Triplet Butterfly Wings: Josephine Kay

Triplet Butterfly Wings: Josephine Kay: "Josephine Kay Drew Sept. 2-3, 2008 She had Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS) and Turner Syndrome http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WovdA..."

They did this for your baby sister that passed away isn't this sweet?

Rowsheall and Katelyn just keep thinking about you

Dearest girls,

I just can't stop thinking about you girls and how excited I my husband (your step dad) and your brothers are to finally get to see you again...hoping sooner than later...I want you both to know, every wish I've been able to wish be it shooting stars, first stars, or even birthday candles, oh and also when my necklace gets the latch down by the heart charm I make wishes too, and eye lashes found on cheek then make a wish the blow off my finger, all those wishes since we parted ways has always and will always be the same...that being "I wish to see my girls again holding them in my loving arms again finally".

I also pray to God every chance I get to watch over you, and guide you on the right paths in life and back to my arms that long to hold you again...I miss you girls so much it hurts...I see two girls in public and often wonder if they are you two...one older dark haired blue eyes, and the other sandy blond with brown eyes...I hope you both are never going to rebel against your parents God sent to keep you safe and healthy and hopefully not too spoiled...spoiled is bad...your brothers are so spoiled it is getting harder and harder to manage them, I've finally got Dylan your older of the two bother into counseling, he has characteristics of ADHD and ODD and maybe autism or Aspergers...hopefully soon we will know what we are against and can learn how to better help manage him and help him with his even OCD tendencies...

Anyways just couldn't shake this need to tell you girls about what I've wished all these long nearly 11 years we've been apart...hope God is working hard in your lives...and I hope you remember me...and hope it doesn't hurt as bad as it does for me...

My legs have terrible pain doctors can't figure out...but are leaning towards somatic...just because they are running all the wrong tests...I am not a doctor but I'm pretty sure it's in my lower spine that's causing it all but they won't redo a MRI on my back...the last one was taken when the symptoms started I thought the pain was bad then...wow now it's much worse and my muscles are shrinking in my calves...which they took a muscle biopsy and found nothing...next thing the rheumatologist suggested was lower back issues...but doctor only wants to put me on antidepressants...I can't take those...I've always had trouble one way or another with them...so I'm on gabapentin, norco, Valium, and naproxen...it takes the edge off mainly...and allows me to function during the day, and sleep at night...and that's sad to me...I rather not have to take pills to function, I rather find the problem and fix it. Doctors only want to treat the symptoms but antidepressants can't fix circumstances that's why they don't work for me...I seriously thought about doing electroshock therapy since it gives you amnesia and I would forget everything in my life and move forward...but I don't want to forget you girls even if your being gone was the worst loss I've faced thus far...your grandma Sally and your sister and brother who died were easier than losing you girls by far...and if I lose your brothers (which I'm in constant fear because all it takes is a stranger to make up some off the wall story about me and them and my husband and bam they are taken too)...that would put me down for the count if that ever happened to me again...I couldn't live through that ever again...it brings me to tears just thinking about it...I would shut down and do nothing with myself for the rest of my life...they are the only reason I'm still alive them and Johnny your step dad...if it weren't for him I'd probably have drank myself to death or who knows what would of came of me...I had lost everything when I lost you girls...I had nothing to live for anymore and prayed for some stranger to take me out into the country and kill me and put me out of my misery...losing you both like I said was the worst loss in my life and will remain that way until the day I die...

Anyways baby girls,

Mommy Beky loves you so much!

I guess you might spell it mommy Becky, 

I love you (arms stretched out to infinity) THIS much big squeezing hugs...xoxoxo see you soon I hope...

Sincerely,

Your loving birth mother,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

D.o.b. 5/1980

Ps. I don't know if I updated you on my quest for opening communication with your parents or not but I talked to Lori Chandler who was our srs worker who told me you were coming home that I had everything done but didn't have either...anyways she said laws changed and that's not an option anymore...so I can't request pictures of you and that really has sent me into a major depression, what I can do is write to you and have the workers put it in a folder you will have access to when you come to age...I may just lead you to this blog or figure out a way to print it in a book from oldest post to newest posts...I should have opened the communication back in 2003 when I had the chance...but like I've said before I just couldn't write a short letter I felt I had to justify why I deserved to have open communication and that was ten pages long front and back and I had too many editors around me who had conflicting opinions on what I wrote...so I never did and I'm very sorry for that...after I lost your sister and brother and grandma between...I knew I only had you girls and your brothers and that's all I will ever have...and I wanted pictures more than ever because it was hard for me to picture you older than 3 and 2 as you were when I last seen you...you are now 14 and nearly 13 and that's just beyond my imagination...I am sure you both are beautiful like me your mother, but still wonder what characteristics you both have etc. it's so hard on me not knowing anything about you and even if you are alive and healthy...and that eats at me every waking hour of every single day...I wish I could see your smiling faces, I wish I could hold you both in my loving arms tomorrow...but truth hurts and reality hurts and here I sit waiting four more years for Rowsheall and five more for Katelyn to become 18...then who knows if you even want to seek me out or not you may resent me you may hate me and think I gave up...but truth is I was lied to and tricked and you were stollen from my loving arms...I did all I knew to do...and as fast as I could and it wasn't good enough and I struggle today to do anything because I'm afraid things won't be good enough...I walked away slouched down low hyperventilating in grief...saying forgive them Father for they know not what they do...quoted our heavenly savior Jesus Christ...because they didn't know the pain stricken life they causes me to have...all the courts papers display me as an addict, as a mother who didn't want my kids, as a poor excuse for a human being...and that's how I've felt all these years..as a poor excuse for a human being...I really feel guilty when I have fun, laugh, enjoy things, because maybe your living a horrible life...I just don't know...and that right there isn't fair to me or my family...I'm trying so hard to move on because I can't change the past...but I still can't move forward I'm stuck...I pray so hard you have a better life than you could of had here with me...but still wonder if because I'm not there you're miserable like I am so I stay stuck miserable...I hope to be able to stop feeling guilty and just live my life and be happy for once 11 years is far too long and such a waist of a life...I have to move forward and get happy and be better emotionally and maybe somatic pain as doctor thinks it is will vanish and I can get off these meds I hate taking...but have to so I can function...I would stay in bed and sleep through the pain without them...and that wouldn't be living....so I'm going to let you go and move forward in my last four to five years and hope and pray things are wonderful on your end...and live my life finally...I will still write to you on birthdays holidays and when I feel I need to write you like this time...oh I hope you had a fun and safe Fourth of July and got to see beautiful fireworks and enjoy a cookout or something special with your loving family...it's just hard I guess imagining you having fun with strangers to me and I not being apart of it and that being ok I guess that's my struggle...it's ok if you are and I want that so bad for you but wonder if you feel same as I...guilty because we are apart...I just don't know and may never know because you may not feel the need to seek me out...we counted 18 stuffed animals so maybe you would understand Rowsheall how many years old you would need to be to be able to come find me...but when we said our final goodbyes you wanted to go with me, I said you can't because the judge said you had to go live with another family...then you said see you next week...like you always did when we left our visitations and I had to correct you and say no baby I'm sorry I won't see you until you're 18 because the judge said so...but I really don't think you grasped that concept still...I really am sorry I failed you two...I wish I could have had a second chance to do it all over again and make damn sure I had everything done especially the things I didn't know about....and did it faster than I did...but I couldn't have and I know that...because my money was little and the fees for classes etc were high...and I did everything I could do to pay the fees as fast as I could and yeah there really wasn't anything I could of done differently accept maybe not let Tiffany Christ-Griffin watch you girls for me and my mom when my mom got sick with the flu and we didn't want to get you two sick...I should of just moved us upstairs for awhile in the apartment and figured out how to manage you two together on my own and just winged it...that was my biggest mistake trusting her and Cindy Phalin-Kratz (I really don't know how to spell their names) and I shouldn't have went into the mental hospital that was another huge mistake...then I wouldn't have reconnected with Cindy who was the reason for my mental whorl wind that made me look like a meth and marijuana addict...anyways I'm sorry I needed help and couldn't figure out how to take care of you at age twenty...suddenly single...left abusive  relationship with Bruce Hetzel...mental then ended in physical because I slapped him...but him yelling crazy things in my face then shoving me back down into the chair he deserved to be slapped...I didn't deserve to be yelled at, I didn't deserve to be choke slammed against the wall, nor the second instance same scenario that ended with him slapping me back three times, grabbed me by my shirt and shook me violently enough to bruise my chest saying is this what I wanted then this is what I got and then slapped in the stomach to try and miscarry Katelyn knocking the wind out of me...no I didn't deserve any of that...nor did I deserve to be told I did something wrong every time I did something for the house or him or Rowsheall...and much more than that including rape...and other things...no I didn't deserve that...especially since I never done most of the things before and didn't know how...because I was 17 when I met him a 32 year old man...I was a child...I hope and pray you don't make my mistakes...dropping out of high school to prove I wasn't cheating on him and quitting my job for the same reasons...no I want better for you....I must go to bed but I had to tell you all this for some reason...I hope you understand my life was and still is hard but hope I can make these last four to five years better for me and my family I have now...and I hope you understand and are enjoying your life God chose for you to live...even if its without me...I love you dearly and can't wait to meet you soon...talk to you later