(this was an email I sent to family and friends and thought I would include you so you know when grandma got on hospice and what went on) My mom went into hospice today around 4pm her tolerance to the pain is non-existent and cannot take it any longer. She will be there for a few days to a week depending on finding a medication that works to keep her comfortable during her last days here on earth. Their Job is to make her comfortable. They haven't given a time line to expect her to live without treatments to fight the skin cancer. But I am sure it won't be long, since she has given up cause she cannot take it any longer. I pray she does fight a little longer. But the doctors have given up hope to treat her anymore and they won't be progressing her any longer with scans to see how far the skin cancer has gone etc. They just handed her over to hospice and are through with treatments of the cancer. They believe the Chemo from this last time has caused nerve damage in her face and that is what is causing her facial pain. The numbness in the chin and now up just past her lip crease is now numb too is like Novocain when its totally numb but trying to start to come back so its painful part of that Novocain wearing off type feeling in her chin and up past her right crease in her lip....her lip is burning and hurting as well...she is numb so numb she finds herself drooling and when she attempted to eat tonight found her food trying to escape the hole in her mouth. The pain shoots back to her ear and behind her ear and up under her jaw on that right side as well as in the temporal area on up over her eyebrow...but its only existent on her right side which is just weird. That's where her skin cancer has been found. It has spread into her liver as well. They also found a speck of something in her Cerebellum area of her brain but too small to know what it is. So its also in her pelvic bone, her butt, her collar bone, her chest wall, still in her lymph node under her right arm pit, and in her neck. Since its in her liver, its just a matter of time for it to start to shut down and then move on to other big organs. So their job is to make the pain tolerable. She is on a high concentrate of morphine that is dispensed into fatty area of her left arm which the pump will administer 200mg throughout the time span of 3 hours I believe that's what she said and every 30 minutes my mom can press a button to receive a double dose of morphine. It will not allow her to press it until 30 minutes is up so its a safety feature that will keep her from Over Dosing herself. But it will record how many times she presses the button between the 30 min. intervals to tell doctors if they need to up doses or lower doses or add additional medications to manage her pain better. During her stay at the hospital they are monitoring her and see how these medications effect her, and if they need to adjust or do something different. So its a good thing. She is such a homebody though that not even an hour after being there she was ready to go back home. After she is released from the hospital, they will move in a hospital bed into her home for her to sleep on, so that will help...she will also have a nurse coming out once or twice a week and a nurse on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week...so all we have to do is call when something is wrong and they will rush right over and take care of her. They will also have someone come out twice a week to bathe her and change her bedding and everything. So it is a great program and I am thankful for this program being available to help us help her through her last days here on earth. She has given up since the doctors have given up on her. They do not wish to keep track of the progress of the cancer. She feels they won't even treat her if she gets an ear infection or a tooth infection or anything, they are just done treating her all together, but I don't think they are that "done" with her, just they won't be giving her chemo anymore, she said they won't be doing blood tests anymore to keep track of her platelets so she won't know if she is deteriorating or not and I think this bothers her. She likes to know how things are going, and how long she has to live etc. Where the cancer has spread and all that too...so we may try to talk to the doctors to see if they could humor her and do them despite their rules and regulations and keep track of this as a medical study or some other reason they could come up with so they could pull it off, so she can know what she wants to know. She gave me permission to allow them to do an autopsy on her to learn from her when she is gone, so they can maybe help future cancer patients like her. Which I think is noble of her to say yes to. She does not wish for her picture to be taken when she is in her casket, because she had a picture of her grandma in her casket and it just haunted her all these years the image and she doesn't want anyone to have that image in their minds like her...I want to respect this wish, and I will, but not sure if I will pass this information onto the other grievers around me or not. Though I probably will when it comes down to it since she really don't want that. So Anyway, the road is almost over now. And I don't know really how I am going to take all this, but with all I have been through so far, I don't know what else would bring me to my knees...sometimes wonder if I even am living anymore myself. I feel so mindless, and numb. But the tears do still flow, which I haven't been able to tear up for a while now so that's a good thing I think. Anyway, I will talk to you later. Sincerely, Rabeka Jo P.S. Other than this bump in the road our Christmas was the best ever, I know that's weird to say after losing a baby girl, but she really opened my eyes to what I do have and I am so thankful for all I do have. This was the first Christmas I actually enjoyed and looked forward to. I will write more later...I am in a lot of pain from my face so I am going to try to sift through my emails and head to bed.

Well here come another Christmas holiday without you here with me...I picture you two so excited that Santa is coming to visit and setting out cookies and milk for Santa and Carrots for the Reindeer's...waking in the wee hours of the morning before the sun comes up to shine...spending time with your forever family, and happy. I wish I could be there with you to share these holidays with you all along with your birthdays and every time in between. But I can't and that breaks my heart. For some reason I had a thought enter my mind about you Rowsheall...did you know that you dad called you Critter and would play with your feet and elbows through my belly by tickling my belly making you move. Did you know that we almost named you Mesha Katrina Lyn Hetzel? That was one on the list. And I used to tell you Cigarettes were CaCa you actually tried to eat my cigarette butts once, and you were curious and at one time I let you take a drag and you threw up, I was young and dumb and shouldn't have done that, I just wanted to show you that it was caca so you would leave them alone...I look back and know that was wrong of me to do that...you learn from mistakes, thats life. So anyway, you and I were walking into walmart and there was mexican people in a group smoking and you pointed at them and said CaCa momma CaCa and I explained not you the cigarettes..cause they were about to jump me and hurt me bad...cause CaCa in spanish means S$#T so yeah it was not a good situation but I laughed about it later...When you were a new born baby we were in the check out line and you decided to fill your britches with a loud long fart and this woman infront of us turned around and gave me a dirty look and I said it wasn't me it was the baby and pointed to you and she rolled her eyes as if saying yeah sure blame it on the baby yeah right...lol me and Aunt Lisa laughed so hard over that one.... Katelyn you used to get so excited when I came into the room you would do this full body shake that won't EVER leave my mind and memories...your face would nearly turn red cause you were so excited. I didn't get to spend but 8 months with you before you were taken from my loving arms...but I did love you very dearly, I just had a lot on my plate and its no excuse for my off the wall behavior that made people concerned about you both. I don't blame them for being concerned but taking you away from me was far from what I needed. I needed someone to guide me in how to handle you two...not rip you away from me. I really wish I could do it all over again with the knowledge I have today, I would have done so many things different...if it meant I could keep you two with me. But I can't turn back time and undo the things I did and said that was taken out of context. I don't know if you remember the eeyore watch I wore that played "I'm Singing In the Rain" or not but I got a battery put into it and am wearing it in memory of you two. You both loved to push the button and I would sing "I'm Singing in the rain just singing in the rain what a glorious feeling I'm happy again Im singing again Im dancing again Im singing in the rain" and at the end of our visits I would do tickle time with you and tickle you two for a good while...then I would sing "You are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skys are grey you'll never know dear how much I love you please don't take my sunshine away" But the Judge took my sunshine away from me, and I have came a long way in my grief and your sister Josephine Kay has taught me a lot about loss, and how life does go on and I should be happy no matter what happens in my life. It makes me stronger with each experience. I am so strong from all I have been through, and I hope and Pray everyday and thinking of you every waking hour...I wish I could hold you again, but know there is reasons I don't understand why we are apart...I pray you both are happy with your new family. I hope the case workers are right about you both as well as your foster mom Jan...that you look at my pictures and say "Mommy Beky" Which I don't like the name Beky but I sure let you guys call me that cause you are my baby girls. You two are the ONLY people I allow to call me Beky ;) I love you both so very much and think of you often and miss you more and more each day. I hope when you find this blog you realize how much I do love you and miss you and know that my broken record of posts that say this over and over are truely meant and I can't seem to say it enough. I will look forward in seeing you someday soon and being able to hold you in my loving arms again. Your brothers are getting better with their behaviors though Jack is starting to pick up on Dylan's previous behaviors, I Hope he will grow out of that soon. Your grandma Sally Frantz is still fighting her Skin cancer but its not looking very promising, her chin is numb on one side and the Doctor did a CT scan but didn't tell her anything yet about the findings, guess he don't want to ruin the holidays for her...I don't know...I hope its not bad...I really need to write to your parents and get pictures so she can see you two before she leaves this world...I love you all and I want you to know her...she took care of you while I was in the psych ward during my mental breakdown...and she did a great job...and Katelyn you loved her so much...it breaks my heart that you will lose her and not know it til you come to find me...cause she means so much to you both or she did at least when you were 8 months and 2 years old. Anyway, I will talk to you both later, I sure do think of you often, but don't write so its hard to believe that, I am really trying hard to write more often so I can show you how much I do think of you...I just am so busy with everything going on right now with your sister Josie's death. And trying to arrange for her ashes to be placed one on the mantel and one in a grave and a few ashes spread in the hole where her tree is planted... So I will talk to you both later, I love you so very much and miss you teribly I can't hardly wait to see you again. Merry Christmas Baby girls! Hope you get all that you want from Santa this year :) Sincerely, Rabeka Jo (F) D

(this is a letter I sent to family and friends to keep them updated on things just thought you may want to know about it) I got a letter stating they changed the way donated to science bodies are taken care of and offer to have the ashes returned to the loved ones! So I get to have my baby girl back! I am so excited I had to share! I am so excited! Not sure what we are going to do, keep them for display, spread ashes, bury them, or all three who knows! I just am so excited I can't stop being happy! Of course a plaque for a grave will be costly but my family already has said they want to help do something for us so hopefully that can help pay towards a marker of some sort if its not enough I am going to make and sell purses (I crochet them) and hopefully that will raise enough money for us to pay for the marker in the end. Whether its 10 bucks a month I think they will be happy with whatever we can come up with from month to month til its paid off! :) I am so happy! I can even have a service for her if I want to and its all free and the plot of land is free and I think the bury of the ashes is free too so all we have to pay for is the marker yay! I am so happy!!!!!! Ok thank you for listening to my good news! Have a happy as you can day! Sincerely, Rabeka Jo -- STOP E-MAIL ADDRESS HARVESTING Protect your family and friends! PLEASE USE "BCC" when sending to multiple addresses! PLEASE DELETE ALL E-Mail ADDRESSES WHEN FORWARDING FROM ANOTHER LIST!! Send your condolences through guestbook signings here for our baby girl we lost thank you: http://www.caringbridge.org/visit/babyjosiekay And here is the memorial picture slide show on youtube: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=PZU14IOSA6I look at the more from Rabeka Jo and watch the thank yous and baptism video. Thanks.

Well Baby girls, I don't have good news about your baby sister. She was born Sept. 2, 2008 and died Sept. 3, 2008. She was beautiful, but her problems were too great for her to handle and live through. So you have a little baby angel watching over you both. It actually hurts as much as it did when I lost you girls, only I am more comforted with losing her cause I know where she is and who she is with, God and Jesus up in Heaven (her second of slumber is already over). With you girls, I don't know where you are and who you are with and if you are taken good care of and the endless questions that won't be answered until we meet again whenever your family you have decides your old enough to come find me. Which I will be here waiting with open arms! I can't wait to see you girls again! I miss you both so much and I can't stop saying that over and over and over and over again with each post. I love you both so much too and again I can't stop saying that over and over and over again...cause I do and can't wait to tell this to your faces again. I used to sing "you are my sunshine" to you two. My mom sang "summertime" but didn't sing the part about your daddy being rich, cause that just wasn't going to happen cause he wouldn't keep a job. probably still can't keep one. Don't know don't see him anymore. thats your real daddy, I am speaking of the one who hurt your mommy physically and emotionally. Daniel the daddy I was dating that you met at our last few visitations, he was also a loser and I am so sorry I couldn't provide a good guy to serve as your daddy, I couldn't do it on my own. The Daddy I have now would have been the perfect guy for the job, God has his reasons why we didn't meet before I lost you girls, and we won't know that till we finally get to see His face in Heaven. But my dear children I have a big feeling it has something to do with the family you are with now, and I feel full heartedly you are where you need to be and I am where I need to be. Finally I am at peace with it all. I forgive everyone who was involved with the case that sealed us permanently apart at least til your old enough to come find me. Tore my world apart for a great while. I finally though am really ok with it. I miss you and hope you are doing great and all that. I have my fears no doubt, but who don't? I just hand it over to God to have him watch over you both and keep you safe and guide the hearts and hands of all who were involved in our case and in your lives that you get the family you are supposed to be with. Talk to you soon sweeties I am going to have to get off here. I love you so very much and miss you tremendously. Sincerely, your loving birthmommy, Rabeka Jo F D (dob 5/1980)

Katelyn Marie, Happy 8th Birthday sweety! I love you and miss you so deeply. I hope you had a wonderful birthday and got all the presents you wanted this year. Your baby sister will be here next month sometime, she has problems though so she may not make it, but if she don't make it you will have one more angel looking over you and your sister. I love you sweety and miss you so much...I wish I could hug you and hold you just once a year and hold you for a long time. I am to get the form filled out again and get it noterized and sent to your adoptive parents so I can open communication again to write and request pictures of you girls so I can see you and see how big you are now and so that way your maternal grandmother can see you before she dies. Her cancer has spread, and the Chemo isn't doing much for it but we are hopeful it will start working soon. I will talk to you later sweety, I miss you and your sister dearly, please let Rowsheall know. Sincerely, Rabeka Jo F D your Birthmother (Dob 5/1980)

Dear Rowsheall Kailyn, Today I got to sing happy birthday to someone, my friends son's birthday was yesterday but we had a birthday party today. I miss you so much and wish I could see you today, or anyday for that matter. Every birthday you and your sister have, and every holiday that I really miss you guys on, I get your home video's out and watch them, I finally got them on DVD and plan to send them to your parents soon with a request for pictures. I have some news, I am pregnant again, due Sept. 12th, 2008. We are hoping its a girl this time so I can have one girl at home with me. I hope it helps with the loss of you two. I hope you had a great birthday and got everything you were hoping to get, and were surrounded by your loving family on your special day. I thought about and prayed for you and your sister all day today as I do everyday, even though I don't post I am thinking about you on here everyday, does not mean I don't cause I do, I don't think there is a passing moment without you two on my mind and heart. So I wanted to wish you a happy birthday and tell you my good news, and tell you I love you and miss you sooooooooo very much and my heart aches with your absence, I thought with each passing year it would become easier but its just not that way. I still cry throughout the day on and off, I still want to hold you one more time in my loving arms, and I want you both to be here with me full time. But you are where you are for reasons unknown to me, and you. But someday God will tell us our purpose for being apart for so long and we will fully understand His true plan for us. I love you and miss you very much and hope to see you sometime soon. Sincerely, your loving birthmother, Rabeka Jo D (F)

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn, I realized something today (cause a friend pointed it out to me) The courts wern't trying to keep you from me it was your dad and since I couldn't protect myself and you from him they had to make me look like a poor excuse for a human being so they could take you from me and HIM but mostly it was only about HIM he was and is a bad guy. He hurt mommy when I was pregnant with you Katelyn and he did some mean things to me Rowsheall before you were in my tummy and while you were in my tummy and after you were born. I put up with it as long as I could to keep you with your Daddy cause you loved him so much but it wasn't worth it. I really hope you understand that there is more to the story than meets the eye. I wasn't able to handle everything happening at the time and I was young and didn't have a clue as to what I was doing. God has his reasons for everything to be the way it is right now and I am finally seeing a little bit deeper reason as to why it all happened the way it did. It wasn't me it was your Dad and that gives me comfort cause that means I am not that bad of a person and I can do the things they didn't think I could and I am starting to turn my life really far around I was turned a bit but now I am really going full force ahead and getting my life in order and working on organizing my heart, mind, body, and house and soon I will be in a great state of mind and I can handle anything (at least I can hope). Ok I just had to share with you my findings today and thoughts for the day. I love you both so very much! I will talk to you later I promise thats my new years resolution is to write to you both more often. Sincerely, Rabeka Jo D (F) DOB 5-80 your loving birthmother

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn, Happy New Year and Merry Christmas babies...I miss you soooooo much, you probably will get tired of reading this over and over about how much I miss you but I really do...not a moment goes by that I don't think about you both....so many memories surround me in this house...in my head...and in my heart. I hope you got all that you wanted this year from Santa. I hope you think of me as I think of you. I really am going to write to your adoptive parents very soon cause I can't not get pictures of you girls before your grandmother dies. She so wants to see you before she leaves this world. It breaks my heart that I havent done it sooner...I promise the plain message will be in the mail very soon because I want you to be seen and enjoyed by your grandmother I think it would make her day and make her pass more easily. Her melanoma stage 3 has moved into her lungs at this point she is doing chemo and we don't know how well its taking yet but we should know by next week if the chemo is helping enough to convience the doctor that surgery to remove the lymph nodes under her arm is worth it or not. So please be praying for your Grandma Sally she loves you and misses you both as much as I do and thinks about you just as I do. We can't wait to see you again! I love you hope you got to bang pots and pans and put a puzzle together on new years eve and morning. That was our family tradition. We had a good one your brother Jack got scared though when we banged pots and pans he cried. Dylan was so thrilled staying up so late, and Daddy Johnny had fun too. I miss you love you so very much. I will talk to you both later. Sincerely, Rabeka Jo D (F) DOB 5-80 your birth mother