friends at school and family later that evening :-) I have been thinking about you girls a whole whole lot as always...I don't want to overwhelm you too much with blog posts through out my day when I think of you because I wouldn't want to be hounded in reading all this as it sits with just the holidays, birthdays, and eventful moments that I feel I need to share with you girls...I hope you understand this and don't resent me for not posting everyday...as I had originally intended...which would have walked you through my 15 yrs for you to read about so you knew exactly what I been up to while we were apart...I spare you just know this lol...I love you girls so very much and I can't hardly contain myself with how close we are to seeing each other again! I am so excited!
I love you so much I hope you had a great birthday even best by far this year...I think your in 6th grade by now am I right? wow I remember that year like it was yesterday for me...I didn't really fit in with the kids and struggled to fit in...but I hope you are not having the same issues as I had and I hope you have had a wonderful life so far...the part I hate about us being apart and me writing this to you without knowing the history of what you been through up till now when you are reading this...is hard cause things could be bad there but I gotta trust God in taking care of you both until we can be reunited again...I do tend to wonder my thoughts to the bad ones and worry about your safety and your self esteem...etc...but I can't stay there too long cause it will drive me crazy...I no doubt wish you were here with me as so does your brother Dylan who is 8 now and keeps asking about you girls and when you will be coming home to meet them...and keeps asking why its taking so long...breaks my heart that I screwed this up to where you all couldn't be together...I did do my best though...and as usual it wasn't good enough...anyway I wanted to blog to you since today is your birthday...I hadn't had a chance all day to write to you as I had intended even thought about doing it last night so I was sure it was here today in case you were out there reading this blog secretly...as I kind of hope you are...I also fantasize about you writing me like I am to you so I can catch up on you through your life and your struggles as you have already read through some of mine...I been fighting back tears all day...but tried very hard to keep busy to keep my mind from letting me cave in to the tears...I hate having to explain why I am sad and crying...its definitely easier to just pretend to be happy so no one is concerned just as a post I seen on my facebook had stated...anyway...I love you so much and I don't want to end this but I am afraid I need to...because I need to go to bed so I can get up in the morning to see what damage was done to our property due to a hail storm that just passed through tonight...I hope you weren't anywhere near this storm and had a delightful time on your special day.
I love you I just can't say it enough! my heart aches for you and your sister Katelyn!
I just can't hardly wait!
Talk to you soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D (F) (DOB 5-1980) your loving birth mother who is waiting with her arms wide open
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Happy thanksgiving
Hey baby girls. I'm thankful for giving birth to you two and your two brothers as well as thankful for your sister and brother who died. I'm thankful I have your new dad Johnny, and all he does for us.
I hope you had a wonderful thanksgivings day with your new family. We had a pretty good one here. I miss you girls so much it hurts but I know we are getting closer to time to be together again. My therapist is going to help me get things going with the communication between your parents and I hopefully soon. I hope to be able to at least see you girls grow up through pictures at least if not have communication with you two. I wonder if you girls have facebooks and what your doing at your ages. I hope your doing better emotionally than I have been.
Life hasn't exactly been easy for me but I'm learning to handle things differently it's just hard sometimes than others. I know God has led you girls where your supposed to be right now as well as where I am to be right now and for that I'm thankful too.
Anyways babies I love you and miss you every waking moment. Not one day goes by that I don't think about you two and wonder what you look like and who you have became.
If I had thought this is what my future held for me I really would wonder why I was to be dealt such fate. But since it just happened the way it did. I can learn from everything and be a better person that I was intended to be.
I miss you girls so much and look forward to the day we get to be together again.
Talk to you soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Your loving birth mother
I hope you had a wonderful thanksgivings day with your new family. We had a pretty good one here. I miss you girls so much it hurts but I know we are getting closer to time to be together again. My therapist is going to help me get things going with the communication between your parents and I hopefully soon. I hope to be able to at least see you girls grow up through pictures at least if not have communication with you two. I wonder if you girls have facebooks and what your doing at your ages. I hope your doing better emotionally than I have been.
Life hasn't exactly been easy for me but I'm learning to handle things differently it's just hard sometimes than others. I know God has led you girls where your supposed to be right now as well as where I am to be right now and for that I'm thankful too.
Anyways babies I love you and miss you every waking moment. Not one day goes by that I don't think about you two and wonder what you look like and who you have became.
If I had thought this is what my future held for me I really would wonder why I was to be dealt such fate. But since it just happened the way it did. I can learn from everything and be a better person that I was intended to be.
I miss you girls so much and look forward to the day we get to be together again.
Talk to you soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Your loving birth mother
Monday, August 29, 2011
I drew this for you girls, I hope to have it in 6-7 years to give to you, its not very good but its hard drawing people especially those you love, cause its never good enough...but I had to just accept it and yep I am working past my perfection :-) I love you girls and I miss you so much :-) I look forward to seeing you in 6-7 years if not sooner I am ready when you and your parents are.
I love you very much I just thought I would share my picture I drew of you girls.
Sincerely, your loving birth mother
Rabeka Jo D (F DOB 5-1980)
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn,
Today back in 2002 was the last day I seen you two :-( and I feel the same as I did that day...absolutely devastated. After I left that day I left all will to live, you were my reason for living and they took that from me. But I regained it when I realized you may want to come find me later in your lives, which I am waiting opened armed for that day to come, I am counting down nearly the days till you become of age to come be with me again. I know you will be grown and will be on your own and possibly headed off to college by then, but I can hope we start a great mother daughter relationship then...I love you two so very much and miss you tremendously, I cannot say it enough. I really do, and that last visitation we thought we were recording the whole time but we weren't so all we had was the pictures the idiot counselor took who forced us to hold back tears and not show emotion that was term-oiling inside us the whole time we were with you for our last visit...and when you Rowsheall turned around to me and said "see you next week" as you always do and looked puzzled when I said no baby I won't see you next week I will see you when you turn 18 that really broke my heart completely. That look you gave me, you really wanted to come home with me, and I really wanted to bring you home with me too but the Judge just didn't see that my grass in my yard was green enough for you two girls to grow up the way they thought was best for you...which I am constantly questioning my abilities with your two brothers that are living with me now...but I know I deserve them, I know I am doing best I can...and thats good enough.
Anyways girls I just wanted you to know I will be thinking about you all day today missing you every moment throughout it just as I do everyday.
I love you two so very much and I can't wait to hold you again in my loving arms. What a Glorious day that will be! And I will be redeemed!
Sincerely,
your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F DOB 5 1980)
Today back in 2002 was the last day I seen you two :-( and I feel the same as I did that day...absolutely devastated. After I left that day I left all will to live, you were my reason for living and they took that from me. But I regained it when I realized you may want to come find me later in your lives, which I am waiting opened armed for that day to come, I am counting down nearly the days till you become of age to come be with me again. I know you will be grown and will be on your own and possibly headed off to college by then, but I can hope we start a great mother daughter relationship then...I love you two so very much and miss you tremendously, I cannot say it enough. I really do, and that last visitation we thought we were recording the whole time but we weren't so all we had was the pictures the idiot counselor took who forced us to hold back tears and not show emotion that was term-oiling inside us the whole time we were with you for our last visit...and when you Rowsheall turned around to me and said "see you next week" as you always do and looked puzzled when I said no baby I won't see you next week I will see you when you turn 18 that really broke my heart completely. That look you gave me, you really wanted to come home with me, and I really wanted to bring you home with me too but the Judge just didn't see that my grass in my yard was green enough for you two girls to grow up the way they thought was best for you...which I am constantly questioning my abilities with your two brothers that are living with me now...but I know I deserve them, I know I am doing best I can...and thats good enough.
Anyways girls I just wanted you to know I will be thinking about you all day today missing you every moment throughout it just as I do everyday.
I love you two so very much and I can't wait to hold you again in my loving arms. What a Glorious day that will be! And I will be redeemed!
Sincerely,
your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F DOB 5 1980)
Monday, August 15, 2011
Dear Katelyn,
Seriously 7 more years before you can come and see me again? and I see you? wow your 11 years old! thats unbelievable how time has flown by...I can't wait to see you and your sister! I love you so very much and even thought the 12th was your birthday by mistake and told your brothers they were excited that we are so close to you coming home to see us...We really can't wait to see you again!
I remember when you were born I had stated that Bruce (who at the time I believed was your father) didn't mean to hit me...but he did...that was the one shot wonder drug that they gave me talking...I looked at you and was so amazed by how perfect you were just as with all my children...how perfect you all were...I loved you so very much...and still do...and its been hard these last 9 years...I still cry when I talk about our case and what the state did to our family...but there is nothing I could do now to change it...and if I could I would let you decide what you wanted to do...I know you have grown to love your forever family...you might go through a bout of hate and rebellion towards them as some teens do but not all teens...your Aunt Jami didn't :-) and you might think living with me would be so much better than living with them because they are so unfair or whatever just cause they have your best interest at heart...I assure you living with me wouldn't be much different accept that not both parents work in this home...just the daddy...and mommy isn't all fun and games...though if I had you guys at home I really don't know what I would be...I wouldn't be depressed I am sure of that...cause I would be complete I know that...but I really don't know what that looks like any more...
I love you so very much I hope you got everything you hoped you would get today...and more...I remember how excited you would get when I entered the room to pick you up...you did a full body quiver and straighten your arms and legs and open your eyes wide and blow out flat tight lips out of excitement...mainly I remember you doing this in your peter rabbit snow coat on...I love you so very much Katelyn I am so sorry I failed you and your sister I really truly am...but I assure you I didn't do what was accused of being done...no matter what anyone tells you know this is the truth...I really didn't do the things they thought I was doing and half way proved I was doing which was Meth...they told me day before they took a home drug screen that I needed to get off the flexeril asap cause it comes up positive on their home drug screens as meth...so they got that positive UA and won you guys cause I couldn't fight it...and for that I am so sorry I really wish I hadn't taken any medications over the counter or prescribed...EVER in my life...cause then all this mess wouldn't have happened...and we would still be together...
Anyway I love you so very much :-) I really do miss you so very much and can't wait to see you again!...I can't say it enough!
Talk to you later.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D (F) (D.O.B. 05-1980)
your loving birth mother who won't EVER forget
Seriously 7 more years before you can come and see me again? and I see you? wow your 11 years old! thats unbelievable how time has flown by...I can't wait to see you and your sister! I love you so very much and even thought the 12th was your birthday by mistake and told your brothers they were excited that we are so close to you coming home to see us...We really can't wait to see you again!
I remember when you were born I had stated that Bruce (who at the time I believed was your father) didn't mean to hit me...but he did...that was the one shot wonder drug that they gave me talking...I looked at you and was so amazed by how perfect you were just as with all my children...how perfect you all were...I loved you so very much...and still do...and its been hard these last 9 years...I still cry when I talk about our case and what the state did to our family...but there is nothing I could do now to change it...and if I could I would let you decide what you wanted to do...I know you have grown to love your forever family...you might go through a bout of hate and rebellion towards them as some teens do but not all teens...your Aunt Jami didn't :-) and you might think living with me would be so much better than living with them because they are so unfair or whatever just cause they have your best interest at heart...I assure you living with me wouldn't be much different accept that not both parents work in this home...just the daddy...and mommy isn't all fun and games...though if I had you guys at home I really don't know what I would be...I wouldn't be depressed I am sure of that...cause I would be complete I know that...but I really don't know what that looks like any more...
I love you so very much I hope you got everything you hoped you would get today...and more...I remember how excited you would get when I entered the room to pick you up...you did a full body quiver and straighten your arms and legs and open your eyes wide and blow out flat tight lips out of excitement...mainly I remember you doing this in your peter rabbit snow coat on...I love you so very much Katelyn I am so sorry I failed you and your sister I really truly am...but I assure you I didn't do what was accused of being done...no matter what anyone tells you know this is the truth...I really didn't do the things they thought I was doing and half way proved I was doing which was Meth...they told me day before they took a home drug screen that I needed to get off the flexeril asap cause it comes up positive on their home drug screens as meth...so they got that positive UA and won you guys cause I couldn't fight it...and for that I am so sorry I really wish I hadn't taken any medications over the counter or prescribed...EVER in my life...cause then all this mess wouldn't have happened...and we would still be together...
Anyway I love you so very much :-) I really do miss you so very much and can't wait to see you again!...I can't say it enough!
Talk to you later.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D (F) (D.O.B. 05-1980)
your loving birth mother who won't EVER forget
Monday, July 11, 2011
Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn,
Rochelle and Katie I guess is how your names are spelt by your adoptive parents...which irritates me but the only reason is because a lot of thought went into your names...I wanted you Rowsheall to be unique like your mom...but am realizing everyone is unique without having to have their name spelt certain ways...now your middle name Kailyn was after your aunt Jami Lyn and my uncle Gregory Lyn :-) which also is why Katelyn was named Katelyn...Marie comes from my childhood best friend Lisa Marie and no she isn't a Presley :-) but she means the world to me...we went through a falling out for over a year but we are talking again trying to start over. Anyway, I keep thinking about you girls a lot...not that I ever get you girls off my mind...I wouldn't want to stop thinking about you because I love you so much and you are apart of me and will always be in my heart...as your adoptive parents had conceived you both in their hearts before they finally got to add you to their loving family.
All I can do is think positive about where you are...my horror stories in my mind I have learned to let go because it drives me crazy to think of the possible bad things you might be facing and it's not fair for me to torture myself...
Anyway I love you so very much and I really cannot say that enough...nor do I know how else to express it to you...I really am struggling to live without you both...but I have to keep living without you and it's so unfair for it being this way...I really don't see where I was wrong because no one told me it was wrong nor did they allow me to correct the problem...they didn't guide me as I needed them to...if they had...I would still have you home with me...but that didn't happen...did it? No, a system built to protect children not preserve families...at what cost did they protect you? There are no digets that could express damages done to me and my family...I will be justified someday...may not be till I reach my next life...but I'm hoping when you two come home to me finally I will feel like I finally have my family completed...
Your brother Dylan is 7 almost 8 and is very smart...and he keeps asking about you girls which is pushing me harder to request pictures to show him you are bigger than him now...that you are not still ages three and two...it's just hard...I'm So scared of being rejected...so...maybe when we can afford my counselor I will work on that with them even if I've been doing good helping myself with my hoarding tendencies that aren't as bad as on tv...it could have easily gotten that bad had I let it keep going...anyways I'm good at certain things...other things I struggle with and need professional input anyways...
I plan to get things taken care of soon so we can see you both or all depending on if your family you have now wants to share themselves with us or not...anyway...I'm serious this time...even if it makes me so sick to my stomach just thinking about it...anyway
I love you both equally and cannot wait to see your smiling faces again.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Your biological mother who will never forget...who carried you in my loving womb for 9 months and in 15 months time was torn from my loving arms that were young, dumb, and in need of guidance...but got set up and robbed instead...Robbed of witnessing your childhood, robbed of Katelyns first steps, robbed of many firsts to follow, and robbed of knowing and shaping you into being who you will be someday...I'm not apart of that and that's what hurts the most...love you ttyl
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Dear Rowsheall Kailyn,
I still have difficulties picturing you older than 3 but today you turn 12...and that in so hard to believe but in 6 more years you will be able to come and find me but its OK if you wait till your sister is 18 too so you both can find me...I am waiting with my arms wide open ready to hold you and kiss you and never let you go again....Celine Dion wrote a song Called Miracle http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGNQ9bu1mDk not sure if the link will work when you find this or when I show you this blog but this is how I feel about you, and Katelyn, and Dylan, and Jack, and Josephine, and now River....I just want to hold you now but I can't....and that hurts more than anything I have experienced I know where Josephine and River are...they are with our Father and with Jesus our Savior....you and Katelyn I don't know where you are...I just have to trust that God is watching over you and keeping you and your sister safe until you can come home to me....another song that hits home is Precious Child by Karen Tyler-Good even if its for a child who passed away...you are living in my heart for now...and I will be able to see you and hold you here on earth and your sister Katelyn too....I am so lost without you girls...I am trying to be a good mom to your two brothers I have been blessed with...its just so hard to keep going when the world around me keeps crumbling around me...but I have to keep going because someday you will come find me and I want to be here to see you and hold you once again....that day will be the day my life will be justified as being worth living....and everything will just fall back into place...I know your parents will still be in your life as they raised you since the state didn't see me able to raise you but I am able to raise your brothers...though sometimes I doubt myself and my abilities at times but I know God will help me get through the hard times and I rest in the promises that God has gave us...
I really pray God helps you in any resentment you may feel towards me as I did everything I could and it wasn't good enough for the state to put us back together forever but rather put us apart for a short while...I love you so very much and I can't say that enough....I am struggling without you both but I will survive....I have to....so I can see you again....I miss you so very much! I can't say that enough either...I really want to write your parents requesting pictures but I am so scared they will reject me....that would just break me if they did...I can't take anymore heartache I hope I can get the guts to ask for permission to contact your parents and then write that letter opening our door of communication....I just am so scared to be rejected....I hope to be able to do that soon though....I will keep praying about it and praying for you all (mom, dad, you and your sister and your family)....I will talk to you later though.
I hope you had a wonderful Happy 12th Birthday Rowsheall and all your dreams came true today...you got everything you wanted....I love you and will talk to you again soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
your birth mother who won't ever forget you and your sister
I still have difficulties picturing you older than 3 but today you turn 12...and that in so hard to believe but in 6 more years you will be able to come and find me but its OK if you wait till your sister is 18 too so you both can find me...I am waiting with my arms wide open ready to hold you and kiss you and never let you go again....Celine Dion wrote a song Called Miracle http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGNQ9bu1mDk not sure if the link will work when you find this or when I show you this blog but this is how I feel about you, and Katelyn, and Dylan, and Jack, and Josephine, and now River....I just want to hold you now but I can't....and that hurts more than anything I have experienced I know where Josephine and River are...they are with our Father and with Jesus our Savior....you and Katelyn I don't know where you are...I just have to trust that God is watching over you and keeping you and your sister safe until you can come home to me....another song that hits home is Precious Child by Karen Tyler-Good even if its for a child who passed away...you are living in my heart for now...and I will be able to see you and hold you here on earth and your sister Katelyn too....I am so lost without you girls...I am trying to be a good mom to your two brothers I have been blessed with...its just so hard to keep going when the world around me keeps crumbling around me...but I have to keep going because someday you will come find me and I want to be here to see you and hold you once again....that day will be the day my life will be justified as being worth living....and everything will just fall back into place...I know your parents will still be in your life as they raised you since the state didn't see me able to raise you but I am able to raise your brothers...though sometimes I doubt myself and my abilities at times but I know God will help me get through the hard times and I rest in the promises that God has gave us...
I really pray God helps you in any resentment you may feel towards me as I did everything I could and it wasn't good enough for the state to put us back together forever but rather put us apart for a short while...I love you so very much and I can't say that enough....I am struggling without you both but I will survive....I have to....so I can see you again....I miss you so very much! I can't say that enough either...I really want to write your parents requesting pictures but I am so scared they will reject me....that would just break me if they did...I can't take anymore heartache I hope I can get the guts to ask for permission to contact your parents and then write that letter opening our door of communication....I just am so scared to be rejected....I hope to be able to do that soon though....I will keep praying about it and praying for you all (mom, dad, you and your sister and your family)....I will talk to you later though.
I hope you had a wonderful Happy 12th Birthday Rowsheall and all your dreams came true today...you got everything you wanted....I love you and will talk to you again soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
your birth mother who won't ever forget you and your sister
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Well girls, My life is just full of crisis and I am thankful you girls are not here to witness all that has gone on it will hurt you when you come find me or when you stumble on this blog but I really don't think you girls could have handled being here during my many losses as I am beside myself with this one...We had sonograms and echocardiograms done for this baby we were expecting and everything was so normal and so healthy there was nothing wrong at all with this baby...but they stopped moving and I went into the hospital and they couldn't find the heart beat and had to induce him still born...it was a surprise we didn't know what he was until he came out...he was beautiful...his name was River Lyric and he weighed 2lbs 9.7oz and was 15.5 inches long little bitty baby and so peaceful...we got lots of pictures to share with you when you come home to see us...
I love you girls so very much and I am so sorry that I couldn't fight harder and gotten you girls back....
In other news...I have been attacked by someone on yahoo messenger through this blog which I put on here so you girls could contact me if you wanted to or your parents could contact me even...and someone contacted me acting like they knew me back when I lost you girls and knew what was really going on...it was stupid what they had said to me because they are idiots if they think for a second I was lying on my blog....I am sharing my side of the story....if they don't like it or believe me thats on them...not me...I know what happened I was there experiencing it first hand...if they were with me 24/7 which that would of been my mother...then ya they can talk but since they only know obviously hearsay which is what others say about me and what was going on at the time etc...anyways I cannot believe that they would attack me like they did but knowing someone out there thinks I am lying to you girls in my blog kind of irritates me...just because they were anonymous tells me they really dont know me and if they did they would let their identity be known so we can have it out like adults and get on the same page as each other...I have not lied to you once on this blog and I hope that you do find me first before you find whoever is a liar out there grows up and stops the rumors and stops attacking me anonymously cause thats just childish and immature...
So that note is kind of for the attacker not you girls but I just had to make it known that there are some people out there who have it in their minds that I got what I deserved just so that way they feel better about themselves and justified that they have their kids...not me having you girls...etc...kind of a comfort thing really for them because if they believe my story in the way things went down...then that puts their family in jeopardy of being torn apart like ours and thats just not something people are willing to accept and I don't blame them its scary that they could take two children from a loving home based on lies...but they did...and it hurt...and I am surviving but missing you girls every waking hour of my life...and I won't ever stop thinking about you nor will I stop praying for your return home to me...and I look forward to your return and I hope and pray for strength to risk rejection by requesting pictures of you girls but its so hard to not think maybe the parents won't think I deserve pictures or anything...that I am this horrible drug addict the courts made me to look like...which was far from the truth....anyways I am sorry to break that news to you too...but now you have a little girl sister angel and a little boy brother angel up in heaven watching over you with Grandma Sally...
I am going to Mental Health Association for counseling now and they have many programs that I am planning on getting involved in so I can maybe hopefully get back into enjoying life maybe? I don't even know if I can without you girls and without your brother and sister now who are in Heaven....but I really want to so I can maybe be a wonderful mother when you finally do come home...I am maturing I think in my mental emotional side...or I am just numb at the moment I am not sure which...since it just happened this weekend...
Anyway I love you girls so very much and miss you very much...I will be writing in on Rowsheall's Birthday as usual here in a few days...I will talk to you Rowsheall later I love you sweetheart...Katelyn I love you sweetheart too....I wonder what you girls look like being 10 and nearly 12 you must be so big! and smart!
Talk to you later sweeties...
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo
I love you girls so very much and I am so sorry that I couldn't fight harder and gotten you girls back....
In other news...I have been attacked by someone on yahoo messenger through this blog which I put on here so you girls could contact me if you wanted to or your parents could contact me even...and someone contacted me acting like they knew me back when I lost you girls and knew what was really going on...it was stupid what they had said to me because they are idiots if they think for a second I was lying on my blog....I am sharing my side of the story....if they don't like it or believe me thats on them...not me...I know what happened I was there experiencing it first hand...if they were with me 24/7 which that would of been my mother...then ya they can talk but since they only know obviously hearsay which is what others say about me and what was going on at the time etc...anyways I cannot believe that they would attack me like they did but knowing someone out there thinks I am lying to you girls in my blog kind of irritates me...just because they were anonymous tells me they really dont know me and if they did they would let their identity be known so we can have it out like adults and get on the same page as each other...I have not lied to you once on this blog and I hope that you do find me first before you find whoever is a liar out there grows up and stops the rumors and stops attacking me anonymously cause thats just childish and immature...
So that note is kind of for the attacker not you girls but I just had to make it known that there are some people out there who have it in their minds that I got what I deserved just so that way they feel better about themselves and justified that they have their kids...not me having you girls...etc...kind of a comfort thing really for them because if they believe my story in the way things went down...then that puts their family in jeopardy of being torn apart like ours and thats just not something people are willing to accept and I don't blame them its scary that they could take two children from a loving home based on lies...but they did...and it hurt...and I am surviving but missing you girls every waking hour of my life...and I won't ever stop thinking about you nor will I stop praying for your return home to me...and I look forward to your return and I hope and pray for strength to risk rejection by requesting pictures of you girls but its so hard to not think maybe the parents won't think I deserve pictures or anything...that I am this horrible drug addict the courts made me to look like...which was far from the truth....anyways I am sorry to break that news to you too...but now you have a little girl sister angel and a little boy brother angel up in heaven watching over you with Grandma Sally...
I am going to Mental Health Association for counseling now and they have many programs that I am planning on getting involved in so I can maybe hopefully get back into enjoying life maybe? I don't even know if I can without you girls and without your brother and sister now who are in Heaven....but I really want to so I can maybe be a wonderful mother when you finally do come home...I am maturing I think in my mental emotional side...or I am just numb at the moment I am not sure which...since it just happened this weekend...
Anyway I love you girls so very much and miss you very much...I will be writing in on Rowsheall's Birthday as usual here in a few days...I will talk to you Rowsheall later I love you sweetheart...Katelyn I love you sweetheart too....I wonder what you girls look like being 10 and nearly 12 you must be so big! and smart!
Talk to you later sweeties...
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo
Sunday, August 29, 2010
It took the state 507 days to destroy our family I had with you both Rowsheall and Katelyn.
Thats One year 4 months and 20 days
Thats 43,804,800 seconds
Thats 730,080 Minutes
Thats 12,168 hours
thats 72 weeks (rounded down)
It seems only yesterday was the last time I seen you both but it has been 2923 days
thats 8 yrs and ago to the date
thats 252,547,200 seconds
thats 4,209,120 minutes
thats 70,152 hours
thats 413 weeks (rounded down)
I can't believe my babies are growing up without me...and they are no longer 3 and 2 as they were today 8 yrs ago...its unbelieveable how long it has been...I miss you every waking hour of my life and ache to hear your laughs, feel you hugging me, hearing you both say you love me...I watch the DVD home videos of you both and want to just reach into the tv and hold you one last time...but I can't...and that is something I have to come to terms with every waking hour of my life...
I am surviving, I am not sure how I am but I am...and I am trying my best to keep myself together but its an every moment battle...losing you two were worst than losing my latest daughter who died...losing you two absolutely destroyed me...and for a short while I let it....I hope you understand when you come home to meet me that I did everything in my ability (cause this was a very debilitating experience I had ever experienced in my life) but I am so thankful that I got to spend the time I did with them or partly be apart of their lives.
I got to see and be apart of Rowshealls life 1250 days (March 29th 1999-Aug 29th 2002)
Thats 3 years 5 months, to the date
thats 108,000,000 seconds
thats 1,800,000 minutes
thats 30,000 hours
or 178 weeks (rounded down)
I got to see and be apart of Katelyn's life for 744 days (Aug 15th 2000-Aug 29th 2002)
thats 2 yrs, 14 days
thats 64,281,600 seconds
thats 1,071,360 minutes
thats 106 weeks (rounded down
I had custody of the girls and doing what I had to and made sure my kids needs were met which they were well taken care of....for
Rowsheall 743 days
thats 2 yrs 12 days
thats 64,195,200 seconds
thats 1,069,920 minutes
thats 17,832 hours
thats 106 weeks (Rounded down)
Katelyne 238 days
thats 7 months 26 days
thats 20,563,200 seconds
thats 342,720 minutes
thats 34 weeks
and by the time I got to visit with the girls Katelyn didn't even recognize me and cried for her mom the full hour visitation who was right in front of her...which really deeply broke my heart into a million billion zillion infinity pieces...
Well baby's I miss you terribly bad...and I love you so very much and I can't wait to see you again someday hopefully sooner than later...I really am doing good...just miss you alot and try not to let it get to me too bad cause I hold the thought that you will someday come and find me and if its till your 18th birthdays
Rowsheall will come home in 2405 days, thats 6 yrs, 7 months, and 1 day
Thats 207,792,000 seconds
thats 3,463, 200 minutes
thats 57,720 hours
343 weeks (rounded down)
Katelyn will come home in 2909 days
thats 7 yrs, 11 months, and 18 days
thats 251,337,600 seconds
thats 4,188,960 minutes
thats 69,816 hours
thats 415 weeks (rounded down)
thats not as long as I have been without you two...so I can do this...I don't want to but I have to...it kills me...but I do what I have to....
How fun to know all the calculations of our lives and how soon we will see each other again...I am so excited! I can't wait but have to ya know what I mean!
I love you so very much and miss you two so very much...
Sincerely,
your loving birth mother
Rabeka Jo (F) D (DOB 5/1980)
Sunday, August 15, 2010
Katelyn Marie,
I can't believe you are turning 10 today, its amazing how time is just flying by. 8 more years before you can come and find me, I am so excited about meeting you someday...I know it could be sooner than that depending on your adoptive parent's desires but I count on that 18th birthday for sure...
You must be getting so big by now...Your dad Kenneth Raymond Fairchild just texted me saying he was just thinking about our baby girl on her birthday...he just found out sometime this last year as I did too that he was the father of you...big surprise to us both...but a good surprise...anyway...I just wanted you to know I and your daddy are thinking about you on your birthday.
I miss you and your sister so very much, and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you two. I just bought me some thinking of you cards, and note book and envelopes, I hope to write a few letters throughout the year and hopefully find out where to send them so they get stored into a file for when you and your sister come of age...though I hate to send them and then find out you never got them cause they got lost...or something...so I guess I should make copies for my own box to give to you girls when you come home...I have a few things I have from when you were with me as well as what I bought you throughout the years too...its not much of a collection of things...but it sure is better than nothing...I really can't believe you are actually going to be 10 this year...you are still 2 in my mind...Aug 29th, 2002 was the last day I seen you and your sister...and its so hard to think you are no longer that cute little baby girl anymore....but I am thankful each day that you are well taken care of and I pray that you are happy and healthy and thriving and having the best life God has to offer you. I wish it was with me but know it was best that you and your sister were to be else where...even if right now or back then I couldn't see the point I was a loving mother without a clue and I really wish I could undo a lot of things I said and did (those not being what I was accused of) but things I felt I had to do so I could get you girls back home with me...anyway...
I hope you have a happy birthday and get everything you want for your birthday. I also hope you still think of me as I do you, but I hope these thoughts are happy ones as they are for me happy thoughts of you coming home to me when the time is right. I really do love you and your sister so very much. I really hope you are doing very well where you are and are truly happy and settled. I would pursue custody but know that it would be more traumatic for you to be taken from where you are now to be placed with me and thats why I haven't pursued it farther...but it was unjust that you both were taken from me permanently like you were...but the damage is already done and there is no turning back now...
Anyway I love you so very much Katelyn and so does your daddy Ray and Daddy Johnny (my husband ur step dad) I will talk to you later Katelyn Marie, see you someday soon :-)
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
your Birth mother
(D.O.B. 5-1980)
Sunday, May 09, 2010
Well that house mentioned in the last post fell through it had too many problems the seller wasn't willing to fix...so we found a 3 bedroom 1 bath house thats half the size of this one...but I think I can manage to keep ontop of the house work with it...I am excited to finally be out of this house I been in since I was 6 yrs old...we will still have it and plan to rent it out as soon as we fix it up a bit...
Anyway I miss you girls so very much...today being mothers day was tough...2nd mothers day without my mom...I don't know how you girls go through this holiday without me...its hard...so hard.
I just hope you treat your new mom as you would of treated me and enjoy her as she is a blessing to all three of us...and I look forward in meeting her and your new dad as well...it takes a big heart to take in two girls as their own and raise them up as if they are their own...
I have been looking into the whole adopt a little girl idea and I have to expunge you girls from my record before I can do that...and I am not sure what that will do to my ability to find you and you find me...but I don't like the sounds of it...so come July, or August your dad Johnny and I will be trying to have another baby and we won't be finding out if its a girl or a boy and will be surprised when they arrive.
I am excited to finally be moving...and I hope the bank stuff irons out and closing date can remain May 19th, 3 days after my birthday...anyway I miss you both so very much and I love you so very much...
I am starting to write my book of my life again...and I pray I continue to write it and get it published so the miscarriage of Justice we went through can at least be known by society for all that it was and is today...and I hope it opens up doors to where we can at least be in contact with one another soon afterwards...if not bring you home to me IF you want to do so...but if you are happy I would much rather leave you where you are...don't get me wrong it will hurt to lose you again...but I don't want to stir up emotions that are hopefully settled down by now cause I don't want you girls to be more screwed up than the state already has made you screwed up...to hold you girls again would be a dream come true and I would be here open armed if you were to come home...and I would be truly blessed to have you back...to harm you and your sister though...I mean to up and move you again...I don't think that would be in the best interest of you girls...unless circumstances allowed you to be moved back home with me that left you girls happy and transitioned correctly....I love you and miss you...I want you back...but know the damage was done and that you hopefully are healed from these wounds...and things are normal as they can be....I hope you understand what I mean...its not that I don't want you...I do more than anything in the world....I just know I don't want to force you girls into something you don't want.
I love you and miss you so very much and I will write again on my birthday as I know will be a hard one to get through again...Love you miss you talk to you soon.
Sincerely,
your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Monday, March 29, 2010
Hey baby girls I miss you so much and think of you often. Your dad Johnny and I have found a house that is 6 bedroom 2 bath and are hopefully moving in May 5th...I am so excited! We will have three extra bedrooms one for a daughter we plan to adopt in the future...and then two extra rooms for my craft room and Johnny's man stuff...but easily we can convert our extra rooms into your bed rooms when and if you do come home...I am so ready for that...and I hope you do want to come stay with us if not only for the weekends or vacation leaves from school like summer break or spring break or winter break or whatever....I would love to have my baby girls home with me finally!
I am so excited I am packing my things and making sure I pack all the things I am keeping to show you girls from when you girls were with me...they arn't much but I have fond memories with them...anyway, I love you I need to get some rest as your youngest brother Jack needs to go to a dentist to have a consult about getting his cavities filled...then off to pack some more :-) I haven't moved since I was 6 years old accept the temporary moves between my moms house and your dad's house Rowsheall...I never really lived lived with Katelyn's dad Raymond, he really didn't have the room for me and you Rowsheall...and then after I had Katelyn I had no clue that she was his...but others thought so...I argued...but now I know the truth...Anyway, I hope I didn't disappoint you girls too much with the choice of fathers I ended up with...I just know I never regretted having either one of you...I sometimes wish you hadn't been so close in age at times 17 months apart is awful close but I found even with 21 months between your brothers its just as hard if not harder...so there really isn't a right or wrong spacing between kids...I just hope that what I thought would happen with you girls is that when you get older you become each others best friends :-) because of you being so close in age I hope it happens sooner for you girls if it hasn't already happened...I know for a fact that there are probably arguments and jealousy fuming around you girls but I hope you stick together in the end...
Anyway I hope you both are doing well and are happy and healthy and smart and everything you wanna be...I love you girls so very much and I won't stop loving or thinking about you girls even when I don't post on this blog...I figure it this much...if I did post everyday I thought about you girls you would have a whole bunch of reading this way you girls will only have limited reading material to sift through and things would work out better that way and I could just talk to you girls about things to your face when that day comes :-)
I love you so very much! I can't say it enough cause I do!
I will talk to you girls Later and hopefully by that time I will have the place all set up in our new home and settled down...
My 30th birthday is coming up this May...I am feeling so old ha ha...but know I am not. And your Dad Johnny is going to be 40 in June...yep going over the hill...but he is fit for his age and he takes good care of himself...Anyway I will talk to you girls later I love you good night.
Sincerely,
Your loving Birth Mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
DOB May 1980
Happy 11th Birthday sweetheart! I hope you had a wonderful day I thought about you all day long and missed out on your celebration another year...but know when the time is right we will be back together and things will turn out better for us in the end...I love you so very much and miss you every waking hour...and think about you and your sister constantly...
I will write an update after this so you know whats up with your momma and family awaiting to meet you.
I pray that you know I love you and know I am here opened armed when you finally do get to come seek me out...and I look forward to that day and hope its sooner than later :-)
Sincerely,
Your loving Birthmother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
(dob May 1980)
Friday, January 01, 2010
| I miss you girls so much and its really hard to keep living a life without you girls apart of my life...but i know deep in my heart you are well taken care of and will come find me someday and by then i am sure i will have my head straight and my bitterness towards the system that took you from me dumbed down enough to where it dont send me to tears to talk about it. Anyway i love you both so very much! Miss you bunches! Look forward in seeing your pictures sooner than later soon as i get things together with my mind a bit...then go for it head first no detours no speed bumps asked to get in my way pure confidance in myself and just do it. And believe me im gonna do it! Love you and heres to turning my life around and hopefully getting things to where i can see your pictures at least...and watch you grow up that way at least. Talk to you later...sincerely, your loving birth mom Rabeka Jo (F) D |
Happy new year girls
| Rowsheall and Katelyn, This year i am going to snap out of my depression stop feeling sorry for myself and do something for myself that i could of and should of a long time ago and thats open my communications with your parents. But first thing is first...get myself together and keep it together and do start or finish a task that requires me to follow through and feel accomplished for a change...you know actually finish what i start...something i have a hard time doing for myself...anyway. I love you both i hope this year is the best year and is followed by many best years to follow as same for me i hope its smooth sailing from here on out from here girls cause i would love to be in right mind set when i do open that door of comunicatimons with your parents.I love you both so very much and thank god for blessing me with all 5 children i was blessed to have brought into this world and even though all three daughters visits with me were short and sweet i hstill am blessed to have known u |
Tuesday, November 17, 2009
Dear Katelyn,
Your father's name is Kenneth Ray Fairchild he lives in Heston I believe at the moment I will keep in touch with him for easy communication with him when you come to find me...I just wanted you to know his full name so you know it for your family tree.
Dear Rowsheall,
Your father is Bruce Elmore Hetzel he still lives in Wichita at the moment and I will NOT be staying in communication with him, but maybe every now and then your paternal grandmother Romona Darlene Hetzel (or Darlene Romona Hetzel I cant ever remember which order it went cause she goes by Romona and other times she goes by Darlene) So anyway. I will get you in touch with her when you come find me and she can get you in touch with your dad. I am sorry I just cannot be in contact with Bruce, he was aweful to me and just seeing him on the street fills me with so much anxiety and fear its unbelievable. And for that I am sorry. I didn't pick a better man to be your father. I love you and I hope you understand I was young and dumb and didn't think it was going to get worse but get better...something I hope you learn from me...that you cannot change a man and his ways, especially if it makes you feel so horrible about yourself it will only get worse in the end.
Dear Rowsheal and Katelyn,
I am hopeful to get in touch with your parents for pictures at least...and I hope you guys don't mind if I get squared away with my emotional state and get things in line for me and my husband to adopt a little girl...I hope you understand my moving on and having the two brothers of yours and your sister who passed away...and I hope that you know its not to replace you but help me through your absence in my life. I love you both unconditionally and that will NEVER change. I miss you both so very much every waking hour and moment...and think about you just as often. I can't wait til the day comes when you come home to me so I can hold you girls in my arms again.
Sincerely,
Your loving biological mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Saturday, September 26, 2009
Today I stopped by your grandmother Romona Hetzel's and visited with her a little. Caught up on things, and found out that Katelyn is not Bruce's daughter but Raymond Fairchild's I need to get in touch with him, though now it wouldn't do much good but bring sorrow to his heart to know that you were taken from him without knowing all these years...and not be able to do anything about it...but I feel he should know...Just so when you come find me and I send you in his direction he wont be in too big of shock.
I learned that you two visited with her unofficially on occasions...which was sweet of the foster mom to put that together for you girls. She really does love you, and misses you both dearly I hope she is still around when you come around so you can go find her as well...both foster mom and grandma, since she is the only grandma you have left thats biological at least.
I miss you guys so much I think thats why I went to visit with her to see if maybe just maybe she had more recent pictures of you girls but she doesn't. She was more sweet to me than she ever has been...so that was a nice welcoming. I don't know how I would of taken a rejection from her after my mom died...Im not doing too great after that, and the one year anniversary to Josephine's birth and death your baby sister. I just want my mom and can't have her so its really effecting me. I know it has probably (at least I hope but don't hope cause its aweful feeling not being able to be with me) been hard on you in the same way as you being away from me. I know that kind of sounds selfish, but I just hope you girls don't forget how much I love you and what all I did to get you girls back home with me and failed.
I am really missing you girls a whole lot lately, and I hope to find the noterize form I have to fill out and get noterized and sent to topeka to get that communications opened with your parents you have now and hopefully get those pictures of you guys soon. I know I say this often but I really want to do it this time and I will just give a link to this site for them to read if they feel they are ready to read the truth of the matter, and find out how loving and caring I truely am. And that I havn't forgotten you guys. I know I don't write much, but it don't mean I don't think of you both only this often as I write on here...cause if I did that, it would definately be overwhelming for you girls to read when you do find it, as it is overwhelming as it is right now and there are a few more years to squeeze onto this board before your old enough to find me and be introduced to it...or for you to know how to search for your birth names.
I love you girls so much, I am going to let you go for now, I need to run to the walmart and find some soybean/glycol free shampoo, conditioner, lotion, and body wash since I found I am allergic to soybean I have noticed that glycol is soybean based and I have been and always have reacted to shampoo and conditioner as well as bodywash and lotions, and I had no idea why I was itchy but now I know...this is going to be a several hour task I am sure.
Talk to you girls, later I love you so very much and miss you constantly.
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mom,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
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