Triplet Butterfly Wings: Josephine Kay

Triplet Butterfly Wings: Josephine Kay: "Josephine Kay Drew Sept. 2-3, 2008 She had Hypoplastic Left Heart Syndrome (HLHS) and Turner Syndrome http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WovdA..."

They did this for your baby sister that passed away isn't this sweet?

Rowsheall and Katelyn just keep thinking about you

Dearest girls,

I just can't stop thinking about you girls and how excited I my husband (your step dad) and your brothers are to finally get to see you again...hoping sooner than later...I want you both to know, every wish I've been able to wish be it shooting stars, first stars, or even birthday candles, oh and also when my necklace gets the latch down by the heart charm I make wishes too, and eye lashes found on cheek then make a wish the blow off my finger, all those wishes since we parted ways has always and will always be the same...that being "I wish to see my girls again holding them in my loving arms again finally".

I also pray to God every chance I get to watch over you, and guide you on the right paths in life and back to my arms that long to hold you again...I miss you girls so much it hurts...I see two girls in public and often wonder if they are you two...one older dark haired blue eyes, and the other sandy blond with brown eyes...I hope you both are never going to rebel against your parents God sent to keep you safe and healthy and hopefully not too spoiled...spoiled is bad...your brothers are so spoiled it is getting harder and harder to manage them, I've finally got Dylan your older of the two bother into counseling, he has characteristics of ADHD and ODD and maybe autism or Aspergers...hopefully soon we will know what we are against and can learn how to better help manage him and help him with his even OCD tendencies...

Anyways just couldn't shake this need to tell you girls about what I've wished all these long nearly 11 years we've been apart...hope God is working hard in your lives...and I hope you remember me...and hope it doesn't hurt as bad as it does for me...

My legs have terrible pain doctors can't figure out...but are leaning towards somatic...just because they are running all the wrong tests...I am not a doctor but I'm pretty sure it's in my lower spine that's causing it all but they won't redo a MRI on my back...the last one was taken when the symptoms started I thought the pain was bad then...wow now it's much worse and my muscles are shrinking in my calves...which they took a muscle biopsy and found nothing...next thing the rheumatologist suggested was lower back issues...but doctor only wants to put me on antidepressants...I can't take those...I've always had trouble one way or another with them...so I'm on gabapentin, norco, Valium, and naproxen...it takes the edge off mainly...and allows me to function during the day, and sleep at night...and that's sad to me...I rather not have to take pills to function, I rather find the problem and fix it. Doctors only want to treat the symptoms but antidepressants can't fix circumstances that's why they don't work for me...I seriously thought about doing electroshock therapy since it gives you amnesia and I would forget everything in my life and move forward...but I don't want to forget you girls even if your being gone was the worst loss I've faced thus far...your grandma Sally and your sister and brother who died were easier than losing you girls by far...and if I lose your brothers (which I'm in constant fear because all it takes is a stranger to make up some off the wall story about me and them and my husband and bam they are taken too)...that would put me down for the count if that ever happened to me again...I couldn't live through that ever again...it brings me to tears just thinking about it...I would shut down and do nothing with myself for the rest of my life...they are the only reason I'm still alive them and Johnny your step dad...if it weren't for him I'd probably have drank myself to death or who knows what would of came of me...I had lost everything when I lost you girls...I had nothing to live for anymore and prayed for some stranger to take me out into the country and kill me and put me out of my misery...losing you both like I said was the worst loss in my life and will remain that way until the day I die...

Anyways baby girls,

Mommy Beky loves you so much!

I guess you might spell it mommy Becky, 

I love you (arms stretched out to infinity) THIS much big squeezing hugs...xoxoxo see you soon I hope...

Sincerely,

Your loving birth mother,

Rabeka Jo (F) D

D.o.b. 5/1980

Ps. I don't know if I updated you on my quest for opening communication with your parents or not but I talked to Lori Chandler who was our srs worker who told me you were coming home that I had everything done but didn't have either...anyways she said laws changed and that's not an option anymore...so I can't request pictures of you and that really has sent me into a major depression, what I can do is write to you and have the workers put it in a folder you will have access to when you come to age...I may just lead you to this blog or figure out a way to print it in a book from oldest post to newest posts...I should have opened the communication back in 2003 when I had the chance...but like I've said before I just couldn't write a short letter I felt I had to justify why I deserved to have open communication and that was ten pages long front and back and I had too many editors around me who had conflicting opinions on what I wrote...so I never did and I'm very sorry for that...after I lost your sister and brother and grandma between...I knew I only had you girls and your brothers and that's all I will ever have...and I wanted pictures more than ever because it was hard for me to picture you older than 3 and 2 as you were when I last seen you...you are now 14 and nearly 13 and that's just beyond my imagination...I am sure you both are beautiful like me your mother, but still wonder what characteristics you both have etc. it's so hard on me not knowing anything about you and even if you are alive and healthy...and that eats at me every waking hour of every single day...I wish I could see your smiling faces, I wish I could hold you both in my loving arms tomorrow...but truth hurts and reality hurts and here I sit waiting four more years for Rowsheall and five more for Katelyn to become 18...then who knows if you even want to seek me out or not you may resent me you may hate me and think I gave up...but truth is I was lied to and tricked and you were stollen from my loving arms...I did all I knew to do...and as fast as I could and it wasn't good enough and I struggle today to do anything because I'm afraid things won't be good enough...I walked away slouched down low hyperventilating in grief...saying forgive them Father for they know not what they do...quoted our heavenly savior Jesus Christ...because they didn't know the pain stricken life they causes me to have...all the courts papers display me as an addict, as a mother who didn't want my kids, as a poor excuse for a human being...and that's how I've felt all these years..as a poor excuse for a human being...I really feel guilty when I have fun, laugh, enjoy things, because maybe your living a horrible life...I just don't know...and that right there isn't fair to me or my family...I'm trying so hard to move on because I can't change the past...but I still can't move forward I'm stuck...I pray so hard you have a better life than you could of had here with me...but still wonder if because I'm not there you're miserable like I am so I stay stuck miserable...I hope to be able to stop feeling guilty and just live my life and be happy for once 11 years is far too long and such a waist of a life...I have to move forward and get happy and be better emotionally and maybe somatic pain as doctor thinks it is will vanish and I can get off these meds I hate taking...but have to so I can function...I would stay in bed and sleep through the pain without them...and that wouldn't be living....so I'm going to let you go and move forward in my last four to five years and hope and pray things are wonderful on your end...and live my life finally...I will still write to you on birthdays holidays and when I feel I need to write you like this time...oh I hope you had a fun and safe Fourth of July and got to see beautiful fireworks and enjoy a cookout or something special with your loving family...it's just hard I guess imagining you having fun with strangers to me and I not being apart of it and that being ok I guess that's my struggle...it's ok if you are and I want that so bad for you but wonder if you feel same as I...guilty because we are apart...I just don't know and may never know because you may not feel the need to seek me out...we counted 18 stuffed animals so maybe you would understand Rowsheall how many years old you would need to be to be able to come find me...but when we said our final goodbyes you wanted to go with me, I said you can't because the judge said you had to go live with another family...then you said see you next week...like you always did when we left our visitations and I had to correct you and say no baby I'm sorry I won't see you until you're 18 because the judge said so...but I really don't think you grasped that concept still...I really am sorry I failed you two...I wish I could have had a second chance to do it all over again and make damn sure I had everything done especially the things I didn't know about....and did it faster than I did...but I couldn't have and I know that...because my money was little and the fees for classes etc were high...and I did everything I could do to pay the fees as fast as I could and yeah there really wasn't anything I could of done differently accept maybe not let Tiffany Christ-Griffin watch you girls for me and my mom when my mom got sick with the flu and we didn't want to get you two sick...I should of just moved us upstairs for awhile in the apartment and figured out how to manage you two together on my own and just winged it...that was my biggest mistake trusting her and Cindy Phalin-Kratz (I really don't know how to spell their names) and I shouldn't have went into the mental hospital that was another huge mistake...then I wouldn't have reconnected with Cindy who was the reason for my mental whorl wind that made me look like a meth and marijuana addict...anyways I'm sorry I needed help and couldn't figure out how to take care of you at age twenty...suddenly single...left abusive  relationship with Bruce Hetzel...mental then ended in physical because I slapped him...but him yelling crazy things in my face then shoving me back down into the chair he deserved to be slapped...I didn't deserve to be yelled at, I didn't deserve to be choke slammed against the wall, nor the second instance same scenario that ended with him slapping me back three times, grabbed me by my shirt and shook me violently enough to bruise my chest saying is this what I wanted then this is what I got and then slapped in the stomach to try and miscarry Katelyn knocking the wind out of me...no I didn't deserve any of that...nor did I deserve to be told I did something wrong every time I did something for the house or him or Rowsheall...and much more than that including rape...and other things...no I didn't deserve that...especially since I never done most of the things before and didn't know how...because I was 17 when I met him a 32 year old man...I was a child...I hope and pray you don't make my mistakes...dropping out of high school to prove I wasn't cheating on him and quitting my job for the same reasons...no I want better for you....I must go to bed but I had to tell you all this for some reason...I hope you understand my life was and still is hard but hope I can make these last four to five years better for me and my family I have now...and I hope you understand and are enjoying your life God chose for you to live...even if its without me...I love you dearly and can't wait to meet you soon...talk to you later

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  Hello I am AuntBee I stream whatever I want when I want and take advice from my viewer as to what to stream :) I need to be motivated to get a schedule and stick to it...so if I have support on here maybe I would be more motivated to create a schedule and stick to it. I stream makeup, drawing, coloring. arts and crafts, crocheting,  obviously games and Tarot/Runes reading streams. Patreon supporters will be offered a 10 card reading if they would like one and they can have free readings on my streams how ever many they would like and even a private reading on snap chat, or discord if they prefer. If in the U.S.A. I can maybe draw you a picture in stead of your choosing and send it to you if you want. I want to give back to you some way some how so let me know how I can serve you. :) scratch my back I scratch yours sort of thing. depending on the amount I maybe able to create a crochet project of your choosing I will let you know if I feel you are qualified for such a beautiful gift xoxo. Just let me know what gift you would wish to receive for your contribution. :) 

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Casting Crowns - Does Anybody Hear Her

still fuck you get your shit together and apologize sincerely when johnny is gone maybe i will consider forgiving you both

to yall

https://youtu.be/pojL_35QlSI listen to the lyrics and again fuck you

Happy Birthday Rowsheall

Welcome to Adulthood hope you have an awesome 21st birthday Bitch...oh and fuck you
Sincerely,
your loving biological mother
Rabeka J (F) D

the whole statement said to me about nothing changed

Everything has changed but you wouldn't know...back when you were taken I wasn't on anything accused of and still ain't on one of them...so that is different...I am married and stable...at least until you came in and triggered me Rachelle...but whateva...its still eating at me that you said nothing changed...you have no clue how much this statement is torturing me...you like having this control over me don't you? be careful...I am not complete without you girls and I am not going to give up on having a relationship with you whether you want it or not...maybe later you will come around...and maybe by then I will have processed all this garbage and got a grip on it by then...but for now you stay where you are unless you need me...cuz i am here if you need me...I love you more than life it's self and that won't ever change no matter how hurtful of things you say to me...just know that things cut me deeper than normal people as I am severely sensitive and can't take a whole lot of it...so be careful with me please...and thank you.
Sincerely,
Rabeka J (F) D
your loving biological mother
3/3/19 originally written and posted
3-9-19 still torturing me and I am suffering greatly with lack of sleep

Rachelle

Dearest Rachelle,
I am sorry that you got it in your head that I am a terrible person and I couldn't sway you from thinking that. I wish we could have a do-over and just start over and try it again. I miss you so terribly bad and I wish Katie would also at least give me somewhat of the time of day so I could state my case with her since you wouldn't hear me out and the adoptive mom wouldn't hear me out.
I am trying to obtain the file that you received so I can read the what I call now Bible of Beka because it is all truth and no one who was there (ME) has no say as to how it went down and all that because it makes it easier for you all to sleep better at night. Nothing has changed? fuck you everything has changed. I do still suffer from mental illness and create things in my mind as to what is going on and what was meant by a certain action or something said and I can construe it into things they aren't. Which is why I want a copy of this Bible of Beka so I can read through and see what I construed if I did construe at all. It is bullshit about the dogshit comment...I didn't have dogs inside my house they were outside dogs so tell me how exactly is there dog shit on my floors that I didn't clean up and allowed Katie to crawl around in? I didn't even let her crawl on the floor in my house not cuz it was dirty but because I had a fear of things plus I couldn't allow Katie to be within reach of you Rachelle cuz you were constantly hurting her and driving me bananas. So that is wrong so I wonder what else in that fucking file is wrong and it just hurts me so much that its the way it is in your mind and you don't have room for anything else.
You have no idea how hard it was and is for me. I lost everything when I lost you girls and the system knew it and still made sure I didn't get you back, but still told me I had done all I needed and I was getting you girls back. Then in court backstab me and tell the judge I was refusing to do things and was not compliant with a number of things I didn't know about conveniently for them.
I am going to get to the bottom of this all and I am going to make sense of it all. What exactly will it prove to you? Nothing, why would you believe me when I couldn't prove nothing back then how can I prove it now? Hopefully, there is a loophole and it will unravel the entire bullshit lie stories they fed your adoptive parents, so they could treat you like mental cases you weren't and make you go nuts and not give you the coping skills you needed to manage the chaos in your mind because they told you terrible things about me throughout your life claiming you were turning out to be just like fucking your mother the meth addict promiscuous bitch of a mother. FUCK THEM! I was NOT on meth I was NOT on marijuana I was struggling yes needed help and guidance and got my children stolen from me and placed into the arms of a pedophile according to you. Which absolutely crushed me and still crushes me.
I doubt you will read this because you don't care about me anymore and I get why.
I kicked you out because I couldn't handle the confrontations and the fighting and the triggers and yeah you set me off really bad and I spiraled out of control after you left. Still am recovering but I am getting a bit of a more handle on things and think I will be Okay then Dina texts me some garbage about what is going on with you and I doubt it is true, but I am treating it like it is true and I am praying so hard for you right now you have no idea.
I am sorry you lost your girlfriend but I do think it is for the best for you. However having a baby is NOT going to be the answer to your problems. Matter fact it could no doubt be the downfall of you. Postpartum depression is what I had with all 7 of you kids, and my counselor says it just stacked on each other so I have 7 layers of postpartum depression on me and is why I am the way I am because I never dealt with it so I am going to be dealing with it and other things. I just know I hurt so freaking bad and I want it to go away but I can't seem to be able to make it. I finally had you back and because you were going off the deep end I couldn't face the music anymore. You were so ungrateful for everything we did. Nothing was good enough. Probably never will be enough. But at least I am here for you when you need me.
The only thing I can figure is this baby sitter where you girls were picked up from. I never had been in her home so maybe she was the one with the dogs and all that...I had no idea it was like that I trusted Cindy Phelen-Kratz my case manager from the hospital and this program through the church that didn't exist called the guardian angel program watching kids 24-7 as needed to prevent children from being taken like you were 3 days fucking later.
I trust no one with my kids. Why I am nuts I guess...cuz I never allowed anyone else to take care of them. However I had trusted people to watch you girls and I still ended up nuts and in the hospital because I didn't know what the fuck was wrong just knew I was struggling mentally because I couldn't control you and your behavior and no one would guide me and that was all I needed.
I seriously needed super nanny. And looking back now it wasn't as bad as I thought. Compared to Dylan and Jack and their drama growing up and continuing on today....it was a cake walk. I am still standing too so its weird.
Anyways, I just wanted to get this out so I could sleep because I hope someday you will read this and will come back to me but by then I won't be in the house no doubt. I will be moved to God knows where and hopefully I will get my shit together and you will too and we can reunite and be happy together finally...
Sincerely,
your loving birth mother
Rabeka J (F) D
dob 5-1980