Dear Rowsheall Kailyn,
I still have difficulties picturing you older than 3 but today you turn 12...and that in so hard to believe but in 6 more years you will be able to come and find me but its OK if you wait till your sister is 18 too so you both can find me...I am waiting with my arms wide open ready to hold you and kiss you and never let you go again....Celine Dion wrote a song Called Miracle http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VGNQ9bu1mDk not sure if the link will work when you find this or when I show you this blog but this is how I feel about you, and Katelyn, and Dylan, and Jack, and Josephine, and now River....I just want to hold you now but I can't....and that hurts more than anything I have experienced I know where Josephine and River are...they are with our Father and with Jesus our Savior....you and Katelyn I don't know where you are...I just have to trust that God is watching over you and keeping you and your sister safe until you can come home to me....another song that hits home is Precious Child by Karen Tyler-Good even if its for a child who passed away...you are living in my heart for now...and I will be able to see you and hold you here on earth and your sister Katelyn too....I am so lost without you girls...I am trying to be a good mom to your two brothers I have been blessed with...its just so hard to keep going when the world around me keeps crumbling around me...but I have to keep going because someday you will come find me and I want to be here to see you and hold you once again....that day will be the day my life will be justified as being worth living....and everything will just fall back into place...I know your parents will still be in your life as they raised you since the state didn't see me able to raise you but I am able to raise your brothers...though sometimes I doubt myself and my abilities at times but I know God will help me get through the hard times and I rest in the promises that God has gave us...
I really pray God helps you in any resentment you may feel towards me as I did everything I could and it wasn't good enough for the state to put us back together forever but rather put us apart for a short while...I love you so very much and I can't say that enough....I am struggling without you both but I will survive....I have to....so I can see you again....I miss you so very much! I can't say that enough either...I really want to write your parents requesting pictures but I am so scared they will reject me....that would just break me if they  did...I can't take anymore heartache I hope I can get the guts to ask for permission to contact your parents and then write that letter opening our door of communication....I just am so scared to be rejected....I hope to be able to do that soon though....I will keep praying about it and praying for you all (mom, dad, you and your sister and your family)....I will talk to you later though.
I hope you had a wonderful Happy 12th Birthday Rowsheall and all your dreams came true today...you got everything you wanted....I love you and will talk to you again soon.
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo
your birth mother who won't ever forget you and your sister

Well girls, My life is just full of crisis and I am thankful you girls are not here to witness all that has gone on it will hurt you when you come find me or when you stumble on this blog but I really don't think you girls could have handled being here during my many losses as I am beside myself with this one...We had sonograms and echocardiograms done for this baby we were expecting and everything was so normal and so healthy there was nothing wrong at all with this baby...but they stopped moving and I went into the hospital and they couldn't find the heart beat and had to induce him still born...it was a surprise we didn't know what he was until he came out...he was beautiful...his name was River Lyric and he weighed 2lbs 9.7oz and was 15.5 inches long little bitty baby and so peaceful...we got lots of pictures to share with you when you come home to see us...
I love you girls so very much and I am so sorry that I couldn't fight harder and gotten you girls back....

In other news...I have been attacked by someone on yahoo messenger through this blog which I put on here so you girls could contact me if you wanted to or your parents could contact me even...and someone contacted me acting like they knew me back when I lost you girls and knew what was really going on...it was stupid what they had said to me because they are idiots if they think for a second I was lying on my blog....I am sharing my side of the story....if they don't like it or believe me thats on them...not me...I know what happened I was there experiencing it first hand...if they were with me 24/7 which that would of been my mother...then ya they can talk but since they only know obviously hearsay which is what others say about me and what was going on at the time etc...anyways I cannot believe that they would attack me like they did but knowing someone out there thinks I am lying to you girls in my blog kind of irritates me...just because they were anonymous tells me they really dont know me and if they did they would let their identity be known so we can have it out like adults and get on the same page as each other...I have not lied to you once on this blog and I hope that you do find me first before you find whoever is a liar out there grows up and stops the rumors and stops attacking me anonymously cause thats just childish and immature...

So that note is kind of for the attacker not you girls but I just had to make it known that there are some people out there who have it in their minds that I got what I deserved just so that way they feel better about themselves and justified that they have their kids...not me having you girls...etc...kind of a comfort thing really for them because if they believe my story in the way things went down...then that puts their family in jeopardy of being torn apart like ours and thats just not something people are willing to accept and I don't blame them its scary that they could take two children from a loving home based on lies...but they did...and it hurt...and I am surviving but missing you girls every waking hour of my life...and I won't ever stop thinking about you nor will I stop praying for your return home to me...and I look forward to your return and I hope and pray for strength to risk rejection by requesting pictures of you girls but its so hard to not think maybe the parents won't think I deserve pictures or anything...that I am this horrible drug addict the courts made me to look like...which was far from the truth....anyways I am sorry to break that news to you too...but now you have a little girl sister angel and a little boy brother angel  up in heaven watching over you with Grandma Sally...

I am going to Mental Health Association for counseling now and they have many programs that I am planning on getting involved in so I can maybe hopefully get back into enjoying life maybe? I don't even know if I can without you girls and without your brother and sister now who are in Heaven....but I really want to so I can maybe be a wonderful mother when you finally do come home...I am maturing I think in my mental emotional side...or I am just numb at the moment I am not sure which...since it just happened this weekend...

Anyway I love you girls so very much and miss you very much...I will be writing in on Rowsheall's Birthday as usual here in a few days...I will talk to you Rowsheall later I love you sweetheart...Katelyn I love you sweetheart too....I wonder what you girls look like being 10 and nearly 12 you must be so big! and smart!
Talk to you later sweeties...
Your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo