Happy Easter Baby Girls

Dear Rowsheall Kailyn and Katelyn Marie,

Happy Easter baby Girls Mommy hopes you have a wonderful day today hunting eggs with your family and friends and eating a Easter Feast and maybe even going to church service and learning about the reason why we celebrate today...I can't believe it's our 11th Easter away from each other but it is...I hope all those Easters before was wonderful for you also...the boys are ready to hunt eggs in the morning...and then have a feast tomorrow with our family (Drew family) It will no doubt be empty without you girls, my mom Sally (your grandma), and Dylan and Jack's Aunt Melissa (I guess she is your aunt too because mommy is married to her brother) Anyway babies I hate to leave this short, I just wanted to drop a quick line to you both...Love you so very much miss you terribly bad...I can't wait to see you in 4/5 years maybe 6 I hope not too much longer after 6 if it has to be postponed...anyway...I love you both so very much! I can't wait really I can't...

Love you so much see you soon!

Sincerely,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

p.s. Mommy is having trouble with her legs hurting badly...they ruled out all muscle diseases by doing a biopsy on her leg muscle...everything is normal far as muscles go...so next I guess we go to a back specialist and see if it is related to my lower back being bent over and over again my legs do tend to get worse...anyway....in Sad news Katelyn's grandma on her Dad Kenneth Raymond Fairchild's side passed away awhile ago and it was sad because she never got to meet you just like your dad never met you because I was so sure that Bruce was your father and for that I can never forgive myself...and I don't expect anyone else to forgive me...anyway I love you both I hope your dad is still around Katelyn when you come find me so you can see him and get to know him also...he is a really nice guy and why I didn't stay with him I may never know...I guess I was meant to be with Johnny...even if I struggle with some of my pet peves day to day...I just take it one day at a time...least I can do with all I have done through our 10 year marriage...(this July 2013 will be 10 years)...Anyways talk to you later and see you soon! Love you both!

To my Sweet 14 year old daughter

Dear Rowsheall Kailyn,
Mommy keeps writing the same things over and over again on how much I miss you dearly and how much I love you so very much...but the pain still aches to see your face and touch you and hold you once more...it hurts so bad...I cry just thinking about our reunion in four years maybe five depending on if you wait until your sister is old enough...which I understand if you do decide to wait for her to be able to also see me and let me hold her also...I hope you had a wonderful Birthday yesterday...sorry I didn't write that day but I thought of you throughout the day and day dreamed of you being surrounded by all your loving family and friends maybe even a sleep over with your best friend or two...I wish I could have been there for you...I can't imagine you being 14 (same things I say every year I know but I really can't imagine you being any older than 3 when I last saw you)...I wish I could see you now but I know that isn't possible...especially now that laws changed when we got a new government runner person...they screwed me just as the system that took you screwed me...I called Lori she told me I could send stuff to someone in town and they would send it to Topeka and put it in a file for you when you turn 18 and come searching for me...thats all I can do...I will send this blog info to that folder and if I have the time and money to print this entire blog off and send it I will but it maybe more difficult than I think...because I lack that motivation to do all that with the doubt that comes to mind when I think of you turning 18 and don't come looking for me which I know is a possibility but I can only hope and keep dreaming that you do seek me out like I told you could once you turned 18...we counted stuffed animals to 18 on Aug 29, 2002 on our last visit...you were very confused about what I meant and I am not sure how long it took you to realize you wouldn't be able to see me again until your 18...I hope you don't hate me...I hope you have the good day dreams I have where your happy, healthy and have everything your heart desires...

The boys Dylan and Jack your brothers are very excited to see you in 4 years...they are sad that they won't be able to before hand in pictures or whatever the adoptive parents would allow you to be involved in our lives...heart breaking really...they definitely don't make my life very easy sometimes because they want so badly to see you both they cry and make me cry too and we cry together...

I called Lori Chandler through SRS the lady who handled our case...she checked for loops for me to be able to get pictures of you girls but there were none...they changed everything...so I am stuck not knowing what you look like or who you have become or what you like or anything until you come find me and bless our lives with us being able to finally know you and be there for you...

Anyway, I hope your day was Blessed with everyone and everything your heart desires (sorry if I am the one you lacked today as being someone you wanted there for your birthday I would be there if I could baby) If I had the chance I would jump on the opportunity to come and be there for you I would in a heartbeat!

Love you so very much and miss you terribly bad....I can't wait I am about to count the days until your 18th birthday with paper rings (like you may have done in school) but 365x4 would be 1,540 rings and that is a bit long of a chain I will definitely will do one with one year to go and hope I can keep remembering to tear off each ring as days go by but I am sure with the eagerness of it all I will no doubt remember and wish I could tear more than one off to bring you closer to your 18th birthday so we can see each other again...I love you so much I will talk to you again later...

Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D