It took the state 507 days to destroy our family I had with you both Rowsheall and Katelyn.

Thats One year 4 months and 20 days

Thats 43,804,800 seconds

Thats 730,080 Minutes

Thats 12,168 hours

thats 72 weeks (rounded down)

It seems only yesterday was the last time I seen you both but it has been 2923 days

thats 8 yrs and ago to the date

thats 252,547,200 seconds

thats 4,209,120 minutes

thats 70,152 hours

thats 413 weeks (rounded down)

I can't believe my babies are growing up without me...and they are no longer 3 and 2 as they were today 8 yrs ago...its unbelieveable how long it has been...I miss you every waking hour of my life and ache to hear your laughs, feel you hugging me, hearing you both say you love me...I watch the DVD home videos of you both and want to just reach into the tv and hold you one last time...but I can't...and that is something I have to come to terms with every waking hour of my life...

I am surviving, I am not sure how I am but I am...and I am trying my best to keep myself together but its an every moment battle...losing you two were worst than losing my latest daughter who died...losing you two absolutely destroyed me...and for a short while I let it....I hope you understand when you come home to meet me that I did everything in my ability (cause this was a very debilitating experience I had ever experienced in my life) but I am so thankful that I got to spend the time I did with them or partly be apart of their lives.

I got to see and be apart of Rowshealls life 1250 days (March 29th 1999-Aug 29th 2002)

Thats 3 years 5 months, to the date

thats 108,000,000 seconds

thats 1,800,000 minutes

thats 30,000 hours

or 178 weeks (rounded down)

I got to see and be apart of Katelyn's life for 744 days (Aug 15th 2000-Aug 29th 2002)

thats 2 yrs, 14 days

thats 64,281,600 seconds

thats 1,071,360 minutes

thats 106 weeks (rounded down

I had custody of the girls and doing what I had to and made sure my kids needs were met which they were well taken care of....for

Rowsheall 743 days

thats 2 yrs 12 days

thats 64,195,200 seconds

thats 1,069,920 minutes

thats 17,832 hours

thats 106 weeks (Rounded down)

Katelyne 238 days

thats 7 months 26 days

thats 20,563,200 seconds

thats 342,720 minutes

thats 34 weeks

and by the time I got to visit with the girls Katelyn didn't even recognize me and cried for her mom the full hour visitation who was right in front of her...which really deeply broke my heart into a million billion zillion infinity pieces...

Well baby's I miss you terribly bad...and I love you so very much and I can't wait to see you again someday hopefully sooner than later...I really am doing good...just miss you alot and try not to let it get to me too bad cause I hold the thought that you will someday come and find me and if its till your 18th birthdays

Rowsheall will come home in 2405 days, thats 6 yrs, 7 months, and 1 day

Thats 207,792,000 seconds

thats 3,463, 200 minutes

thats 57,720 hours

343 weeks (rounded down)

Katelyn will come home in 2909 days

thats 7 yrs, 11 months, and 18 days

thats 251,337,600 seconds

thats 4,188,960 minutes

thats 69,816 hours

thats 415 weeks (rounded down)

thats not as long as I have been without you two...so I can do this...I don't want to but I have to...it kills me...but I do what I have to....

How fun to know all the calculations of our lives and how soon we will see each other again...I am so excited! I can't wait but have to ya know what I mean!

I love you so very much and miss you two so very much...

Sincerely,

your loving birth mother

Rabeka Jo (F) D (DOB 5/1980)

Katelyn Marie,

I can't believe you are turning 10 today, its amazing how time is just flying by. 8 more years before you can come and find me, I am so excited about meeting you someday...I know it could be sooner than that depending on your adoptive parent's desires but I count on that 18th birthday for sure...

You must be getting so big by now...Your dad Kenneth Raymond Fairchild just texted me saying he was just thinking about our baby girl on her birthday...he just found out sometime this last year as I did too that he was the father of you...big surprise to us both...but a good surprise...anyway...I just wanted you to know I and your daddy are thinking about you on your birthday.

I miss you and your sister so very much, and there is not a day that goes by that I don't think about you two. I just bought me some thinking of you cards, and note book and envelopes, I hope to write a few letters throughout the year and hopefully find out where to send them so they get stored into a file for when you and your sister come of age...though I hate to send them and then find out you never got them cause they got lost...or something...so I guess I should make copies for my own box to give to you girls when you come home...I have a few things I have from when you were with me as well as what I bought you throughout the years too...its not much of a collection of things...but it sure is better than nothing...I really can't believe you are actually going to be 10 this year...you are still 2 in my mind...Aug 29th, 2002 was the last day I seen you and your sister...and its so hard to think you are no longer that cute little baby girl anymore....but I am thankful each day that you are well taken care of and I pray that you are happy and healthy and thriving and having the best life God has to offer you. I wish it was with me but know it was best that you and your sister were to be else where...even if right now or back then I couldn't see the point I was a loving mother without a clue and I really wish I could undo a lot of things I said and did (those not being what I was accused of) but things I felt I had to do so I could get you girls back home with me...anyway...

I hope you have a happy birthday and get everything you want for your birthday. I also hope you still think of me as I do you, but I hope these thoughts are happy ones as they are for me happy thoughts of you coming home to me when the time is right. I really do love you and your sister so very much. I really hope you are doing very well where you are and are truly happy and settled. I would pursue custody but know that it would be more traumatic for you to be taken from where you are now to be placed with me and thats why I haven't pursued it farther...but it was unjust that you both were taken from me permanently like you were...but the damage is already done and there is no turning back now...

Anyway I love you so very much Katelyn and so does your daddy Ray and Daddy Johnny (my husband ur step dad) I will talk to you later Katelyn Marie, see you someday soon :-)

Sincerely,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

your Birth mother

(D.O.B. 5-1980)

Well that house mentioned in the last post fell through it had too many problems the seller wasn't willing to fix...so we found a 3 bedroom 1 bath house thats half the size of this one...but I think I can manage to keep ontop of the house work with it...I am excited to finally be out of this house I been in since I was 6 yrs old...we will still have it and plan to rent it out as soon as we fix it up a bit...

Anyway I miss you girls so very much...today being mothers day was tough...2nd mothers day without my mom...I don't know how you girls go through this holiday without me...its hard...so hard.

I just hope you treat your new mom as you would of treated me and enjoy her as she is a blessing to all three of us...and I look forward in meeting her and your new dad as well...it takes a big heart to take in two girls as their own and raise them up as if they are their own...

I have been looking into the whole adopt a little girl idea and I have to expunge you girls from my record before I can do that...and I am not sure what that will do to my ability to find you and you find me...but I don't like the sounds of it...so come July, or August your dad Johnny and I will be trying to have another baby and we won't be finding out if its a girl or a boy and will be surprised when they arrive.

I am excited to finally be moving...and I hope the bank stuff irons out and closing date can remain May 19th, 3 days after my birthday...anyway I miss you both so very much and I love you so very much...

I am starting to write my book of my life again...and I pray I continue to write it and get it published so the miscarriage of Justice we went through can at least be known by society for all that it was and is today...and I hope it opens up doors to where we can at least be in contact with one another soon afterwards...if not bring you home to me IF you want to do so...but if you are happy I would much rather leave you where you are...don't get me wrong it will hurt to lose you again...but I don't want to stir up emotions that are hopefully settled down by now cause I don't want you girls to be more screwed up than the state already has made you screwed up...to hold you girls again would be a dream come true and I would be here open armed if you were to come home...and I would be truly blessed to have you back...to harm you and your sister though...I mean to up and move you again...I don't think that would be in the best interest of you girls...unless circumstances allowed you to be moved back home with me that left you girls happy and transitioned correctly....I love you and miss you...I want you back...but know the damage was done and that you hopefully are healed from these wounds...and things are normal as they can be....I hope you understand what I mean...its not that I don't want you...I do more than anything in the world....I just know I don't want to force you girls into something you don't want.

I love you and miss you so very much and I will write again on my birthday as I know will be a hard one to get through again...Love you miss you talk to you soon.

Sincerely,

your loving birth mother,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

Hey baby girls I miss you so much and think of you often. Your dad Johnny and I have found a house that is 6 bedroom 2 bath and are hopefully moving in May 5th...I am so excited! We will have three extra bedrooms one for a daughter we plan to adopt in the future...and then two extra rooms for my craft room and Johnny's man stuff...but easily we can convert our extra rooms into your bed rooms when and if you do come home...I am so ready for that...and I hope you do want to come stay with us if not only for the weekends or vacation leaves from school like summer break or spring break or winter break or whatever....I would love to have my baby girls home with me finally!

I am so excited I am packing my things and making sure I pack all the things I am keeping to show you girls from when you girls were with me...they arn't much but I have fond memories with them...anyway, I love you I need to get some rest as your youngest brother Jack needs to go to a dentist to have a consult about getting his cavities filled...then off to pack some more :-) I haven't moved since I was 6 years old accept the temporary moves between my moms house and your dad's house Rowsheall...I never really lived lived with Katelyn's dad Raymond, he really didn't have the room for me and you Rowsheall...and then after I had Katelyn I had no clue that she was his...but others thought so...I argued...but now I know the truth...Anyway, I hope I didn't disappoint you girls too much with the choice of fathers I ended up with...I just know I never regretted having either one of you...I sometimes wish you hadn't been so close in age at times 17 months apart is awful close but I found even with 21 months between your brothers its just as hard if not harder...so there really isn't a right or wrong spacing between kids...I just hope that what I thought would happen with you girls is that when you get older you become each others best friends :-) because of you being so close in age I hope it happens sooner for you girls if it hasn't already happened...I know for a fact that there are probably arguments and jealousy fuming around you girls but I hope you stick together in the end...

Anyway I hope you both are doing well and are happy and healthy and smart and everything you wanna be...I love you girls so very much and I won't stop loving or thinking about you girls even when I don't post on this blog...I figure it this much...if I did post everyday I thought about you girls you would have a whole bunch of reading this way you girls will only have limited reading material to sift through and things would work out better that way and I could just talk to you girls about things to your face when that day comes :-)

I love you so very much! I can't say it enough cause I do!

I will talk to you girls Later and hopefully by that time I will have the place all set up in our new home and settled down...

My 30th birthday is coming up this May...I am feeling so old ha ha...but know I am not. And your Dad Johnny is going to be 40 in June...yep going over the hill...but he is fit for his age and he takes good care of himself...Anyway I will talk to you girls later I love you good night.

Sincerely,

Your loving Birth Mother,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

DOB May 1980

Happy 11th Birthday sweetheart! I hope you had a wonderful day I thought about you all day long and missed out on your celebration another year...but know when the time is right we will be back together and things will turn out better for us in the end...I love you so very much and miss you every waking hour...and think about you and your sister constantly...

I will write an update after this so you know whats up with your momma and family awaiting to meet you.

I pray that you know I love you and know I am here opened armed when you finally do get to come seek me out...and I look forward to that day and hope its sooner than later :-)

Sincerely,

Your loving Birthmother,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

(dob May 1980)

I miss you girls so much and its really hard to keep living a life without you girls apart of my life...but i know deep in my heart you are well taken care of and will come find me someday and by then i am sure i will have my head straight and my bitterness towards the system that took you from me dumbed down enough to where it dont send me to tears to talk about it. Anyway i love you both so very much! Miss you bunches! Look forward in seeing your pictures sooner than later soon as i get things together with my mind a bit...then go for it head first no detours no speed bumps asked to get in my way pure confidance in myself and just do it. And believe me im gonna do it! Love you and heres to turning my life around and hopefully getting things to where i can see your pictures at least...and watch you grow up that way at least. Talk to you later...sincerely, your loving birth mom Rabeka Jo (F) D

Happy new year girls

Rowsheall and Katelyn, This year i am going to snap out of my depression stop feeling sorry for myself and do something for myself that i could of and should of a long time ago and thats open my communications with your parents. But first thing is first...get myself together and keep it together and do start or finish a task that requires me to follow through and feel accomplished for a change...you know actually finish what i start...something i have a hard time doing for myself...anyway. I love you both i hope this year is the best year and is followed by many best years to follow as same for me i hope its smooth sailing from here on out from here girls cause i would love to be in right mind set when i do open that door of comunicatimons with your parents.I love you both so very much and thank god for blessing me with all 5 children i was blessed to have brought into this world and even though all three daughters visits with me were short and sweet i hstill am blessed to have known u