Update

August 15, 2016 UPDATE forgot to post: My back surgery went good so the revolving door hospital said...I never seen the surgeon after surgery and only in passing at my two week appointment I seen him as I walked by...so strange I thought I'd see him more than just the consult thought I'd see him before surgery but not even that...they sent me home I believe a day earlier than I should of been sent...imho...but I got through it with my stressed out husband...poor guy...I had surgery July 22nd and now incision hurts still a bit and my back twinge from time to time but I think I'm getting through this all with flying colors and we been playing Pokémon go a lot! The hatching of eggs helps motivate me to walk farther than I probably should but hey gotta get them hatched lol...I can't wait to be able to ride my bike again...I been using a wheeled walker with a seat on it so I can stop and take a break when I need to or when I wanna battle gyms lol...anyways

Btw...I been depressed because...my oldest son is quite the challenge at age 12 nearly 13...very verbally abusive towards me and his brother...nothing we do helps...idk why he is the way he is...idk blame myself...I been fearful all his life of losing him like I did you girls I guess...so I been pretty withdrawn...so I wouldn't get hurt when it happened because I know if I did lose him I would die...I would not eat I wouldn't take care of myself because I would not go through all that I did only to lose him like I did you girls...I thought I would be better once I seen the boys past 3 years old...but I lost your sister Josephine to Turner syndrome and hlhs....so depression still grasped hold of me then we moved and things got better and got pregnant again things were going in the right direction...then bam...stillborn brother River and back to depression then had Evangeline your sister and then moved back here...and no things again were going great...then Dylan started getting worse with the verbal abuse...and now I just can't get on top of my depression...without him knocking me back down with his remarks about me and they way I do things criticizing everything I do and say...yes I'm being bullied by my son who is 12...he physically hurt me before my back surgery...after back surgery he suggested to put me in a nursing home because life was awesome without me home while I was at the hospital...he says I chose to have the back surgery and it's not that big a deal as I make it out to be...just hateful...crying now just typing it out...silly really...I shouldn't be bothered...he is just a kid...but when Rowsheall said she hated me I cried...she was throwing a fit...I started to cry and instead of guiding me how to handle it...the supervisor just told me if I don't stop crying she would have to end the visit so I had to suck it up and just listen to devastating words coming out my babies mouth that hurt me so deep...I'm sensitive...I'm guess...maybe I shouldn't have kids...maybe they were right for taking you girls...I keep going round and round with this...and get worked up over it...deep down I know I didn't deserve you girls to be taken...that it was all set up...that I was not the poor excuse for a human being they made me feel I was the day they ruled us apart...but it ruined me...still to this day I can't discipline your siblings I'm too scared they will be taken from me...probably why they are the way they are, they know I won't do nothing about it and they know all the buttons to push to get me to shut down and they get their way...
Sorry went on tangent on your birthday....love you.

It also didn't help that I finally found someone who I had fibromyalgia and back issues like me and turned out she was a child molester so I couldn't be her friend because she is a known sex offender and if I had let her in my home and allowed my son to go to her house to play with her son that would be frowned on in court and I could lose my kids...she went psycho on me after I told her how I was scared of the courts taking my kids and how it would kill me if they were taken from me...she then tried putting a protection from stalking on me and my son...totally baffled me but I am never going to court without a lawyer...screw that...so I paid $300 for a lawyer and went to court she didn't show up it was dismissed and thought it was over...um...no...she filed a set aside dismissal came to court again she was supposed to provide papers that explained why she missed court she thought her word was gold I guess and claimed her son had an "episode" of emotional distress that was caused by me and my son...I cried...I'm totally devastated and can't do court I'm suffering from ptsd and having flash backs of fighting for you girls....so court is ruled to reschedule in 3 weeks so she comes with one paper but judge asks for the paper of the first court date she missed she couldn't get that so dismissed again...I was nice the first few times I signed for her paperwork when it was sent to the wrong address but she is harassing me by dragging me through court repeatedly and I didn't have to sign for anything if I chose not to so returned to sender address I'm not at said address...honestly idk if she sent another because I pretty much had surgery and wasn't ever home before that cuz I was out busy playing Pokémon go...when the mail came through...I need to ask the mail lady someday soon...see what she says...I filed a harassment suit on this nightmare of a idk if woman is the name I'd even use for her...because it is harassment taking me to court over and over when I don't stalk her...and my son has stopped seeking out her son...now her son how ever rides past our house a lot and tempts my son but he holds back...and my boys are not allowed past the alley towards her house....they have to go the long way to friends houses that are in that direction...anyways I'm depressed cuz it figures my luck I find someone who has lots in common and I'd be endangering my son's if I affiliated myself with her...I had every right to tell my son's she was an offender...it's public knowledge...her son claims my son said a bunch of bully things and she claims she pulled her son from school but in fact he was expelled for pulling the fire alarm...they are just liars and I'm glad they are out of our lives...good riddance....my son denies everything that was said about him saying things and doing things...how it was twisted and at first I didn't believe him because he had been lying lately...but when he was emotionally distraught because I wasn't believing my own son I had to believe him because why would he get that upset if what he was saying was lies...so dumb...very stressful and depressing...and traumatizing for me...I can't do anymore court especially the kind that works me up for nothing....and dismissed then set aside again and again...I ain't got time nor energy to waste on such undesired place and proceedings over petty shit like my son can't play with your son but you still allow your son to ride his bike and walk by my house but yet my kid can't do that by yours bullshit....sorry this upsets me to no end...now that surgery is done...I still don't want to...my anxiety just thinking about it makes me emotionally unable to function...my anxiety med is no longer helping and even makes me irritable...cops are at least on my side...and my son's I am not letting out of my sight if they go outside to play or go down to the local park to play...they got bullied and had a knife pulled on them even if it was pointed towards the turtle and my son claims he didn't feel he was threatened by the knife...felt it was directed at the turtle...which soon after my younger son just told my oldest to just give the turtle to the bully and they shot a basket with the turtle and made the poor thing bleed...anyways I called the cops pressed charges on the kid...for battery because whole struggling to keep the turtle from this bully, the bully tore his shirt...and grabbed my son by the arm trying to get the turtle...so done with this drug filled neighborhood with horrible kids left and right...can't get no breaks...it's constant drama...anyways thanks for listening sorry to vent it all on your blog but this is what is up with me...I want to stay here until you girls find me but idk if I can wait that long...there was a full clip unloaded (gun shots) a few houses down a few months ago...just a bad neighborhood this has turned into and I want out ASAP hopefully before anyone of us get hurt too terribly bad...or fatally...I figured it would be easy to find me if we still had this house but we are finding it difficult to make two house payments without a reliable renter...and credit advanced cash withdrawals to cover them and bills is not helping our finances and the credit bill is just going up and it's not working out...and bout to let one go back to the bank and take the hit or put one up for sale...something has to happen soon...or we won't make it till tax season again...my big stardom on YouTube isn't happening yet but I haven't been able to sit through game play on computer since surgery...hope to make it big soon...anyways I feel better now thanks for listening...love you both.
Possibly will take this down or not publish it...idk yet
Sincerely your loving birth mother,
Rabeka Jo  (F) D dob 05-1980

P.s. it is Sept 15, 2016 now and my pain management Doctor stopped being my doctor because I snapped back at the nurse who was implying I was not obeying Doctor orders when I was and just every time I called for a refill she would give me grief about it claiming it's not time for a refill yet that the quantity should have lasted me a whole month and just implying I was in the wrong before talking to the doctor...I snapped the last time...I can't be treated like that and made to cry...and feel I don't matter and my pain isn't important....so I have to go all the way to Hutchinson Kansas to go see a pain management Doctor unless I can find one here in town I can go to...the one in hutch can't see me until end of November so this is a hard place to be and I'm very depressed and in pain prior to yesterday...yesterday I went in to see my surgeon and she prescribed me some percocet 5 to hopefully get me through until end of November so I'm relieved for now...now to convince my family doctor to keep prescribing my gabapentin if not I found a 2010 script I guess I will be forced to take and hope it helps get me through until I go to the pain management Doctor...anyways...still struggling with depression...your brother is still a bully...still not sure if I will post this or not...but it's nice to vent

Dear Girls,

CPS has been called on me and I am stressed out...It is because of D your brother and his inability to mind me has frustrated me to no end and actually one episode left me hurt. I had back surgery on July 22, 2016 to fuse my L5S1 and he was being a bully to his brother like usual and I end up trying to record him and he wrestled my phone out of my hands to delete the video and I got hurt wrestling him down to the ground and I vented to the wrong person...they turned me in...CPS is supposed to be coming out to the house to talk to the boys and my husband...and then she is going to recommend services like counseling but that is about all...she claims nothing is wrong with my home...and I am having a hard time accepting what she says as truth because of what the workers involved with our case said one thing to my face then in court it was total opposite and I am so anxious and depressed and I can't even begin to imagine life without my kids like I have had to be without you girls...I miss you both so very much and I cannot wait until March when Rowsheall turns 18 and she can come find me!...I hope I am not a disappointment to you...and I hope we can create a bond that I missed out on building over the last several years...so sad without you girls...losing your brothers and sister will be the death of me...I pray they don't get taken and that the woman is actually telling the truth and won't back stab me like the workers in our families case....
What makes me mad is most people don't believe me about it. But I know why they don't believe...because that would put them and their families at risk of the same fate as our family....and I totally get that...and understand why people are skeptical about how our situation turned out...and what lead up to it all being finalized...cuz I had to of done something wrong to deserve such fate...

But I was just young dumb and believed people and trusted people...obviously I didn't learn...I vented to the wrong person and now here I am with a can of worms opened up on us and I can't handle it...

I seriously think postpartum hits me late...and that was what was going on when you girls ended up taken...and I reached out for help and it was my biggest mistake of my life...I never should have gotten help...I should of just kept trying...not admit defeat...that was my wrong I did was reach out for help...

Anyways, I love you girls with all my heart and I can't wait to hold you in my arms again....

Sincerely,
Your Loving Birth Mother,
Rabeka (F) D
dob 5-1980