Everything has changed but you wouldn't know...back when you were taken I wasn't on anything accused of and still ain't on one of them...so that is different...I am married and stable...at least until you came in and triggered me Rachelle...but whateva...its still eating at me that you said nothing changed...you have no clue how much this statement is torturing me...you like having this control over me don't you? be careful...I am not complete without you girls and I am not going to give up on having a relationship with you whether you want it or not...maybe later you will come around...and maybe by then I will have processed all this garbage and got a grip on it by then...but for now you stay where you are unless you need me...cuz i am here if you need me...I love you more than life it's self and that won't ever change no matter how hurtful of things you say to me...just know that things cut me deeper than normal people as I am severely sensitive and can't take a whole lot of it...so be careful with me please...and thank you.
Sincerely,
Rabeka J (F) D
your loving biological mother
3/3/19 originally written and posted
3-9-19 still torturing me and I am suffering greatly with lack of sleep
Sunday, March 03, 2019
Tuesday, February 19, 2019
Rachelle
Dearest Rachelle,
I am sorry that you got it in your head that I am a terrible person and I couldn't sway you from thinking that. I wish we could have a do-over and just start over and try it again. I miss you so terribly bad and I wish Katie would also at least give me somewhat of the time of day so I could state my case with her since you wouldn't hear me out and the adoptive mom wouldn't hear me out.
I am trying to obtain the file that you received so I can read the what I call now Bible of Beka because it is all truth and no one who was there (ME) has no say as to how it went down and all that because it makes it easier for you all to sleep better at night. Nothing has changed? fuck you everything has changed. I do still suffer from mental illness and create things in my mind as to what is going on and what was meant by a certain action or something said and I can construe it into things they aren't. Which is why I want a copy of this Bible of Beka so I can read through and see what I construed if I did construe at all. It is bullshit about the dogshit comment...I didn't have dogs inside my house they were outside dogs so tell me how exactly is there dog shit on my floors that I didn't clean up and allowed Katie to crawl around in? I didn't even let her crawl on the floor in my house not cuz it was dirty but because I had a fear of things plus I couldn't allow Katie to be within reach of you Rachelle cuz you were constantly hurting her and driving me bananas. So that is wrong so I wonder what else in that fucking file is wrong and it just hurts me so much that its the way it is in your mind and you don't have room for anything else.
You have no idea how hard it was and is for me. I lost everything when I lost you girls and the system knew it and still made sure I didn't get you back, but still told me I had done all I needed and I was getting you girls back. Then in court backstab me and tell the judge I was refusing to do things and was not compliant with a number of things I didn't know about conveniently for them.
I am going to get to the bottom of this all and I am going to make sense of it all. What exactly will it prove to you? Nothing, why would you believe me when I couldn't prove nothing back then how can I prove it now? Hopefully, there is a loophole and it will unravel the entire bullshit lie stories they fed your adoptive parents, so they could treat you like mental cases you weren't and make you go nuts and not give you the coping skills you needed to manage the chaos in your mind because they told you terrible things about me throughout your life claiming you were turning out to be just like fucking your mother the meth addict promiscuous bitch of a mother. FUCK THEM! I was NOT on meth I was NOT on marijuana I was struggling yes needed help and guidance and got my children stolen from me and placed into the arms of a pedophile according to you. Which absolutely crushed me and still crushes me.
I doubt you will read this because you don't care about me anymore and I get why.
I kicked you out because I couldn't handle the confrontations and the fighting and the triggers and yeah you set me off really bad and I spiraled out of control after you left. Still am recovering but I am getting a bit of a more handle on things and think I will be Okay then Dina texts me some garbage about what is going on with you and I doubt it is true, but I am treating it like it is true and I am praying so hard for you right now you have no idea.
I am sorry you lost your girlfriend but I do think it is for the best for you. However having a baby is NOT going to be the answer to your problems. Matter fact it could no doubt be the downfall of you. Postpartum depression is what I had with all 7 of you kids, and my counselor says it just stacked on each other so I have 7 layers of postpartum depression on me and is why I am the way I am because I never dealt with it so I am going to be dealing with it and other things. I just know I hurt so freaking bad and I want it to go away but I can't seem to be able to make it. I finally had you back and because you were going off the deep end I couldn't face the music anymore. You were so ungrateful for everything we did. Nothing was good enough. Probably never will be enough. But at least I am here for you when you need me.
The only thing I can figure is this baby sitter where you girls were picked up from. I never had been in her home so maybe she was the one with the dogs and all that...I had no idea it was like that I trusted Cindy Phelen-Kratz my case manager from the hospital and this program through the church that didn't exist called the guardian angel program watching kids 24-7 as needed to prevent children from being taken like you were 3 days fucking later.
I trust no one with my kids. Why I am nuts I guess...cuz I never allowed anyone else to take care of them. However I had trusted people to watch you girls and I still ended up nuts and in the hospital because I didn't know what the fuck was wrong just knew I was struggling mentally because I couldn't control you and your behavior and no one would guide me and that was all I needed.
I seriously needed super nanny. And looking back now it wasn't as bad as I thought. Compared to Dylan and Jack and their drama growing up and continuing on today....it was a cake walk. I am still standing too so its weird.
Anyways, I just wanted to get this out so I could sleep because I hope someday you will read this and will come back to me but by then I won't be in the house no doubt. I will be moved to God knows where and hopefully I will get my shit together and you will too and we can reunite and be happy together finally...
Sincerely,
your loving birth mother
Rabeka J (F) D
dob 5-1980
I am sorry that you got it in your head that I am a terrible person and I couldn't sway you from thinking that. I wish we could have a do-over and just start over and try it again. I miss you so terribly bad and I wish Katie would also at least give me somewhat of the time of day so I could state my case with her since you wouldn't hear me out and the adoptive mom wouldn't hear me out.
I am trying to obtain the file that you received so I can read the what I call now Bible of Beka because it is all truth and no one who was there (ME) has no say as to how it went down and all that because it makes it easier for you all to sleep better at night. Nothing has changed? fuck you everything has changed. I do still suffer from mental illness and create things in my mind as to what is going on and what was meant by a certain action or something said and I can construe it into things they aren't. Which is why I want a copy of this Bible of Beka so I can read through and see what I construed if I did construe at all. It is bullshit about the dogshit comment...I didn't have dogs inside my house they were outside dogs so tell me how exactly is there dog shit on my floors that I didn't clean up and allowed Katie to crawl around in? I didn't even let her crawl on the floor in my house not cuz it was dirty but because I had a fear of things plus I couldn't allow Katie to be within reach of you Rachelle cuz you were constantly hurting her and driving me bananas. So that is wrong so I wonder what else in that fucking file is wrong and it just hurts me so much that its the way it is in your mind and you don't have room for anything else.
You have no idea how hard it was and is for me. I lost everything when I lost you girls and the system knew it and still made sure I didn't get you back, but still told me I had done all I needed and I was getting you girls back. Then in court backstab me and tell the judge I was refusing to do things and was not compliant with a number of things I didn't know about conveniently for them.
I am going to get to the bottom of this all and I am going to make sense of it all. What exactly will it prove to you? Nothing, why would you believe me when I couldn't prove nothing back then how can I prove it now? Hopefully, there is a loophole and it will unravel the entire bullshit lie stories they fed your adoptive parents, so they could treat you like mental cases you weren't and make you go nuts and not give you the coping skills you needed to manage the chaos in your mind because they told you terrible things about me throughout your life claiming you were turning out to be just like fucking your mother the meth addict promiscuous bitch of a mother. FUCK THEM! I was NOT on meth I was NOT on marijuana I was struggling yes needed help and guidance and got my children stolen from me and placed into the arms of a pedophile according to you. Which absolutely crushed me and still crushes me.
I doubt you will read this because you don't care about me anymore and I get why.
I kicked you out because I couldn't handle the confrontations and the fighting and the triggers and yeah you set me off really bad and I spiraled out of control after you left. Still am recovering but I am getting a bit of a more handle on things and think I will be Okay then Dina texts me some garbage about what is going on with you and I doubt it is true, but I am treating it like it is true and I am praying so hard for you right now you have no idea.
I am sorry you lost your girlfriend but I do think it is for the best for you. However having a baby is NOT going to be the answer to your problems. Matter fact it could no doubt be the downfall of you. Postpartum depression is what I had with all 7 of you kids, and my counselor says it just stacked on each other so I have 7 layers of postpartum depression on me and is why I am the way I am because I never dealt with it so I am going to be dealing with it and other things. I just know I hurt so freaking bad and I want it to go away but I can't seem to be able to make it. I finally had you back and because you were going off the deep end I couldn't face the music anymore. You were so ungrateful for everything we did. Nothing was good enough. Probably never will be enough. But at least I am here for you when you need me.
The only thing I can figure is this baby sitter where you girls were picked up from. I never had been in her home so maybe she was the one with the dogs and all that...I had no idea it was like that I trusted Cindy Phelen-Kratz my case manager from the hospital and this program through the church that didn't exist called the guardian angel program watching kids 24-7 as needed to prevent children from being taken like you were 3 days fucking later.
I trust no one with my kids. Why I am nuts I guess...cuz I never allowed anyone else to take care of them. However I had trusted people to watch you girls and I still ended up nuts and in the hospital because I didn't know what the fuck was wrong just knew I was struggling mentally because I couldn't control you and your behavior and no one would guide me and that was all I needed.
I seriously needed super nanny. And looking back now it wasn't as bad as I thought. Compared to Dylan and Jack and their drama growing up and continuing on today....it was a cake walk. I am still standing too so its weird.
Anyways, I just wanted to get this out so I could sleep because I hope someday you will read this and will come back to me but by then I won't be in the house no doubt. I will be moved to God knows where and hopefully I will get my shit together and you will too and we can reunite and be happy together finally...
Sincerely,
your loving birth mother
Rabeka J (F) D
dob 5-1980
Saturday, February 09, 2019
Believing is hard
Dear Rachelle,
I heard something about going on's in your life right now....and I cannot believe them. I don't want to believe them really...you have outdone me if it is true and you can stop anytime...you got your testimony so just chalk it up and move it out and fix what you can...I didn't think you would leave State...that is if the information I heard was true...I am praying for you...I cannot and will not come to rescue you that far from home...figure it out girl you can do it...you have a smart head on your shoulders...top priority in my eyes is getting the car fixed so you don't have to rely on anyone for transportation and them having that over your head. NOW...if you are actually in the business that is said you are...you are pretty stuck cuz the people in charge your boss...will hunt you down and make you pay for running from them...you have no idea what door you opened in that world. So Good luck getting out hun...I can't get involved as I don't have any way to and I never wanna be in that scene ever again. Figure it out hun you can do it...ask your boss how you can get out of it...and get out now while the gettings good...but first make the money you need to get your car that I bought with your grandma's life insurance so she in a way helped pay for your car that you stuck your nose up to...thanks by the way for that...ouch...if I ran to help you...it wouldn't be good enough so sorry I just can't reach your expectations...so good luck figure it out...you are an adult and you can and will figure it out...I believe in you.
Sincerely,
Your loving birthmother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
DOB 5-1980
I heard something about going on's in your life right now....and I cannot believe them. I don't want to believe them really...you have outdone me if it is true and you can stop anytime...you got your testimony so just chalk it up and move it out and fix what you can...I didn't think you would leave State...that is if the information I heard was true...I am praying for you...I cannot and will not come to rescue you that far from home...figure it out girl you can do it...you have a smart head on your shoulders...top priority in my eyes is getting the car fixed so you don't have to rely on anyone for transportation and them having that over your head. NOW...if you are actually in the business that is said you are...you are pretty stuck cuz the people in charge your boss...will hunt you down and make you pay for running from them...you have no idea what door you opened in that world. So Good luck getting out hun...I can't get involved as I don't have any way to and I never wanna be in that scene ever again. Figure it out hun you can do it...ask your boss how you can get out of it...and get out now while the gettings good...but first make the money you need to get your car that I bought with your grandma's life insurance so she in a way helped pay for your car that you stuck your nose up to...thanks by the way for that...ouch...if I ran to help you...it wouldn't be good enough so sorry I just can't reach your expectations...so good luck figure it out...you are an adult and you can and will figure it out...I believe in you.
Sincerely,
Your loving birthmother,
Rabeka Jo (F) D
DOB 5-1980
Wednesday, January 30, 2019
I miss them but its gotta be this way for now
Dear Girls,
I am deeply hurt and sent for a whirl. You came in like a wrecking ball and wrecked what little mental health I was trying to grasp trying to get on the right meds before you came home which I thought I was ready when Rachelle turned 18, BUT turned out I wasn't ready for all that busy drama. I still ain't ready but I miss her.
I was wrong to try so hard to be liked and accepted but it is what it is...I just wanted to be liked and here I am hated...so fuck it...
When you decide to contact me again...I won't be here. You will have to look harder for me. I put everything online for you and you two alone. Now I have an obsessed scary guy lurking striving to "Rescue" me which at the time I did need rescuing because I didn't know what to do with myself after all this shit hit the fan about the drama and the triggers and the whirl of chaos that encircled us. I hope and pray you will straighten up and hopefully by that time I will have straightened up and gotten on the correct meds and end up functional and able to handle anything and everything life has to throw at me because I cannot handle any more loss and I cannot handle any more drama at least for now.
I am working on me been working on me for years. But my Biggest loss was you girls and now I lost you again and I don't know what to do with myself and want to just up and give up on my family and leave because maybe you both are right I don't deserve to be a mom and maybe I shouldn't have had kids like you say...I hope you don't kill yourself, Rachelle, nor Katie, I can't handle that...so don't please...it will pass whatever it is that you are going through right now will pass...you won't be like this forever...you just need to get on the correct medication and be able to live a functional life I know it is possible...just trial and error...I am still trialing and erroring but hey...I am trying...I am sorry I am such a huge disappointment. I wish I hadn't put so much online I just thought it would help you both know I was wronged but NO...just like all them strangers who questioned and denied my story as being true...so I am planning on getting the bible of beka and I am going to read it and know exactly what you all read about me who lived through it. The paper I am sure says something totally different than what I experienced because they told me tons of things they changed in court...they took things out of context to suit their need and their need was to adopt you two girls...and if I can prove that they were wrong I am going to pursue a case and prove to you girls that I didn't deserve to have you girls taken away...if that is what it takes to get you to see my side as truth I guess that is what I have to do because you won't believe me and my side until I have proof...but IDK why I think I can prove it today when I couldn't prove it back then because all I had was hearsay and they had facts and bullshit lies that were written in as facts...so I am just hoping and praying I can prove it and get this justified and I can finally be at peace with the whole scene that left me depressed and still depressed and even more depressed today because of the lies you believe....
Anyways, I am working on myself now more than ever...
Sincerely,
your birthmother,
who does love you and miss you even if you hurt me deeper than losing you, and losing you all over again.
Rabeka J (F) D
I am deeply hurt and sent for a whirl. You came in like a wrecking ball and wrecked what little mental health I was trying to grasp trying to get on the right meds before you came home which I thought I was ready when Rachelle turned 18, BUT turned out I wasn't ready for all that busy drama. I still ain't ready but I miss her.
I was wrong to try so hard to be liked and accepted but it is what it is...I just wanted to be liked and here I am hated...so fuck it...
When you decide to contact me again...I won't be here. You will have to look harder for me. I put everything online for you and you two alone. Now I have an obsessed scary guy lurking striving to "Rescue" me which at the time I did need rescuing because I didn't know what to do with myself after all this shit hit the fan about the drama and the triggers and the whirl of chaos that encircled us. I hope and pray you will straighten up and hopefully by that time I will have straightened up and gotten on the correct meds and end up functional and able to handle anything and everything life has to throw at me because I cannot handle any more loss and I cannot handle any more drama at least for now.
I am working on me been working on me for years. But my Biggest loss was you girls and now I lost you again and I don't know what to do with myself and want to just up and give up on my family and leave because maybe you both are right I don't deserve to be a mom and maybe I shouldn't have had kids like you say...I hope you don't kill yourself, Rachelle, nor Katie, I can't handle that...so don't please...it will pass whatever it is that you are going through right now will pass...you won't be like this forever...you just need to get on the correct medication and be able to live a functional life I know it is possible...just trial and error...I am still trialing and erroring but hey...I am trying...I am sorry I am such a huge disappointment. I wish I hadn't put so much online I just thought it would help you both know I was wronged but NO...just like all them strangers who questioned and denied my story as being true...so I am planning on getting the bible of beka and I am going to read it and know exactly what you all read about me who lived through it. The paper I am sure says something totally different than what I experienced because they told me tons of things they changed in court...they took things out of context to suit their need and their need was to adopt you two girls...and if I can prove that they were wrong I am going to pursue a case and prove to you girls that I didn't deserve to have you girls taken away...if that is what it takes to get you to see my side as truth I guess that is what I have to do because you won't believe me and my side until I have proof...but IDK why I think I can prove it today when I couldn't prove it back then because all I had was hearsay and they had facts and bullshit lies that were written in as facts...so I am just hoping and praying I can prove it and get this justified and I can finally be at peace with the whole scene that left me depressed and still depressed and even more depressed today because of the lies you believe....
Anyways, I am working on myself now more than ever...
Sincerely,
your birthmother,
who does love you and miss you even if you hurt me deeper than losing you, and losing you all over again.
Rabeka J (F) D
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