Dearest daughters of mine

I have so much excitement I can't hardly stand it! March 29, 2017 and Aug 15, 2018 can't get here fast enough! I can't wait for you to meet your brothers and sister...and I pray I don't disappoint you...I feel worthless in this moment because of my L5S1 bulging and leaking fluid causing me unimaginable pain in my legs and back and butt...I called to set up the surgery to fix it I don't have a date yet...it may take them 4-6 weeks to get approval from my insurance before we can even get it scheduled then its going to be 4-6 weeks recovery time...so 2-4 months I should be healed enough to be able to ease myself back into activity and regain my life and start doing what I want to do...participate in life without pain medication...
I have ran into some stressful times and I don't understand it...and most my counseling I have done over the many years to fix my thoughts about how my children are extensions of my body and I have full control over them is slowly coming undone...I am having PTSD because the court papers remind me of the papers I received that defined what happened to lead to the worst day of my life...I have a paid lawyer this time...I am never going to court without one EVER again...but still feel anxiety and depression and shut down and cry for no reason out of the blue...and yeah PTSD full swing...
I would go into details about the situation but going to hold off on that until its over...because I don't think I can talk about it on a public blog until its done and over with...and even then I won't be able to say names and that is fine...I would rather not have their name on my blog...
Gosh I miss you girls so very much you must be so very big...I hope you all feel accepted and loved...
I fear I am failing with the boys...they are tweens (10 and 12 going to be 13 soon) and man such drama encircles them...I have way too much on my plate with just them and to add this other drama to my life 2nd go round with this court thing because first time was dismissed because the lady didn't even show up to court...she filed for a motion to modify the protection from stalking order and set aside the dismissal...wtfe that means...I am emotionally and physically distraught and can't stop crying and all I want to do is either sleep or cry....I was trying to have fun and play games and record myself  doing so and then yeah no can't do that now cuz I end up in tears...just out of no where for no reason....stupid...hate it...I can't make money I can't get audience...if I don't go live on twitch and play....and don't upload...but Dylan is very hateful towards me too and that makes me shut down also...I want to be big on youtube I want to make a living and enjoy my job....life just keeps knocking me down when I think I am at the top...and this whole court thing is just rekindling the horrible feelings I felt when I lost you girls...I miss you so very much and wish I could hold you and know all about your life you lived and see you grow through pictures...

Anyways I must go I keep crying and can't see the screen,
Sincerely,
your loving  birth mother,
Rabeka (F) D dob 5-1980
please contact me as soon as you can I can't stand to wait any longer than your 18th birthdays!

Dearest Girls,
I got the most precious most desired presents I could ever imagine today on my 36th birthday today! I am still in utter shock of the whole receiving and I keep looking through just in awe and disbelief its real....
I am so happy! I love you both so very much...I am going to have back surgery in the near future to have my L5S1 disc removed and fused together and after that is scheduled I will be down and out for 4-6 weeks after that...and hopefully after recovery I will experience NO pain and be able to live my life normally and even enjoy some activities I have always wanted to get into...I am horrified but at the same time I am excited because of the pain free possibility and pain pill dependency on normalcy will be a thing of the past is what I mostly am excited about...I don't like being on them...but I know I cannot function without them...the pain is far too great to manage on my own...God helped me through my last pregnancy miraculously but now I am worse than ever...and there is no other way to fix this other than pills or surgery...I don't want pills so I am agreeing to do the surgery...I love you both so very much and I hope to be fully recovered by the time you come and find me....I can't wait! I am so excited!
Sincerely,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
Dob: 5/1980
your loving birth mother longing to hold you in my arms again xoxo