Hey baby girls. I'm thankful for giving birth to you two and your two brothers as well as thankful for your sister and brother who died. I'm thankful I have your new dad Johnny, and all he does for us.
I hope you had a wonderful thanksgivings day with your new family. We had a pretty good one here. I miss you girls so much it hurts but I know we are getting closer to time to be together again. My therapist is going to help me get things going with the communication between your parents and I hopefully soon. I hope to be able to at least see you girls grow up through pictures at least if not have communication with you two. I wonder if you girls have facebooks and what your doing at your ages. I hope your doing better emotionally than I have been.
Life hasn't exactly been easy for me but I'm learning to handle things differently it's just hard sometimes than others. I know God has led you girls where your supposed to be right now as well as where I am to be right now and for that I'm thankful too.
Anyways babies I love you and miss you every waking moment. Not one day goes by that I don't think about you two and wonder what you look like and who you have became.
If I had thought this is what my future held for me I really would wonder why I was to be dealt such fate. But since it just happened the way it did. I can learn from everything and be a better person that I was intended to be.
I miss you girls so much and look forward to the day we get to be together again.
Talk to you soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Your loving birth mother
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Monday, August 29, 2011
I drew this for you girls, I hope to have it in 6-7 years to give to you, its not very good but its hard drawing people especially those you love, cause its never good enough...but I had to just accept it and yep I am working past my perfection :-) I love you girls and I miss you so much :-) I look forward to seeing you in 6-7 years if not sooner I am ready when you and your parents are.
I love you very much I just thought I would share my picture I drew of you girls.
Sincerely, your loving birth mother
Rabeka Jo D (F DOB 5-1980)
Sunday, August 28, 2011
Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn,
Today back in 2002 was the last day I seen you two :-( and I feel the same as I did that day...absolutely devastated. After I left that day I left all will to live, you were my reason for living and they took that from me. But I regained it when I realized you may want to come find me later in your lives, which I am waiting opened armed for that day to come, I am counting down nearly the days till you become of age to come be with me again. I know you will be grown and will be on your own and possibly headed off to college by then, but I can hope we start a great mother daughter relationship then...I love you two so very much and miss you tremendously, I cannot say it enough. I really do, and that last visitation we thought we were recording the whole time but we weren't so all we had was the pictures the idiot counselor took who forced us to hold back tears and not show emotion that was term-oiling inside us the whole time we were with you for our last visit...and when you Rowsheall turned around to me and said "see you next week" as you always do and looked puzzled when I said no baby I won't see you next week I will see you when you turn 18 that really broke my heart completely. That look you gave me, you really wanted to come home with me, and I really wanted to bring you home with me too but the Judge just didn't see that my grass in my yard was green enough for you two girls to grow up the way they thought was best for you...which I am constantly questioning my abilities with your two brothers that are living with me now...but I know I deserve them, I know I am doing best I can...and thats good enough.
Anyways girls I just wanted you to know I will be thinking about you all day today missing you every moment throughout it just as I do everyday.
I love you two so very much and I can't wait to hold you again in my loving arms. What a Glorious day that will be! And I will be redeemed!
Sincerely,
your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F DOB 5 1980)
Today back in 2002 was the last day I seen you two :-( and I feel the same as I did that day...absolutely devastated. After I left that day I left all will to live, you were my reason for living and they took that from me. But I regained it when I realized you may want to come find me later in your lives, which I am waiting opened armed for that day to come, I am counting down nearly the days till you become of age to come be with me again. I know you will be grown and will be on your own and possibly headed off to college by then, but I can hope we start a great mother daughter relationship then...I love you two so very much and miss you tremendously, I cannot say it enough. I really do, and that last visitation we thought we were recording the whole time but we weren't so all we had was the pictures the idiot counselor took who forced us to hold back tears and not show emotion that was term-oiling inside us the whole time we were with you for our last visit...and when you Rowsheall turned around to me and said "see you next week" as you always do and looked puzzled when I said no baby I won't see you next week I will see you when you turn 18 that really broke my heart completely. That look you gave me, you really wanted to come home with me, and I really wanted to bring you home with me too but the Judge just didn't see that my grass in my yard was green enough for you two girls to grow up the way they thought was best for you...which I am constantly questioning my abilities with your two brothers that are living with me now...but I know I deserve them, I know I am doing best I can...and thats good enough.
Anyways girls I just wanted you to know I will be thinking about you all day today missing you every moment throughout it just as I do everyday.
I love you two so very much and I can't wait to hold you again in my loving arms. What a Glorious day that will be! And I will be redeemed!
Sincerely,
your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F DOB 5 1980)
Monday, August 15, 2011
Dear Katelyn,
Seriously 7 more years before you can come and see me again? and I see you? wow your 11 years old! thats unbelievable how time has flown by...I can't wait to see you and your sister! I love you so very much and even thought the 12th was your birthday by mistake and told your brothers they were excited that we are so close to you coming home to see us...We really can't wait to see you again!
I remember when you were born I had stated that Bruce (who at the time I believed was your father) didn't mean to hit me...but he did...that was the one shot wonder drug that they gave me talking...I looked at you and was so amazed by how perfect you were just as with all my children...how perfect you all were...I loved you so very much...and still do...and its been hard these last 9 years...I still cry when I talk about our case and what the state did to our family...but there is nothing I could do now to change it...and if I could I would let you decide what you wanted to do...I know you have grown to love your forever family...you might go through a bout of hate and rebellion towards them as some teens do but not all teens...your Aunt Jami didn't :-) and you might think living with me would be so much better than living with them because they are so unfair or whatever just cause they have your best interest at heart...I assure you living with me wouldn't be much different accept that not both parents work in this home...just the daddy...and mommy isn't all fun and games...though if I had you guys at home I really don't know what I would be...I wouldn't be depressed I am sure of that...cause I would be complete I know that...but I really don't know what that looks like any more...
I love you so very much I hope you got everything you hoped you would get today...and more...I remember how excited you would get when I entered the room to pick you up...you did a full body quiver and straighten your arms and legs and open your eyes wide and blow out flat tight lips out of excitement...mainly I remember you doing this in your peter rabbit snow coat on...I love you so very much Katelyn I am so sorry I failed you and your sister I really truly am...but I assure you I didn't do what was accused of being done...no matter what anyone tells you know this is the truth...I really didn't do the things they thought I was doing and half way proved I was doing which was Meth...they told me day before they took a home drug screen that I needed to get off the flexeril asap cause it comes up positive on their home drug screens as meth...so they got that positive UA and won you guys cause I couldn't fight it...and for that I am so sorry I really wish I hadn't taken any medications over the counter or prescribed...EVER in my life...cause then all this mess wouldn't have happened...and we would still be together...
Anyway I love you so very much :-) I really do miss you so very much and can't wait to see you again!...I can't say it enough!
Talk to you later.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D (F) (D.O.B. 05-1980)
your loving birth mother who won't EVER forget
Seriously 7 more years before you can come and see me again? and I see you? wow your 11 years old! thats unbelievable how time has flown by...I can't wait to see you and your sister! I love you so very much and even thought the 12th was your birthday by mistake and told your brothers they were excited that we are so close to you coming home to see us...We really can't wait to see you again!
I remember when you were born I had stated that Bruce (who at the time I believed was your father) didn't mean to hit me...but he did...that was the one shot wonder drug that they gave me talking...I looked at you and was so amazed by how perfect you were just as with all my children...how perfect you all were...I loved you so very much...and still do...and its been hard these last 9 years...I still cry when I talk about our case and what the state did to our family...but there is nothing I could do now to change it...and if I could I would let you decide what you wanted to do...I know you have grown to love your forever family...you might go through a bout of hate and rebellion towards them as some teens do but not all teens...your Aunt Jami didn't :-) and you might think living with me would be so much better than living with them because they are so unfair or whatever just cause they have your best interest at heart...I assure you living with me wouldn't be much different accept that not both parents work in this home...just the daddy...and mommy isn't all fun and games...though if I had you guys at home I really don't know what I would be...I wouldn't be depressed I am sure of that...cause I would be complete I know that...but I really don't know what that looks like any more...
I love you so very much I hope you got everything you hoped you would get today...and more...I remember how excited you would get when I entered the room to pick you up...you did a full body quiver and straighten your arms and legs and open your eyes wide and blow out flat tight lips out of excitement...mainly I remember you doing this in your peter rabbit snow coat on...I love you so very much Katelyn I am so sorry I failed you and your sister I really truly am...but I assure you I didn't do what was accused of being done...no matter what anyone tells you know this is the truth...I really didn't do the things they thought I was doing and half way proved I was doing which was Meth...they told me day before they took a home drug screen that I needed to get off the flexeril asap cause it comes up positive on their home drug screens as meth...so they got that positive UA and won you guys cause I couldn't fight it...and for that I am so sorry I really wish I hadn't taken any medications over the counter or prescribed...EVER in my life...cause then all this mess wouldn't have happened...and we would still be together...
Anyway I love you so very much :-) I really do miss you so very much and can't wait to see you again!...I can't say it enough!
Talk to you later.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo D (F) (D.O.B. 05-1980)
your loving birth mother who won't EVER forget
Monday, July 11, 2011
Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn,
Rochelle and Katie I guess is how your names are spelt by your adoptive parents...which irritates me but the only reason is because a lot of thought went into your names...I wanted you Rowsheall to be unique like your mom...but am realizing everyone is unique without having to have their name spelt certain ways...now your middle name Kailyn was after your aunt Jami Lyn and my uncle Gregory Lyn :-) which also is why Katelyn was named Katelyn...Marie comes from my childhood best friend Lisa Marie and no she isn't a Presley :-) but she means the world to me...we went through a falling out for over a year but we are talking again trying to start over. Anyway, I keep thinking about you girls a lot...not that I ever get you girls off my mind...I wouldn't want to stop thinking about you because I love you so much and you are apart of me and will always be in my heart...as your adoptive parents had conceived you both in their hearts before they finally got to add you to their loving family.
All I can do is think positive about where you are...my horror stories in my mind I have learned to let go because it drives me crazy to think of the possible bad things you might be facing and it's not fair for me to torture myself...
Anyway I love you so very much and I really cannot say that enough...nor do I know how else to express it to you...I really am struggling to live without you both...but I have to keep living without you and it's so unfair for it being this way...I really don't see where I was wrong because no one told me it was wrong nor did they allow me to correct the problem...they didn't guide me as I needed them to...if they had...I would still have you home with me...but that didn't happen...did it? No, a system built to protect children not preserve families...at what cost did they protect you? There are no digets that could express damages done to me and my family...I will be justified someday...may not be till I reach my next life...but I'm hoping when you two come home to me finally I will feel like I finally have my family completed...
Your brother Dylan is 7 almost 8 and is very smart...and he keeps asking about you girls which is pushing me harder to request pictures to show him you are bigger than him now...that you are not still ages three and two...it's just hard...I'm So scared of being rejected...so...maybe when we can afford my counselor I will work on that with them even if I've been doing good helping myself with my hoarding tendencies that aren't as bad as on tv...it could have easily gotten that bad had I let it keep going...anyways I'm good at certain things...other things I struggle with and need professional input anyways...
I plan to get things taken care of soon so we can see you both or all depending on if your family you have now wants to share themselves with us or not...anyway...I'm serious this time...even if it makes me so sick to my stomach just thinking about it...anyway
I love you both equally and cannot wait to see your smiling faces again.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Your biological mother who will never forget...who carried you in my loving womb for 9 months and in 15 months time was torn from my loving arms that were young, dumb, and in need of guidance...but got set up and robbed instead...Robbed of witnessing your childhood, robbed of Katelyns first steps, robbed of many firsts to follow, and robbed of knowing and shaping you into being who you will be someday...I'm not apart of that and that's what hurts the most...love you ttyl
Tuesday, March 29, 2011
Dear Rowsheall Kailyn,
I still have difficulties picturing you older than 3 but today you turn 12...and that in so hard to believe but in 6 more years you will be able to come and find me but its OK if you wait till your sister is 18 too so you both can find me...I am waiting with my arms wide open ready to hold you and kiss you and never let you go again....Celine Dion wrote a song Called Miracle http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGNQ9bu1mDk not sure if the link will work when you find this or when I show you this blog but this is how I feel about you, and Katelyn, and Dylan, and Jack, and Josephine, and now River....I just want to hold you now but I can't....and that hurts more than anything I have experienced I know where Josephine and River are...they are with our Father and with Jesus our Savior....you and Katelyn I don't know where you are...I just have to trust that God is watching over you and keeping you and your sister safe until you can come home to me....another song that hits home is Precious Child by Karen Tyler-Good even if its for a child who passed away...you are living in my heart for now...and I will be able to see you and hold you here on earth and your sister Katelyn too....I am so lost without you girls...I am trying to be a good mom to your two brothers I have been blessed with...its just so hard to keep going when the world around me keeps crumbling around me...but I have to keep going because someday you will come find me and I want to be here to see you and hold you once again....that day will be the day my life will be justified as being worth living....and everything will just fall back into place...I know your parents will still be in your life as they raised you since the state didn't see me able to raise you but I am able to raise your brothers...though sometimes I doubt myself and my abilities at times but I know God will help me get through the hard times and I rest in the promises that God has gave us...
I really pray God helps you in any resentment you may feel towards me as I did everything I could and it wasn't good enough for the state to put us back together forever but rather put us apart for a short while...I love you so very much and I can't say that enough....I am struggling without you both but I will survive....I have to....so I can see you again....I miss you so very much! I can't say that enough either...I really want to write your parents requesting pictures but I am so scared they will reject me....that would just break me if they did...I can't take anymore heartache I hope I can get the guts to ask for permission to contact your parents and then write that letter opening our door of communication....I just am so scared to be rejected....I hope to be able to do that soon though....I will keep praying about it and praying for you all (mom, dad, you and your sister and your family)....I will talk to you later though.
I hope you had a wonderful Happy 12th Birthday Rowsheall and all your dreams came true today...you got everything you wanted....I love you and will talk to you again soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
your birth mother who won't ever forget you and your sister
I still have difficulties picturing you older than 3 but today you turn 12...and that in so hard to believe but in 6 more years you will be able to come and find me but its OK if you wait till your sister is 18 too so you both can find me...I am waiting with my arms wide open ready to hold you and kiss you and never let you go again....Celine Dion wrote a song Called Miracle http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGNQ9bu1mDk not sure if the link will work when you find this or when I show you this blog but this is how I feel about you, and Katelyn, and Dylan, and Jack, and Josephine, and now River....I just want to hold you now but I can't....and that hurts more than anything I have experienced I know where Josephine and River are...they are with our Father and with Jesus our Savior....you and Katelyn I don't know where you are...I just have to trust that God is watching over you and keeping you and your sister safe until you can come home to me....another song that hits home is Precious Child by Karen Tyler-Good even if its for a child who passed away...you are living in my heart for now...and I will be able to see you and hold you here on earth and your sister Katelyn too....I am so lost without you girls...I am trying to be a good mom to your two brothers I have been blessed with...its just so hard to keep going when the world around me keeps crumbling around me...but I have to keep going because someday you will come find me and I want to be here to see you and hold you once again....that day will be the day my life will be justified as being worth living....and everything will just fall back into place...I know your parents will still be in your life as they raised you since the state didn't see me able to raise you but I am able to raise your brothers...though sometimes I doubt myself and my abilities at times but I know God will help me get through the hard times and I rest in the promises that God has gave us...
I really pray God helps you in any resentment you may feel towards me as I did everything I could and it wasn't good enough for the state to put us back together forever but rather put us apart for a short while...I love you so very much and I can't say that enough....I am struggling without you both but I will survive....I have to....so I can see you again....I miss you so very much! I can't say that enough either...I really want to write your parents requesting pictures but I am so scared they will reject me....that would just break me if they did...I can't take anymore heartache I hope I can get the guts to ask for permission to contact your parents and then write that letter opening our door of communication....I just am so scared to be rejected....I hope to be able to do that soon though....I will keep praying about it and praying for you all (mom, dad, you and your sister and your family)....I will talk to you later though.
I hope you had a wonderful Happy 12th Birthday Rowsheall and all your dreams came true today...you got everything you wanted....I love you and will talk to you again soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
your birth mother who won't ever forget you and your sister
Tuesday, March 22, 2011
Well girls, My life is just full of crisis and I am thankful you girls are not here to witness all that has gone on it will hurt you when you come find me or when you stumble on this blog but I really don't think you girls could have handled being here during my many losses as I am beside myself with this one...We had sonograms and echocardiograms done for this baby we were expecting and everything was so normal and so healthy there was nothing wrong at all with this baby...but they stopped moving and I went into the hospital and they couldn't find the heart beat and had to induce him still born...it was a surprise we didn't know what he was until he came out...he was beautiful...his name was River Lyric and he weighed 2lbs 9.7oz and was 15.5 inches long little bitty baby and so peaceful...we got lots of pictures to share with you when you come home to see us...
I love you girls so very much and I am so sorry that I couldn't fight harder and gotten you girls back....
In other news...I have been attacked by someone on yahoo messenger through this blog which I put on here so you girls could contact me if you wanted to or your parents could contact me even...and someone contacted me acting like they knew me back when I lost you girls and knew what was really going on...it was stupid what they had said to me because they are idiots if they think for a second I was lying on my blog....I am sharing my side of the story....if they don't like it or believe me thats on them...not me...I know what happened I was there experiencing it first hand...if they were with me 24/7 which that would of been my mother...then ya they can talk but since they only know obviously hearsay which is what others say about me and what was going on at the time etc...anyways I cannot believe that they would attack me like they did but knowing someone out there thinks I am lying to you girls in my blog kind of irritates me...just because they were anonymous tells me they really dont know me and if they did they would let their identity be known so we can have it out like adults and get on the same page as each other...I have not lied to you once on this blog and I hope that you do find me first before you find whoever is a liar out there grows up and stops the rumors and stops attacking me anonymously cause thats just childish and immature...
So that note is kind of for the attacker not you girls but I just had to make it known that there are some people out there who have it in their minds that I got what I deserved just so that way they feel better about themselves and justified that they have their kids...not me having you girls...etc...kind of a comfort thing really for them because if they believe my story in the way things went down...then that puts their family in jeopardy of being torn apart like ours and thats just not something people are willing to accept and I don't blame them its scary that they could take two children from a loving home based on lies...but they did...and it hurt...and I am surviving but missing you girls every waking hour of my life...and I won't ever stop thinking about you nor will I stop praying for your return home to me...and I look forward to your return and I hope and pray for strength to risk rejection by requesting pictures of you girls but its so hard to not think maybe the parents won't think I deserve pictures or anything...that I am this horrible drug addict the courts made me to look like...which was far from the truth....anyways I am sorry to break that news to you too...but now you have a little girl sister angel and a little boy brother angel up in heaven watching over you with Grandma Sally...
I am going to Mental Health Association for counseling now and they have many programs that I am planning on getting involved in so I can maybe hopefully get back into enjoying life maybe? I don't even know if I can without you girls and without your brother and sister now who are in Heaven....but I really want to so I can maybe be a wonderful mother when you finally do come home...I am maturing I think in my mental emotional side...or I am just numb at the moment I am not sure which...since it just happened this weekend...
Anyway I love you girls so very much and miss you very much...I will be writing in on Rowsheall's Birthday as usual here in a few days...I will talk to you Rowsheall later I love you sweetheart...Katelyn I love you sweetheart too....I wonder what you girls look like being 10 and nearly 12 you must be so big! and smart!
Talk to you later sweeties...
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo
I love you girls so very much and I am so sorry that I couldn't fight harder and gotten you girls back....
In other news...I have been attacked by someone on yahoo messenger through this blog which I put on here so you girls could contact me if you wanted to or your parents could contact me even...and someone contacted me acting like they knew me back when I lost you girls and knew what was really going on...it was stupid what they had said to me because they are idiots if they think for a second I was lying on my blog....I am sharing my side of the story....if they don't like it or believe me thats on them...not me...I know what happened I was there experiencing it first hand...if they were with me 24/7 which that would of been my mother...then ya they can talk but since they only know obviously hearsay which is what others say about me and what was going on at the time etc...anyways I cannot believe that they would attack me like they did but knowing someone out there thinks I am lying to you girls in my blog kind of irritates me...just because they were anonymous tells me they really dont know me and if they did they would let their identity be known so we can have it out like adults and get on the same page as each other...I have not lied to you once on this blog and I hope that you do find me first before you find whoever is a liar out there grows up and stops the rumors and stops attacking me anonymously cause thats just childish and immature...
So that note is kind of for the attacker not you girls but I just had to make it known that there are some people out there who have it in their minds that I got what I deserved just so that way they feel better about themselves and justified that they have their kids...not me having you girls...etc...kind of a comfort thing really for them because if they believe my story in the way things went down...then that puts their family in jeopardy of being torn apart like ours and thats just not something people are willing to accept and I don't blame them its scary that they could take two children from a loving home based on lies...but they did...and it hurt...and I am surviving but missing you girls every waking hour of my life...and I won't ever stop thinking about you nor will I stop praying for your return home to me...and I look forward to your return and I hope and pray for strength to risk rejection by requesting pictures of you girls but its so hard to not think maybe the parents won't think I deserve pictures or anything...that I am this horrible drug addict the courts made me to look like...which was far from the truth....anyways I am sorry to break that news to you too...but now you have a little girl sister angel and a little boy brother angel up in heaven watching over you with Grandma Sally...
I am going to Mental Health Association for counseling now and they have many programs that I am planning on getting involved in so I can maybe hopefully get back into enjoying life maybe? I don't even know if I can without you girls and without your brother and sister now who are in Heaven....but I really want to so I can maybe be a wonderful mother when you finally do come home...I am maturing I think in my mental emotional side...or I am just numb at the moment I am not sure which...since it just happened this weekend...
Anyway I love you girls so very much and miss you very much...I will be writing in on Rowsheall's Birthday as usual here in a few days...I will talk to you Rowsheall later I love you sweetheart...Katelyn I love you sweetheart too....I wonder what you girls look like being 10 and nearly 12 you must be so big! and smart!
Talk to you later sweeties...
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo
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