Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn, I pray each and everyday that your family you have now will listen to their hearts and come and find me before you are 18 maybe next year or something so I can at least watch you grow up through pictures that's the least I would ever want if I could have anything in the world of course the most is to have you back for always would be my ultimate wish but I know that is out of the question. I miss you two so much! I'm sure you two are getting so big. I saw a 5 year old the other day and I cant even imagine you Rowsheall being that age and I was watching our videos of birthday parties and I can't imagine you Katelyn being Rowsheall's age in these videos and pictures. I wish I could see you both it breaks my heart that I can't but the foster mom does sometimes. This part is for your parents you have now: I know you are good Christian people and I am thankful for that, at least my girls are in God's hands more so with you two by their sides. I know you couldn't have your own kids probably and it broke your heart but my story isn't quite the fairy tale you think being a birth parent is. If something goes wrong in your life and you don't know where to turn and you have two children 17 months apart and the world as you know it is crumbling fast around you, that you feel there is no where to turn. After almost loosing your mother to breast cancer, the man you thought you loved and he loved you hit you after years of verbally bashing you so you left him, your grandmother who was like a second mother to you died, and your mother was drinking and suicidal saying things like "I'm worth more dead than alive" you were taking your younger sister to school and after school activities while having two children in toe, you are caring for your grandmother cause your mother is too drunk to do anything, you hardly have time to take care of yourself then your grandmother dies, that takes the cookie. You think the only way you can get your mother to quit drinking is to let her care for your children and let her drop one of them since that is what took her to quit the time before: she dropped your infant sister on a wood floor while she was drunk and never drank again. So you decide that maybe the way to go about doing this is to admit yourself into a local hospital to force your mother to care for your two children, only to find yourself on 7 different medications within two weeks and then released. You find that your case manager you have is an old friend from a church you used to attend and she takes you off a medication that they have to monitor with blood work other wise you could be in trouble, which suddenly you find yourself going more nuts than before so you re-check yourself back into the hospital. While all this is happening your mother is having trouble paying a babysitter to care for your two children while she works so the case manager and old friend suggests a friend from the church to watch the children for free and everything will be provided as in diapers wipes food and whatever else the children or your mother needs. God sent program called "the Guardian angel program" Prayers are answered help is there. Then when you get off all these medications you find yourself in a wired state of mind so you go to a friends house because you are out of cigarettes and you sit down to sift through their ashtray and find what you think is a filter-less cigarette but after lighting it you quickly realize its a roach from a previously used joint. YIKES that wasn't your intention. So you tell your friend and new found friend of your experience and then your boyfriend dumps you for another girl, then you find a new boyfriend and he moves into your apartment above your mother's garage and you find out he smokes some type of red powder you have no idea what it is so you leave because you don't want nothing to do with anything like drugs. Again you tell your trusted friends of the activities you witnessed thinking they may know what it was. Then you run into your ex abusers friend who blames you for not letting the abuser see his children so you agree to arrange a visitation in a public place so the children would be safe and you would be safe and call the babysitter. She claims the children are taking a nap right then but she would call you when they woke up. So everything is fine. You wait and wait and finally get a call but its your mother saying that the babysitter was all upset what did you say or do to make her that upset? All you did was ask if you could pick up YOUR children but if its that big of a problem tell her to forget you even asked. So NOW its over. You get another call its your trusted case manager and friend saying the same thing you tell her the same thing you told your mother and NOW its over. So you go out to eat with your ex abuser to talk about the children's home and why they haven't set up visitation yet. You are thinking everything is fine and perfectly normal. You get a third call and its a sheriff officer claiming your children have been placed in police protective custody. What?! What did the baby sitter do to your children?! OH MY GOD are they alright?! You will be notified of details in a few days through the mail they cant release any information at this time. What? Can't release information about your OWN CHILDREN?! Something is fishy here. You get the paper in the mail and the baby sitter is claiming you are on meth and marijuana?! What is METH? You wouldn't even know what to do with it if you got it. OK this is a cake walk you haven't smoked since that one day you accidentally took one drag off a filter less cigarette and surely its out of your system since it wasn't that much you didn't even hold it like you normally would have. So you go into the court house head held high assured you are going to walk out of there and go get your children then the court appointed attorney tells you that you shouldn't go in there they will rip you a new butt hole and parade their witnesses in front of the Judge and will win your children right then and there so you should sign this waver agreement which means that you are not prepared to go into court and would like to work with the court to get your children back and have a second chance to make things right. You walk away thinking this will be easy. They give you some court orders to complete first one on the list is a drug and alcohol evaluation ok easy enough you go down to a local drug and alcohol re-hab place not far from home walk in and ask about a drug and alcohol evaluation and they quickly get you in. They ask you a bunch of questions and say that you have no problems with drugs nor alcohol and you want documentation stating this. They can't release that sort of information to patients?! What?! OK well send it to your attorney here is his card. They said they would. So that is taken care of. Next on the list is Parenting classes ok call the children's home because that is where the Youthville people suggested you to go. You think that they would know what class you need to care for two children in such close ages so you go there. It don't seem like it would work with so young of children but you have to finish a parenting class soon so you can get other court orders taken care of. You find out it cost $150 for the class for you to get your certificate and you also enrolled in an anger management class because that was another court order and that is going to be $120 but you lost your job because they got tired of working around your schedule with court and court orders and classes that you needed to get your children back. OK easy enough, it cant be that hard to find a job can it? YES IT CAN you place an application in every help wanted sign that you see and call them daily but they already filled that position or they no longer need someone in that position so you are getting dead ends right after left. So you figure you could find a boyfriend who would want your children and support you and pay for all your court orders since you cannot find a job. You find yourself a man who falls in love with you and your children through pictures and he wants to help you get your children back but after your court hearing he realizes something that you don't. And that is you can't win but he fails to mention this to you. Your emotional roller coaster you are being taken through with the case workers saying you have everything in order and have everything is perfect for you to get your children back then go into court and say the opposite to the judge you figure that the newly found friends are back stabbers liars and over exagerators who take things way out of context to suit their needs and that is to win your children. But you continue to follow all their recommendations and get on medication that you don't really need cause your starting to get your mind together after a few months of being off medications all together. So now you have no boyfriend or financial support so you start looking again for a job you move into a friends house because they stated in court that you are co-dependent because you live with your mother. You can't find a job no where Sept. 11th hit and there was little to no jobs in your area. Then your car breaks down, the motor freezes you forgot to put oil in it you dummy. You end up having to pay some idiot to tell you that your car is broke completely and there is no way to get out of it so now you are s.o.l. with transportation. You meet a guy who seems to really like you and its a friend of this friend you were living with at the time. He wants to help you get your kids back then you find out he is married and he moves in and everything is cool. You quit worrying cause he is leaving his wife to be with you and to help you get your kids back. Then he ends up leaving you and going back to his wife after you find out he is a coke addict. Then you meet this new guy and he acts like your knight and shining armor. Since you cant work you need someone to support you financially and he seems like he wants to get your girls back. Even during visitations with your kids he tells them He loves them too. Then three weeks before you go to court to be either terminated or to win totally your kids back, he quits his job and plays games on the super Nintendo and claims he has plenty of time to find a new job. Then he don't get one and court comes and you loose your girls. Collapse outside the court room doors after looking to the sky and saying "Forgive them father for they know not what they do". You hyper ventilate from crying so hard outside those court room doors. You go to a local bar you know your boyfriend is at cause he knew what was going to happen that day cause he didn't get a job. He says he didn't want to raise "Bruce's kids anyway" and he wanted your undivided attention and not have to share your attention with two kids. You break off the relationship but he has to participate in the last visitation and you go and try to be as strong as you can cause this will be the last time you see your kids. You start to cry and the supervisor claims she is going to have to end the visit if you continue to show emotions like these. So you look all happy that your never going to see your kids again even though you hurt so bad and want to just take them home that very moment but cant. You tried your hardest and it wasn't good enough. You didn't deserve this but some how you believe maybe you didn't deserve to have kids. After the visitation your oldest throws a fit she wants to go home with you but you tell her your sorry she cant a man said that she had to go live with a new family, and there was nothing you could do or say to change his mind. You leave and you make your boyfriend leave the house and every waking hour from that day on you go down to a local bar and get drunk and stumble your way home cause you deserve to be miserable for the rest of your life cause you sure don't deserve to have kids and that was your only goal in life that was to have kids. So what's your purpose now? Who cares what happens to you now? You pray that one of the men up at the bar takes you somewhere out in the country and kills you. You pray you get hit by a car on the way home stumbling from curb to curb. Then you end up in a treatment facility and get out a month later and then relapse and end up back in treatment for two days get out and you are about to go out to the bar and your mom talks you into sticking around to meet the guy who is going to place a bid on the house that is for sale. You argue with your mom and then he arrives. Your eyes meet. You both cant keep your eyes off each other. You say "So, you buying this house for your wife and kids I suppose" and he says "actually I'm single and looking" and you say "Wow what a coo-wink-a-dink I am too" and he says "really? Would you like to go to dinner?" you say "Sure" and off you two go to dinner. He ends up buying your mothers house and you two end up going to a bar on your second date and you get drunk and he does too and you get in a wreck but don't get hurt and almost get away but the cops find you and send him to jail and you get to walk home a long distance in the rain (Feb. Cold) You get home and tell your mom that he would have to buy you 12 dozen roses and a big teddy bear for you to forgive him. The next morning you find a bouquet of 1/2 dozen roses with yellow flowers and baby's breath with a card that has a teddy bear on it, and decide its close enough and forgive him instantly. From that day forward you and him stopped drinking and were never apart except when he was at work of course. You get married 5 months later on 7/03 and then have a son 11/03 and are happy but still miss your two girls who you have a chance to get pictures of them. But you fear rejection so you don't write and don't write. You don't handle rejection about little things very well from strangers and this being personal and having to do with your kids you just don't know how you would react if you were rejected your request of receiving pictures of your girls. So you go to professionals for help to build courage or confidence or something that will help you do it so you can say at least you tried to contact the adoptive parents to be apart of the girl's lives while they were apart from you. Plus how do you ask a stranger for pictures of your own children without sounding like your ungrateful or rude or something that will definitely get you rejected. Now you are due to have another baby boy Sept. 2005 you were hoping for a girl so at least you could do her hair up and dress her up in dresses and stuff. But you got a sonogram it says boy. So maybe God didn't want you to have girls maybe he wanted you to have boys and the girls were meant for the family they are with now. You become at peace with it by looking at it this way. You reach out to the community for help with your son and son to be so you don't make the same mistake as you did with your girls. Your girls were 17 months apart and you were young but now you are older and the space between these two boys will be 22 months apart and that should make a big difference you hear. So you hope it will be fine. Just in case you have the resources available to you to not end up going crazy like you thought you were going crazy with the girls when it was the oldest that needed the help not you, come find out her behavior issues could have been helped, and it wasn't your fault that she was acting out towards her sister. There you have it from then to Now. I hope it lets you know I been through a lot and am here loving those girls waiting for them to come home to me. Just because I moved on with my life doesn't mean I don't care. I have to have kids of my own cause I was born to have kids. I love kids too much to not have any of my own. Plus with out them I tend to get in more trouble than when I don't have them. They give me a reason to get up every morning. If I didn't have Dylan my son right now I probably would sleep all day long and do nothing at all. This way I get up every day and even clean house and do things I never did before. I found a site called www.flylady.net and it has helped me with getting my house organized and de-cluttered. I'm doing really good now just can't find that courage to write to you guys requesting pictures of my girls. I really wish I could cause I would love to see what they look like at age 6 and 4. I cant picture them older than 3 and 2 that was the last time I saw them. I placed the videos on DVD I plan to put them up on the computer and editing them and cutting out the obnoxious supervisor of the visits so I can enjoy them better, plus I want to pause some of the frames and save jpegs so I can have pictures I didn't have before. Anyway I am going to be getting into scrap booking and I'm planning on making a book of the pictures I already have of the girls, and hopefully I will get the courage to write to you two requesting pictures of the girls from the time they came to you until the date I finally write. I hope I will get this courage I lack soon. I really would like to see what my girls look like just because I want to know what they look like for therapeutic reasons not because I want to track them down. I hope you don't think that. I am at peace with the idea that they have you and will eventually come back to me. I wouldn't want to take them from you that would make it hard on the girls. All I would want is updates and pictures at the most. I wouldn't mind being pen pals with them when they are older, but that's totally up to you two on how involved you want me to be in the girl's lives. Thank you so much for taking such good care of them while I cant. Sincerely, Rabeka Jo (F)D Ps. Girls I love you so very much and just because I don't write on here don't mean I don't write in a journal I have for you girls here at my place for when you do come home to me. I love you two and miss you so much and can't wait to see you again. I will talk to you later.

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn, I know your name Rowsheall is changed now...I know that you two are with a loving family...I know that you are happy...I know you two are in good hands because God is in control...But everything that I stated above was told to me by the social worker who lied to me through out the termination process...So its hard for me to believe that...As far as that goes I am assuming you would be just as happy if not happier with me...And they can take their lies and shove them where the sun don't shine...I'm SO sorry that I didn't work harder even though it was my hardest and fastest I could physically do in my state of mind...They took my world and ripped it apart when they took you girls from me....It was hard most days to even get up out of bed but I did for you two...Because I was told I would get you two home with me in the end...Which was the biggest lie they told me...I Love you guys and just because I don't post a lot doesn't mean I don't think about you...I do every waking hour of the day...I don't want to wake up in the morning because I'm having a dream about you guys and holding you again...That's the only place where I can see you guys...It breaks my heart that it has to be this way...I am looking into finding a way to get you two home to me...Everything so far has been dead ends...But I wont give up...Like probably your new parents will tell you I gave you up or didn't try hard enough or what ever it is they fill your heads up with...I am trying and I did try my hardest...I'm sorry I didn't succeed...Their standards were too high and outrageous for me to comply obviously...I wish at least the new parents you have would at least send pictures or something to let me watch you two grow up...That's all I would ask if I couldn't get you back home with me...Or if you were truly happy where you are...Even still I don't know if I could walk away from you even if you were happy...I believe full heartedly you would be just as happy if not happier with me and your new Daddy Johnny and your brother Dylan...I pray everyday you come home to me sooner than later...And let God's will be done...I will understand if its God's will for you to be away from me...Maybe the family you have now can give you the things I always wanted to...Of course now I can give you these things and much more...And plus...I know they couldn't give you what I have...Which is my love I have for you two girls...I love you two so very much...And miss you each and everyday...I cant wait to see you again... I will talk to you two later, I think I should go to bed while your Brother is still asleep. I love you Rowsheall and I love you Katelyn Sincerely, Your loving birth mother Rabeka Jo (F) D ps.Mother's day was hard for me but I got through it. I thought about you two and cried alot all that day...wanting to hold you and hear the words "I love you momma" but of course you werent here and your brother cant speak yet...but hey maybe someday I will hear those words every day of my life for the rest of my life...anyway I thought you two should know I thought of you on that day...I love you talk to you later.

Dear Girls, I have been so busy lately I said I was going to post everyday I can't so here I am posting. I just had my Gal bladder out last week so I'm still recovering from that. I think about you both each day and its hard most days to face a day without you two here beside me. I miss holding you two and reading to you or telling you two the story I made up especially for you two. I pray each day for you two, I pray you two are happy and are well taken care of. There is no way I can be for sure. I can just trust the liars who lied to me about the case that you are happy and doing well in preschool and what not. I cant wait till you two come home. I have so much love waiting here for you. I love you both so very much!!! I am going to end this because I need to go lay down cause my wounds from my surgery are hurting and I need to rest. I will post as soon as I am able. I Love you Rowsheall Kailyn (03-1999)and Katelyn Marie (08-2000) I love you too!!!. Sincerely, Your loving mother sitting here waiting for you to turn 18 and come and find me.... Rabeka Jo (F) D PS. Rowsheall I didn't forget your Birthday I just wasn't able to get online I wanted to wish you a happy birthday even though its late...I did think of you and wish you a happy birthday I love you so much and I said a prayer for you on your special day...I hope it was happy...I cant believe you are 5 years old now!!! You are probably getting SO big...And making your adoptive parents so proud! I love you...And what ever you are doing I am proud of you....But if you are doing bad!!! I will still love you but you know better!...I cant wait to see you! Hurry up and get here...Love you talk to you later Bye bye I love you Katelyn!!! I love you Rowsheall!!! I cant seem to say it enough!

My side of the nightmare story...the way i remember it anyway

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn, 

I have had many days like today, where I fight back tears because I think about you and think about the "what if's" and "should of's" and "could of's" but I know I did my best and worked my hardest and it wasn't good enough for the courts so it wasn't good enough for you girls...I'm sooo sorry I let you down...I miss you two sooooo much...I'm crying as I type this...I cant say it enough I love you I miss you sooo much...It hurts...I have so many questions about where you are what you are doing who you are with how they are treating you and the list goes on and on and on...And there isn't anything I can do to find out anything nor can I trust the social workers to tell me the truth...They lied to me through out the process of terminating my rights...My back is sore from them stabbing it so many times...I wish there was a way I could know for sure that you two were actually happy and if I could at least watch you grow up through pictures that would be better than sitting here wondering endless questions and not having any idea...I worry about accidents happening to you two and I loose you without even knowing it...I heard that I wouldn't be notified nor after your what would have been 18 year birthday they wouldn't contact me...I would have to conduct a search of my own and when I didn't find anything I would have to search through death certificates and find you that way...Even if you had died years and years before...Or pretty much right after the last visit we shared...That is something I am having problems accepting...I know I shouldn't worry so much about you guys but I have to you are MY DAUGHTERS...I LOVE YOU SO MUCH YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!! I MISS YOU BOTH SOOOO MUCH!!! There is no way I can find you nor do anything to get you back...Even though this is only a year after they terminated my rights...And my life it together now...That's what I don't understand about the system...You are knocked down by life and having a hard time financially...Then...The state steps in takes the one thing that you have that's consider yours the moment you give birth...Suddenly your schedule is changed your routine is interrupted and you cant see the children whom were apart of your life every waking hour until after a Judge who does not have the slightest idea of who you are or what you are about...Then you get into court and these people who were supposable your friends...Twist your words to suit their needs and make you sound bad...And then you have to wait to see your own children till a case manager from a bankrupt agency is assigned to the case and can set up a visitation with you and your children...When you finally get to see your children...The youngest does not recognize you at all...You have to literally rip her from the foster mothers arms...Who is a stranger to you but yet your own flesh and blood is calling her Momma????? Then you have to battle a crying screaming child through the whole hour visit while they cry for their momma who you have no idea who she is what her name is where she is from what she is like with your children...THE PAIN IS SOOOO HARD TO HANDLE...They expect you to keep your job...Even though suddenly the employer has to work around your schedule and you cant work when you used to so eventually you get fired....Then you try to find a new job and no one will hire you because you have such a crazy schedule where Mondays you have anger management classes at 7 pm then on Tuesday nights at 7 you have parenting classes that help parents with older children than your children but its court ordered so you have no choice in going or not...And the case manager wont help you find a age appropriate parenting class they give you numbers to agencies and you call them and they are out of order so you are sent on a dead end road....Then you go ahead and do the parenting class that doesn't suit your children's age problems...And get anger management done and domestic violence class and protective parenting class and eventually you save up enough money to pay for them to get the certificates then you find out you need to take the first class of the parenting class because you evidently missed it...Yet you know you went...But they said you didn't so you have to wait a month to come around so you can go to the first class...Then you finally get your certificate and the case manager takes it saying she will make a copy and give it back to you at your next visit...Then at your next visit she claims she missed placed it...So you have to go back to the children home to get another certificate and this one is a copy...You go to court with an idiot court appointed attorney who just nods at all the evidence you have and claims it wouldn't help the case at all...Yet you would feel better knowing the judge about these things that you want to present in court...But your lazy attorney just sits there claiming to have no questions your honor...And it happens so quick you don't know exactly what happened and your attorney afterwards claims we are doing great everything is perfect yada yada...Then you get back to court and they claim you haven't completed all your court orders...Come find out there was a court order of drug and alcohol treatment that you were told during the evaluation of drug and alcohol abuse that you had no problem and did not need to seek their services...But suddenly you had to...Wow...And a month to go till the termination hearing...Ok...This is fine and dandy...You finally have $300 saved for the psychological evaluation and you go and get it...She claims everything is fine...I did everything fine....Then we get into court and she claims you are "Faking Good" to win your children back...Well duh...Common what else would you do?...It was an impossible task to complete I hope you understand that I did my best...I worked my hardest...I did research I had evidence but the attorney wouldn't let me present nothing...If only he would have let me...And if he wouldn't have discouraged me from speaking on my behalf at the termination hearing...I didn't because he told me that we were going to win...IM SO SORRY I BELIEVED HIM...I wish I would have told him what I keep running through my mind over and over again..."I had a lot on my plate your honor when you all got involved in my life. I was having problems yes. But in the best interest of the children I placed them in the care of my mother. Then when she couldn't care for them because she became ill with the Flu and the babysitter and her decided that the girls shouldn't be around my mom that's when the baby sitter started insisting on keeping the girls over night and then taking over in my role as a mother. In example she cut Rowsheall's hair without asking...She took both girls to the doctor without telling us...She met me twice and come find out she is an ex meth addict her self...I honestly do not know what meth is your honor. Yes my U.A. that was a home test came out positive and I would have gone to get a U.A. that day but the worker who gave me it waited and distracted me and ran out the time to make sure they were closed so I wouldn't be able to get one to clear that U.A. out the water...But I did get one the next day and it was negative...And admissible in court...But the home test was not admissible in court...Please your honor I tried my hardest and worked as fast that my finances allowed me to go...I really cant see how you all expect a single mother to get a two bedroom apartment/house without a diploma who gets paid minimum wage and even gets paid below that plus tips to accomplish this...Another thing I want to point out is that the state claims that I'm living with my mother because I'm co-dependent...I want to let you know that families come in different forms and faces...Some have mothers and father and children others have mothers and grandmothers...I grew up with my grandmother living above the garage of my moms house...Which is where I was told was "perfect for me and my girls" and then told different here in court...I am absolutely dumbfounded by the way these worker act like their your best friend and claim you are doing everything perfectly then they turn around and stab you in the back in court and claim the total opposite...Well your honor I wish you would believe me...I know my hearsay is just hearsay and their hearsay is facts and admissible in court and yada yada but as God as my Witness I have NEVER Abandoned those children nor have I endangered them...I LOVE THOSE CHILDREN SO MUCH...May I approach the bench your honor?...(I would then take up pictures of you two girls and me having a good time then I would close my speech with:) You see your honor its not about money, its not about what you know...Because parenting is an on going learning experience...And every child is different no child is exactly the same I'm sure you know that with your own children...Your honor I had a tough time because I had so much happen to me in such a short amount of time and if you want me to get into detail I can...Jan 1999 My mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer March 1999 I had Rowsheall, Bruce began his controlling (but at the time I didn't recognize it at the time), I moved back home with my mom to help her with her recovery...More stress came from Bruce accusing me of cheating and all this so we broke up...We got back together cause he apologized...Then I found out I was pregnant again when Rowsheall was 8 months old in Nov. 1999...I was attending metro meridian getting my G.E.D. plus graduation and Rowsheall was attending child care at the school...Then Bruce got physical with me for the first time...He punched the microwave and came and got into my face and I wanted to give him a break to cool off and he shoved me down into a chair in the kitchen behind me and I reached up and slapped him with my left hand (I'm right handed) and he picked me up and choke slammed me up against the wall claiming "IF you ever EVER hit me again I will make the wrath of God look like a joke" so at that point I knew I had to get out but gradually where he wouldn't notice...Only take the things that cant be replaced...So during that week at school I covered my Hickey looking wound on my neck and if anyone asked I claimed it was a Hickey...(which now I know was wrong of me to hide what he truly did to me)...Gradually I moved things out...Then one day he punched the thermostat yelling at me as usual and he got into my face and I got up to go outside to give him a breather and he shoved me down into the couch and I slapped him with my left hand yet again...This time he slapped me back three times with his finger tips leaving a small cut and several bruises around my eyes and on my eye lids...Then he grabbed me and shook me by my shirt asking me if "this was what I wanted? Well this is what you got!" and then claimed I "didn't want the baby if I did I would quit smoking" then he slapped me in my stomach and knocked the wind out of me...I was sobbing and wailing your honor when he demanded me to "Stop crying and Grow up!" he went and got me some tissue to wipe my eyes...I couldn't calm down but when I wiped my eyes and found blood I calmed down really quick...I got up and went to go look in the mirror...I found bruises forming around my eyes and a cut where my glasses had scratched my cheek...This was March 12, 2000 I left him claiming I would cover it up and not tell no one...When my mother came to pick me up she noticed the makeup and I told her I was trying something different...She bought it...I just didn't want her to get into it with Bruce because she was a lot more weaker than me from her Chemo therapy...Well later that evening I washed off the makeup and got into the shower and really felt the effects of the abuse that occurred that day...My body ached I felt dirty my bruises were more present and swelling had been apparent for quite sometime now...I went to school the next day with make up on...I wore it all day long and people asked why the make up because everyone knew I didn't wear makeup...I told them I just thought I would try something different...I planned to call the cops later that night...But my last hour teacher John I walked in to class and he looked up at me and asked "Rabeka what did he do to you?!" I started to cry "Go wash that junk off and let me see what he did to you" so I went to the girls bathroom and washed off and went back to class...He told me if I didn't call the police that night he would...So I did when I got home...I put a restraining order on him and everything...I was starting to get over him and he called the house by accident so I figured it was God trying to get us back together for the children...I was still pregnant when we got back together but I was getting ready to burst...I had Katelyn and he started with the accusations of cheating all over again...Then I find out that Jill had a baby and it was his and the timing of her having the baby lined up to while we were going out...So he was cheating on me...Again we broke up...I was heart broken I had two children to take care of a mother who at the time was indulging herself with alcohol yes but she was not doing this when she began to care for my children...Back then I had to take care of her my two children my little sister and my grandmother...So I had my plate full...Then my grandmother had to under go surgery for her corroded arteries...She had a massive stroke during surgery and was considered brain dead after two or one day of responding to us saying she was going to get better and she would shake her head as hard as she could even with her tube in her throat...She knew...We weren't ready to let her go...So for three weeks we watched her breath violently on a ventilator in a coma...Three weeks your honor...Then on Oct. 8, 2000 my mom pulls the oxygen off to see what happens...Her stats drop as expected...She leaves the oxygen off...She calls me and my sister we want her to come and get us we want to visit one last time before she is gone...While she is on her way home Grandma passes on...We get up there and she is sitting up in bed with her mouth open wide motionless...Her mouth is black from having that tube in her throat all that time...A horrific image to have to get out of the mind...I was empty from my grandma and Bruce doing the things he did...So I went to him as a friend...He went with me to see my grandmother at the morgue and lift up the bottom half of the casket to see what it looked like so I had an additional image in my mind when healing from my grandmother's death...My mother began to drink more and more...I got tired of taking care of her...Left and moved in with a boyfriend Marty...I find out really fast that his apartment isn't child proof...I just need one break...I finally get Katelyn asleep and now I can tend to Rowsheall and we can have fun together...Rowsheall runs over to Katelyn and scratches/hits/pulls her hair/pinches anything to wake her up...I try "Shhhhh" she screams "Eeeeek" and laughs...Because that was a game her grandmother on Bruce's side used to play with her...She wakes up Katelyn I pack up the girls into the car and need a break...Maybe a car ride will put them to sleep...Rowsheall reaches over to Katelyn in the back seat from her car seat and scratches her...I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY...I NEED HELP...I go to a friends house and let them take care of them while I search the phone book for help with this sort of thing...I find Root and Wings...I call them they are to come out that Friday...They never show....I call again they set up another appointment for Monday...No show...So I figure they aren't going to help me...I just need a break then I can get back into the swing of things...So I leave them with my friends and my mom finds out about it...And throws a fit...She wants to watch them...Ok deal is she don't drink...So she quit after 4 days of detox and slow weaning....She was ready...I took the girls to her and dropped them off and told her I needed a few days to get my head together if not longer...During this time...My boyfriend at the time Marty claims he is an android (someone who don't feel, love, hate, nothing...So basically I was loving someone and getting nothing in return...I again had this void missing inside of me...I searched in the wrong places I now know I should have looked to Jesus and God to fill that void...All the earthly possessions will never satisfy that kind of void...As for a job I had one...They just couldn't work around my schedule and fired me...Then September.. 11 happened and I couldn't find a job anywhere I tried no one was hiring...I was scared I wouldn't see my girls again because it was going to be the end of the world...Then they came out with that song Alan Jackson wrote that goes "...Did you run to your family and hold them tight?..." Honestly your honor I really wish I could have...You have no idea what it is like to be a parent who has their life turned up side down by life's circumstances then suddenly children are ripped from care...And its all set up but no one sees it and no one listens...Nor do they understand why I did what I did...They wont give me the time of day your honor and they treat me like a poor excuse for a human being...How can I just get up and dust myself off from this?...After all this trauma in my life? Just bounce back? Excuse me your honor I am only human I am not a super hero...I can only take so much before I break and this taking my children broke me in half and took me a long long time to get myself back together...You probably didn't know all this...Because the workers just smiled and nodded when I told them everything...The took things out of context to suit their needs...In example the statement they took from me in the hospital "I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want my children" well if you take it out of context like that it sounds quite awful but if you put the whole conversation together it makes sense why I would say something like that..."If I am going to have to be on all these medications for the rest of my life because I have this disorder and I can hardly handle myself I am pretty sure I wouldn't want my kids back and would want my mother to have custody of them"...Now doesn't that sound better than just the out of context sentence they are pushing in court so hard?...As for the positive U.A. for meth...I was told the day before that my medication I was taking "Flexeril" would make a home drug test come positive for meth and I needed to stop taking it so I wouldn't have a dirty U.A....Oh thanks for the not even 24 hour warning...I couldn't stop taking them because of my stress induced torticollis out breaks...And on a few Occasions I missed visits because I had an out break and the supervisor for the visits didn't understand how bad it hurt...And that I had to wear a neck brace when one of these out breaks occurred...I can get a doctor to come and testify to explain this to you but my attorney advised me against it...Along with presenting evidence that I had presented to him...Excuse me your honor but I am tired of being built up to believe I'm going to win then be let down...So I am going to try and prove myself to you...You can tell I have been through a lot in the last few years...I'm not asking for a break...I am asking for reasonable efforts to preserve my family unit...Yes my unit includes my mom and sister and kids...And my fiancee (at the time) Daniel...As far as the boyfriend complaint the state is presenting the explanation I have is highly understandable...I was involved with Marty before this all started with the state getting involved...Well he has four kids of his own...When he found out what you all were about he bailed out on me...Well me jobless I knew I had to find another man with a job to provide for me because I couldn't get a job at the time...Then the cycle started over again...You guess it they figured out what your system was about and bailed out on me yet again and again and again...I'm sorry I have no control over men I wish I did...But I don't...I only have control over my actions...And I did everything I could to try and get a steady income I applied all I could went to numerous interviews...I tried everything...And quite honestly the only reason why I had enough money for the court orders to be finished was because a guy that was helping me out whom I claimed was my boyfriend but he really wasn't...Just because Jacqueline was going to set me up with one of her Iranian husbands friends (the kind who beat people and do it religiously)...I quickly told her that I was seeing someone already...And Jimmy happened to be the only guy in my life at the time so he was it....He was going to rent a couple of rooms to me and I was to work around the house for room and board and take care of my kids...It would have worked out but yet again he found out that you all were setting me up just to let me down...And he bailed out on me...Thus we have Daniel who had a job for 3 years and suddenly for 3 weeks he has no job and its a big deal? Excuse me? Yes its hard to get a job...Yes he quit his job...Maybe he wanted me all to himself so he set me up...You cant hold this against me...I went home during lunch today from court and found he has moved out...How great is that for me?...Not so great...I don't know why no one will hire me....I tried....I tried my hardest...The days I could get up out of bed which was pretty much the days I had to get things done for court I went out and put a few applications in at various places...The only place that would hire me quite honestly was a stripper bar...And I knew how you would look upon that...So I denied the offer...Yes your workers would have encouraged me to because its good money then turn around in court and say that I was working at a bar stripping blah blah blah so I didn't even want to take a chance with those back stabbers...PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU GIVE ME MY CHILDREN BACK...I LOVE THEM SO MUCH...I MAY NOT BE RICH...I MAY NOT HAVE A NICE CAR...I MAY NOT EVEN HAVE A HOME YES ITS FOR SALE RIGHT NOW...BUT THAT IS A CIRCUMSTANCE YOU CANNOT FORCE SOMEONE TO TAKE CONTROL OF WHEN ITS OUT OF THEIR HANDS...WE CANT AFFORD THE PAYMENTS ANYMORE SO WE ARE HAVING TO SALE IT BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WE WERE BUYING IT FROM ARE BEING REAL PROBLEM MAKERS IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR COURT DEAL...I CANT CONTROL THAT I WISH I COULD...YOU CANT TAKE CHILDREN JUSTIFIABLY FROM ME JUST BECAUSE CIRCUMSTANCES DIDN'T RESOLVE IN THE VERY SHORT TIME PERIOD YOU EXPECTED IT TO WORK OUT IN...I am sorry but you just cant do it...I LOVE THOSE KIDS TOO MUCH!!! PLEASE YOUR HONOR GIVE ME MY CHILDREN BACK AND GIVE ME A SECOND CHANCE....The thing I truly needed from the time I called Root and Wings instead of going into the hospital I should have went to first step counseling and got guidance that I got in this last month...I just didn't know how to handle Rowsheall that was the only problem...It wasn't a drug or alcohol problem...It was a behavior problem child that I didn't know how to handle and I needed guidance...I made that mistake thinking it was me something was wrong with me...I know now it wasn't me...I know I don't need to take these pills that your workers are forcing me to take because otherwise I'm "not cooperating" the thing about that is that they said a couple days before court that I was doing everything I needed to be doing and everything...Then after court they claimed I "knew good and well what I needed to do and failed to do it and it was my own fault" so each time I walk away from this court room I would feel like a poor excuse for a human being...Is that what this system is intended to do? While a parent is knocked down...Keep her down...And steal her kids in the process...And don't take no for an answer...Make it up as you go alone...And make it impossible for the parent to get their children home...If that is the way its suppose to go...Well then I will have to congratulate you and your system because you won and did your intention...I walked in here thinking I was innocent until proven guilty...But in these cases you are guilty until proven innocent...And all you have is hearsay tough hearsay is hearsay and dismissed...Yet the state side has hearsay and its facts because they are professional workers or something...And so even though they don't write as things are stated and they don't record what is spoken their hearsay is presented and accepted...Which I think is not fair...Because they write a report after a few visits of different cases and then tries to figure out what statements go where and who said it...Which then it becomes their words against the parents and then most likely the parents are look down on because they are trying to look good so they will do anything and say anything to win...Even if they are the most honest person ever....Like myself I cannot tell a lie...Which I have learned from this experience is a very bad thing...Because you cant tell the workers fine when they ask you how you are...Or what ever...You have to tell them the truth...I feel stressed and depressed...ETC....YOUR HONOR I BEG YOU TO CONSIDER ME AS A PRIME CARE PROVIDE FOR THESE CHILDREN YES I WILL GET A JOB YES I WILL GET RID OF BOYFRIENDS NO I WILL NOT MOVE OUT OF MY MOTHERS HOUSE NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU BELIEVE THAT SHE IS A PROBLEM SHE IS NOT SHE DOES NOT DRINK...Thank you for your time Your Honor"....But no I didn't stand up for our rights as a family...I was told we would win if I didn't say anything...When we lost...I got up tears swelling up in my eyes...choked the words "forgive them father for they know what they do...then...Walked out of the court room and collapsed to my knees sobbing and wailing I didn't under stand why they took my girls from me I am a good person I am a good mother I just had too much on my plate at one time and didn't know how to handle it the way they expected me to...I know this probably don't make sense to you...But maybe it does...I hope it does...I want you to feel the emotional roller coaster they threw me through...I did everything they told me to do...I want you to know that...But they came up with new court orders every time I walked into that court room...Just when I thought I was done...I had more to do...It was SO hard babies...I'm so sorry...I couldn't keep my emotions under control and take charge of my life like a strong mother you deserve....I don't know what you wanted to find when you looked up your names or my names or what ever it was that brought you to this site...I hope you found that I care for you and love you so much and not a day goes by that I don't think about you...I miss you sooooo much...I wish we could see each other sometime before your 18th birthday because that's so far away...And I want my questions answered soon...I hate not knowing how you both are...I hate not knowing anything about you girls...I don't even know you anymore....You probably are so grown up I wouldn't recognize you if I saw you some where in public...I haven't seen you since Aug 2002 and that's a long time to have to wait...Of course when you turn 18 2013-2014 I think will be when you turn 18...That seems like a life time...I love you too much to go that long without contact...Without knowing how you are doing...I want to know you are happy as the workers tell me...I pray you guys understand I couldn't keep my promise of you coming home...Not because I break promises its just I was mislead by the workers and Judge and Attorney and thought I could win you guys and get you home like I promised...I'm sorry I broke that promise...Don't forget about our game of hide and go seek that's suppose to last till you are 18 years old...I'm here waiting...Come and find me...I love you Very much...And cant wait to see you again... Sincerely, Your loving mother for always, Rabeka Jo (F) D

***UPDATE***

Katelyn told me to hurry up and die so she can shit on my grave and a bunch of other hurtful shit that made me want to kill myself and Rowsheall came to stay with us for a while and worked herself into a victim situation by causing drama and making us act the part of asshole and bitch so she can hate us and we can hate her and move on with our lives without each other cuz fuck we haven't needed each other thus far why the fuck do we need each other now its not like we are in a pandemic or anything and its not like I wasted all my wishes for you girls to fucking come home for what? for this? yeah I get it I can't support you like your rich adoptive parents can and you needed a way to cut ties with me to be permanent so you could keep what was good going....cuz they will cut you off for finding me but what you did was instead of finding me get to know actually me and learn my side of the story and maybe convince your adoptive parents I am not who they say I am but you did what you did instead and tore my apartment up terribly bad and said very hurtful things to me....you don't give a shit at all though, all you care about right now is you and your life and what you been through and you both were sexually abused by your adoptive dad from age 4 til you were 13 when you realized that's not how a dad should show you love...drop that bomb shell on me and make me crumble with my biggest fear...thing was...I was already crumbled...you didn't need to do what you did...I too was fucking fake happy around you...pushed through my pain to be with you most the time but I ran myself so far down in the hole I still am not okay and it is almost my 40th birthday and that is both mentally and physically...why can't the only people in my life I want to care about my life and to care about my feelings and about what all I been through and everything...they have no interest and then they wonder why I am online trying to be interested in...like people are with super stars they know all about them and can resit all facts about them...cuz that is when you finally know a person right? I give up on this dream I had of having kids who cared about me...that doesn't happen until much later in life...and hopefully by then I will still be around so I can experience it and finally be complete.

Katelyn Marie, I hardly got to get to know you before you were taken from me...But when you were born it was another happy moment in my life, I wasn't there for very many of your firsts I'm sorry for that...But I was trying to do what was best for you two and found out it was the worst later on...I shouldn't have gone into the hospital I should of been strong and just dealt with the pain and suffering I was facing on my own without medications...I am so sorry I wasn't there I wish I could turn back time and fix everything but I can't...I love you so much. I do remember visiting you over at the babysitters house to get your older sister Rowsheall and take her out for lunch cause your grandma and the babysitter Tiffany decided that if I could handle Rowsheall then I could handle you both...Anyway I walked into the door to where you were at and you got soooo excited to see me you had a 'oh' look on your face and got so excited to see me...I wont ever forget that look nor the excitement in your eyes and the sound you made...I also wont forget the smell of you either...That's the one thing that stuck in my memory is the smell of you. The first visit we got to share I had to rip you away from your foster mother Jan...Which was so hard for me...I had to keep you from going to the door the whole visit in the small room we got to visit in while you cried for your "mommy" the whole visits, for months it went like this...Your "mommy" you were referring to was a perfect stranger to me...So it was really hard for me to accept the fact you were calling her "mommy". I remember the first time I saw you actually walk without falling down (of course it wasn't your first steps and I'm sorry I missed those) I was so happy you were walking, it was at your first year birthday party...You still weren't too keen on the idea of hanging out with me, but were starting to come around...I loved you two so very much it was so hard for me to even visit with you two cause it absolutely broke my heart to think I wouldn't ever see you again. The last visit we shared was great, though I spent most my time with your sister Rowsheall because I figured there would be a better chance she would remember the visit and tell you about the whole thing later...I told her to take care of you...I hope she did...I love you both so much! I miss you both so much! I can hardly stand being apart! I can't wait till you two come home to me I love you so much. I need to go for now but I will write journal entries as much as I can on this site. Sincerely, Your birth mother, Rabeka Jo (Frantz) Drew 05*16*1980

Rowsheall Kailyn, When you were born, Mommy had no idea how truly abusive your Daddy was and would become. The day you were born was the most wonderful day in my life up until that day. I looked into your new born eyes and knew you were going to be just like me so I had to make you unique like me so I spelt your name Rowsheall, since my name was spelt Rabeka. I knew you were going to be my strength for ever and ever. I was young when you were born and I was young when I met you father. I made the mistake of wanting to get out of my mothers house so bad that I would date a man like your father just to get out. When if I look back now, my mothers house wasn't all that bad, just I wanted to do things and wanted to do them now and my mom kind of stopped me from doing things I wanted. I hope you see that your adoptive parents only are looking out for the best for you when they limit you on your activities and such. I remember when you turned one years old...We sang happy birthday to you...And you sang "Happy to me! Happy to me!" and it was one of many happy moments you gave to me. Your first smiles were also one of the few things that were happy moments you gave to me. I used to tell you a story (you called them "Tory mommy Tory") and I made one up especially for my little angel...It went something like this..."Once Upon A Time there lived a beeeeeaaauuuutttiiiffulll princess and her name was Rowsheall, she lived with her Mommy, her Grandma, her great grandma, her aunt Jami (you called her Meme) and her baby sister Katelyn, and they all lived in a big huge castle. Well it came time for princess Rowsheall to go to sleep so she said "nite nite ____" ( you would fill in the blanks with "fish" "dog" "bird" "Tory" "door" "momma" to name a few) so she laid down her little head, (I would then tell you to lay your head down and you would) and closed her eyes (I would tell you to close your eyes and you did crunching them tight) and her mommy would lean over and kiss her like this (I would kiss you on the cheek) and say "Good night my princess I love you so very much" and turn out the light nite nite Rowsheall" and then I would turn out the light. I remember when you had the flu for the first time...I didn't want you to be throwing up and I not hear you so I laid you on my chest that night and held you all night...You threw up all over me numerous times that night...I felt so bad for you...I felt so helpless I couldn't help you. Then you got better. The reason why we weren't living with your father was because your grandmother and I didn't get along at the time, don't think we ever did get along, and your father had became very verbally abusive and actually got physically abusive towards me after I got pregnant with your little sister Katelyn Marie, I will explain more when you get older in more detail. I also remember the first time you said "I love you mom" I got it on tape, it was at one of the few birthday parties we got to share while you were in the foster care system. I watch it when ever I feel down or discouraged and have no hope left...It lifts me right up and gives me something to look forward to when you come home to me. You are probably wondering "Why" you were adopted, truth of the matter is that I was not given a fair chance to get you out of the system. I wonder why myself. I just can't see how this was justice. I had a roof over my head, I had food in my cabinets and refrigerator and most of all I had love in my heart for you and Katelyn. It is beyond me why, I know how it came about...You can read all about it at http://www.geocities.com/drewrabeka/RabekaDrewsPage.html if you want to read the horrifying story of how it all came about...If I included all details in a book it would probably be as big and thick as a dictionary or bible...Maybe even the whole encyclopedia set put together...I plan on writing books telling my story. I hope someday I can publish them and make a lot of money and put the money in scholarships for all my kids to go to college...That's one thing I want you to have that I don't right at this point in time...An Education...I pray you get the best education available and you stick to school and ask for help when you feel you "can't do it" as you always said in our visits when you couldn't do something. I am really sorry for not holding myself together and making the mistake of going into that stupid hospital...I just can't find no one to help me prove that I am sane and that I am capable and was capable of taking care of you girls and get you two back...But then I think maybe you are better off where you are...Praying that you are in a very nice home and you don't hate me for not fighting harder...Though I fought my hardest and fastest and it still wasn't good enough...I'm sorry my best wasn't good enough...I wish I could turn back time and fix everything...But I can't...So just know that I love you and am here when you are ready to come and see me...I love you so much...And miss you sooooo much....And cant hardly wait till you come home to me... I hope you remember our last visit I told you that "we're going to play a very long game of Hide and go seek...I'm going to go and hide and you will come and find me when you are 18 years old...Do you know how many that is?" you said "yeah!" in a cheerful manner I asked you "Do you want to count to 18 with me?" and you said "yeah!" again so I laid out 18 stuffed animals and we counted to 18 together...I held my tears back the best I could for your sake, but did swell up with tears on many occasions...I had a video tape recorder with me and we thought it was recording but it turned out it didn't record and I really wish it would have recorded because you sang to me "Jesus loves me"...The man you started calling Daddy Danny he turned out to be against us being a family...I'm sorry I confided in him...I should have tried harder in getting a job of my own even though I tried my hardest and no one was hiring...I'm sorry I didn't hold my self together after you were taken from me and keep the job I had but I guess when you are suppose to work for a company you work around their schedule and they cant work around your own schedule thus the reason I got fired...I thought going to court and taking care of court orders and visiting with my two girls was more important than a job. I guess I was wrong...Anyway... I love you I will post again someday soon. Sincerely, Your Birth Mother, Rabeka Jo (F) D 05*16*1980