Youthville called :-(

This is my status update right now on Facebook...I copied and pasted it here so I could share without having to write all out to you...

Finally Youthville called me back...sorry Kenneth Ray Fairchild father of Katelyn they aren't able to help me get in contact with the adoptive parents...she referred me to dcf...they said no contact was established or maintained for ten years that maybe why they don't have my case file so they could help me...so I been barking up the wrong tree for how many months? Thinking they are off on a mission to find my case file...but nope...just avoided my phone call all this time! I need time to regroup after this heart wrenching disappointment...I thought she cared...I thought man they are digging deep for me and will call me any day...gosh I'm crying so bad...hate this horrible system...they screwed me out of my girls and they were the reason I got out of bed...without them I spent every waking hour at the bar then walked curb to curb at night...I'm surprised I was alive when my husband walked into my mothers house placing a bid on our house...I was heading out the door to go drink....my mom begged me to stay and meet this man bidding on the house...she stalled me long enough for me to meet him...and that was it...a perfect distraction to my pain I was facing....which safely I can honestly say hurts way way way way worse than losing a child to death...twice I went through that now remember?...worse than losing your rock foundation (your mother)...yes that was really hard...but I swear on my mothers grave having my girls taken was worse than those losses...even combined I don't think they would even begin to graze this pain I experienced when my girls...being told for fifteen months I was doing all I was supposed to be doing that I was definitely getting them back...then in court total back stab...I refused to do this or that, things taken way out of context held against me...they totally blind sided me but no one believes me because how could a system built to protect children steal children that would make their families at risk of having the same done to them...I the mother had to of done something to deserve this that I am not disclosing...nope I just trusted my Youthville team to help me get my girls back and they set me up...and I fell for all their back stabs...now I trust no one...wonder why...now this?! It took me ten years to wrack up enough balls to contact them for fear of rejection...ad here is my rejection day it came...I really don't know if I can handle much more of the pointing fingers...and rejection...this is the fear that prevented me from contacting anyone about this for ten years and I faced it and got exactly what I feared...rejection...I'm crying so hard! Its like I lost them all over again...

Update

Well girls...my health has gone weird...my whole right side is numb but its not a stroke...doctors dont know what is wrong with me...I'm pretty frustrated with that...still havent heard back from Youthville im really mad about that going to call again tomorrow and try to talk to a manager of the lady who is supposed to find you and see about getting pictures...right now I feel as if you both dont even exist...i never had you...but i know thats not true...i spent many nights being thrown up on by you both when you had the flu...and tried my best to raise you...but seemed I could never do anything right...still don't feel I can do anything right...your brothers are spoiled rotten brats...and Dylan can't control his actions and is always hurting Jack...and Jack always over reacts to Dylan's actions....glad winter break is over...
I hope you both had a wonderful blessed Christmas...we did pretty good this year...just as always hard on me...with Grandma Sally not here (in heaven) and your sister Josie and brother River too...now aunt Melissa you never met because she is my husbands sister also died...its just hard...

The hardest loss was losing you two girls hands down...I still get teary when I talk about how you were robbed from me who wanted to learn how to raise you and do it right...still want to learn for your brothers...but this depression from losing you girls has gotten the best of me and Dylan keeps mouthing back to me...and idk what to do about it...and my family wont let me take him to get psych help...because it my open a can of worms on me and I lose your brothers too...and that sends me into such a panic attack...it should of killed me when I lost you two...it did for quite a few months...still feel dead inside from it today...but I have to keep living so I can see you again someday...

Well I talked to Katelyns dad tonight he has stage one lung cancer which also is my fire to try and get pictures so he can see you before he dies...hopefully he will stick around and be able to meet you someday soon...5 more years for Katelyn after her birthday this year and 4 more years for Rowsheall...I really hope you come find us sooner than when you're 18 but idk even if you want to...and I hope you stick around for a long time...once you do come back...but a lot of adopted kids come find their biological parents visit a few times then that's it...I hope that's not the case with us...I want to get to know you both and you to get to know me and my husband and your brothers...

We are still trying to have a baby but with no luck so probably isn't going to happen :( but maybe if I get my life together and health managed...then maybe we can adopt a little girl...I doubt it though because of my losing you :-(

Anyway we ain't to that bridge yet...soon as I know what's going on with my health I will let you know...

I love you deeply and miss you more than anyone else on earth...I can't wait to see your faces!

I pray for you daily

Sincerely,
Your loving birth mother
Rabeka Jo D (F) dob 5/1980

PS we maybe moving in June and selling our house up north...don't know where we will move...but hopefully rent and not have to worry about repairs anymore...so sick of being home owners...would like to eventually sell our rentals as well...hope the housing market picks up soon...so we can sell for a reasonable price...anyways just a heads up...love you miss you