Dear Girls,
I am deeply hurt and sent for a whirl. You came in like a wrecking ball and wrecked what little mental health I was trying to grasp trying to get on the right meds before you came home which I thought I was ready when Rachelle turned 18, BUT turned out I wasn't ready for all that busy drama. I still ain't ready but I miss her.
I was wrong to try so hard to be liked and accepted but it is what it is...I just wanted to be liked and here I am hated...so fuck it...
When you decide to contact me again...I won't be here. You will have to look harder for me. I put everything online for you and you two alone. Now I have an obsessed scary guy lurking striving to "Rescue" me which at the time I did need rescuing because I didn't know what to do with myself after all this shit hit the fan about the drama and the triggers and the whirl of chaos that encircled us. I hope and pray you will straighten up and hopefully by that time I will have straightened up and gotten on the correct meds and end up functional and able to handle anything and everything life has to throw at me because I cannot handle any more loss and I cannot handle any more drama at least for now.
I am working on me been working on me for years. But my Biggest loss was you girls and now I lost you again and I don't know what to do with myself and want to just up and give up on my family and leave because maybe you both are right I don't deserve to be a mom and maybe I shouldn't have had kids like you say...I hope you don't kill yourself, Rachelle, nor Katie, I can't handle that...so don't please...it will pass whatever it is that you are going through right now will pass...you won't be like this forever...you just need to get on the correct medication and be able to live a functional life I know it is possible...just trial and error...I am still trialing and erroring but hey...I am trying...I am sorry I am such a huge disappointment. I wish I hadn't put so much online I just thought it would help you both know I was wronged but NO...just like all them strangers who questioned and denied my story as being true...so I am planning on getting the bible of beka and I am going to read it and know exactly what you all read about me who lived through it. The paper I am sure says something totally different than what I experienced because they told me tons of things they changed in court...they took things out of context to suit their need and their need was to adopt you two girls...and if I can prove that they were wrong I am going to pursue a case and prove to you girls that I didn't deserve to have you girls taken away...if that is what it takes to get you to see my side as truth I guess that is what I have to do because you won't believe me and my side until I have proof...but IDK why I think I can prove it today when I couldn't prove it back then because all I had was hearsay and they had facts and bullshit lies that were written in as facts...so I am just hoping and praying I can prove it and get this justified and I can finally be at peace with the whole scene that left me depressed and still depressed and even more depressed today because of the lies you believe....
Anyways, I am working on myself now more than ever...
Sincerely,
your birthmother,
who does love you and miss you even if you hurt me deeper than losing you, and losing you all over again.
Rabeka J (F) D
