(this was an email I sent to family and friends and thought I would include you so you know when grandma got on hospice and what went on) My mom went into hospice today around 4pm her tolerance to the pain is non-existent and cannot take it any longer. She will be there for a few days to a week depending on finding a medication that works to keep her comfortable during her last days here on earth. Their Job is to make her comfortable. They haven't given a time line to expect her to live without treatments to fight the skin cancer. But I am sure it won't be long, since she has given up cause she cannot take it any longer. I pray she does fight a little longer. But the doctors have given up hope to treat her anymore and they won't be progressing her any longer with scans to see how far the skin cancer has gone etc. They just handed her over to hospice and are through with treatments of the cancer. They believe the Chemo from this last time has caused nerve damage in her face and that is what is causing her facial pain. The numbness in the chin and now up just past her lip crease is now numb too is like Novocain when its totally numb but trying to start to come back so its painful part of that Novocain wearing off type feeling in her chin and up past her right crease in her lip....her lip is burning and hurting as well...she is numb so numb she finds herself drooling and when she attempted to eat tonight found her food trying to escape the hole in her mouth. The pain shoots back to her ear and behind her ear and up under her jaw on that right side as well as in the temporal area on up over her eyebrow...but its only existent on her right side which is just weird. That's where her skin cancer has been found. It has spread into her liver as well. They also found a speck of something in her Cerebellum area of her brain but too small to know what it is. So its also in her pelvic bone, her butt, her collar bone, her chest wall, still in her lymph node under her right arm pit, and in her neck. Since its in her liver, its just a matter of time for it to start to shut down and then move on to other big organs. So their job is to make the pain tolerable. She is on a high concentrate of morphine that is dispensed into fatty area of her left arm which the pump will administer 200mg throughout the time span of 3 hours I believe that's what she said and every 30 minutes my mom can press a button to receive a double dose of morphine. It will not allow her to press it until 30 minutes is up so its a safety feature that will keep her from Over Dosing herself. But it will record how many times she presses the button between the 30 min. intervals to tell doctors if they need to up doses or lower doses or add additional medications to manage her pain better. During her stay at the hospital they are monitoring her and see how these medications effect her, and if they need to adjust or do something different. So its a good thing. She is such a homebody though that not even an hour after being there she was ready to go back home. After she is released from the hospital, they will move in a hospital bed into her home for her to sleep on, so that will help...she will also have a nurse coming out once or twice a week and a nurse on call 24 hours a day 7 days a week...so all we have to do is call when something is wrong and they will rush right over and take care of her. They will also have someone come out twice a week to bathe her and change her bedding and everything. So it is a great program and I am thankful for this program being available to help us help her through her last days here on earth. She has given up since the doctors have given up on her. They do not wish to keep track of the progress of the cancer. She feels they won't even treat her if she gets an ear infection or a tooth infection or anything, they are just done treating her all together, but I don't think they are that "done" with her, just they won't be giving her chemo anymore, she said they won't be doing blood tests anymore to keep track of her platelets so she won't know if she is deteriorating or not and I think this bothers her. She likes to know how things are going, and how long she has to live etc. Where the cancer has spread and all that too...so we may try to talk to the doctors to see if they could humor her and do them despite their rules and regulations and keep track of this as a medical study or some other reason they could come up with so they could pull it off, so she can know what she wants to know. She gave me permission to allow them to do an autopsy on her to learn from her when she is gone, so they can maybe help future cancer patients like her. Which I think is noble of her to say yes to. She does not wish for her picture to be taken when she is in her casket, because she had a picture of her grandma in her casket and it just haunted her all these years the image and she doesn't want anyone to have that image in their minds like her...I want to respect this wish, and I will, but not sure if I will pass this information onto the other grievers around me or not. Though I probably will when it comes down to it since she really don't want that. So Anyway, the road is almost over now. And I don't know really how I am going to take all this, but with all I have been through so far, I don't know what else would bring me to my knees...sometimes wonder if I even am living anymore myself. I feel so mindless, and numb. But the tears do still flow, which I haven't been able to tear up for a while now so that's a good thing I think. Anyway, I will talk to you later. Sincerely, Rabeka Jo P.S. Other than this bump in the road our Christmas was the best ever, I know that's weird to say after losing a baby girl, but she really opened my eyes to what I do have and I am so thankful for all I do have. This was the first Christmas I actually enjoyed and looked forward to. I will write more later...I am in a lot of pain from my face so I am going to try to sift through my emails and head to bed.

Well here come another Christmas holiday without you here with me...I picture you two so excited that Santa is coming to visit and setting out cookies and milk for Santa and Carrots for the Reindeer's...waking in the wee hours of the morning before the sun comes up to shine...spending time with your forever family, and happy. I wish I could be there with you to share these holidays with you all along with your birthdays and every time in between. But I can't and that breaks my heart. For some reason I had a thought enter my mind about you Rowsheall...did you know that you dad called you Critter and would play with your feet and elbows through my belly by tickling my belly making you move. Did you know that we almost named you Mesha Katrina Lyn Hetzel? That was one on the list. And I used to tell you Cigarettes were CaCa you actually tried to eat my cigarette butts once, and you were curious and at one time I let you take a drag and you threw up, I was young and dumb and shouldn't have done that, I just wanted to show you that it was caca so you would leave them alone...I look back and know that was wrong of me to do that...you learn from mistakes, thats life. So anyway, you and I were walking into walmart and there was mexican people in a group smoking and you pointed at them and said CaCa momma CaCa and I explained not you the cigarettes..cause they were about to jump me and hurt me bad...cause CaCa in spanish means S$#T so yeah it was not a good situation but I laughed about it later...When you were a new born baby we were in the check out line and you decided to fill your britches with a loud long fart and this woman infront of us turned around and gave me a dirty look and I said it wasn't me it was the baby and pointed to you and she rolled her eyes as if saying yeah sure blame it on the baby yeah right...lol me and Aunt Lisa laughed so hard over that one.... Katelyn you used to get so excited when I came into the room you would do this full body shake that won't EVER leave my mind and memories...your face would nearly turn red cause you were so excited. I didn't get to spend but 8 months with you before you were taken from my loving arms...but I did love you very dearly, I just had a lot on my plate and its no excuse for my off the wall behavior that made people concerned about you both. I don't blame them for being concerned but taking you away from me was far from what I needed. I needed someone to guide me in how to handle you two...not rip you away from me. I really wish I could do it all over again with the knowledge I have today, I would have done so many things different...if it meant I could keep you two with me. But I can't turn back time and undo the things I did and said that was taken out of context. I don't know if you remember the eeyore watch I wore that played "I'm Singing In the Rain" or not but I got a battery put into it and am wearing it in memory of you two. You both loved to push the button and I would sing "I'm Singing in the rain just singing in the rain what a glorious feeling I'm happy again Im singing again Im dancing again Im singing in the rain" and at the end of our visits I would do tickle time with you and tickle you two for a good while...then I would sing "You are my sunshine my only sunshine you make me happy when skys are grey you'll never know dear how much I love you please don't take my sunshine away" But the Judge took my sunshine away from me, and I have came a long way in my grief and your sister Josephine Kay has taught me a lot about loss, and how life does go on and I should be happy no matter what happens in my life. It makes me stronger with each experience. I am so strong from all I have been through, and I hope and Pray everyday and thinking of you every waking hour...I wish I could hold you again, but know there is reasons I don't understand why we are apart...I pray you both are happy with your new family. I hope the case workers are right about you both as well as your foster mom Jan...that you look at my pictures and say "Mommy Beky" Which I don't like the name Beky but I sure let you guys call me that cause you are my baby girls. You two are the ONLY people I allow to call me Beky ;) I love you both so very much and think of you often and miss you more and more each day. I hope when you find this blog you realize how much I do love you and miss you and know that my broken record of posts that say this over and over are truely meant and I can't seem to say it enough. I will look forward in seeing you someday soon and being able to hold you in my loving arms again. Your brothers are getting better with their behaviors though Jack is starting to pick up on Dylan's previous behaviors, I Hope he will grow out of that soon. Your grandma Sally Frantz is still fighting her Skin cancer but its not looking very promising, her chin is numb on one side and the Doctor did a CT scan but didn't tell her anything yet about the findings, guess he don't want to ruin the holidays for her...I don't know...I hope its not bad...I really need to write to your parents and get pictures so she can see you two before she leaves this world...I love you all and I want you to know her...she took care of you while I was in the psych ward during my mental breakdown...and she did a great job...and Katelyn you loved her so much...it breaks my heart that you will lose her and not know it til you come to find me...cause she means so much to you both or she did at least when you were 8 months and 2 years old. Anyway, I will talk to you both later, I sure do think of you often, but don't write so its hard to believe that, I am really trying hard to write more often so I can show you how much I do think of you...I just am so busy with everything going on right now with your sister Josie's death. And trying to arrange for her ashes to be placed one on the mantel and one in a grave and a few ashes spread in the hole where her tree is planted... So I will talk to you both later, I love you so very much and miss you teribly I can't hardly wait to see you again. Merry Christmas Baby girls! Hope you get all that you want from Santa this year :) Sincerely, Rabeka Jo (F) D