Happy late thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving baby girls! I hope you were surrounded by your family and had a very good Thanksgiving feast. We had my husbands parents and great grandpa and nephew Jordan over and though short and sweet visit...I felt it lacked so much more than words can describe...I am so very thankful that Rowsheall turns 18 in end of March and can come find me :) of course I understand if you all wanna wait until Katelyn turns in Aug 2018 to come so both y'all can come meet me...but I do hope to see you soon!
I had my surgery on my back July 22, 2016 and so far doctors still don't want to treat my pain. I am fine until I bend over...about to just stop taking all meds and be done with the control over my life...meaning doctors holding control over my relief...which is frustrating to no end...I am frustrated and stressed...J your 11 yr old brother broke his arm your 2 yr old sister had to have caps put on her teeth because the tooth paste you get for toddlers is just full of candy...ugh...so anyways been a rough month for us all...we are nearing bankruptcy so taxes can't come any sooner for us...and depression in my life is peaked...I can't even take a shower because motivation is just not there...cps was called on us again (2nd time since D was born and the initial inspection) this time because D been a bit challenging here lately...he turned 13 day after Thanksgiving so that explains a lot in its self...so that sent me for a whirl into depression...and still recuperating....feel like the cps is lurking outside my door ready to strike any moment...especially since they know now I have a 2 yr old girl...so...I am on edge...anyway I am thankful I have what I have and what I had...I cannot change the past...wish i could...I wouldn't have allowed that babysitter to watch you girls and pulled myself together and just did what I had to do...
Looking at my daughter I realize something I hate myself for with Rowsheall and I cannot get into details on here but for what it is worth I am so sorry and wish I had a better pediatrician who didn't tell me it was normal for some to have...that is all I am going to say...but I failed at realizing something that could have been handled differently and I am so sorry...wish I could change things...but I can't...
Anyways, I am doing okay considering the realization of things, and circumstances out of my control...I'm hanging in barely but I am trying to rise up above it all...just struggling but still here breathing...soon as you girls come home and I know you lived a great life I will hope to snap the rest the way out of this dark place and start to climb back up to the light...I miss you so much and love you more than you will ever know xoxo!
See you soon!
Love you and miss you bunches!
Sincerely,
Your loving waiting birth mother,
Rabeka Jo  (F) D
D.o.b. 5-1980

Update

August 15, 2016 UPDATE forgot to post: My back surgery went good so the revolving door hospital said...I never seen the surgeon after surgery and only in passing at my two week appointment I seen him as I walked by...so strange I thought I'd see him more than just the consult thought I'd see him before surgery but not even that...they sent me home I believe a day earlier than I should of been sent...imho...but I got through it with my stressed out husband...poor guy...I had surgery July 22nd and now incision hurts still a bit and my back twinge from time to time but I think I'm getting through this all with flying colors and we been playing Pokémon go a lot! The hatching of eggs helps motivate me to walk farther than I probably should but hey gotta get them hatched lol...I can't wait to be able to ride my bike again...I been using a wheeled walker with a seat on it so I can stop and take a break when I need to or when I wanna battle gyms lol...anyways

Btw...I been depressed because...my oldest son is quite the challenge at age 12 nearly 13...very verbally abusive towards me and his brother...nothing we do helps...idk why he is the way he is...idk blame myself...I been fearful all his life of losing him like I did you girls I guess...so I been pretty withdrawn...so I wouldn't get hurt when it happened because I know if I did lose him I would die...I would not eat I wouldn't take care of myself because I would not go through all that I did only to lose him like I did you girls...I thought I would be better once I seen the boys past 3 years old...but I lost your sister Josephine to Turner syndrome and hlhs....so depression still grasped hold of me then we moved and things got better and got pregnant again things were going in the right direction...then bam...stillborn brother River and back to depression then had Evangeline your sister and then moved back here...and no things again were going great...then Dylan started getting worse with the verbal abuse...and now I just can't get on top of my depression...without him knocking me back down with his remarks about me and they way I do things criticizing everything I do and say...yes I'm being bullied by my son who is 12...he physically hurt me before my back surgery...after back surgery he suggested to put me in a nursing home because life was awesome without me home while I was at the hospital...he says I chose to have the back surgery and it's not that big a deal as I make it out to be...just hateful...crying now just typing it out...silly really...I shouldn't be bothered...he is just a kid...but when Rowsheall said she hated me I cried...she was throwing a fit...I started to cry and instead of guiding me how to handle it...the supervisor just told me if I don't stop crying she would have to end the visit so I had to suck it up and just listen to devastating words coming out my babies mouth that hurt me so deep...I'm sensitive...I'm guess...maybe I shouldn't have kids...maybe they were right for taking you girls...I keep going round and round with this...and get worked up over it...deep down I know I didn't deserve you girls to be taken...that it was all set up...that I was not the poor excuse for a human being they made me feel I was the day they ruled us apart...but it ruined me...still to this day I can't discipline your siblings I'm too scared they will be taken from me...probably why they are the way they are, they know I won't do nothing about it and they know all the buttons to push to get me to shut down and they get their way...
Sorry went on tangent on your birthday....love you.

It also didn't help that I finally found someone who I had fibromyalgia and back issues like me and turned out she was a child molester so I couldn't be her friend because she is a known sex offender and if I had let her in my home and allowed my son to go to her house to play with her son that would be frowned on in court and I could lose my kids...she went psycho on me after I told her how I was scared of the courts taking my kids and how it would kill me if they were taken from me...she then tried putting a protection from stalking on me and my son...totally baffled me but I am never going to court without a lawyer...screw that...so I paid $300 for a lawyer and went to court she didn't show up it was dismissed and thought it was over...um...no...she filed a set aside dismissal came to court again she was supposed to provide papers that explained why she missed court she thought her word was gold I guess and claimed her son had an "episode" of emotional distress that was caused by me and my son...I cried...I'm totally devastated and can't do court I'm suffering from ptsd and having flash backs of fighting for you girls....so court is ruled to reschedule in 3 weeks so she comes with one paper but judge asks for the paper of the first court date she missed she couldn't get that so dismissed again...I was nice the first few times I signed for her paperwork when it was sent to the wrong address but she is harassing me by dragging me through court repeatedly and I didn't have to sign for anything if I chose not to so returned to sender address I'm not at said address...honestly idk if she sent another because I pretty much had surgery and wasn't ever home before that cuz I was out busy playing Pokémon go...when the mail came through...I need to ask the mail lady someday soon...see what she says...I filed a harassment suit on this nightmare of a idk if woman is the name I'd even use for her...because it is harassment taking me to court over and over when I don't stalk her...and my son has stopped seeking out her son...now her son how ever rides past our house a lot and tempts my son but he holds back...and my boys are not allowed past the alley towards her house....they have to go the long way to friends houses that are in that direction...anyways I'm depressed cuz it figures my luck I find someone who has lots in common and I'd be endangering my son's if I affiliated myself with her...I had every right to tell my son's she was an offender...it's public knowledge...her son claims my son said a bunch of bully things and she claims she pulled her son from school but in fact he was expelled for pulling the fire alarm...they are just liars and I'm glad they are out of our lives...good riddance....my son denies everything that was said about him saying things and doing things...how it was twisted and at first I didn't believe him because he had been lying lately...but when he was emotionally distraught because I wasn't believing my own son I had to believe him because why would he get that upset if what he was saying was lies...so dumb...very stressful and depressing...and traumatizing for me...I can't do anymore court especially the kind that works me up for nothing....and dismissed then set aside again and again...I ain't got time nor energy to waste on such undesired place and proceedings over petty shit like my son can't play with your son but you still allow your son to ride his bike and walk by my house but yet my kid can't do that by yours bullshit....sorry this upsets me to no end...now that surgery is done...I still don't want to...my anxiety just thinking about it makes me emotionally unable to function...my anxiety med is no longer helping and even makes me irritable...cops are at least on my side...and my son's I am not letting out of my sight if they go outside to play or go down to the local park to play...they got bullied and had a knife pulled on them even if it was pointed towards the turtle and my son claims he didn't feel he was threatened by the knife...felt it was directed at the turtle...which soon after my younger son just told my oldest to just give the turtle to the bully and they shot a basket with the turtle and made the poor thing bleed...anyways I called the cops pressed charges on the kid...for battery because whole struggling to keep the turtle from this bully, the bully tore his shirt...and grabbed my son by the arm trying to get the turtle...so done with this drug filled neighborhood with horrible kids left and right...can't get no breaks...it's constant drama...anyways thanks for listening sorry to vent it all on your blog but this is what is up with me...I want to stay here until you girls find me but idk if I can wait that long...there was a full clip unloaded (gun shots) a few houses down a few months ago...just a bad neighborhood this has turned into and I want out ASAP hopefully before anyone of us get hurt too terribly bad...or fatally...I figured it would be easy to find me if we still had this house but we are finding it difficult to make two house payments without a reliable renter...and credit advanced cash withdrawals to cover them and bills is not helping our finances and the credit bill is just going up and it's not working out...and bout to let one go back to the bank and take the hit or put one up for sale...something has to happen soon...or we won't make it till tax season again...my big stardom on YouTube isn't happening yet but I haven't been able to sit through game play on computer since surgery...hope to make it big soon...anyways I feel better now thanks for listening...love you both.
Possibly will take this down or not publish it...idk yet
Sincerely your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo  (F) D dob 05-1980

P.s. it is Sept 15, 2016 now and my pain management Doctor stopped being my doctor because I snapped back at the nurse who was implying I was not obeying Doctor orders when I was and just every time I called for a refill she would give me grief about it claiming it's not time for a refill yet that the quantity should have lasted me a whole month and just implying I was in the wrong before talking to the doctor...I snapped the last time...I can't be treated like that and made to cry...and feel I don't matter and my pain isn't important....so I have to go all the way to Hutchinson Kansas to go see a pain management Doctor unless I can find one here in town I can go to...the one in hutch can't see me until end of November so this is a hard place to be and I'm very depressed and in pain prior to yesterday...yesterday I went in to see my surgeon and she prescribed me some percocet 5 to hopefully get me through until end of November so I'm relieved for now...now to convince my family doctor to keep prescribing my gabapentin if not I found a 2010 script I guess I will be forced to take and hope it helps get me through until I go to the pain management Doctor...anyways...still struggling with depression...your brother is still a bully...still not sure if I will post this or not...but it's nice to vent

Dear Girls,

CPS has been called on me and I am stressed out...It is because of D your brother and his inability to mind me has frustrated me to no end and actually one episode left me hurt. I had back surgery on July 22, 2016 to fuse my L5S1 and he was being a bully to his brother like usual and I end up trying to record him and he wrestled my phone out of my hands to delete the video and I got hurt wrestling him down to the ground and I vented to the wrong person...they turned me in...CPS is supposed to be coming out to the house to talk to the boys and my husband...and then she is going to recommend services like counseling but that is about all...she claims nothing is wrong with my home...and I am having a hard time accepting what she says as truth because of what the workers involved with our case said one thing to my face then in court it was total opposite and I am so anxious and depressed and I can't even begin to imagine life without my kids like I have had to be without you girls...I miss you both so very much and I cannot wait until March when Rowsheall turns 18 and she can come find me!...I hope I am not a disappointment to you...and I hope we can create a bond that I missed out on building over the last several years...so sad without you girls...losing your brothers and sister will be the death of me...I pray they don't get taken and that the woman is actually telling the truth and won't back stab me like the workers in our families case....
What makes me mad is most people don't believe me about it. But I know why they don't believe...because that would put them and their families at risk of the same fate as our family....and I totally get that...and understand why people are skeptical about how our situation turned out...and what lead up to it all being finalized...cuz I had to of done something wrong to deserve such fate...

But I was just young dumb and believed people and trusted people...obviously I didn't learn...I vented to the wrong person and now here I am with a can of worms opened up on us and I can't handle it...

I seriously think postpartum hits me late...and that was what was going on when you girls ended up taken...and I reached out for help and it was my biggest mistake of my life...I never should have gotten help...I should of just kept trying...not admit defeat...that was my wrong I did was reach out for help...

Anyways, I love you girls with all my heart and I can't wait to hold you in my arms again....

Sincerely,
Your Loving Birth Mother,
Rabeka (F) D
dob 5-1980

Happy birthday Katelyn!

Dear Katelyn,
Wow sweet 16 today?! Two more years until you are 18 and can come finally find me and I can hold you in my loving arms that have ache for so long to hold you two girls again! I wouldn't blame Rowsheall for waiting until your 18th birthday to come find me...both of you at the same time is totally up to y'all what you want to do...I really hope I don't disappoint you...I can't wait though!
I pray you all have a great life and are growing up Christian and have a loving caring family. God I know led you girls to the parents who conceived you in their hearts and wanted you for so long! And I hope they treated you both like princesses that you should feel you are...but stern when you needed it.
I love and miss you girls so very much...I still think about you both daily multiple times a day and it hurts me deeply that I have no idea who you girls are...I watch the three videos I have of you girls and just am so filled with disbelief that you grew bigger than the girls I see in the video...I can't imagine what you girls look like but I hope you favor me and are more beautiful than me (because you both deserve to be far more beautiful than I am or ever have been) I also cannot wait to meet your parents and thank them for raising you girls as their own...I am so appreciative of their dedication to taking on two girls so close in age...I know I was challenged but I was a single mom trying to take on the world.
Anyways...i love you hope you get all you wish for on your birthday today!
Miss you! Love you! Can't wait to see you and hold you again! We are in the home stretch! I do want y'all sooner of course but not sure if you can or not...I hope you can and will! Your brothers are eager to meet y'all and get to know you...
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo  (F) D dob 05-1980

Going to have a fusion done on my L5S1 disc

So my discogram showed my disc in the L5S1 is the cause of all my discomfort I am facing with my leg pain...so they are going in removing the disc replacing space with a plastic mesh that will allow the bones to fuse together and then a metal plate that will be screwed into the top vertebrae and bottom vertebrae...
There are risks with all surgeries and I hope and pray this is the answer I been looking for...and finally find relief without medication dependency to function in my everyday life. I also pray I walk away from the surgery...if not God must have a better plan for me than I had wanted. I'm learning to roll with the punches life swings at me...doesn't mean it doesn't devastated me at first doesn't mean it hurts less...just means I won't go extreme and wish to die anymore especially when life gets hard...it's so easy to get to that point...with each passing failure in my life I find myself headed down that road of despair but I'm getting better...
I have lots of stress from a psycho down my street ATM and I dont need her adding stress to my life...already wasted $300 on an attorney and i couldn't afford that and now have to pay more to continue going into court and her not have her paperwork she needs and the case is dismissed only for her to turn around and file a set aside dismissal and drag me back to court...which I'm facing PTSD symptoms because the horror I faced when l lost you girls... total distraught and devastated washes over me when I see court papers with false accusations on the damn papers... what she is trying to do is get a protection from stalking on me and your brother Dylan claims my actions of telling my children to stay away from her until I researched my involvement with her as a "friend" with me being a mother of two boys and a little girl, what the courts of family protection would say about my involvement with her and her son...confused yet? Well she is a registered sex offender to a 15 year old in 2000 she claims it was a set up to get black mailed but she was prosecuted and has to register as a sex offender for life. She never allowed me to research she suddenly got this pfs on me and Dylan but didn't show to first court date then didn't have proof she missed the first court date for "her son having an episode and having to take him in for emergency mental health care because of all that has happened due to my actions and words...I don't want to lose my family to gain a friend...not worth it to me...now she feels she needs a piece of paper stating our friendship is over...I haven't talked/texted/nothing since first court papers...I'm done with her...she says she doesn't do drama but all she is is gossip and drama...she expects in the end of court $4000 for moving expenses and for me to pay court fees etc...what a joke huh? So I'm stressed...on top of surgery on the 22nd...I'm an emotional train wreck...I hope it blows over soon...I'm about to move out of town and rent and sell the houses and be done with home ownership I'm so over everything falling apart...and having to be the ones to fix it or pay someone to fix it...I hate to see my childhood home...kinda want to stay until you come home so you can see it...since we all lived here with Grandma Sally aunt Jami and me and you two girls...but if this cunt doesn't stop causing me emotionally distress and not to mention a van down the street had a full clip unloaded into it awhile back...I can't get out of here faster...but have so much down sizing to get done so we can move ourselves again since no one volunteers to help...knows we are moving...but no one offers to help...but when we are asked to help move someone we help...idk what we did wrong...don't know why no one is there for us in times of need...and get criticism when asking for financial help to resolve this whole neighbor drama with the attorney fees...(my brother)
Anyway I'm sorry to go off on a tangent about this all...but it's quite upsetting to me.
Anyways,
Mommy Beky loves you girls so much it hurts so deep...I can't imagine losing my kids I have now too...that would destroy me...I wouldn't eat...I would shut down and wait for death cuz I can't go through another round of court order bs that after done wasn't done fast enough and my best wasn't good enough... leaving me to feel like the poorest excuse for a human being...
Love you both! Hope to see you soon!

Sincerely your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
DOB. 5-1989

Dearest daughters of mine

I have so much excitement I can't hardly stand it! March 29, 2017 and Aug 15, 2018 can't get here fast enough! I can't wait for you to meet your brothers and sister...and I pray I don't disappoint you...I feel worthless in this moment because of my L5S1 bulging and leaking fluid causing me unimaginable pain in my legs and back and butt...I called to set up the surgery to fix it I don't have a date yet...it may take them 4-6 weeks to get approval from my insurance before we can even get it scheduled then its going to be 4-6 weeks recovery time...so 2-4 months I should be healed enough to be able to ease myself back into activity and regain my life and start doing what I want to do...participate in life without pain medication...
I have ran into some stressful times and I don't understand it...and most my counseling I have done over the many years to fix my thoughts about how my children are extensions of my body and I have full control over them is slowly coming undone...I am having PTSD because the court papers remind me of the papers I received that defined what happened to lead to the worst day of my life...I have a paid lawyer this time...I am never going to court without one EVER again...but still feel anxiety and depression and shut down and cry for no reason out of the blue...and yeah PTSD full swing...
I would go into details about the situation but going to hold off on that until its over...because I don't think I can talk about it on a public blog until its done and over with...and even then I won't be able to say names and that is fine...I would rather not have their name on my blog...
Gosh I miss you girls so very much you must be so very big...I hope you all feel accepted and loved...
I fear I am failing with the boys...they are tweens (10 and 12 going to be 13 soon) and man such drama encircles them...I have way too much on my plate with just them and to add this other drama to my life 2nd go round with this court thing because first time was dismissed because the lady didn't even show up to court...she filed for a motion to modify the protection from stalking order and set aside the dismissal...wtfe that means...I am emotionally and physically distraught and can't stop crying and all I want to do is either sleep or cry....I was trying to have fun and play games and record myself  doing so and then yeah no can't do that now cuz I end up in tears...just out of no where for no reason....stupid...hate it...I can't make money I can't get audience...if I don't go live on twitch and play....and don't upload...but Dylan is very hateful towards me too and that makes me shut down also...I want to be big on youtube I want to make a living and enjoy my job....life just keeps knocking me down when I think I am at the top...and this whole court thing is just rekindling the horrible feelings I felt when I lost you girls...I miss you so very much and wish I could hold you and know all about your life you lived and see you grow through pictures...

Anyways I must go I keep crying and can't see the screen,
Sincerely,
your loving  birth mother,
Rabeka (F) D dob 5-1980
please contact me as soon as you can I can't stand to wait any longer than your 18th birthdays!

Dearest Girls,
I got the most precious most desired presents I could ever imagine today on my 36th birthday today! I am still in utter shock of the whole receiving and I keep looking through just in awe and disbelief its real....
I am so happy! I love you both so very much...I am going to have back surgery in the near future to have my L5S1 disc removed and fused together and after that is scheduled I will be down and out for 4-6 weeks after that...and hopefully after recovery I will experience NO pain and be able to live my life normally and even enjoy some activities I have always wanted to get into...I am horrified but at the same time I am excited because of the pain free possibility and pain pill dependency on normalcy will be a thing of the past is what I mostly am excited about...I don't like being on them...but I know I cannot function without them...the pain is far too great to manage on my own...God helped me through my last pregnancy miraculously but now I am worse than ever...and there is no other way to fix this other than pills or surgery...I don't want pills so I am agreeing to do the surgery...I love you both so very much and I hope to be fully recovered by the time you come and find me....I can't wait! I am so excited!
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Dob: 5/1980
your loving birth mother longing to hold you in my arms again xoxo

Discogram results

Dear Girls,

It is highly recommended that I have a Disc Fusion on my L5S1 I can schedule it at anytime. it has a 80% success rate...so pretty good outcomes...I still am in the air about deciding to do the surgery or not...I want to talk to someone who had it done and how well they can bend over to pick up things etc.
It seems my disc just isn't stable and won't heal on its own...even with steroid injections...I wanna wait a year just to see if I can take it easy and allow it to heal on its own...before I commit to such an invasive procedure...anyway...I love you girls...I don't want to be bed ridden when you finally come home to me...but I have to schedule this surgery 4-6 weeks out and then it takes me 4-6 weeks to heal and for the bones to fuse together...so two months to 3 months I will be waiting and then healing...I am not sure I want to do this or not...I know I don't want the spasms and I don't want the constant ache in my legs...but also don't want to have to go through such an invasive procedure gambling if it works well for me or not....
Anyway, thought I would update you on that...
Sincerely,
Your Loving Birth Mother
Rabeka Jo (dob 5-1980)

Happy 17th birthday Rowsheall!!! 365 more days to go!

Dear Rowsheall,
I'm so excited that 265 days are left until you are 18 and can come find me! It's been 17 years since you been outside my protective body and its been 13 years and 7 months since I last held you in my loving arms, told you I loved you thiiiiiis much, kissed you, and seen your face. That is
4,962 days I've been without my sunshine (of course Katelyn included). So close yet so far until you can legally come find me and our game I told you about on our last visit (of hide and seek) can finally come to an end. I shouldn't be too hard to find since I'm still in the same house I was in back then. And I'm so ready for this day to get here!
At 2:16am you came into my life. I couldn't wait to meet you and here I feel I've been pregnant all these years waiting for your arrival to see your face, touch your face, hug you and kiss you and hold you and tell you I love you.
I hope I don't disappoint you in who you think I am or should be. I'm also hoping the system didn't fail you in placement and pray you lived a happy fulfilled life thus far! I'm here arms wide open waiting for you baby girl! See you so very soon!
Sincerley,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
DOB 05/1980
PS. I was going to send this at your birth time but I need to go to sleep xoxo

Today I go for discogram

This was wrote awhile back idk why it was saved as a draft...

Well girls sorry I haven't been writing but I don't feel like repeating myself anymore than I already have...I hope to see you next year Rowsheall and the year after Katelyn and its OK if you Rowsheall wanna wait for Katelyn to come of age to come find me together. I'm waiting with arms wide open.

So today I am going in for a discogram to see if what the doctors think is going on with the disc leaking fluid that is irritating the nerves down my legs causing the pain I am in...I'm nervous...but glad Dr Scott is doing it...he is very good at what he does...I nearly welcome paralysis if it means I no longer have to face the invisible pain no one believes exists and treat me like an addict...but I know I am not because I went through hell for months without meds hurting worse than ever...so anyway...I love you girls so very much and I can't wait to hold you in my loving arms...I miss you both so terribly bad...I'm about to rip the DVD of you girls and me and place them on YouTube so people can see you girls and maybe you can find it to find me...I love you girls so very very much and I cannot wait to see you and hold you again....I lost my aunt Carol recently and just the other day my uncle David Jon...so having a rough time on top of my physical pain but I've pulled through worse times so I can pull through these as well...I love you both so very much! Hope you are both happy and healthy and thriving...I miss you both so very much my body aches to hold you again.
Hope to see you both soon...xoxo
Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo D (F)
DOB 5-1980