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And i miss you so much and wish i wasnt robbed from watching you girls grow up. But i was and am. Talk to you later. Love you both sincerely,
~Rabeka JO
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So life is not only what you make it but also how you react to it all...i have been reevaluating my reactions to whats happened in my life and many things i could of reacted differently to...but i will never regret showing how devistated i was when i lost you girls in court. But i do regret not showing emotions on our last visitation...even though it would have ended our visit that much sooner...i should have not faked it like it didnt matter to me...cause it did matter the world to me. You girls were my sunshine and as tha song e sang to you girls says please dont take my sunshine away. But they did and i was in the dark for a while not knowing where to turn...what to do without you there with me giving me reason to get up in the morning and go to work each day etc. I really love you both very very very much! -), 8 '8++ 697 +9 :346 '7_# -), 28+# 8 2-+)5 49((3, %49' 2-5_#8)$ 697 $84?+ $492 70" (75 8 2-+ -), -'" 5-?! To you later. Love you both sincerely, any times
~Rabeka JO
p.s. look in another post for the jumbled letters and numbers and symbols thing...I corrected it later
Dear rowsheall and katelyn, i keep trying to sleep and i cant stop thinking about you girls. I dont know why, but i am praying for you and your family. I hope you had a fun and safe 4th of july. Funny how no matter how many years go by without you girls here, the harder its getting to keep going on with my life. I feel guilty yet hopeful that you girls wont be mad at me for continuing with my life i feel i was born to live. That being living as a mother. Though i feel i am failing as one from time to time, probably cause of what happened with the state and our case, even though i know i did everything i physically could do and it wasnt good enough. I thought going on with my life would make the fact that you both are away from me go by easier, but i have to say this is better than the life i found myself in shortly after you were court ordered a life without me in it. I no doubt would of died on that path i was on. One thing i have learned about life is life is how you react~Rabeka JO
Had a moment to email you girls...dont know why but i am missing you sooooo muchc right now ~Rabeka JO~
Hey baby girls, I know by the time you read this you wont be babies no more but you will always be my babies. Ok so I been hanging out with girls around your ages now...and I have to say I cant believe how big you girls must be and wow how smart you must be getting...I hope you enjoy math like I did growing up...anyways baby girls...I been thinking about you a whole lot and my new years resolution is to write more often so whenever I get a chance to text a message to your blog here I am going to take that opportunity...that reminds me I hope you spell better than I do l lol. I love you both and miss you so much...wish I could hug you and kiss you again sooner than later. I pray for you girls every chance I get. Big hugs and kisses! Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Sincerely, your loving birth mom,
~Rabeka Jo (F) D
Well today I was going through boxes and came across the envelope that has Katelyn's first hair cut...sorry dont have Rowshealls cause that psycho baby sitter did it without my permission and didn't save any of it for me...or offer it to me or anything...I also found a plate, some hats, some noise blowers, and some cups from Rowshealls Third Birthday with the reciepts of all I got for you on that day...sadly though the mice chewed through part of them...and chewed up a whole picture Rowsheall drew for me...I was really upset from this...I still have the hand prints of both you girls and the foot and hand cut out in the shape of a raindeer dispite the google eyes missing the nose is still sort of intact...I think Rowsheall made it for christmas...Anyway...I also have a few other things that I have stashed away that were your girls...and I pull them out from time to time and remember you during my memorial moments I sometimes go through when I miss you so much.
As you know your grandmother passed away Sally...her birthday was the 18th well her would be birthday...and now I know how it must feel for you girls at least I hope you feel about me being out of your lives...I know that sounds conceited but I really do hope you miss me as much as I miss you sometimes if not all the time...like the way I do you both...I just hope this pain eases up as the years pass...but find its only getting harder and harder with each passing birthday...the other day I realized Rowsheall must be in 4th grade by now...and Katelyn should be in 2nd or 3rd? WOW thats big girls I have out there somewhere...
Anyway I thought I would send you a note about today and how I had found that stuff...I love you girls so much! I miss you each and every day! every waking hour!
I can't wait to see and hold you again!
Sincerely,
Your birthmother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Baby girls i just went through my photo album of you girls and i cried so hard. I miss you both so much! I just thought i would show you me on a memorial night where i remember everything about what happened and how it all happened etc. bottom line is girls i do think of you often and now that i have a qwerty phone i think i will be able to post more often life permiting at least. As you know my life just keeps going up and down and then really far down. But i just keep truckin along waiting for my rainbow to apear when my rays of sunshine return to my loving arms (you girls). Well sweethearts mommy needs to head to bed early cause your brothers get up early and your daddy johnny needs his sleep since he works third shift now days. I love you both so much and i am so sorry i let you down. I hope i can make it up to you someday. In loving care, your birth mother, Rabeka Jo (F) D p.s. sorry the picture didn't come through but I will try to get it up on here soon
Dear Rowsheall,
Wow your 10? How time flys and to think we only have 8 more years til your old enough to come find me and find out I love you more than anything I just can't wait!
Well sorry I have an update that isn't happy. Not sure if I posted about it yet. But you Grandmother Sally died Jan. 19, 2009. She loved you two girls so much and it hurt me that she didn't get to see you before she left this world. But we all will be gathered someday and will know eachother, and that day will be glorious.
Anyway, I hope you have a happy birthday sweetheart I miss you so much...and love you so much...I do think of you often and I always promise to write more on here but I get busy with life and stuff I have been doing a fund raiser to raise money for Congenital Heart Defect research through childrens heart foundation web site...and so far I have $150.50 so I am excited! I been doing lives shows on blogtv as froginmythroat and trying to raise money that way and its been going pretty good just not as quick as I thought it would.
Anyway, I will talk to you later sweetheart and look forward in seeing you again someday hopefully sooner than later.
Sincerely,
Your Loving Birth Mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
P.S. Katelyn I love you so much and miss you so much too sweetheart and can't wait to see you both sooner than later.
(this was an email I sent to family and friends and thought I would include you so you know when grandma got on hospice and what went on)
My mom went into hospice today around 4pm her tolerance to the pain is non-existent and cannot take it any longer.
She will be there for a few days to a week depending on finding a medication that works to keep her comfortable during her last days here on earth. Their Job is to make her comfortable. They haven't given a time line to expect her to live without treatments to fight the skin cancer. But I am sure it won't be long, since she has given up cause she cannot take it any longer. I pray she does fight a little longer. But the doctors have given up hope to treat her anymore and they won't be progressing her any longer with scans to see how far the skin cancer has gone etc. They just handed her over to hospice and are through with treatments of the cancer.
They believe the Chemo from this last time has caused nerve damage in her face and that is what is causing her facial pain. The numbness in the chin and now up just past her lip crease is now numb too is like Novocain when its totally numb but trying to start to come back so its painful part of that Novocain wearing off type feeling in her chin and up past her right crease in her lip....her lip is burning and hurting as well...she is numb so numb she finds herself drooling and when she attempted to eat tonight found her food trying to escape the hole in her mouth.
The pain shoots back to her ear and behind her ear and up under her jaw on that right side as well as in the temporal area on up over her eyebrow...but its only existent on her right side which is just weird. That's where her skin cancer has been found. It has spread into her liver as well. They also found a speck of something in her Cerebellum area of her brain but too small to know what it is.
So its also in her pelvic bone, her butt, her collar bone, her chest wall, still in her lymph node under her right arm pit, and in her neck. Since its in her liver, its just a matter of time for it to start to shut down and then move on to other big organs.
So their job is to make the pain tolerable. She is on a high concentrate of morphine that is dispensed into fatty area of her left arm which the pump will administer 200mg throughout the time span of 3 hours I believe that's what she said and every 30 minutes my mom can press a button to receive a double dose of morphine. It will not allow her to press it until 30 minutes is up so its a safety feature that will keep her from Over Dosing herself. But it will record how many times she presses the button between the 30 min. intervals to tell doctors if they need to up doses or lower doses or add additional medications to manage her pain better. During her stay at the hospital they are monitoring her and see how these medications effect her, and if they need to adjust or do something different. So its a good thing. She is such a homebody though that not even an hour after being there she was ready to go back home.
After she is released from the hospital, they will move in a hospital bed into her home for her to sleep on, so that will help...she will also have a nurse coming out once or twice a week and a nurse on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week...so all we have to do is call when something is wrong and they will rush right over and take care of her. They will also have someone come out twice a week to bathe her and change her bedding and everything. So it is a great program and I am thankful for this program being available to help us help her through her last days here on earth.
She has given up since the doctors have given up on her. They do not wish to keep track of the progress of the cancer. She feels they won't even treat her if she gets an ear infection or a tooth infection or anything, they are just done treating her all together, but I don't think they are that "done" with her, just they won't be giving her chemo anymore, she said they won't be doing blood tests anymore to keep track of her platelets so she won't know if she is deteriorating or not and I think this bothers her. She likes to know how things are going, and how long she has to live etc. Where the cancer has spread and all that too...so we may try to talk to the doctors to see if they could humor her and do them despite their rules and regulations and keep track of this as a medical study or some other reason they could come up with so they could pull it off, so she can know what she wants to know. She gave me permission to allow them to do an autopsy on her to learn from her when she is gone, so they can maybe help future cancer patients like her. Which I think is noble of her to say yes to. She does not wish for her picture to be taken when she is in her casket, because she had a picture of her grandma in her casket and it just haunted her all these years the image and she doesn't want anyone to have that image in their minds like her...I want to respect this wish, and I will, but not sure if I will pass this information onto the other grievers around me or not. Though I probably will when it comes down to it since she really don't want that.
So Anyway, the road is almost over now. And I don't know really how I am going to take all this, but with all I have been through so far, I don't know what else would bring me to my knees...sometimes wonder if I even am living anymore myself. I feel so mindless, and numb. But the tears do still flow, which I haven't been able to tear up for a while now so that's a good thing I think.
Anyway, I will talk to you later.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
P.S. Other than this bump in the road our Christmas was the best ever, I know that's weird to say after losing a baby girl, but she really opened my eyes to what I do have and I am so thankful for all I do have. This was the first Christmas I actually enjoyed and looked forward to. I will write more later...I am in a lot of pain from my face so I am going to try to sift through my emails and head to bed.
Well here come another Christmas holiday without you here with me...I picture you two so excited that Santa is coming to visit and setting out cookies and milk for Santa and Carrots for the Reindeer's...waking in the wee hours of the morning before the sun comes up to shine...spending time with your forever family, and happy. I wish I could be there with you to share these holidays with you all along with your birthdays and every time in between. But I can't and that breaks my heart.
For some reason I had a thought enter my mind about you Rowsheall...did you know that you dad called you Critter and would play with your feet and elbows through my belly by tickling my belly making you move. Did you know that we almost named you Mesha Katrina Lyn Hetzel? That was one on the list. And I used to tell you Cigarettes were CaCa you actually tried to eat my cigarette butts once, and you were curious and at one time I let you take a drag and you threw up, I was young and dumb and shouldn't have done that, I just wanted to show you that it was caca so you would leave them alone...I look back and know that was wrong of me to do that...you learn from mistakes, thats life. So anyway, you and I were walking into walmart and there was mexican people in a group smoking and you pointed at them and said CaCa momma CaCa and I explained not you the cigarettes..cause they were about to jump me and hurt me bad...cause CaCa in spanish means S$#T so yeah it was not a good situation but I laughed about it later...When you were a new born baby we were in the check out line and you decided to fill your britches with a loud long fart and this woman infront of us turned around and gave me a dirty look and I said it wasn't me it was the baby and pointed to you and she rolled her eyes as if saying yeah sure blame it on the baby yeah right...lol me and Aunt Lisa laughed so hard over that one....
Katelyn you used to get so excited when I came into the room you would do this full body shake that won't EVER leave my mind and memories...your face would nearly turn red cause you were so excited. I didn't get to spend but 8 months with you before you were taken from my loving arms...but I did love you very dearly, I just had a lot on my plate and its no excuse for my off the wall behavior that made people concerned about you both. I don't blame them for being concerned but taking you away from me was far from what I needed. I needed someone to guide me in how to handle you two...not rip you away from me.
I really wish I could do it all over again with the knowledge I have today, I would have done so many things different...if it meant I could keep you two with me. But I can't turn back time and undo the things I did and said that was taken out of context.
I don't know if you remember the eeyore watch I wore that played "I'm Singing In the Rain" or not but I got a battery put into it and am wearing it in memory of you two. You both loved to push the button and I would sing "I'm Singing in the rain just singing in the rain what a glorious feeling I'm happy again Im singing again Im dancing again Im singing in the rain" and at the end of our visits I would do tickle time with you and tickle you two for a good while...then I would sing "You are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skys are grey you'll never know dear how much I love you please don't take my sunshine away" But the Judge took my sunshine away from me, and I have came a long way in my grief and your sister Josephine Kay has taught me a lot about loss, and how life does go on and I should be happy no matter what happens in my life. It makes me stronger with each experience. I am so strong from all I have been through, and I hope and Pray everyday and thinking of you every waking hour...I wish I could hold you again, but know there is reasons I don't understand why we are apart...I pray you both are happy with your new family. I hope the case workers are right about you both as well as your foster mom Jan...that you look at my pictures and say "Mommy Beky" Which I don't like the name Beky but I sure let you guys call me that cause you are my baby girls. You two are the ONLY people I allow to call me Beky ;)
I love you both so very much and think of you often and miss you more and more each day. I hope when you find this blog you realize how much I do love you and miss you and know that my broken record of posts that say this over and over are truely meant and I can't seem to say it enough.
I will look forward in seeing you someday soon and being able to hold you in my loving arms again.
Your brothers are getting better with their behaviors though Jack is starting to pick up on Dylan's previous behaviors, I Hope he will grow out of that soon.
Your grandma Sally Frantz is still fighting her Skin cancer but its not looking very promising, her chin is numb on one side and the Doctor did a CT scan but didn't tell her anything yet about the findings, guess he don't want to ruin the holidays for her...I don't know...I hope its not bad...I really need to write to your parents and get pictures so she can see you two before she leaves this world...I love you all and I want you to know her...she took care of you while I was in the psych ward during my mental breakdown...and she did a great job...and Katelyn you loved her so much...it breaks my heart that you will lose her and not know it til you come to find me...cause she means so much to you both or she did at least when you were 8 months and 2 years old.
Anyway, I will talk to you both later, I sure do think of you often, but don't write so its hard to believe that, I am really trying hard to write more often so I can show you how much I do think of you...I just am so busy with everything going on right now with your sister Josie's death. And trying to arrange for her ashes to be placed one on the mantel and one in a grave and a few ashes spread in the hole where her tree is planted...
So I will talk to you both later,
I love you so very much and miss you teribly I can't hardly wait to see you again.
Merry Christmas Baby girls! Hope you get all that you want from Santa this year :)
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
(this is a letter I sent to family and friends to keep them updated on things just thought you may want to know about it)
I got a letter stating they changed the way donated to science bodies are taken care of and offer to have the ashes returned to the loved ones! So I get to have my baby girl back! I am so excited I had to share! I am so excited! Not sure what we are going to do, keep them for display, spread ashes, bury them, or all three who knows! I just am so excited I can't stop being happy! Of course a plaque for a grave will be costly but my family already has said they want to help do something for us so hopefully that can help pay towards a marker of some sort if its not enough I am going to make and sell purses (I crochet them) and hopefully that will raise enough money for us to pay for the marker in the end. Whether its 10 bucks a month I think they will be happy with whatever we can come up with from month to month til its paid off! :) I am so happy! I can even have a service for her if I want to and its all free and the plot of land is free and I think the bury of the ashes is free too so all we have to pay for is the marker yay! I am so happy!!!!!!
Ok thank you for listening to my good news! Have a happy as you can day!
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
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STOP E-MAIL ADDRESS HARVESTING
Protect your family and friends!
PLEASE USE "BCC" when sending to multiple addresses!
PLEASE DELETE ALL E-Mail ADDRESSES WHEN FORWARDING FROM ANOTHER LIST!!
Send your condolences through guestbook signings here for our baby girl we lost thank you: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/babyjosiekay
And here is the memorial picture slide show on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZU14IOSA6I look at the more from Rabeka Jo and watch the thank yous and baptism video. Thanks.
Well Baby girls,
I don't have good news about your baby sister. She was born Sept. 2, 2008 and died Sept. 3, 2008. She was beautiful, but her problems were too great for her to handle and live through. So you have a little baby angel watching over you both.
It actually hurts as much as it did when I lost you girls, only I am more comforted with losing her cause I know where she is and who she is with, God and Jesus up in Heaven (her second of slumber is already over). With you girls, I don't know where you are and who you are with and if you are taken good care of and the endless questions that won't be answered until we meet again whenever your family you have decides your old enough to come find me. Which I will be here waiting with open arms! I can't wait to see you girls again!
I miss you both so much and I can't stop saying that over and over and over and over again with each post. I love you both so much too and again I can't stop saying that over and over and over again...cause I do and can't wait to tell this to your faces again.
I used to sing "you are my sunshine" to you two. My mom sang "summertime" but didn't sing the part about your daddy being rich, cause that just wasn't going to happen cause he wouldn't keep a job. probably still can't keep one. Don't know don't see him anymore. thats your real daddy, I am speaking of the one who hurt your mommy physically and emotionally. Daniel the daddy I was dating that you met at our last few visitations, he was also a loser and I am so sorry I couldn't provide a good guy to serve as your daddy, I couldn't do it on my own. The Daddy I have now would have been the perfect guy for the job, God has his reasons why we didn't meet before I lost you girls, and we won't know that till we finally get to see His face in Heaven. But my dear children I have a big feeling it has something to do with the family you are with now, and I feel full heartedly you are where you need to be and I am where I need to be. Finally I am at peace with it all. I forgive everyone who was involved with the case that sealed us permanently apart at least til your old enough to come find me. Tore my world apart for a great while. I finally though am really ok with it.
I miss you and hope you are doing great and all that. I have my fears no doubt, but who don't?
I just hand it over to God to have him watch over you both and keep you safe and guide the hearts and hands of all who were involved in our case and in your lives that you get the family you are supposed to be with.
Talk to you soon sweeties I am going to have to get off here.
I love you so very much and miss you tremendously.
Sincerely,
your loving birthmommy,
Rabeka Jo F D (dob 5/1980)
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