Dear Rowsheall and Katelyn, Rochelle and Katie I guess is how your names are spelt by your adoptive parents...which irritates me but the only reason is because a lot of thought went into your names...I wanted you Rowsheall to be unique like your mom...but am realizing everyone is unique without having to have their name spelt certain ways...now your middle name Kailyn was after your aunt Jami Lyn and my uncle Gregory Lyn :-) which also is why Katelyn was named Katelyn...Marie comes from my childhood best friend Lisa Marie and no she isn't a Presley :-) but she means the world to me...we went through a falling out for over a year but we are talking again trying to start over. Anyway, I keep thinking about you girls a lot...not that I ever get you girls off my mind...I wouldn't want to stop thinking about you because I love you so much and you are apart of me and will always be in my heart...as your adoptive parents had conceived you both in their hearts before they finally got to add you to their loving family. All I can do is think positive about where you are...my horror stories in my mind I have learned to let go because it drives me crazy to think of the possible bad things you might be facing and it's not fair for me to torture myself... Anyway I love you so very much and I really cannot say that enough...nor do I know how else to express it to you...I really am struggling to live without you both...but I have to keep living without you and it's so unfair for it being this way...I really don't see where I was wrong because no one told me it was wrong nor did they allow me to correct the problem...they didn't guide me as I needed them to...if they had...I would still have you home with me...but that didn't happen...did it? No, a system built to protect children not preserve families...at what cost did they protect you? There are no digets that could express damages done to me and my family...I will be justified someday...may not be till I reach my next life...but I'm hoping when you two come home to me finally I will feel like I finally have my family completed... Your brother Dylan is 7 almost 8 and is very smart...and he keeps asking about you girls which is pushing me harder to request pictures to show him you are bigger than him now...that you are not still ages three and two...it's just hard...I'm So scared of being rejected...so...maybe when we can afford my counselor I will work on that with them even if I've been doing good helping myself with my hoarding tendencies that aren't as bad as on tv...it could have easily gotten that bad had I let it keep going...anyways I'm good at certain things...other things I struggle with and need professional input anyways... I plan to get things taken care of soon so we can see you both or all depending on if your family you have now wants to share themselves with us or not...anyway...I'm serious this time...even if it makes me so sick to my stomach just thinking about it...anyway I love you both equally and cannot wait to see your smiling faces again. Sincerely, Rabeka Jo (F) D Your biological mother who will never forget...who carried you in my loving womb for 9 months and in 15 months time was torn from my loving arms that were young, dumb, and in need of guidance...but got set up and robbed instead...Robbed of witnessing your childhood, robbed of Katelyns first steps, robbed of many firsts to follow, and robbed of knowing and shaping you into being who you will be someday...I'm not apart of that and that's what hurts the most...love you ttyl