And i miss you so much and wish i wasnt robbed from watching you girls grow up. But i was and am. Talk to you later. Love you both sincerely,
~Rabeka JO
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So life is not only what you make it but also how you react to it all...i have been reevaluating my reactions to whats happened in my life and many things i could of reacted differently to...but i will never regret showing how devistated i was when i lost you girls in court. But i do regret not showing emotions on our last visitation...even though it would have ended our visit that much sooner...i should have not faked it like it didnt matter to me...cause it did matter the world to me. You girls were my sunshine and as tha song e sang to you girls says please dont take my sunshine away. But they did and i was in the dark for a while not knowing where to turn...what to do without you there with me giving me reason to get up in the morning and go to work each day etc. I really love you both very very very much! -), 8 '8++ 697 +9 :346 '7_# -), 28+# 8 2-+)5 49((3, %49' 2-5_#8)$ 697 $84?+ $492 70" (75 8 2-+ -), -'" 5-?! To you later. Love you both sincerely, any times
~Rabeka JO
p.s. look in another post for the jumbled letters and numbers and symbols thing...I corrected it later
Dear rowsheall and katelyn, i keep trying to sleep and i cant stop thinking about you girls. I dont know why, but i am praying for you and your family. I hope you had a fun and safe 4th of july. Funny how no matter how many years go by without you girls here, the harder its getting to keep going on with my life. I feel guilty yet hopeful that you girls wont be mad at me for continuing with my life i feel i was born to live. That being living as a mother. Though i feel i am failing as one from time to time, probably cause of what happened with the state and our case, even though i know i did everything i physically could do and it wasnt good enough. I thought going on with my life would make the fact that you both are away from me go by easier, but i have to say this is better than the life i found myself in shortly after you were court ordered a life without me in it. I no doubt would of died on that path i was on. One thing i have learned about life is life is how you react~Rabeka JO
Had a moment to email you girls...dont know why but i am missing you sooooo muchc right now ~Rabeka JO~
Hey baby girls, I know by the time you read this you wont be babies no more but you will always be my babies. Ok so I been hanging out with girls around your ages now...and I have to say I cant believe how big you girls must be and wow how smart you must be getting...I hope you enjoy math like I did growing up...anyways baby girls...I been thinking about you a whole lot and my new years resolution is to write more often so whenever I get a chance to text a message to your blog here I am going to take that opportunity...that reminds me I hope you spell better than I do l lol. I love you both and miss you so much...wish I could hug you and kiss you again sooner than later. I pray for you girls every chance I get. Big hugs and kisses! Xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxo Sincerely, your loving birth mom,
~Rabeka Jo (F) D
Well today I was going through boxes and came across the envelope that has Katelyn's first hair cut...sorry dont have Rowshealls cause that psycho baby sitter did it without my permission and didn't save any of it for me...or offer it to me or anything...I also found a plate, some hats, some noise blowers, and some cups from Rowshealls Third Birthday with the reciepts of all I got for you on that day...sadly though the mice chewed through part of them...and chewed up a whole picture Rowsheall drew for me...I was really upset from this...I still have the hand prints of both you girls and the foot and hand cut out in the shape of a raindeer dispite the google eyes missing the nose is still sort of intact...I think Rowsheall made it for christmas...Anyway...I also have a few other things that I have stashed away that were your girls...and I pull them out from time to time and remember you during my memorial moments I sometimes go through when I miss you so much.
As you know your grandmother passed away Sally...her birthday was the 18th well her would be birthday...and now I know how it must feel for you girls at least I hope you feel about me being out of your lives...I know that sounds conceited but I really do hope you miss me as much as I miss you sometimes if not all the time...like the way I do you both...I just hope this pain eases up as the years pass...but find its only getting harder and harder with each passing birthday...the other day I realized Rowsheall must be in 4th grade by now...and Katelyn should be in 2nd or 3rd? WOW thats big girls I have out there somewhere...
Anyway I thought I would send you a note about today and how I had found that stuff...I love you girls so much! I miss you each and every day! every waking hour!
I can't wait to see and hold you again!
Sincerely,
Your birthmother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Baby girls i just went through my photo album of you girls and i cried so hard. I miss you both so much! I just thought i would show you me on a memorial night where i remember everything about what happened and how it all happened etc. bottom line is girls i do think of you often and now that i have a qwerty phone i think i will be able to post more often life permiting at least. As you know my life just keeps going up and down and then really far down. But i just keep truckin along waiting for my rainbow to apear when my rays of sunshine return to my loving arms (you girls). Well sweethearts mommy needs to head to bed early cause your brothers get up early and your daddy johnny needs his sleep since he works third shift now days. I love you both so much and i am so sorry i let you down. I hope i can make it up to you someday. In loving care, your birth mother, Rabeka Jo (F) D p.s. sorry the picture didn't come through but I will try to get it up on here soon
Dear Rowsheall,
Wow your 10? How time flys and to think we only have 8 more years til your old enough to come find me and find out I love you more than anything I just can't wait!
Well sorry I have an update that isn't happy. Not sure if I posted about it yet. But you Grandmother Sally died Jan. 19, 2009. She loved you two girls so much and it hurt me that she didn't get to see you before she left this world. But we all will be gathered someday and will know eachother, and that day will be glorious.
Anyway, I hope you have a happy birthday sweetheart I miss you so much...and love you so much...I do think of you often and I always promise to write more on here but I get busy with life and stuff I have been doing a fund raiser to raise money for Congenital Heart Defect research through childrens heart foundation web site...and so far I have $150.50 so I am excited! I been doing lives shows on blogtv as froginmythroat and trying to raise money that way and its been going pretty good just not as quick as I thought it would.
Anyway, I will talk to you later sweetheart and look forward in seeing you again someday hopefully sooner than later.
Sincerely,
Your Loving Birth Mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
P.S. Katelyn I love you so much and miss you so much too sweetheart and can't wait to see you both sooner than later.
(this was an email I sent to family and friends and thought I would include you so you know when grandma got on hospice and what went on)
My mom went into hospice today around 4pm her tolerance to the pain is non-existent and cannot take it any longer.
She will be there for a few days to a week depending on finding a medication that works to keep her comfortable during her last days here on earth. Their Job is to make her comfortable. They haven't given a time line to expect her to live without treatments to fight the skin cancer. But I am sure it won't be long, since she has given up cause she cannot take it any longer. I pray she does fight a little longer. But the doctors have given up hope to treat her anymore and they won't be progressing her any longer with scans to see how far the skin cancer has gone etc. They just handed her over to hospice and are through with treatments of the cancer.
They believe the Chemo from this last time has caused nerve damage in her face and that is what is causing her facial pain. The numbness in the chin and now up just past her lip crease is now numb too is like Novocain when its totally numb but trying to start to come back so its painful part of that Novocain wearing off type feeling in her chin and up past her right crease in her lip....her lip is burning and hurting as well...she is numb so numb she finds herself drooling and when she attempted to eat tonight found her food trying to escape the hole in her mouth.
The pain shoots back to her ear and behind her ear and up under her jaw on that right side as well as in the temporal area on up over her eyebrow...but its only existent on her right side which is just weird. That's where her skin cancer has been found. It has spread into her liver as well. They also found a speck of something in her Cerebellum area of her brain but too small to know what it is.
So its also in her pelvic bone, her butt, her collar bone, her chest wall, still in her lymph node under her right arm pit, and in her neck. Since its in her liver, its just a matter of time for it to start to shut down and then move on to other big organs.
So their job is to make the pain tolerable. She is on a high concentrate of morphine that is dispensed into fatty area of her left arm which the pump will administer 200mg throughout the time span of 3 hours I believe that's what she said and every 30 minutes my mom can press a button to receive a double dose of morphine. It will not allow her to press it until 30 minutes is up so its a safety feature that will keep her from Over Dosing herself. But it will record how many times she presses the button between the 30 min. intervals to tell doctors if they need to up doses or lower doses or add additional medications to manage her pain better. During her stay at the hospital they are monitoring her and see how these medications effect her, and if they need to adjust or do something different. So its a good thing. She is such a homebody though that not even an hour after being there she was ready to go back home.
After she is released from the hospital, they will move in a hospital bed into her home for her to sleep on, so that will help...she will also have a nurse coming out once or twice a week and a nurse on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week...so all we have to do is call when something is wrong and they will rush right over and take care of her. They will also have someone come out twice a week to bathe her and change her bedding and everything. So it is a great program and I am thankful for this program being available to help us help her through her last days here on earth.
She has given up since the doctors have given up on her. They do not wish to keep track of the progress of the cancer. She feels they won't even treat her if she gets an ear infection or a tooth infection or anything, they are just done treating her all together, but I don't think they are that "done" with her, just they won't be giving her chemo anymore, she said they won't be doing blood tests anymore to keep track of her platelets so she won't know if she is deteriorating or not and I think this bothers her. She likes to know how things are going, and how long she has to live etc. Where the cancer has spread and all that too...so we may try to talk to the doctors to see if they could humor her and do them despite their rules and regulations and keep track of this as a medical study or some other reason they could come up with so they could pull it off, so she can know what she wants to know. She gave me permission to allow them to do an autopsy on her to learn from her when she is gone, so they can maybe help future cancer patients like her. Which I think is noble of her to say yes to. She does not wish for her picture to be taken when she is in her casket, because she had a picture of her grandma in her casket and it just haunted her all these years the image and she doesn't want anyone to have that image in their minds like her...I want to respect this wish, and I will, but not sure if I will pass this information onto the other grievers around me or not. Though I probably will when it comes down to it since she really don't want that.
So Anyway, the road is almost over now. And I don't know really how I am going to take all this, but with all I have been through so far, I don't know what else would bring me to my knees...sometimes wonder if I even am living anymore myself. I feel so mindless, and numb. But the tears do still flow, which I haven't been able to tear up for a while now so that's a good thing I think.
Anyway, I will talk to you later.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
P.S. Other than this bump in the road our Christmas was the best ever, I know that's weird to say after losing a baby girl, but she really opened my eyes to what I do have and I am so thankful for all I do have. This was the first Christmas I actually enjoyed and looked forward to. I will write more later...I am in a lot of pain from my face so I am going to try to sift through my emails and head to bed.
Well here come another Christmas holiday without you here with me...I picture you two so excited that Santa is coming to visit and setting out cookies and milk for Santa and Carrots for the Reindeer's...waking in the wee hours of the morning before the sun comes up to shine...spending time with your forever family, and happy. I wish I could be there with you to share these holidays with you all along with your birthdays and every time in between. But I can't and that breaks my heart.
For some reason I had a thought enter my mind about you Rowsheall...did you know that you dad called you Critter and would play with your feet and elbows through my belly by tickling my belly making you move. Did you know that we almost named you Mesha Katrina Lyn Hetzel? That was one on the list. And I used to tell you Cigarettes were CaCa you actually tried to eat my cigarette butts once, and you were curious and at one time I let you take a drag and you threw up, I was young and dumb and shouldn't have done that, I just wanted to show you that it was caca so you would leave them alone...I look back and know that was wrong of me to do that...you learn from mistakes, thats life. So anyway, you and I were walking into walmart and there was mexican people in a group smoking and you pointed at them and said CaCa momma CaCa and I explained not you the cigarettes..cause they were about to jump me and hurt me bad...cause CaCa in spanish means S$#T so yeah it was not a good situation but I laughed about it later...When you were a new born baby we were in the check out line and you decided to fill your britches with a loud long fart and this woman infront of us turned around and gave me a dirty look and I said it wasn't me it was the baby and pointed to you and she rolled her eyes as if saying yeah sure blame it on the baby yeah right...lol me and Aunt Lisa laughed so hard over that one....
Katelyn you used to get so excited when I came into the room you would do this full body shake that won't EVER leave my mind and memories...your face would nearly turn red cause you were so excited. I didn't get to spend but 8 months with you before you were taken from my loving arms...but I did love you very dearly, I just had a lot on my plate and its no excuse for my off the wall behavior that made people concerned about you both. I don't blame them for being concerned but taking you away from me was far from what I needed. I needed someone to guide me in how to handle you two...not rip you away from me.
I really wish I could do it all over again with the knowledge I have today, I would have done so many things different...if it meant I could keep you two with me. But I can't turn back time and undo the things I did and said that was taken out of context.
I don't know if you remember the eeyore watch I wore that played "I'm Singing In the Rain" or not but I got a battery put into it and am wearing it in memory of you two. You both loved to push the button and I would sing "I'm Singing in the rain just singing in the rain what a glorious feeling I'm happy again Im singing again Im dancing again Im singing in the rain" and at the end of our visits I would do tickle time with you and tickle you two for a good while...then I would sing "You are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skys are grey you'll never know dear how much I love you please don't take my sunshine away" But the Judge took my sunshine away from me, and I have came a long way in my grief and your sister Josephine Kay has taught me a lot about loss, and how life does go on and I should be happy no matter what happens in my life. It makes me stronger with each experience. I am so strong from all I have been through, and I hope and Pray everyday and thinking of you every waking hour...I wish I could hold you again, but know there is reasons I don't understand why we are apart...I pray you both are happy with your new family. I hope the case workers are right about you both as well as your foster mom Jan...that you look at my pictures and say "Mommy Beky" Which I don't like the name Beky but I sure let you guys call me that cause you are my baby girls. You two are the ONLY people I allow to call me Beky ;)
I love you both so very much and think of you often and miss you more and more each day. I hope when you find this blog you realize how much I do love you and miss you and know that my broken record of posts that say this over and over are truely meant and I can't seem to say it enough.
I will look forward in seeing you someday soon and being able to hold you in my loving arms again.
Your brothers are getting better with their behaviors though Jack is starting to pick up on Dylan's previous behaviors, I Hope he will grow out of that soon.
Your grandma Sally Frantz is still fighting her Skin cancer but its not looking very promising, her chin is numb on one side and the Doctor did a CT scan but didn't tell her anything yet about the findings, guess he don't want to ruin the holidays for her...I don't know...I hope its not bad...I really need to write to your parents and get pictures so she can see you two before she leaves this world...I love you all and I want you to know her...she took care of you while I was in the psych ward during my mental breakdown...and she did a great job...and Katelyn you loved her so much...it breaks my heart that you will lose her and not know it til you come to find me...cause she means so much to you both or she did at least when you were 8 months and 2 years old.
Anyway, I will talk to you both later, I sure do think of you often, but don't write so its hard to believe that, I am really trying hard to write more often so I can show you how much I do think of you...I just am so busy with everything going on right now with your sister Josie's death. And trying to arrange for her ashes to be placed one on the mantel and one in a grave and a few ashes spread in the hole where her tree is planted...
So I will talk to you both later,
I love you so very much and miss you teribly I can't hardly wait to see you again.
Merry Christmas Baby girls! Hope you get all that you want from Santa this year :)
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
(this is a letter I sent to family and friends to keep them updated on things just thought you may want to know about it)
I got a letter stating they changed the way donated to science bodies are taken care of and offer to have the ashes returned to the loved ones! So I get to have my baby girl back! I am so excited I had to share! I am so excited! Not sure what we are going to do, keep them for display, spread ashes, bury them, or all three who knows! I just am so excited I can't stop being happy! Of course a plaque for a grave will be costly but my family already has said they want to help do something for us so hopefully that can help pay towards a marker of some sort if its not enough I am going to make and sell purses (I crochet them) and hopefully that will raise enough money for us to pay for the marker in the end. Whether its 10 bucks a month I think they will be happy with whatever we can come up with from month to month til its paid off! :) I am so happy! I can even have a service for her if I want to and its all free and the plot of land is free and I think the bury of the ashes is free too so all we have to pay for is the marker yay! I am so happy!!!!!!
Ok thank you for listening to my good news! Have a happy as you can day!
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
--
STOP E-MAIL ADDRESS HARVESTING
Protect your family and friends!
PLEASE USE "BCC" when sending to multiple addresses!
PLEASE DELETE ALL E-Mail ADDRESSES WHEN FORWARDING FROM ANOTHER LIST!!
Send your condolences through guestbook signings here for our baby girl we lost thank you: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/babyjosiekay
And here is the memorial picture slide show on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZU14IOSA6I look at the more from Rabeka Jo and watch the thank yous and baptism video. Thanks.
Well Baby girls,
I don't have good news about your baby sister. She was born Sept. 2, 2008 and died Sept. 3, 2008. She was beautiful, but her problems were too great for her to handle and live through. So you have a little baby angel watching over you both.
It actually hurts as much as it did when I lost you girls, only I am more comforted with losing her cause I know where she is and who she is with, God and Jesus up in Heaven (her second of slumber is already over). With you girls, I don't know where you are and who you are with and if you are taken good care of and the endless questions that won't be answered until we meet again whenever your family you have decides your old enough to come find me. Which I will be here waiting with open arms! I can't wait to see you girls again!
I miss you both so much and I can't stop saying that over and over and over and over again with each post. I love you both so much too and again I can't stop saying that over and over and over again...cause I do and can't wait to tell this to your faces again.
I used to sing "you are my sunshine" to you two. My mom sang "summertime" but didn't sing the part about your daddy being rich, cause that just wasn't going to happen cause he wouldn't keep a job. probably still can't keep one. Don't know don't see him anymore. thats your real daddy, I am speaking of the one who hurt your mommy physically and emotionally. Daniel the daddy I was dating that you met at our last few visitations, he was also a loser and I am so sorry I couldn't provide a good guy to serve as your daddy, I couldn't do it on my own. The Daddy I have now would have been the perfect guy for the job, God has his reasons why we didn't meet before I lost you girls, and we won't know that till we finally get to see His face in Heaven. But my dear children I have a big feeling it has something to do with the family you are with now, and I feel full heartedly you are where you need to be and I am where I need to be. Finally I am at peace with it all. I forgive everyone who was involved with the case that sealed us permanently apart at least til your old enough to come find me. Tore my world apart for a great while. I finally though am really ok with it.
I miss you and hope you are doing great and all that. I have my fears no doubt, but who don't?
I just hand it over to God to have him watch over you both and keep you safe and guide the hearts and hands of all who were involved in our case and in your lives that you get the family you are supposed to be with.
Talk to you soon sweeties I am going to have to get off here.
I love you so very much and miss you tremendously.
Sincerely,
your loving birthmommy,
Rabeka Jo F D (dob 5/1980)
Katelyn Marie,
Happy 8th Birthday sweety! I love you and miss you so deeply. I hope you had a wonderful birthday and got all the presents you wanted this year. Your baby sister will be here next month sometime, she has problems though so she may not make it, but if she don't make it you will have one more angel looking over you and your sister.
I love you sweety and miss you so much...I wish I could hug you and hold you just once a year and hold you for a long time.
I am to get the form filled out again and get it noterized and sent to your adoptive parents so I can open communication again to write and request pictures of you girls so I can see you and see how big you are now and so that way your maternal grandmother can see you before she dies. Her cancer has spread, and the Chemo isn't doing much for it but we are hopeful it will start working soon.
I will talk to you later sweety, I miss you and your sister dearly, please let Rowsheall know.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo F D your Birthmother (Dob 5/1980)
Dear Rowsheall Kailyn,
Today I got to sing happy birthday to someone, my friends son's birthday was yesterday but we had a birthday party today. I miss you so much and wish I could see you today, or anyday for that matter. Every birthday you and your sister have, and every holiday that I really miss you guys on, I get your home video's out and watch them, I finally got them on DVD and plan to send them to your parents soon with a request for pictures.
I have some news, I am pregnant again, due Sept. 12th, 2008. We are hoping its a girl this time so I can have one girl at home with me. I hope it helps with the loss of you two.
I hope you had a great birthday and got everything you were hoping to get, and were surrounded by your loving family on your special day. I thought about and prayed for you and your sister all day today as I do everyday, even though I don't post I am thinking about you on here everyday, does not mean I don't cause I do, I don't think there is a passing moment without you two on my mind and heart.
So I wanted to wish you a happy birthday and tell you my good news, and tell you I love you and miss you sooooooooo very much and my heart aches with your absence, I thought with each passing year it would become easier but its just not that way. I still cry throughout the day on and off, I still want to hold you one more time in my loving arms, and I want you both to be here with me full time. But you are where you are for reasons unknown to me, and you. But someday God will tell us our purpose for being apart for so long and we will fully understand His true plan for us.
I love you and miss you very much and hope to see you sometime soon.
Sincerely,
your loving birthmother,
Rabeka Jo D (F)
Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn,
I realized something today (cause a friend pointed it out to me) The courts wern't trying to keep you from me it was your dad and since I couldn't protect myself and you from him they had to make me look like a poor excuse for a human being so they could take you from me and HIM but mostly it was only about HIM he was and is a bad guy. He hurt mommy when I was pregnant with you Katelyn and he did some mean things to me Rowsheall before you were in my tummy and while you were in my tummy and after you were born. I put up with it as long as I could to keep you with your Daddy cause you loved him so much but it wasn't worth it. I really hope you understand that there is more to the story than meets the eye. I wasn't able to handle everything happening at the time and I was young and didn't have a clue as to what I was doing. God has his reasons for everything to be the way it is right now and I am finally seeing a little bit deeper reason as to why it all happened the way it did. It wasn't me it was your Dad and that gives me comfort cause that means I am not that bad of a person and I can do the things they didn't think I could and I am starting to turn my life really far around I was turned a bit but now I am really going full force ahead and getting my life in order and working on organizing my heart, mind, body, and house and soon I will be in a great state of mind and I can handle anything (at least I can hope). Ok I just had to share with you my findings today and thoughts for the day. I love you both so very much! I will talk to you later I promise thats my new years resolution is to write to you both more often.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D (F)
DOB 5-80
your loving birthmother
Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn,
Happy New Year and Merry Christmas babies...I miss you soooooo much, you probably will get tired of reading this over and over about how much I miss you but I really do...not a moment goes by that I don't think about you both....so many memories surround me in this house...in my head...and in my heart.
I hope you got all that you wanted this year from Santa. I hope you think of me as I think of you. I really am going to write to your adoptive parents very soon cause I can't not get pictures of you girls before your grandmother dies. She so wants to see you before she leaves this world. It breaks my heart that I havent done it sooner...I promise the plain message will be in the mail very soon because I want you to be seen and enjoyed by your grandmother I think it would make her day and make her pass more easily. Her melanoma stage 3 has moved into her lungs at this point she is doing chemo and we don't know how well its taking yet but we should know by next week if the chemo is helping enough to convience the doctor that surgery to remove the lymph nodes under her arm is worth it or not. So please be praying for your Grandma Sally she loves you and misses you both as much as I do and thinks about you just as I do. We can't wait to see you again!
I love you hope you got to bang pots and pans and put a puzzle together on new years eve and morning. That was our family tradition. We had a good one your brother Jack got scared though when we banged pots and pans he cried. Dylan was so thrilled staying up so late, and Daddy Johnny had fun too.
I miss you love you so very much.
I will talk to you both later.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D (F)
DOB 5-80
your birth mother
Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn,
Merry Christmas babies! well in 14 days at least...I miss you girls so much during the holidays it hurts something deep....I hope to see you some day soon...either in pictures or in person which ever the Lord allows. I can't wait to hold you in my arms again. You both must be getting so big! I can't even imagine what you look like or act like being 8 and 7 now...wow thats big....
I hope you get all that you want for Christmas and you get to see Santa and everything. I hope God lets you know I am thinking of you and missing you so much cause I do and I hope you don't forget me.
I love you girls so much I will talk to you later though.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D. (F.) 05-1980 your birthmother
Katelyn,
I tried to post like I had promised but could not access the blogger account until now. Sorry honey I did think about you all day long and dreamed about how big you are getting and what all presents you got that day...I miss you and love you very much and cannot wait to see you again some day soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D
(Your birthmother d.o.b. 5-80)
Dear Rowsheall & Katelyn,
It has been a while since I wrote. Katelyn's birthday is creeping up on me again. Well here is the scoop on your grandmother Sally. She has recurrent breast cancer stage 2b and her Skin cancer is stage 3 she is currently doing radiation and will be getting back on interferon after she completes her radiation therapy. But she is only going to go with these treatments until she loses Quality of life then she is going to stop and gain it back. She wants quality of life not quantity. She wants to see you girls and hold you girls, but she can't. I am not sure if she is going to make it out of this one but I am praying and handing it over to God so he can take care of it as he sees fit. I hope you get to meet her someday and see her and love on her...she really misses you both and loves you both, just as much as I do. I miss you guys so much!
I have been doing better with my depression, but my stress is sky rocketed due to the circumstances with your grandma. I have now TMJ really bad and had to have jaw surgery where they flushed the joint out and got the inflammation out of the joint. My face has been suffering with pain, and a form of bells palsy, cause a nerve was pinched with the inflammation of the joint, which is better on the bells palsy, but the pain is still there if not more so. I have motivation though now and been getting a lot done with the house work today and here lately. I plan to do more and more each day and get a routine down pat and then work on things I wanna do....I can't wait to see you girls again I wanna hold you in my arms and never let go...I love you both so much and miss you so much!
I need to go now but I will try seems every time I try to keep up something comes up and gets me busy again and prevents me from writing on here. I assure you though. I think about you every waking hour of each passing day and pray for you both and your new family too. I think I am nearing capability of writing a letter to your parents and requesting pictures of you girls along with anything else that they think is of interest to me and see what happens...I think I am strong enough now in case they deny my request it wont crush me to no end. So hopefully I will get to see you grow up to now through pictures they send me.
I miss you love you. See ya soon!
Sincerely,
Your birth mother
Rabeka Jo D (Dob 5/80)
PS. if I don't get to post on the 15Th here: Happy Birthday Katelyn!!! Wow you are 7 years old! you must be getting so big and doing so many things that I wish I could be witnessing. I miss you and love you very much! I will talk to you later. much love
Happy 8TH Birthday Rowsheall!!!
I miss you so much! I love you very much! I think about you all the time! I know it don't show on this blog but I really truthfully do.
I watched the video of you on your 3RD Birthday party. I got you a bike, remember? And that Robot Dog remember that? And the Doctors kit remember how I wrapped all the pieces into separate wrappings to make it seem like you had more presents than not? I thought at the time the more presents I got you the more you would know I loved you. But in reality when you were opening all those, it was rather overwhelming and I am sorry for that, I just wanted you to feel like you had tons of presents from your mommy who loves you so very much.
I really miss you, I can't picture you 8 years old now! Wow you must be getting so big! I hope you had a good birthday today and got all the presents you were wanting. I will be writing to your new mommy and daddy soon so I can at least see pictures of you and your sister Katelyn. If not more, I would love more, but I feel your parents won't think I deserve anything more than pictures. So once I write it will open the door to communication and they can find out that I do deserve more and will allow me to receive more. Maybe even be able to communicate with you when you decide you want to start writing me.
I keep seeing girls your age, and think to myself no there is no way you could be that big and that mature! You are still Three years old in my mind, but you have to be that big and mature cause you can't stay 3 forever.
I hope you are doing well in school and being nice to your sister and nice family I know God Blessed you with. I hope they are as good as I wish I could have been if I would have won the court hearings, and got the chance to prove that I would be fine if you just came home to me. But that didn't happen and I am sorry that I couldn't fight harder, I really shouldn't say that cause I tried as hard as I possibly could physically try.
I hope you do understand when the day comes to share this blog with you.
I have some bad news for you not meaning to ruin your birthday, but you should know.
Your grandmother Sally F has been diagnosed with Skin cancer stage 3 and also she has Breast cancer again in the same side she had removed. I am not sure if she will be around by the time you do come home to be with me, but I will do my best to keep her strong and fight to see you again. She misses you both so very much! Life has been so very hard here lately and I have had hardly anytime to do much with this blog, and I am so sorry. I will write all the blog entries in your journal I am writing for you and your sister. All that are on here, and all that are on other blogs I am more active on, so you know that I did at least think of you that day cause I noted it in my blog entry. I love you so very much and I hope Grandma is around when you come home finally. I cannot promise anything though, it is in God's hands after all. And we are living in His time not ours.
Your brothers are ornery as ever, but getting better. I still have yet to request help from super nanny, so maybe you will see me on that show someday. I just am waiting till I seriously cannot handle it anymore. I do need help, but its hard to get it when everyone is so busy around me.
Anyway I hope you had a wonderful Birthday! I miss you! I love you! I can't wait to see you again!
Sincerely,
Your loving Birth Mother,
Rabeka Jo D
(dob 5-1980)
Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn,
I am trying to write to your adoptive parents, the words are hard to come by though. I don't know how to ask them for pictures of you girls without sounding heartless or too informative. I don't want to overwhelm them with my first letter, but I want them to know that I deserve pictures of you girls. I am getting my counselors help with it. So hopefully soon I will write to them and at least get to see your smiling faces again.
I love you and miss you both very much. I think about you both every waking hour. I Love you very much. Even though I have two new baby boys, they do not replace you. There is a huge hole in my heart where you two belong. I can't wait to be able to hold you in my arms again.
Talk to you soon. I plan to write more often. Just havn't found the time sorry. I do think of you often just because I don't post on here it doesn't mean I don't think about you nor love you...I do more than you will ever know.
Sincerely,
Your Loving Birth mom
Rabeka Jo (f) D 5-1980
Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn,
I miss you all so very much and I cant seem to say that enough. Im still trying hard to write the letter to your parents, but still cant seem to find the right words...I really want to write them but I just cant keep it short and simple and sound professional cause that isnt me at all. So Ive been trying to put my heart out on a limb and get my heart into the letters and so far Ive gotten a long one just gotta downsize it a bit so I can send it and not overwhelm them too much with my jabbering letter.
Anyways I miss you so much I got some angel cherubs and painted them to look like you two...blond with brown eyes and brown hair with blue eyes....they are beautiful I think just as you...and I plan on talking with these angels when I miss you. It helps believe it or not...its kind of like a tomb stone for a mourning survivor. Anyways I love you guys so much.
Sincerely,
Your loving biological mother,
Rabeka Jo (f) D 5-1980
Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn,
Your new brother Jack Elliott was born Sept. 2005 and was 8lbs 1.5oz and 21 inches long. Your other brother Dylan Jacob doesnt know what to think just like you Rowsheall when I had you Katelyn. I find myself in familiar ground but this time Im trying hard not to relive history and loose these two new additions to my family as I lost you two cause I failed to be strong and fight harder than I could physically stand. I stressed hard when I was fighting for you girls and I fought as hard as I could. Im sorry I couldnt get over everything I had faced all at once within the 15 months that I was allowed to get my life together. I was battling new things while trying to over come the past and it was a very emotional and physically draining time in my life when you two were taken from me. I am so sorry I didnt win. I wish I could go back and change quite a few things. Of course thats why they say that knowing what the out come would be is 20/20...and there aint nothing I can do about it.
Im trying hard to write a letter to your adoptive parents right now but I cant get the words right, Im trying not to seem too overwhelming and Im requesting pictures of you girls cause I got the ok from topeka. But like I said finding the right words is hard for me. I want to tell them everything that happened but dont want to overwhelm them with the truth. Truth hurts and I dont want them to feel like they have stolen goods, as you two in my heart I feel are. I really want to get your pictures so I can make scrap books and keep up on everything that has happened and does happen in your lives so I can feel apart of it even only from a distance. I miss you two so very much and wish I could hold you in my arms each waking moment of my life here without you. I hope you can feel the extra squeezes I give your brothers cause those are for you two.
I miss you two so very much.
Since I started to write this and saved it in drafts I just now am finishing it after your youngest brothers first birthday. Sorry it took me so long to finish it but life got busy...very busy...with Dylan and Jack constantly needing my attention...and me facing so much of the same things as I did with you...I am now more educated than I was back in the day when you were with me. Thats all I needed back then and I got you guys taken from me...no guidance...just up and taken from me. Oh well you probably have a better life than I could have ever given you. I love you girls so much and wish you were with me but in my heart I hope and pray you are in a better place than you would be with me. Everything happens for a reason even though we cant see it in the moment there is always an ending to it all and looking back it will make sense why we had to be apart so long.
I love you and think of you often and will continue to think about you and pray for you and love you each and every waking hour of my life.
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D
Rowsheall in the ball pit on her 3rd birthday party 
Rowsheall my little head banger
Rowsheall at the baby shower
Rowsheall four months old
 Grandma Sally and mommy and Katelyn and Rowsheall on Christmas
Rowsheall and Katelyn and mommy on Christmas with their leap frog toys she got them
 Rowsheall and Katelyn and mommy on Christmas with their leap frog toys she got them
Rowsheall on her 3rd birthday saying I love you in sign language
Rowsheall and great grandma Delphine and great aunt Jeanee
Rowsheall with chucky cheese she didnt know what to think of him
Rowsheall at chucky cheese in the ball pit on her 1st birthday
Rowsheall and mommy at the hospital
Rowsheall and Mommy at the hospital
 Rowsheall and Katelyn on our last visit together doing our routine tickle time
Rowsheall at her 3rd Birthday party throwing a ball at me
Rowsheall at her 3rd Birthday party
Katelyn when we first brought her home
Katelyn my computer geek just like mommy
Katelyn in the ball pit at McDonalds at Rowshealls 3rd birthday party
 Katelyn was the groom, Rowsheall was the bride and I was the dancer that ran away with the groom for our first halloween together as a family
 Katelyn and Rowsheall saying cheese at Rowsheall's 3rd birthday party
This is my mom Sally and Rowsheall
 These are my two angels on the last day I saw them
Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn,
I pray each and everyday that your family you have now will listen to their hearts and come and find me before you are 18 maybe next year or something so I can at least watch you grow up through pictures that's the least I would ever want if I could have anything in the world of course the most is to have you back for always would be my ultimate wish but I know that is out of the question. I miss you two so much! I'm sure you two are getting so big. I saw a 5 year old the other day and I cant even imagine you Rowsheall being that age and I was watching our videos of birthday parties and I can't imagine you Katelyn being Rowsheall's age in these videos and pictures. I wish I could see you both it breaks my heart that I can't but the foster mom does sometimes.
This part is for your parents you have now: I know you are good Christian people and I am thankful for that, at least my girls are in God's hands more so with you two by their sides. I know you couldn't have your own kids probably and it broke your heart but my story isn't quite the fairy tale you think being a birth parent is. If something goes wrong in your life and you don't know where to turn and you have two children 17 months apart and the world as you know it is crumbling fast around you, that you feel there is no where to turn. After almost loosing your mother to breast cancer, the man you thought you loved and he loved you hit you after years of verbally bashing you so you left him, your grandmother who was like a second mother to you died, and your mother was drinking and suicidal saying things like "I'm worth more dead than alive" you were taking your younger sister to school and after school activities while having two children in toe, you are caring for your grandmother cause your mother is too drunk to do anything, you hardly have time to take care of yourself then your grandmother dies, that takes the cookie. You think the only way you can get your mother to quit drinking is to let her care for your children and let her drop one of them since that is what took her to quit the time before: she dropped your infant sister on a wood floor while she was drunk and never drank again. So you decide that maybe the way to go about doing this is to admit yourself into a local hospital to force your mother to care for your two children, only to find yourself on 7 different medications within two weeks and then released. You find that your case manager you have is an old friend from a church you used to attend and she takes you off a medication that they have to monitor with blood work other wise you could be in trouble, which suddenly you find yourself going more nuts than before so you re-check yourself back into the hospital. While all this is happening your mother is having trouble paying a babysitter to care for your two children while she works so the case manager and old friend suggests a friend from the church to watch the children for free and everything will be provided as in diapers wipes food and whatever else the children or your mother needs. God sent program called "the Guardian angel program" Prayers are answered help is there. Then when you get off all these medications you find yourself in a wired state of mind so you go to a friends house because you are out of cigarettes and you sit down to sift through their ashtray and find what you think is a filter-less cigarette but after lighting it you quickly realize its a roach from a previously used joint. YIKES that wasn't your intention. So you tell your friend and new found friend of your experience and then your boyfriend dumps you for another girl, then you find a new boyfriend and he moves into your apartment above your mother's garage and you find out he smokes some type of red powder you have no idea what it is so you leave because you don't want nothing to do with anything like drugs. Again you tell your trusted friends of the activities you witnessed thinking they may know what it was. Then you run into your ex abusers friend who blames you for not letting the abuser see his children so you agree to arrange a visitation in a public place so the children would be safe and you would be safe and call the babysitter. She claims the children are taking a nap right then but she would call you when they woke up. So everything is fine. You wait and wait and finally get a call but its your mother saying that the babysitter was all upset what did you say or do to make her that upset? All you did was ask if you could pick up YOUR children but if its that big of a problem tell her to forget you even asked. So NOW its over. You get another call its your trusted case manager and friend saying the same thing you tell her the same thing you told your mother and NOW its over. So you go out to eat with your ex abuser to talk about the children's home and why they haven't set up visitation yet. You are thinking everything is fine and perfectly normal. You get a third call and its a sheriff officer claiming your children have been placed in police protective custody. What?! What did the baby sitter do to your children?! OH MY GOD are they alright?! You will be notified of details in a few days through the mail they cant release any information at this time. What? Can't release information about your OWN CHILDREN?! Something is fishy here. You get the paper in the mail and the baby sitter is claiming you are on meth and marijuana?! What is METH? You wouldn't even know what to do with it if you got it. OK this is a cake walk you haven't smoked since that one day you accidentally took one drag off a filter less cigarette and surely its out of your system since it wasn't that much you didn't even hold it like you normally would have. So you go into the court house head held high assured you are going to walk out of there and go get your children then the court appointed attorney tells you that you shouldn't go in there they will rip you a new butt hole and parade their witnesses in front of the Judge and will win your children right then and there so you should sign this waver agreement which means that you are not prepared to go into court and would like to work with the court to get your children back and have a second chance to make things right. You walk away thinking this will be easy. They give you some court orders to complete first one on the list is a drug and alcohol evaluation ok easy enough you go down to a local drug and alcohol re-hab place not far from home walk in and ask about a drug and alcohol evaluation and they quickly get you in. They ask you a bunch of questions and say that you have no problems with drugs nor alcohol and you want documentation stating this. They can't release that sort of information to patients?! What?! OK well send it to your attorney here is his card. They said they would. So that is taken care of. Next on the list is Parenting classes ok call the children's home because that is where the Youthville people suggested you to go. You think that they would know what class you need to care for two children in such close ages so you go there. It don't seem like it would work with so young of children but you have to finish a parenting class soon so you can get other court orders taken care of. You find out it cost $150 for the class for you to get your certificate and you also enrolled in an anger management class because that was another court order and that is going to be $120 but you lost your job because they got tired of working around your schedule with court and court orders and classes that you needed to get your children back. OK easy enough, it cant be that hard to find a job can it? YES IT CAN you place an application in every help wanted sign that you see and call them daily but they already filled that position or they no longer need someone in that position so you are getting dead ends right after left. So you figure you could find a boyfriend who would want your children and support you and pay for all your court orders since you cannot find a job. You find yourself a man who falls in love with you and your children through pictures and he wants to help you get your children back but after your court hearing he realizes something that you don't. And that is you can't win but he fails to mention this to you. Your emotional roller coaster you are being taken through with the case workers saying you have everything in order and have everything is perfect for you to get your children back then go into court and say the opposite to the judge you figure that the newly found friends are back stabbers liars and over exagerators who take things way out of context to suit their needs and that is to win your children. But you continue to follow all their recommendations and get on medication that you don't really need cause your starting to get your mind together after a few months of being off medications all together. So now you have no boyfriend or financial support so you start looking again for a job you move into a friends house because they stated in court that you are co-dependent because you live with your mother. You can't find a job no where Sept. 11th hit and there was little to no jobs in your area. Then your car breaks down, the motor freezes you forgot to put oil in it you dummy. You end up having to pay some idiot to tell you that your car is broke completely and there is no way to get out of it so now you are s.o.l. with transportation. You meet a guy who seems to really like you and its a friend of this friend you were living with at the time. He wants to help you get your kids back then you find out he is married and he moves in and everything is cool. You quit worrying cause he is leaving his wife to be with you and to help you get your kids back. Then he ends up leaving you and going back to his wife after you find out he is a coke addict. Then you meet this new guy and he acts like your knight and shining armor. Since you cant work you need someone to support you financially and he seems like he wants to get your girls back. Even during visitations with your kids he tells them He loves them too. Then three weeks before you go to court to be either terminated or to win totally your kids back, he quits his job and plays games on the super Nintendo and claims he has plenty of time to find a new job. Then he don't get one and court comes and you loose your girls. Collapse outside the court room doors after looking to the sky and saying "Forgive them father for they know not what they do". You hyper ventilate from crying so hard outside those court room doors. You go to a local bar you know your boyfriend is at cause he knew what was going to happen that day cause he didn't get a job. He says he didn't want to raise "Bruce's kids anyway" and he wanted your undivided attention and not have to share your attention with two kids. You break off the relationship but he has to participate in the last visitation and you go and try to be as strong as you can cause this will be the last time you see your kids. You start to cry and the supervisor claims she is going to have to end the visit if you continue to show emotions like these. So you look all happy that your never going to see your kids again even though you hurt so bad and want to just take them home that very moment but cant. You tried your hardest and it wasn't good enough. You didn't deserve this but some how you believe maybe you didn't deserve to have kids. After the visitation your oldest throws a fit she wants to go home with you but you tell her your sorry she cant a man said that she had to go live with a new family, and there was nothing you could do or say to change his mind. You leave and you make your boyfriend leave the house and every waking hour from that day on you go down to a local bar and get drunk and stumble your way home cause you deserve to be miserable for the rest of your life cause you sure don't deserve to have kids and that was your only goal in life that was to have kids. So what's your purpose now? Who cares what happens to you now? You pray that one of the men up at the bar takes you somewhere out in the country and kills you. You pray you get hit by a car on the way home stumbling from curb to curb. Then you end up in a treatment facility and get out a month later and then relapse and end up back in treatment for two days get out and you are about to go out to the bar and your mom talks you into sticking around to meet the guy who is going to place a bid on the house that is for sale. You argue with your mom and then he arrives. Your eyes meet. You both cant keep your eyes off each other. You say "So, you buying this house for your wife and kids I suppose" and he says "actually I'm single and looking" and you say "Wow what a coo-wink-a-dink I am too" and he says "really? Would you like to go to dinner?" you say "Sure" and off you two go to dinner. He ends up buying your mothers house and you two end up going to a bar on your second date and you get drunk and he does too and you get in a wreck but don't get hurt and almost get away but the cops find you and send him to jail and you get to walk home a long distance in the rain (Feb. Cold) You get home and tell your mom that he would have to buy you 12 dozen roses and a big teddy bear for you to forgive him. The next morning you find a bouquet of 1/2 dozen roses with yellow flowers and baby's breath with a card that has a teddy bear on it, and decide its close enough and forgive him instantly. From that day forward you and him stopped drinking and were never apart except when he was at work of course. You get married 5 months later on 7/03 and then have a son 11/03 and are happy but still miss your two girls who you have a chance to get pictures of them. But you fear rejection so you don't write and don't write. You don't handle rejection about little things very well from strangers and this being personal and having to do with your kids you just don't know how you would react if you were rejected your request of receiving pictures of your girls. So you go to professionals for help to build courage or confidence or something that will help you do it so you can say at least you tried to contact the adoptive parents to be apart of the girl's lives while they were apart from you. Plus how do you ask a stranger for pictures of your own children without sounding like your ungrateful or rude or something that will definitely get you rejected. Now you are due to have another baby boy Sept. 2005 you were hoping for a girl so at least you could do her hair up and dress her up in dresses and stuff. But you got a sonogram it says boy. So maybe God didn't want you to have girls maybe he wanted you to have boys and the girls were meant for the family they are with now. You become at peace with it by looking at it this way. You reach out to the community for help with your son and son to be so you don't make the same mistake as you did with your girls. Your girls were 17 months apart and you were young but now you are older and the space between these two boys will be 22 months apart and that should make a big difference you hear. So you hope it will be fine. Just in case you have the resources available to you to not end up going crazy like you thought you were going crazy with the girls when it was the oldest that needed the help not you, come find out her behavior issues could have been helped, and it wasn't your fault that she was acting out towards her sister.
There you have it from then to Now. I hope it lets you know I been through a lot and am here loving those girls waiting for them to come home to me. Just because I moved on with my life doesn't mean I don't care. I have to have kids of my own cause I was born to have kids. I love kids too much to not have any of my own. Plus with out them I tend to get in more trouble than when I don't have them. They give me a reason to get up every morning. If I didn't have Dylan my son right now I probably would sleep all day long and do nothing at all. This way I get up every day and even clean house and do things I never did before. I found a site called www.flylady.net and it has helped me with getting my house organized and de-cluttered. I'm doing really good now just can't find that courage to write to you guys requesting pictures of my girls. I really wish I could cause I would love to see what they look like at age 6 and 4. I cant picture them older than 3 and 2 that was the last time I saw them. I placed the videos on DVD I plan to put them up on the computer and editing them and cutting out the obnoxious supervisor of the visits so I can enjoy them better, plus I want to pause some of the frames and save jpegs so I can have pictures I didn't have before. Anyway I am going to be getting into scrap booking and I'm planning on making a book of the pictures I already have of the girls, and hopefully I will get the courage to write to you two requesting pictures of the girls from the time they came to you until the date I finally write. I hope I will get this courage I lack soon. I really would like to see what my girls look like just because I want to know what they look like for therapeutic reasons not because I want to track them down. I hope you don't think that. I am at peace with the idea that they have you and will eventually come back to me. I wouldn't want to take them from you that would make it hard on the girls. All I would want is updates and pictures at the most. I wouldn't mind being pen pals with them when they are older, but that's totally up to you two on how involved you want me to be in the girl's lives. Thank you so much for taking such good care of them while I cant.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F)D
Ps. Girls I love you so very much and just because I don't write on here don't mean I don't write in a journal I have for you girls here at my place for when you do come home to me. I love you two and miss you so much and can't wait to see you again.
I will talk to you later.
Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn,
I know your name Rowsheall is changed now...I know that you two are with a loving family...I know that you are happy...I know you two are in good hands because God is in control...But everything that I stated above was told to me by the social worker who lied to me through out the termination process...So its hard for me to believe that...As far as that goes I am assuming you would be just as happy if not happier with me...And they can take their lies and shove them where the sun don't shine...I'm SO sorry that I didn't work harder even though it was my hardest and fastest I could physically do in my state of mind...They took my world and ripped it apart when they took you girls from me....It was hard most days to even get up out of bed but I did for you two...Because I was told I would get you two home with me in the end...Which was the biggest lie they told me...I Love you guys and just because I don't post a lot doesn't mean I don't think about you...I do every waking hour of the day...I don't want to wake up in the morning because I'm having a dream about you guys and holding you again...That's the only place where I can see you guys...It breaks my heart that it has to be this way...I am looking into finding a way to get you two home to me...Everything so far has been dead ends...But I wont give up...Like probably your new parents will tell you I gave you up or didn't try hard enough or what ever it is they fill your heads up with...I am trying and I did try my hardest...I'm sorry I didn't succeed...Their standards were too high and outrageous for me to comply obviously...I wish at least the new parents you have would at least send pictures or something to let me watch you two grow up...That's all I would ask if I couldn't get you back home with me...Or if you were truly happy where you are...Even still I don't know if I could walk away from you even if you were happy...I believe full heartedly you would be just as happy if not happier with me and your new Daddy Johnny and your brother Dylan...I pray everyday you come home to me sooner than later...And let God's will be done...I will understand if its God's will for you to be away from me...Maybe the family you have now can give you the things I always wanted to...Of course now I can give you these things and much more...And plus...I know they couldn't give you what I have...Which is my love I have for you two girls...I love you two so very much...And miss you each and everyday...I cant wait to see you again...
I will talk to you two later,
I think I should go to bed while your Brother is still asleep.
I love you Rowsheall and I love you Katelyn
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother
Rabeka Jo (F) D
ps.Mother's day was hard for me but I got through it. I thought about you two and cried alot all that day...wanting to hold you and hear the words "I love you momma" but of course you werent here and your brother cant speak yet...but hey maybe someday I will hear those words every day of my life for the rest of my life...anyway I thought you two should know I thought of you on that day...I love you talk to you later.
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