Well Baby girls, I don't have good news about your baby sister. She was born Sept. 2, 2008 and died Sept. 3, 2008. She was beautiful, but her problems were too great for her to handle and live through. So you have a little baby angel watching over you both. It actually hurts as much as it did when I lost you girls, only I am more comforted with losing her cause I know where she is and who she is with, God and Jesus up in Heaven (her second of slumber is already over). With you girls, I don't know where you are and who you are with and if you are taken good care of and the endless questions that won't be answered until we meet again whenever your family you have decides your old enough to come find me. Which I will be here waiting with open arms! I can't wait to see you girls again! I miss you both so much and I can't stop saying that over and over and over and over again with each post. I love you both so much too and again I can't stop saying that over and over and over again...cause I do and can't wait to tell this to your faces again. I used to sing "you are my sunshine" to you two. My mom sang "summertime" but didn't sing the part about your daddy being rich, cause that just wasn't going to happen cause he wouldn't keep a job. probably still can't keep one. Don't know don't see him anymore. thats your real daddy, I am speaking of the one who hurt your mommy physically and emotionally. Daniel the daddy I was dating that you met at our last few visitations, he was also a loser and I am so sorry I couldn't provide a good guy to serve as your daddy, I couldn't do it on my own. The Daddy I have now would have been the perfect guy for the job, God has his reasons why we didn't meet before I lost you girls, and we won't know that till we finally get to see His face in Heaven. But my dear children I have a big feeling it has something to do with the family you are with now, and I feel full heartedly you are where you need to be and I am where I need to be. Finally I am at peace with it all. I forgive everyone who was involved with the case that sealed us permanently apart at least til your old enough to come find me. Tore my world apart for a great while. I finally though am really ok with it. I miss you and hope you are doing great and all that. I have my fears no doubt, but who don't? I just hand it over to God to have him watch over you both and keep you safe and guide the hearts and hands of all who were involved in our case and in your lives that you get the family you are supposed to be with. Talk to you soon sweeties I am going to have to get off here. I love you so very much and miss you tremendously. Sincerely, your loving birthmommy, Rabeka Jo F D (dob 5/1980)

Katelyn Marie, Happy 8th Birthday sweety! I love you and miss you so deeply. I hope you had a wonderful birthday and got all the presents you wanted this year. Your baby sister will be here next month sometime, she has problems though so she may not make it, but if she don't make it you will have one more angel looking over you and your sister. I love you sweety and miss you so much...I wish I could hug you and hold you just once a year and hold you for a long time. I am to get the form filled out again and get it noterized and sent to your adoptive parents so I can open communication again to write and request pictures of you girls so I can see you and see how big you are now and so that way your maternal grandmother can see you before she dies. Her cancer has spread, and the Chemo isn't doing much for it but we are hopeful it will start working soon. I will talk to you later sweety, I miss you and your sister dearly, please let Rowsheall know. Sincerely, Rabeka Jo F D your Birthmother (Dob 5/1980)

Dear Rowsheall Kailyn, Today I got to sing happy birthday to someone, my friends son's birthday was yesterday but we had a birthday party today. I miss you so much and wish I could see you today, or anyday for that matter. Every birthday you and your sister have, and every holiday that I really miss you guys on, I get your home video's out and watch them, I finally got them on DVD and plan to send them to your parents soon with a request for pictures. I have some news, I am pregnant again, due Sept. 12th, 2008. We are hoping its a girl this time so I can have one girl at home with me. I hope it helps with the loss of you two. I hope you had a great birthday and got everything you were hoping to get, and were surrounded by your loving family on your special day. I thought about and prayed for you and your sister all day today as I do everyday, even though I don't post I am thinking about you on here everyday, does not mean I don't cause I do, I don't think there is a passing moment without you two on my mind and heart. So I wanted to wish you a happy birthday and tell you my good news, and tell you I love you and miss you sooooooooo very much and my heart aches with your absence, I thought with each passing year it would become easier but its just not that way. I still cry throughout the day on and off, I still want to hold you one more time in my loving arms, and I want you both to be here with me full time. But you are where you are for reasons unknown to me, and you. But someday God will tell us our purpose for being apart for so long and we will fully understand His true plan for us. I love you and miss you very much and hope to see you sometime soon. Sincerely, your loving birthmother, Rabeka Jo D (F)

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn, I realized something today (cause a friend pointed it out to me) The courts wern't trying to keep you from me it was your dad and since I couldn't protect myself and you from him they had to make me look like a poor excuse for a human being so they could take you from me and HIM but mostly it was only about HIM he was and is a bad guy. He hurt mommy when I was pregnant with you Katelyn and he did some mean things to me Rowsheall before you were in my tummy and while you were in my tummy and after you were born. I put up with it as long as I could to keep you with your Daddy cause you loved him so much but it wasn't worth it. I really hope you understand that there is more to the story than meets the eye. I wasn't able to handle everything happening at the time and I was young and didn't have a clue as to what I was doing. God has his reasons for everything to be the way it is right now and I am finally seeing a little bit deeper reason as to why it all happened the way it did. It wasn't me it was your Dad and that gives me comfort cause that means I am not that bad of a person and I can do the things they didn't think I could and I am starting to turn my life really far around I was turned a bit but now I am really going full force ahead and getting my life in order and working on organizing my heart, mind, body, and house and soon I will be in a great state of mind and I can handle anything (at least I can hope). Ok I just had to share with you my findings today and thoughts for the day. I love you both so very much! I will talk to you later I promise thats my new years resolution is to write to you both more often. Sincerely, Rabeka Jo D (F) DOB 5-80 your loving birthmother

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn, Happy New Year and Merry Christmas babies...I miss you soooooo much, you probably will get tired of reading this over and over about how much I miss you but I really do...not a moment goes by that I don't think about you both....so many memories surround me in this house...in my head...and in my heart. I hope you got all that you wanted this year from Santa. I hope you think of me as I think of you. I really am going to write to your adoptive parents very soon cause I can't not get pictures of you girls before your grandmother dies. She so wants to see you before she leaves this world. It breaks my heart that I havent done it sooner...I promise the plain message will be in the mail very soon because I want you to be seen and enjoyed by your grandmother I think it would make her day and make her pass more easily. Her melanoma stage 3 has moved into her lungs at this point she is doing chemo and we don't know how well its taking yet but we should know by next week if the chemo is helping enough to convience the doctor that surgery to remove the lymph nodes under her arm is worth it or not. So please be praying for your Grandma Sally she loves you and misses you both as much as I do and thinks about you just as I do. We can't wait to see you again! I love you hope you got to bang pots and pans and put a puzzle together on new years eve and morning. That was our family tradition. We had a good one your brother Jack got scared though when we banged pots and pans he cried. Dylan was so thrilled staying up so late, and Daddy Johnny had fun too. I miss you love you so very much. I will talk to you both later. Sincerely, Rabeka Jo D (F) DOB 5-80 your birth mother

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn, Merry Christmas babies! well in 14 days at least...I miss you girls so much during the holidays it hurts something deep....I hope to see you some day soon...either in pictures or in person which ever the Lord allows. I can't wait to hold you in my arms again. You both must be getting so big! I can't even imagine what you look like or act like being 8 and 7 now...wow thats big.... I hope you get all that you want for Christmas and you get to see Santa and everything. I hope God lets you know I am thinking of you and missing you so much cause I do and I hope you don't forget me. I love you girls so much I will talk to you later though. Sincerely, Rabeka Jo D. (F.) 05-1980 your birthmother

Katelyn, I tried to post like I had promised but could not access the blogger account until now. Sorry honey I did think about you all day long and dreamed about how big you are getting and what all presents you got that day...I miss you and love you very much and cannot wait to see you again some day soon. Sincerely, Rabeka Jo D (Your birthmother d.o.b. 5-80)

Dear Rowsheall & Katelyn, It has been a while since I wrote. Katelyn's birthday is creeping up on me again. Well here is the scoop on your grandmother Sally. She has recurrent breast cancer stage 2b and her Skin cancer is stage 3 she is currently doing radiation and will be getting back on interferon after she completes her radiation therapy. But she is only going to go with these treatments until she loses Quality of life then she is going to stop and gain it back. She wants quality of life not quantity. She wants to see you girls and hold you girls, but she can't. I am not sure if she is going to make it out of this one but I am praying and handing it over to God so he can take care of it as he sees fit. I hope you get to meet her someday and see her and love on her...she really misses you both and loves you both, just as much as I do. I miss you guys so much! I have been doing better with my depression, but my stress is sky rocketed due to the circumstances with your grandma. I have now TMJ really bad and had to have jaw surgery where they flushed the joint out and got the inflammation out of the joint. My face has been suffering with pain, and a form of bells palsy, cause a nerve was pinched with the inflammation of the joint, which is better on the bells palsy, but the pain is still there if not more so. I have motivation though now and been getting a lot done with the house work today and here lately. I plan to do more and more each day and get a routine down pat and then work on things I wanna do....I can't wait to see you girls again I wanna hold you in my arms and never let go...I love you both so much and miss you so much! I need to go now but I will try seems every time I try to keep up something comes up and gets me busy again and prevents me from writing on here. I assure you though. I think about you every waking hour of each passing day and pray for you both and your new family too. I think I am nearing capability of writing a letter to your parents and requesting pictures of you girls along with anything else that they think is of interest to me and see what happens...I think I am strong enough now in case they deny my request it wont crush me to no end. So hopefully I will get to see you grow up to now through pictures they send me. I miss you love you. See ya soon! Sincerely, Your birth mother Rabeka Jo D (Dob 5/80) PS. if I don't get to post on the 15Th here: Happy Birthday Katelyn!!! Wow you are 7 years old! you must be getting so big and doing so many things that I wish I could be witnessing. I miss you and love you very much! I will talk to you later. much love

Happy 8TH Birthday Rowsheall!!! I miss you so much! I love you very much! I think about you all the time! I know it don't show on this blog but I really truthfully do. I watched the video of you on your 3RD Birthday party. I got you a bike, remember? And that Robot Dog remember that? And the Doctors kit remember how I wrapped all the pieces into separate wrappings to make it seem like you had more presents than not? I thought at the time the more presents I got you the more you would know I loved you. But in reality when you were opening all those, it was rather overwhelming and I am sorry for that, I just wanted you to feel like you had tons of presents from your mommy who loves you so very much. I really miss you, I can't picture you 8 years old now! Wow you must be getting so big! I hope you had a good birthday today and got all the presents you were wanting. I will be writing to your new mommy and daddy soon so I can at least see pictures of you and your sister Katelyn. If not more, I would love more, but I feel your parents won't think I deserve anything more than pictures. So once I write it will open the door to communication and they can find out that I do deserve more and will allow me to receive more. Maybe even be able to communicate with you when you decide you want to start writing me. I keep seeing girls your age, and think to myself no there is no way you could be that big and that mature! You are still Three years old in my mind, but you have to be that big and mature cause you can't stay 3 forever. I hope you are doing well in school and being nice to your sister and nice family I know God Blessed you with. I hope they are as good as I wish I could have been if I would have won the court hearings, and got the chance to prove that I would be fine if you just came home to me. But that didn't happen and I am sorry that I couldn't fight harder, I really shouldn't say that cause I tried as hard as I possibly could physically try. I hope you do understand when the day comes to share this blog with you. I have some bad news for you not meaning to ruin your birthday, but you should know. Your grandmother Sally F has been diagnosed with Skin cancer stage 3 and also she has Breast cancer again in the same side she had removed. I am not sure if she will be around by the time you do come home to be with me, but I will do my best to keep her strong and fight to see you again. She misses you both so very much! Life has been so very hard here lately and I have had hardly anytime to do much with this blog, and I am so sorry. I will write all the blog entries in your journal I am writing for you and your sister. All that are on here, and all that are on other blogs I am more active on, so you know that I did at least think of you that day cause I noted it in my blog entry. I love you so very much and I hope Grandma is around when you come home finally. I cannot promise anything though, it is in God's hands after all. And we are living in His time not ours. Your brothers are ornery as ever, but getting better. I still have yet to request help from super nanny, so maybe you will see me on that show someday. I just am waiting till I seriously cannot handle it anymore. I do need help, but its hard to get it when everyone is so busy around me. Anyway I hope you had a wonderful Birthday! I miss you! I love you! I can't wait to see you again! Sincerely, Your loving Birth Mother, Rabeka Jo D (dob 5-1980)

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn, I am trying to write to your adoptive parents, the words are hard to come by though. I don't know how to ask them for pictures of you girls without sounding heartless or too informative. I don't want to overwhelm them with my first letter, but I want them to know that I deserve pictures of you girls. I am getting my counselors help with it. So hopefully soon I will write to them and at least get to see your smiling faces again. I love you and miss you both very much. I think about you both every waking hour. I Love you very much. Even though I have two new baby boys, they do not replace you. There is a huge hole in my heart where you two belong. I can't wait to be able to hold you in my arms again. Talk to you soon. I plan to write more often. Just havn't found the time sorry. I do think of you often just because I don't post on here it doesn't mean I don't think about you nor love you...I do more than you will ever know. Sincerely, Your Loving Birth mom Rabeka Jo (f) D 5-1980

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn, I miss you all so very much and I cant seem to say that enough. Im still trying hard to write the letter to your parents, but still cant seem to find the right words...I really want to write them but I just cant keep it short and simple and sound professional cause that isnt me at all. So Ive been trying to put my heart out on a limb and get my heart into the letters and so far Ive gotten a long one just gotta downsize it a bit so I can send it and not overwhelm them too much with my jabbering letter. Anyways I miss you so much I got some angel cherubs and painted them to look like you two...blond with brown eyes and brown hair with blue eyes....they are beautiful I think just as you...and I plan on talking with these angels when I miss you. It helps believe it or not...its kind of like a tomb stone for a mourning survivor. Anyways I love you guys so much. Sincerely, Your loving biological mother, Rabeka Jo (f) D 5-1980

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn, Your new brother Jack Elliott was born Sept. 2005 and was 8lbs 1.5oz and 21 inches long. Your other brother Dylan Jacob doesnt know what to think just like you Rowsheall when I had you Katelyn. I find myself in familiar ground but this time Im trying hard not to relive history and loose these two new additions to my family as I lost you two cause I failed to be strong and fight harder than I could physically stand. I stressed hard when I was fighting for you girls and I fought as hard as I could. Im sorry I couldnt get over everything I had faced all at once within the 15 months that I was allowed to get my life together. I was battling new things while trying to over come the past and it was a very emotional and physically draining time in my life when you two were taken from me. I am so sorry I didnt win. I wish I could go back and change quite a few things. Of course thats why they say that knowing what the out come would be is 20/20...and there aint nothing I can do about it. Im trying hard to write a letter to your adoptive parents right now but I cant get the words right, Im trying not to seem too overwhelming and Im requesting pictures of you girls cause I got the ok from topeka. But like I said finding the right words is hard for me. I want to tell them everything that happened but dont want to overwhelm them with the truth. Truth hurts and I dont want them to feel like they have stolen goods, as you two in my heart I feel are. I really want to get your pictures so I can make scrap books and keep up on everything that has happened and does happen in your lives so I can feel apart of it even only from a distance. I miss you two so very much and wish I could hold you in my arms each waking moment of my life here without you. I hope you can feel the extra squeezes I give your brothers cause those are for you two. I miss you two so very much. Since I started to write this and saved it in drafts I just now am finishing it after your youngest brothers first birthday. Sorry it took me so long to finish it but life got busy...very busy...with Dylan and Jack constantly needing my attention...and me facing so much of the same things as I did with you...I am now more educated than I was back in the day when you were with me. Thats all I needed back then and I got you guys taken from me...no guidance...just up and taken from me. Oh well you probably have a better life than I could have ever given you. I love you girls so much and wish you were with me but in my heart I hope and pray you are in a better place than you would be with me. Everything happens for a reason even though we cant see it in the moment there is always an ending to it all and looking back it will make sense why we had to be apart so long. I love you and think of you often and will continue to think about you and pray for you and love you each and every waking hour of my life. Sincerely, Your loving birth mother, Rabeka Jo D

Rowsheall in the ball pit on her 3rd birthday party

Rowsheall my little head banger

Rowsheall at the baby shower

Rowsheall four months old

Grandma Sally and mommy and Katelyn and Rowsheall on Christmas 

Rowsheall and Katelyn and mommy on Christmas with their leap frog toys she got them

Rowsheall and Katelyn and mommy on Christmas with their leap frog toys she got them 

Rowsheall on her 3rd birthday saying I love you in sign language