I have had many days like today, where I fight back tears because I think about you and think about the "what if's" and "should of's" and "could of's" but I know I did my best and worked my hardest and it wasn't good enough for the courts so it wasn't good enough for you girls...I'm sooo sorry I let you down...I miss you two sooooo much...I'm crying as I type this...I cant say it enough I love you I miss you sooo much...It hurts...I have so many questions about where you are what you are doing who you are with how they are treating you and the list goes on and on and on...And there isn't anything I can do to find out anything nor can I trust the social workers to tell me the truth...They lied to me through out the process of terminating my rights...My back is sore from them stabbing it so many times...I wish there was a way I could know for sure that you two were actually happy and if I could at least watch you grow up through pictures that would be better than sitting here wondering endless questions and not having any idea...I worry about accidents happening to you two and I loose you without even knowing it...I heard that I wouldn't be notified nor after your what would have been 18 year birthday they wouldn't contact me...I would have to conduct a search of my own and when I didn't find anything I would have to search through death certificates and find you that way...Even if you had died years and years before...Or pretty much right after the last visit we shared...That is something I am having problems accepting...I know I shouldn't worry so much about you guys but I have to you are MY DAUGHTERS...I LOVE YOU SO MUCH YOU HAVE NO IDEA!!! I MISS YOU BOTH SOOOO MUCH!!! There is no way I can find you nor do anything to get you back...Even though this is only a year after they terminated my rights...And my life it together now...That's what I don't understand about the system...You are knocked down by life and having a hard time financially...Then...The state steps in takes the one thing that you have that's consider yours the moment you give birth...Suddenly your schedule is changed your routine is interrupted and you cant see the children whom were apart of your life every waking hour until after a Judge who does not have the slightest idea of who you are or what you are about...Then you get into court and these people who were supposable your friends...Twist your words to suit their needs and make you sound bad...And then you have to wait to see your own children till a case manager from a bankrupt agency is assigned to the case and can set up a visitation with you and your children...When you finally get to see your children...The youngest does not recognize you at all...You have to literally rip her from the foster mothers arms...Who is a stranger to you but yet your own flesh and blood is calling her Momma????? Then you have to battle a crying screaming child through the whole hour visit while they cry for their momma who you have no idea who she is what her name is where she is from what she is like with your children...THE PAIN IS SOOOO HARD TO HANDLE...They expect you to keep your job...Even though suddenly the employer has to work around your schedule and you cant work when you used to so eventually you get fired....Then you try to find a new job and no one will hire you because you have such a crazy schedule where Mondays you have anger management classes at 7 pm then on Tuesday nights at 7 you have parenting classes that help parents with older children than your children but its court ordered so you have no choice in going or not...And the case manager wont help you find a age appropriate parenting class they give you numbers to agencies and you call them and they are out of order so you are sent on a dead end road....Then you go ahead and do the parenting class that doesn't suit your children's age problems...And get anger management done and domestic violence class and protective parenting class and eventually you save up enough money to pay for them to get the certificates then you find out you need to take the first class of the parenting class because you evidently missed it...Yet you know you went...But they said you didn't so you have to wait a month to come around so you can go to the first class...Then you finally get your certificate and the case manager takes it saying she will make a copy and give it back to you at your next visit...Then at your next visit she claims she missed placed it...So you have to go back to the children home to get another certificate and this one is a copy...You go to court with an idiot court appointed attorney who just nods at all the evidence you have and claims it wouldn't help the case at all...Yet you would feel better knowing the judge about these things that you want to present in court...But your lazy attorney just sits there claiming to have no questions your honor...And it happens so quick you don't know exactly what happened and your attorney afterwards claims we are doing great everything is perfect yada yada...Then you get back to court and they claim you haven't completed all your court orders...Come find out there was a court order of drug and alcohol treatment that you were told during the evaluation of drug and alcohol abuse that you had no problem and did not need to seek their services...But suddenly you had to...Wow...And a month to go till the termination hearing...Ok...This is fine and dandy...You finally have $300 saved for the psychological evaluation and you go and get it...She claims everything is fine...I did everything fine....Then we get into court and she claims you are "Faking Good" to win your children back...Well duh...Common what else would you do?...It was an impossible task to complete I hope you understand that I did my best...I worked my hardest...I did research I had evidence but the attorney wouldn't let me present nothing...If only he would have let me...And if he wouldn't have discouraged me from speaking on my behalf at the termination hearing...I didn't because he told me that we were going to win...IM SO SORRY I BELIEVED HIM...I wish I would have told him what I keep running through my mind over and over again..."I had a lot on my plate your honor when you all got involved in my life. I was having problems yes. But in the best interest of the children I placed them in the care of my mother. Then when she couldn't care for them because she became ill with the Flu and the babysitter and her decided that the girls shouldn't be around my mom that's when the baby sitter started insisting on keeping the girls over night and then taking over in my role as a mother. In example she cut Rowsheall's hair without asking...She took both girls to the doctor without telling us...She met me twice and come find out she is an ex meth addict her self...I honestly do not know what meth is your honor. Yes my U.A. that was a home test came out positive and I would have gone to get a U.A. that day but the worker who gave me it waited and distracted me and ran out the time to make sure they were closed so I wouldn't be able to get one to clear that U.A. out the water...But I did get one the next day and it was negative...And admissible in court...But the home test was not admissible in court...Please your honor I tried my hardest and worked as fast that my finances allowed me to go...I really cant see how you all expect a single mother to get a two bedroom apartment/house without a diploma who gets paid minimum wage and even gets paid below that plus tips to accomplish this...Another thing I want to point out is that the state claims that I'm living with my mother because I'm co-dependent...I want to let you know that families come in different forms and faces...Some have mothers and father and children others have mothers and grandmothers...I grew up with my grandmother living above the garage of my moms house...Which is where I was told was "perfect for me and my girls" and then told different here in court...I am absolutely dumbfounded by the way these worker act like their your best friend and claim you are doing everything perfectly then they turn around and stab you in the back in court and claim the total opposite...Well your honor I wish you would believe me...I know my hearsay is just hearsay and their hearsay is facts and admissible in court and yada yada but as God as my Witness I have NEVER Abandoned those children nor have I endangered them...I LOVE THOSE CHILDREN SO MUCH...May I approach the bench your honor?...(I would then take up pictures of you two girls and me having a good time then I would close my speech with:) You see your honor its not about money, its not about what you know...Because parenting is an on going learning experience...And every child is different no child is exactly the same I'm sure you know that with your own children...Your honor I had a tough time because I had so much happen to me in such a short amount of time and if you want me to get into detail I can...Jan 1999 My mother was diagnosed with Breast Cancer March 1999 I had Rowsheall, Bruce began his controlling (but at the time I didn't recognize it at the time), I moved back home with my mom to help her with her recovery...More stress came from Bruce accusing me of cheating and all this so we broke up...We got back together cause he apologized...Then I found out I was pregnant again when Rowsheall was 8 months old in Nov. 1999...I was attending metro meridian getting my G.E.D. plus graduation and Rowsheall was attending child care at the school...Then Bruce got physical with me for the first time...He punched the microwave and came and got into my face and I wanted to give him a break to cool off and he shoved me down into a chair in the kitchen behind me and I reached up and slapped him with my left hand (I'm right handed) and he picked me up and choke slammed me up against the wall claiming "IF you ever EVER hit me again I will make the wrath of God look like a joke" so at that point I knew I had to get out but gradually where he wouldn't notice...Only take the things that cant be replaced...So during that week at school I covered my Hickey looking wound on my neck and if anyone asked I claimed it was a Hickey...(which now I know was wrong of me to hide what he truly did to me)...Gradually I moved things out...Then one day he punched the thermostat yelling at me as usual and he got into my face and I got up to go outside to give him a breather and he shoved me down into the couch and I slapped him with my left hand yet again...This time he slapped me back three times with his finger tips leaving a small cut and several bruises around my eyes and on my eye lids...Then he grabbed me and shook me by my shirt asking me if "this was what I wanted? Well this is what you got!" and then claimed I "didn't want the baby if I did I would quit smoking" then he slapped me in my stomach and knocked the wind out of me...I was sobbing and wailing your honor when he demanded me to "Stop crying and Grow up!" he went and got me some tissue to wipe my eyes...I couldn't calm down but when I wiped my eyes and found blood I calmed down really quick...I got up and went to go look in the mirror...I found bruises forming around my eyes and a cut where my glasses had scratched my cheek...This was March 12, 2000 I left him claiming I would cover it up and not tell no one...When my mother came to pick me up she noticed the makeup and I told her I was trying something different...She bought it...I just didn't want her to get into it with Bruce because she was a lot more weaker than me from her Chemo therapy...Well later that evening I washed off the makeup and got into the shower and really felt the effects of the abuse that occurred that day...My body ached I felt dirty my bruises were more present and swelling had been apparent for quite sometime now...I went to school the next day with make up on...I wore it all day long and people asked why the make up because everyone knew I didn't wear makeup...I told them I just thought I would try something different...I planned to call the cops later that night...But my last hour teacher John I walked in to class and he looked up at me and asked "Rabeka what did he do to you?!" I started to cry "Go wash that junk off and let me see what he did to you" so I went to the girls bathroom and washed off and went back to class...He told me if I didn't call the police that night he would...So I did when I got home...I put a restraining order on him and everything...I was starting to get over him and he called the house by accident so I figured it was God trying to get us back together for the children...I was still pregnant when we got back together but I was getting ready to burst...I had Katelyn and he started with the accusations of cheating all over again...Then I find out that Jill had a baby and it was his and the timing of her having the baby lined up to while we were going out...So he was cheating on me...Again we broke up...I was heart broken I had two children to take care of a mother who at the time was indulging herself with alcohol yes but she was not doing this when she began to care for my children...Back then I had to take care of her my two children my little sister and my grandmother...So I had my plate full...Then my grandmother had to under go surgery for her corroded arteries...She had a massive stroke during surgery and was considered brain dead after two or one day of responding to us saying she was going to get better and she would shake her head as hard as she could even with her tube in her throat...She knew...We weren't ready to let her go...So for three weeks we watched her breath violently on a ventilator in a coma...Three weeks your honor...Then on Oct. 8, 2000 my mom pulls the oxygen off to see what happens...Her stats drop as expected...She leaves the oxygen off...She calls me and my sister we want her to come and get us we want to visit one last time before she is gone...While she is on her way home Grandma passes on...We get up there and she is sitting up in bed with her mouth open wide motionless...Her mouth is black from having that tube in her throat all that time...A horrific image to have to get out of the mind...I was empty from my grandma and Bruce doing the things he did...So I went to him as a friend...He went with me to see my grandmother at the morgue and lift up the bottom half of the casket to see what it looked like so I had an additional image in my mind when healing from my grandmother's death...My mother began to drink more and more...I got tired of taking care of her...Left and moved in with a boyfriend Marty...I find out really fast that his apartment isn't child proof...I just need one break...I finally get Katelyn asleep and now I can tend to Rowsheall and we can have fun together...Rowsheall runs over to Katelyn and scratches/hits/pulls her hair/pinches anything to wake her up...I try "Shhhhh" she screams "Eeeeek" and laughs...Because that was a game her grandmother on Bruce's side used to play with her...She wakes up Katelyn I pack up the girls into the car and need a break...Maybe a car ride will put them to sleep...Rowsheall reaches over to Katelyn in the back seat from her car seat and scratches her...I DON'T UNDERSTAND WHY...I NEED HELP...I go to a friends house and let them take care of them while I search the phone book for help with this sort of thing...I find Root and Wings...I call them they are to come out that Friday...They never show....I call again they set up another appointment for Monday...No show...So I figure they aren't going to help me...I just need a break then I can get back into the swing of things...So I leave them with my friends and my mom finds out about it...And throws a fit...She wants to watch them...Ok deal is she don't drink...So she quit after 4 days of detox and slow weaning....She was ready...I took the girls to her and dropped them off and told her I needed a few days to get my head together if not longer...During this time...My boyfriend at the time Marty claims he is an android (someone who don't feel, love, hate, nothing...So basically I was loving someone and getting nothing in return...I again had this void missing inside of me...I searched in the wrong places I now know I should have looked to Jesus and God to fill that void...All the earthly possessions will never satisfy that kind of void...As for a job I had one...They just couldn't work around my schedule and fired me...Then September.. 11 happened and I couldn't find a job anywhere I tried no one was hiring...I was scared I wouldn't see my girls again because it was going to be the end of the world...Then they came out with that song Alan Jackson wrote that goes "...Did you run to your family and hold them tight?..." Honestly your honor I really wish I could have...You have no idea what it is like to be a parent who has their life turned up side down by life's circumstances then suddenly children are ripped from care...And its all set up but no one sees it and no one listens...Nor do they understand why I did what I did...They wont give me the time of day your honor and they treat me like a poor excuse for a human being...How can I just get up and dust myself off from this?...After all this trauma in my life? Just bounce back? Excuse me your honor I am only human I am not a super hero...I can only take so much before I break and this taking my children broke me in half and took me a long long time to get myself back together...You probably didn't know all this...Because the workers just smiled and nodded when I told them everything...The took things out of context to suit their needs...In example the statement they took from me in the hospital "I'm pretty sure I wouldn't want my children" well if you take it out of context like that it sounds quite awful but if you put the whole conversation together it makes sense why I would say something like that..."If I am going to have to be on all these medications for the rest of my life because I have this disorder and I can hardly handle myself I am pretty sure I wouldn't want my kids back and would want my mother to have custody of them"...Now doesn't that sound better than just the out of context sentence they are pushing in court so hard?...As for the positive U.A. for meth...I was told the day before that my medication I was taking "Flexeril" would make a home drug test come positive for meth and I needed to stop taking it so I wouldn't have a dirty U.A....Oh thanks for the not even 24 hour warning...I couldn't stop taking them because of my stress induced torticollis out breaks...And on a few Occasions I missed visits because I had an out break and the supervisor for the visits didn't understand how bad it hurt...And that I had to wear a neck brace when one of these out breaks occurred...I can get a doctor to come and testify to explain this to you but my attorney advised me against it...Along with presenting evidence that I had presented to him...Excuse me your honor but I am tired of being built up to believe I'm going to win then be let down...So I am going to try and prove myself to you...You can tell I have been through a lot in the last few years...I'm not asking for a break...I am asking for reasonable efforts to preserve my family unit...Yes my unit includes my mom and sister and kids...And my fiancee (at the time) Daniel...As far as the boyfriend complaint the state is presenting the explanation I have is highly understandable...I was involved with Marty before this all started with the state getting involved...Well he has four kids of his own...When he found out what you all were about he bailed out on me...Well me jobless I knew I had to find another man with a job to provide for me because I couldn't get a job at the time...Then the cycle started over again...You guess it they figured out what your system was about and bailed out on me yet again and again and again...I'm sorry I have no control over men I wish I did...But I don't...I only have control over my actions...And I did everything I could to try and get a steady income I applied all I could went to numerous interviews...I tried everything...And quite honestly the only reason why I had enough money for the court orders to be finished was because a guy that was helping me out whom I claimed was my boyfriend but he really wasn't...Just because Jacqueline was going to set me up with one of her Iranian husbands friends (the kind who beat people and do it religiously)...I quickly told her that I was seeing someone already...And Jimmy happened to be the only guy in my life at the time so he was it....He was going to rent a couple of rooms to me and I was to work around the house for room and board and take care of my kids...It would have worked out but yet again he found out that you all were setting me up just to let me down...And he bailed out on me...Thus we have Daniel who had a job for 3 years and suddenly for 3 weeks he has no job and its a big deal? Excuse me? Yes its hard to get a job...Yes he quit his job...Maybe he wanted me all to himself so he set me up...You cant hold this against me...I went home during lunch today from court and found he has moved out...How great is that for me?...Not so great...I don't know why no one will hire me....I tried....I tried my hardest...The days I could get up out of bed which was pretty much the days I had to get things done for court I went out and put a few applications in at various places...The only place that would hire me quite honestly was a stripper bar...And I knew how you would look upon that...So I denied the offer...Yes your workers would have encouraged me to because its good money then turn around in court and say that I was working at a bar stripping blah blah blah so I didn't even want to take a chance with those back stabbers...PLEASE I AM BEGGING YOU GIVE ME MY CHILDREN BACK...I LOVE THEM SO MUCH...I MAY NOT BE RICH...I MAY NOT HAVE A NICE CAR...I MAY NOT EVEN HAVE A HOME YES ITS FOR SALE RIGHT NOW...BUT THAT IS A CIRCUMSTANCE YOU CANNOT FORCE SOMEONE TO TAKE CONTROL OF WHEN ITS OUT OF THEIR HANDS...WE CANT AFFORD THE PAYMENTS ANYMORE SO WE ARE HAVING TO SALE IT BECAUSE THE PEOPLE WE WERE BUYING IT FROM ARE BEING REAL PROBLEM MAKERS IN THE MIDDLE OF OUR COURT DEAL...I CANT CONTROL THAT I WISH I COULD...YOU CANT TAKE CHILDREN JUSTIFIABLY FROM ME JUST BECAUSE CIRCUMSTANCES DIDN'T RESOLVE IN THE VERY SHORT TIME PERIOD YOU EXPECTED IT TO WORK OUT IN...I am sorry but you just cant do it...I LOVE THOSE KIDS TOO MUCH!!! PLEASE YOUR HONOR GIVE ME MY CHILDREN BACK AND GIVE ME A SECOND CHANCE....The thing I truly needed from the time I called Root and Wings instead of going into the hospital I should have went to first step counseling and got guidance that I got in this last month...I just didn't know how to handle Rowsheall that was the only problem...It wasn't a drug or alcohol problem...It was a behavior problem child that I didn't know how to handle and I needed guidance...I made that mistake thinking it was me something was wrong with me...I know now it wasn't me...I know I don't need to take these pills that your workers are forcing me to take because otherwise I'm "not cooperating" the thing about that is that they said a couple days before court that I was doing everything I needed to be doing and everything...Then after court they claimed I "knew good and well what I needed to do and failed to do it and it was my own fault" so each time I walk away from this court room I would feel like a poor excuse for a human being...Is that what this system is intended to do? While a parent is knocked down...Keep her down...And steal her kids in the process...And don't take no for an answer...Make it up as you go alone...And make it impossible for the parent to get their children home...If that is the way its suppose to go...Well then I will have to congratulate you and your system because you won and did your intention...I walked in here thinking I was innocent until proven guilty...But in these cases you are guilty until proven innocent...And all you have is hearsay tough hearsay is hearsay and dismissed...Yet the state side has hearsay and its facts because they are professional workers or something...And so even though they don't write as things are stated and they don't record what is spoken their hearsay is presented and accepted...Which I think is not fair...Because they write a report after a few visits of different cases and then tries to figure out what statements go where and who said it...Which then it becomes their words against the parents and then most likely the parents are look down on because they are trying to look good so they will do anything and say anything to win...Even if they are the most honest person ever....Like myself I cannot tell a lie...Which I have learned from this experience is a very bad thing...Because you cant tell the workers fine when they ask you how you are...Or what ever...You have to tell them the truth...I feel stressed and depressed...ETC....YOUR HONOR I BEG YOU TO CONSIDER ME AS A PRIME CARE PROVIDE FOR THESE CHILDREN YES I WILL GET A JOB YES I WILL GET RID OF BOYFRIENDS NO I WILL NOT MOVE OUT OF MY MOTHERS HOUSE NO MATTER HOW MUCH YOU BELIEVE THAT SHE IS A PROBLEM SHE IS NOT SHE DOES NOT DRINK...Thank you for your time Your Honor"....But no I didn't stand up for our rights as a family...I was told we would win if I didn't say anything...When we lost...I got up tears swelling up in my eyes...choked the words "forgive them father for they know what they do...then...Walked out of the court room and collapsed to my knees sobbing and wailing I didn't under stand why they took my girls from me I am a good person I am a good mother I just had too much on my plate at one time and didn't know how to handle it the way they expected me to...I know this probably don't make sense to you...But maybe it does...I hope it does...I want you to feel the emotional roller coaster they threw me through...I did everything they told me to do...I want you to know that...But they came up with new court orders every time I walked into that court room...Just when I thought I was done...I had more to do...It was SO hard babies...I'm so sorry...I couldn't keep my emotions under control and take charge of my life like a strong mother you deserve....I don't know what you wanted to find when you looked up your names or my names or what ever it was that brought you to this site...I hope you found that I care for you and love you so much and not a day goes by that I don't think about you...I miss you sooooo much...I wish we could see each other sometime before your 18th birthday because that's so far away...And I want my questions answered soon...I hate not knowing how you both are...I hate not knowing anything about you girls...I don't even know you anymore....You probably are so grown up I wouldn't recognize you if I saw you some where in public...I haven't seen you since Aug 2002 and that's a long time to have to wait...Of course when you turn 18 2013-2014 I think will be when you turn 18...That seems like a life time...I love you too much to go that long without contact...Without knowing how you are doing...I want to know you are happy as the workers tell me...I pray you guys understand I couldn't keep my promise of you coming home...Not because I break promises its just I was mislead by the workers and Judge and Attorney and thought I could win you guys and get you home like I promised...I'm sorry I broke that promise...Don't forget about our game of hide and go seek that's suppose to last till you are 18 years old...I'm here waiting...Come and find me...I love you Very much...And cant wait to see you again... Sincerely, Your loving mother for always, Rabeka Jo (F) D
***UPDATE***
Katelyn told me to hurry up and die so she can shit on my grave and a bunch of other hurtful shit that made me want to kill myself and Rowsheall came to stay with us for a while and worked herself into a victim situation by causing drama and making us act the part of asshole and bitch so she can hate us and we can hate her and move on with our lives without each other cuz fuck we haven't needed each other thus far why the fuck do we need each other now its not like we are in a pandemic or anything and its not like I wasted all my wishes for you girls to fucking come home for what? for this? yeah I get it I can't support you like your rich adoptive parents can and you needed a way to cut ties with me to be permanent so you could keep what was good going....cuz they will cut you off for finding me but what you did was instead of finding me get to know actually me and learn my side of the story and maybe convince your adoptive parents I am not who they say I am but you did what you did instead and tore my apartment up terribly bad and said very hurtful things to me....you don't give a shit at all though, all you care about right now is you and your life and what you been through and you both were sexually abused by your adoptive dad from age 4 til you were 13 when you realized that's not how a dad should show you love...drop that bomb shell on me and make me crumble with my biggest fear...thing was...I was already crumbled...you didn't need to do what you did...I too was fucking fake happy around you...pushed through my pain to be with you most the time but I ran myself so far down in the hole I still am not okay and it is almost my 40th birthday and that is both mentally and physically...why can't the only people in my life I want to care about my life and to care about my feelings and about what all I been through and everything...they have no interest and then they wonder why I am online trying to be interested in...like people are with super stars they know all about them and can resit all facts about them...cuz that is when you finally know a person right? I give up on this dream I had of having kids who cared about me...that doesn't happen until much later in life...and hopefully by then I will still be around so I can experience it and finally be complete.
