Dear Rowsheall Kailyn,
I still have difficulties picturing you older than 3 but today you turn 12...and that in so hard to believe but in 6 more years you will be able to come and find me but its OK if you wait till your sister is 18 too so you both can find me...I am waiting with my arms wide open ready to hold you and kiss you and never let you go again....Celine Dion wrote a song Called Miracle http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGNQ9bu1mDk not sure if the link will work when you find this or when I show you this blog but this is how I feel about you, and Katelyn, and Dylan, and Jack, and Josephine, and now River....I just want to hold you now but I can't....and that hurts more than anything I have experienced I know where Josephine and River are...they are with our Father and with Jesus our Savior....you and Katelyn I don't know where you are...I just have to trust that God is watching over you and keeping you and your sister safe until you can come home to me....another song that hits home is Precious Child by Karen Tyler-Good even if its for a child who passed away...you are living in my heart for now...and I will be able to see you and hold you here on earth and your sister Katelyn too....I am so lost without you girls...I am trying to be a good mom to your two brothers I have been blessed with...its just so hard to keep going when the world around me keeps crumbling around me...but I have to keep going because someday you will come find me and I want to be here to see you and hold you once again....that day will be the day my life will be justified as being worth living....and everything will just fall back into place...I know your parents will still be in your life as they raised you since the state didn't see me able to raise you but I am able to raise your brothers...though sometimes I doubt myself and my abilities at times but I know God will help me get through the hard times and I rest in the promises that God has gave us...
I really pray God helps you in any resentment you may feel towards me as I did everything I could and it wasn't good enough for the state to put us back together forever but rather put us apart for a short while...I love you so very much and I can't say that enough....I am struggling without you both but I will survive....I have to....so I can see you again....I miss you so very much! I can't say that enough either...I really want to write your parents requesting pictures but I am so scared they will reject me....that would just break me if they  did...I can't take anymore heartache I hope I can get the guts to ask for permission to contact your parents and then write that letter opening our door of communication....I just am so scared to be rejected....I hope to be able to do that soon though....I will keep praying about it and praying for you all (mom, dad, you and your sister and your family)....I will talk to you later though.
I hope you had a wonderful Happy 12th Birthday Rowsheall and all your dreams came true today...you got everything you wanted....I love you and will talk to you again soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
your birth mother who won't ever forget you and your sister

Well girls, My life is just full of crisis and I am thankful you girls are not here to witness all that has gone on it will hurt you when you come find me or when you stumble on this blog but I really don't think you girls could have handled being here during my many losses as I am beside myself with this one...We had sonograms and echocardiograms done for this baby we were expecting and everything was so normal and so healthy there was nothing wrong at all with this baby...but they stopped moving and I went into the hospital and they couldn't find the heart beat and had to induce him still born...it was a surprise we didn't know what he was until he came out...he was beautiful...his name was River Lyric and he weighed 2lbs 9.7oz and was 15.5 inches long little bitty baby and so peaceful...we got lots of pictures to share with you when you come home to see us...
I love you girls so very much and I am so sorry that I couldn't fight harder and gotten you girls back....

In other news...I have been attacked by someone on yahoo messenger through this blog which I put on here so you girls could contact me if you wanted to or your parents could contact me even...and someone contacted me acting like they knew me back when I lost you girls and knew what was really going on...it was stupid what they had said to me because they are idiots if they think for a second I was lying on my blog....I am sharing my side of the story....if they don't like it or believe me thats on them...not me...I know what happened I was there experiencing it first hand...if they were with me 24/7 which that would of been my mother...then ya they can talk but since they only know obviously hearsay which is what others say about me and what was going on at the time etc...anyways I cannot believe that they would attack me like they did but knowing someone out there thinks I am lying to you girls in my blog kind of irritates me...just because they were anonymous tells me they really dont know me and if they did they would let their identity be known so we can have it out like adults and get on the same page as each other...I have not lied to you once on this blog and I hope that you do find me first before you find whoever is a liar out there grows up and stops the rumors and stops attacking me anonymously cause thats just childish and immature...

So that note is kind of for the attacker not you girls but I just had to make it known that there are some people out there who have it in their minds that I got what I deserved just so that way they feel better about themselves and justified that they have their kids...not me having you girls...etc...kind of a comfort thing really for them because if they believe my story in the way things went down...then that puts their family in jeopardy of being torn apart like ours and thats just not something people are willing to accept and I don't blame them its scary that they could take two children from a loving home based on lies...but they did...and it hurt...and I am surviving but missing you girls every waking hour of my life...and I won't ever stop thinking about you nor will I stop praying for your return home to me...and I look forward to your return and I hope and pray for strength to risk rejection by requesting pictures of you girls but its so hard to not think maybe the parents won't think I deserve pictures or anything...that I am this horrible drug addict the courts made me to look like...which was far from the truth....anyways I am sorry to break that news to you too...but now you have a little girl sister angel and a little boy brother angel  up in heaven watching over you with Grandma Sally...

I am going to Mental Health Association for counseling now and they have many programs that I am planning on getting involved in so I can maybe hopefully get back into enjoying life maybe? I don't even know if I can without you girls and without your brother and sister now who are in Heaven....but I really want to so I can maybe be a wonderful mother when you finally do come home...I am maturing I think in my mental emotional side...or I am just numb at the moment I am not sure which...since it just happened this weekend...

Anyway I love you girls so very much and miss you very much...I will be writing in on Rowsheall's Birthday as usual here in a few days...I will talk to you Rowsheall later I love you sweetheart...Katelyn I love you sweetheart too....I wonder what you girls look like being 10 and nearly 12 you must be so big! and smart!
Talk to you later sweeties...
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo

It took the state 507 days to destroy our family I had with you both Rowsheall and Katelyn.

Thats One year 4 months and 20 days

Thats 43,804,800 seconds

Thats 730,080 Minutes

Thats 12,168 hours

thats 72 weeks (rounded down)

It seems only yesterday was the last time I seen you both but it has been 2923 days

thats 8 yrs and ago to the date

thats 252,547,200 seconds

thats 4,209,120 minutes

thats 70,152 hours

thats 413 weeks (rounded down)

I can't believe my babies are growing up without me...and they are no longer 3 and 2 as they were today 8 yrs ago...its unbelieveable how long it has been...I miss you every waking hour of my life and ache to hear your laughs, feel you hugging me, hearing you both say you love me...I watch the DVD home videos of you both and want to just reach into the tv and hold you one last time...but I can't...and that is something I have to come to terms with every waking hour of my life...

I am surviving, I am not sure how I am but I am...and I am trying my best to keep myself together but its an every moment battle...losing you two were worst than losing my latest daughter who died...losing you two absolutely destroyed me...and for a short while I let it....I hope you understand when you come home to meet me that I did everything in my ability (cause this was a very debilitating experience I had ever experienced in my life) but I am so thankful that I got to spend the time I did with them or partly be apart of their lives.

I got to see and be apart of Rowshealls life 1250 days (March 29th 1999-Aug 29th 2002)

Thats 3 years 5 months, to the date

thats 108,000,000 seconds

thats 1,800,000 minutes

thats 30,000 hours

or 178 weeks (rounded down)

I got to see and be apart of Katelyn's life for 744 days (Aug 15th 2000-Aug 29th 2002)

thats 2 yrs, 14 days

thats 64,281,600 seconds

thats 1,071,360 minutes

thats 106 weeks (rounded down

I had custody of the girls and doing what I had to and made sure my kids needs were met which they were well taken care of....for

Rowsheall 743 days

thats 2 yrs 12 days

thats 64,195,200 seconds

thats 1,069,920 minutes

thats 17,832 hours

thats 106 weeks (Rounded down)

Katelyne 238 days

thats 7 months 26 days

thats 20,563,200 seconds

thats 342,720 minutes

thats 34 weeks

and by the time I got to visit with the girls Katelyn didn't even recognize me and cried for her mom the full hour visitation who was right in front of her...which really deeply broke my heart into a million billion zillion infinity pieces...

Well baby's I miss you terribly bad...and I love you so very much and I can't wait to see you again someday hopefully sooner than later...I really am doing good...just miss you alot and try not to let it get to me too bad cause I hold the thought that you will someday come and find me and if its till your 18th birthdays

Rowsheall will come home in 2405 days, thats 6 yrs, 7 months, and 1 day

Thats 207,792,000 seconds

thats 3,463, 200 minutes

thats 57,720 hours

343 weeks (rounded down)

Katelyn will come home in 2909 days

thats 7 yrs, 11 months, and 18 days

thats 251,337,600 seconds

thats 4,188,960 minutes

thats 69,816 hours

thats 415 weeks (rounded down)

thats not as long as I have been without you two...so I can do this...I don't want to but I have to...it kills me...but I do what I have to....

How fun to know all the calculations of our lives and how soon we will see each other again...I am so excited! I can't wait but have to ya know what I mean!

I love you so very much and miss you two so very much...

Sincerely,

your loving birth mother

Rabeka Jo (F) D (DOB 5/1980)

Katelyn Marie,

I can't believe you are turning 10 today, its amazing how time is just flying by. 8 more years before you can come and find me, I am so excited about meeting you someday...I know it could be sooner than that depending on your adoptive parent's desires but I count on that 18th birthday for sure...

You must be getting so big by now...Your dad Kenneth Raymond Fairchild just texted me saying he was just thinking about our baby girl on her birthday...he just found out sometime this last year as I did too that he was the father of you...big surprise to us both...but a good surprise...anyway...I just wanted you to know I and your daddy are thinking about you on your birthday.

I miss you and your sister so very much, and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you two. I just bought me some thinking of you cards, and note book and envelopes, I hope to write a few letters throughout the year and hopefully find out where to send them so they get stored into a file for when you and your sister come of age...though I hate to send them and then find out you never got them cause they got lost...or something...so I guess I should make copies for my own box to give to you girls when you come home...I have a few things I have from when you were with me as well as what I bought you throughout the years too...its not much of a collection of things...but it sure is better than nothing...I really can't believe you are actually going to be 10 this year...you are still 2 in my mind...Aug 29th, 2002 was the last day I seen you and your sister...and its so hard to think you are no longer that cute little baby girl anymore....but I am thankful each day that you are well taken care of and I pray that you are happy and healthy and thriving and having the best life God has to offer you. I wish it was with me but know it was best that you and your sister were to be else where...even if right now or back then I couldn't see the point I was a loving mother without a clue and I really wish I could undo a lot of things I said and did (those not being what I was accused of) but things I felt I had to do so I could get you girls back home with me...anyway...

I hope you have a happy birthday and get everything you want for your birthday. I also hope you still think of me as I do you, but I hope these thoughts are happy ones as they are for me happy thoughts of you coming home to me when the time is right. I really do love you and your sister so very much. I really hope you are doing very well where you are and are truly happy and settled. I would pursue custody but know that it would be more traumatic for you to be taken from where you are now to be placed with me and thats why I haven't pursued it farther...but it was unjust that you both were taken from me permanently like you were...but the damage is already done and there is no turning back now...

Anyway I love you so very much Katelyn and so does your daddy Ray and Daddy Johnny (my husband ur step dad) I will talk to you later Katelyn Marie, see you someday soon :-)

Sincerely,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

your Birth mother

(D.O.B. 5-1980)

Well that house mentioned in the last post fell through it had too many problems the seller wasn't willing to fix...so we found a 3 bedroom 1 bath house thats half the size of this one...but I think I can manage to keep ontop of the house work with it...I am excited to finally be out of this house I been in since I was 6 yrs old...we will still have it and plan to rent it out as soon as we fix it up a bit...

Anyway I miss you girls so very much...today being mothers day was tough...2nd mothers day without my mom...I don't know how you girls go through this holiday without me...its hard...so hard.

I just hope you treat your new mom as you would of treated me and enjoy her as she is a blessing to all three of us...and I look forward in meeting her and your new dad as well...it takes a big heart to take in two girls as their own and raise them up as if they are their own...

I have been looking into the whole adopt a little girl idea and I have to expunge you girls from my record before I can do that...and I am not sure what that will do to my ability to find you and you find me...but I don't like the sounds of it...so come July, or August your dad Johnny and I will be trying to have another baby and we won't be finding out if its a girl or a boy and will be surprised when they arrive.

I am excited to finally be moving...and I hope the bank stuff irons out and closing date can remain May 19th, 3 days after my birthday...anyway I miss you both so very much and I love you so very much...

I am starting to write my book of my life again...and I pray I continue to write it and get it published so the miscarriage of Justice we went through can at least be known by society for all that it was and is today...and I hope it opens up doors to where we can at least be in contact with one another soon afterwards...if not bring you home to me IF you want to do so...but if you are happy I would much rather leave you where you are...don't get me wrong it will hurt to lose you again...but I don't want to stir up emotions that are hopefully settled down by now cause I don't want you girls to be more screwed up than the state already has made you screwed up...to hold you girls again would be a dream come true and I would be here open armed if you were to come home...and I would be truly blessed to have you back...to harm you and your sister though...I mean to up and move you again...I don't think that would be in the best interest of you girls...unless circumstances allowed you to be moved back home with me that left you girls happy and transitioned correctly....I love you and miss you...I want you back...but know the damage was done and that you hopefully are healed from these wounds...and things are normal as they can be....I hope you understand what I mean...its not that I don't want you...I do more than anything in the world....I just know I don't want to force you girls into something you don't want.

I love you and miss you so very much and I will write again on my birthday as I know will be a hard one to get through again...Love you miss you talk to you soon.

Sincerely,

your loving birth mother,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

Hey baby girls I miss you so much and think of you often. Your dad Johnny and I have found a house that is 6 bedroom 2 bath and are hopefully moving in May 5th...I am so excited! We will have three extra bedrooms one for a daughter we plan to adopt in the future...and then two extra rooms for my craft room and Johnny's man stuff...but easily we can convert our extra rooms into your bed rooms when and if you do come home...I am so ready for that...and I hope you do want to come stay with us if not only for the weekends or vacation leaves from school like summer break or spring break or winter break or whatever....I would love to have my baby girls home with me finally!

I am so excited I am packing my things and making sure I pack all the things I am keeping to show you girls from when you girls were with me...they arn't much but I have fond memories with them...anyway, I love you I need to get some rest as your youngest brother Jack needs to go to a dentist to have a consult about getting his cavities filled...then off to pack some more :-) I haven't moved since I was 6 years old accept the temporary moves between my moms house and your dad's house Rowsheall...I never really lived lived with Katelyn's dad Raymond, he really didn't have the room for me and you Rowsheall...and then after I had Katelyn I had no clue that she was his...but others thought so...I argued...but now I know the truth...Anyway, I hope I didn't disappoint you girls too much with the choice of fathers I ended up with...I just know I never regretted having either one of you...I sometimes wish you hadn't been so close in age at times 17 months apart is awful close but I found even with 21 months between your brothers its just as hard if not harder...so there really isn't a right or wrong spacing between kids...I just hope that what I thought would happen with you girls is that when you get older you become each others best friends :-) because of you being so close in age I hope it happens sooner for you girls if it hasn't already happened...I know for a fact that there are probably arguments and jealousy fuming around you girls but I hope you stick together in the end...

Anyway I hope you both are doing well and are happy and healthy and smart and everything you wanna be...I love you girls so very much and I won't stop loving or thinking about you girls even when I don't post on this blog...I figure it this much...if I did post everyday I thought about you girls you would have a whole bunch of reading this way you girls will only have limited reading material to sift through and things would work out better that way and I could just talk to you girls about things to your face when that day comes :-)

I love you so very much! I can't say it enough cause I do!

I will talk to you girls Later and hopefully by that time I will have the place all set up in our new home and settled down...

My 30th birthday is coming up this May...I am feeling so old ha ha...but know I am not. And your Dad Johnny is going to be 40 in June...yep going over the hill...but he is fit for his age and he takes good care of himself...Anyway I will talk to you girls later I love you good night.

Sincerely,

Your loving Birth Mother,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

DOB May 1980

Happy 11th Birthday sweetheart! I hope you had a wonderful day I thought about you all day long and missed out on your celebration another year...but know when the time is right we will be back together and things will turn out better for us in the end...I love you so very much and miss you every waking hour...and think about you and your sister constantly...

I will write an update after this so you know whats up with your momma and family awaiting to meet you.

I pray that you know I love you and know I am here opened armed when you finally do get to come seek me out...and I look forward to that day and hope its sooner than later :-)

Sincerely,

Your loving Birthmother,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

(dob May 1980)

I miss you girls so much and its really hard to keep living a life without you girls apart of my life...but i know deep in my heart you are well taken care of and will come find me someday and by then i am sure i will have my head straight and my bitterness towards the system that took you from me dumbed down enough to where it dont send me to tears to talk about it. Anyway i love you both so very much! Miss you bunches! Look forward in seeing your pictures sooner than later soon as i get things together with my mind a bit...then go for it head first no detours no speed bumps asked to get in my way pure confidance in myself and just do it. And believe me im gonna do it! Love you and heres to turning my life around and hopefully getting things to where i can see your pictures at least...and watch you grow up that way at least. Talk to you later...sincerely, your loving birth mom Rabeka Jo (F) D

Happy new year girls

Rowsheall and Katelyn, This year i am going to snap out of my depression stop feeling sorry for myself and do something for myself that i could of and should of a long time ago and thats open my communications with your parents. But first thing is first...get myself together and keep it together and do start or finish a task that requires me to follow through and feel accomplished for a change...you know actually finish what i start...something i have a hard time doing for myself...anyway. I love you both i hope this year is the best year and is followed by many best years to follow as same for me i hope its smooth sailing from here on out from here girls cause i would love to be in right mind set when i do open that door of comunicatimons with your parents.I love you both so very much and thank god for blessing me with all 5 children i was blessed to have brought into this world and even though all three daughters visits with me were short and sweet i hstill am blessed to have known u

Dear Katelyn, Your father's name is Kenneth Ray Fairchild he lives in Heston I believe at the moment I will keep in touch with him for easy communication with him when you come to find me...I just wanted you to know his full name so you know it for your family tree. Dear Rowsheall, Your father is Bruce Elmore Hetzel he still lives in Wichita at the moment and I will NOT be staying in communication with him, but maybe every now and then your paternal grandmother Romona Darlene Hetzel (or Darlene Romona Hetzel I cant ever remember which order it went cause she goes by Romona and other times she goes by Darlene) So anyway. I will get you in touch with her when you come find me and she can get you in touch with your dad. I am sorry I just cannot be in contact with Bruce, he was aweful to me and just seeing him on the street fills me with so much anxiety and fear its unbelievable. And for that I am sorry. I didn't pick a better man to be your father. I love you and I hope you understand I was young and dumb and didn't think it was going to get worse but get better...something I hope you learn from me...that you cannot change a man and his ways, especially if it makes you feel so horrible about yourself it will only get worse in the end. Dear Rowsheal and Katelyn, I am hopeful to get in touch with your parents for pictures at least...and I hope you guys don't mind if I get squared away with my emotional state and get things in line for me and my husband to adopt a little girl...I hope you understand my moving on and having the two brothers of yours and your sister who passed away...and I hope that you know its not to replace you but help me through your absence in my life. I love you both unconditionally and that will NEVER change. I miss you both so very much every waking hour and moment...and think about you just as often. I can't wait til the day comes when you come home to me so I can hold you girls in my arms again. Sincerely, Your loving biological mother, Rabeka Jo (F) D

Today I stopped by your grandmother Romona Hetzel's and visited with her a little. Caught up on things, and found out that Katelyn is not Bruce's daughter but Raymond Fairchild's I need to get in touch with him, though now it wouldn't do much good but bring sorrow to his heart to know that you were taken from him without knowing all these years...and not be able to do anything about it...but I feel he should know...Just so when you come find me and I send you in his direction he wont be in too big of shock. I learned that you two visited with her unofficially on occasions...which was sweet of the foster mom to put that together for you girls. She really does love you, and misses you both dearly I hope she is still around when you come around so you can go find her as well...both foster mom and grandma, since she is the only grandma you have left thats biological at least. I miss you guys so much I think thats why I went to visit with her to see if maybe just maybe she had more recent pictures of you girls but she doesn't. She was more sweet to me than she ever has been...so that was a nice welcoming. I don't know how I would of taken a rejection from her after my mom died...Im not doing too great after that, and the one year anniversary to Josephine's birth and death your baby sister. I just want my mom and can't have her so its really effecting me. I know it has probably (at least I hope but don't hope cause its aweful feeling not being able to be with me) been hard on you in the same way as you being away from me. I know that kind of sounds selfish, but I just hope you girls don't forget how much I love you and what all I did to get you girls back home with me and failed. I am really missing you girls a whole lot lately, and I hope to find the noterize form I have to fill out and get noterized and sent to topeka to get that communications opened with your parents you have now and hopefully get those pictures of you guys soon. I know I say this often but I really want to do it this time and I will just give a link to this site for them to read if they feel they are ready to read the truth of the matter, and find out how loving and caring I truely am. And that I havn't forgotten you guys. I know I don't write much, but it don't mean I don't think of you both only this often as I write on here...cause if I did that, it would definately be overwhelming for you girls to read when you do find it, as it is overwhelming as it is right now and there are a few more years to squeeze onto this board before your old enough to find me and be introduced to it...or for you to know how to search for your birth names. I love you girls so much, I am going to let you go for now, I need to run to the walmart and find some soybean/glycol free shampoo, conditioner, lotion, and body wash since I found I am allergic to soybean I have noticed that glycol is soybean based and I have been and always have reacted to shampoo and conditioner as well as bodywash and lotions, and I had no idea why I was itchy but now I know...this is going to be a several hour task I am sure. Talk to you girls, later I love you so very much and miss you constantly. Sincerely, Your loving birth mom, Rabeka Jo (F) D

Dear Katelyn, I can't believe you are turning 9 today, it's unbelievable how time has flown since the last time I got to hold you and tell you I loved you. I just got done watching the home videos of you girls as I always do on each one of your birthdays, and sometimes on hollidays if I feel the need to feel close to you and know that you love me... I know I wasn't very close to you Katelyn when I had you, mommy went through post partum pretty hard after you were born, and I regret that tramendously. During our first visitation after a few months after you were taken by the state from me, you cried the whole hour for your mommy, and I was right there. It crushed me so hard, I cried a lil and the supervisor took me outside and said if I didn't regain control of my emotions she was going to have to end the visitation. So I had to swollow the tears and try to get you distracted but I just couldn't tear you from that door and you crying for your mommy. I tried. It wasn't your fault you didn't know me anymore, it was mine. Had I not trusted the babysitter Tiffany Christ-Griffin to take care of you girls 24-7 as needed to help me get on our feet, I would of still had you girls and I would of not had to be away from you that long. I am so sorry I was young and dumb when I brought you into this world. Time keeps truckin on, and with each passing year we get closer to the day you can come find me, and I am so excited and can't hardly wait to see you girls again. I want to show you the few pictures I have of us and the three videos I have of us that I watch every birthday of each of you girls. I am so excited to know its just around the bend...and I wait so patiently. I still havn't found that form to fill out and get noterized so I can open the communication between me and your new parents...plus just asking for pictures and anything else they wish to share with me...is hard cause I feel I should justify myself in them knowing that I wasn't that bad of a mother, and that I did love you girls dearly, that I wasn't on drugs as they accused me of etc. But I also don't want to write a 10 page essay on the whole thing. So I am kind of torn on writing that request cause I know I shouldn't overwhelm on the first letter just a to the point letter to start and if they want to ask questions they can. I am clearly an open book as I have placed the whole story on the net for the world to read in the hopes that when you girls get old enough you can google your names and find this here blog. Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful eventful (good events) day filled with your loving family and friends surrounding you during your special day. I love you and miss you so very much. I will talk to you later, Sincerely, Rabeka Jo (F) D your Biological mother p.s. tell Rowsheall hi and tell her that I love her too thanks

And i miss you so much and wish i wasnt robbed from watching you girls grow up. But i was and am. Talk to you later. Love you both sincerely, ~Rabeka JO

---

So life is not only what you make it but also how you react to it all...i have been reevaluating my reactions to whats happened in my life and many things i could of reacted differently to...but i will never regret showing how devistated i was when i lost you girls in court. But i do regret not showing emotions on our last visitation...even though it would have ended our visit that much sooner...i should have not faked it like it didnt matter to me...cause it did matter the world to me. You girls were my sunshine and as tha song e sang to you girls says please dont take my sunshine away. But they did and i was in the dark for a while not knowing where to turn...what to do without you there with me giving me reason to get up in the morning and go to work each day etc. I really love you both very very very much! -), 8 '8++ 697 +9 :346 '7_# -), 28+# 8 2-+)5 49((3, %49' 2-5_#8)$ 697 $84?+ $492 70" (75 8 2-+ -), -'" 5-?! To you later. Love you both sincerely, any times ~Rabeka JO p.s. look in another post for the jumbled letters and numbers and symbols thing...I corrected it later

Dear rowsheall and katelyn, i keep trying to sleep and i cant stop thinking about you girls. I dont know why, but i am praying for you and your family. I hope you had a fun and safe 4th of july. Funny how no matter how many years go by without you girls here, the harder its getting to keep going on with my life. I feel guilty yet hopeful that you girls wont be mad at me for continuing with my life i feel i was born to live. That being living as a mother. Though i feel i am failing as one from time to time, probably cause of what happened with the state and our case, even though i know i did everything i physically could do and it wasnt good enough. I thought going on with my life would make the fact that you both are away from me go by easier, but i have to say this is better than the life i found myself in shortly after you were court ordered a life without me in it. I no doubt would of died on that path i was on. One thing i have learned about life is life is how you react~Rabeka JO

Had a moment to email you girls...dont know why but i am missing you sooooo muchc right now
~Rabeka JO~

Hey baby girls, I know by the time you read this you wont be babies no more but you will always be my babies. Ok so I been hanging out with girls around your ages now...and I have to say I cant believe how big you girls must be and wow how smart you must be getting...I hope you enjoy math like I did growing up...anyways baby girls...I been thinking about you a whole lot and my new years resolution is to write more often so whenever I get a chance to text a message to your blog here I am going to take that opportunity...that reminds me I hope you spell better than I do l lol. I love you both and miss you so much...wish I could hug you and kiss you again sooner than later. I pray for you girls every chance I get. Big hugs and kisses! Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Sincerely, your loving birth mom,
~Rabeka Jo (F) D

Well today I was going through boxes and came across the envelope that has Katelyn's first hair cut...sorry dont have Rowshealls cause that psycho baby sitter did it without my permission and didn't save any of it for me...or offer it to me or anything...I also found a plate, some hats, some noise blowers, and some cups from Rowshealls Third Birthday with the reciepts of all I got for you on that day...sadly though the mice chewed through part of them...and chewed up a whole picture Rowsheall drew for me...I was really upset from this...I still have the hand prints of both you girls and the foot and hand cut out in the shape of a raindeer dispite the google eyes missing the nose is still sort of intact...I think Rowsheall made it for christmas...Anyway...I also have a few other things that I have stashed away that were your girls...and I pull them out from time to time and remember you during my memorial moments I sometimes go through when I miss you so much.

As you know your grandmother passed away Sally...her birthday was the 18th well her would be birthday...and now I know how it must feel for you girls at least I hope you feel about me being out of your lives...I know that sounds conceited but I really do hope you miss me as much as I miss you sometimes if not all the time...like the way I do you both...I just hope this pain eases up as the years pass...but find its only getting harder and harder with each passing birthday...the other day I realized Rowsheall must be in 4th grade by now...and Katelyn should be in 2nd or 3rd? WOW thats big girls I have out there somewhere...

Anyway I thought I would send you a note about today and how I had found that stuff...I love you girls so much! I miss you each and every day! every waking hour!

I can't wait to see and hold you again!

Sincerely,

Your birthmother,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

Baby girls i just went through my photo album of you girls and i cried so hard. I miss you both so much! I just thought i would show you me on a memorial night where i remember everything about what happened and how it all happened etc. bottom line is girls i do think of you often and now that i have a qwerty phone i think i will be able to post more often life permiting at least. As you know my life just keeps going up and down and then really far down. But i just keep truckin along waiting for my rainbow to apear when my rays of sunshine return to my loving arms (you girls). Well sweethearts mommy needs to head to bed early cause your brothers get up early and your daddy johnny needs his sleep since he works third shift now days. I love you both so much and i am so sorry i let you down. I hope i can make it up to you someday. In loving care, your birth mother, Rabeka Jo (F) D p.s. sorry the picture didn't come through but I will try to get it up on here soon

Dear Rowsheall,

Wow your 10? How time flys and to think we only have 8 more years til your old enough to come find me and find out I love you more than anything I just can't wait!

Well sorry I have an update that isn't happy. Not sure if I posted about it yet. But you Grandmother Sally died Jan. 19, 2009. She loved you two girls so much and it hurt me that she didn't get to see you before she left this world. But we all will be gathered someday and will know eachother, and that day will be glorious.

Anyway, I hope you have a happy birthday sweetheart I miss you so much...and love you so much...I do think of you often and I always promise to write more on here but I get busy with life and stuff I have been doing a fund raiser to raise money for Congenital Heart Defect research through childrens heart foundation web site...and so far I have $150.50 so I am excited! I been doing lives shows on blogtv as froginmythroat and trying to raise money that way and its been going pretty good just not as quick as I thought it would.

Anyway, I will talk to you later sweetheart and look forward in seeing you again someday hopefully sooner than later.

Sincerely,

Your Loving Birth Mother,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

P.S. Katelyn I love you so much and miss you so much too sweetheart and can't wait to see you both sooner than later.