Dear Katelyn,

Seriously 7 more years before you can come and see me again? and I see you? wow your 11 years old! thats unbelievable how time has flown by...I can't wait to see you and your sister! I love you so very much and even thought the 12th was your birthday by mistake and told your brothers they were excited that we are so close to you coming home to see us...We really can't wait to see you again!

I remember when you were born I had stated that Bruce (who at the time I believed was your father) didn't mean to hit me...but he did...that was the one shot wonder drug that they gave me talking...I looked at you and was so amazed by how perfect you were just as with all my children...how perfect you all were...I loved you so very much...and still do...and its been hard these last 9 years...I still cry when I talk about our case and what the state did to our family...but there is nothing I could do now to change it...and if I could I would let you decide what you wanted to do...I know you have grown to love your forever family...you might go through a bout of hate and rebellion towards them as some teens do but not all teens...your Aunt Jami didn't :-) and you might think living with me would be so much better than living with them because they are so unfair or whatever just cause they have your best interest at heart...I assure you living with me wouldn't be much different accept that not both parents work in this home...just the daddy...and mommy isn't all fun and games...though if I had you guys at home I really don't know what I would be...I wouldn't be depressed I am sure of that...cause I would be complete I know that...but I really don't know what that looks like any more...

I love you so very much I hope you got everything you hoped you would get today...and more...I remember how excited you would get when I entered the room to pick you up...you did a full body quiver and straighten your arms and legs and open your eyes wide and blow out flat tight lips out of excitement...mainly I remember you doing this in your peter rabbit snow coat on...I love you so very much Katelyn I am so sorry I failed you and your sister I really truly am...but I assure you I didn't do what was accused of being done...no matter what anyone tells you know this is the truth...I really didn't do the things they thought I was doing and half way proved I was doing which was Meth...they told me day before they took a home drug screen that I needed to get off the flexeril asap cause it comes up positive on their home drug screens as meth...so they got that positive UA and won you guys cause I couldn't fight it...and for that I am so sorry I really wish I hadn't taken any medications over the counter or prescribed...EVER in my life...cause then all this mess wouldn't have happened...and we would still be together...

Anyway I love you so very much :-) I really do miss you so very much and can't wait to see you again!...I can't say it enough!

Talk to you later.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D (F) (D.O.B. 05-1980)
your loving birth mother who won't EVER forget

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn, Rochelle and Katie I guess is how your names are spelt by your adoptive parents...which irritates me but the only reason is because a lot of thought went into your names...I wanted you Rowsheall to be unique like your mom...but am realizing everyone is unique without having to have their name spelt certain ways...now your middle name Kailyn was after your aunt Jami Lyn and my uncle Gregory Lyn :-) which also is why Katelyn was named Katelyn...Marie comes from my childhood best friend Lisa Marie and no she isn't a Presley :-) but she means the world to me...we went through a falling out for over a year but we are talking again trying to start over. Anyway, I keep thinking about you girls a lot...not that I ever get you girls off my mind...I wouldn't want to stop thinking about you because I love you so much and you are apart of me and will always be in my heart...as your adoptive parents had conceived you both in their hearts before they finally got to add you to their loving family. All I can do is think positive about where you are...my horror stories in my mind I have learned to let go because it drives me crazy to think of the possible bad things you might be facing and it's not fair for me to torture myself... Anyway I love you so very much and I really cannot say that enough...nor do I know how else to express it to you...I really am struggling to live without you both...but I have to keep living without you and it's so unfair for it being this way...I really don't see where I was wrong because no one told me it was wrong nor did they allow me to correct the problem...they didn't guide me as I needed them to...if they had...I would still have you home with me...but that didn't happen...did it? No, a system built to protect children not preserve families...at what cost did they protect you? There are no digets that could express damages done to me and my family...I will be justified someday...may not be till I reach my next life...but I'm hoping when you two come home to me finally I will feel like I finally have my family completed... Your brother Dylan is 7 almost 8 and is very smart...and he keeps asking about you girls which is pushing me harder to request pictures to show him you are bigger than him now...that you are not still ages three and two...it's just hard...I'm So scared of being rejected...so...maybe when we can afford my counselor I will work on that with them even if I've been doing good helping myself with my hoarding tendencies that aren't as bad as on tv...it could have easily gotten that bad had I let it keep going...anyways I'm good at certain things...other things I struggle with and need professional input anyways... I plan to get things taken care of soon so we can see you both or all depending on if your family you have now wants to share themselves with us or not...anyway...I'm serious this time...even if it makes me so sick to my stomach just thinking about it...anyway I love you both equally and cannot wait to see your smiling faces again. Sincerely, Rabeka Jo (F) D Your biological mother who will never forget...who carried you in my loving womb for 9 months and in 15 months time was torn from my loving arms that were young, dumb, and in need of guidance...but got set up and robbed instead...Robbed of witnessing your childhood, robbed of Katelyns first steps, robbed of many firsts to follow, and robbed of knowing and shaping you into being who you will be someday...I'm not apart of that and that's what hurts the most...love you ttyl

Dear Rowsheall Kailyn,
I still have difficulties picturing you older than 3 but today you turn 12...and that in so hard to believe but in 6 more years you will be able to come and find me but its OK if you wait till your sister is 18 too so you both can find me...I am waiting with my arms wide open ready to hold you and kiss you and never let you go again....Celine Dion wrote a song Called Miracle http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGNQ9bu1mDk not sure if the link will work when you find this or when I show you this blog but this is how I feel about you, and Katelyn, and Dylan, and Jack, and Josephine, and now River....I just want to hold you now but I can't....and that hurts more than anything I have experienced I know where Josephine and River are...they are with our Father and with Jesus our Savior....you and Katelyn I don't know where you are...I just have to trust that God is watching over you and keeping you and your sister safe until you can come home to me....another song that hits home is Precious Child by Karen Tyler-Good even if its for a child who passed away...you are living in my heart for now...and I will be able to see you and hold you here on earth and your sister Katelyn too....I am so lost without you girls...I am trying to be a good mom to your two brothers I have been blessed with...its just so hard to keep going when the world around me keeps crumbling around me...but I have to keep going because someday you will come find me and I want to be here to see you and hold you once again....that day will be the day my life will be justified as being worth living....and everything will just fall back into place...I know your parents will still be in your life as they raised you since the state didn't see me able to raise you but I am able to raise your brothers...though sometimes I doubt myself and my abilities at times but I know God will help me get through the hard times and I rest in the promises that God has gave us...
I really pray God helps you in any resentment you may feel towards me as I did everything I could and it wasn't good enough for the state to put us back together forever but rather put us apart for a short while...I love you so very much and I can't say that enough....I am struggling without you both but I will survive....I have to....so I can see you again....I miss you so very much! I can't say that enough either...I really want to write your parents requesting pictures but I am so scared they will reject me....that would just break me if they  did...I can't take anymore heartache I hope I can get the guts to ask for permission to contact your parents and then write that letter opening our door of communication....I just am so scared to be rejected....I hope to be able to do that soon though....I will keep praying about it and praying for you all (mom, dad, you and your sister and your family)....I will talk to you later though.
I hope you had a wonderful Happy 12th Birthday Rowsheall and all your dreams came true today...you got everything you wanted....I love you and will talk to you again soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
your birth mother who won't ever forget you and your sister

Well girls, My life is just full of crisis and I am thankful you girls are not here to witness all that has gone on it will hurt you when you come find me or when you stumble on this blog but I really don't think you girls could have handled being here during my many losses as I am beside myself with this one...We had sonograms and echocardiograms done for this baby we were expecting and everything was so normal and so healthy there was nothing wrong at all with this baby...but they stopped moving and I went into the hospital and they couldn't find the heart beat and had to induce him still born...it was a surprise we didn't know what he was until he came out...he was beautiful...his name was River Lyric and he weighed 2lbs 9.7oz and was 15.5 inches long little bitty baby and so peaceful...we got lots of pictures to share with you when you come home to see us...
I love you girls so very much and I am so sorry that I couldn't fight harder and gotten you girls back....

In other news...I have been attacked by someone on yahoo messenger through this blog which I put on here so you girls could contact me if you wanted to or your parents could contact me even...and someone contacted me acting like they knew me back when I lost you girls and knew what was really going on...it was stupid what they had said to me because they are idiots if they think for a second I was lying on my blog....I am sharing my side of the story....if they don't like it or believe me thats on them...not me...I know what happened I was there experiencing it first hand...if they were with me 24/7 which that would of been my mother...then ya they can talk but since they only know obviously hearsay which is what others say about me and what was going on at the time etc...anyways I cannot believe that they would attack me like they did but knowing someone out there thinks I am lying to you girls in my blog kind of irritates me...just because they were anonymous tells me they really dont know me and if they did they would let their identity be known so we can have it out like adults and get on the same page as each other...I have not lied to you once on this blog and I hope that you do find me first before you find whoever is a liar out there grows up and stops the rumors and stops attacking me anonymously cause thats just childish and immature...

So that note is kind of for the attacker not you girls but I just had to make it known that there are some people out there who have it in their minds that I got what I deserved just so that way they feel better about themselves and justified that they have their kids...not me having you girls...etc...kind of a comfort thing really for them because if they believe my story in the way things went down...then that puts their family in jeopardy of being torn apart like ours and thats just not something people are willing to accept and I don't blame them its scary that they could take two children from a loving home based on lies...but they did...and it hurt...and I am surviving but missing you girls every waking hour of my life...and I won't ever stop thinking about you nor will I stop praying for your return home to me...and I look forward to your return and I hope and pray for strength to risk rejection by requesting pictures of you girls but its so hard to not think maybe the parents won't think I deserve pictures or anything...that I am this horrible drug addict the courts made me to look like...which was far from the truth....anyways I am sorry to break that news to you too...but now you have a little girl sister angel and a little boy brother angel  up in heaven watching over you with Grandma Sally...

I am going to Mental Health Association for counseling now and they have many programs that I am planning on getting involved in so I can maybe hopefully get back into enjoying life maybe? I don't even know if I can without you girls and without your brother and sister now who are in Heaven....but I really want to so I can maybe be a wonderful mother when you finally do come home...I am maturing I think in my mental emotional side...or I am just numb at the moment I am not sure which...since it just happened this weekend...

Anyway I love you girls so very much and miss you very much...I will be writing in on Rowsheall's Birthday as usual here in a few days...I will talk to you Rowsheall later I love you sweetheart...Katelyn I love you sweetheart too....I wonder what you girls look like being 10 and nearly 12 you must be so big! and smart!
Talk to you later sweeties...
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo

It took the state 507 days to destroy our family I had with you both Rowsheall and Katelyn.

Thats One year 4 months and 20 days

Thats 43,804,800 seconds

Thats 730,080 Minutes

Thats 12,168 hours

thats 72 weeks (rounded down)

It seems only yesterday was the last time I seen you both but it has been 2923 days

thats 8 yrs and ago to the date

thats 252,547,200 seconds

thats 4,209,120 minutes

thats 70,152 hours

thats 413 weeks (rounded down)

I can't believe my babies are growing up without me...and they are no longer 3 and 2 as they were today 8 yrs ago...its unbelieveable how long it has been...I miss you every waking hour of my life and ache to hear your laughs, feel you hugging me, hearing you both say you love me...I watch the DVD home videos of you both and want to just reach into the tv and hold you one last time...but I can't...and that is something I have to come to terms with every waking hour of my life...

I am surviving, I am not sure how I am but I am...and I am trying my best to keep myself together but its an every moment battle...losing you two were worst than losing my latest daughter who died...losing you two absolutely destroyed me...and for a short while I let it....I hope you understand when you come home to meet me that I did everything in my ability (cause this was a very debilitating experience I had ever experienced in my life) but I am so thankful that I got to spend the time I did with them or partly be apart of their lives.

I got to see and be apart of Rowshealls life 1250 days (March 29th 1999-Aug 29th 2002)

Thats 3 years 5 months, to the date

thats 108,000,000 seconds

thats 1,800,000 minutes

thats 30,000 hours

or 178 weeks (rounded down)

I got to see and be apart of Katelyn's life for 744 days (Aug 15th 2000-Aug 29th 2002)

thats 2 yrs, 14 days

thats 64,281,600 seconds

thats 1,071,360 minutes

thats 106 weeks (rounded down

I had custody of the girls and doing what I had to and made sure my kids needs were met which they were well taken care of....for

Rowsheall 743 days

thats 2 yrs 12 days

thats 64,195,200 seconds

thats 1,069,920 minutes

thats 17,832 hours

thats 106 weeks (Rounded down)

Katelyne 238 days

thats 7 months 26 days

thats 20,563,200 seconds

thats 342,720 minutes

thats 34 weeks

and by the time I got to visit with the girls Katelyn didn't even recognize me and cried for her mom the full hour visitation who was right in front of her...which really deeply broke my heart into a million billion zillion infinity pieces...

Well baby's I miss you terribly bad...and I love you so very much and I can't wait to see you again someday hopefully sooner than later...I really am doing good...just miss you alot and try not to let it get to me too bad cause I hold the thought that you will someday come and find me and if its till your 18th birthdays

Rowsheall will come home in 2405 days, thats 6 yrs, 7 months, and 1 day

Thats 207,792,000 seconds

thats 3,463, 200 minutes

thats 57,720 hours

343 weeks (rounded down)

Katelyn will come home in 2909 days

thats 7 yrs, 11 months, and 18 days

thats 251,337,600 seconds

thats 4,188,960 minutes

thats 69,816 hours

thats 415 weeks (rounded down)

thats not as long as I have been without you two...so I can do this...I don't want to but I have to...it kills me...but I do what I have to....

How fun to know all the calculations of our lives and how soon we will see each other again...I am so excited! I can't wait but have to ya know what I mean!

I love you so very much and miss you two so very much...

Sincerely,

your loving birth mother

Rabeka Jo (F) D (DOB 5/1980)

Katelyn Marie,

I can't believe you are turning 10 today, its amazing how time is just flying by. 8 more years before you can come and find me, I am so excited about meeting you someday...I know it could be sooner than that depending on your adoptive parent's desires but I count on that 18th birthday for sure...

You must be getting so big by now...Your dad Kenneth Raymond Fairchild just texted me saying he was just thinking about our baby girl on her birthday...he just found out sometime this last year as I did too that he was the father of you...big surprise to us both...but a good surprise...anyway...I just wanted you to know I and your daddy are thinking about you on your birthday.

I miss you and your sister so very much, and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you two. I just bought me some thinking of you cards, and note book and envelopes, I hope to write a few letters throughout the year and hopefully find out where to send them so they get stored into a file for when you and your sister come of age...though I hate to send them and then find out you never got them cause they got lost...or something...so I guess I should make copies for my own box to give to you girls when you come home...I have a few things I have from when you were with me as well as what I bought you throughout the years too...its not much of a collection of things...but it sure is better than nothing...I really can't believe you are actually going to be 10 this year...you are still 2 in my mind...Aug 29th, 2002 was the last day I seen you and your sister...and its so hard to think you are no longer that cute little baby girl anymore....but I am thankful each day that you are well taken care of and I pray that you are happy and healthy and thriving and having the best life God has to offer you. I wish it was with me but know it was best that you and your sister were to be else where...even if right now or back then I couldn't see the point I was a loving mother without a clue and I really wish I could undo a lot of things I said and did (those not being what I was accused of) but things I felt I had to do so I could get you girls back home with me...anyway...

I hope you have a happy birthday and get everything you want for your birthday. I also hope you still think of me as I do you, but I hope these thoughts are happy ones as they are for me happy thoughts of you coming home to me when the time is right. I really do love you and your sister so very much. I really hope you are doing very well where you are and are truly happy and settled. I would pursue custody but know that it would be more traumatic for you to be taken from where you are now to be placed with me and thats why I haven't pursued it farther...but it was unjust that you both were taken from me permanently like you were...but the damage is already done and there is no turning back now...

Anyway I love you so very much Katelyn and so does your daddy Ray and Daddy Johnny (my husband ur step dad) I will talk to you later Katelyn Marie, see you someday soon :-)

Sincerely,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

your Birth mother

(D.O.B. 5-1980)

Well that house mentioned in the last post fell through it had too many problems the seller wasn't willing to fix...so we found a 3 bedroom 1 bath house thats half the size of this one...but I think I can manage to keep ontop of the house work with it...I am excited to finally be out of this house I been in since I was 6 yrs old...we will still have it and plan to rent it out as soon as we fix it up a bit...

Anyway I miss you girls so very much...today being mothers day was tough...2nd mothers day without my mom...I don't know how you girls go through this holiday without me...its hard...so hard.

I just hope you treat your new mom as you would of treated me and enjoy her as she is a blessing to all three of us...and I look forward in meeting her and your new dad as well...it takes a big heart to take in two girls as their own and raise them up as if they are their own...

I have been looking into the whole adopt a little girl idea and I have to expunge you girls from my record before I can do that...and I am not sure what that will do to my ability to find you and you find me...but I don't like the sounds of it...so come July, or August your dad Johnny and I will be trying to have another baby and we won't be finding out if its a girl or a boy and will be surprised when they arrive.

I am excited to finally be moving...and I hope the bank stuff irons out and closing date can remain May 19th, 3 days after my birthday...anyway I miss you both so very much and I love you so very much...

I am starting to write my book of my life again...and I pray I continue to write it and get it published so the miscarriage of Justice we went through can at least be known by society for all that it was and is today...and I hope it opens up doors to where we can at least be in contact with one another soon afterwards...if not bring you home to me IF you want to do so...but if you are happy I would much rather leave you where you are...don't get me wrong it will hurt to lose you again...but I don't want to stir up emotions that are hopefully settled down by now cause I don't want you girls to be more screwed up than the state already has made you screwed up...to hold you girls again would be a dream come true and I would be here open armed if you were to come home...and I would be truly blessed to have you back...to harm you and your sister though...I mean to up and move you again...I don't think that would be in the best interest of you girls...unless circumstances allowed you to be moved back home with me that left you girls happy and transitioned correctly....I love you and miss you...I want you back...but know the damage was done and that you hopefully are healed from these wounds...and things are normal as they can be....I hope you understand what I mean...its not that I don't want you...I do more than anything in the world....I just know I don't want to force you girls into something you don't want.

I love you and miss you so very much and I will write again on my birthday as I know will be a hard one to get through again...Love you miss you talk to you soon.

Sincerely,

your loving birth mother,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

Hey baby girls I miss you so much and think of you often. Your dad Johnny and I have found a house that is 6 bedroom 2 bath and are hopefully moving in May 5th...I am so excited! We will have three extra bedrooms one for a daughter we plan to adopt in the future...and then two extra rooms for my craft room and Johnny's man stuff...but easily we can convert our extra rooms into your bed rooms when and if you do come home...I am so ready for that...and I hope you do want to come stay with us if not only for the weekends or vacation leaves from school like summer break or spring break or winter break or whatever....I would love to have my baby girls home with me finally!

I am so excited I am packing my things and making sure I pack all the things I am keeping to show you girls from when you girls were with me...they arn't much but I have fond memories with them...anyway, I love you I need to get some rest as your youngest brother Jack needs to go to a dentist to have a consult about getting his cavities filled...then off to pack some more :-) I haven't moved since I was 6 years old accept the temporary moves between my moms house and your dad's house Rowsheall...I never really lived lived with Katelyn's dad Raymond, he really didn't have the room for me and you Rowsheall...and then after I had Katelyn I had no clue that she was his...but others thought so...I argued...but now I know the truth...Anyway, I hope I didn't disappoint you girls too much with the choice of fathers I ended up with...I just know I never regretted having either one of you...I sometimes wish you hadn't been so close in age at times 17 months apart is awful close but I found even with 21 months between your brothers its just as hard if not harder...so there really isn't a right or wrong spacing between kids...I just hope that what I thought would happen with you girls is that when you get older you become each others best friends :-) because of you being so close in age I hope it happens sooner for you girls if it hasn't already happened...I know for a fact that there are probably arguments and jealousy fuming around you girls but I hope you stick together in the end...

Anyway I hope you both are doing well and are happy and healthy and smart and everything you wanna be...I love you girls so very much and I won't stop loving or thinking about you girls even when I don't post on this blog...I figure it this much...if I did post everyday I thought about you girls you would have a whole bunch of reading this way you girls will only have limited reading material to sift through and things would work out better that way and I could just talk to you girls about things to your face when that day comes :-)

I love you so very much! I can't say it enough cause I do!

I will talk to you girls Later and hopefully by that time I will have the place all set up in our new home and settled down...

My 30th birthday is coming up this May...I am feeling so old ha ha...but know I am not. And your Dad Johnny is going to be 40 in June...yep going over the hill...but he is fit for his age and he takes good care of himself...Anyway I will talk to you girls later I love you good night.

Sincerely,

Your loving Birth Mother,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

DOB May 1980

Happy 11th Birthday sweetheart! I hope you had a wonderful day I thought about you all day long and missed out on your celebration another year...but know when the time is right we will be back together and things will turn out better for us in the end...I love you so very much and miss you every waking hour...and think about you and your sister constantly...

I will write an update after this so you know whats up with your momma and family awaiting to meet you.

I pray that you know I love you and know I am here opened armed when you finally do get to come seek me out...and I look forward to that day and hope its sooner than later :-)

Sincerely,

Your loving Birthmother,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

(dob May 1980)

I miss you girls so much and its really hard to keep living a life without you girls apart of my life...but i know deep in my heart you are well taken care of and will come find me someday and by then i am sure i will have my head straight and my bitterness towards the system that took you from me dumbed down enough to where it dont send me to tears to talk about it. Anyway i love you both so very much! Miss you bunches! Look forward in seeing your pictures sooner than later soon as i get things together with my mind a bit...then go for it head first no detours no speed bumps asked to get in my way pure confidance in myself and just do it. And believe me im gonna do it! Love you and heres to turning my life around and hopefully getting things to where i can see your pictures at least...and watch you grow up that way at least. Talk to you later...sincerely, your loving birth mom Rabeka Jo (F) D

Happy new year girls

Rowsheall and Katelyn, This year i am going to snap out of my depression stop feeling sorry for myself and do something for myself that i could of and should of a long time ago and thats open my communications with your parents. But first thing is first...get myself together and keep it together and do start or finish a task that requires me to follow through and feel accomplished for a change...you know actually finish what i start...something i have a hard time doing for myself...anyway. I love you both i hope this year is the best year and is followed by many best years to follow as same for me i hope its smooth sailing from here on out from here girls cause i would love to be in right mind set when i do open that door of comunicatimons with your parents.I love you both so very much and thank god for blessing me with all 5 children i was blessed to have brought into this world and even though all three daughters visits with me were short and sweet i hstill am blessed to have known u

Dear Katelyn, Your father's name is Kenneth Ray Fairchild he lives in Heston I believe at the moment I will keep in touch with him for easy communication with him when you come to find me...I just wanted you to know his full name so you know it for your family tree. Dear Rowsheall, Your father is Bruce Elmore Hetzel he still lives in Wichita at the moment and I will NOT be staying in communication with him, but maybe every now and then your paternal grandmother Romona Darlene Hetzel (or Darlene Romona Hetzel I cant ever remember which order it went cause she goes by Romona and other times she goes by Darlene) So anyway. I will get you in touch with her when you come find me and she can get you in touch with your dad. I am sorry I just cannot be in contact with Bruce, he was aweful to me and just seeing him on the street fills me with so much anxiety and fear its unbelievable. And for that I am sorry. I didn't pick a better man to be your father. I love you and I hope you understand I was young and dumb and didn't think it was going to get worse but get better...something I hope you learn from me...that you cannot change a man and his ways, especially if it makes you feel so horrible about yourself it will only get worse in the end. Dear Rowsheal and Katelyn, I am hopeful to get in touch with your parents for pictures at least...and I hope you guys don't mind if I get squared away with my emotional state and get things in line for me and my husband to adopt a little girl...I hope you understand my moving on and having the two brothers of yours and your sister who passed away...and I hope that you know its not to replace you but help me through your absence in my life. I love you both unconditionally and that will NEVER change. I miss you both so very much every waking hour and moment...and think about you just as often. I can't wait til the day comes when you come home to me so I can hold you girls in my arms again. Sincerely, Your loving biological mother, Rabeka Jo (F) D

Today I stopped by your grandmother Romona Hetzel's and visited with her a little. Caught up on things, and found out that Katelyn is not Bruce's daughter but Raymond Fairchild's I need to get in touch with him, though now it wouldn't do much good but bring sorrow to his heart to know that you were taken from him without knowing all these years...and not be able to do anything about it...but I feel he should know...Just so when you come find me and I send you in his direction he wont be in too big of shock. I learned that you two visited with her unofficially on occasions...which was sweet of the foster mom to put that together for you girls. She really does love you, and misses you both dearly I hope she is still around when you come around so you can go find her as well...both foster mom and grandma, since she is the only grandma you have left thats biological at least. I miss you guys so much I think thats why I went to visit with her to see if maybe just maybe she had more recent pictures of you girls but she doesn't. She was more sweet to me than she ever has been...so that was a nice welcoming. I don't know how I would of taken a rejection from her after my mom died...Im not doing too great after that, and the one year anniversary to Josephine's birth and death your baby sister. I just want my mom and can't have her so its really effecting me. I know it has probably (at least I hope but don't hope cause its aweful feeling not being able to be with me) been hard on you in the same way as you being away from me. I know that kind of sounds selfish, but I just hope you girls don't forget how much I love you and what all I did to get you girls back home with me and failed. I am really missing you girls a whole lot lately, and I hope to find the noterize form I have to fill out and get noterized and sent to topeka to get that communications opened with your parents you have now and hopefully get those pictures of you guys soon. I know I say this often but I really want to do it this time and I will just give a link to this site for them to read if they feel they are ready to read the truth of the matter, and find out how loving and caring I truely am. And that I havn't forgotten you guys. I know I don't write much, but it don't mean I don't think of you both only this often as I write on here...cause if I did that, it would definately be overwhelming for you girls to read when you do find it, as it is overwhelming as it is right now and there are a few more years to squeeze onto this board before your old enough to find me and be introduced to it...or for you to know how to search for your birth names. I love you girls so much, I am going to let you go for now, I need to run to the walmart and find some soybean/glycol free shampoo, conditioner, lotion, and body wash since I found I am allergic to soybean I have noticed that glycol is soybean based and I have been and always have reacted to shampoo and conditioner as well as bodywash and lotions, and I had no idea why I was itchy but now I know...this is going to be a several hour task I am sure. Talk to you girls, later I love you so very much and miss you constantly. Sincerely, Your loving birth mom, Rabeka Jo (F) D

Dear Katelyn, I can't believe you are turning 9 today, it's unbelievable how time has flown since the last time I got to hold you and tell you I loved you. I just got done watching the home videos of you girls as I always do on each one of your birthdays, and sometimes on hollidays if I feel the need to feel close to you and know that you love me... I know I wasn't very close to you Katelyn when I had you, mommy went through post partum pretty hard after you were born, and I regret that tramendously. During our first visitation after a few months after you were taken by the state from me, you cried the whole hour for your mommy, and I was right there. It crushed me so hard, I cried a lil and the supervisor took me outside and said if I didn't regain control of my emotions she was going to have to end the visitation. So I had to swollow the tears and try to get you distracted but I just couldn't tear you from that door and you crying for your mommy. I tried. It wasn't your fault you didn't know me anymore, it was mine. Had I not trusted the babysitter Tiffany Christ-Griffin to take care of you girls 24-7 as needed to help me get on our feet, I would of still had you girls and I would of not had to be away from you that long. I am so sorry I was young and dumb when I brought you into this world. Time keeps truckin on, and with each passing year we get closer to the day you can come find me, and I am so excited and can't hardly wait to see you girls again. I want to show you the few pictures I have of us and the three videos I have of us that I watch every birthday of each of you girls. I am so excited to know its just around the bend...and I wait so patiently. I still havn't found that form to fill out and get noterized so I can open the communication between me and your new parents...plus just asking for pictures and anything else they wish to share with me...is hard cause I feel I should justify myself in them knowing that I wasn't that bad of a mother, and that I did love you girls dearly, that I wasn't on drugs as they accused me of etc. But I also don't want to write a 10 page essay on the whole thing. So I am kind of torn on writing that request cause I know I shouldn't overwhelm on the first letter just a to the point letter to start and if they want to ask questions they can. I am clearly an open book as I have placed the whole story on the net for the world to read in the hopes that when you girls get old enough you can google your names and find this here blog. Anyway, I hope you have a wonderful eventful (good events) day filled with your loving family and friends surrounding you during your special day. I love you and miss you so very much. I will talk to you later, Sincerely, Rabeka Jo (F) D your Biological mother p.s. tell Rowsheall hi and tell her that I love her too thanks

And i miss you so much and wish i wasnt robbed from watching you girls grow up. But i was and am. Talk to you later. Love you both sincerely, ~Rabeka JO

---

So life is not only what you make it but also how you react to it all...i have been reevaluating my reactions to whats happened in my life and many things i could of reacted differently to...but i will never regret showing how devistated i was when i lost you girls in court. But i do regret not showing emotions on our last visitation...even though it would have ended our visit that much sooner...i should have not faked it like it didnt matter to me...cause it did matter the world to me. You girls were my sunshine and as tha song e sang to you girls says please dont take my sunshine away. But they did and i was in the dark for a while not knowing where to turn...what to do without you there with me giving me reason to get up in the morning and go to work each day etc. I really love you both very very very much! -), 8 '8++ 697 +9 :346 '7_# -), 28+# 8 2-+)5 49((3, %49' 2-5_#8)$ 697 $84?+ $492 70" (75 8 2-+ -), -'" 5-?! To you later. Love you both sincerely, any times ~Rabeka JO p.s. look in another post for the jumbled letters and numbers and symbols thing...I corrected it later

Dear rowsheall and katelyn, i keep trying to sleep and i cant stop thinking about you girls. I dont know why, but i am praying for you and your family. I hope you had a fun and safe 4th of july. Funny how no matter how many years go by without you girls here, the harder its getting to keep going on with my life. I feel guilty yet hopeful that you girls wont be mad at me for continuing with my life i feel i was born to live. That being living as a mother. Though i feel i am failing as one from time to time, probably cause of what happened with the state and our case, even though i know i did everything i physically could do and it wasnt good enough. I thought going on with my life would make the fact that you both are away from me go by easier, but i have to say this is better than the life i found myself in shortly after you were court ordered a life without me in it. I no doubt would of died on that path i was on. One thing i have learned about life is life is how you react~Rabeka JO

Had a moment to email you girls...dont know why but i am missing you sooooo muchc right now
~Rabeka JO~

Hey baby girls, I know by the time you read this you wont be babies no more but you will always be my babies. Ok so I been hanging out with girls around your ages now...and I have to say I cant believe how big you girls must be and wow how smart you must be getting...I hope you enjoy math like I did growing up...anyways baby girls...I been thinking about you a whole lot and my new years resolution is to write more often so whenever I get a chance to text a message to your blog here I am going to take that opportunity...that reminds me I hope you spell better than I do l lol. I love you both and miss you so much...wish I could hug you and kiss you again sooner than later. I pray for you girls every chance I get. Big hugs and kisses! Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Sincerely, your loving birth mom,
~Rabeka Jo (F) D

Well today I was going through boxes and came across the envelope that has Katelyn's first hair cut...sorry dont have Rowshealls cause that psycho baby sitter did it without my permission and didn't save any of it for me...or offer it to me or anything...I also found a plate, some hats, some noise blowers, and some cups from Rowshealls Third Birthday with the reciepts of all I got for you on that day...sadly though the mice chewed through part of them...and chewed up a whole picture Rowsheall drew for me...I was really upset from this...I still have the hand prints of both you girls and the foot and hand cut out in the shape of a raindeer dispite the google eyes missing the nose is still sort of intact...I think Rowsheall made it for christmas...Anyway...I also have a few other things that I have stashed away that were your girls...and I pull them out from time to time and remember you during my memorial moments I sometimes go through when I miss you so much.

As you know your grandmother passed away Sally...her birthday was the 18th well her would be birthday...and now I know how it must feel for you girls at least I hope you feel about me being out of your lives...I know that sounds conceited but I really do hope you miss me as much as I miss you sometimes if not all the time...like the way I do you both...I just hope this pain eases up as the years pass...but find its only getting harder and harder with each passing birthday...the other day I realized Rowsheall must be in 4th grade by now...and Katelyn should be in 2nd or 3rd? WOW thats big girls I have out there somewhere...

Anyway I thought I would send you a note about today and how I had found that stuff...I love you girls so much! I miss you each and every day! every waking hour!

I can't wait to see and hold you again!

Sincerely,

Your birthmother,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

Baby girls i just went through my photo album of you girls and i cried so hard. I miss you both so much! I just thought i would show you me on a memorial night where i remember everything about what happened and how it all happened etc. bottom line is girls i do think of you often and now that i have a qwerty phone i think i will be able to post more often life permiting at least. As you know my life just keeps going up and down and then really far down. But i just keep truckin along waiting for my rainbow to apear when my rays of sunshine return to my loving arms (you girls). Well sweethearts mommy needs to head to bed early cause your brothers get up early and your daddy johnny needs his sleep since he works third shift now days. I love you both so much and i am so sorry i let you down. I hope i can make it up to you someday. In loving care, your birth mother, Rabeka Jo (F) D p.s. sorry the picture didn't come through but I will try to get it up on here soon

Dear Rowsheall,

Wow your 10? How time flys and to think we only have 8 more years til your old enough to come find me and find out I love you more than anything I just can't wait!

Well sorry I have an update that isn't happy. Not sure if I posted about it yet. But you Grandmother Sally died Jan. 19, 2009. She loved you two girls so much and it hurt me that she didn't get to see you before she left this world. But we all will be gathered someday and will know eachother, and that day will be glorious.

Anyway, I hope you have a happy birthday sweetheart I miss you so much...and love you so much...I do think of you often and I always promise to write more on here but I get busy with life and stuff I have been doing a fund raiser to raise money for Congenital Heart Defect research through childrens heart foundation web site...and so far I have $150.50 so I am excited! I been doing lives shows on blogtv as froginmythroat and trying to raise money that way and its been going pretty good just not as quick as I thought it would.

Anyway, I will talk to you later sweetheart and look forward in seeing you again someday hopefully sooner than later.

Sincerely,

Your Loving Birth Mother,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

P.S. Katelyn I love you so much and miss you so much too sweetheart and can't wait to see you both sooner than later.

(this was an email I sent to family and friends and thought I would include you so you know when grandma got on hospice and what went on) My mom went into hospice today around 4pm her tolerance to the pain is non-existent and cannot take it any longer. She will be there for a few days to a week depending on finding a medication that works to keep her comfortable during her last days here on earth. Their Job is to make her comfortable. They haven't given a time line to expect her to live without treatments to fight the skin cancer. But I am sure it won't be long, since she has given up cause she cannot take it any longer. I pray she does fight a little longer. But the doctors have given up hope to treat her anymore and they won't be progressing her any longer with scans to see how far the skin cancer has gone etc. They just handed her over to hospice and are through with treatments of the cancer. They believe the Chemo from this last time has caused nerve damage in her face and that is what is causing her facial pain. The numbness in the chin and now up just past her lip crease is now numb too is like Novocain when its totally numb but trying to start to come back so its painful part of that Novocain wearing off type feeling in her chin and up past her right crease in her lip....her lip is burning and hurting as well...she is numb so numb she finds herself drooling and when she attempted to eat tonight found her food trying to escape the hole in her mouth. The pain shoots back to her ear and behind her ear and up under her jaw on that right side as well as in the temporal area on up over her eyebrow...but its only existent on her right side which is just weird. That's where her skin cancer has been found. It has spread into her liver as well. They also found a speck of something in her Cerebellum area of her brain but too small to know what it is. So its also in her pelvic bone, her butt, her collar bone, her chest wall, still in her lymph node under her right arm pit, and in her neck. Since its in her liver, its just a matter of time for it to start to shut down and then move on to other big organs. So their job is to make the pain tolerable. She is on a high concentrate of morphine that is dispensed into fatty area of her left arm which the pump will administer 200mg throughout the time span of 3 hours I believe that's what she said and every 30 minutes my mom can press a button to receive a double dose of morphine. It will not allow her to press it until 30 minutes is up so its a safety feature that will keep her from Over Dosing herself. But it will record how many times she presses the button between the 30 min. intervals to tell doctors if they need to up doses or lower doses or add additional medications to manage her pain better. During her stay at the hospital they are monitoring her and see how these medications effect her, and if they need to adjust or do something different. So its a good thing. She is such a homebody though that not even an hour after being there she was ready to go back home. After she is released from the hospital, they will move in a hospital bed into her home for her to sleep on, so that will help...she will also have a nurse coming out once or twice a week and a nurse on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week...so all we have to do is call when something is wrong and they will rush right over and take care of her. They will also have someone come out twice a week to bathe her and change her bedding and everything. So it is a great program and I am thankful for this program being available to help us help her through her last days here on earth. She has given up since the doctors have given up on her. They do not wish to keep track of the progress of the cancer. She feels they won't even treat her if she gets an ear infection or a tooth infection or anything, they are just done treating her all together, but I don't think they are that "done" with her, just they won't be giving her chemo anymore, she said they won't be doing blood tests anymore to keep track of her platelets so she won't know if she is deteriorating or not and I think this bothers her. She likes to know how things are going, and how long she has to live etc. Where the cancer has spread and all that too...so we may try to talk to the doctors to see if they could humor her and do them despite their rules and regulations and keep track of this as a medical study or some other reason they could come up with so they could pull it off, so she can know what she wants to know. She gave me permission to allow them to do an autopsy on her to learn from her when she is gone, so they can maybe help future cancer patients like her. Which I think is noble of her to say yes to. She does not wish for her picture to be taken when she is in her casket, because she had a picture of her grandma in her casket and it just haunted her all these years the image and she doesn't want anyone to have that image in their minds like her...I want to respect this wish, and I will, but not sure if I will pass this information onto the other grievers around me or not. Though I probably will when it comes down to it since she really don't want that. So Anyway, the road is almost over now. And I don't know really how I am going to take all this, but with all I have been through so far, I don't know what else would bring me to my knees...sometimes wonder if I even am living anymore myself. I feel so mindless, and numb. But the tears do still flow, which I haven't been able to tear up for a while now so that's a good thing I think. Anyway, I will talk to you later. Sincerely, Rabeka Jo P.S. Other than this bump in the road our Christmas was the best ever, I know that's weird to say after losing a baby girl, but she really opened my eyes to what I do have and I am so thankful for all I do have. This was the first Christmas I actually enjoyed and looked forward to. I will write more later...I am in a lot of pain from my face so I am going to try to sift through my emails and head to bed.

Well here come another Christmas holiday without you here with me...I picture you two so excited that Santa is coming to visit and setting out cookies and milk for Santa and Carrots for the Reindeer's...waking in the wee hours of the morning before the sun comes up to shine...spending time with your forever family, and happy. I wish I could be there with you to share these holidays with you all along with your birthdays and every time in between. But I can't and that breaks my heart. For some reason I had a thought enter my mind about you Rowsheall...did you know that you dad called you Critter and would play with your feet and elbows through my belly by tickling my belly making you move. Did you know that we almost named you Mesha Katrina Lyn Hetzel? That was one on the list. And I used to tell you Cigarettes were CaCa you actually tried to eat my cigarette butts once, and you were curious and at one time I let you take a drag and you threw up, I was young and dumb and shouldn't have done that, I just wanted to show you that it was caca so you would leave them alone...I look back and know that was wrong of me to do that...you learn from mistakes, thats life. So anyway, you and I were walking into walmart and there was mexican people in a group smoking and you pointed at them and said CaCa momma CaCa and I explained not you the cigarettes..cause they were about to jump me and hurt me bad...cause CaCa in spanish means S$#T so yeah it was not a good situation but I laughed about it later...When you were a new born baby we were in the check out line and you decided to fill your britches with a loud long fart and this woman infront of us turned around and gave me a dirty look and I said it wasn't me it was the baby and pointed to you and she rolled her eyes as if saying yeah sure blame it on the baby yeah right...lol me and Aunt Lisa laughed so hard over that one.... Katelyn you used to get so excited when I came into the room you would do this full body shake that won't EVER leave my mind and memories...your face would nearly turn red cause you were so excited. I didn't get to spend but 8 months with you before you were taken from my loving arms...but I did love you very dearly, I just had a lot on my plate and its no excuse for my off the wall behavior that made people concerned about you both. I don't blame them for being concerned but taking you away from me was far from what I needed. I needed someone to guide me in how to handle you two...not rip you away from me. I really wish I could do it all over again with the knowledge I have today, I would have done so many things different...if it meant I could keep you two with me. But I can't turn back time and undo the things I did and said that was taken out of context. I don't know if you remember the eeyore watch I wore that played "I'm Singing In the Rain" or not but I got a battery put into it and am wearing it in memory of you two. You both loved to push the button and I would sing "I'm Singing in the rain just singing in the rain what a glorious feeling I'm happy again Im singing again Im dancing again Im singing in the rain" and at the end of our visits I would do tickle time with you and tickle you two for a good while...then I would sing "You are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skys are grey you'll never know dear how much I love you please don't take my sunshine away" But the Judge took my sunshine away from me, and I have came a long way in my grief and your sister Josephine Kay has taught me a lot about loss, and how life does go on and I should be happy no matter what happens in my life. It makes me stronger with each experience. I am so strong from all I have been through, and I hope and Pray everyday and thinking of you every waking hour...I wish I could hold you again, but know there is reasons I don't understand why we are apart...I pray you both are happy with your new family. I hope the case workers are right about you both as well as your foster mom Jan...that you look at my pictures and say "Mommy Beky" Which I don't like the name Beky but I sure let you guys call me that cause you are my baby girls. You two are the ONLY people I allow to call me Beky ;) I love you both so very much and think of you often and miss you more and more each day. I hope when you find this blog you realize how much I do love you and miss you and know that my broken record of posts that say this over and over are truely meant and I can't seem to say it enough. I will look forward in seeing you someday soon and being able to hold you in my loving arms again. Your brothers are getting better with their behaviors though Jack is starting to pick up on Dylan's previous behaviors, I Hope he will grow out of that soon. Your grandma Sally Frantz is still fighting her Skin cancer but its not looking very promising, her chin is numb on one side and the Doctor did a CT scan but didn't tell her anything yet about the findings, guess he don't want to ruin the holidays for her...I don't know...I hope its not bad...I really need to write to your parents and get pictures so she can see you two before she leaves this world...I love you all and I want you to know her...she took care of you while I was in the psych ward during my mental breakdown...and she did a great job...and Katelyn you loved her so much...it breaks my heart that you will lose her and not know it til you come to find me...cause she means so much to you both or she did at least when you were 8 months and 2 years old. Anyway, I will talk to you both later, I sure do think of you often, but don't write so its hard to believe that, I am really trying hard to write more often so I can show you how much I do think of you...I just am so busy with everything going on right now with your sister Josie's death. And trying to arrange for her ashes to be placed one on the mantel and one in a grave and a few ashes spread in the hole where her tree is planted... So I will talk to you both later, I love you so very much and miss you teribly I can't hardly wait to see you again. Merry Christmas Baby girls! Hope you get all that you want from Santa this year :) Sincerely, Rabeka Jo (F) D

(this is a letter I sent to family and friends to keep them updated on things just thought you may want to know about it) I got a letter stating they changed the way donated to science bodies are taken care of and offer to have the ashes returned to the loved ones! So I get to have my baby girl back! I am so excited I had to share! I am so excited! Not sure what we are going to do, keep them for display, spread ashes, bury them, or all three who knows! I just am so excited I can't stop being happy! Of course a plaque for a grave will be costly but my family already has said they want to help do something for us so hopefully that can help pay towards a marker of some sort if its not enough I am going to make and sell purses (I crochet them) and hopefully that will raise enough money for us to pay for the marker in the end. Whether its 10 bucks a month I think they will be happy with whatever we can come up with from month to month til its paid off! :) I am so happy! I can even have a service for her if I want to and its all free and the plot of land is free and I think the bury of the ashes is free too so all we have to pay for is the marker yay! I am so happy!!!!!! Ok thank you for listening to my good news! Have a happy as you can day! Sincerely, Rabeka Jo -- STOP E-MAIL ADDRESS HARVESTING Protect your family and friends! PLEASE USE "BCC" when sending to multiple addresses! PLEASE DELETE ALL E-Mail ADDRESSES WHEN FORWARDING FROM ANOTHER LIST!! Send your condolences through guestbook signings here for our baby girl we lost thank you: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/babyjosiekay And here is the memorial picture slide show on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZU14IOSA6I look at the more from Rabeka Jo and watch the thank yous and baptism video. Thanks.

Well Baby girls, I don't have good news about your baby sister. She was born Sept. 2, 2008 and died Sept. 3, 2008. She was beautiful, but her problems were too great for her to handle and live through. So you have a little baby angel watching over you both. It actually hurts as much as it did when I lost you girls, only I am more comforted with losing her cause I know where she is and who she is with, God and Jesus up in Heaven (her second of slumber is already over). With you girls, I don't know where you are and who you are with and if you are taken good care of and the endless questions that won't be answered until we meet again whenever your family you have decides your old enough to come find me. Which I will be here waiting with open arms! I can't wait to see you girls again! I miss you both so much and I can't stop saying that over and over and over and over again with each post. I love you both so much too and again I can't stop saying that over and over and over again...cause I do and can't wait to tell this to your faces again. I used to sing "you are my sunshine" to you two. My mom sang "summertime" but didn't sing the part about your daddy being rich, cause that just wasn't going to happen cause he wouldn't keep a job. probably still can't keep one. Don't know don't see him anymore. thats your real daddy, I am speaking of the one who hurt your mommy physically and emotionally. Daniel the daddy I was dating that you met at our last few visitations, he was also a loser and I am so sorry I couldn't provide a good guy to serve as your daddy, I couldn't do it on my own. The Daddy I have now would have been the perfect guy for the job, God has his reasons why we didn't meet before I lost you girls, and we won't know that till we finally get to see His face in Heaven. But my dear children I have a big feeling it has something to do with the family you are with now, and I feel full heartedly you are where you need to be and I am where I need to be. Finally I am at peace with it all. I forgive everyone who was involved with the case that sealed us permanently apart at least til your old enough to come find me. Tore my world apart for a great while. I finally though am really ok with it. I miss you and hope you are doing great and all that. I have my fears no doubt, but who don't? I just hand it over to God to have him watch over you both and keep you safe and guide the hearts and hands of all who were involved in our case and in your lives that you get the family you are supposed to be with. Talk to you soon sweeties I am going to have to get off here. I love you so very much and miss you tremendously. Sincerely, your loving birthmommy, Rabeka Jo F D (dob 5/1980)

Katelyn Marie, Happy 8th Birthday sweety! I love you and miss you so deeply. I hope you had a wonderful birthday and got all the presents you wanted this year. Your baby sister will be here next month sometime, she has problems though so she may not make it, but if she don't make it you will have one more angel looking over you and your sister. I love you sweety and miss you so much...I wish I could hug you and hold you just once a year and hold you for a long time. I am to get the form filled out again and get it noterized and sent to your adoptive parents so I can open communication again to write and request pictures of you girls so I can see you and see how big you are now and so that way your maternal grandmother can see you before she dies. Her cancer has spread, and the Chemo isn't doing much for it but we are hopeful it will start working soon. I will talk to you later sweety, I miss you and your sister dearly, please let Rowsheall know. Sincerely, Rabeka Jo F D your Birthmother (Dob 5/1980)

Dear Rowsheall Kailyn, Today I got to sing happy birthday to someone, my friends son's birthday was yesterday but we had a birthday party today. I miss you so much and wish I could see you today, or anyday for that matter. Every birthday you and your sister have, and every holiday that I really miss you guys on, I get your home video's out and watch them, I finally got them on DVD and plan to send them to your parents soon with a request for pictures. I have some news, I am pregnant again, due Sept. 12th, 2008. We are hoping its a girl this time so I can have one girl at home with me. I hope it helps with the loss of you two. I hope you had a great birthday and got everything you were hoping to get, and were surrounded by your loving family on your special day. I thought about and prayed for you and your sister all day today as I do everyday, even though I don't post I am thinking about you on here everyday, does not mean I don't cause I do, I don't think there is a passing moment without you two on my mind and heart. So I wanted to wish you a happy birthday and tell you my good news, and tell you I love you and miss you sooooooooo very much and my heart aches with your absence, I thought with each passing year it would become easier but its just not that way. I still cry throughout the day on and off, I still want to hold you one more time in my loving arms, and I want you both to be here with me full time. But you are where you are for reasons unknown to me, and you. But someday God will tell us our purpose for being apart for so long and we will fully understand His true plan for us. I love you and miss you very much and hope to see you sometime soon. Sincerely, your loving birthmother, Rabeka Jo D (F)

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn, I realized something today (cause a friend pointed it out to me) The courts wern't trying to keep you from me it was your dad and since I couldn't protect myself and you from him they had to make me look like a poor excuse for a human being so they could take you from me and HIM but mostly it was only about HIM he was and is a bad guy. He hurt mommy when I was pregnant with you Katelyn and he did some mean things to me Rowsheall before you were in my tummy and while you were in my tummy and after you were born. I put up with it as long as I could to keep you with your Daddy cause you loved him so much but it wasn't worth it. I really hope you understand that there is more to the story than meets the eye. I wasn't able to handle everything happening at the time and I was young and didn't have a clue as to what I was doing. God has his reasons for everything to be the way it is right now and I am finally seeing a little bit deeper reason as to why it all happened the way it did. It wasn't me it was your Dad and that gives me comfort cause that means I am not that bad of a person and I can do the things they didn't think I could and I am starting to turn my life really far around I was turned a bit but now I am really going full force ahead and getting my life in order and working on organizing my heart, mind, body, and house and soon I will be in a great state of mind and I can handle anything (at least I can hope). Ok I just had to share with you my findings today and thoughts for the day. I love you both so very much! I will talk to you later I promise thats my new years resolution is to write to you both more often. Sincerely, Rabeka Jo D (F) DOB 5-80 your loving birthmother

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn, Happy New Year and Merry Christmas babies...I miss you soooooo much, you probably will get tired of reading this over and over about how much I miss you but I really do...not a moment goes by that I don't think about you both....so many memories surround me in this house...in my head...and in my heart. I hope you got all that you wanted this year from Santa. I hope you think of me as I think of you. I really am going to write to your adoptive parents very soon cause I can't not get pictures of you girls before your grandmother dies. She so wants to see you before she leaves this world. It breaks my heart that I havent done it sooner...I promise the plain message will be in the mail very soon because I want you to be seen and enjoyed by your grandmother I think it would make her day and make her pass more easily. Her melanoma stage 3 has moved into her lungs at this point she is doing chemo and we don't know how well its taking yet but we should know by next week if the chemo is helping enough to convience the doctor that surgery to remove the lymph nodes under her arm is worth it or not. So please be praying for your Grandma Sally she loves you and misses you both as much as I do and thinks about you just as I do. We can't wait to see you again! I love you hope you got to bang pots and pans and put a puzzle together on new years eve and morning. That was our family tradition. We had a good one your brother Jack got scared though when we banged pots and pans he cried. Dylan was so thrilled staying up so late, and Daddy Johnny had fun too. I miss you love you so very much. I will talk to you both later. Sincerely, Rabeka Jo D (F) DOB 5-80 your birth mother

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn, Merry Christmas babies! well in 14 days at least...I miss you girls so much during the holidays it hurts something deep....I hope to see you some day soon...either in pictures or in person which ever the Lord allows. I can't wait to hold you in my arms again. You both must be getting so big! I can't even imagine what you look like or act like being 8 and 7 now...wow thats big.... I hope you get all that you want for Christmas and you get to see Santa and everything. I hope God lets you know I am thinking of you and missing you so much cause I do and I hope you don't forget me. I love you girls so much I will talk to you later though. Sincerely, Rabeka Jo D. (F.) 05-1980 your birthmother

Katelyn, I tried to post like I had promised but could not access the blogger account until now. Sorry honey I did think about you all day long and dreamed about how big you are getting and what all presents you got that day...I miss you and love you very much and cannot wait to see you again some day soon. Sincerely, Rabeka Jo D (Your birthmother d.o.b. 5-80)

Dear Rowsheall & Katelyn, It has been a while since I wrote. Katelyn's birthday is creeping up on me again. Well here is the scoop on your grandmother Sally. She has recurrent breast cancer stage 2b and her Skin cancer is stage 3 she is currently doing radiation and will be getting back on interferon after she completes her radiation therapy. But she is only going to go with these treatments until she loses Quality of life then she is going to stop and gain it back. She wants quality of life not quantity. She wants to see you girls and hold you girls, but she can't. I am not sure if she is going to make it out of this one but I am praying and handing it over to God so he can take care of it as he sees fit. I hope you get to meet her someday and see her and love on her...she really misses you both and loves you both, just as much as I do. I miss you guys so much! I have been doing better with my depression, but my stress is sky rocketed due to the circumstances with your grandma. I have now TMJ really bad and had to have jaw surgery where they flushed the joint out and got the inflammation out of the joint. My face has been suffering with pain, and a form of bells palsy, cause a nerve was pinched with the inflammation of the joint, which is better on the bells palsy, but the pain is still there if not more so. I have motivation though now and been getting a lot done with the house work today and here lately. I plan to do more and more each day and get a routine down pat and then work on things I wanna do....I can't wait to see you girls again I wanna hold you in my arms and never let go...I love you both so much and miss you so much! I need to go now but I will try seems every time I try to keep up something comes up and gets me busy again and prevents me from writing on here. I assure you though. I think about you every waking hour of each passing day and pray for you both and your new family too. I think I am nearing capability of writing a letter to your parents and requesting pictures of you girls along with anything else that they think is of interest to me and see what happens...I think I am strong enough now in case they deny my request it wont crush me to no end. So hopefully I will get to see you grow up to now through pictures they send me. I miss you love you. See ya soon! Sincerely, Your birth mother Rabeka Jo D (Dob 5/80) PS. if I don't get to post on the 15Th here: Happy Birthday Katelyn!!! Wow you are 7 years old! you must be getting so big and doing so many things that I wish I could be witnessing. I miss you and love you very much! I will talk to you later. much love

Happy 8TH Birthday Rowsheall!!! I miss you so much! I love you very much! I think about you all the time! I know it don't show on this blog but I really truthfully do. I watched the video of you on your 3RD Birthday party. I got you a bike, remember? And that Robot Dog remember that? And the Doctors kit remember how I wrapped all the pieces into separate wrappings to make it seem like you had more presents than not? I thought at the time the more presents I got you the more you would know I loved you. But in reality when you were opening all those, it was rather overwhelming and I am sorry for that, I just wanted you to feel like you had tons of presents from your mommy who loves you so very much. I really miss you, I can't picture you 8 years old now! Wow you must be getting so big! I hope you had a good birthday today and got all the presents you were wanting. I will be writing to your new mommy and daddy soon so I can at least see pictures of you and your sister Katelyn. If not more, I would love more, but I feel your parents won't think I deserve anything more than pictures. So once I write it will open the door to communication and they can find out that I do deserve more and will allow me to receive more. Maybe even be able to communicate with you when you decide you want to start writing me. I keep seeing girls your age, and think to myself no there is no way you could be that big and that mature! You are still Three years old in my mind, but you have to be that big and mature cause you can't stay 3 forever. I hope you are doing well in school and being nice to your sister and nice family I know God Blessed you with. I hope they are as good as I wish I could have been if I would have won the court hearings, and got the chance to prove that I would be fine if you just came home to me. But that didn't happen and I am sorry that I couldn't fight harder, I really shouldn't say that cause I tried as hard as I possibly could physically try. I hope you do understand when the day comes to share this blog with you. I have some bad news for you not meaning to ruin your birthday, but you should know. Your grandmother Sally F has been diagnosed with Skin cancer stage 3 and also she has Breast cancer again in the same side she had removed. I am not sure if she will be around by the time you do come home to be with me, but I will do my best to keep her strong and fight to see you again. She misses you both so very much! Life has been so very hard here lately and I have had hardly anytime to do much with this blog, and I am so sorry. I will write all the blog entries in your journal I am writing for you and your sister. All that are on here, and all that are on other blogs I am more active on, so you know that I did at least think of you that day cause I noted it in my blog entry. I love you so very much and I hope Grandma is around when you come home finally. I cannot promise anything though, it is in God's hands after all. And we are living in His time not ours. Your brothers are ornery as ever, but getting better. I still have yet to request help from super nanny, so maybe you will see me on that show someday. I just am waiting till I seriously cannot handle it anymore. I do need help, but its hard to get it when everyone is so busy around me. Anyway I hope you had a wonderful Birthday! I miss you! I love you! I can't wait to see you again! Sincerely, Your loving Birth Mother, Rabeka Jo D (dob 5-1980)

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn, I am trying to write to your adoptive parents, the words are hard to come by though. I don't know how to ask them for pictures of you girls without sounding heartless or too informative. I don't want to overwhelm them with my first letter, but I want them to know that I deserve pictures of you girls. I am getting my counselors help with it. So hopefully soon I will write to them and at least get to see your smiling faces again. I love you and miss you both very much. I think about you both every waking hour. I Love you very much. Even though I have two new baby boys, they do not replace you. There is a huge hole in my heart where you two belong. I can't wait to be able to hold you in my arms again. Talk to you soon. I plan to write more often. Just havn't found the time sorry. I do think of you often just because I don't post on here it doesn't mean I don't think about you nor love you...I do more than you will ever know. Sincerely, Your Loving Birth mom Rabeka Jo (f) D 5-1980

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn, I miss you all so very much and I cant seem to say that enough. Im still trying hard to write the letter to your parents, but still cant seem to find the right words...I really want to write them but I just cant keep it short and simple and sound professional cause that isnt me at all. So Ive been trying to put my heart out on a limb and get my heart into the letters and so far Ive gotten a long one just gotta downsize it a bit so I can send it and not overwhelm them too much with my jabbering letter. Anyways I miss you so much I got some angel cherubs and painted them to look like you two...blond with brown eyes and brown hair with blue eyes....they are beautiful I think just as you...and I plan on talking with these angels when I miss you. It helps believe it or not...its kind of like a tomb stone for a mourning survivor. Anyways I love you guys so much. Sincerely, Your loving biological mother, Rabeka Jo (f) D 5-1980

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn, Your new brother Jack Elliott was born Sept. 2005 and was 8lbs 1.5oz and 21 inches long. Your other brother Dylan Jacob doesnt know what to think just like you Rowsheall when I had you Katelyn. I find myself in familiar ground but this time Im trying hard not to relive history and loose these two new additions to my family as I lost you two cause I failed to be strong and fight harder than I could physically stand. I stressed hard when I was fighting for you girls and I fought as hard as I could. Im sorry I couldnt get over everything I had faced all at once within the 15 months that I was allowed to get my life together. I was battling new things while trying to over come the past and it was a very emotional and physically draining time in my life when you two were taken from me. I am so sorry I didnt win. I wish I could go back and change quite a few things. Of course thats why they say that knowing what the out come would be is 20/20...and there aint nothing I can do about it. Im trying hard to write a letter to your adoptive parents right now but I cant get the words right, Im trying not to seem too overwhelming and Im requesting pictures of you girls cause I got the ok from topeka. But like I said finding the right words is hard for me. I want to tell them everything that happened but dont want to overwhelm them with the truth. Truth hurts and I dont want them to feel like they have stolen goods, as you two in my heart I feel are. I really want to get your pictures so I can make scrap books and keep up on everything that has happened and does happen in your lives so I can feel apart of it even only from a distance. I miss you two so very much and wish I could hold you in my arms each waking moment of my life here without you. I hope you can feel the extra squeezes I give your brothers cause those are for you two. I miss you two so very much. Since I started to write this and saved it in drafts I just now am finishing it after your youngest brothers first birthday. Sorry it took me so long to finish it but life got busy...very busy...with Dylan and Jack constantly needing my attention...and me facing so much of the same things as I did with you...I am now more educated than I was back in the day when you were with me. Thats all I needed back then and I got you guys taken from me...no guidance...just up and taken from me. Oh well you probably have a better life than I could have ever given you. I love you girls so much and wish you were with me but in my heart I hope and pray you are in a better place than you would be with me. Everything happens for a reason even though we cant see it in the moment there is always an ending to it all and looking back it will make sense why we had to be apart so long. I love you and think of you often and will continue to think about you and pray for you and love you each and every waking hour of my life. Sincerely, Your loving birth mother, Rabeka Jo D

Rowsheall in the ball pit on her 3rd birthday party

Rowsheall my little head banger

Rowsheall at the baby shower

Rowsheall four months old

Grandma Sally and mommy and Katelyn and Rowsheall on Christmas 

Rowsheall and Katelyn and mommy on Christmas with their leap frog toys she got them

Rowsheall and Katelyn and mommy on Christmas with their leap frog toys she got them 

Rowsheall on her 3rd birthday saying I love you in sign language

Rowsheall and great grandma Delphine and great aunt Jeanee

Rowsheall with chucky cheese she didnt know what to think of him

Rowsheall at chucky cheese in the ball pit on her 1st birthday

Rowsheall and mommy at the hospital

Rowsheall and Mommy at the hospital

Rowsheall and Katelyn on our last visit together doing our routine tickle time 

Rowsheall at her 3rd Birthday party throwing a ball at me

Rowsheall at her 3rd Birthday party

Katelyn when we first brought her home

Katelyn my computer geek just like mommy

Katelyn in the ball pit at McDonalds at Rowshealls 3rd birthday party

Katelyn was the groom, Rowsheall was the bride and I was the dancer that ran away with the groom for our first halloween together as a family 

Katelyn and Rowsheall saying cheese at Rowsheall's 3rd birthday party 

This is my mom Sally and Rowsheall

These are my two angels on the last day I saw them