Rowsheall Kailyn and Katelyn Marie

This is a log I am making for my two children Rowsheall Kailyn (03-1999) and Katelyn Marie (08-2000) who were wrongfully taken from me by the corrupt system called Child Protection Services. I pray that they find this site and know that I thought of them each and everyday even though I didn't post it on this site...I always think of them and pray for them and I am always prepairing for their arrival home when they become of age and can come and find me.

Thursday, March 29, 2007

Happy 8TH Birthday Rowsheall!!! I miss you so much! I love you very much! I think about you all the time! I know it don't show on this blog but I really truthfully do. I watched the video of you on your 3RD Birthday party. I got you a bike, remember? And that Robot Dog remember that? And the Doctors kit remember how I wrapped all the pieces into separate wrappings to make it seem like you had more presents than not? I thought at the time the more presents I got you the more you would know I loved you. But in reality when you were opening all those, it was rather overwhelming and I am sorry for that, I just wanted you to feel like you had tons of presents from your mommy who loves you so very much. I really miss you, I can't picture you 8 years old now! Wow you must be getting so big! I hope you had a good birthday today and got all the presents you were wanting. I will be writing to your new mommy and daddy soon so I can at least see pictures of you and your sister Katelyn. If not more, I would love more, but I feel your parents won't think I deserve anything more than pictures. So once I write it will open the door to communication and they can find out that I do deserve more and will allow me to receive more. Maybe even be able to communicate with you when you decide you want to start writing me. I keep seeing girls your age, and think to myself no there is no way you could be that big and that mature! You are still Three years old in my mind, but you have to be that big and mature cause you can't stay 3 forever. I hope you are doing well in school and being nice to your sister and nice family I know God Blessed you with. I hope they are as good as I wish I could have been if I would have won the court hearings, and got the chance to prove that I would be fine if you just came home to me. But that didn't happen and I am sorry that I couldn't fight harder, I really shouldn't say that cause I tried as hard as I possibly could physically try. I hope you do understand when the day comes to share this blog with you. I have some bad news for you not meaning to ruin your birthday, but you should know. Your grandmother Sally F has been diagnosed with Skin cancer stage 3 and also she has Breast cancer again in the same side she had removed. I am not sure if she will be around by the time you do come home to be with me, but I will do my best to keep her strong and fight to see you again. She misses you both so very much! Life has been so very hard here lately and I have had hardly anytime to do much with this blog, and I am so sorry. I will write all the blog entries in your journal I am writing for you and your sister. All that are on here, and all that are on other blogs I am more active on, so you know that I did at least think of you that day cause I noted it in my blog entry. I love you so very much and I hope Grandma is around when you come home finally. I cannot promise anything though, it is in God's hands after all. And we are living in His time not ours. Your brothers are ornery as ever, but getting better. I still have yet to request help from super nanny, so maybe you will see me on that show someday. I just am waiting till I seriously cannot handle it anymore. I do need help, but its hard to get it when everyone is so busy around me. Anyway I hope you had a wonderful Birthday! I miss you! I love you! I can't wait to see you again! Sincerely, Your loving Birth Mother, Rabeka Jo D (dob 5-1980)

Monday, January 08, 2007

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn, I am trying to write to your adoptive parents, the words are hard to come by though. I don't know how to ask them for pictures of you girls without sounding heartless or too informative. I don't want to overwhelm them with my first letter, but I want them to know that I deserve pictures of you girls. I am getting my counselors help with it. So hopefully soon I will write to them and at least get to see your smiling faces again. I love you and miss you both very much. I think about you both every waking hour. I Love you very much. Even though I have two new baby boys, they do not replace you. There is a huge hole in my heart where you two belong. I can't wait to be able to hold you in my arms again. Talk to you soon. I plan to write more often. Just havn't found the time sorry. I do think of you often just because I don't post on here it doesn't mean I don't think about you nor love you...I do more than you will ever know. Sincerely, Your Loving Birth mom Rabeka Jo (f) D 5-1980

Monday, September 25, 2006

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn, I miss you all so very much and I cant seem to say that enough. Im still trying hard to write the letter to your parents, but still cant seem to find the right words...I really want to write them but I just cant keep it short and simple and sound professional cause that isnt me at all. So Ive been trying to put my heart out on a limb and get my heart into the letters and so far Ive gotten a long one just gotta downsize it a bit so I can send it and not overwhelm them too much with my jabbering letter. Anyways I miss you so much I got some angel cherubs and painted them to look like you two...blond with brown eyes and brown hair with blue eyes....they are beautiful I think just as you...and I plan on talking with these angels when I miss you. It helps believe it or not...its kind of like a tomb stone for a mourning survivor. Anyways I love you guys so much. Sincerely, Your loving biological mother, Rabeka Jo (f) D 5-1980

Thursday, September 15, 2005

Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn, Your new brother Jack Elliott was born Sept. 2005 and was 8lbs 1.5oz and 21 inches long. Your other brother Dylan Jacob doesnt know what to think just like you Rowsheall when I had you Katelyn. I find myself in familiar ground but this time Im trying hard not to relive history and loose these two new additions to my family as I lost you two cause I failed to be strong and fight harder than I could physically stand. I stressed hard when I was fighting for you girls and I fought as hard as I could. Im sorry I couldnt get over everything I had faced all at once within the 15 months that I was allowed to get my life together. I was battling new things while trying to over come the past and it was a very emotional and physically draining time in my life when you two were taken from me. I am so sorry I didnt win. I wish I could go back and change quite a few things. Of course thats why they say that knowing what the out come would be is 20/20...and there aint nothing I can do about it. Im trying hard to write a letter to your adoptive parents right now but I cant get the words right, Im trying not to seem too overwhelming and Im requesting pictures of you girls cause I got the ok from topeka. But like I said finding the right words is hard for me. I want to tell them everything that happened but dont want to overwhelm them with the truth. Truth hurts and I dont want them to feel like they have stolen goods, as you two in my heart I feel are. I really want to get your pictures so I can make scrap books and keep up on everything that has happened and does happen in your lives so I can feel apart of it even only from a distance. I miss you two so very much and wish I could hold you in my arms each waking moment of my life here without you. I hope you can feel the extra squeezes I give your brothers cause those are for you two. I miss you two so very much. Since I started to write this and saved it in drafts I just now am finishing it after your youngest brothers first birthday. Sorry it took me so long to finish it but life got busy...very busy...with Dylan and Jack constantly needing my attention...and me facing so much of the same things as I did with you...I am now more educated than I was back in the day when you were with me. Thats all I needed back then and I got you guys taken from me...no guidance...just up and taken from me. Oh well you probably have a better life than I could have ever given you. I love you girls so much and wish you were with me but in my heart I hope and pray you are in a better place than you would be with me. Everything happens for a reason even though we cant see it in the moment there is always an ending to it all and looking back it will make sense why we had to be apart so long. I love you and think of you often and will continue to think about you and pray for you and love you each and every waking hour of my life. Sincerely, Your loving birth mother, Rabeka Jo D