Place your bets

Having my seventh and final baby well third for here with me anyways place your bets here http://bellybets.com/gameboard-main-1002520 no prizes just fun :-) enjoy!

Halloween is coming up...

Hello girls,
I was just thinking about you girls and wonder if you are too old now to dress up for Halloween or not and if not what you would be this year...
I also had a fun fact for Rowsheall not sure if I said it before or not but here it is...you were almost named Meesha Katrina Lyn H. how crazy would that of been? Rowsheall I was going to nick name you Shelby  later in your life but never got the chance...you dad Bruce called you Critter while you were in mommy's tummy.
Katelyn I had help from my sister Jami Lyn and mom, and best friend Lisa Marie...with your name and pretty much was sold on your name first time we decided what it would be a combination of my sister and best friend's names...
I love you girls so very much and miss you so much, I can't wait to see you again...
I also have some good news and ask for positive prayers not prayers that say don't and cancel out negative words...I ask for prayers that say what we want and that is to have a happy healthy living breathing baby that will stay here with the living on earth for a long life....yes that is right April 12, 2014 I am due to have another baby. We don't know what it is yet, and have a detailed sonogram coming up that hopefully will tell us that and that its a healthy happy baby. I am excited. No matter what happens this will be my last baby I am to get fixed so I can't have any more after this happy ending or not. My body won't make it through another baby after this...and I am hoping it will make it through this last one.
Rowsheall you were due April 10, 1999 I had you March 29th instead...Katelyn you were due Aug 10, 2000 I think and was actually born the 15th...you have two brothers with me waiting to meet you and a sister and brother in heaven waiting to meet you too along with grandma Sally...I hope this baby will be here also waiting for you to meet you...I will keep you posted.
I love you miss you and can't wait to hold you again...you were and always will be my biggest loss I have experienced in my life...and nothing my life can throw at me will ever change the way I feel about the situation that led us lives apart.
Sincerely,
your loving birth mother who is waiting with open arms,
Rabeka Jo (F) D xoxoxo

Happy birthday Katelyn!

Dear Katelyn, 

Wow you're 13?! Can't imagine you that big I still see you holding your feet swinging them around in your diapers and your little top knot hair do up do the foster mom always put you girls in...man you're a teenager now! I'm a mom to two teenagers? Wow how did that happen?! I blinked I guess.

I hope you had a wonderful birthday today and got surrounded by your family and friends and had cake and ice cream and got everything you wanted for your birthday.

I miss you and your sister so much it hurts every waking moment of every single day and I'm counting on in five years you coming home to me! Only five more years then I get to hold you in my arms again?! I can't wait! The last 11 years has flown by so five years is nothing compared to what it's been! I can't wait! And I'm sorry if I can't let you go for a long time when I do finally get to hold you again in my arms...but I won't be able to help myself!

I love you so much! I can't wait to see you and your sister soon!

Talk to you again soon!

Sincerely,

Your loving biological mother who is waiting with her arms stretched wide for your return home to me!

Rabeka Jo D (F) dob 5/1980

Happy Easter Baby Girls

Dear Rowsheall Kailyn and Katelyn Marie,

Happy Easter baby Girls Mommy hopes you have a wonderful day today hunting eggs with your family and friends and eating a Easter Feast and maybe even going to church service and learning about the reason why we celebrate today...I can't believe it's our 11th Easter away from each other but it is...I hope all those Easters before was wonderful for you also...the boys are ready to hunt eggs in the morning...and then have a feast tomorrow with our family (Drew family) It will no doubt be empty without you girls, my mom Sally (your grandma), and Dylan and Jack's Aunt Melissa (I guess she is your aunt too because mommy is married to her brother) Anyway babies I hate to leave this short, I just wanted to drop a quick line to you both...Love you so very much miss you terribly bad...I can't wait to see you in 4/5 years maybe 6 I hope not too much longer after 6 if it has to be postponed...anyway...I love you both so very much! I can't wait really I can't...

Love you so much see you soon!

Sincerely,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

p.s. Mommy is having trouble with her legs hurting badly...they ruled out all muscle diseases by doing a biopsy on her leg muscle...everything is normal far as muscles go...so next I guess we go to a back specialist and see if it is related to my lower back being bent over and over again my legs do tend to get worse...anyway....in Sad news Katelyn's grandma on her Dad Kenneth Raymond Fairchild's side passed away awhile ago and it was sad because she never got to meet you just like your dad never met you because I was so sure that Bruce was your father and for that I can never forgive myself...and I don't expect anyone else to forgive me...anyway I love you both I hope your dad is still around Katelyn when you come find me so you can see him and get to know him also...he is a really nice guy and why I didn't stay with him I may never know...I guess I was meant to be with Johnny...even if I struggle with some of my pet peves day to day...I just take it one day at a time...least I can do with all I have done through our 10 year marriage...(this July 2013 will be 10 years)...Anyways talk to you later and see you soon! Love you both!

To my Sweet 14 year old daughter

Dear Rowsheall Kailyn,
Mommy keeps writing the same things over and over again on how much I miss you dearly and how much I love you so very much...but the pain still aches to see your face and touch you and hold you once more...it hurts so bad...I cry just thinking about our reunion in four years maybe five depending on if you wait until your sister is old enough...which I understand if you do decide to wait for her to be able to also see me and let me hold her also...I hope you had a wonderful Birthday yesterday...sorry I didn't write that day but I thought of you throughout the day and day dreamed of you being surrounded by all your loving family and friends maybe even a sleep over with your best friend or two...I wish I could have been there for you...I can't imagine you being 14 (same things I say every year I know but I really can't imagine you being any older than 3 when I last saw you)...I wish I could see you now but I know that isn't possible...especially now that laws changed when we got a new government runner person...they screwed me just as the system that took you screwed me...I called Lori she told me I could send stuff to someone in town and they would send it to Topeka and put it in a file for you when you turn 18 and come searching for me...thats all I can do...I will send this blog info to that folder and if I have the time and money to print this entire blog off and send it I will but it maybe more difficult than I think...because I lack that motivation to do all that with the doubt that comes to mind when I think of you turning 18 and don't come looking for me which I know is a possibility but I can only hope and keep dreaming that you do seek me out like I told you could once you turned 18...we counted stuffed animals to 18 on Aug 29, 2002 on our last visit...you were very confused about what I meant and I am not sure how long it took you to realize you wouldn't be able to see me again until your 18...I hope you don't hate me...I hope you have the good day dreams I have where your happy, healthy and have everything your heart desires...

The boys Dylan and Jack your brothers are very excited to see you in 4 years...they are sad that they won't be able to before hand in pictures or whatever the adoptive parents would allow you to be involved in our lives...heart breaking really...they definitely don't make my life very easy sometimes because they want so badly to see you both they cry and make me cry too and we cry together...

I called Lori Chandler through SRS the lady who handled our case...she checked for loops for me to be able to get pictures of you girls but there were none...they changed everything...so I am stuck not knowing what you look like or who you have become or what you like or anything until you come find me and bless our lives with us being able to finally know you and be there for you...

Anyway, I hope your day was Blessed with everyone and everything your heart desires (sorry if I am the one you lacked today as being someone you wanted there for your birthday I would be there if I could baby) If I had the chance I would jump on the opportunity to come and be there for you I would in a heartbeat!

Love you so very much and miss you terribly bad....I can't wait I am about to count the days until your 18th birthday with paper rings (like you may have done in school) but 365x4 would be 1,540 rings and that is a bit long of a chain I will definitely will do one with one year to go and hope I can keep remembering to tear off each ring as days go by but I am sure with the eagerness of it all I will no doubt remember and wish I could tear more than one off to bring you closer to your 18th birthday so we can see each other again...I love you so much I will talk to you again later...

Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D

Youthville called :-(

This is my status update right now on Facebook...I copied and pasted it here so I could share without having to write all out to you...

Finally Youthville called me back...sorry Kenneth Ray Fairchild father of Katelyn they aren't able to help me get in contact with the adoptive parents...she referred me to dcf...they said no contact was established or maintained for ten years that maybe why they don't have my case file so they could help me...so I been barking up the wrong tree for how many months? Thinking they are off on a mission to find my case file...but nope...just avoided my phone call all this time! I need time to regroup after this heart wrenching disappointment...I thought she cared...I thought man they are digging deep for me and will call me any day...gosh I'm crying so bad...hate this horrible system...they screwed me out of my girls and they were the reason I got out of bed...without them I spent every waking hour at the bar then walked curb to curb at night...I'm surprised I was alive when my husband walked into my mothers house placing a bid on our house...I was heading out the door to go drink....my mom begged me to stay and meet this man bidding on the house...she stalled me long enough for me to meet him...and that was it...a perfect distraction to my pain I was facing....which safely I can honestly say hurts way way way way worse than losing a child to death...twice I went through that now remember?...worse than losing your rock foundation (your mother)...yes that was really hard...but I swear on my mothers grave having my girls taken was worse than those losses...even combined I don't think they would even begin to graze this pain I experienced when my girls...being told for fifteen months I was doing all I was supposed to be doing that I was definitely getting them back...then in court total back stab...I refused to do this or that, things taken way out of context held against me...they totally blind sided me but no one believes me because how could a system built to protect children steal children that would make their families at risk of having the same done to them...I the mother had to of done something to deserve this that I am not disclosing...nope I just trusted my Youthville team to help me get my girls back and they set me up...and I fell for all their back stabs...now I trust no one...wonder why...now this?! It took me ten years to wrack up enough balls to contact them for fear of rejection...ad here is my rejection day it came...I really don't know if I can handle much more of the pointing fingers...and rejection...this is the fear that prevented me from contacting anyone about this for ten years and I faced it and got exactly what I feared...rejection...I'm crying so hard! Its like I lost them all over again...

Update

Well girls...my health has gone weird...my whole right side is numb but its not a stroke...doctors dont know what is wrong with me...I'm pretty frustrated with that...still havent heard back from Youthville im really mad about that going to call again tomorrow and try to talk to a manager of the lady who is supposed to find you and see about getting pictures...right now I feel as if you both dont even exist...i never had you...but i know thats not true...i spent many nights being thrown up on by you both when you had the flu...and tried my best to raise you...but seemed I could never do anything right...still don't feel I can do anything right...your brothers are spoiled rotten brats...and Dylan can't control his actions and is always hurting Jack...and Jack always over reacts to Dylan's actions....glad winter break is over...
I hope you both had a wonderful blessed Christmas...we did pretty good this year...just as always hard on me...with Grandma Sally not here (in heaven) and your sister Josie and brother River too...now aunt Melissa you never met because she is my husbands sister also died...its just hard...

The hardest loss was losing you two girls hands down...I still get teary when I talk about how you were robbed from me who wanted to learn how to raise you and do it right...still want to learn for your brothers...but this depression from losing you girls has gotten the best of me and Dylan keeps mouthing back to me...and idk what to do about it...and my family wont let me take him to get psych help...because it my open a can of worms on me and I lose your brothers too...and that sends me into such a panic attack...it should of killed me when I lost you two...it did for quite a few months...still feel dead inside from it today...but I have to keep living so I can see you again someday...

Well I talked to Katelyns dad tonight he has stage one lung cancer which also is my fire to try and get pictures so he can see you before he dies...hopefully he will stick around and be able to meet you someday soon...5 more years for Katelyn after her birthday this year and 4 more years for Rowsheall...I really hope you come find us sooner than when you're 18 but idk even if you want to...and I hope you stick around for a long time...once you do come back...but a lot of adopted kids come find their biological parents visit a few times then that's it...I hope that's not the case with us...I want to get to know you both and you to get to know me and my husband and your brothers...

We are still trying to have a baby but with no luck so probably isn't going to happen :( but maybe if I get my life together and health managed...then maybe we can adopt a little girl...I doubt it though because of my losing you :-(

Anyway we ain't to that bridge yet...soon as I know what's going on with my health I will let you know...

I love you deeply and miss you more than anyone else on earth...I can't wait to see your faces!

I pray for you daily

Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother
Rabeka Jo D (F) dob 5/1980

PS we maybe moving in June and selling our house up north...don't know where we will move...but hopefully rent and not have to worry about repairs anymore...so sick of being home owners...would like to eventually sell our rentals as well...hope the housing market picks up soon...so we can sell for a reasonable price...anyways just a heads up...love you miss you